Jack Benny - Phil Becomes A Father

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Warning.

The following Zippercruder radio spot you are about to hear is going to be filled with F words.

When you're hiring, we at Zippercruder know you can feel frustrated.

For Lauren even.

Like your efforts are futile.

And you can spend a fortune trying to find fabulous people.

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Because we find the right people for your roles fast.

Which is our absolute favorite effort.

In fact, four out of five employers who post on Zippercruder get a quality candidate

within the first day.

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So, whether you need to hire four, forty, or four hundred people.

Get ready to meet first rate talent.

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The Jell-O program.

Coming to you from Penn, California, presented by Jell-O and Jell-O putting Tom and Jack Bennett.

A very living sense of Harrison, Tennessee, Rochester, and yours truly, Tom Wilson.

And the new owner of the program with the real American.

Jell-O friends is the word well known to the Zippercruder everywhere.

It's a trademark, the property of general food.

And the name of America's favorite, Jell-O's in dessert.

For years, J-E-L-L-O has stood for grand dessert flavor.

And today, those big red letters on the box mean more flavor than ever.

Because now, by means of a new Jell-O process, Jell-O's delightful goodness is made extra delicious.

Nothing, you know, is more attractive than a big glistening mold of rich, radiant Jell-O with its bright beauty and scintillating color.

And you've never enjoyed anything more than you'll enjoy the swell tangy flavor of Jell-O.

Flavor is lively and refreshing as the juicy ripe fruit itself.

And locked in for your added pleasure.

Prove to yourself that Jell-O's flavor really is locked in.

Open a package of Jell-O.

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Then dissolve the Jell-O and notice how Jell-O's captive flavor comes pouring out.

Gloriously rich, thrillingly good.

Get Jell-O tomorrow, friends, and enjoy its extra rich, locked-in flavor.

That's why I'm so real American, played by the orchestra.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, from Camp Callan, California,

we bring you a man who, in my opinion, is the greatest comedian in the world,

which is also his opinion, Jack Benny.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Jell-O again, this is Jack Benny talking and done.

That was a very nice introduction, but you didn't have to make such a ham out of me.

I'm, um, I'm a great comedian.

Let us go with that.

Say, well, Jack, you are a little hammy at times, but it's just my nature to be frank and outspoken.

I see.

Well, Don, one more introduction like that, and you're going to be outspoken on some other program.

So, uh, so watch it.

All for heaven's sake, Jack.

What's the matter with you?

Can't you take a rib?

Only if it's got meat on it.

To hear, to hear you talk, Don, we're the only two people alive who think I'm clever.

Well, I don't mean that you're not clever, Jack.

All I say is, in this great big country of ours, there must be some people who don't like you.

Hmm.

The man is obviously out of his head.

Listen, Don, now listen, I want to ask you something.

Would you say that these 1200 soldiers sitting here are a typical cross-section of the American people?

Well, yes, but what's that got to do with it?

Just this.

I'm going to prove to you that there is one guy in this audience that doesn't think I'm great.

All right, fellas.

Everybody here that likes me and hates the Japanese, lays your hands.

There you are, Don, they love me here.

Thanks, fellas. I appreciate your loyalness.

Now, wait a minute, Jack.

All that question proves is that these boys don't like to jack.

That's my analysis.

Oh, you and your big fat analysis.

Really, I never, I never saw such a stubborn guy.

Here we are.

It'll tap talent.

All right, boys.

Come on, start yelling.

Now, Mary.

Wow, listen to that.

Thank you, boys. I'm living, son.

Press you for, 6881.

Mary, what's the idea of shouting out your telephone number in front of all these fellows?

The shop ones will write it down.

I don't care.

And you can put that silly poem away, too.

I'll let you read it later.

You better.

Or I'll tell everybody what happened when you were swimming at La Jolla this morning.

I just, I just took my usual plunge in the surf.

That's all.

What happened to you, Mary?

Well, Jack was out swimming with all of a sudden.

A big wave hit him and he started yelling.

Help. Help.

Oh, quiet.

So, a lifeguard went out, grabbed him by the hair, and swam for sure.

The lifeguard saved him, huh?

Only his hair, another guy, had a glott for Benny.

Mary.

Mary, it's nothing to joke about.

I darn near got drowned.

But Jack, a fellow who can't swim too well shouldn't go so far out in the ocean.

Oh, I'm a good swimmer, Don.

This was one of those silly accidents that could happen to anybody.

What do you mean?

Well, I was paddling along and all of a sudden my left foot got caught in the right sleeve of my bathing suit.

The terrible experience.

Please, do you mean to say that it has sleeves?

And that's another thing.

Imagine being at a rickety beach like La Jolla.

Never mind.

I'm wearing a bathing suit that says, too far boy on it.

Oh, don't pay any attention to her, Don.

Now, Mary, you know, Don, well, at bathing suit, it's plenty modern.

Well, there's no cuts on the pants, if that's what you mean.

I mean, it's got a two-way stretch and everything.

Of course, the top piece is a little baggy, does that annoy you when you were in swimming?

Not so much when I was in the ocean, Don, but when I took it off in the locker room,

my poor buckets of grunions fell out.

A policeman told me I'd either have to get my suit fixed or a fishing license.

The beach there is wonderful though.

I imagine it is.

By the way, Jack, where are you stopping?

In La Jolla?

I'm at the La Jolla auto court.

It's a lovely place.

Jack, that's not La Jolla, it's La Jolla.

That's how you pronounce it in Spanish.

Oh, oh, I didn't recognize it in French.

I'm usually very good at Spanish.

As a matter of fact, I used to go with a Spanish girl, Estrelita Singh.

Well, now.

Is that the one that used to duck baseball at Ocean Park?

She told the baseball. Get it straight, will ya? That's all she did.

Hey, Mr. Benny, I tried, and I tried.

Oh, hello, Dennis.

Hello.

Well, thank you, boys, Dennis.

Thank you, boys.

Thank you, Mr. Benny.

I tried, and I tried.

How do you feel, Dennis?

It's full fine.

Good.

I thought I had dandruff yesterday, but it turned out to be rice from a wedding.

From a wedding?

Who got married?

My girl.

She's trying to make me jealous.

Well, don't fall for it.

Not me.

Thank you, Mr. Benny.

I tried, and I tried.

Yes.

But nobody wants to buy those onions, of course.

I didn't tell you to sell them.

I told you to clean them.

We're going to have a big fish fry tonight.

I couldn't sell any tickets to that, either.

I made a fish fry for our own gang.

Anyway, kids, the boys here all waiting to hear your sing, so how about it?

All right.

See, we're still here.

To my throat?

Oh, he'll show up.

I'd tell you, Jack.

Still's been in the clouds all week.

Well, why not?

He's a daddy.

Just think a seven pound baby girl.

You know, when I was born, I weighed seven and a half pounds.

It is?

I weighed eight.

I weighed almost nine pounds.

Well, I weighed 43.

He's not kiddin' fellow.

The story that brought Wilson had to make a forced landing.

Thank you, Dennis.

The memory of this moment of life

will haunt me for a while.

I sleepy lagoon, I try to move.

I'm too unannoyed.

I sleepy lagoon, I'm too far to choose.

In some out of my mind

The firefighters leave

Reflects in the trees

They sparkle and shame us

A sarsam and high

Fals out of the sky

And slowly grows them up

In the leaves from the trees

All dance in the breeze

And flood on the river

Where deep in a far

Nightingale fell

Of rather than pure

The memory of the eyes

This moment of life

Will haunt me forever

I try to move.

I sleepy lagoon, I'm too far to choose.

I'm too far to choose.

Very, very good.

I was sleepy lagoon sung by Dennis Day.

Say, Dennis, while you were singing

I noticed something flopping around in your coat pocket.

What is it?

A dronian.

A dronian.

Yeah, I picked a bet on out for a sample.

So put it with the others.

We're going to fry them.

And now ladies and gentlemen

You're not going to fry this one.

We're proud.

All right.

And now folks, I've got a very important announcement to make.

You'll have to save it, Jack.

Look who's here.

Well, the proud father.

How are you, daddy?

Are you Jackson?

Hello, fellas.

The floor's out.

The baby's here.

Oh, that's the truth, folks.

Mr. and Mrs. Harris are the proud parents of a bouncing baby girl.

Well, Phil, congratulations.

But you know it's customary for a proud father to pass out.

Oh, yes.

Come on, fellas.

Have a cigar.

Here you are, Jackson.

Well, a corona corona.

Say, they're expensive.

Have a cigar done.

Thanks, Phil.

You, Mary.

What?

No, thanks.

Thank you, poor boy.

No, Phil.

Don't nervous.

Here you are, Dennis.

Have a cigar.

Hmm.

Go ahead, kid.

Take one.

But I don't smoke, Mr. Benny.

Hmm.

Now, Dennis, say, you take that cigar.

Oh, let the kid alone, Jackson.

If you don't want a cigar, that's up to him.

You stay out of it.

Now, Dennis, you're going to take that corona corona or not.

Okay, but you'll have to smoke it for me.

All right.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mary, stop staring at me.

Oh.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, as I...

And now, ladies and gentlemen, as I started to announce, they, Jackson,

I was going to bring the baby down here to watch our program, but Alice wouldn't let me.

Well, naturally, the child is only five days old.

By goodness.

What are you talking about?

When I was five days old, I could lace my own shoes.

Well, the reason I know that's a lie, Phil, is because you didn't wear shoes until the day after I hired you.

I grabbed your whole band over the floor sign.

Remember?

Oh, yes.

It's four salesmen to hold my guitar player down.

That's right, but you can't blame Frankie.

He thought they were going to brand them.

And when they put the shoes on your piano player, he tried to know as right foot off at the ankle.

He thought he was caught in a trap.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thanks, Suppy.

What a bug.

And now, Phil, it's trying to announce that I was going to make.

It's a very important message about next season.

So, everybody pay attention.

You too, Dennis.

Okay. Oh, my brilliant.

Put that back in your pocket.

Now, get this, Phil.

As you all know, next Sunday will be our last performance for Jello.

And beginning October 4th, we will be on the air for a different product.

Great nut flake.

Hey.

What are you talking about?

Yes, sir.

It's for the same company.

General Fuji will be on at the same time every Sunday night over the same network.

And we'll have a lot of fun.

Hey, Jack.

And I just happen to think of something.

How are you going to identify yourself with this new product?

What do you mean?

Well, you always start off with Jello again.

What are you going to do with great nut flake?

Yeah.

That's right.

The great nut flake.

Yeah, I can't say it's great again.

Or flakes again.

Why aren't you saying nuts again?

No.

No, that wouldn't work.

What have done?

Don't ask me, Jack.

You know, I'm pretty upset about leaving Jello.

But, Don, folks will still be buying Jello.

And there'll be another Jello program.

We're just going on for another general food product.

Well, maybe you're right.

I guess I'm just a little bit too sentimental.

You certainly are.

Now, you still have this week and next to talk about Jello.

So, go ahead.

Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the next time you've been down to your neighborhood grocer,

why not ask him for a package of tempting and appetizing Jello?

It's not only economical and easy to make,

but with its new locked-in flavors, you will find...

That Jello is America's favorite Jello just dessert!

Don't leave me alone, don't leave me!

Don, control yourself.

Don't be such a softy.

Oh, leave him alone, Jack.

And the guy has the right to be LaGubrius.

What? LaGubrius? That means sad.

I know it does, and you've got it right.

Where'd you ever get a whole of a word like that?

My baby taught us something.

Oh, stop with that.

He's so proud of his child.

Hey, Dennis, you want to come out to the house

and see the baby just sort, brought me?

Well, if it's all the same for you, I'd like to see the store.

No use waiting.

I've got to have a talk with that kid.

Now, Don.

Now, Don, dry your eyes.

Don, dry your eyes.

Dry your eyes either from laughing or crying.

I don't know with.

And, Phil, let's have a band number

and brighten up the atmosphere out here.

Okay.

Hold it.

Come in.

Well, I'll be a...

Are you blind?

And these are blind.

Well, Andy, this is really a surprise.

Hello, Mary and Dennis.

Hey, congratulations, Phil.

What is it, a boy and a girl?

Seven-pound girl, Andy.

Well, girls are all right.

But don't get in a rut like Eddie Cantor.

Oh, that's a fit.

Say, Andy, you forgot to say hello to Don Wilson.

Oh, yeah. Hello, Don.

Hey, Andy.

You put on a little weight, haven't you?

Oh, golly, that's the second time that gag was good.

But you ought to get a load of this, careful.

If they look like a couple of barrage balloons and civilian clothes.

Hey, Andy.

Andy, what are you doing around here?

Well, I was fishing down in San Diego

and I thought I'd drop you and say hello.

Oh, face a name.

Have any luck?

No, it didn't catch a thing.

You should have had Jack's bathing suit on.

Never mind.

Say, Andy, how are you folks?

Are they still batten?

Yeah, they're at it worse than ever.

Park came home with a snoot full the other night.

Mon often cold with a welcome mask.

Oh, Michael, what your father ever learned of a haze?

Well, Buck, I figure if they ever ride in gasoline in California,

he'll straighten right out.

Well, Andy, you don't need to say your paw drinks gasoline.

He's got a, he swore off a liquor 10 years ago.

What?

He's working out at Lockheed as a blowtorch.

Well, that's the worst yet.

Stick around, Andy.

Phil's gonna play a band number.

They will go out and have something to eat.

Oh, I'd love to, but I gotta go now.

My girl's waiting for me out in the car.

Watch your girls outside a little with all these soldiers around.

You're lying to the loser.

Oh, no, I won't, Buck.

I gotta chain to the front bumper.

Good idea, so long, Andy.

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Warning, the following Zippercruder radio spot you are about to hear

is going to be filled with F words.

When you're hiring, we at Zippercruder know you can feel frustrated.

For Lauren, even, like your efforts are futile.

And you can spend a fortune trying to find fabulous people

only to get flooded with candidates who are just...

Fine.

F***.

Fortunately, Zippercruder figured out how to fix all that.

And right now, you can try Zippercruder for free at Zippercruder.com slash zip.

With Zippercruder, you can forget your frustrations,

because we find the right people for your roles fast,

which is our absolute favorite F word.

In fact, four out of five employers who post on Zippercruder

get a quality candidate within the first day.

Fantastic.

So, whether you need to hire four, forty, or four hundred people,

get ready to meet first rate talent.

Just go to zippercruder.com slash zip to try Zippercruder for free.

Don't forget that zippercruder.com slash zip.

Finally, that zippercruder.com slash zip.

Warning, the following Zippercruder radio spot you are about to hear

is going to be filled with F words.

When you're hiring, we at Zippercruder know you can feel frustrated.

For Lauren even.

Like your efforts are futile.

And you can spend a fortune trying to find fabulous people

only to get flooded with candidates who are just fine.

F**k.

Fortunately, Zippercruder figured out how to fix all that.

And right now, you can try Zippercruder for free at Zippercruder.com slash zip.

With Zippercruder, you can forget your frustrations,

because we find the right people for your roles fast,

which is our absolute favorite F word.

In fact, four out of five employers who post on Zippercruder

get a quality candidate within the first day.

Fantastic.

So, whether you need to hire four, 40 or 400 people,

get ready to meet first rate talent.

Just go to zippercruder.com slash zip to try Zippercruder for free.

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There was good to see Andy again.

God, I should have sold him a bucket of grunge and play fell.

Zippercruder.com slash zip.

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That was three little sisters.

Played by Daddy Harris and he's 18 musical diapers.

Musical meaning what the boys think they are,

and diapers meaning I'm going to change them.

Not bad, eh, Phil?

It's a fine way to talk after I went and named my baby after you.

What?

You named the kid after me?

Certainly, Alice J. Harris.

J. is for Jacqueline.

J. is for Jacqueline.

After me.

J. is for what?

You heard him.

Jacqueline.

Well, thanks, Phil. That's quite an honor.

And now, Phil.

Oh, Cap Cowan.

Oh, Cap Cowan.

You're the highest.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, Mary.

If you insist on reading a poem about Camp Cowan, do it right.

What's the title of it?

Can't you hear me cowan so high?

Well, I guess that's silly enough.

Go ahead.

Oh, Cap Cowan.

Oh, Cap Cowan.

Oh, Cap Cowan.

You're the highest by the sea.

Where Jack Benny goes is winning.

We've got to pick for you and me.

That's right.

That's funny for all.

I met a soldier here last year who had Chevron's on his slew.

He picked me and I must confess

if he's not a bugler, I miss my death.

Mary, do you have to kiss every soldier you meet?

Well, I'm not stuck up like you are.

What's that got to do with it?

Go ahead.

We were walking near the moon.

I said to him, come on, let's spoon.

But he wouldn't even drink.

You think I was an oval finch?

An oval finch, what's that?

A goofy looking bird.

It's the mascot of the coast artillery.

Oh, I see.

That's right.

Good, good.

Here's to the coast artillery.

You defend this by the sea.

If Jack's come near, you won't be nice.

Because out that gun ain't filled with rice.

You said it.

Mary, that's one of the finest foals you've ever written.

Thanks, Bob.

Go on, go on.

My daughter can write a better poem than that.

So your daughter's only five days old.

Well, I don't care.

She's very talented.

And when she grows up, she's going to be a musician.

Well, she'll be the first one in your family.

And I'm not kidding.

That's when I am a musician since any time.

That's since when?

At a boy, Jacqueline.

Then it's take your grun you now for a drink of water, will you?

And now ladies and gentlemen, as I said before,

next Sunday will be the last broadcast of the season.

So for this occasion, we have a ring, a special...

I'll say it.

Hello.

Hello, Mr. Bennet is Rochester.

Hello, Rochester.

Where are you?

I'm over here with the gentleman.

Hello.

Hello, Mr. Bennet.

Hello, Rochester.

Hello, Rochester.

Where are you?

I'm over here with the gentleman.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello, Mr. Bennet.

Hello, Rochester.

Hello, Rochester.

Where are you?

I'm over here with the gentleman on the course!

What?

Hello.

Rochester, I've found out that for now, it's La Hoya.

It's turned out to be a Spanish word.

Don't, don't where you should've known that!

You?

Yeah, I used to be a Toyota during the worst room with the McCambos.

Hello.

Never mind,isation.

What did you call me about?

I'm having a little trouble packing your bag, bo!

What do you mean, trouble?

Not all in fish, you know, I didn't have room for you blue suits.

Why'd you put those grunge into my brand new alligator bag?

But boss, alligator is real fish.

Only if they're alive, this alligator happens to be a suitcase.

Well, just the same every time I snap it, shut it, snuck back at me.

Now, Rock, just to take those fish out of that bag.

Okay.

Then get in the max.

Well, come right over here to Camp Callum.

Well, Mr. Benny, that's about a 12 mile ship, is it not?

Yes.

And it's up here?

Is it not?

Yes.

Now, when will you be here?

Boss has a mechanical and a military figure.

Well, start right now and you're going to be here before sundown, goodbye.

Goodbye.

Oh, say, boss.

Now what?

I took your bathing suit down to the ferb and misted like you told me, Sue.

You did?

This time, one of them little jacks, some of these fill out.

Oh, my goodness.

What did you do with the jacks?

They're in the suitcase with the grunions.

Nice going, Rochester, so long.

Oh, boss.

Well, that is, maybe I'll turn my bathing suit over to the government.

I think I will.

Play fell.

Think of spring and you think of strawberries.

Think of strawberries and quick as a wink, your thoughts turned to strawberries and jello,

one of the grandest of all dessert.

Just try jello's new recipe, fresh strawberry supreme and see if you don't agree.

It's gloriously good and so simple to make.

All you do is dissolve a package of jello imitation strawberry flavor in one side of hot water.

Chill until cold and syrupy.

Then place in a bowl of cracked ice and whip for the rotary egg beater until fluffy.

Next, fold in one half cup of heavy cream whip.

Then, arrange sweetened sliced strawberries and serve it glasses

and pile the whipped jello lightly on the berries.

Chill and serve and you'll have one of the most delightful, flavorful desserts you ever tasted.

Rich juicy red strawberries covered with a creamy topping of whipped strawberry jello.

Water strawberry jello tomorrow and try this marvelous treat.

And be sure when you buy to get genuine jello,

because jello gives you the extra goodness of locked-in flavors.

This is the last number of the 34th program in the current Jello series,

and we will be with you again next Sunday night at the same time.

Now I'd like to thank General Hardaway and Captain Westerfield

and all the boys here at Camp Callan for a swell time and a thrilling visit.

Don't forget to tune in next week, ladies and gentlemen,

for our last broadcast of the season.

I know I will. Good night folks.

I've got a program I've written my little bar on Ed Bullion

and a broadcast each week by special facilities

to our armed forces throughout the world.

The presentation of this program for Sam Salon has been for the entertainment

of the personnel faces here.

And does that constitute an endorsement of armed products

by the war department or its personnel?

Say, have you tried those new Jello pudding?

They're made by the makers of Jello.

And like Jello, they're swell.

Try Jello butterscotch pudding.

It's gloriously smooth, a rich mellow pudding

that's simply topped for golden butterscotch flavor.

And so creamy and good.

Jello pudding requires no additional sugar to make.

So tomorrow, when you ordered Jello,

ordered Jello pudding through in all three flavors,

chocolate, vanilla and butter scotch.

Jello puddings are just like grandmas, only more so.

The program came to you from Camp Callum.

This is the National Broadcasting Company.

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Warning, the following Zippercruder radio spot you are about to hear

is going to be filled with F words.

When you're hiring, we at Zippercruder know you can feel frustrated.

For Lauren even.

Like your efforts are futile.

And you can spend a fortune trying to find fabulous people.

Only to get flooded with candidates are just fine.

F**k.

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