Elizabeth Shaw: The Secret Behaviors of Narcissists

One parent refuses to submit financial information so a child can apply for college aid. The court explains that the child is the one who loses. The parent does not care. Both Lisa and this episode's guest have watched that exact thing happen in their own families, on two different continents, and it is a good illustration of what withheld information is actually for.

Elizabeth Shaw is a narcissistic abuse recovery coach in the United Kingdom who works with people untangling relationships with narcissistic partners, parents, and adult children. She is known for short, plain explanations of covert behavior on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube, the kind of post that gets sent around because someone finally recognized their own household in it. This is her second appearance on the show.

Elizabeth starts with dry begging, the indirect ask that leaves you paying for something you were never asked to buy, and then moves through the rest of the pattern: withholding small and harmless information for the sense of importance it buys, refusing to explain lateness, building a no-win loop where questioning the story makes you the problem, and isolating you through triangulation until your own judgment feels unreliable. She is clear that there is no personality type that invites this. Boundaries are still the answer, but some people read a boundary as a challenge.

The second half turns to the communal type: the one who volunteers at the charity or the church, gets the praise, goes home and complains about the people being helped, and accumulates defenders who will not hear a word against them. Elizabeth explains why trying to expose that person tends to backfire, and what leaving does instead. She and Lisa close on narcissistic parenting, from weaponized incompetence before a job interview to a parent who carries their child's trophy around as if it were their own.

As always, this is strategic education, not legal or mental-health advice for your specific situation.

🎓 What you'll learn

• What dry begging is, and why you end up paying for something you were never asked to buy
• Why no personality type invites narcissistic abuse, and what a boundary really does
• The difference between someone who is private and someone who withholds to feel important
• How the no-win loop gets built: ask and you're controlling, don't ask and it's your fault
• How triangulation separates you from the people who spotted the behavior first
• The communal narcissist: charity and volunteer work as a steady supply of admiration
• Why exposing that person backfires, and what happens when you leave instead
• Sabotage in practice: weaponized incompetence and withheld financial information

⏱️ Chapters
0:00 Intro
1:00 Reconnecting, and the account that started Lisa's light-bulb moment
3:00 Dry begging: the ask they never actually make
5:00 Who they go after, and why boundaries can read as a challenge
9:00 Secretive vs. private: refusing to answer simple questions
15:00 The no-win loop, and how trust gets built before it gets used
21:00 Isolation, triangulation, and fifteen years of a false story about a neighbor
27:00 The communal narcissist: charity, church, and the enablers
37:00 Envy, "noble" professions, and why conviction sounds like truth
43:00 Secret sabotage: weaponized incompetence and withheld information
49:00 Narcissistic parents, kids' sports, and who takes the credit

Keep going 💜
Book a free 30-minute discovery call and we'll help you map your next steps: https://beentheregotout.com/call
📘 Been There Got Out: Toxic Relationships, High-Conflict Divorce, and How to Stay Sane Under Insane Circumstances — https://www.amazon.com/dp/194627495X
📘 Been There Got Out: When Your Ex Turns the Kids Against You (our parental-alienation book) — https://www.amazon.com/dp/1967674183
🔗 Coach Elizabeth Shaw on Instagram (@coachelizabethshaw): https://www.instagram.com/coachelizabethshaw/
🔗 Elizabeth Shaw on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/coachelizabethshaw/
🔗 Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, Elizabeth's site: https://wasitme.blog/

🎧 More with Elizabeth Shaw on this podcast
Ep 63: Why You Can't Reason With a Manipulative Ex

About Been There Got Out
Chris Barry and Lisa Johnson are high-conflict divorce, custody, and co-parenting strategists, and the founders of Been There Got Out. They know these cases from the inside: both have successfully represented themselves in family court. Few attorneys have a playbook for a case like this — Chris and Lisa write yours with you, so you and your kids can get through it as unscathed as possible.