From Burnt Dinner To Better Marriage: Why Small Acts Matter

0:00Hello, everybody. This is Steel Rose's podcast. This podcast was created for women by women to elevate women's voices. I hope everyone is having a fabulous week. In New Jersey, we finally are getting a glimpse of the sun. It has been so flippin brutal. You know, I'm not usually once a complain like really like realistic. I really don't and the weather really never bothered me before. Perhaps it's a but perhaps they're actually getting worse. In any case, it doesn't matter because again, like brutal. So the fact that we actually got a glimpse of the sun this week is phenomenal. And I feel I like quite literally feel my spirits lifting with the sunshine. It's the most exciting thing. And I start to think about planting the garden again this year. And you know, I actually have really been wanting to do much more flowers. So I'm really excited. I am thinking about embarking on a rose garden this year because I have a perfect spot in my yard where there's nothing going on in the fence, you know, just fencing or whatever. And I would love to get some

1:04rose bushes out there. Like I think it would be really beautiful. Anyway, neither here nor there, but that really is my excitement that I'm looking forward to once spring really is here. I want to talk a little bit today about this post that I saw on Pinterest. So I was watching it and there was one of those moments where I watched it and I felt like I felt it. I felt like I was in the little video clip in the post and I felt it like deep in my soul. So I immediately was like, I need to talk about this on the podcast. If I felt this, somebody else is probably feeling this too. So the clip is it shows a woman and it looks like it's like from one of their home like cameras, like it's set up. And it shows this mom helping her kid at the kitchen island with like homework or something like that. And she like steps away out of out of camera and the kid starts you can see like he's trying to get her attention. You there's no audio, but you can tell that he's like yelling for her because whatever pots were on the stove started to smoke like they started to to burn.

2:07And so she went running back over and turns it off throws the pot into the sink turns the water on to like, you know, get just stop the smoking. And then she totally breaks down and starts crying and kind of huddles herself into the corner. And then in the video, you also see this son you could tell he's shouting and he's calling his dad. And so the dad comes in the room and he kind of surveys the situation. And it's so small but so significant. He observes, he takes in the scene and he just goes over to the wife and gives her a big hug. And it's just like holding her. She's definitely still crying in the first few seconds of the hug. But then he like hugs her real tight and he kind of spins her and he starts to like lighten the mood a little bit. And he makes her laugh. And then the son gets involved and he hugs her and he spins her and they both make her laugh. And I'm like crying talking about it because it was one of those moments where as a mom, as a working mom, especially, there have been so many times where I'm trying to do

3:11everything. And then something like that will happen where I'm like, I totally ruined dinner or I totally botched a school project or I totally forgot something altogether. I'm standing there like in a panic because something so small quite easily could make you feel like a failure as an individual. I don't know any other type of person besides working moms that this is so significant because you're juggling so much. Women in general, I feel like are well too judgmental of ourselves. My cousin was just making fun of me this morning because I had relayed something that I thought was like a massive, you know, me problem. And she thought it was hilarious because she's like, you really didn't do anything wrong. And she's like, you're so judgmental about yourself. I'm so hard on yourself that you didn't even realize that nothing really happened and you're okay. But it's in those deep moments where you feel like you're failing having someone who sees it and helps you out of it is the biggest blessing I have ever encountered. Now,

4:14I will say this, my marriage has not always been ramos and sunshine. It has been difficult. There have been times where probably both of us are like, we're like, this is enough, but we're both very committed to not walking away for the sake of our kids. And so we have tough it out. Now, I'm not saying that we don't love each other. We absolutely love each other deeply, but it doesn't mean that there were times where it was so hard that I couldn't see out the other side. So flash forward to today, 10 years later of marriage, 16 years together, he's quite a bit about what makes me tick. And he's dialed in, definitely in the past year more, with what I need versus what he thinks I need, which I think is really significant. Because prior, it was always really what he thought I might need, which actually translates to what he wants. And only over the course of the past year or so, yeah, roughly a year and a half to years has

5:15that shifted. And it's been shifting more and more towards, he's recognizing what is making me tick, what really bothers me and what's a pet peeve. And he's helping to mitigate it, which to me shows the biggest signs of strength in our relationship. Now a huge, huge pet peeve of mine, this is massive is the laundry basket. And you all might be laughing because it's like the silliest thing to say this out loud, but the laundry basket is a huge pet peeve of mine. Because once it starts to fill, right? And we get to the point where like, all right, it's kind of filling a little bit over the rim guys, like it's, you know, mom, it's probably time to do some wash. And yes, yes, yes, ladies and ladies, I do still do the laundry, even as a professional, I was able to to, I was able to indulge myself last year a bit and I had cleaning people and I had and at the end towards the end, they were helping me fold the laundry and all that stuff. But I have pulled back quite a bit. I'm going to talk about that in another episode. So I am doing everything myself. And the kids help he helps everyone has their own roles, the laundry basket, filling up once

6:22it gets to a certain point where it's piling up the wall. And I'm sure there's people listening right now that are laughing at this. But when it gets to the point where it's piling up the wall, I immediately start to get mad. Like as soon as I walk upstairs and I see it, I get mad because we have an extra laundry basket. So the extra laundry basket lives in the guest room. Yes, we do have, we were very blessed to have a guest room, which eventually is going to become one of the twins rooms because they've already told me that they're too old to live in the same space. But that's neither here nor there. So in the guest room, there is an extra laundry basket. Whenever the laundry basket fills to keep my immunity at bay, I pull out the empty one and I flip it. So the other dirty one that's full is in the office until I can get to it. This is one of those little cheek codes that I have for myself because mess and clutter gives me a tremendous amount of anxiety. I'm not sure how that happened because I was not an organized person growing up, but it's here now

7:23and it lives here now and it's going to stay. So to me, every time I would see this piled up laundry basket, it was personal. It was like a personal attack where I said, and I would say at night, every time it happened, I would say, my God, no one else sees this, no one else sees that the laundry basket is full overflowing. There's a whole other one in the other room people like, let's go. And I get mad at my kids now, too, because I'm like, you're old enough to recognize this, like start using the other bin. If I hadn't flipped them yet, start using the other one, throw your stuff in there, like why pile it up? So the other day, again, some of you are going to be like, well, it should happen all the time naturally, but I'm just saying, like this is my experience as a wife, right? So the other day, I came downstairs for something. I can't remember if it was the afternoon in the morning. I really don't remember. And I came into the kitchen. Our laundry stuff is in the kitchen. The machines are in the kitchen. So I come into the kitchen and the laundry basket is sitting in front of the washing machine. And I kind of just stared at it for a second. And I called up to my husband, I was like, did you bring the laundry basket down here? And he was like, oh, yeah,

8:25I switched them. Can I tell you? And again, I know some of you are probably like, Jenny, he should be doing that anyway. He should always help. Yes, yes, yes. I know. I've heard it. I've had the lectures. This is not how my household works. Okay. And I'm going to say this out loud. We don't operate that way. It doesn't matter how high, how high I go in my career. When we got together, I very much wanted to commit to, I want to be here for my kids. I want to be a good mom, and I want to be a housewife, and I want to be a homemaker, and I want to do all things. That's right. I wanted it all. And I have it all. And we very systematically split the things up in the house. My husband takes care of the cars. He takes care of all the maintenance. He takes care of maintenance on the house. He is an electrician. He's very handy. He fixes all the lights. He swaps the lights out. He does all the yard work. Like, that's his role. That's his thing. I have my things. He has his. So for this, I was totally blown away. Because in the many, many years we've been together, he's never really touched the laundry. When we were in our apartment,

9:29and I had to go up and down a couple flights of stairs, he did. He helped me with that because that was a lot. And I had had surgery because of the kids. So he helped. But on a regular basis, this is not his area. And I never fault him for that. I never get pissed at him. I make him mad. The laundry was piling up, and nobody flipped the baskets. But again, this was one of those moments where I was so friggin happy about the smallest gesture. I am not one of those people that's looking for the big show. And this is the point here. I'm not looking for the big show. The big show is nice for what it is. And by big show, I mean, I don't need the grand gesture. I really don't. I don't need this big display of fireworks and flowers. I mean, it's cool. And if we were happen, if it happened to happen for me, like, that's nice. But the intimate everyday gestures to me is what is going to be there forever. And the fact that he recognized the laundry basket as a pain point. And he did something about it. Told me he's actually paying attention.

10:31He's actually here and listening, even if I don't think he is, he is. And I want to put that to all of you because I think in a lot of situations in today's day and age, women are looking for this over-the-top-ness, young women, even in your marriages. If you're looking at social media a lot, and you're seeing all these grand, ridiculous things, and you're seeing how all these women are living their lives and they make it look so polished and perfect, that's not real. That's not reality. What's reality is that video that I talked about, the little clip, where the woman breaks down and the husband sees it. And he steps it. That's that exact scenario has happened here, where I've burned the food and I'm crying and I'm trying to pivot and I'm trying to fix it. And you know, my husband will come in, he'll clear the kids out of the space, he'll give me space to breathe, he'll make sure, you know, and he just knows now I'm stepping in, I'm helping regulate the situation. And it is the most beautiful thing to witness, especially for my side, where I've talked about how it's hard for me to let all the way go and let someone

11:35in emotionally seeing these little moments where he is paying attention to these everyday things, that is like huge. It's huge. And I honor him for that and I do. I recognize him for it. I make sure I point it out and say like, this is a big deal for me. Thank you for doing that. That really made me happy. Like, you don't understand and I will make sure I let him know because if you don't say anything and then you start to act as if, well, you should just be doing that anyway. Well, guess what he's not going to do anymore. That's just how guys work. And I'm sorry to say it out loud because I'm sure some of you are like rolling your eyes like, oh, I have to pat him on the back for every single thing he does. No, I'm not saying that, but I am saying that when he does do something that strikes you as wow, like, thank you. Call it out. Make sure he knows you appreciate him. If you show the respect and appreciation to your partner and vice versa, that's where you need to be. And honestly, the vice versa part the other day, the car that my husband uses for work, I was running errands the other day. I noticed that it was the tank was like low. So before I

12:36went all the way home, I stopped at the car wash, had it washed, backing the car out, filled with the gas and brought it home. I didn't make a big deal out of it. I said, oh, I got the car wash. I cleaned it up and I was like, and I filled the tank and I told him like, I, this is what I did. Just so he was aware that it was done already. So you'd have to think about it for the morning. And he didn't really react to it. And I was like, all right, you know, it's fine. He didn't really react to it. I wasn't looking for like, again, anything big. But the next morning, after he left for work, he called me and he was like, you know, I didn't even think about it. But thank you. You actually, you saved me some, you saved me this morning. You saved me some time. Like I didn't have to think about it. I was already all done. I could just go to work. And I was like, oh, you know, you're welcome. Like it's those everyday gestures and it's those everyday moments where you're showing up and you're seeing when your, your husband or your wife, you're seeing the need you, that you're seeing that they need you to step in. You see that they're falling and you're there to catch them. It's the most beautiful thing. It really is. And it's in those moments where I am grateful for him. And he does drive me crazy some days. And I will not lie about that. But we have

13:36these beautiful moments that really make it worth it. And it keeps me from losing my mind. So I do hope, you know, that this resonated with some of you. And if you're, if you're listening to this and saying to yourself, well, my partner doesn't know any, notice any of these things or my partner isn't paying attention at all. Like this is BS. The time is not the time to attack. This is the time to be quiet and to listen to yourself and to be quiet and to listen to your partner. There's a lot of ways to go about communicating with somebody that you're intimately engaged with and shouting is not one of them. Being aggressive is not one of them. Mindfully communicating, is it? I hope you found this informative, if not entertaining, because of my ridiculousness. Thank you all for hanging out with me on this episode. If you have episode ideas, requests, if there are any topics that you want me to cover off on, please please feel free to message me. LinkedIn is really where you're going to get me. That's where I love the bows. So please feel free to message me whenever you want. I'm always open and all at yours. Thank you again for being with me today. And I will catch you on the next one. Take care.