Featuring A Drunk Vicar And A Naughty Duck

0:00Hello T-Depils, it's Touchtime! Welcome to the River Eagle Podcast with me, River Eagle! I'm really eagle skinned. And I cannot profess this to be a short podcast because I have already recorded a little bit of the podcast. I went into the kitchen to record a dishwashing episode. The fans have been asking for it. Where I was telling the story of my odd interview with a newspaper, Yorkshire-based newspaper, and I told that story and there wasn't even that many dishes to do really. And so more so it was me pacing around. Anyway, I told the story, I then stopped the recording and it said, when I looked back at it, that I had recorded for two hours. So I don't think that's going to be out in its entirety. I'm going to have to try and trim that down to a, I mean, really half an hour. What? That seems quite a long time for me talking. So we'll see what we're going to do, but we can sandwich that between the Facebook group chat and all of that.

1:00Yep. Any of the little stuff that's going on and then presumably we end things with Olivia. We've also got a few more of the mechanical musical things to do. Oh, of course. So this is Fairground organ, but someone has programmed it rather than playing the usual old, fashion music that they would play at the Fairground to modern pop songs. And we're going through those and we're seeing if we can guess what the songs are. So a lot to go on might also throw in a couple of technological regressions, masquerading as technological progression. Are we doing the Pumbata picnic today? Oh, we could do, yeah. Okay. We did, we did, um, we teased that. I wrote a poem. I mean, there's lots of things that we've promised that we haven't fulfilled. So we should probably get in touch with Kev Kelly, aka MC Techno T from the Northeast 90s happy hardcore scene, but unfortunately he's not responded since the thing. I think the problem though, Ellie, is that you messaged him on Facebook and you said for him to email me. Yeah. So the trouble is you put the ball in his cause.

2:01He's got to do some admin for an interview. Well, I don't think he's read it either. Oh, okay. So we're talking members in terms of the members, the members Facebook groups are drumroll. We had reached member 60 of the David Eagle podcast at Facebook group. Listeners of the David Eagle podcast, have we advanced on 60 and 60 of course with Sue? Let's get our members up, dudes. 63. Oh my goodness. Excellent. Okay. Let's see if I screen-shotted people's applications to join. Yes, so we have an application process where we ask you simply what's your favourite part of the podcast? We've just listened to the castrada episode. So I think the Queen of the Night did it for me. We've listened to some earlier ones, but I had to stop listening while driving as John couldn't concentrate on the road because he was laughing so much. That's from Penny. Excellent. And she was worried that she was going to have an accident. And the last thing we want is the penny to drop off a cliff or something due to John's driving. Well, yes, I was attempting to do the castrada impression based on the video that Ellie

3:07played me about the only recorded voice of the castrada. Goodness knows what our neighbour Romulus thinks. Is that her real name? We're not saying, but we're just using that to protect our identity. She sent you a message on Sunday. I still haven't met Romulus, which is quite odd. I've been here. We've now lived here. This is a year. A year since we moved into this house and I still haven't met my neighbour Romulus. Much of the first time I meet her, I call her Romulus. Just to really confuse things. It's not by design or anything. It's just weirdly Ellie's met her lulls at times. Ellie's got a number. Mum's met her. Your mum, my parents. My parents. But it just never happens. Our paths have just never crossed. I mean, she did. Which is ridiculous because they do cross. She did. They do. She did what you looking for the eclipse, but she didn't want to disturb you because she thought it'd freak you out if she mentioned that she was stood behind your evidence, Moe. I thought I sensed someone behind me. So I was just looking at the sky to see if I could tell. If the sky was getting darker or anything like that, but she probably didn't know it.

4:12It was also about two hours. You told me the wrong time that the eclipse was going to happen. Yeah. So it was about two hours before it was going to happen. So as far as she's aware, it was just me. The first time she ever saw me, it was just standing at the sky. Staring at the sky. And I think as well, I then became a bit conscious that maybe there was someone behind me, but I couldn't tell. So then I eventually moved my eyes down to the plants and then just pretended to be very busy just looking at plants. But I think what I was actually doing. And also she didn't know that you've got a little bit of sight, so that would have been even more confusing. Well, I do it down, but I think while I was looking at wasn't really, there was no real proper plants there. It was just like a cluster of release. So I don't know what she thought. Anyway, I will meet her at some point, but on Sunday. On Sunday. So this is after my, I did a gig in Hillsborough Park. Very good it was. Thank you, Annie. And so that's about, well, as you know, I walked through Hillsborough Park many a time to the podcast. Well, we'll come back to doing that in future weeks as well as easy and with the dish washing. And we'll get on to the walk in next week.

5:14And it's always nice when people after a gig say how much they've enjoyed it. But even if they really mean it, even if they really mean it, sometimes you go, well, yeah, but you're there and they're going to say that I was given, I think, the best compliments and the best proof that two people who are at the gig really enjoyed it. Would you like to read the message out? I'm on the tram sat across. This is from Romulus. I'm on the tram sat across from two women who are talking about David and how brilliant he was and how funny she said he's very clever with his words. I'm assuming it's about him anyway, because an accordion in the park keeps being mentioned. Oh, it's got to be David. They're discussing what age he lost his sight and they love him. He's got a little fan club on the tram. So the reason that is such a good convent is because they're discussing it, firstly, after the gig, as in like a day after the gig. And they're also not at the gig. So the fact that they're discussing about it, and also I'm not there. So this is much better than somebody going, you know, that was a good gig, David.

6:15So that's much better. You know, that's the perfect compliment there. Well, we also got a message from Catherine who is in the group as well, saying what a fabulous gig it was and that her son had laughed so hard. He wore himself out and had to go home early. He was dancing around the kitchen to some of the songs. That does sound like a veiled compliment. I mean, it got early. That's the reason we went off. But we'll just say the son laughed too much. No, I think that's a good compliment. That's it. Leaving the gig early. No, no, he didn't leave the gig early. They just didn't stay for the whole singing session afterwards. Okay, well, I mean, anyone who doesn't know the... Okay. Anyone who doesn't know how the gig works. That does sound very much so afterwards, because it's a four club, they do a singing session afterwards. So they didn't stay for that is what it means. Because that didn't sound like a bit of a veiled compliment. Okay, I saw it. They enjoyed the gig so much. Oh, well, five minutes is enough for me. And I five went. Yeah. I couldn't compliment him, what was so good. And I think I have mentioned this on the podcast before. But the weird thing is, if I video a gig in the interval,

7:15the video's still running. Yeah. It's weird. Sometimes you can hear the... They don't know the... The mic's on. Yeah. And you can hear people announcing the... I thought... The thoughts I want to think of the gig, which is quite odd. And I remember hearing one at the end of the gig and there were just two people talking. And she says, Oh, it's incredible, isn't it? How do you remember all of that stuff? And I was really giving myself up for a proper compliment, but my memory isn't what I want to be complimented on. So anyway, lovely gig. As proven by the two people on the tram, but have those two people on the tram, wouldn't it be brilliant if they are podcast listeners? Yeah. And wouldn't that be brilliant if they are? Because now they're going, My goodness, our conversation has been relayed back to us by the David Eagle podcast, by a neighbour, next door neighbour, the way I've yet to meet. Well, I did welcome Dylan, who was officially listening number 60. That's my impression, of course, of Dylan Thomas. Yes, lovely.

8:16Ah, subvert, did your expectations, everybody. Margaret has said, I see that I should identify myself as Margaret, not David's mum from beyond the grave. M-N-D-M-F-B-T-G needs work. LAUGHTER So she's... She's then later on in your Kastrati videos, based on this demo, I have a project suggestion for David, a one-man production of Magic Flute. He's got both Distrati and Greed the night. Oh, he's still being on Margaret's? Right, goodness. Not all that I get. Don't contact yourself in that as death. I bet his Papa Gino, I've probably said the wrong, would bring the house down, signed Margaret, not David's mum. Well, no, because Margaret, who is my mum, would all know all about me, Papa. No. Oh, hey, I'm not Dylan. M-N-D-M-F-G. OK, so other things that I put in the group chat, that we need to acknowledge that Claire has done some important detective work. As David's given his website a new look, I've been listening via YouTube.

9:16I caught a snippet of the first breaking episode. Why would you change... Why'd you been listening on YouTube because I've changed the website? Well, I don't know, but the... There's two things don't seem to correlate there. Well, there's not reason why you can't still listen to the podcast on the website. Well, maybe at the time, because it was maybe when she clicked on you, we're actively refreshing it and the links weren't working. But I would have taken a few seconds. And also, it would have been quite the coincidence. But the main thing is... Yeah, I'm just a bit confused. Claire, you can... It should all be working. It's all fine. You all need to do... I think the difference is that the player doesn't show up on the front thing. There's like a read more thing and you just click on that and then it expands. But the main point, she caught a snippet of the first brain king episode. And there's a quote that says, Marisa is a boy aged 10. Ah! Yes! Oh, yes! Yes. I mean, I think you've picked a weird name for a boy. Well, remember Claire. Thank you for going back and listening. Oh, your nurse. Olivia has posted, are there any Star Trek fans in the group

10:16because there's some amazing news? Oh. It's been announced to boldly do La Crusade sent its new Star Trek cooking collection into space. Captain Cook? It's quite work-on-eangly because there is a Captain Cook. And it's Captain Kirk. I know. Yes. I know a Captain Kirk. Well, Captain Kirk and Captain Cook will work with La Crusade. The trouble is, obviously, by the fact that there's already a Captain Cook. Yes. So you can get a range of Star Trek themed La Crusade now. Olivia's Limerick, one second place in the local show at the weekend. Competition was high. What's the show? It's just a local sort of parish show. The first line had to be my aunt found a packet of seeds. Oh, shall I give it a go? Do you want to have a go? No, I'm not prepared any day. No, I haven't. My aunt found a packet of seeds. It says it supplies all that you need. No. Ah, yeah, it supplies all that you need. The only spanner is it gives you bad grammar.

11:18Which is why this locals weird when you reads. Lovely. Don't tell me it's exactly what Olivia's on. I have a little rhyme reads. I said neat, we had seeds. Seeds. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry. Would you like to give it a go? No. Olivia says my aunt found a packet of seeds but spilled them among some pond reads. Up jump to frog, kiss my aunt on the gobb and turn into a prince wearing tweeds. That's good, Olivia, but I'm think the problem is now, Olivia. You've earned mine, you say. I think the trouble is now, Olivia's got a bloody old David. Did you have to do that if you served me? Okay, okay. Okay, what came first then? Did she tell us? She does. Olivia. You'd like to hear Steve's attempt first. Oh, one Steve, that's Eric. Steve did my aunt found a packet of seeds.

12:19In the best Jamaican accent, here we go. My aunt found a packet of seeds. She thought there were some kind of beads. Despite being feckless, she fashioned a necklace and sold it to someone from Leeds. Yeah? Not bad Steve. I've been in trouble, he's peaked with mine, you say. Obviously. The number one entry from Olivia's friend Helen was my aunt found a packet of seeds. Ah ha, just what I need to fix me bold patch. Now she sports a fine thatch of Buttercup's daisies and weeds. Yeah, it's pretty good. I like the corny thing with just what I need. I think that's really good. Yeah. But I felt like I needed a big punchline at the end. I think I've done a very good job there. I think I was a throttler. Well yours was on the spot as well. Yeah, last year's Delinor like that. Delinor like that, because he's a big fan of him revised comedy, actually Bob Dylan. And if you don't believe me, look at the lyrics.

13:21Give a little look up now to the lyrics to blowing in the wind. Just read those out, you can see his improvised comedy tendencies. And he was deciding whether he should get into improvised comedy or whether he should do serious songs. And you can see in that song blowing in the wind, how many roads Mr. Mann walked down before he can call him a man. Yes, and how many seas Mr. White dove sailed before she sleeps in the sand? Yes, and how many times Mr. Cannonball's fly before they're forever banned? See, you got to say it's always yes and yes and. And then it was going to be the answer my friend is and he had some really absurd ones like I have ferrity in Tricle whilst bouncing on a trampoline. And then he thought I'm not sure this improvised comedy is working. So he just went for blowing in the wind. Would you like to hear last year's? I like the bloody hell. We're really not going to come back. I don't know, I've got the people on the tram. So tell me I'm funny, because at least just like, hey, you know what that's?

14:22Right. Well, bloody hell. We've got the group stuff to get through. We've got a couple of times. Okay. Just a way you've done two hours of washing up for bowls. Last year's also came second and it was, oh, I live here. First line had to be, are Vika wants drunk too much wine? Okay. Are Vika wants drunk too much wine? His sermon was quite out of line. His attempted parable was quite frankly intolerable. Sovereins. It's close enough. And he really didn't need to introduce live swine. I mean parable intolerable. It's very stretching in a little. There you go.

15:22Vika wants drunk too much wine and he thought he'd be utterly fine. But he stumbled and fell had first down a well and his wife had to call 999. No, but I've done it again, Olivia. I really do. I've just started with the olds. But it's very good, Olivia. But it's now in Helen. Get first place again. We don't have information. Oh, Olivia, what's going on here? You've not done due diligence, Claire. Get honest. You're a detective, or what was first place? Last year. I did ask if anyone was quicker than you to guess the mechanical mystery songs. Olivia got Sweet Child of Mine straight away. I think I did. But there's an added fab. I have not said it straight away, but I was quite, yeah. I don't know why I'm doing a trump here. I think if I had gone first, Olivia, I'm better with Limerick's than you. No one's better with Limerick. No one's good with Limerick's. I am. Steve said he did get all the mechanical music pretty much the same time as you did spookily. But when you were singing the songs, he thought you sounded like Tommy Steele. He's then said because we're younger than him.

16:24We might not know who's Tommy Steele. I know Tommy Steele. Of course we do. He did it. He did half a six pints. Not Dizzy. Who did Dizzy? Dizzy. Other than the Wonders stuff. Yeah. And so Dizzy, my head is spinning. Tommy Row. No. Wrong Tommy. Wrong Tommy. Would you like some more mechanical songs? Let's do one now. And then we'll head to this thing that I've recorded. I've hopefully managed to edit it down. And then we'll get on with the emails after that. Oh, so we're going to do a technological progression. Let's do mechanical. Let's do three mechanicals because I've got loads. Go on then. OK. Oh. Good. Is it David Boy? Let's dance. Yes. I mean that. Let's dance. But on your dance in shoes and dance the blues away.

17:26Whatever it is. OK. OK. Next up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, in the mood. Glenn Miller. Yes. Doodle-iddy. I don't know why he's called that. Doodle-iddy. Doodle-iddy. Doodle-iddy. I don't know why he's called. Doodle-iddy. What's he called? The Greatest Scab. Of course. OK. And then you said three. I know, but I want, I'm giving you a bonus. Oh, yeah, this one says he's done math. Vindolu. Yes. Technological progression. No. Technological progression. MascDD Tierning is technological progression. Technological regression. MascDD Tierning is technological progression. Sing it with me! Sing it with me. Sing it with me. Sing it with me. Technological regression. MascDD Tierning is technological progression. Technological regression. MascDD Tierning is technological progression. Man, I'm sorry, dude. I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that.

18:27So this is about miscellaneous noises. You have experienced this and I've experienced it. Yes. And I gave you my old AirPods, Apple Eiffons. When I gave them, they started doing this weird thing where they would just make a weird noise now and again. They did like a... Yeah. And then it seemed to be... When you moved them, they would sort of do it. Yes. Now if you moved, if you touched them, they would do it. And sometimes, well, they're over there. But sometimes if I just walked past them and airbrushes them, they go, ooh, let's see if mine worked now. Okay. They went to it now, well, they... Okay. You opened it? Yeah. So you met Walkhamis. They're not doing it now, and they know. They opened them. I've dropped them, no? No. Nothing. But we don't know. Most of the time it just goes, but we don't know why they do it because there's no all that indicated that there's anything wrong. Now, and I didn't know if it was doing it because it was saying to me, like, some of taking your earphones,

19:28but I wouldn't know it's not me. Let's take in the earphones. And also, I've told my phone to forget it because you used to get notifications saying that these aren't your earphones. Yeah. And so now I get notifications. That's what it shows they are. Then I got notifications, tell me where they were, which is crazy. Because it's like, someone's using your earphones, David. Find out their location here. And it was like, she sat next to you on the sofa. Essentially, obviously didn't say that. But it was exactly where my earphones are. Like, you know, I understand that. It's probably my wife. I mean, that's surely, period of my life, you're on for you. Yeah. You could, it must be a wave. There should be something built in that goes away. It's probably, if he bought the phone for his wife, his wife in the same room as he is, it is probably, we don't need to walk for a reactor here, but for some reason it did. But that didn't seem to have any kind of correlation with the blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, sort of sound that it was making. Anyway, the other weird thing about it is that the earphones can tell you if it needs charging. Yeah. And it does that by telling you on the phone. Yeah. So the earphones, because it's blue tooth,

20:29it can communicate with the device. It clearly can communicate what the problem is. If indeed there is a problem, but it doesn't do that. If you go into the thing, it doesn't say, oh, you might have wondered why I was going, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, it before. It's because of this. It doesn't tell you. It just goes, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, and there's no seemingly rhyme or reason for why it does this. I don't understand that. Anyway, mine never did it. And mine never did it when I had them, when I owned them. And they started doing it about a month or so after I gave them to you. But mine never do, because I've got some newer ones. Mine have never done it. So I thought, what's going on with LZ and Ys? And of course we could look it up. Maybe we should look it up in a second. Well, I did look it up and they said there was a setting you could turn off, but you can't. But what? Does it say the reason for it though? No, it just said how to turn it off. You can't. So it doesn't say what it is still. So it's just like if you, I don't know what the point is. If you're, anyway, mine had never done it. Until two days ago. And now all of a sudden it started doing it. I don't know if it's like after a certain length of time that you owned them.

21:30If it correlates, like if you've had them for a year, then your case will start going, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, I don't know what to do. Remember me anniversary? Yeah, past it, yeah, I forgot. But it still doesn't say why it does it. And it doesn't come up with a notification on the phone. And also when you Google it, why do my earphones go as much as it depends how you spell it, but why do my earphones make a random noise when I touch them? Like I'm gonna pick mine up now. Let's see if it does it. So I pick them up, nothing, open them, nothing. So I don't know what the noise means because he's not doing it now. A case can make a noise when moved because of an anti-tracking security feature or status charms. Anti-tracking? Yeah, that doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense. Anti-tracking. I have absolutely no idea. But you'd have thought it's got the potential to give, why are you making random noises to me when you can literally tell me what you want to tell me on the phone? The phone's there. I've got the phone. Fraction notification upon the screen. Tell me what the problem is. Don't just make this miscellaneous noise that I have no idea.

22:30So anyway, we have no idea what it's doing. So anyone has any idea? Why are, I don't even really do it now. Oh, okay, so it's on one website. They think that it chirps when separated from its paired iPhone for a long time or when a Bluetooth is turned off. So it works like an air tag to say that it's moving. So somebody might be making it. Why do I need those? Because Bluetooth is on. Yeah, I don't know. I do, and the trouble is the fact that people have to guess. Yeah. What's the bully point in that? I think that would make sense if you could program the sound. But the trouble is a lot of people have these devices. Yeah. So if you start, and you're the other day and I was like, oh, it's mine. So if you're on a bus and all of a sudden, someone's getting off the bus and their earphones start going, you're all right, you're bastard. Hey, you're suddenly, what are you bloody doing? You've got my earphones on here. Oh, the noise. Hey, oh, sorry, my earphones. First of all, man, are you all right? No, I didn't hear what happened there. He's absolutely madness. Anyway, and then the other thing is, the washing machine in the kitchen,

23:31the right to put mentioned where the washing machine is. They're a crazy man, I think a bunch of washing machines. Well, some people have them in the bathroom. Some people have them in the basement. Americans have them in a separate utility room quite often. They think it's really odd to have them in the kitchen. So for some people, as Bob Dylan will know, mix up the medicine in the basement, or those washing the clothes in the basement. The washing machine will beep, like just, but seemingly no real reason. I'm not sure why it beeps, because it beeps to let you know that it's finishing its cycle. It's finishing its cycle, but you can't open the door. No, not for the door. You can't open the door for another 10 minutes or so. Yeah. But you're not allowed to open the door. It's still doing something. So why, I suppose you could argue, it's beeping so you can start to get ready. You can get the basket ready or you can get whatever. But it just seems like such an odd thing, because it doesn't just go, and then off, it'll go, it'll beep for like a minute. Yeah. And then you go, okay, washing is done. Then you pull it, no, no, you can't pull the door. And then you think, okay, well, I'll wander away after we're,

24:33and then it won't beep, but then it'll beep again. And then you say, no, you're going to open the door now. But I don't. What's the point in the first beep? It seems like 10 minutes, it seems like an arbitrary figure. Like how long do people need, how much warning do people need? And also, could it not just be like when it's done? Yeah. And then presumably the basket's there ready to be done. How many people need 10 minutes preparation time? And before they have to unlock the washing machine, those getting livid. Bone, oh, well, now you tell me. Well, I'd love to take the washing out, but I've got 10 minutes to clear the claws, awesome. Claudio, anyway, there you go. You did it. Right. Are we going to the kitchen now? Yeah. So we're going to the kitchen, hopefully I've managed to edit this down, and this isn't going to be too hours. It's just a pot of tea. Oh, dear, it's likely concerned. And then we'll come back with the emails. So who do we have email-wise? We've got Clair Steve and Olivia. Wonderful. And also, potentially your poem. We'll do all of that after this.

25:34Oh, for many listeners, there'll be, oh, we're going to tear to their eyes as they get a pang of nostalgia there. They'll know that sound all too well. It's been many a month since you heard it. It is, of course, the sound of the kitchen door. It's a dish washing special. It's a dish washing special. OK. Now, if you're a new listener, I used to. Certainly, at the start of this series, and have done for others, done a recording while watching the dishes. A regular listener is a bit listening out, wondering whether there's going to be some kitchen sink drama, which often does happen where I will douse myself in water because a pan will fall into the water unexpectedly, or sometimes even something will fall on the floor. That's, of course, as well. Because of these dish washing episodes that started the whole discussion about La Cruzé, which has now become a staple part of the David Eagle podcast, Lexicon, you know,

26:34the conversation topic that keeps on giving. So we owe a lot to the dish washing episodes. I say that. I've known any of the sink. I've been pacing around, but I will get to the sink. That's the other bit of drama. He said he's going to be at the sink. We haven't known any cups of our culinary. What the hell's he doing? I'm just pacing around with the moment, build in a bit of tension. I know what you want. And I've realy doing with the promise of dish washing, and I've not given it to you yet. Well, we've had quite a lot of pans dropping on the podcast. For the benefit of the subtitles, that was pans dropping. And this one I make sure they get that right. Otherwise, the algorithm's going to go here, why are? And people are be listening for all sorts of different reasons. But there were a few moments of pans dropping and then me exclaiming so much so that I thought, I'd start every single time it happened on the podcast. I would clip it out, and I'd put it in a special folder called podcast exclamations. And it's generally me either swearing, or often just saying, oh my goodness, as pans and things clatter around me. But because we've not done a dish washing episode

27:35for quite a while, I haven't really amassed any more of those in the last few weeks. So this is a potential. And by the way, when I do the dishes normally, I don't normally drop things. It's only when I'm podcasting, because obviously my brain's a bit distracted. Well, I'm focusing on the pros. Oh, that's got some people excited again. Oh, yeah, bugger. Oh, there you go. Haven't done one for a while, and there it is. And that was calls. You wouldn't have heard anything. You know, everything of what the bloody hell is that, baby? So I've got one of those spatula things, no, spatula, what they called? What they called? It's not second-tares. What they call? What they call? Where you, the pincer things. Where you got the, it's got like a, oh, bloody old one, it's again. It's the things where you can grab like a pincer-like movement, and it's got a bit on here where you can, so you get a hole that tongs. Is that what they call tongs? They all have got people excited again. I said tongs. So people get very excited. Oh, pancer drops, tongs.

28:38Oh. And what happened was, I got the tongs out, and then just as I was about to put it away in the holder, which holds spatulas and spladels, and all sorts of stuff, in order to get the tongs to expand fully. You have to push in, but the act of me putting it away, pushed it in, and all of a sudden, it suddenly expanded and sort of hit me in the face, just as I was about to try and put it away. So I'm there, and it suddenly just popped out, and the tongs hit me in the face. So there you go, we've not done this for months, and I haven't even started washing the dishes yet. The moment I'm just putting things away, it's already an exclamation, bit of drama. Okay, and I haven't even told you that what I was planning on telling you about, which is the newspaper article. So I was telling you, I did a weird interview for a newspaper article in Yorkshire. I mean, I would say I won't mention the name of the newspaper, but I mean, you could probably do your own research and find it. Do your own research, was something that this particular journalist didn't really do. Er, it was quite strange.

29:41You would have thought he's gonna interview me, that he might have, it would take nothing to have the most cursory of looks on my website. Just Google my name, but he clearly hadn't done anything. Now in fairness to me, he had seen me at a gig. Many years ago, but he messaged me about two years ago, saying, oh yeah, I saw you at a gig, and I absolutely loved it. And I know you're gigging it wherever it was. Could I get some tickets to come and say the gig? And then I'll do an interview with you afterwards. So I sold it out, so that's absolutely fine. And he was gone brilliant. I'll see you afterwards, we'll do the interview. I'll be there. And he wasn't there. I don't know what happened. Two years later, he messages me and says, hi David, I'm wondering if I could do an interview with you. We didn't manage to make it happen last time. There was no explanation. What if we didn't manage to make it happen? I gave you the tickets. You said you were gonna be there. So this time you wanted an interview over the phone. So I said that would be fine, and we agreed a date. So anyway, he calls. When you're gonna get to that sink, David, we're gonna still hear you pissing around.

30:42And we're all in not misleaves now, as we speak. Oh bloody hell, again, it never happens. I had a plate in my hands. The final thing I needed to put away, I had a plate in my hands, and I was just lifting it up to put it away, and I banged the plate against the tap. It doesn't bother me. And also, this is probably people thinking, okay, he's blind. He just starts quite a few little accidents, he's a special awareness, isn't very good. I have no problem, normally. I'm not banging plates on taps. But for some reason, when I do the podcast, that always happens. Maybe it's a bit of professionalism. I know what the people want. They want a bit of drama. And I just can't help it. Me, my body's just deliberately doing it. Anyway, the final plate has been put away. And now, it's time. So, it calls me up. And his first question was, have you been blind all your life? And if not, how did you lose your sight? Oh, bloody hell. I'm not doing this deliberately. That never happens. I put the washing liquid back where it belongs,

31:44which, yes, which in spend, this is a bit of a precarious place. It's kind of sandwiched in between all the bits and places. It's not that more stable of places, but normally it just sandwiches itself absolutely fine. This time, it fell. So, here's to me, how I lost my sight. So, I say to him that I had cancer when I was six months old. The cancer cells damaged the optic nerve and I became blind as a result. Yeah, try to make, I try to bring a little bit of comedy into it. And I was saying, I don't really remember much, obviously. And I've done a little joke now and again about, what would I have seen at six months old? What I would have seen is certainly not what I'd want is my only memory of sight, you know, to be my mother's bare breasts and dirty nappies. I don't want that as my only memory of sight. And that's all I can see on replay, because our brain just goes, well, that's all we've got. So, I tried to make that as a little joke, but that might be quite nice. You know, you've got the seriousness there of getting the cancer and but then there's a bit of a joke in there bearing a minor in my comedion. I should probably try and have something a little light-hearted rather than it just be anyway interrupted me

32:45and went, hang on a minute. Which is a stretch, didn't I say? He says, I wish I'd recorded this. So I could remember it in full. I couldn't probably play it, but at least I could do the transcript. Because the transcript will be funnier because it was a weird interview. Anyway, he says, I got a minute. He says, I think you mean to slow down. He says, I think you've missed something very important out. He says, I think you've missed out an important bit. I said, what? He says, you haven't explained how you lost your sight. He just said, you could see. And then he said, you couldn't see. I know for a fact that I mentioned the cancer. Like, I mentioned the cancer. Then I said the cancer cells damaged the optic nerve. I said, the cancer damaged the optic nerve. So I mentioned cancer twice. I said, well, it was the cancer. He said, ah. He says, there we go. He says, you missed that out. He says, you, he says, you had cancer. I said, yes, yes, I had cancer. I just say, it's an important thing to mention. I said, yes, it is important. That's why I mentioned it the first time. I mean, hackles raised a little bit. If you're wondering why there's been no crashes

33:47or bangs and exclamations, it's because I once again wandered away from the sink and started pacing around. I didn't want to be kind of like, churlish about it and say, I bloody well did mention it. But I thought the way he was talking is if I was an idiot. I don't know how he missed it. I don't know if he was like trying to take notes as he was writing it. So he heard, I could see for six months, he was writing that and then he missed. I had cancer in our six months old and then the cancer cells damaged the optic nerve. I don't know if he somehow managed to miss that. So I said, well, yeah, yeah, it was the cancer. So I had cancer when I was like, see what, he didn't stop me and he went, so let me just get this straight. You had cancer. I don't know why he stopped me again. Like I would understand it the first time. I thought maybe the signal went in fairness. Maybe the signal broke up or something like that. You might have thought that he would have noticed if the signal had gone, he said, I do apologise, I missed a bit there. I missed how he lost his sight because the signal went a bit funny. You'd have thought he'd be able to tell that the signal had gone. That this surely would be all to your giveaways. Rather than just assuming the night missed you now,

34:47which I got 100% did not do. So I was slightly concerned now because I thought, he's not even gonna get any of the jokes. If I'm like making it, trying to put little jokes in here, he's not gonna understand them because he can't understand the basic thing I had cancer. I mean, he's asked me, even when I said I had cancer, he'd said, oh, you missed that bit out. And then even when I then said I had cancer, he said, I on, let me just get this straight. You had cancer. And I was still on the thing, well, I don't know much about this newspaper. I thought, is he, maybe he's a volunteer? You know, maybe he's got some kind of, I was starting to think, I honestly thought the way he was talking in terms of like he's lack of comprehension. I thought maybe it's like a community thing. You know, I don't wanna be kind of glib about it, but like maybe he's got some kind of like, learning disability or there's something there or, I don't know, there's some reason why his comprehension skills aren't the best. So I thought, yeah, okay, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. So then I didn't really know how to play the interview because I'm like, well, I've got to be, I've clearly got to keep things simple. I've got to keep things simple because he's struggling to understand when I say something and I need to say it slowly

35:47and I need to make sure he understands it. So I said, yes, I had cancer when I was six months old and it damaged the optic nerve. And then a lot of my sight has resulted at that. But obviously I was just saying before that I don't remember having sight. He's one of the questions that people ask me ridiculously. People will say, do you remember being able to see? And I thought like, again, that's maybe taking it in a funny direction that someone would ask me. And people do, they genuinely ask, or can you remember being able to see? I was nine months. So I thought maybe he could like work that in. Anyway, I thought we could move on from the cancer. But no, he says, hang on, he says, you're moving. You're moving ahead here, he says, I wanna take you back. I want my moving ahead. Like, I'm nine months old. I don't know what more we can do on this. I mean, how long is the article? We're gonna spend all this time dwelling on the cancer. And I thought, well, there's not really anything to say about the cancer. He said, what type of cancer was it? And I was thinking, this guy is struggle to understand when I said I had cancer, he missed that completely.

36:48I then said I had cancer again. He then said, what, you had cancer? I'm worried about the lack of comprehension of this guy. Now he wants the medical name of the cancer. Why? Why your readers want to know the medical name of the cancer also they can look up the cancer. Like, why are we dwelling on the cancer? They, it's been to be an article about the comedian. Like he said, he wanted to talk about my comedy. And we're so far, every single time I try to move away from the cancer. And now you're asking for the name. So I told him the name of the cancer. So it's a neuroblastorma. And he says, right, he says, describe that to me. Describe the type of cancer. I said, to be honest, I haven't really like looked into it. I haven't really, you know, like gone into details or I, you know, I know what it did. And he stopped me. He said, I'm, he says, I'm struggling here. He says, you're telling me you had cancer. And you can't tell me what it is. You can't tell me what it does. I've all understand that we've turned the tables here. You were struggling to understand the very concept of cancer a second ago, because you were, what are you? I cancer. And now you want the details.

37:50And then you're having to go at me because I can't give you a scientific explanation. I said, well, I know what it, I know what it did to me. He said, well, ah, he says we're getting somewhere. I said, well, you know what it did to me as well. He says, I don't know your story. I said, well, you know them, I'm blind. He said, yes. And I said, well, I told you that the cancer damaged the optic nerve. He said, let me just stop you. I want to go that written down. He says the cancer damaged your optical nerve. My optic nerve, yes. It says your optical nerve. Now, he said it again. I mean, I might be wrong here. I haven't researched. Maybe the proper name for the optic nerve is the optical nerve. I've never heard anyone call it the optical nerve before. Maybe he was going, oh, yeah, the optic nerve is you call it? You're thicker. Well, I think you've actually got the optical nerve. I've never heard anyone call it the optical nerve. And this is what annoyed me because he was having a go at me because I don't know things. And then when I try to explain, well, it damages my optic nerve, which I'd already explained before. He then said, right, I'll stop here. Let me write this down. It damaged your optical nerve.

38:51And then when I corrected him, he still went, yeah, your optical nerve. So I just quickly went, yeah, optic nerve, yeah, that's right. The trouble is, he'll probably be in the article now, which incidentally I haven't read. And I haven't read it because at the end of the interview, which incidentally went on for an hour. This is only the first two or three minutes. He sent me a message a few days later. And he said, oh, the article's going out tomorrow, David. He says, my boss didn't tell me at the time, but it is to read it, you'll have to pay one pound. It's behind a paywall. Sign up, it'll cost you a pound, and then you can, that's a monthly fee. It'll automatically subscribe, but you can just cancel. And I thought, I'm not paying for to read an article. I mean, like, I was curious because I'm like, this article was so, the interview was so shambolic at time. That I thought, I liked to kind of read what it was like. I'm not paying because all I'm authentically paying for is I thought this was not a particularly good interview when I didn't really think he was understanding what was going on. And he's thinking of his line of question, which you're about to find out more,

39:51didn't really make much sense. It stopped me and we had places, just I thought we were getting somewhere. It suddenly stopped me. And then we changed subject, or something else would happen. The only reason I'd want to read it is because it was so bad. But then if I've never had to pay to read an article of mine before about me, we want to reason I'd be paying money to him into his newspaper is because it was such a terrible interview that wanted to read what it was like. So I'd almost be rewarding him. Maybe that's their policy. It's like, if we do a really good interview, they won't be that bothered and unreadin' it because they're like, well, that went well, I'm sure that'll be fine. If we do a really terrible interview, they'll be so curious to find out what it was. And they'll probably put it on the podcast as well, for other people to do. That's how we make our money. We make our money for being really shoddy. So maybe it's a clever plug. So the boss is listening in the background. And maybe he's it, you know, they got not, we need to sit on you, we'll sit on you. That's another thing, making it really difficult for you to concentrate on what's been said. And I'm gonna sit on you because we want this interview to be really weird. So we've got to get you in an odd state. Sit in on you.

40:52Okay, well, you obviously heard him mention cancer. Yeah, yeah, I did, yeah, pretend you didn't. Stop him, tell him he hasn't explained. How he lost his sight. Sound surprised and tell him that you, oh, no, you tell me you had cancer. He didn't mention it before. And when he verifies that he had cancer the next time, sound surprised again and say, what, you had cancer? Ha, ha, ha. Oh, don't a disappoint you, everybody. I think that's the end of the dishes. There's nothing more to do. There wasn't really much. Sound done. If this journalist is listening and he was interviewing me, maybe you're really confused now, if you're going, what? You've been doing the dishes. Oh, you should have said. Anyways, I thought right, we're gonna move on. From the cancer, I thought he said, right. Keep talking to me about the cancer. Ha, ha, ha. I thought I've got to give him something, and I thought, well, this is quite interesting. I said, so I remembered the thing that we'd read a couple of weeks ago on the podcast when Elliot discovered the article about me in the Hartley-Pull Mail, about me being given a 50-50 chance of living. So, so well, when they discovered this is why I had, they gave me a 50-50 chance of survival.

41:54Now, in fairness, maybe I could have been more specific, but I think if I said they gave me a 50-50 chance of survival immediately, you know what I mean when I said they, he stopped me and said, sorry, I was gonna stop you. He just explained this. He said, when you said they, who do you mean? I said, but the doctors, I was struggling to get the incredulity out of my voice because I could not believe. I don't know, am I being ridiculous here? Is that a normal question? What do you mean? They're, oh, my parents. They're not my parents, so we're gonna give me a 50-50 chance. They're not taking a bet. Hey, can we get some odds on this? Oh, we're gonna put a place about on our son living. You know, then, other way, if we win, if he survives, brilliant, if he dies, we get a bit of money. Who else is giving me a 50-50 chance of survival? It's clearly the doctors. It's clearly the medical staff. Who else is it gonna be? He said, oh, he just didn't explain that. I thought I didn't think I had to. He says, right. He says, we're getting somewhere. I thought, are we? We're not really, are we? It was still on the cancer. And then he, and then I can't believe it.

42:54I thought we were gonna move on. He said, and what did the base that on? What did the base it on? On medical science, on general statistics for who lives and who dies by having that cancer in the past, we're over 10 minutes now. And all we've talked about is the cancer. I'm gonna remind you I didn't know how long the interview was gonna be. I didn't know it was gonna detain me for an hour. I wanna talk about school now. He says, you know, a lot of comedians, they were bullied at school. I wanna know if you were bullied at school. So anyway, I started telling him the story about it which I've told on here, I think, I quite liked being bullied actually. It was kind of like training almost. It was gonna give me my first test for comedy. Cause they would come at me with their words. And they were never any very clever or anything like that. So they come at me with these, that's annoying words and stuff. And the jokes essentially, you can't see me. You can't see me. That's essentially, I'm gonna fingers away, I'll not admit. Hey, hey, hey, can't see me. Can you hear me? You know, so I said, it didn't really take much to kind of develop some material based on the kids

43:54and that kind of thing. He says, oh, give me some. Give me some of your comebacks. I said, it's quite difficult really to be honest. He said, oh, come on, come on. Let's have some of your, give me some of your, I can write down. I said, the trouble is, I said, I don't really know. Cause it was like, I don't know, like someone might fancy someone in the school, but she wasn't interested in him and clearly wasn't interested in him. And so when the bully was having a go at you, you knew that his weak spot was that particular girl. And so you would make jokes about him not standing a chance or whatever and you would just, you'd use that as your theme. We've some comedy around it. He said, all right, so give me, give me an example. We're getting somewhere, give me an example. I said, it's so far removed from who I am now as an adult that I can't remember, but I just had an ability to go, okay, that person is having a go at me essentially for being blind, but they're clearly in secure about something themselves and I had a good knack of working out what that person's insecurity was and going, well, how can I capitalize on it and turn it around? You know, I think I was very good at finding their chink in their armor and so when the bully would come at me,

44:56I'd come at them with a joke and everybody else around them would know why I was referring to they kind of either knew about that chink in their armor or I brought attention to the chink in their armor and everyone went, ah, he's got a chink in his armor and they were a bit able to all laugh at it and then that brought him down. So I don't know what he's written, but I know that he's written something about it because the headline of the article is, I'm a Yorkshire comedian and I loved being bullied at school which I think is a weird headline. Like, the love being bullied a bit at school maybe is, it makes sense, that's absolutely fine, there's nothing wrong with that, but I just think it's an odd statement, is it if I said it, is I put it in quotation marks, I'm a Yorkshire comedian and I loved being bullied at school. Now, why wouldn't you say Yorkshire comedian tells us how he loved being bullied at school Yorkshire comedian, Yorkshire blind comedian even if you wanna have your buzzword, Yorkshire, because actually surely the blind thing, if you're talking about being bullied, you wanna lean into that Yorkshire blind comedian

45:57says that he owes his, you could say that he owes his comedy career to the bullies at his school or something like that, like that surely a lot more interesting. I started to try and I thought right, he wants like a little example of something. So I tell you what was ridiculous and I told him the story, I told on the podcast about how at school we'd have these Braille machines, these big chunks of metal. We'd have to carry them from less than to less than, and we'd carry them down the corridor. It was like giving the blind people a weapon. We either deliberately or inadvertently hit people with the Brailleers, you know, these massive chunks of metal. I try to tell him this and I say, you know, so a bully would come up and try and say something, and I think they forgot the fact that I had a big chunk of metal and I could just accidentally just move my handle a little, whack him in the kneecaps and move on, and they couldn't do anything about it. So I was trying to talk about the ridiculousness of sending all these blind people down the corridor with massive bits of metal. And I was trying to talk about this. I got about 10 seconds in and he stopped me, he went, okay, I get that, I get that, right. And we moved on. He had this habit, it was this weird catch phrase of going,

46:57I get that, I get that. I was in like, I'm not interested. I don't know, like it was why we moving on from this. I don't know if you're worried about time, why do you insist on drilling down into something in infinitesimal detail? And then when I try and tell you a story, you stop me and go, I get that, let's move on. Pfft, I don't understand. And then he said, right, give me a Yorkshire joke. And I said, what? He said, give me one of your Yorkshire jokes. And I said, I don't really know, if I have any Yorkshire jokes, he says, he says, come on, you're a Yorkshire comedian, you're living Yorkshire, you haven't got any Yorkshire jokes. And maybe you're going, yeah, it's a reasonable point David. How can you not have any Yorkshire jokes? I don't know what a Yorkshire joke would be, I mean, apart from like, there's stereotypes about Yorkshire people being tight with money, I mean, am I gonna go down that route? But I've got jokes that reference Yorkshire people and I've got like plays on words with Yorkshire things. But it's all like embedded neatly into routines and stories. Like it's not something that you can just take out of context

47:58and it makes sense. He says, well, he says, you know, I'm surprised. He says, he's clearly just a point, he says, I'm surprised, he says, you know, this is a Yorkshire newspaper. I mean, if you're in a Yorkshire comedian and you don't have a Yorkshire joke, I just felt really bad. I'm like, maybe that is my fault, maybe. And I do have jokes about chef, like I have jokes about stuff that's happened in Sheffield. So I do talk about where I live, but again, it's all stories. And the trouble is, I didn't, what this point want to start telling them a story about something that happened in Hills Repark or anything like that because I thought it doesn't seem to be very good at stories. Like I try and give you something and you're in a room, I didn't want to be interrupted again halfway through. Yeah, I get that, I get that. Because sure enough, it happened again. I once he'd resigned himself to the fact that I wasn't going to do a Yorkshire joke. And he really sounded like I'd gone down in his estimation at this point. Maybe I should have just said, I'll tell you a Yorkshire joke, my friend, you. You ought to put a Yorkshire joke. This is ridiculous. There you go. There's an example of how I'll come back in a bully because you really haven't got me there. So he says, well, I remember when I saw you,

48:59he says, I thought you were very funny then. He said, he could hear the subtext, oh, you know, this is living a lot of your desire. I want to apologise, but your line of questioning was, you know, 15 minutes on cancer. And you're disappointed now, because I'm not being funny enough. He says, I thought you were funny about then, and you make a lot of jokes at your own expense. A lot of zingers at your own expense. He says, give us one of those, about your blindness and stuff. He said, give us one of those. So I was thinking, what can I do with it, a little work? It's like a sure fire winner that'll work in a quick thing. So I said, oh, well, I suppose. When I first started doing comedy, I wasn't planning on talking about the blindness. But I soon realized that if I didn't talk about the blindness during gigs, did Google to find out whether I was blind? And then obviously, I was going on a little bit that I've done before where I say, and I know that people Google, because I know the most popular Google searches for my name. Obviously, many of you'll know the joke. That's really so many times. The most popular Google searches for my name, a David Eagle blind, David Eagle disability, or a personal favourite, just what's wrong with David Eagle?

49:59So I tried and tested Jolt, and I've done many a time as a kind of a way of saying, I will talk about blindness. Here's why. So I started to do this, and honestly, I didn't take too long to do it. I said, so I know I need to talk about the blindness, because if I don't talk about the blindness at the gig, people will Google. So yeah, yeah, I get that, I get that. He says, by the way, I'm asking, I'm asking for a joke. I'm giving you one, he says, no, no, you're explaining to me. Why are you talking about the blindness? I just want a joke. Like, something I can put in the thing, and a joke that you're on expense. Just a zinger. I said, I literally was seconds away from giving you something. He said, oh, get going, give me it. I talk about the blindness on stage, because he says, no, no, no, no, he says, he stopped it. He says, I'm, you know, he says, I'm not asking why, I want to just, what I'm looking for is when I saw you, he says, I remember you had some zingers that you're on expense, talking about, you know, like your blindness. You're taking the piss out yourself, they're in blind. He says, I just want that. I said, let me just say what I'm going to say. I said, it'll take me 10 seconds, and you'll understand that this is a joke. It will have been a joke that I would have done

51:01when you saw me. I said, it's a joke that even in the toughest environments, it'll get a laugh. And it's a joke at my own expense, and then he says, ah, yes, that's what I'm looking for. I'm glad we got there. I'm glad we got there. Give me that. I said, we haven't got there. I said, it's exactly the same thing that I was saying before. It just requires you to not speak for 10 seconds. Then he asked me how I got into the stand up comedy. I said it was a byproduct of the fact that I'm a folk singer. I said in the bits in between the songs, you know, you start telling stories. They would get longer. He said, he stopped me. He said, no, no, no, no, I think you misunderstood my question. He says, I'm not asking about your music. I'm asking about comedy. He says, I want to know how you got into stand up comedy. I said, I'm interested in. I said, yeah, I was answering. I said, I was explaining. He said, not you, you were talking about the music. I said, yeah, yeah. I started by saying it was a byproduct of the music. It was, but he essentially interrupted me. Okay, talk to those about your first gig. A little bit later on, he said to me, right, what's the name of your fortband? So he clearly done no research,

52:02and I just, he doesn't have to research everything fully, but he clearly had no idea about anything, and he hadn't done any research. I mean, proof of this. He then said, right, do you ever feel people laugh at you? Not because you're funny, but because you've got a disability. So they're laughing out of charity. You know, they're not laughing because you're funny. I thought we should have a buddy Braille machine, a client of you in the knees, my friend. I get it with a little Perkins Braille to give you the ones over. A lot of people will say that about that, well, who is she? What's her name? That comedian. I mean, why say a comedian? Who says comedian? Female comedians, just a comedian. Who says comedian? He says what she called. He said, oh yes, Rosie Jones. He said, you're obviously avert of Rosie Jones. A lot of people say she's not funny, and that people are laughing at her just because of sympathy, and that the only reason she's got where she has is because of charity. He says, personally, I don't think she's very funny.

53:04I don't think she's funny at all. He says, so do you ever think that about yourself? What I thought was really odd about the question was, all you have to do is go on my website, read any article about me, pretty much near the top, there'll be some reference probably to the fact that I've done Rosie Jones as a TV show. Just doing the scantist bit of research would show that I've been on her show. So he didn't even frame the question was in like, oh, I see you've done the Rosie Jones TV show. Now one thing that's often leveled at Rosie Jones is that that would have been like an interesting way, maybe a frame in the question. And that's a trouble with this as well. He clearly hadn't done any research because he didn't ask about radio for, or anything like that. It won't point you asked me, what's special about a Yorkshire audience? And I was thinking, oh God, I mean, there's not really anything special about what Yorkshire audience, let's say, like I like a Yorkshire audience, but I played to some lovely Yorkshire audience, and I played to some shit Yorkshire audiences. Like I've done brilliant gigs in Yorkshire and I've done horrible gigs in Yorkshire. So I don't really know. I mean, yeah, I suppose you can do general stereotypes

54:04of like, oh Yorkshire people are down to earth, you know, they say as you find, I don't know, I just not into lazy stereotypes, even if like the stereotype holds some water. And I don't know, I don't think, I don't feel like there is a certain Yorkshire audience, but I did say, I do enjoy Yorkshire audience, I said, like, you know, I've had loads of great experiences in Yorkshire, loads of great experience in Sheffield. You know, I chose to do my BBC Radio 4 show and record that in Sheffield. And I thought he might lean into that because he clearly knew nothing about the Radio 4 show. No questions about Radio 4, no questions about the Radio show, no questions about the awards that I won't get in the fringe show, no questions about going to Edinburgh and doing comedy there for the first time. Like he doesn't have to talk about these things, but there's just so much you could just read and go, okay, let's talk about that. Now in fairness, maybe the article was absolutely brilliant, but I'm certainly not paying to find out. Oh, then he had the audacity afterwards. Before he left, he said, well, he said, I seem to remember that you, when I saw you, you made some jokes at your own expense,

55:05you have some real funny zingers at your own expense about being blind. But maybe I was wrong. Well, maybe I was wrong. He clearly was disappointed without the interview when. So anyway afterwards, I emailed him. My introduction was, how many Yorkshire men does it take to change a light bulb? And then I put a few dots and said, no, sorry, still haven't got a Yorkshire joke for you. Just in case it helps, he's a link to the biogpage on my website. Oh, at one point he also asked me, he said, oh, give me a famous name. He said, you must have met some famous comedians doing this. Give me a famous name. And I felt it reluctant to do it because I thought, I just didn't trust in his hands that he was going to do anything good with this. Come on, give me a name. Give me a name. So I said, well, I suppose I've sort of become good friends with Miles Job, brilliant. Well, I have that. And I sort of my heart sank a little bit because I'm like, oh, how is this going to be worded? Very strange. I would say that I'm slightly concerned that he'd be listening, but, look, yeah, he couldn't even do the research before he was on an interview with me.

56:05I'd clearly had no idea what I was or anything. I don't think there's any chance of him listening to this. And let's be honest, I'm speaking a bit too fast for him. You have to put it on slow speed. Let me just slow this down. Tum, toum, toum, toum. You're back with Ellie and I in the living room, sitting room or lounge. Let's not let that come between us. Sitting room. We'll get to the email soon, but Ellie, you discovered a poem that I had written as a child. Published Thursday, the 24th of August, 1995. I was just turned 10. 31 years ago. Okay, so this is just, this is after the story of the Bruning King. So expectations are high now. Where's he going to turn his attention to next? There's a lot of pressure on me. Pick Nick in the countryside. There once was a duck who was very rude because he was greedy and ate lots of food. We set out the food, but we couldn't eat because that greedy duck was on our seat. We rushed in a bush and sat on a log and then came along a st-burned dog.

57:05The dog gave a bark and out of hands flew a sandwich, some crisps, a chocolate biscuit or two. The remarkable dog jumped up on all fours with a sandwich held between his paws. He ran through the pond and chased the duck. We followed behind for a closer look. We returned to the car and drove to the pub. Dad said, let's go and have some grub. We came to a halt and just our look, the pub was called the Dog and Duck. Whoa! There he goes. There's a robber down the noses in it. There he goes. I think you have to say. I mean, that puts something in that liver. Next year, see a parish, yeah, festival. Whoa. What's interesting is that beneath it in this screenshot is another message from one of the club children called Jodie. And we're just going to read it and you tell me if you think that Jodie wrote it. Fancy dress competition. On Saturday, I went to the Borough Hall at the headland for the baby in toddler competition. I entered the fancy dress section.

58:05This year is the last time I can enter because next year I'll be too old. I was very happy because I came first. I've come first for the last three years running. My prize was a rosette and a framed portrait of me and my costume. My mommy makes my outfits. She's very clever. That's weird. So that's like what people do with their dogs. Yes. They pretend they're... But it's so it's a baby in toddler competition. So she's not writing it. Mommy's probably writing it. It's only it's mommy writing it. Mommy is very clever. Three years. Live in vicariously through your child there. Three years in a row. My goodness. I bet you as well. That's like a big thing in their house. Yes. It's like militant precision. The child is told out of the air. So I'll do you. You leave the words to me. I'm your agent and your manager. Everything comes through me. Any legal advice. All comes through me. Your job to just wear your costume. Look pretty. Don't say anything. They've had your clever, mommy.

59:05All right. That's crazy. Wonder if I really like that poem. I think it's really good. It turns out I've proven not only was I'm a brilliant poet now, as we've just seen, but also it was there. That's a year ago. OK, it's time for the emails. Emails. Right. So we start with Claire. Last week's podcast was a nice addition to the usual madness and touch that is served weekly. Laugh the emojis. David, I listen every week. Often more than once. I just don't always have something to say. Well, that's absolutely fine. Claire. That's fine. I didn't think you'd gone away when I said Claire's back. I just played. Claire's back here. We know you listen more than once. And that has led to some wonderful detective work. With regards to your score on celebrity skin color, I got it to 5.5, the half being to the Kardashian and including Dolly. The Kastratto voice was interesting. Yet when both the man and David went very high, I found it very painful to listen to. My hearing loss is mid-range sounds.

1:00:06I can hear you both. And when Ellie gets a look in, when you're speaking, singing normally, I find bass sounds very soothing, but high-pitched noise is quite painful. Very much Claire. Take care, please. Keep up the good work, all the best Claire two kisses. Steve says. Thank you very much, Claire. Morning, David and Ellie. Sorry for the lack of emails recently. It's been a bit busy round here. I really must get to focus. I can't believe it. I'm not aware. I'm provided a diagram. Steve, you like to brag. I can't believe I've never been considering how close we live to the venue. Maybe it's because I get my young and fixed at the singing weekends. And let's face it, who else is worth making the effort to go and see Winke Emoji laughy smiley emoji? I spotted another phrase I never thought I'd hear, which this time was pass the trout around, which trickled me. Ha ha ha. That make a good t-shirt, wouldn't it, pass the trout around? It could choose people. Yeah, I don't know if I won that as I'm rich. I might put some vegans off. That's true. As a man, the Holkestrati section was quite uncomfortable listening, but I was impressed with David's vocal range.

1:01:06It did bring to mind an old choir master of ours who helped with our workplace choir years ago. He was a counter-tenor, and although that's quite different to Kastrati, it's equally perplexing to hear the voice and then see the face that it's coming out of, especially when the face has a full beard. Here's a link to one of his recordings if you want to have a listen. Very nice, Dave. So that is Robert Cross. And then he's put his limb-ric in the male just in case we didn't see him. But he did say he's very pleased with it, considering it's the first limb-ric he's written since he sent one to Blue Peter in 1969. Oh, what's that one, Steve? Yeah, can you remember? He's also called the group T-Deppers, as you did.

1:02:11Maybe that's what it is now. And he says, right, that's me done. All the best, OG Steve. You're now going to do Olivia and the style of Bob Dylan. Olivia. Olivia. Olivia. Olivia. Olivia. Olivia. It's going to be... It's going to be weird when we finally meet her, isn't it? No. Hi, David and Ellie. Love the podcast this week. It's always really lovely to listen to live gigs, as we enjoy coming along to them when we can, but it's nice to feel part of them, even if we weren't there in person. Oh, can I interrupt Olivia's email? I've just suddenly had a thought. I don't know if she talks about this, but I didn't think of it. I don't know why I view Olivia. It's like, I kind of got all Olivia, won't be. Won't be happy with me there. So there's a bit in the podcast where someone starts... From the audience starts talking. He asks Emily a question about royalties. And then he goes to answer another question and then I make a joke about, oh, it didn't... We didn't introduce you, it didn't remind me.

1:03:12And then he continues to go. Now, it might have sounded on the recording, like I shut him down a bit. He's like, oh, it's still going. It's still going. But what I took out was, I did say, oh, it's all right, my friend. You are allowed to. So I was quite nice to him. And then afterwards, at the end, we got him up and he sang a song with us. And then we had a lovely chat with him afterwards, and he's family. And they were real hardcore young and his fans. So I just wanted to point that out, because I think when I edited it, which I just sort of did for moving things along, I, because I had done that, and I suddenly worried about released it that I maybe came across as a bit of a bastard. And the only reason I thought this is, because I was chatting to somebody, I got a phone call from someone there, from R&I Be Radio, asking me if I would be on something in tracks of my years. What bloody thing? Oh, he's doing it. So he's doing it. So what happened there, Ellie? So that's... It was in my lap. That's Ellie's... And I just breathed. So Ellie's not moved. She's not done anything. The air pods have just been there, and it's just started beeping.

1:04:13Why? What's it trying to tell you? Meanwhile, nothing on a foreign screen. No, R&I Be Radio. So I got a call from someone from R&I Be Radio, and he wants me to do their feature tracks of my years. It's all going to be mechanical music. That's all I'm going to give. I've played a lot of that. And he said, hey, I've been doing a bit of research. He said, I listen to you as podcast. He said, oh, that's quite funny. Quite funny. Thank you very much. Hey, I have to say, though. I really did enjoy when you gave that heckler a good going over. You put him in his place. Very funny. Very good, he said. So I suddenly thought, oh, do I come across? He obviously liked it, but I thought, oh, I come across as a bit of a bastard. And I thought, I don't know why I've got you, Olivia, as like a barometer of this, but I kind of have you there, touching and going. That wasn't very nice. Maybe because you know, been a Christian lady. I thought, oh, she's not going to be happy with me there. So unless you make reference to that, but I just want to explain Olivia. About being burgled. Thankfully, I've never been, touch wood, but our best man was burgled a few years ago, whilst on holiday. About being burgled.

1:05:13Sam talked about, oh, he's called. He's called. He's called. Yeah, yeah. Luckily, they didn't manage to get the car, as his keys were in a drawer upstairs with a play pen pushed against it. So although they trashed the place, they didn't think to move the play pen and check the drawer. He said it was very scary watching the video back of the house camera and seeing someone else in there. I really feel for anyone who's had this happen to them. Did you mention if they caught him? No, that's all there is. The weird burgling story. Stealing story was a great story of someone who was recording their gig. Yeah. Anyway, they had their stuff stolen. They had some instruments stolen from the van. There's no evidence of anyone taking them. Anyway, they listened back to the gig recording. Yeah. And at the end, as they were packing up the van, there are some lads in the pub who just saw happen to be right next to the recorder. Yeah. They were saying, right, give it two minutes. They'll get a drink and then we will go for the stuff in the van and we'll do it.

1:06:13And so they were discussing how they were going to do it and they were like, okay, Terry, you've got it there. Yeah, Jason, I've got it. I've got it. So they were able to work out who it was. Wow. And they were able to go, I know those voices. And they were able to catch them. Wow. Because they essentially thought they got away with the perfect crime. And they'd essentially just told everybody their names. And they just announced it into a recorder. And that's before that. That was like in the 80s or something. Oh, wow. So that's like before CCTV. It was just not your recorder. And everybody could record everything. Yeah. Yeah. Kastrauto singing. This was really interesting and great that there's a recording in existence. I've heard it before and I think it sounds quite haunting. I'm pretty certain that unless David does something to really, really annoyingly to the point of divorce, he can't actually do authentic Kastrauto singing. So surely it's full setto in your case. Either way, I really enjoyed your rendition of Queen of the Night and very much enjoyed the videos. I was chatting to a chap who works in the music department at Stowe School and he sings bass. However, he was telling me that apparently basses can sing

1:07:14higher parts much more easily than tennis can. So you may often find a bass singing and alto part. I find this fascinating and wonder what David's true vocal range is. Oh, well, let's give it a go. Oh, here we go. Sorry, Claire. You might want to turn off. For a bit. Well, just once I get started to get higher. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Now, we're clashing that as a note. What note would you class it as? That's a low G. Okay. Okay. Very low G. Oh, this is one octave. Yeah. Two octaves. Yeah. Three octaves. Four octaves. So I maybe give myself a knee. Yeah. Give myself a... Oh, there's a ward. So that's what four and a half octaves there. Why not a bit over? Bit over and four and a half. There you go, Olivia.

1:08:15Do you want that, says? I've just Googled the world record for the widest vocal range. And it's held by a guy called Tim Storff. Yeah. Yeah. He Googled the world record for the widest vocal range. And it's held by a guy called Tim Storff, who has a range of 10 octaves. What? He can go from a G G sharp minus five to a G G sharp five. So he also holds the current world record for the lowest male voice. Apparently, his voice is so low, the lowest note is an audible to a humilial. Yeah. So how would you... Which begs the question, does it even count if you can't hear it? We've got this YouTube link if you want to hear what he sounds like. Yeah, because you can only hear from 20 hertz. So how is anyone...

1:09:21God to always know you say you are safe. Oh, God. And from Castanets to Castor Rati, it was great to hear David singing the Olivia theme music. And I was very pleased with it. Thank you best wishes Olivia Kiscus. I know. Well, we're going to end of course with one final. Oh, yes. Mechanical, mystery, and musical. I've got to make it a good one, now you can find. Oh, what is it? Two days, gonna be the day that you're gonna throw it back to you. Yeah. And now I should have some real life, or you're gonna do. I don't believe it anybody. Feels like we're gonna do about you now.

1:10:24There you go. We should be back next week. Thank you very much for listening. If you would like to leave a positive review of the podcast, you can do that of course by Spotify, has the reviewing facility Apple Podcasts, has the reviewing facility. So just... You can on YouTube. You can do it on YouTube, Claire. Or if you're on a tram, just talk about the podcast and maybe a neighbor. Well over here is a report back to me. Thank you very much. Until next week, for me, never do you go. It's me, Ellie. Good dinner. Goodbye.