Esther Perel: Why Your Attachment Style Is Sabotaging Every Relationship

0:00This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome. You think you know a browser, but Gemini and Chrome? That's new. It can help you with practically anything on the web, like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a 50-page restoration block, or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks. Gemini and Chrome is here for it. Ready to make anything online makes sense? There's no place like Chrome. Check responses set up require compatibility and availability varies 18 plus. Propel Fitness Water With Gatorade Electrolites, Zero Sugar, and Vitamins, propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade Electrolites When you need to build up your team to handle the growing chaos at work, use Indeed Sponsored Jobs. It gives your job post the boost it needs to be seen and helps reach people with the right skills, certifications, and more. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsor job credit at Indeed.com slash podcast.

1:03That's Indeed.com slash podcast, terms and conditions apply. Need a hiring hero? This is a job for Indeed Sponsored Jobs. Have you ever noticed how some people seem to effortlessly figure out relationships while others constantly feel like they're walking on eggshells? Or maybe you're the one who pulls back the moment things get too intense, wondering why you can't just let yourself be vulnerable? Actually, There's a sons behind these patterns, etc. Have you ever noticed how some people seem to effortlessly figure out relationships while others constantly feel like they're walking on eggshells? Or wonder why you can't get yourself vulnerable? And it all comes down to something called attachment styles. So, what exactly are attachment styles? Have you ever noticed how some people seem to effortlessly figure out relationships while others constantly feel like they're walking on egg shells? Or maybe you're the one who pulls back the moment things get too intense, wondering why you can't just let yourself be vulnerable? There's actually a science behind these patterns, and it all comes down to something called attachment styles.

2:04So, what exactly are attachment styles? Have you ever noticed how some people seem to effortlessly figure out relationships while others constantly feel like they're walking on egg shells? Or maybe you're the one who pulls back the moment things get too intense, wondering why you can't just let yourself be vulnerable? There's actually a science behind these patterns, and it all comes down to something called attachment styles. So, what exactly are attachment styles? Have you ever noticed how some people seem to effortlessly figure out relationships while others constantly feel like they're walking on egg shells? Or maybe you're the one who pulls back the moment things get too intense, wondering why you can't let yourself be vulnerable? called attachment styles. So what exactly are attachment styles at the most basic level, they're like your relationship operating system. They're these unconscious patterns that shape how you connect with people, how you handle conflict, and honestly how you love and receive love. The fascinating thing is that about 56% of adults have what's called secure attachment, while the rest of us are working with some variation of anxious or avoidant patterns. But here's what really got me curious about this whole topic. At the most basic level,

3:06they're like your relationship operating system. They're these unconscious patterns that shape how you connect with people, how you handle conflict, and honestly how you love and receive love. The fascinating thing is that about 56% of adults have what's called secure attachment, while the rest of us are working with some variation of anxious or avoidant patterns. But here's what really got me curious about this whole topic. At the most basic level, they're like your relationship operating system. They're these unconscious patterns that shape how you connect with people, how you handle conflict, and honestly how you love and receive love. The fascinating thing is that about 56% of adults have what's called secure attachment, while the rest of us are working with some variation of anxious or avoidant patterns. But here's what really got me curious about this whole topic. At the most basic level, they're like your relationship operating system. They're these unconscious patterns that shape how you connect with people, how you handle conflict, and honestly how you love and receive love. The fascinating thing is that about 56% of adults have what's called secure attachment, while the rest of us are working with some variation of anxious or avoidant patterns.

4:08But here's what really got me curious about this whole topic. Esther Porelle, who's probably one of the most insightful relationship experts out there, talks about attachment styles not as fixed personality traits, but as something much more fluid. She says, we don't just fall in love with a person, we fall in love with the way that person makes us feel about ourselves. And attachment styles, they're basically our template for how we think we deserve to be loved. Think about that for a second. Esther Porelle, who's probably one of the most insightful relationship experts out there, talks about attachment styles not as fixed personality traits but as something much more fluid. She says we don't just fall in love with a person. We fall in love with the way that person makes us feel about ourselves. And attachment styles, they're basically our template for how we think we deserve to be loved. Think about that for a second. Esther Porelle, who's probably one of the most insightful relationship experts out there, talks about attachment styles not as fixed personality traits, but as something much more fluid. She says, we don't just fall in love with a person, we fall in love with the way that person makes us feel about ourselves. And attachment styles? They're basically our template for how we think we deserve to be loved. Think about that for a second. Your attachment style isn't just about what you do in relationships, it's about what you believe you're worthy of receiving.

5:10And that belief system was formed way before you had any conscious say in the matter. We're talking about patterns that got wired in during your earliest relationships, usually with your caregivers. Now what makes this even more interesting is that these patterns don't just stay locked in some psychological vault. They show up everywhere. Your attachment style isn't just about what you do in relationships, it's about what you believe you're worthy of receiving. And that belief system was formed way before you had any conscious say in the matter. We're talking about patterns that got wired in during your earliest relationships, usually with your caregivers. Now what makes this even more interesting is that these patterns don't just stay locked in some psychological vault. They show up everywhere. Your attachment style isn't just about what you do in relationships, it's about what you believe you're worthy of receiving. And that belief system was formed way before you had any conscious say in the matter. We're talking about patterns that got wired in during your earliest relationships, usually with your caregivers. Now what makes this even more interesting is that these patterns don't just stay locked in some psychological vault. They show up everywhere. The way you text your partner when they don't respond immediately. How you handle disagreements. Whether you assume the best or worst when someone cancels plans, it's all connected to this deeper blueprint about safety and connection.

6:17So let's dig into this. What does it actually look like when these different attachment styles show up in real life? Because understanding the theory is one thing, but recognizing it in action, that's where it gets really useful. The way you text your partner when they don't respond immediately. How you handle disagreements. Whether you assume the best or worst when someone cancels plans, it's all connected to this deeper blueprint about safety and connection. So let's dig into this. What does it actually look like when these different attachment styles show up in real life? Because understanding the theory is one thing, but recognizing it in action, that's where it gets really useful. The way you text your partner when they don't respond immediately. How you handle disagreements. Whether you assume the best or worst when someone cancels plans, it's all connected to this deeper blueprint about safety and connection. So let's dig into this. What does it actually look like when these different attachment styles show up in real life? Because understanding the theory is one thing, but recognizing it in action, that's where it gets really useful. Let's start with anxious attachment. Because it's probably the most visible of the insecure styles. If you're anxiously attached, you're basically operating from a place where love feels scarce and relationships feel fragile.

7:17You might find yourself constantly seeking reassurance from your partner. You know that person who checks their partner's social media obsessively? That's anxious attachment in action. But here's what's really happening underneath all that behavior. Let's start with anxious attachment. Because it's probably the most visible of the insecure styles. If you're anxiously attached, you're basically operating from a place where love feels scarce and relationships feel fragile. You might find yourself constantly seeking reassurance from your partner. You know that person who checks their partner's social media obsessively? That's anxious attachment in action. But here's what's really happening underneath all that behavior. Let's start with anxious attachment. Because it's probably the most visible of the insecure styles. If you're anxiously attached, you're basically operating from a place where love feels scarce and relationships feel fragile. You might find yourself constantly seeking reassurance from your partner. You know that person who checks their partner's social media obsessively? That's anxious attachment in action. But here's what's really happening underneath all that behavior. There's actual research showing that anxiously attached people have stress hormones that spike when they're separated from their partner, even briefly. We're talking about a physiological response here. Your nervous system is literally treating separation as a threat to your survival.

8:21So, when someone with anxious attachment doesn't hear back from their partner for a few hours, it's not just mental drama. Their body is flooding with cortisol and adrenaline as if they're an actual danger. There's actual research showing that anxiously attached people have stress hormones that spike when they're separated from their partner, even briefly. We're talking about a physiological response here. Your nervous system is literally treating separation as a threat to your survival. So, when someone with anxious attachment doesn't hear back from their partner for a few hours, it's not just mental drama. This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome. You think you know a browser, but Gemini and Chrome? That's new. It can help you with practically anything on the web. You can use the web to help you get a message from your partner. You can use the web to get a message from your partner. This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome. You think you know a browser, but Gemini and Chrome? That's new. It can help you with practically anything on the web. Like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a 50-page restoration block or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks.

9:25Gemini and Chrome is here for it. Ready to make anything online makes sense? There's no place like Chrome. Check responses set up required compatibility and availability varies 18 plus. Propel Fitness Water With Gatorade Electrolites, Zero Sugar, and Vitamins, Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade Electrolites When you need to build up your team to handle the growing chaos at work, use Indeed Sponsored Jobs. It gives your job post the boost it needs to be seen and helps reach people with the right skills, certifications, and more. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsor job credit at Indeed.com slash podcast. That's Indeed.com slash podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need a hiring hero? This is a job for Indeed Sponsored Jobs. It's not just mental drama. Their body is flooding with cortisol and adrenaline as if they're in actual danger.

10:25No wonder they end up sending multiple texts or jumping to worst-case scenarios. They're trying to regulate a nervous system that's convinced something terrible is happening. Now what about the flip side? Avoid an attachment looks completely different on the surface, but it's actually solving for the same fundamental problem, which is how to feel safe in relationships. No wonder they end up sending multiple texts or jumping to worst-case scenarios. They're trying to regulate a nervous system that's convinced something terrible is happening. Now what about the flip side? Avoid an attachment looks completely different on the surface, but it's actually solving for the same fundamental problem, which is how to feel safe in relationships. If anxious attachment says love is scarce so I need to hold on tight. Avoid an attachment says love is dangerous so I need to stay protected. The avoidant partner is the one who shuts down during emotional conversations. They're masters at changing the subject when things get too deep or suddenly remembering they have somewhere else to be when their partner wants to talk about feelings. But here's the thing that's really important to understand. This isn't about not caring if anxious attachment says love is scarce so I need to hold on tight. Avoid an attachment says love is dangerous so I need to stay protected.

11:25The avoidant partner is the one who shuts down during emotional conversations. They're masters at changing the subject when things get too deep or suddenly remembering they have somewhere else to be when their partner wants to talk about feelings. But here's the thing that's really important to understand. This isn't about not caring. It's about caring so much that the vulnerability feels unbearable. Mary Ainsworth's research shows that avoidant attachment typically develops when caregivers are emotionally unavailable but not necessarily abusive. So you had parents who loved you and took care of your basic needs but they couldn't handle emotions well. Maybe they got uncomfortable when you cried or they solved problems by backing away instead of moving closer. What did you learn as a kid? That needing people is dangerous. It's about caring so much that the vulnerability feels unbearable. Mary Ainsworth's research shows that avoidant attachment typically develops when caregivers are emotionally unavailable but not necessarily abusive. So you had parents who loved you and took care of your basic needs but they couldn't handle emotions well. Maybe they got uncomfortable when you cried or they solved problems by backing away instead of moving closer. What did you learn as a kid? That needing people is dangerous. That emotions are overwhelming and push people away. That the safest way to maintain connection is to not ask for too much.

12:31And that pattern just keeps playing out in adult relationships. But wait, what about secure attachment? What does that actually look like in practice? Because if most of us are walking around with some version of anxious or avoidant patterns, secure attachment can almost seem mythical. That emotions are overwhelming and push people away. That the safest way to maintain connection is to not ask for too much. And that pattern just keeps playing out in adult relationships. But wait, what about secure attachment? What does that actually look like in practice? Because if most of us are walking around with some version of anxious or avoidant patterns, secure attachment can almost seem mythical. People with secure attachment have this really remarkable ability to stay present during conflict without either panicking or shutting down. They can have a fight with their partner without their nervous system convincing them the relationship is over. They can also express needs and boundaries without it feeling like they're risking everything. Here's what the research tells us about securely attached people. They have longer, more satisfying relationships and better conflict resolution skills. People with secure attachment have this really remarkable ability to stay present during conflict without either panicking or shutting down.

13:32They can have a fight with their partner without their nervous system convincing them the relationship is over. They can also express needs and boundaries without it feeling like they're risking everything. Here's what the research tells us about securely attached people. Longer, more satisfying relationships and better conflict resolution skills. But it's not because they're perfect or because they never get triggered. It's because they've learned how to repair when things go sideways. So here's a question I keep coming back to. If these patterns were formed so early in our lives, are we just stuck with them? Is an anxiously attached person doomed to always feel like they're chasing love or an avoidant person condemned to always feel suffocated by intimacy? This is where Perl's perspective gets really hopeful. Talks about attachment plasticity which is basically the idea that your attachment style can shift based on your current relationships. If you're in a relationship with someone who's securely attached, you can actually see that your partner is trying to keep going and get the relationship back. If you're in a relationship with someone who's securely attached, you can see that your partner is trying to keep going and getting the relationship back. But it's not because they're perfect or because they never get triggered. It's because they've learned how to repair when things go sideways.

14:33So here's a question I keep coming back to. If you're in a relationship with someone who's securely attached, you can actually become more secure over time. Think about what that means. Your partner's ability to stay calm during conflict can literally rewire your nervous system to feel safer during disagreements. Their consistency in showing up can gradually convince your anxious attachment system that love doesn't have to be so precarious. Or their willingness to stay present during emotional conversations can slowly teach your avoidant system that vulnerability doesn't always lead to abandonment. But here's where I want to push back a little on the idea that being in a secure relationship automatically fixes everything. Because what if you're both operating from insecure attachment styles? Their consistency in showing up can gradually convince your anxious attachment system that love doesn't have to be so precarious. Or their willingness to stay present during emotional conversations can slowly teach your avoidant system that vulnerability doesn't always lead to abandonment. But here's where I want to push back a little on the idea that being in a secure relationship automatically fixes everything. Because what if you're both operating from insecure attachment styles? What if you're anxiously attached and your partner is avoidant?

15:37That creates this whole dance where the more you chase, the more they pull away, and the more you chase. Corel calls this the anxious avoiding trap, and it's probably one of the most common relationship dynamics out there. The anxious partner experiences the avoidant partners need for space as rejection, which triggers more pursuing behavior. Meanwhile, the avoidant partner experiences the anxious partner's need for closeness is suffocating, which triggers more distancing behavior. And here's the really tricky part. Both people are actually trying to solve the same problem, which is how to feel safe and connected. But their strategies are completely incompatible. The anxious partner thinks, if I can just get close enough, I'll feel secure. The avoidant enough space, I'll be able to love freely. So what happens? They end up recreating the very dynamics that form their attachment styles in the first place. The anxious partner gets confirmation that love is unstable and people leave. The avoidant partner gets confirmation that intimacy is overwhelming and people are needy. Now there's also a fourth attachment style that doesn't get talked about as much, but it's worth understanding. It's called disorganized attachment, and it affects about 5-10% of adults. This develops when your early caregivers were both your source of comfort and your source of fear.

16:37With disorganized attachment, you simultaneously crave and fear intimacy. You want connection, but you don't trust it. You push people away, but you panic when they actually leave. It's like having both anxious and avoidant strategies running at the same time, and they're constantly contradicting each other. But here's what gives me hope about all of this. Understanding your attachment style isn't about finding another thing wrong with you, or another way to pathologize your relationship struggles. It's about developing compassion for why you react the way you do, and getting curious about what your system is trying to protect you from. If you want to explore this more deeply, there's actually a free attachment style quiz you can take at attachmentstylequiz.com. It'll help you figure out which pattern show up strongest for you. So let's get practical here. What can you actually do with this information? Because understanding your attachment style is interesting, but it's only useful if it helps you show up differently in your relationships. First thing, start paying attention to your automatic reactions without trying to change them right away. If you're anxiously attached, notice when your nervous system starts spinning stories about what it means when your partner doesn't text back immediately. If you're avoidant, notice when you feel that urge to change the subject or create distance during emotional conversations.

17:41The goal isn't to judge these reactions or try to stop them. It's just to get familiar with your patterns. Because you can't change something you're not aware of, and most of these attachment behaviors happen so automatically that we don't even realize we're doing them. Second, practice what Porel calls emotional regulation. This means learning how to calm your nervous system down when it gets activated, regardless of your attachment style. For anxiously attached people, this might mean developing skills to suit yourself when separation anxiety kicks in. For avoidant people, it might mean learning how to stay present when emotions feel overwhelming. And here's something really important. You don't have to wait for the perfect securely attached partner to start becoming more secure yourself. You can begin developing secure attachment patterns on your own. This means learning how to be considered. This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome. You think you know a browser, but Gemini and Chrome? That's new. It can help you with practically anything on the web, like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a 50-page restoration block, or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks. Gemini and Chrome is here for it. Ready to make anything online makes sense? There's no place like Chrome.

18:43Check responses set up require compatibility and availability varies 18 plus. Porel fitness water. With Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar, and vitamins, Porel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Porel with Gatorade electrolytes. When you need to build up your team to handle the growing chaos at work, use Indeed Sponsored Jobs. It gives your job post the boost it needs to be seen and helps reach people with the right skills, certifications, and more. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsor job credit at and D.com slash podcast. That's indeed.com slash podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Neatahiring hero. This is a job for Indeed Sponsored Jobs. This is not with yourself. How to repair when you mess up and how to stay present with your own emotions without being overwhelmed by them. The truth is secure attachment isn't about being perfect in relationships. It's about being real.

19:44It's about being able to say, I'm feeling scared right now. Or I need some space to process this without it becoming a crisis. It's about learning how to repair after arguments and how to take responsibility for your part in relationship dynamics. So here's what I keep coming back to after diving into all this research. Your attachment style explains your relationship patterns, but it doesn't have to control them. The most powerful thing you can do is simply start noticing your automatic reactions and getting curious about what they're trying to protect you from. Maybe your anxious attachment developed because you learned early that love was conditional and you had to work to earn it. Maybe you're avoiding the attachment form because you learn that needing people was dangerous and self-reliance was safer. Those strategies made sense given what you experienced as a kid, but they might not be serving you now. The beautiful thing about understanding attachment theory is that it gives you a road map for healing. Not just healing your relationships with other people, but healing your relationship with yourself. Because at the end of the day, that's where secure attachment really begins. With learning how to show up for yourself with the same consistency and compassion you want from others. Remember, secure attachment isn't about being perfect or never getting triggered.

20:45It's about being real, being present, and being willing to repair when things go sideways. And that's something all of us can learn. Regardless of where we started. That's all for today. When you need to build up your team to handle the growing chaos at work, use Indeed Sponsored Jobs. It gives your job post the boost it needs to be seen and helps reach people with the right skills, certifications, and more.

21:47Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Listeners of this show will get a $75 Sponsored Job Credit at Indeed.com slash podcast. That's Indeed.com slash podcast, terms and conditions apply. Need a hiring hero? This is a job for Indeed Sponsored Jobs. Yamabah Resort and Casino at San Manuel is bringing the biggest laughs to the stage. Break Taboos with Ali Wang on August 28th and 29th. Enjoy Ralph Barbosa's Dry Humor on September 18th and 19th. And don't miss Nikki Glazer's unapologetic comedy November 19th. Tickets on sale now at Yamabah Theatre dot com. Only at Yamabah Resort and Casino celebrating its 40th anniversary. You in must be 21 to enter. Fall has never looked or tasted this good. Sweet Greens Fall Harvest Menu is back with seasonal favorites dressed to impress and made to be devoured. Warm roasted sweet potatoes, crisp apples, maple glazed Brussels, and crave worthy flavors.

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