Fiend's Delight-Ambrose Bierce

0:00Hey, it's Kelly Rowland. You may not know this, but I have Exema. So I get how it can steal your time. But why let Exema take over when you can talk to your doctor about Epglyce? Epglyce, lubricism app LBKZ, a 250-mg per 2-mg leador injection, is a prescription medicine used to treat adults and children 12 years of age and older, who weigh at least 88 pounds or 40 kilograms, with moderate to severe Exema. Also called a topic dermatitis that is not well controlled with prescription therapies used on the skin, or topicals, or who cannot use topical therapies. Epglyce can be used with or without topical corticosteroids. Don't use if you are allergic to Epglyce. Allergic reactions can occur that can be severe. Eye problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have newer, worsening eye problems, you should not receive a live vaccine when treated with Epglyce. Before starting Epglyce, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. Paid partnership with Lili Respect your time. Ask your doctor about Epglyce and visit Epglyce.com or call 1-800-LiliRx or 1-800-545-5979. Shop vans and Albertsons for fresh savings every time you shop.

1:03This week at vans and Albertsons get fresh, boneless, skinless chicken breast for 1.99 per pound limit 10 pounds. And locally grown, Grapery cotton candy grapes are 2.99 per pound with digital coupon. Plus 24 packs of Canada dry or 7-up 12-ounce cans are 4.99 limit 1 with digital coupon. Enjoy fresh and delicious savings for every meal. Hurry in, these deals won't last. Visit vans or Albertsons.com for more deals and ways to save. Hey, it's Kelly Rowland. You may not know this, but I have Exema. So I get how it can steal your time. But why let Exema take over when you can talk to your doctor about Epglyce? Epglyce, Lebrichizema, Bell BKZ, a 250-mg per 2-mg leador injection is a prescription medicine used to treat adults and children 12 years of age and older, who weigh at least 88 pounds or 40 kilograms with moderate to severe Exema. Also called a topic dermatitis that is not well controlled with prescription therapies used on the skin, or topicals, or who cannot use topical therapies. Epglyce can be used with a

2:04without topical corticosteroids. Don't use if you are allergic to Epglyce. Allergic reactions can occur that can be severe. I-problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have newer worst-ning eye problems, you should not receive a live vaccine when treated with Epglyce. Before starting Epglyce, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. Paid partnership with Lily. Respect your time. Ask your doctor about Epglyce and visit Epglyce.com or call 1-800-LilyRX or 1-800-545-5979. Chapter 1 of the Fiends Delight. This is a Lebrvox recording. All Lebrvox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit Lebrvox.org. Recording by April 6090, California, United States of America. The Friends Delight by Ambrvox Pierce. Chapter 1. Profice. The atrocities constituting this cold collation of diabolisms are taken mainly from various California journals. They are cast in

3:08the American language and liberally enriched with an intelligibility. If they shall prove incomprehensible on this side of the Atlantic, the reader can pass to the other side at a moderately extortionate charge. In the pursuit of my design, I think I have killed a good many people in one way or another. But the reader will please to observe that they were not people worth the trouble of leaving alive. Besides, I had the interests of my collaborator to consult. In writing, as in compiling, I have been ably, assisted by my scholarly friend, Mr. Satan. And to this worthy gentleman must be attributed most of the views here in Set 4th. While the plan of the work is partly my own, its spirit is wholly his. And this illustrates the ascendancy of the creative over the merely imitative mind. Paulum Kee Maroufere. I shall be content with the prophet, Dodgerl. End of chapter 1

4:18Chapter 2 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers This Libravox recording is in the public domain. Some fiction. One more unfortunate. It was midnight, a black wet midnight, in a great city by the sea. The church clocks were booming the hour, in tones half-smothered by the marching rain. When an officer of the watch saw a female figure glide past him like a ghost in the gloom, and make directly toward a wharf, the officer felt that some dreadful tragedy was about to be enacted, and started in pursuit. Through the sleeping city sped those two dark figures like shadows of thwart a tomb. Out along the deserted wharf to its farther end fled the mysterious fugitive. The guardian of the night vainly endeavouring to overtake, and calling to her to stay. Soon she stood upon the extreme end of the pier, in the scorching rain,

5:18which lashed her fragile figure and blinded her eyes with other tears than those of grief. The night wind tossed her trusses wildly in the air, and beneath her bare feet the writhing billows struggled blackly upward for their prey. At this fearful moment the painting officer stumbled and fell. He was badly bruised. He felt angry and misentropic. Instead of rising to his feet he sat doggedly up and began chafing his aborted shin. The desperate woman raised her wide arms heavenward for the final plunge, and the voice of the gale seemed like the dread roaring of the waters in her ears, as down, down she went, in imagination, to a black death among the spectral piles. She backed a few paces to secure an impetus. Cast a look upon the stony officer with a wild shriek sprang to the awful verge and came near losing her balance. Recovering herself with an effort

6:19she turned her face again to the officer who was clawing about for his missing club, having secured it he started to leave. In a cozy vine-in-boured cottage, lives and suffers a blighted female. Nothing being known of her past history. She is treated by her neighbors with marked respect. She never speaks of the past, but it has been remarked that whenever the stalwart form of a certain policeman passes her door, her clean, delicate face, assumes an expression which can only be described as frozen profanity. End of chapter 2 Chapter 3 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers This leap-of-box recording is in the public domain. Recording by April 6-090 Some fiction, the strong young man of Kallusa. Professor Kramer conducted a side show in the wake

7:22of a horse opera, and the same so jorneed at Kallusa. Inters unto the side show a powerful young man of the Kallusa sort, and would see his money's worth. Blanely and with conscious pride, the professor directs the young man's attention to his fine collection of living snakes. Lithly the black snake uncoils in his sight. The luminously the bloated boa convolves before him. All-horrent the cobra exalts his hooded head, and the spanning jaws fly open. Whivers and chitters the tail of the cheerful rattlesnake, silently slips out the forked tongue, and is silently absorbed. The fangeless adder wraps up the leg of the professor, leaves clammy coils about his neck, and pokes a flattened head curiously into his open mouth. The young man of Kallusa is interested, his feelings transcend expression, not a syllable brief sea. But with a deep drawn sigh he turns his broad back upon the

8:27astonishing display, and goes thoughtfully forth into his native wild. Half an hour later, might have been seen that brawny callazine emerging from an adjacent forest with a strong faggot. Then this Kallusa man, unto the appalled professor Thus, Thright no good place you're in Clousy, for fit now serpents, to be subtler than all the bees sow the field. There's enmity, a twin are seed, and their seed, any shell grows their head. And with a single nisopurpose and a wrapped attention to detail, that would have done credit to a lean porker garnering the stringed kernels behind a deaf old man, who plants his field with corn. He started in the pond that reptilian host, and exterminated it with a careful thuronus of extermination. End of chapter 3 Chapter 4 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers

9:30This Liebervox recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6090. Some fiction, the Glad New Year. A poor broken down drunkard returned to his dilapidated domicile early on New Year's mourn. The great bells of the churches were jarring the creamy moonlight which lay above the soggy undercrust of mud and snow. As he heard their joyous peels announcing the birth of a new year, his heart smote his old waistcoat like a remorseful sledgehammer. Why, salil' aquise tea? Should not those bells also proclaim the advent of a new resolution. I have not made one for several weeks, and it's about time. I'll swear off. He did it, and at that moment a new light seemed to be shed upon his pathway. His wife came out of the house with a tin lantern. He rushed frantically to meet her. She saw the new and holy purpose in his eye. She recognised it readily. She had seen it before.

10:33They embraced and wept. Then stretching the wreck of what had once been a manly form, to its full length, he raised his eyes to heaven, and one hand as near there as he could get it. And there in the pale moonlight was only his wondering wife and the angels and a coward to, for witnesses. He swore he would from that moment abstain from all intoxicating liquors, until death should they part. Then looking down and tenderly smiling into the eyes of his wife, he said, is it not well, dear one? With a face beaming all over with a new happiness, she replied. Indeed it is, John. Let's take a drink. And they took one. She with sugar and he plain. The spot is still pointed out to the traveller. End of section four. Chapter five of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers. This Lieberbox recording is in the public domain,

11:34recording by April 6-090, the late Dowling Senior. My friend Jacob Dowling Esquire had been spending the day very agreeably in his counting room with some companions, and at night retired to the domestic circle to rabble out some intricate accounts. Seated at his parlor table, he ordered his wife and children out of the room, and addressed himself to business. While clambering weirdly up a column of figures, he felt upon his cheek the touch of something that seemed to cling clamily to the skin, like the caress of a naked oyster. Thoughtfully setting down the result of his addition, so far as he had proceeded with it, he turned about and looked up. I beg your pardon, sir, said he, but you have not the advantage of my acquaintance. Why Jake replied the operation? No, I have thought it useless to describe. Don't you know me? It's Fall in America. Make it Count. At the Ram Drive-in to Fall Sales event,

12:38make it powerful with our strongest Ram 1500 ever. Make it move with a ram heavy duty with an available Cummins diesel, and make it go the distance with a 10-year or 100,000 mile-power train limited warranty. Hurray and now for great deals during the Ram Drive-in to Fall Sales event, excludes fully electric vehicles applied to 2026 model-year vehicles non-transferable, visit MoPAR.com for complete details on a copy of the powertrain limited warranty, come into the registered trademark of Cummins Inc. Ram and Hemi are registered trademarks of FCA-US LLC. Shop Vons and Albertsons for fresh savings every time you shop. This week at Vons and Albertsons, get fresh, boneless, skinless chicken breasts for $199 per pound limit 10 pounds, and locally grown grape-ery cotton candy grapes are $299 per pound with digital coupon. Plus 24 packs of Canada Dry or 7-Up 12-ounce cans are $499 limit one with digital coupon. Enjoy fresh and delicious savings for every meal. Hurray and these deals won't last. Visit vons or Albertsons.com for more deals and ways to save. It's Fall in America. Make it Count. At the Ram Drive-in to Fall Sales event,

13:39make it powerful with our strongest Ram 1500 ever. Make it move with the Ram Heavy Duty with an available Cummins diesel and make it go to the distance with a 10-year or 100,000-mile powertrain limited warranty. Hurray and now for great deals during the Ram Drive-in to Fall Sales event, excludes fully electric vehicles applied to 2026 model-year vehicles non-transferable visit MoPAR.com for complete details on a copy of the powertrain limited warranty, come into the registered trademark of Cummins Inc. Ram and Hemi are registered trademarks of FCA-US LLC. I confess that your countenance is familiar, return to my friend, but I cannot act this moment recall your name. I never forget a face, but names I cannot remember. Jake rumbled the specter with Cepalchard Dignit in a look of displeasure crawling across his palate features. You're fooled in. I give you my word, I'm quite serious. A blanched me with your name and favor me with a statement of your business with me at this hour. The disembodied party sink uninvited into a chair, spread out his knees and stared blankly at a Dutch clock with an

14:42air of weariness and profound discouragement, perceiving that his guest was making himself tolerably comfortable. My friend turned again to his figures and silenced rain to supreme. The fire in the great burned noiselessly with a mysterious blue light, as if it could do more if it wished. The Dutch clock looked wise and swung its pendulum with studied exactness, like one who is determined to do his precise duty and shown responsibility. The cat assumed an attitude of intelligent neutrality. Finally, the specter trained his pale eyes upon his host, pulled in a long breath and remarked. J. I'm your dead father. I come back to have a talk about the way things is going on. I want to know if you think it's right not to recognize your dead parent. It is the little rough on you dear, replied the sun without looking up, but the fact is that 7 and 3 are 10 and 2 are 12 and 6 are 18. It is so long since you haven't been about,

15:47and 3 off are 15, that I had kind of forgotten, and 2 and 2 4 was twice, and 7 and 6 you can't. You know how it is yourself, may it be permitted to again inquire the precise nature of your present business? Well, yes, if you won't talk to anything but shop, I suppose. I must come to the point. It said, you don't keep anything to drink about here. Do you, Jake? 14 from 23 or 9. I'll give you something when we're done. Please explain how we can serve one another. Jake, I've done everything for you, and you ain't done nothing for me since I died. I want to monument bigger and dayed frauderex with an effie tap in guilt letters by blocking Miller. I can't get into any kind of society till I have them. You have no idea how exclusive they are where I am. This beautiful sun laid down his pencil and affected a stifly vertical attitude. He

16:47was all attention. Anything else today? He asked, rather sneeringly. I grieved to state. No, I don't think of anything special. Drawed the ghost reflectively. I'd like to have an iron fence around it to keep the cows off, but I suppose that's included. Of course, and a gravel walk and a lot of abalone shells and fresh posies daily, a marble angel or two for company, and anything else that will add to your comfort. Have you any other extremely reasonable request to make of me? Yes, since you mention it, I want you to contest my will. Horse hauses having his and contested. My fine friend, you did not make any will. Then, oh no consequence, you forged me a good one and contest that. With pleasure, sir, but that will be extra. Now, dealt to me in one question, you spoke of the society where you resigned. Where do you reside? The Dutch clock pounded clamorously upon its present gong, a countless multitude of hours. The glowing colds fell like an avalanche through

17:53the grate, spilling all over the cat, who exalted her voice in a squawk like the death whale of a stuck pig, and datched a frighted through the window. A smell of scorching fur pervaded the place, and undercover of it, the aged stectra walked into the mirror, vanishing like a dream. End of Chapter 5 Chapter 6 of the Friends Delight by Ambrose Beers This leverbox recording is in the public domain, recorded by April 6-090. Love's labor lost. Whoop was a beef? Who was tired of being courted for his clean smooth skin? So he backed through a narrow gateway six or eight times, which made his hair stand the wrong way. He then went and rubbed his fat sides against a charred log. This made him look untidy. You never looked worse in your life

18:53than who I have did. Now, said he, I shall be loved for myself alone. I will change my name, and high me to pastures new, and all the affection that is then lavish upon me will be pure and disinterested. So he straight off into the woods and came out at Old Abner Davis's ranch. The two things Abner valued most were a windmill and a scratching post for hogs. They were equally beautiful, and the fame of their comeliness had gone widely abroad. To them, Huab naturally paid his attention. The windmill, who was called Lucille, Astonbury, Clifford, received him with expressions of the liveliest disgust. His protestations of affection were met by creakings of content, and as he turned sadly away, he was rewarded by a sound spank from one of her fans. Like a gentleman beef, he did not dain't avenge the insult by overturning Lucille Astonbury, and it was well for him that he did not. For Old Abner stood by with a

19:57pitchfork and a trinity of dogs. Disgusted with the selfish heartlessness of society, Huab shambled off and was pancing the scratching post without noticing her. Her name was Airevella Flicktonbury Howard, suddenly she kicked away a multitude of pigs who were at her feet, and called to the rolling beef of Uncanny exterior. Come here! Ohab paused, looked at her with his ox eyes, and gravely marching up commenced a vigorous scratching against her. Airevella said he, do you think you could love a shaggy-hided beef with black hair? Could you love him for himself alone? Airevella had observed that the black rubbed off, and the hair lay sleek when stroked the right way. Yes, I think so, could you? This was a poser. Huab had expected her to talk business, he did not reply. It was only her archway. She thought, naturally, that the best way to win anybody's love was to be a fool. She saw her mistake. She had associated with hogs all her life,

21:02and this fellow was a beef. Mistakes must be rectified very speedily in these matters. Sir, I have for you a peculiar feeling. I may say a tenderness. Hereafter you, and you only, shall scratch against Airevella, clipped and buried, powered. Huab was delighted. He stayed and scratched all day. He was loved for himself alone, and he did not care for anything but that. Then he went home, made an elaborate toilet, and returned to a stonisher. The last old abner had been about, and seeing how Huab had worn her smooth and useless had cut her down for firewood. Huab gave one glance and walked solemnly away into a clearing, and getting comfortably astride a blazing heap of logs made he barbecue of himself. After all, Lucille, Ashtonbury, Clifford, the light-headed windmill, seems to have got the best of all this. I have observed that the light-headed commonly get the best of everything in this world, which the wooden-headed and the

22:05beef-headed regard as an outrage, I am not prepared to say if it is or not. End of chapter 6 Chapter 7 of the Friends Delight by Ambrose Beers This Leberbox recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6-090. A comforter. William Bunker had paid a fine of $200 or beating his wife. After getting his receipt, he went mootily home and seated himself at the domestic curb. Observing his abstracted and melancholy demeanor, the good wife approached and tenderly inquired the cause. It's a delicate subject, dear, said he, with love-like in his eyes. Let's talk about something good to eat. Then, with true, wifely instinct, she shes soft to cheer him up, with pleasing pranel of a new bonnet, he had promised her. Odd darling, he sighed, have suddenly picking up the fire-cooper and turning it in his hands.

23:09Let us change the subject. Then his soul's item, chirp in inspiring ballad, kissed him on the top of his head and sweetly mentioned that the dressmaker had sent in her bill. Let us talk only of love, returnty, thoughtfully rolling up his dexter sleeve. And so she spoke of the vine-infolded cottage in which she fondly hoped they might soon sit together the conjugal sweets. William became rigidly erect. It looked not of the earth was in his face. His breast heaved and the fire-cooper quivered with emotion. William felt deeply. My gnome said the good woman, now visibly irrigating a massive snowy doe for the evening meal. Do you know that there was not a bite of meat in the house? It is a cold, unlovely truth. He said, heart-sickening fact. But it must be told by the conscientious novelist. William repaid all this affectionate solicitude, all this womanly devotion, all this trust, confidence, and abnegation, in a manner that needs not to be particularly specified.

24:14The Red Bull Dragonberry Emergizer, it's one of the many new drinks out now. Who knew ice cold drinks could be so fire? Try them all only at McDonald's. McDonald's is putting value back on the menu. Whether you're craving a big mac, McNuggets or sausage egg and cheese, McGrittle's, make it a meal and save. Your favorite is now your wallet's favorite too. Extra value meals are back. Try them all only at McDonald's. A short shark curve in the middle of that iron, fire poker is eloquent of a wrong redressed

25:20end of chapter 7. Chapter 8 of the Friends Delight by Ambrose Beers. This leverbox recording is in the public domain. Recording by April 6-090. Little Isaac. Mr. Gopwadl came home from a meeting of the temperance Legion extremely drunk. He went to the bed, piled himself loosely atop of it, and forgot his identity. About the middle of the night, his wife, who was sitting up, darning stockings, for a voice from the profoundest depths of the bolster, said, Jane. Jane gave a vicious stab with the needle, impaling one of her fingers, and continued her work. There was a long silence, faintly punctuated by the bark of a distant dove. Again, that voice, say, Jane! The lady laid aside her work and weirdly replied, Isaac, do go to sleep. They are off.

26:21Another and longer pause during which the ticking of the clock became painful in the intensity of the silence, it seemed to be measuring. Jane, what's off? Why your boots, to be sure? Reclied the pet-slant woman, losing patience. I pulled them off when you first lay down. Again, the prostrate gentleman was still. Then when the candle of the waking housewife had burned low down to the socket, and the wasted flame on the hearth was expiring bluely and convulsive leaps, the head of the family resumed. Jane, who said anything about boots? There was no reply. Apparently none was expected for the man immediately rose, lengthened himself, out like a telescope, and continued. Jane, I must have smothered that brat, and I'm fernel sorry. What brat? Ask the wife becoming interested. My hours hardly lies it. I saw you put him in bed last week, and I can lay him right onto him. What under the sun do you mean? Ask the

27:21good wife? We haven't any brat, and never had, and his name should not be Isaac, if we had, I believe you are crazy. The man balanced his bulk rather unsteady, looking hard into the eyes of his companion, and triumphantly emitted the following conundrum. Jane, look at here. If we haven't any brat, what in thunders the use of being married? Pending the solution of the momentous problem, its author went out and searched the night for a whiskey scheme. End of chapter 8 Chapter 9 of the Fiend's Delight by Ambrose Beers This Liebervox recording is in public domain, recording by April 6-090. Some fiction, the heels of her. Passing down commercial street one fine day, I observed a lady standing alone in the middle of the sidewalk, with no obvious business there, but with apparently no

28:22intention of going on. Do's outwardly very calm, and seemed at first glance to be lost in some serene philosophical meditation. A closer examination, however, revealed the peculiar restlessness of attitude, and a barely noticeable uneasiness of expression. The conviction came upon me, that the lady was in distress, and as delicately as possible, I inquired of her if such were not the case, intimating at the same time that I should esteem it a great favor to be permitted to do something, the lady smiled blandly, and replied, that she was merely reading for a gentleman. It was tolerably evident that I was not required, and with a stammered apology, I hastened away. Past clear around the block, came up behind her, and took up a position on a dry good's box, a lacked an hour to dinner time, and I had a leisure. The lady maintained her attitude, but with momentarily increasing impatience, which found expression, in singular way of like

29:24undulations of her lift figure, and an occasional unmistakable contortion. Several gentlemen approached, but were successively and politely dismissed. Suddenly, she experienced a quick convulsion, strode sharply forward one step, stopped short, had another convulsion, and walked rapidly away. Approaching the spot, I found a small iron grating in the sidewalk, and between the bars two little boutilles, driven from their kindred souls, and unsightly with snaggy nails. Heaven only knows why that entrapped female had declined the proper assistance of her species, while she had elected to ruin her boots in preference to having them removed from her feet. Upon that day, when the grave shall give up its dead, and the secrets of all hearts shall be revealed, I shall know all about it, but I want to know now. End of section 9. Chapter 10 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers

30:26This Leabberbox recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6090. A tale of two feet. My friend Zacharias was accustomed to sleep with a heated stone at his feet. For the feet of Mr. Zacharias were as the feet of the dead. One night he retired as usual, and it changed that he awoke some hours afterwards, with a well-defined smell of burning leather, making it pleasant for his nostrils. Mrs. Zacharias said he, nudging his snoring spouse. I wish you would get up and look about. I think one of the children must have fallen into the fire. The lady, who from habit had her own feet, stowed comfortably away against the warm stomach of her lord and master, declined to make the investigation demanded, and resumed the nocturnal melody. Mr. Zacharias was angered. For the first time since she had sworn to love, honor, and obey, this female was an open rebellion.

31:28He decided upon prompt and vigorous action. He quietly moved over to the back side of the bed, embraced his shoulders against the wall. Drung up his sinewie, knees to a level with his breast, he placed the soles of his feet broadly against the back of the insurgent. With the design of propelling her against the opposite wall, there was a strangled snork, then a shriek of female agony, and the neighbors came in. Mutual explanations followed, and Mr. Zacharias walked the streets of grass valley next day, as if he were treading upon eights worth a dollar eight dozen. End of chapter 10 Chapter 11 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers This Liebervox recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6090, the Scholever Pig. One of Thomas Jefferson's maxims is as follows.

32:30When angry, count ten before you speak, if very angry, count a hundred. I once knew a man to square his conduct by this rule, with a most gratifying result. Jacob Scholever, a man prone to bad temper, one day started across the fields to visit his father, whom he generously permitted to till a small corner of the old homestead. He found the old gentleman behind the barn, bending over a barrel. That was canted over at an angle of seventy degrees, and from which issued a cloud of steam. Scholever's pair was evidently scalding one, end of a dead pig, in operation essential to the loosening of the hair that the corpse may be plucked and shaven. Good morning, father, said Mr. Scholever, approaching and displaying a long cheerful smile. Got a nice rooster there? The older gentleman said, turned slowly and steadily, as upon a swivel, until his eyes pointed backward. Then he drew his arms out of the barrel, and finally,

33:33revolving his body till it matched his head, he deliberately mounted upon the supporting block and sat down upon the sharp edge of the barrel in the hot steam. Then he replied, Good morning, Jacob! Fine morning! A little warm in spots I should imagine, returned to the sun. Do you find that a comfortable seat? While yes, it's good enough for an old man, he answered in a slightly husky voice, and with an uneasy gesture of the legs. Don't make much difference in this life where we set, if we're good, does it? This world ain't heaven anyhow, I suppose. There I do not entirely agree with you, rejoined the young man, composing his body upon a stump for a philosophical argument. I don't neither, added the old one, absently, screwing about on the edge of the barrel and constructing a painful grimace. There was no argument but his silence instead. Suddenly the aged party sprang off that barrel, with exceeding great haste, as if one who has made up his mind

34:35to do a thing and is impatient of delay. The seat of his trousers was steaming grandly, the barrel upset, and there was a great wash of hot water, leaving a deposit of spotted pig. In life, that pig had belonged to Mr. Scholliver, the younger. Mr. Scholliver, the younger was angry, but remembering Jefferson's maxim, he rattled off the number 10, finishing up with youth thief. Then perceiving himself very angry, he began all over again and ran up to 100, as a monkey scampers up a ladder. As the last syllable shot from his lips, he planted a dreadful blow between the old man's eyes, with a shriek that sounded like used son of a sea cook. Mr. Scholliver, the elder, went down like a stricken beef, and his son, often afterward, explained that if he had not counted a hundred and so given himself time to get thoroughly mad, he did not believe he could have ever licked the old man.

35:36End of chapter 11 Chapter 12 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers This leap of ox recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6-090. Mr. Hunker's mourner Strolling through lone mountain cemetery one day, my attention was arrested by the inconsolable grief of a granite angel, bewailing the loss of Jacob Hunker aged 67. The attitude of utter rejection, the look of matchless misery upon to that angel's face sank into my heart, like water into a sponge. I was about to offer some words of condolence when another man, similarly affected, got in before me, and laying a rather unsteady hand upon the celestial soldier tipped back a very senile hat, and pointing to the name on the stone, remarked with the most exact care and scrupulous accent. Friend of yours, perhaps, been dead long?

36:40There was no reply he continued, very worthy man that Jake knew him up into all of me. Good fellow Jake. No response, the gentleman settled his hat still farther back, and continued with the trifle-less exactness of speech. I say, young woman, Jake was my part in the mines. Good fellow I preserved. The last sentence was shot straight into the celestial ear at short range. It produced no effect. The gentleman's patience and rhetorical vigilance were now completely exhausted. He walked round and planting himself defiantly in front of the vicarious mourner. He stuck his hands doggedly into his pockets and delivered the following a rebuke, like the desultery explosions of a bunch of damaged firecrackers. It won't do old girl. If Jake knows how you treat in his old part, he'd just get up and snatch you bald-headed. He would. You ain't no friend on his, and yank, for no good. You bet. Now you just

37:41sling your swag and bolt back to heaven, or I'm hanged. If I don't have something worse and horse still into answer for this time, he took a step forward at this point I interfied. End of chapter 12 Chapter 13 Of the Friends Delight by Ambrose Beers. This Liebervox recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6-090. A bit of shivalry. And Woodward's garden in the city of San Francisco is a rather badly chiseled statue of Pandora pulling open her casket of ills. Pandora's raiment. A greek to-state has slipped down about her waist, in a manner exceedingly reprehensible. One evening about to toy-light I was passing that way, and saw a long gone to minor. Evidently just down from the mountains, and whom I had seen before,

38:41staining rather unsteadily in front of Pandora, admiring her shapely figure, but seemingly afraid to approach her, seeing the advance he turned to me with a queer puzzled expression in his funny eyes, and set within earnestness that came near defeating its purpose. Good evening to you, stranger. Good evening, sir, I replied. After having analyzed his salutation and extracted the sense of it, lowering his voice to what was intended for a whisper, the minor with a jerk of his thumb, Pandaword, continued, stranger, do you happen to know her? Certainly, that is Bridget Pandora, a greek maiden in the pay of the board of supervisors. He strived in to himself up with a jerk, that threatened the integrity of his neck, and made his teeth snap. Lurched heavily to the other side, oscillating critically for a few moments and muttered. Bridget Pandora, it was too much for him,

39:42he went down into his pocket, fumbled feebly round, and finally drawing out a paper of purely hypothetical tobacco, invaded to his mouth and bid off about two-thirds of it, which he masticated with much apparent benefit to his understanding, offering what was left to me. He then resumed the conversation with the easy familiarity of one who has established a claim to respectful attention. Partner, couldn't you introduce a fellow's wands, the nore? Impossible, I have not the honor of her acquaintance. A look of distrust crept into his face, and finally settled into a savage scound about his eyes. At Verbo, we understand that even the best of plans sometimes need a little support,

40:43so we plan for the plot twists. Every booking is automatically backed by our Verbo care guarantee, giving you confidence from the very start. Whenever you need help, it's ready, before you stay through the moments in between and after your trip, because a great trip starts with peace of mind, and maybe a good playlist, but we've got the peace of mind part covered. There's nothing like the American Express Platinum Card. Find out your welcome offer after you apply, which could be as high as 175,000 points. Learn more and find out your offer at americanexpress.com slash explorer dash Platinum, terms apply. Said you newer, he faltered menacingly, so I did, but I'm not upon speaking terms with her, and in fact she declines to recognize me. The soul of the honest miner flamed out. He laid his hand threateningly upon his pistol, jerked himself stiff, glared a moment at me, with the look of a tiger, and hurled this question at my head,

41:44as if it had been an iron interrogation point. What have you been at doing to that girl? I fled, and the last I saw the chubblerous gold hunter, he had his arm about Pandora's stony waist, and was endeavoring to soothe her supposed agitation by stroking her granite head. End of chapter 13 Chapter 14 of the Fiend's Delight by Ambrose Bears This Libravox recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6090, the head of the family. Our story begins with the death of our hero, the manner that was decapitation, the instrument emolling machine, a young son of the deceased, done with horror, seized the paternal head and ran with it to the house. There, jashlade, the young man, voling the gory pete across the threshold at his mother's feet, look at that, will you? The old lady adjusted her spectacles, lifted the dripping head into her lap,

42:47wiped the face of it with her apron, and gazed into its fishy eyes with tender curiosity. John said she thoughtfully, is this yours? No ma, it ain't none of mine. John continued she with a cold unimpassioned earnest, where did you give this thing? Why ma, return the hopeful, that's pops. John, and there was just a touch of severity in her voice, when your mother asks you a question, you should answer that particular question, where did you get this? Out in the meadow then, if you're so durned particular, retorted the youngster, somewhat peaked, the mowing machine lopped it off, the old lady rose, and restored the head into the hands of the young man, then stricken with some difficulty her aged back, and assuming a maternally dignity of bearing in feature, she emitted the rebuked following. My son, the gentleman whom you hold in your hand, any more pointed illusion to whom, would be painful to both of us, has punished you a hundred

43:50times for meddling with things long about the farm. Take that head back and put it down where you found it, or you will make your mother very angry. End of chapter 14 Chapter 15 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers This Leap of Ox recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6-090. Deathbed Repentance An old man of 75 years lay dying. For a lifetime he had turned a death year to religion, and steeped his soul in every current crime. He had robbed the orphan and plundered the widow. He had rested from the hard hands of honest toil, three wards of labor, had lost at the gaming table the wealth with which he should have endowed churches and Sunday schools, had wasted in righteous living the substance of his patrimony and left his wife and children without bread. The intoxicating bull had been his god. His belly had absorbed his entire attention.

44:56In carnal pleasures passed his days and nights, and to the maddened desires of his heart he had ministered without shame and without remorse. He was a bad, bad egg, and now this hardened inquiter was to meet his maker. Feagley and unhesitatingly, his breath fluttered upon his palad lips, weekly trembled the pulse in his Latin veins. Why children, mother-in-law, friends, who should have hovered lovingly about his couch, cheering his last moments and giving him medicine, he had killed with grief or driven widely away, and he was now dying alone by the inadequate light of a tallow candle, deserted by heaven and by earth. No, not by heaven. Suddenly the door was pushed softly open, and there entered the good minister. His pious counsel, the suffering wretch, had in health so often derided. Solomely the man of God advanced, bivalain hand. Long and silently he stood uncoppard in the presence of death, then with cold and impressive dignity

45:59he remarked, miserable old sinner. Old Joan as the lashworthy looked up, he sat up. The voice of that holy man put strength into his aged limbs and he stood up. He was reserved for a better fate than to die like an neglected dog. Mr. Lashworthy was hanged for bringing a minister of the gospel with a bootjack. This touching tale has a moral. Moral of this touching tale. In snatching a brand from the eternal burning, make sure of its condition and be careful how you lay hold of it. End of chapter 15. Chapter 16 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Bears This Leapervox recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6-090. The New Church that was not built. I have a friend who was never a church member, but was and is

47:01a millionaire, a generous benevolent millionaire, who once went about doing good by stealth. But with a natural preference for doing it at his office. One day he took it into his thoughtful novel that he would like to assist in the erection of a new church edifice to replace the inadequate and shabby structure in which a certain small congregation in his town then worshipped. So he drew up a subscription paper modestly headed the list with Christian $2,000 and started one of the deacons about with it. In a few days the deacon came back to him, like the dog to the ark, saying he had succeeded in procuring a few names, but the press of his private business was such that he had felt compelled to entrust the paper to deacon Smith. Next day the document was presented to my friend as nearly blank as when it left his hands. Brother Smith explained that he, Smith, had started this thing, and a brother calling himself Christian,

48:04whose name he was not at liberty to disclose, had put down $2,000. What our friend ate to them with an equal amount? Our friend took the paper and wrote, the lanthropist $1,000, and brother Smith went away. In a bad week brother Jones put in an appearance with the subscription paper. By extraordinary exertions, brother Jones, thinking a handsome new church would be an ornament to the town and increase the value of real estate, had got to brethren who desired to remain in cog, to subscribe, Christian $2,000, and philanthropist $1,000. Would my friend kindly help along a struggling congregation? My friend would. He wrote, citizen $500. Pledging brother Jones, as he had pledged the others, not to reveal his name until it was time to pay. Some weeks afterward, a clergyman stepped into my friend's counting room, and after smilingly

49:04introducing himself produced that identical subscription list. Mr. K said, he, I hope you will pardon the liberty, but I have set on foot a little scheme to erect a new church for our congregation, and three of the brethren have subscribed handsomely. Would you mind doing something to help along the good work? My friend glanced over his spectacles at the profferge paper. He rose in his wrath, he towered. Seizing a loaded pen, he dashed at that fair sheet and scrambled thereon in raging characters. In Pintinant's sinner, not one cent by G. After a brief explanatory conference, the minister thoughtfully went his way. That struggling congregation still worships devoutly in its original unpretending temple. Chapter 17 of the Feens Delight by Ambrose Beers

50:09This leap of ox recording is in the public domain, recorded by April 6090. A tale of the Great Quake. One glorious morning after the great earth quake of October 21st, 1868, had with some difficulty shaken me into my trousers and boots. I left the house. I may as well state that I left it immediately, and by an aperture constructed for another purpose. Arrived in the street, I, at once, we took myself to saving people. This I did by remarking closely the occurrence of other shocks, giving the alarm and setting in an example, fit to be followed. The example was followed, but owing to the vigor with which it was set, was seldom overtaken. In passing down Clay Street, I observed an old Rickety brick boarding house, which seemed to be just on the point of honoring the demands of the earthquake upon its resources. The last shot can't subside it, but the building was slowly and composed

51:10of settling into the ground. As the third story came down to my level, I observed in one of the front rooms a young and lovely female in white, standing at a door, trying to get out. She couldn't for the door was locked. It's Paul and America, make it count at the Ram Drive-In-To-Fall sales event, make it powerful with our strongest Ram 1500 ever, make it move with the Ram Heavy Duty with an available Cummins diesel, and make it go the distance with a 10 year or 100,000 mile-power train limited warranty. Hurry and now for great deals during the Ram Drive-In-To-Fall sales event, excludes fully electric vehicles applied to 2026 model-year vehicles non-transferable, visit MoPAR.com for complete details on a copy of the powertrain limited warranty, come and visit registered trademark of Cummins Inc. Ram and Hemi are registered trademarks of FCAUS LLC. Kitchen and Bathroom professionals know what goes behind the tile matters. That's why trade pros trust Fiber cement, party backer board to keep tile firmly in place, resist cracking, and help block moisture. Chosen in over 40 million kitchen's and bathrooms,

52:12party backer board, what the best build on. Shop now at participating home depot, lows, and floor into core stores. For more information visit jameshardy.com slashhardybacker. I saw her through the keyhole. With a single blow of my heel, I opened that door and opened my arms at the same time. Thank God, cried I. I have arrived in time. Come to these arms. The lady in white stopped, drew out an eyeglass, placed it carefully upon her nose, and taking an inventory up me from head to foot replied, no thank you. I prefer to come to grief in the regular way. While the pleasing tones of her voice were still ringing in my ears, I noticed a puff of smoke rising from near my left toe. It came from the chimney of that house. End of Chapter 17 Chapter 18 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers This leap of ox recording is in the public domain.

53:15Recording by April 6-090, Johnny. Johnny is a little four-year-old of bright, pleasant manners and remarkable foreign intelligence. The other evening his mother took him upon her lap, and after stroking his curly head a while, asked him if he knew who made him. I grieved to state that instead of answering dog, as might have been expected, Johnny commenced cramming his face full of gingerbread, and finally took a fit of coughing that threatened the dissolution of his frame. Having unloaded his throat and whacked him on the back, his mother propounded the following supplementary conundrum. Johnny, are you not aware that at your age, every little boy is expected to say something brilliant and reply to my former question? How can you so dishonor your parents as to neglect this golden opportunity? Think again, though the little urchin cast his eyes upon the floor and meditated a long time.

54:16Suddenly he raised his face and began to move his lips. There is no knowing what he might have said, but at that moment his mother noted the pressing necessity of ringing and mopping his nose, which she performed with such painful and conscientious singleness of purpose that Johnny set up a war-woop like that of a night-blooming tomcat. It may be objective that this little tale is neither instructive nor amusing. I have never seen any stories of bright children that were. End of chapter 18 Chapter 19 of the Friends Delight by Ambrose Beers This Leap of Box recording is in the public domain. Recording by April 6-090 The Childs Provider Mr. Goboffel had a small child, no wife, a large dog, and a house. As he was unable to afford the expense of a nurse, he was accustomed to leave the child in the

55:18care of the dog, who was much attached to it. While absent at a distant restaurant for his meals, taking the precaution to lock them together to prevent kidnapping. One day while at his diner, he crowded a large, hard-boiled potato down his neck, and he conducted him into eternity. His clay was taken to the coroners, and the great world went on, marrying and giving in marriage, lying, cheating, and praying, as if he had never existed. Meantime, the dog had, after several days of neglect, forced and agressed through a window, and a neighboring baker received a call from him daily. Walking gravely in, he would deposit a piece of silver, and receiving a roll, and his change would march off homeward. As this was a rather unusual proceeding in a curve of his species, the baker one day followed him, and as the dog leaped joyously into the window of the deserted house, the man of dough approached and looked in.

56:20What was his surprise to see, the dog deposit his bird calmly upon the floor, and fall to tenderly licking the face of a beautiful child. It is but fair to explain that there was nothing but the face remaining, but this dog did so love the child. End of chapter 19 Chapter 20 of the Feen's Delight By Ambrose Beers, this leap of ox recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6090. The boys who began wrong. Two little California boys were arrested at Reno for horse-thieving. They had started from surprise valley with a cavalcade of 30 animals, and disposed of them leisurely along their line of march, until they were picked up at Reno, as above explained. I don't feel quite easy about those youths, a way out there in Nevada, without

57:21their testaments. Where there are no Sunday school books, boys are so apt to swear, and chew to backhoe and rob slew boxes, and once the boy begins to do that, last he might as well sell out. He's bound to end by doing something bad. I knew a boy once who began by robbing slew boxes, and he went right on from bad to worse. Until the last I heard of him, he was in the state legislature, elected by democratic votes. He never saw anybody take on as his poor old mother did, when she heard about it. Hank said she to the boys' father, who was forging a bank note in the chimney corner. This all comes, or not educate him, when he was a baby. If he'd learned spelling and ciphering, he never could have been elected. It pains me to state that old Hank didn't seem to get any thinner under the family disgrace, and his appetite never left him for a minute.

58:23The fact is the old gentleman wanted to go to the United States Senate. End of chapter 20 Chapter 21 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers This leap of ox recording is in the public domain. Recording by April 6-090, it cancels incident. In invalid wife and leavenworth, heard her husband make proposals of marriage to the nurse. The dying woman arose in bed, fixed her large black eyes for a moment upon the face of her heartless spouse with a reproachful intensity that must haunt him through life, and then fell back a corpse. The remorse of that widower, as he led the blushing nurse to the altar the next week, can be more easily imagined than described. Such reparation as was in his power he made. He buried the first wife decently

59:24and very deep down, laying a handsome and exceedingly heavy stone up upon the simple curve. He chiseled upon the stone the following simple and touching line. She can't get back. End of chapter 21 Chapter 22 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers This leap of ox recording is in the public domain. Recording by April 6-090 Some fiction, Mr. Grills' girl. In a lecture about girls, Katie Stanton contrasted the booy in spirit of young males with the dejected sickliness of immature women. This, she says, is because the latter are keenly sensitive to the fact that they have no aim in life. This is a sad, sad truth. No longer a go, then last year, the writer's youngest girl, Gloriaana. A skin milk blonde concern of 14 came pencidly up to her father with big tears in her little eyes,

1:00:29and a forgotten morsel of butter bread laying on a chute in her mouth. Papa, murmured the poor thing, I'm getting awfully pokey, and my clothes don't seem to set well in the back. My days are full of ungratified longings, and my nights don't get any better. Papa, I think society needs turning inside out and scraping. I haven't gotten nothing to aspire to, no aim, nor anything. The desolate creature spilled herself loosely into a king-bottom chair. And her sorrow broke like a great dyke broken. The writer lifted her tenderly upon his knee, and bit her softly on the neck. Gloriaana said he, have you chewed up all that toffee in two days? A smothered sob was her frank confession. Now see here glow continued the parent rather sternly. Don't let me hear any more about aspirations, which are always adulterated with Tara Alba, nor aims, which will give you gripes like anything. You just take this two-shelling piece and

1:01:33invest every penny of it in lollipops. You should have seen the fair bright smile crawl from one of that innocence ears to the other. You should have marked that face sprinkle all over with dimples. You ought to have beheld the tears of joy, jumped glittering into, her eyes, and spill all over her father's clean shirt, that he hadn't had on more than 15 minutes. Katie Stanton is infotent of evil in the girl family, so long as the price of sweet remains unchanged. End of chapter 22 Chapter 23 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers This leap-revox recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6, 090. Some fiction, his railway. The writer remembers as if it were but yesterday when he edited the hanged tree herald.

1:02:33Kitchen and bathroom professionals know what goes behind the tile matters. That's why trade pros trust fiber cement, party backerboard to keep tile firmly in place, resist cracking, and held block moisture. Chosen over 40 million kitchens and bathrooms, party backerboard, what the best build on. Shop now at participating Home Depot, Lowe's, and floor into core stores. For more information visit jameshardy.com slashhardybacker. For six months he devoted his best talent to advocating the construction of a railway between that place and jayhawk, 30 miles distant. The route presented every inducement. There would be no grading required and not a single curve would be necessary. As it lay through an uninhabited alkylifelat, the right of way could be easily obtained. As neither terminus had other than packed mule communication with civilization, the rolling stock and other material must necessarily be constructed at hanged tree,

1:03:38because the people at the other end didn't know enough to do it and hadn't any blacksmith. The benefit to our place was indisputable. It constituted the most seductive charm of the scheme. After six months of conscientious lying, the company was incorporated, and the first shovelful of alkylifed turned up and preserved in a museum. When suddenly the devil put it into the head of one of the directors to inquire publicly, what the road was designed to carry. It is needless to say the question was never satisfactorily answered, and the most daring enterprise of the age was not perfectly cold. That very night, a deputation of stockholders waited upon the editor of the herald and prescribed a change of climate. They afterwards said the change did them good. End of chapter 23. Chapter 24 of the Fiends' Delight by Ambrose Beers

1:04:40This leap of ox recording is in the public domain, recording by April 690. Some fiction, Mr. Gish makes a present. In the season for making presents, my friend, stock-dottle-gish-esquire, thought he would so far waive his superiority to the insignificant portion of mankind, outside his own waste-coat, as to follow one of his customs. Mr. Gish had a friend, a delicate female of the shrinking sort, whom he favors with his esteem as a sort of equivalent for the respect she accords in when he brabizzer. Our hero numbers among the blessings, which his merit has extorted from, niggeredly nature, a gaunt meet-hound. Between whose head and body there exists, about the same proportion as between those of a catfish, which he also resembles in the matter of mouth. As to sides, this precious pub is not dissimilar to a crockery crate, loosely covered, with a wet sheet. In appetite he is liberal and cosmopolitan,

1:05:44loving a dried sheepskin, as well in proportion to its weight, as a kettle of soap. The village which Mr. Gish honors by his residence has, for some years, been kept upon the dizzy verge of financial ruin by the maintenance of the animal. The reader will have already surmised, that it was this beast which our hero selected to testify his toleration of his lady friend. There never was a greater mistake. Mr. Gish merely presented her a sheath of assorted angleworms, neatly bound with a pink ribbon tied into a simple knot. The dog is an heirloom and will descend to the gishes of the next generation, in the direct line of inheritance. End of chapter 24 Chapter 25 of the fiend's delight by Ambrose Beers This leap of ox recording is in the public domain, recorded by April 690. Some fiction, a cow county pleasantry.

1:06:51About the most ludicrous incident that I remember occurred one day in an ordinarily solemn village in the cow counties. A worthy matron who had been absent looking after a vey-grum cow, returned home and pushing against the door founded obstructed by some heavy substance, which upon examination proved to be her husband. He had been slaughtered by some roving joker, who had wrought upon him with a pecanum. To one of his ears was pinned a scrap of greasy paper, upon which were scrambled the following sentiments in pencil tracks. The enclosed body is that of old burker, step lightly stranger, for you lies the mortal part of what you must be summed up, lies arrest for the weary. If burker hadn't worked again me for corner, I wouldn't have been to sit on him. Upset is the kingdom of heaven. You don't want to move this body till him summons to hold in nine keys, or for ash or grass. The ridiculous part of

1:07:56the story is that the lady did not wait to summon the corner, but took charge of the remains herself, and in dragging them toward the bed she exploded into her face a shotgun, which had been cunningly contrived to discharge by a string connected with the body. Thus was she punished for an infraction of the law. The next day the particulars were told me by the facetious corner himself, whose jury had just rendered a verdict of accidental drowning in both cases. I don't know when I have enjoyed a hearty or laugh. End of chapter 25 26 of the Fiend's Delight by Ambrose Beers This Lieberbox recording is in the public domain, recorded by April 6-090, the optimist, and what he died of. One summer evening, while sterling with considerable difficulty over Russian Hill, San Francisco, Mr. Grill aspired a man standing upon the extreme summit, with a pensive brow,

1:09:02and a suit of clothes, which seemed to have been handed down through a long line the ancestors from a remote Jew peddler. Mr. Grill respectfully saluted. A man who has any clothes at all is to him an object of veneration. The stranger opened the conversation. My son, said he, in a tone suggested of strangulation by the sheriff. Do you behold this wonderful city, its warves crowded with the shipping of all nations? Mr. Grill beheld with amazement. 21 years ago alas, it used to be but 20. And he wiped away a tear. You might have bought the whole darn thing for a Mexican ounce. Mr. Grill hastened to offer a paper of tobacco, which disappeared like a whisper of oats drawn into a threshing machine. I was one among the first two. Mr. Grill hit him on the head with a paving stone by a way of changing

1:10:02the topic. Young man, continue to eat. Do you feel this bonny breeze? There isn't a climate in the world. This melancholy relic broke down it in a fit of coughing. No sooner had he recovered than he leaped into the air, making a frantic clutch as something but apparently without success. Darn it, his tea. There goes my teeth. Blowed out again by hokey. A passing cloud of dust hid him for a moment from view. And when he reappeared, he was an altered man. A paroxysm of asthma had doubled him up like a nutcracker. Excuse me, he weased. I'm subject to this. Got it crossed in the isthmus in 49. As I was a saying, there's no country in the world that offers such inducements to the immigrant at Caliphoni. With her fertile soil, her unrivaled climate, her magnificent bay, and the rest of it, there was enough for all. This venerable pioneer picked a fragmentary biscuit from the street and

1:11:04devoured it. Mr. Grille thought this had gone on about long enough. He twisted the head off, that hopeful old party surrendered himself to the authorities and was at once discharged. End of chapter 26 Chapter 27 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers This leap of ox recording is in the public domain. Recording by April 6, 090 Some fiction, the root of education. Epedigog in Indiana, who was had up, for unmercifully wailing the back of a little girl, justified his action by explaining that she persisted in flinging paper-pilots at him when his back was turned. That is no excuse. Mr. Grille once taught school up in the mountains, and about every half hour had to remove his coat and scrape off the dried paper-walks adhering to the nap. He never permitted a trifle like this to unsettle

1:12:07his patience. He just kept on wearing that gabberting until it had no nap and the wads wouldn't stick. But when they took to dipping them in mukelage, he made a complaint to the board of directors. Young man said the chairman. If you don't like our ways, you'd better sling your blankets and get. Printed Stremulford, towards school year for more in six months, and he never said a word again the wads. Mr. Grille briefly explained that Mr. Mulford might have been brought up to paper wads and didn't mind them. It ain't no use, said another director. The children have got to be amused. Mr. Grille protested that there were other amusements quite as diverting, but the third director here rose and remarked. I perfectly agree with the cheer. This youngster better travel. I consider as paper wads lies at the root of popular education. They're a necessary adjunct

1:13:13of the school system. Mr. Chairman, I move in second, but this year's school marsh to be shot. Mr. Grille did not remain to observe the result of the voting. End of chapter 27 Chapter 28 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers This leave of box recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6, 090. Some fiction, retribution. The citizen of Pittsburgh aged 60 had by tireless industry and the exercise of rigid economy. Accumulated a hoard of frugal dollars, the sight and feel wear off, were to his soul appear delight. Imagine his sorrow and the heaviness of his aged heart when he learned that the good wife had bestowed their up upon her brother bountiful largesse exceeding his merit. Sadly and prayerfully, while she slept, lifted by the

1:14:16retributive mallet and beat in her brittle paint. Then with the quiet dignity of one who has redressed a grievous wrong, surrendered himself unto the law this worthy old man. Let him who has never known the great grief of slaughtering a wife, judge him harshly. He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone, and let it be a large heavy stone that shall grind that wicked old man into a powder of exceeding impalpability. End of chapter 28 Chapter 29 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Bears This leave of box recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6, 090. Some fiction, the Faithful Wife. A man was sentenced to 20 years confinement for a deed of violence, in the excitement of the moment his wife sought and obtained a divorce.

1:15:2013 years afterward he was pardoned. The wife brought the pardon to the gate, the couple left the spot arm and arm, and in less than an hour they were again united in the bonds of wedlock. Such is the touching tale narrated by a newspaper correspondent. It is an every respect true. I knew the party's well, and during that long bitter period of 13 years it was commonly asked concerning the woman. Hasn't that hag trapped anybody yet? She'll have to take back old jade when he gets out, and she did. For nearly 13 weary years she struggled nobly against fate. She went after every unmarried man in her part of the country. But no, said they, we cannot, indeed we cannot, marry you. After the way you went back on jade, it is likely that under the same circumstances you would play as the same scurvy trick, go away woman. And so the poor old brokenhearted creature had to go to the governor and get the

1:16:24old man pardoned out. Bless her for her steadfast fidelity. End of chapter 29 Chapter 30 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers This Librebox recording is in the public domain, recorded by April 6-090 Some fiction, Margaret the Childless. This, therefore, is the story of her. Some four years ago, her husband brought home a baby, which he said he found lying in the street, in which they concluded to adopt. About a year after this, he brought home another, and the good woman thought she could stand that one too. A similar period passed away when one evening he opened the door and fell headlong into the room, swearing with study correctness at a dog which had tripped him up, but which upon inspection turned out to be another baby.

1:17:28Margaret's suspicion was aroused, but to delay his, she hastened to implore him to adopt that darling also, to which after some slight hesitation he consented. Another 12 month rolled into eternity. When one evening the lady heard a noise in the backyard, and going out she saw her husband, laboring at the windlass of the well with unwanted industry. As the bucket neared the top he reached down and extracted another infant, exactly like the former ones, and holding it up he explained to the astonished matron. Look at this now. Did you ever see such a sweet young one go a campaigning about the country without a lantern and a tumbling into wells? There take the poor little thing into the fire and get off its wet clothes. It suddenly flashed across his mind that he hadn't neglected in obvious precaution. Kitchen and bathroom professionals know what goes behind the tile matters. That's why trade pros

1:18:33trust fiber cement, party backerboard to keep tile firmly in place, resist cracking, and held block moisture. Chosen in over 40 million kitchens and bathrooms, party backerboard, what the best build on. Shop now at participating Home Depot, Lowe's, and floor into core stores. For more information visit jameshardy.com slashhardybacker. The clothes were not wet and he hates to lay added. There's no telling what would have become of it. A climb and down that rope, if I hadn't seen it before, it got down to the water. Silently the good wife took the infant into the house and disrobed it. Sorrowfully she laid it alongside its little brothers and sister. Long and bitterly she went over the quartet. And then with one tender look at her lord and master, smoking in solemn silence by the fire, and resembling them with all his might. She gathered her shawl about her bowed shoulders, and went away into the night.

1:19:33End of Chapter 30 Chapter 31 of the Fiends Delight by Embrose Beers This Leaperbox recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6-090. Some fiction, the dis-competed demon. I never clearly knew why I visited the old cemetery that night. Perhaps it was to see how the work of removing the bodies was getting on. For they were all being taken up and carted away to a more comfortable place, where land was less valuable. It was well enough, nobody had buried himself there for years, and the skeletons that were now exposed were old moldy affairs, for which it was difficult to feel any respect. However, I put a few bones in my pocket as souvenirs. The night was one of those black, gusty ones in March, with great inky clouds driving rapidly

1:20:34across the sky, spilling down sudden showers of rain, which, as subtly, would cease. I could barely see my way between the empty graves, and in blundering about among the coffins, I tripped and fell head long. A peculiar laugh at my side caused me to turn my head, and I saw a singular old gentleman whom I had often noticed hanging about the coroner's office, sitting cross-legged upon a prostrate tombstone. How are you, sir, said I, rising awkwardly to my feet? Nice night! Get off my tail, answer the elderly party without moving a muscle. My eccentric friend rejoined I, mockingly. May I be permitted to inquire your street and number? Certainly, he replied, number one, moral place, asphalt avenue, haides. The devil, sneered I. Exactly, said he. Ablige me by getting off my tail.

1:21:37I was a little staggered, and by way of rallying, my somewhat-daised faculties offered a cigar. Smoke? Thank you. Said the singular old gentleman, putting it under his coat. After dinner, drink? I was not exactly prepared for this, but did not know if it would be safe to decline, and so putting the proper flask to my lips, pretending to swig elaborately, keeping my mouth tightly closed to the wild. Good article, said I, returning it. He simply remarked you're a fool, and emptied the bottle at a gulp. And now, resume tea, you will confer a favor I shall highly appreciate by removing your feet from my tail. There was a slight shock of earthquake, and all the skeletons incite arose to their feet, stretch themselves and yond audibly. Without moving from his seat, the old gentleman wrapped the nearest one across the skull with his gold-headed cane, and they all curled away to sleep again.

1:22:41Sire, I resumed, indulge me in the impertinence of inquiring your business here at this hour. My business is none of yours, retorted he calmly. What are you up to yourself? I've been picking up some bones, I replied carelessly. Then you are, I am, a ghoul. My good friend, you do me injustice. You have doubtless read very frequently in the newspapers of the fiend in human shape, whose actions and way of life are so generally denounced. Sire, you see before you that maligned party. There was a quick jerk under the souls of my feet, which pitched me prone upon the ground. Scramble up, I saw the old gentleman vanishing behind in a adjacent sand hill as if the devil were after him. End of chapter 31 Chapter 32 of the fiend's delight by Ambrose Veers. This leap of wax recording is in the public domain.

1:23:47Recording by April 6, 090. Some fiction, the mistake of a life. The hotel was in flames. Mr. Popeweed was promptly on hand and tore madly into the burning pile. Once he soon emerged with a nude female, depositing her tenderly upon a pile of hot pericks, he mocked his steaming front with his warm coat tail. Now Mrs. Popeweed said he, where will I be most likely to find the children? They will naturally wish to get out. The lady assumed a stiffly vertical attitude, and with freezing dignity, replied in the words following, Sir, you have saved my life. I presume you are entitled to my thanks. If you are likewise solicitous regarding the fate of the person you have mentioned, you had better go back and prospect round till you find her. She would probably be delighted to see you. But while I have a character to maintain unsolid, you shall not stand there in calming Mrs.

1:24:54Popeweed. Just then the front wall toppled outward, and Popeweed cleared the street at a single bound. He never learned what became of the strange lady, and to the day of his death, he professed an indifference that was simply brutal. End of chapter 32 Chapter 33 Of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers This Librebox recording is in the public domain. Recording by April 6090 Some fiction L.S. Early one evening in the Atom of 64, a panel girl stood singing Methodist hymns at the summit of Bush Street Hill. She was a tired, Spanish fashion in a loose overcoat and slippers. Suddenly she broke off her song, a dark brown young soldier from the procedure cautiously and seizing her fondly in his arms snatched away the overcoat, retreating with it to an auction

1:25:59house on Pacific Street, where it may still be seen by the benigned traveler, just a going for two and a half and never gone. The poor maiden after this misfortune felt a bitter resentment swelling in her heart, and scorning to remain among her kind in that costume took her way to the cliffhouse. Where she arrived, worn and weary, about breakfast time. The landlord received her kindly and offered her a pair of his best trousers, but she was of noble blood and having been reared in luxury, respectfully declined to receive charity from a low-born stranger, all efforts to induce her to eat were equally unavailing. She would stand for hours on the rocks where the road descends to the beach. Engazed at the playful seals in the surfy low, her others seemed flattered by her attention and would swim about singing their sweetest songs to her alone.

1:27:00Passerbyes were equally curious as to her, but a broken lear gives forth no music, and her heart responded not with any more long, meter hymns. After a few weeks of this solitary life, she was suddenly missed. At the same time, a strange seal was noted among the rest. She was remarkable for being always clad in an overcoat, which she had doubtless fished up from the wreck of the French galleon, Brugnaudello, which went ashore, there some years afterward. One tempestuous knight an old hag who had long done business as a hermitess on Helmet Rock came into the bar room at the cliff house, and there amidst the crushing thunders and lightnings spilling all over the horizon, she related that she had seen a young seal in a comfortable overcoat, sitting pensively upon the pinnacle of seal rock, and had distinctly heard the familiar words of a Methodist hymn. Upon inquiry, the table was discovered to be founded upon

1:28:05the fact. The identity of the seal could no longer be denied without downright blasphemy, and in all the old chronicles of that period, no doubt is even implied. One day a handsome dark young lieutenant of infantry, Don Edmondo by name, came out to the cliff house to celebrate his recent promotion. While standing upon the verge of the cliff with his friends all about him, Lady Celia, as visitors had christened her, came swimming below him, and taking off her overcoat, laid it upon a rock. She then turned up her eyes, and sang a Methodist hymn. No sooner did the brave Don Edmondo hear it than he tore off his gorgeous clothes and cast himself head long into the billows. Lady Celia cut him dexterously by the waist in her mouth, and swimming to the outer rock, sat up and softly bit him in halves. She then laid the pieces tenderly in a conspicuous place. Kitchen and bathroom professionals know what goes behind the tile

1:29:11matters. That's why trade pros trust Fiber cement, party backer board to keep tile firmly in place, resist cracking, and help block moisture. Chosen in over 40 million Kitchen's in bathrooms, party backer board, what the best build on. Shop now at participating Home Depot, Lowe's, and floor into core stores. For more information, visit JamesHearty.com slash heartybacker. Put on her overcoat, and flinging into the waters was never seen more. Many of the wild fabrication of the poet's about her subsequent career, but to this day, nothing authentic has churned up. For some months, strenuous efforts were made to recover the wicked lieutenant's body. Every appliance which genius could invent and skill could wield was put in requisition. Until one night, the landlord, fearing these constant efforts, might frighten away the seals, had the remains quietly removed and secretly interred. End of Chapter 33

1:30:18Chapter 34 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers This leap of ox recording is in the public domain. Recording by April 6090, some fiction, the Baffled Asian. One day in 49, in honest minor, Nappin Calaveras County, California, bid himself with a small snake of the garden variety, and either as a possible antidote or with a determination to enjoy the brief remnant of a wasted life, applied a brimming jug of whiskey to his lips, and kept it therein till, like a repleted leech, it fell off, the man fell off likewise. The next day, while the body lay in state and pony pine slab, and the bereaved partner of the deceased was unbending in a game of seven up with a friendly changnaman. The game was interrupted by a familiar voice, which seemed to proceed from the jaws of the corpse. I say Jim. Bereaved partner played the king of spades, claimed high,

1:31:20and then, looking over his shoulder at the melancholic remains, replied, well, what is it, Dave? I'm busy. I say Jim, repeated the corpse in the same measured tone. With a look of intense annoyance and muttering something about people that could never stop dead more in a minute. The bereaved partner rose and stood over the body with the cards in his hand. Jim continued the mighty dead. How first this thing gone? I've paid the changnaman two and a half to dig the grave, responded the bereaved. Did he strike anything? The changnaman looked up, me strikey paid dirt. Meenoberry did. Melekin in him grieve. Me keep him claim. The corpse sat up erect. Jim, get my revolver and chase that pig tail off. Jump his damn sepulchre and taxes camp $5 for each prospecting on the public domain. These mungolins hordes has got to be got under. And I say Jim,

1:32:25if any more servants come fooling around here drive him off. Taintwright to be biting a filler when whiskey's two dollars gallon during all foreigners anyhow. And the mortal part pulled on its boots. End of chapter 34. Chapter 35 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers. This leap of box recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6, 090. Tall talk. They call to dinner. When the starving peasantry of France were bearing the inimitable fortitude their great bereavement in the death of Louis Le Grosne how cheerfully must they have bowed their necks to the easy yoke of Philip of Orleans. Who set them an example in eating which he had not the slightest objection to their following. A monarch skilled in the mysteries of the cuisine

1:33:25must he wield the scepter all the more gently from his schooling in handling the ladle. In royalty the delicate manipulation of an omelette souffle is at once an evidence of genius and an assurance of a tender forbearance in state policy. All good rulers have been good livers. And if all bad ones have been the same this merely proves that even the worst of men have still something divine in them. There is more in a good dinner than is disclosed by the removal of the covers. Where the eye of hunger perceives but a juicy roast the eye of faith detects a smoking-god. A well-cooked joint is redolent of religion and a delicate pasty is crisp with charity. The man who can light his after dinner Havana without feeling full to the neck with all the cardinal virtues is either steeped in inequity or has dined badly. In either case he is no true man.

1:34:29We stoutly contend that that worthy personage, a procurious, has been shamefully misrepresented by abstinence and hence envious and mendacious historians. Either his philosophy was the most gentle, genial and reverential of antique systems or he was not an epicurian. Kitchen and bathroom professionals know what goes behind the tile matters. That's why trade pros trust Fiber cement party backerboard to keep tile firmly in place, resist cracking, and held block moisture. Chosen in over 40 million kitchens and bathrooms, party backerboard, what the best build on. Shop now at participating Home Depot, Lowe's and floor into core stores. For more information visit jameshardy.com slashhardybacker. And to call him so is a deceitful flattery. We hold that it is morally impossible for a man to dine daily upon the fad of the landing courses. And yet deny a future state of

1:35:34existence, butific with beef, and ecstatic with all edibles. Another falsity of history is that of Helio Gabelis, was it not? Dining off nightened gales tongues. No true gourmet would never send this worbler to the shambles, so long as scarcer birds might be obtained. It is a fine natural instinct that teaches the hungry and cadaverous to avoid the temples of religion, and a short-sighted and misdirected zeal that would gather them into the sanctuary. Religion is for the Oliginians, the fat bellied. Clies saturated devotees of the table. Unless the stomach be lined with good things, the person may say as many as he likes, and his truth shall not be swallowed nor his wisdom. In lead digested, probably the highest ripest and most acceptable form of worship is that performed with a knife and fork.

1:36:38And whoever on the resurrection morning can produce from amongst what the lumber of his catstop flesh, a thin coated in elastic stomach, showing evidences of daily stretches done in the body. We'll find it his radiused passport and best credential. We believe that God will not hold him guiltless who eats with his knife, but if the deadly steel be always well laid in with tooth some morsels, divine justice will be tempered with mercy to that man's soul. When the author of The Lost Tales, represented Sisyphus as capturing his guest, the king of tares, and stuffing the old glutton with meat and drink until he became a jolly Rubicon, ton-bellied death. He gave us a tale which needs no, Hick Fabula Dosek to point out the moral. We've barely believed that Shakespeare written down Pat Jack at his last gas, as babbling not-o-green fields, but-o-green turtle,

1:37:41and that that's drarvely, coley-sivir, altered the text from sheer envy at a good man's death. To die well we must live well. Is a familiar platitude? Morality is, of course, best promoted by the good quality of our fair, but quantitative excellence is by no means to be despised. Guterius Parabus, the man who eats much, is a better Christian than the man who eats little, and he who eats little will pursue a more in-interrupted course of benevolence than he who eats nothing. End of chapter 35 Chapter 36 of the Fiends De Light by Ambro's Veers This Lebervox recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6-09-0. Tall talk on death and immortality. Did it ever strike you, dear reader, that it must be particularly a pleasant thing to be dead,

1:38:46to say nothing hackmate about the blessed freedom from the cares and vacations of life, which we cling to with such tenacity while we can. And which, when we have no longer the power to hold, we let go all at once, with probably a feeling of exquisite relief. And to take no account of this latter probable, but totally undamonstrable, of felicity, it must be what boys call awfully jolly to be dead. Here you are, lying comfortably upon your back. What is left of it? In the cool dark, and with the smell of the fresh earth all about you, your soul goes knocking about amongst an infinity of shadowy things. Lord knows where, making all sorts of silent discoveries in the gloom of what was yesterday, in unknown and mysterious future, and which, after centuries of exploration, must still be strangely unfamiliar. The nomadic thing doubtless comes back occasionally to the old grave.

1:39:48If the body is so fortunate as to possess one, and looks down upon it with big round eyes, and a lingering tenderness, it is hard to conceive a soul entirely cut loose from the old bones, and roving, rudderless, about eternity. It was probably this inability to mentally divorce soul from substance that gave us that absurdly satisfactory belief, in the resurrection of the flesh. There is said to be a race of people somewhere in Africa, who believe in the immortality of the body, but denied the resurrection of the soul. The dead will rise refreshed after their long sleep, and in their anxiety to test their rejuvenated powers, will skip bodily away and forget their souls. Upon returning to look for them, they will find nothing but little blue flames, which can never be extinguished, but may be carried about and used for cooking purposes. This belief probably originates in some dim perception of the love compensation. In this life, the body is the

1:40:52dredge of the spirit. In the next, the situation is reversed. The heaven of the Musulin is not incompatible with this kind of immortality. Its delights, being merely carnal ones, could be as well or better enjoyed without a soul. And the latter might be booked for the Christian heaven, with only just enough of the body to attach a pair of wings to. Mr. Solomon, Muley, Abdul Ben Gaisel, could thus enjoy a duel in mortality and secure a double portion of eternal felicity at no expense to anybody. In fact, there can be no doubt whatever that this theory of a double heaven is, the true one. And needs but to be fairly stated to be universally received, in as much as it supposes the maximum of felicity for terrestrial good behavior. It is therefore a sensible theory, resting upon quite as solid a foundation of fact as any other theory. It must commend itself

1:41:52at once to the pervert real good sense of Christians everywhere. The trouble is that that some architectural scoundrel of a priest is likely to build a religion upon it. And what the world needs is theory. Good, solid, nourishing theory. End of chapter 36 Chapter 37 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers This leap of box recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6090. Tall talk, music, muscular, and mechanical. One cheerful evidence of the descivilization of the Anglo-Saxon race is the late tendency to return to first principles and art, as manifested in substituting noise for music. Herein we detect symptoms of a rapid relapse into original barbarism. The savage who beats his gong or kettle drum, until his face is of a delicate blue and his eyes

1:42:55assert themselves like those of an unterrified snail, believes that musical skill is a mere question of brawn, a matter of muscle. If not wholly ignorant of technical, gymnastics, he has a theory that a deafness at dumbbells is a prime requisite in a finished artist. The advance in a circle of civilization has only partially unsettled this belief in the human mind, and we are constantly, though, unconsciously, reverting to it. It is true the modern demand for a great deal of music has outstripped the supply of muscle for its production. But the ingenuity of man has partially made up for his lack of physical strength, and the sublimar harmonies may still be rendered with tolerable effectiveness, and with little actual fatigue to the artist. As we retrograde towards the condition of permeable man, the man with a gong and kettle drum, the blacksmith slowly reasserts his place as the interpreter of the maestro. But there is a limit beyond which muscle, whether that of the

1:44:01armor cheek, can no further go, without too great an expenditure of force, inferportion to the volume of noise attainable, and right here the splendid triumphs of modern invention and discovery are made manifest. Electricity and gunpowder come to the relief of puny muscle, simple appliance, and orchestra is limited by sparse population. Batteries of artillery, thunder exultingly, are our victory over permeable man, beaten at his own gain, signally routed and put to shame, pounding his infotent gong, and punishing his ridiculous kettle drum in frantic silence amidst the clash and clang and roar of modern art. Chapter 38 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers This leap of box recording is in the public domain, recording by Vipril 6090

1:45:03Tall Talk, the good young man. Why is he? Why do faces he? The fair page of creation. And why is he to be continued? This has never been explained. It is one of those dispensations of providence. The design whereup is wrapped in profoundness obscurity. The good young man is perhaps not without excuse for his existence, but society is without excuse for fermenting it. At his time of life to be good is an insult to humanity. Goodness is proper to the aged. It is their soul glory. Why should this milky stripling bring it into disrepute? Why should he be permitted to defile with the fact of his sleek, locks a crown intended to adorn the grizzled pal of his elders? A young man may be manly, gentle, honorable, noble, tender and true, and nobody will ever think of calling him a good young man. Your good young man is commonly a sneak and is very nearly

1:46:07alley to that other social pest, the nice young lady. As applied to the immature male of our kind, the adjective good seems to have been prepared from its original and ordinary significance. And to have acquired a dislogic one, it is a term of reproach and means as nearly as may be characterless. That anyone should submit to have it applied to him as proof of the essential cowardice of virtue. We believe the diarist ill afflicting civilization is the good young man. The next diarist is his natural and appointed mate, the nice young lady. If the two might be tied neck and heels together and flung into the sea, the land would be the fatter for it. Chapter 39 of the Fiend's Delight by Ambrose Bears This leap of ox recording is in the public domain.

1:47:09Recording by April 6-090, the average person. Our objection to him is not that he is senseless. This, as it concerns us not, we can patiently endure. Nor that he is bigoted. This we expect, and have become accustomed to. Nor that he is small, sole, narrow, and hypocritical. All these qualities become him well, sitting easily and gracefully upon him. We protest against him because he is always carrying on. To carry on in one way or another seems to be the function of his existence and essential to himself. When he is not doing it in the pulpit, he is added in the newspapers. When both fail him, he resorts to the social circle, the church meeting, the Sunday school, or even the street corner. We have known him to disport for half a day upon the curb's stone, carrying on with all his might to whom so ever would endure it.

1:48:10No sooner does a young, sick-faced, theolog, get safely through his ordination, as a baby finishes teething. Then straight away, he casts about him for an opportunity to carry on. A pretext is soon found, and he goes at it hammer and tongs, and forty years after you shall find him at the same trick with that simple aphithe, as exalted as expectation, as vigorous and impotence as the day he began. His carryings on are as diverse in kind as comprehensive in scope, as those of the most versatile Negro minstrel. He cuts as many keepers in a lifetime as there are stars in heaven or grains of sand in a barrel of sugar. Everything is fish that comes to his net. If a discovery in science is announced, he will execute you an antic upon it before it gets fairly cold. Is a new theory advanced? Ten to one, while you are trying to get it through, your head he will stand on his own and make mouths at it. A great invention provokes him into a

1:49:15whirlwind of footflaps, absolutely bewildering to the secular eye. While at any exceptional phenomenon of nature, such as an earthquake, he will project himself frog-like into an infinity of lofty gymnastic absurdities. In short, the slightest agitation of the intellectual atmosphere sets your average person into a tempest of pumping like the jointed, lignisth youth attached to the eccentric of a boy's whirlgig. His philosophy of life may be boiled down into a single sentence, carry on and you will be happy. End of chapter 39 Chapter 40 of the Fiend's Delight by Ambrose Beers This Leapur Vox recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6090. Tall talk. Did we eat one another? There is no doubt of it. The unwelcome truth has long been suppressed by interested parties,

1:50:19who find their account in playing, synchophant, to that self-satisfied tyrant modern man. But to the impartial philosopher it is as plain as the nose upon an elephant's face that our ancestors ate one another. The custom of the Fiji Islanders, which is their only stock-in trade, they're only claimed to notoriety, is a relic of barbarism, but it is a relic of our barbarism. Man is naturally a carnivorous animal. This none but green grocers will dispute. That he was formerly less vegetarian in his diet than at present is clear from the fact that market-gardoning increases in the ratio of civilization. So we may safely assume that at some remote period, man subsisted upon an exclusively flesh diet. Our uniform vanity has given us the human mind as the naplah ultra of intelligence. The human face and figure as the standard of beauty. Of course we cannot deny to human fat and lean

1:51:24in equal superiority over beef, mutton and pork. It is plain that our meat-eating ancestors would think in this way, and being unrestrained by the mockish sentiment attendant upon high civilization would act habitually upon the obvious suggestion, a priory. Therefore it is clear that we ate ourselves. Filiology is about the only thread which connects us with the prehistoric fast. By piecing out into the scattered remnants of language, we form a patchwork of wondrous design, obliged us by considering the derivation of the word sarcophagus and see if it be not suggestive of potted meats. Observe the significance of the phrase sweet sixteen. What a world of meaning lurks in the expression she is sweet as a peach. And how suggestive of luncheon are the words tender youth. I guess itself is buddy modified bite, and when a young girl insists upon making a strawberry mark upon the back of your hand, she only gives way to an instinct she has not yet learned

1:52:29to control. The fond mother, when she says her babe is almost good enough to eat, merely shows as she herself is only a trifle too good to eat it. These evidences might be multiplied at infinum, but if enough has been said to induce one human being to revert to the diet of his ancestors, the object of this essay is accomplished. End of chapter 40 Chapter 41 of the Fiend's Delight by Ambrose Beers This leap of ox recording is in the public domain. Recording by April 6-090. Tall talk. Your friend's friend. If there is any individual who combines within himself the vices of an entire species it is he. A mother-in-law has usually been thought a rather satisfactory specimen of total depravity. It has been customary to regard your sweetheart's brother as tolerably vicious for a

1:53:30young man. There is excellent authority for looking upon your business partner as not wholly without merit as a nuisance, but your friend's friend is as far ahead of these in all that constitutes a healthy disagreeableness as they themselves are in advance of the average reptile or the conventional pestilence. We do not propose to illustrate the great truth we have in hand by instances. The experience of the reader will furnish ample evidence in support of our proposition, and any narration of pertinent facts could only quicken into life. The dead ghosts of a thousand cheated annoyances to squeak and jibber, through ill-memory-studded thick with the tombstones of happy hours murdered by your friend's friend. Also the animal is too well-known to need a description. Imagine a thing in all the central particulars. The exact reverse of a desirable acquaintance, and you have his mental photograph. How your friend could ever admire so hopeless and

1:54:30un-interrable a bore is a problem you're ever seeking to solve. Perhaps you may be assisted in it by a previous solution of the kindred problem. How he could ever feel affection for yourself? Perhaps your friend's friend is equally exercised over that question. Perhaps from his point of view, you are your friend's friend. End of chapter 41 Chapter 42 of the Fiend's Delight by Ambrose Vears This Libravox recording is in the public domain. Recording by April 6-090 Tall Talk Let Diable A Tovoshes If it be that ridicule is the test of truth, as Shaft's Barry is reported to have said and didn't, the doctrine of woman's suffrage is the truest of all faiths. The amount of really good ridicule

1:55:30that has been expended upon this thing is appalling, and yet we are compelled to confess that to all appearance the cause has been thereby shorn of no material strength nor blood of its vitality. And shall it be admitted that this potent argument of little minds is as powerless as the doleards of all ages have steadfastly maintained for bidet heaven. The gimlet is as proper a gimlet as any in all Christian dumb, but the timbre is too hard to pierce. Branty, that the movement is waxing more wonders with each springing sun. Who shall say what it might not have been but for the sharp hatcheting of us wits among its bows. If the doctor have not cured his patient by tomorrow, he may at least claim that without the physical man would have died today. And pray who shall search the vitals of a whale with a bodkin, who may reach his jackknife through the super-posed blubber. Pecky-derm, by name is woman. All the kings horses and all the kings man,

1:56:34shall not bend the bow that can dispatch a cloth-yard, shaft through thy pearly hide. The male and female women who nightly howl their social and political grievances into the wide ear of the universe are as insensible to the prickings of ridicule as they are unconscious of logic. An intellectual galaia of gaa might spear them with an epigram, like unto a weaver's beam, and the sting thereof would be as but the nipping of a red ant, a polo might speed among them his silver arrows, which erst heaped the pygrion shores with headicomes of our gaives lane. And they would but complain of the mosquito's beak. Your female reformer goes smashing through society like a tipsy rhinoceros among the tulip beds. And all the torrent of brick-bracks rained upon her skin is shed, as globules of mercury might be supposed to run off the back of a dry drake. One of the rarest amusements in life is to go about with an icicle suspended by a

1:57:38stream, letting it down the necks of the unwary. The sudden shrug the quick frighten shutter, the yelp of apprehension are sources of a peered, because diabolical delight. But these women, you may practice your chilling joke upon one of them, and she will calmly wonder where you got your eyes, and will pin with deliberate fingers, an ungrammatical resolution, denouncing, conjulation, as tyrannical and obsolete. We despair of ever, dispelling these creatures by plunge in pleasantries, of routing them by sharp censure. They are, apparently, to go on practically unmolisted to the end. Meantime we are cast down with a mighty proneness along the dust, our shapely anatomy is clothed in a jaunty suit of sackcloth, liberally embellished with the fripperia of ashes. Our days are vocal with wailing, our nights melodious with snuffle. Brethren, let us pray that the political scepter may not pass from us into the jubiled hands,

1:58:39which were intended by nature for the clouding of babes and sucklings. End of chapter 42 Chapter 43 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers. This leaper-vox recording is in the public domain, recorded by April 6-090. Tall talk. Angels and angles. When abandoned to her own devices, the average female has a tendency to put on her things, and to contrive the same, in a manner that is not conducive to patients in the male, the holder. Her be setting inequity, in this particular, is a fondness for angles, and she is unwavering her determination to achieve them at what ever cost. Now, we vehemently affirm that in women's apparel, an angle is an offense to the male eye, and therefore a crime of no small magnitude. In the masculine garb, angles are

1:59:41tolerable. Angles of whatever acuteness, the masculine character and life are rigid and anguement, and the apparel should, or at least may, proclaims a man. But with the soft, grounded nature of woman, her bending flexibility of temper. Angles are absolutely incompatible. In her outward, seeming all should be easy and flowing, every folding nest of graces, and every line curved. By close attention to this great truth, and conscientious striving, after its advantages, women may hope to become rather comely of exterior, and to find considerable favor in the eyes of man. It is not impossible that, without any abatement of her present usefulness, she may come to be regarded as actually ornamental, and even attractive. If with her angles, she will also renounce some hundreds of other equally harassing absurdities of attire. She may consider her position assured,

2:00:44and her claim to masculine toleration were reasonably well grounded. End of chapter 43 Chapter 44 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers This leap of wax recording is in the public domain, recorded by April 690, talk-talk, a wingless insect. It would be profitable in the end if man would take a hint from his lack of wings, and settle down comfortably into the assurance that midair is not his appointed element. The confession is a humiliating one, but there is a temporary balm in the consciousness that his inability to shave with level wing, the blue epirene, cannot justly be charged upon himself. He has done his endeavor and done it nobly, but he'll break his precious neck. In Goldsmith's veracious history of animated nature,

2:01:46is a sprightly account of one Nicholas, who was called, if our memory be not at fault, the manfish, and who was endowed by his creator, the late Mr. Goldsmith aforesaid, with the power of conducting an active existence under the sea. That equally veracious and instructive work, the Arabian Knight's interchainments, peoples the bottom of old ocean with powerful nations, of similarly gifted persons. While in our own day, the man frog has taught us what may be done in this line when one has once got the knack of it. Some years since, we do not know if he has yet suffered martyrdom at the hand of the fiendish white. Their lived a noted Indian chief-dent whose name being translated signifies the man who walks under the ground, probably a lineal descendant of the gnomes. We have ourselves, walked under the ground in wine cellars. With these notable examples in mind, we are not prepared to assert that,

2:02:52though man has as a ruler neither the gills of a fish, nor the nose of a mole, he may not enjoy a drive at the bottom of the sea, or a morning ramble under the subsoil. But with the exception of Peter Wilkins' flying islanders, whose existence we vehemently dispute, and some similar creatures, whom it suits our purpose to ignore, there is no record of any person to whom the name of the man who flies over the hills may be justly applied. We make no account of the shallow device of Mongol flair, nor the dubious contrivance of a marriott, a gentleman of proper aspirations would scorn to employ either, as the man frog would reject a diving bell, or the subterrain chieftain would sneer at the mollicini tunnel. These weak inventions only emphasize our impotence to strive with the subtle element about and above. They prove nothing so conclusively,

2:03:54as that we can't fly. In fact, more strikingly proven by the constant thought of people tumbling out of them. To a titan of comprehensive ear, who could catch the noises of a world upon his tippetum, as hector caught, our guide Javallins, upon his shield, the pattern of dropping aeronauts would sound like the gentle pelting of hailstones upon a dusty highway, so thick and fast they fall. It is probable that man is no more eager to float free into space than the earth. If it would be sentinant, it is to shake him off. But it would appear that he, and it must, like the Siamese twins, consent to endure the disadvantages of a mutually disagreeable intimacy. We submit that it is hardly worth his while to continue larding the lean earth with his carkeys, in the vain endeavor to emulate angels, whom in no respect he at all resembles.

2:04:54Chapter 45 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers This Librebox recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6090. Talk Talk, pork on the hoof. The motto, O Czar O Nulie, is principally nonsense. We take it. If one may not be a man, one may, in most cases, be a hog, but equal satisfaction to his mind and heart. There is Thompson Washington Smith, for example. His name is not Thompson nor Washington nor yet to Smith. We call him so to conceal his real name, which is perhaps smite. Now Thompson, there is reason to be tried earnestly for some years to be a man. Alas, he began while he was a boy, and to God exhausted before he arrived at maturity. He could make no further effort and manhood is not

2:05:57acquired without a mighty struggle, nor maintained without an entire industry. So having fatigued himself before reaching the starting point. Thompson Washington did not re-enter the race for manhood, but contented his simple soul with achieving a modest swinehood. He became a hog of considerable talent and promise. Let it not be supposed that Thompson has anything in common with the typical ideal hog, him going for us his hide with clay and in humes, his muzzle in garbage. Far from it, he is a cleanly, almost a godly hog. Preeder naturally, fair of exterior, an eak fastidiousness of appetite. He is glassy of coat, stainless of shirt, immaculate trousers. He is shiny of beaver and effluent of boot, with all a hog. Watch him ten minutes under any circumstances and his face shall seem to lengthen in sharp and away.

2:07:01Split at the point and develop an unmistakable snout. A ridge of bristles will struggle for some light under the glass of his coat. This is your imagination, and that is about as far as it will take you. So long as Thompson Washington, actual, maintains a vertical attitude. Thompson Washington, unreal, will not assume in horizontal one. Your fancy cannot go the whole hog. It only remains to state explicitly to whom we are alluding. Well, there is a style in the soul of every one of us, in which abides a porker more or less objectionable. We don't all let him range at large, like Smith, but he will occasionally exalt his visage upon above the rails of even the most cleverly constructed pin. The best of us are they who spend most time repressing the beast by wrapping him upon the nose. In of chapter 45

2:08:05Chapter 46 of the Fiend's Delight by Ambrose Beers This leaf of ox recording is in the public domain, recorded by April 6-090. Talk talk. The young person, we are prepared not perhaps to prove, but to maintain. That civilization would be materially hidden and abetted by the offer of a liberal reward for the scalps of young persons with ears attached. Your regular young person is a living nuisance, whose every act is a provocation to exterminate her. We say her, not because physically considered, the YP is necessarily a fishy sex. More commonly, is it an iroclameable male, but morally and intellectually it is an unmixed female. Her virtues are merely milk and morality her intelligence is pure spiritual way. Her conversation to which not even her own virtues and intelligence aren't any way related is three parts rainwater that has stood too long

2:09:12and one part cider that has not stood long enough. A sickening Swedish compound, one dose of which induces in the mental stomach a colicic lomb, followed if no correctives be taken by violent wretching, coma and death. The young person vegetates best in the atmosphere of parlors and ballrooms. If she infested the fields and road sides like the squirrels, lizards and mudhands, she would be as ruthlessly exterminated as they. Every passing sportsman would fill her with duck-shot, and every strolling gentleman would step out of his way to smite off her head with his cane, as one decapitates a thistle. But in the drawing-room one lays off his destructive-ness with his hat and gloves, and the young person enjoys the same immunity that a sleepy mastiff grants to the worthless kitten, campaigning against his nose. But there is no good reason why the spider should be destroyed and the young person tolerated.

2:10:21Chapter 47 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers This leap of ox recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6, 090. Tautauk, a certain popular fallacy. The world makes few grave mistakes, then in supposing a man must necessarily possess all the cardinal virtues because he has a big dog and some dirty children. We know a butcher whose children are not merely dirty, they are fearfully and wonderfully beswerged by the hand of an artist. He has, in addition, a big dog with a tendency to drop sea, who flies at you across the street with such salarity that he outruns his bark by a full second, and your warned of your danger only after his teeth are buried in your leg. And yet the owner of these children and father of this dog is no bit better. To all appearance, then a baker who has clean brats and a mild poodle.

2:11:24If he is not even a good butcher, he hacks a rib in the lacerates a sirloin. He talks through his nose, which turns up to such an extent that the voice passes right over your head, and you have to get on a table to tell whether he is slandering his dead wife or swearing at yourself. If that man possessed a thousand young ones, exaltedly nasty, and dogs enough to make a subatlantic cable of German sausage, you would find it difficult to make us believe in him. In fact, we look upon the big dog test of morality as a venerable mistake, natural but erroneous, and we regard dirty children as indispensable in no other sense than that they are inevitable. End of chapter 47 Chapter 48 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers This leap of ox recording is in the public domain.

2:12:24Recording by April 6090, Tautauk, Pastoral Journalism There shall be joy in the household of the country editor. What time the rural mind shall no longer crave the unhealthy stimuli, afforded by fascinating accounts of corpulent beets, bloated pumpkins, drops of coal melons, aspiring maize, and percusious capitals. Then the bucolic journalist shall have Cersei Subtoil and may go out upon the meeds to frisk with kindred lambs, frolic familiarly, with loose jointed colts, and exchange grave gambling with solemn cows. Then shall the voice of the press no longer attuned to the praises of the vegetable kingdom find a more humble but not less useful, employment in calling the animal kingdom to the evening meal beneath the sanctum of window. To the overworked editor life, we'll have a fresh zest and a new significance. The hills shall hump more greenly upward to a

2:13:30bluer sky. The fields blush with a more tender sunshine. He will go forth at dawn with countless flip-flops of gymnastic joy, and when the white sun shall redden with the blood of dying day, and the hogs shall set up a fine evening hymn of supplication to the giver of swill. He will stand upon the editorial head, blissfully conscious, that his intellect is a ripening for the maro's work. The world newspaper, we sit with it in hand, running our fingers over the big staring letters, as over the black and white keys of a piano, drumming out of them a mild melody of perfect repose. With what delight do we disport us in the inimitable void of its nothingness, as who should swim in air? Here's nothing to startle nothing to wound. The very atmosphere saturated the spirit of the world press, and even our dog stands by,

2:14:31with pendant tail, slowly dropping the lids over his great eyes, and then jerking them suddenly up again, tries to look as if he were not sleepy in the least. A pleasant smell of plowed ground comes strong upon us. The tinkle of ghostly cowbells falls drowsily upon the air. Airy figures of phenomenal, escutants float dreamily before our half-shot eyes, and vanishing air perfect vision can catch them. About and above are the drone of bees, and the muffled thunder of milk strains shooting into the foaming pale. The gavill of distant east is faintly marked off by the bark of a distant dog. The city with its noises sinks away from our feet, as from one in a balloon, and our senses are steeped in country flanger. We slumber. God bless the man who first invented the country newspaper. Though Sancho pawns a blessed him once before.

2:15:31End of chapter 48 Chapter 49 of the fiends delight by Ambrose Beers. This leap-rebox recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6-090. Tall talk. Mendicitis mistake. Your famishing beggar is a fish of as sorry aspect as may readily be scared up. Generally speaking, he is repulsive as to hat, a warrant as to vesture, squalid of boot, and in two ensemble, unseemly and atrocious. His appeal for alms falls not more vexingly upon the ear than his offensive personality smites hard upon the eye. The touching effectiveness of his tail is ever neutralized by the uncombliness of his raiment, and the inartistic besperchiveness of his countenance. His bleeding is like the pathos of some moving ballad from the lips of a negro

2:16:36minstrel. Shut your eyes and it shall make you fumble in your pocket for your handkerchief, open them and you would fendr out a pistol instead. It is to be wished that poverty would guard his body in a clean skin, that adversity would cultivate a taste for spotless linen, and that beggar would address himself unto your pocket from beneath a downy hat. However, we cannot hope to immediately impress. These were the mendicants, with the advantage of devoting portion of their gains to the purchase of purple and fine linen. Instead of expending, they are all upon the pleasures of the table and riot just living, but our duty unto them remains. The very least that one can do for the offensive needy is to direct them to the nearest clothier, that, therefore, is the proper course. End of chapter 49

2:17:38Chapter 50 of the Fiends' Delight by Ambrose Beers This labor box recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6-090, Tall Talk in Sex. Everyone has observed a solitary aunt, resting a current of his fellows, as he retraces his steps to pack off something he has forgotten. At each meeting with the dainter, there is a mutual pause, and the two confront each other for a moment, reaching out to their delicate antenna, and making a critical examination of one another's person. This, the little creature repeats, with tireless persistence to the end of his journey, as with the aunt, so with the other insect. The sprightly female of our species, it is really delightful to watch the fine frenzy of her lovely eye, as she notes the approach of a woman more gorgeously arrayed than herself. Or the triumphant content that settles about her

2:18:38lips, act the advance of a poorly clad sister. How contemplatively she lingers upon each detail of a tire. With what keen penetration she takes in the general effect at a sweep, and this suggests the fearful thought, what would the darlings do if they wore no clothes? One half their pleasure in walking on the street would vanish like a drain, and an equal proportion of the philosophers happiness in watching them would perish in the barren prospect of an inartistic nudity. End of chapter 50 Chapter 51 of the Feen's Delight by Ambrose Beers This Librevox recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6090. Tall talk, picnicking considered a mistake. Why do people attend public picnics? We do not wish to be iterative,

2:19:41but why do they? Haven't helped them. It is because they know no better, and no one has had the ledger to enlighten them. Now your picnic gore is a moth, in a gregarious, gregarious moth, and a glutton. Moreover, a nobody who, if he be male, wears, in nine cases in ten, a red necktie and a linen duster to his heel. If she be female, hath soiled, hose to her calf, and in her face a premonition of colic to come. We hold it morally impossible to attend a picnic and come home pure in heart and undefiled ill, cuticle. For the dust will get in your nose, clog your ears, make clay in your mouth, and mortar in your eyes, and so stop up all the natural passages to the soul. Whereby the wickedness which that subtle organ doth constantly excrete is bulked of its issue. Tainting the entire system with a grievous taint. At picnics moreover is

2:20:43endangered in unpleasant perspiration, which the patient must perforce in gear, until he shall bathe him in a bath. It is not sweet to wreak, and your picnicer must wreak. Should he chance to break a leg or she a limb, the inevitable exposure of the pedal condition is alarming and eak humiliating. End of chapter 51 Chapter 52 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers This Libravox recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6090. Tall talk, Thanksgiving day Thereby those of us whose memories, the vexed with an oyster rake, would not yield matter for gratitude, and whose piety, though strained through a sieve, would leave no trace of an object upon which to lavish thanks. It is easy enough with a waste coat selected for the

2:21:46occasion to eat one's proportion of turkey, and hide away one's allowance of wine. And if this be returning thanks, why then gratitude is considerably easier and vastly more agreeable, than falling off a log, and may be acquired in one easy lesson without a master. But if more than this be required, if to be grateful means anything beyond being gluttonous, your true philosopher, he of the severe brow upon which logic has stamped its eternal impress, and from whose heart sentiment has been banished, along with other small vices, your true philosopher, say we, will think twice before he cricks the pregnant hinges of the knee, and humble observance of the day. For here is the nut of reason he is obliged to crack, before he can obtain the kernel of emotion proper to the day. Unless the blessings we enjoy our favors from the omnipotent, to be grateful is to be absurd.

2:22:48If they are then also the ills, with which we are afflicted, have the same origin. Grant this and you make an offset of the latter against the former. Or are driven either to the ridiculous position that we must be equally grateful for both evils and blessings, or the no less ridiculous one that all evils are blessings and disguise. But the truth is, my fine friend, your annual gratitude is a sorry sham, a cloak, my good fellow, to cover your unhandsome gluttony, and when by chance you do take to your knees, it is only that you prefer to digest your bird in that position. We understand your case accurately, and the hard sense we are poking at you is not a pre-treatment for your edification, but a bit of harmless fun for our own diversion. Or look you! There is really a subtle but potent relation between the gratitude of the spirit and the stuffing of the flesh. We have ever taught the identity of soul and stomach.

2:23:51These are but different names for one object considered under differing aspects. Thankfully we believe to be a kind of ether, evolved by the action of the gastric fluid, upon rich meats. Like all gases it ascends, and so passes out of the esophagus in prayer and solmity. This beautiful theory we have tested by convincing it experimented in the manner following. Experiment first. A quantity of grass was placed in a large bladder, and a gill of the gastric fluid of a sheep introduced. In ten minutes the neck of the platter emitted a contented bleat. Experiment two. A pound of beef was substituted for the grass, and the fluid of a dog for that of the sheep. The result was a cheerful bark accompanied by an agitation of the bottom of the bladder, as if it were attempting to wag an imaginary tail. Experiment three. The bladder was charged with a handful of chopped turkey, and an ounce of

2:24:56human gastric juice obtained from the coroner. At first nothing but a deep sigh of satisfaction escaped from the neck of the platter. Followed by an unmistakable grunt, similar to that of a hog. Upon increasing the proportion of turkey and confining the gas, the bladder was very much distended, appearing to suffer great uneasiness. The restriction being removed. The neck distinctly articulated the words praise God from whom all blessings flow. Against such a demonstration as this any mere theological theorizing is of no avail. End of chapter 52 Chapter 53 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers. This leap of ox recording is in the public domain. Recording by April 6-090. Tall talk, flogging.

2:25:59It may justly be demanded of the assayist that he shall give some small thought to the question of corporal punishment by means of the cat and ground ash. We have given the subject the most elaborate attention. We have written page after page upon it. Day and night we have toiled and perspired over that distressing problem. Through summer sun and winter snow. With all unfaltering purpose we have strong miles of ink upon acres of paper, weaving wisdom into eloquence with the tireless industry of a silkworm fashioning his cocoon. We have refused food, scorned, sleet, and endured thirst. To see our work grow beneath our cunning hand. The more we wrote the wiser we became. The opinions of one day were rejected the next. The blind surmising of yesterday ripened into the full knowledge of today, and this matured into the superhuman omniscience of this evening. We have finally got so infernally clever that we have abandoned the original

2:27:02design of our great work, and determined to make it a compendium of everything that is accurately known up to date and the bearing of this upon-flogging in general. To other and inferior writers it is most fortunate that our design has taken so wide a scope. These can go on with their perennial wrangle over the petty question of penal and educational flagellation, while we grapple with the higher problem and unfold the broader philosophy of an universal walloping. End of Chapter 53 Chapter 54 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers This Librevox recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6-090. Tall talk, reflections upon the beneficent influence of the press. Reflection 1. The beneficent influence of the press is most talked about by the press.

2:28:08Reflection 2. If the press were less evenly divided upon all social, political, and moral questions, the influence of its beneficence would be greater than it is. Reflection 3. The beneficence of its influence would be more marked. Reflection 4. If the press were more wise and righteous than it is, it might escape the reproach of being more foolish and wicked than it should be. Reflection 5. The foregoing reflection is not an identical proposition. Reflection 6. A. The beneficent influence of the press cannot be purchased for money. B. It can if you have enough money. End of Chapter 54 Chapter 55 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers This Librevox recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6-090. Tall talk, charity.

2:29:16Charity is certain to bring a three-word, if judiciously bestowed. The Anglo-Saxons are the most charitable race in the world, and the most judicious. The right hand should never know of the charity that the left hand given. There is, however, no objection to putting it in the papers. Charity is usually represented with a babe in her arms, going to place it benevolently upon a rich man's doorstep. End of Chapter 55 Chapter 56 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers This Librevox recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6-090. Tall talk, the study of human nature. Chapter 55 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers To the close student of human nature, new place offers such a manifold detractions, such possibilities of deep insight, such a mind of suggestion, such a prodigility of illustration,

2:30:19as a peak pin at feeding time. It has been said, with allusion to this philosophical pursuit, that there is no place like home. But it will be seen that this is, but another form of the same assertion, end of the essay upon the study of human nature. End of Chapter 56 Chapter 57 of the Fiends Delight by Ambrose Beers This Librevox recording is in the public domain, recording by April 6-090. Tall talk, additional talk, done in the country. One, life in the country may be compared to the aimless drifting of a house dug, professing to busy himself about Elon. He goes nosing about, tacking and turning, here and there, with the most intense apparent earnestness, and finally seizes a blade of grass by the middle. Choose it savagely, drops it, gags comically, and curls away to sleep,

2:31:23as if worn out with some mighty exercise. Whatever pursuit you may engage in in the country, is sure to end in nausea, which you are quite assured to try to get recognized as fatigue. Two, a windmill keeps its fans going about, they do not stop long in one position. A man should be like the fans of a windmill. He should go about a good deal, and not stop long in the country. Three, a great deal has been written and said and sung in praise of green trees, and yet there are comparatively few green trees that are good to eat. Asparagus is probably the best of them. Those celery is by no means to be despised. Both may be obtained in any good market in the city. Four, a cow in walking does not, as is popularly supposed, pick up all her feet at once, but only one of them at a time, which one depends upon circumstances. The cow is

2:32:25but an indifferent pedestrian, hook fabula doce, that one should not keep three-fourths of his capital, lying idle. Five, the quail is a very timorous bird, who never achieves anything notable, yet he has a crest. The J, who is of a warlike and powerful family, has no crest. There is a moral in this which aristocracy will do well to ponder, but the quail is very good to eat, and the J is not. The quail is entitled to a crest. In the eastern states, this meditation will provoke dispute. For there the J has a crest and the quail has not. The eastern states are exceptional and inferior. Six, the destruction of rubbish with fire makes a very great smoke. In this particular, a battle resembles the destruction of rubbish. There would be a close resemblance even if a battle evolved no smoke. Rubbish, by the way, is not good eating, but an essayist should not be a

2:33:31gourmet in the country. Seven, sweet milk should be taken only in the middle of the night. If taken during the date, it forms a curd in the stomach and breeds a dire distress. In the middle of the night, the stomach is supposed to be innocent of whiskey, and it is the whiskey that curdles the milk. Should you be sleeping nicely, I would not advise you to come out of that condition to drink sweet milk. Eight, in the country the atmosphere is of unequal density, and in passing through the denser portions your silkat will be ruffled, and the country people will cheer at it. They will cheer at it anyhow. When going into the country, you should leave your silkat at a bank, taking a certificate of deposit. Nine, the sheep choose too fast to enjoy his visual. End of chapter 57, Indofenze Delight by Ambrose Beers