Episode #308: The Freedom You Didn’t Know You Needed

0:00Hello, it is Ryan and I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin-slot games on chumbacacino.com I looked over the person sitting next to me, and you know what they were doing They were also playing chumbacacino everybody's loving having fun with it Chumbacacino's home to hundreds of casino-style games that you can play for free anytime anywhere So sign up now at chumbacacino.com to claim your free welcome bonus. It's chumbacacino.com and live the chumbala Hey everybody welcome to tea time with Amy and Bev Hello, we're back. How are you doing? I'm doing well. I recently, so this book has been out for a long time and I just recently listened to it. And it's Mel Robbins Let Them Theory. And I will tell you that this is one thing that I've embraced since I start listening to this now mind you.

1:08I am recovering control freak and and pieces of that still show up once in a while and I know it and by the time I've reacted. It's it's already shown its face like it's all I'm like a crap. There it is again. I did it. Okay. But since listening to this and I've been practicing that for years. But listening to this book, you know, it helps that you hear things in a different way sometimes. You know the information. You know the practice. You know all the things. But then there's there's this one person who puts out content and just says it differently. That you're just like, oh yeah, yeah, right. Well, that would be what I would contribute to Mel Robbins book Let Them Theory. I'm not an affiliate of it. I am not a promoter of it.

2:09I'm just telling you I have listened to it and I am listening to it again. And there have been so many moments. And this has been over the course of two to three weeks that I've listened to it and have started over. And there have been so many times in this in that timeframe where things are happening. And I feel myself getting all like, I got to get in here and take care of this. And what are they doing. And I just want to just flip a lid and in my head, I hear no, let them. Let them. So I just take a breath and I will just keep doing whatever it is I'm doing. And I relax in my body and I let them do what they're going to do. And I keep moving on. And I will tell you, just being a recovering control freak for one, when you start learning to pull back and not have to be all up and everybody's business and trying to control things and trying to tell people what to do when to do why to do so that you can be happy.

3:20But you know, it's just a whole cycle when you really sit with it. That's the synapses we deep dive into that if you want, but that that's just a quick synapses of being a control freak. It's freaking exhausting. Especially when people won't do what you want them to do. You know, you just get more frustrated and irritated and pissed and angry and all the things. And you're the one, you know, having the experience and they're sitting there looking at you like, what is your problem. Why, why, why are you being like this? Why you got mad at you, right? And when I, and now when I'm just like, let them. I can take a breath and watch it unfold because I also have to remind myself that I don't know everything. And just because you've been doing it one way doesn't mean there's not another way to do it.

4:20It's also an opportunity for somebody else to show their talents. And so you just go. Let them proceed. Let them, let them figure it out. Let them fail at it. Let them realize that the way you have been telling them to do it is there's a reason why you've been telling them to do it this way. And they don't want to follow that line or that path. And now they got to do it their way. You got to let them do it their way. So they figured out. That is just our human nature. You know, you think about when you're a teenager or kid and your parents told you, don't do this, don't do this, don't do this, don't do this. And you did it anyway. And then you're like, damn, they were right. And then that made you even more mad because you as a teenager, you don't want your parents to be right because you know everything right with teenagers know everything. Trust me, because I was one of them.

5:23But yeah, it's been. And she even says this in her book like it's freeing. Just go, okay. That's what they're going to do. Just let them do it. But I don't. And we've said this multiple times. I don't have to react to it. There's a difference between reacting and responding. I don't have to react to it. I get to choose how I show up in this dynamic. Yeah. It's up to us to decide, do I want to maintain my peace or do I want to go ahead and dive into this? It's a total choice. I love it. And it is a choice. And we don't have to say anything at all. We don't. And we, and guess what? You know, there's been so many times that someone's told me how to do something. And we kind of will take that idea with what they've given us. And sometimes we change it. We might make it even better. We might change it to, you know, even worse. They're still a learning process that happens. It just reminds me of my youngest grandson.

6:27Mom's telling them, don't touch that. It's hot. He walks right over there to touch it because he wants to know what that, what's this hot? Like, oh, oh, okay. Now I get it. So now you can understand that. But you still have to check it out himself. Right. That's normal. Like you said, that's a natural state. We're going to take everybody's word. That's the problem these days. We've been taking somebody else's word for things instead of doing our own exploration. Instead of seeing how it resonates in our bodies. Instead of doing our own research, there's so many things that we've given. That's giving your power away. And then when you sit and worry about it, or if you were to sit and be like, oh, no, you shouldn't be doing that. You're giving your power away to something that's hitting a wall. And then it's disturbing your peace. And is it necessary? Well, I'm finding that it's not necessary to disturb my peace. It's all right for someone to have an outburst or it's all right for someone to do whatever. It's it's it's for them. It's that has nothing to do with me. Nothing to do with me. And when we realize that has nothing to do with me. You just let them have their opportunity, just like someone else let us have our chances to be able to grow into the persons that we're growing you to now.

7:33From our experiences. Yes. And there was a there's bit there was one in particular time with a person. I could overhear a conversation and I just sat my desk and I was like, don't do it. This is not going to turn out well. And I knew it in my being at my this is not going to turn out well, but I just I let them go through the motions. And then it was repercussions. And I told the person mainly involved. I said, I knew this wasn't going to go well. When you guys were talking about I knew it wasn't going to go well. And the response was well, then why did you let me do it? Because I have been around this person enough to know that they are going to argue for their limitations. They're going to argue their point. And I just am not in the space to have those conversations.

8:38If you feel that strongly that what you're going to do is the right thing to do, then do it. And I'm not going to hold you back. So right ahead and make your decision, your choices and do what you're going to do. But by me saying that it was now it felt like in the tone of the words that now I could be blamed me could be blamed because I didn't speak up. So I was kind of in a no wind situation. I could say something. And they're going to argue their point. Fair enough. Or I don't say not anything. And they follow through. And I then tell them I knew this wasn't going to go well. Now I get to be blamed for it. Right. So it didn't matter. I'm like, whatever. But in the moment that the conversations were being happened, we're happening.

9:42I was able to just be like, let them figure it out. Because it really we have to allow people the freedom to figure it out. Yes. Your kids. Kids are smart. We think kids are dumb. The kids are not dumb. They are actually very smart. And we can give them the freedom to figure something out. It's like, you know, you're going to have to find a good teacher. You're going to have to look at the age. Look how much more powerful they will be as an adult. But what we do is we enable them. Oh, don't do it that way. And then you step in and you do it. How many how many parents out there did their kids' school project. So they could get an a. Now, how are they going to figure out later in life how to do something that's challenging or there's adversity. that seemed to think for themselves because the parent always stepped in and took care of it. And so we got to find that, find our place,

10:45our place is to keep them safe and to help them grow and learn so that they can survive in the world on their own when they step out as an adult. So we want to encourage them to figure things out. They've got to figure out the stove is hot. They've got to figure out the fire is hot. They have to figure that out. If they never experience what fire feels like or hot feels like, then what's going to happen when they're an adult? If they don't learn how to use their thinking skills to figure out how to navigate challenges or adversities, then what they can do when they're out on their own. Similar to what you said, we believe too much into what other people say or do and we don't question it. So now they become followers. Well, this person will take care of it for me. Yeah, we'll see how that works out for these people that you trust

11:47who are really there to take advantage of you, but because you're not in tune with handling things on your own or find a trusted person, then it's going to be failure after failure after failure. And there's not going to be any wins. Yeah. It makes me want to say to the kids when they do something or when they're going to make a decision and just ask them, what does your intuition tell you? It's just guiding them back with them because we really need to, otherwise we are doing it to the service. Honestly, I did, I know I did that. I did that raising my kids because I was trying to keep them safe. And you know, I've had the mission of safe. Exactly. Exactly. I'm not, I'm not in this. And now being the grandparent, it's like, I'll bring the kids home. It's like, oh, why are you two scoops ice cream? They're like, oh, mom, you're just doing too much. I'm like, we had a good time and we had two scoops ice cream.

12:49It was good, healthy ice cream. So hey, you know, it's, it's being able to enjoy that stuff. But you know, I don't know. I definitely operate a lot differently than I did then. And so I'll watch things as they're doing things. Now I haven't always, and that's been helpful even with my third grandchild. I have stepped back quite a bit and just let them, let them have this place. You're all good when the falls down gets right back up because before I would have made a big deal about that stuff. Oh, got to keep them safe like it was up to me. And it's like, they've got their own team. They don't need me. Again, that's exhausting, trying to stay on top of all that. We're just guides. Yeah. And for my, my son, when he was younger, my thing, the whole thing was, don't freaking make a mess. Because then I have to clean it up. Yeah. Right. And so you try to navigate and control the situation. So there's no mess made. And man, did I just, oh, and I think about it.

13:50It's like, God, girl. It's a lot. It is. And that's what we were taught though. And then, and then we add more stuff to the plate like we've got a family and we've got kids and we've got a job. We're going to add some more dogs and more cats and I'm not saying everybody does that, but I had done that. And it's like, I sit back and look at my kids now and having animals and stuff and trying to raise a family. It's like, where do you have time for all that? Because you really don't. We, we intentionally are spreading ourselves then because that's what we saw somebody else doing. I grew up with a mom that worked three freaking part time jobs. She was a single mom and she had me and my sister until she met. You know, I stepped out and I had my, she had my brother, but it's like it's like all these things she worked her tail off. So that's what I learned where it was from. She was in a hurry from one place to the next. That's where I learned a lot of it. Gotta get to the job. Wasn't a matter of leaving on time and then taking your time or just recognizing. I'm going to, you can't do that these days, if they tell you to be there, you can't show, but like eight 20 every day because you're, you know, you're distressed and you're into wish.

14:57And you might get, you might get fired, but it might open up a doorway for you to be your own boss. And then if you can get their 10 to 15 minutes later, it's okay. But it's just processing all that stuff and it's seeing how it feels, what feels right for you. Some people like to work in those kind of environments. I like a more looser environment. Yeah, more free. Yeah. And I learned the things from my mom and my grandparents and the people around me and that's what I practiced with my son and. And at the same time, when we become an adult on our own, we tend to be control freaks because it's, it's how we feel like we are in control of our life. Whereas as a child, a kid, teenager, you have your parents telling you what to do, when to do, why did you, where you can go, where you, who you can't hang out with, you know, all the things.

15:59And so you're like having no control of your own life. So it seems. And then when you become an adult. They're controlling behavior now becomes your controlling behavior because that's who you learned it from, but because you're an adult in charge of your own life. You think you're in control of those around you and the situations, which in fact, you are not, let me just say that, you are not, you think you are, but you are not. You just have control over yourself and that's where it comes back to this, let them is, I get to choose my response or my reaction to a situation or to a person. They want to be yelling and out of control. As long as I am not in harm's way, let them show up the way they're going to show up if I'm in harm's way. My response would be probably to pick up the phone call 911 and be in control of me and in of the situation as so my safety.

17:09If somebody wants to do something on trial and error and in your head and your intuition says, don't do it. You let them and let them figure it out and let them go through the motions and now either they're going to figure it out or they're going to ask for assistance. And now I, if they ask, then I can offer up some guidance. True. Right, I get to choose how I show up in the environment in the situation and I don't have to jump into every little thing and think my way is the best way. Which is one of the things I tend to do and to go back from that has been. I feel a lot better in my body, actually, because all I have to do is in my head go let them and I just go right back to whatever I'm doing I don't stew on it. I just, I just.

18:09I really seriously let it go. And if they want my input, if they want my guidance, they will ask. Yep. Free advice. Usually isn't received well. You're just somebody giving your opinion. When somebody asks, so what do you think about this, Bev, I am open to what you have to say about it and your perspective, your opinion, your input. But if I'm moving and I got momentum going and I'm doing something and you come over here and you're like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. And I'm, I think buzz off. I'm already got this going. I mean, I'm in it. I don't need your two cents, right? That's a pullback for me. That's like, okay. Unsolicited advice. Yes. Yep. I was so great at giving that out once upon a time. I probably still do actually, but not like I used to.

19:11Yeah. Yep. Not trying to be forced for not because I know better. It's like it's really just living in the experience myself. And being in peace, I'm probably more in peace now than I've ever been in my whole life. And it's because I'm not trying to control everything. Yeah. And even recognizing like in relationships when you're trying to control things. It's like, well, first of all, you can't control them. You just can't. There is absolutely no control. But there's a lot of learning to happen from all that stuff of letting go and then. Like, well, what are you? Same thing you just said. What do you think about this? Like processing it with your partner with your teammate. Working through things, getting gaining different understanding. And that could be me and you talking. That could be me and Freeman talking. That could be me talking to the kids. You know, it's, it's. There's so many avenues and it really again goes back to work.

20:12How am I showing up? Where was my energy at when I'm showing up for this information? Yeah. And there's just going to be resistance on the other end when somebody when you think you're going to control somebody because they have a different perspective of the situation and they're not seeing it through your eyes. And then it just causes that much more discord between the two of you or misunderstandings if there's not clarity. So you got to choose right. They say choose your battles. I don't, I don't, I don't like to use the word battle. It sounds very. That sounds like a lot of work and resistance. But choose wisely. What. The other day. Like my husband's off for three days. He works for four days a week. And the sink was full of dishes. And I have a lot of my plate. I got a lot of moving pieces right now.

21:12And I have to pick and choose where I'm going to spend my time and energy in the short amount of time I have between work and bedtime. And I have to eat in that time. And it's like I, so all week I've had to pick and choose where I have to spend my time and energy getting some things done that were important. So the dishes were not one of them. They're going to be there tomorrow. Trust me. And because they were at all day off. I come home from work. Still full of dishes. And then we piled more on top of it that night. And I was just like. My old behavior would have been. Freaking freak out moment. Like really been on all day. And you couldn't do the fucking dishes. And you know, I would have been. I rate. I would have. Shut down. I would have not, you know, the silent treatment at the short tempered like in an instant. I would have been off the off the cuff. But I just went.

22:14Okay. The dishes are still there. And I will find time to do them. And I will get them done. And. I get to have clean dishes right now. I have to talk through myself through it. I get to have clean dishes. I get to have something to put food on and now gratitude and all the things. So again, how I show up. And then the next day, something needed to be done. So I set them up for success. And I said, hey, can you do this? And I asked. And he did it. No problem. But to not ask for what you want also creates an issue. So you can't think that. I have a reaction to something where you've never asked for help. Right. And. You would assume, which is what I would do in my past. Assume. You see there's a sink full of dirty dishes.

23:16Could you help out? Because obviously I haven't got to it yet. But. I, the whole point of that is I get to decide how I show up in that situation. And the person that would have suffered the most in it would have been me. I would have been angry. I would have the tension and tightness in my body. I might end up with a headache. I might end up exhausted. I might like it's all me in my internal system would have been affected. But by me, just take a breath and go. Okay, here we are. This is what needs to be done. Let's just do it. Nice. And it's much more peace. Like you were saying, it is just much more peace. It's just letting go. It's a surrender of the way we think we think should be in this communication. Communication is huge. It's huge. If we don't, if we're not communicating, there's no evolution as far as that goes. And I was raised. I think I believe that my mom was one of those people that you should read her mind.

24:18And I learned how I should be that same way and everyone should read my mind and how to not do these things. But they don't think the same way that we think. Everybody doesn't say that we all operate differently. I remember one of the things I remember. I remember asking him, like, why? Why don't you just go out and clean the garage? Because I was the one that would always go out and clean the garage. And he's like, I don't know where to start. So he would get overwhelmed in that he would just shut down. So he didn't know where to start. He didn't know what to do with any of that stuff. So it's just having that understanding and the stuff, because it was a good or a bad thing. Maybe his mom was coming and cleaning up his room when he was a kid. Do you know what I mean? There's so many different reasons we do it to service to our kids. Because I was the one that was always doing all the cleaning and all the stuff around the house. And when I had time, you know, putting so much weight on my shoulders. You know, I did it. Not somebody else. It was me. It was me because that's what I grew up seeing. Yep. That. Yep.

25:18I'm right there with you. It's like he's. I think women have more of an ability that we see something that needs to be done and we take care of it. And on that is why couldn't you see this needs to be done? Why didn't you take care of it? Right. Right. And now we start blaming and pointing the finger and getting irritated, aggravated, angry. And they're just like, what is your problem? I don't know. I'm a clue what you're why you're getting so upset. Exactly. And they were raised totally different than we were. Really. I mean, even in my own household, when I was, was me and my sister and my brother, we were all three raised differently. We weren't raised the same way as each other. Right. We just weren't. And so we need, we take that into our lives. Whether we can go just automatically, you know, get down and set and get the plan done and go get the yard done and go get the house done and do all this stuff. It's just a. It's just how whatever our training was or whatever the environment was that we were learning in and absorbing all that information.

26:24Yeah. So majority of your way of being is learned behavior from those who raised you are at a significant. A fact on your life when you were younger, including teachers, neighbors, friends, friends, families. It could have been. It is not could have it is a multitude of people who had. A say or demonstration of how you're going to be when you got older. And so you think about maybe you have a way different. You know, relationship with your parents now, maybe there's been some healing, some, some changes into the dynamics of your, your family connections. But back then when you were a child, they were a completely different person like they is maybe nine day like I am nine day compared to how I was when I was raising my son.

27:27And if I was to raise a child today, they would turn out completely different than the one I've raised to is now in 30. So because I'm different. I would provide a different environment. I would provide different understanding of being a child, allowing them to be a child. I have more of an understand we didn't have this playbook. As a person having a child because it was, you know, grow up, get your education, get married, have kids, have a job. And you just went through the motions, but nobody gave you a playbook on how to move through those motions, how to navigate these systems and your, your emotional state and your mental state and your nervous system. But nobody gave us those playbooks. And so we didn't know the rules, we didn't know how to operate or navigate and in a healthy manner. And so now today it would be a completely different experience.

28:31And this is typically why grandparents are different with the grandchildren, then they were with their own kids. And it's, it's, it's an interesting dynamics because we all say, well, you know what, when I was a kid, my mom didn't let me get away with that, but now they're letting the grandkids do it, maybe two scoops of ice cream, you know, just before dinner, whatever, before bed. They wouldn't let me do it, but now they're letting the grandkids do it. They've moved through some things in life, and now they have just a different understanding of being a kid. And like I didn't, I didn't, I won't say I didn't have the opportunity to have a childhood, but I had to grow up fast. And so I was not, I don't feel like I was really had the space to fully be a kid. And there's things I need to know and understand at a very young age for survival.

29:36And so because of my programming, that affected me in raising my son, and that, you know, again, going back to the controlling thing, that's a big huge piece of it. And now that I'm thinking, what kind of school do we need, master creator school, because we're master creators, we're creating all the time. And so it's like creating the things we want, that we want to experience in our life. Gosh, we could see so many more amazing inventions in the world. If there was a lot more freedom to have those inventions, instead of it being so controlled, instead of it being the way we think it should be. Instead of parents expecting their kids to grow up and be attorneys and doctors and lawyers, and these were the expectations once upon a time. And now it's like I like the expectation of you going out and doing and being the best person you possibly can in this world, whatever that looks like to each individual. Yeah. So I would recommend reading the book, listening to the book again, I'm not an affiliate, not making money off of it, I'm not going to pay to promote it or anything else.

30:41I just think it's a very good way of hearing somebody talk about. Not feeling like you need to control everything. So, so learning flexibility and allowing yourself yourself to experience more ease within yourself. And it actually brings a little more peace might be a little rough at the beginning. It's okay, I understand. When you're recovering control freak, it's it's a little trying to step back and just let hand the reins over and let them do what they're going to do. But really it's about self awareness and how you're going to show up in the experience yourself. And so giving more self focus, instead of the external focus is really what that's about. So I do recommend getting in that book and and like I said, I'm on round two of it. I am listening to it. Yeah, I'll probably listen to it three more times after that, because each time there's something different that I hear.

31:50And that's what we do. That's how we operate. So anyway, good conversation. And I think there are many people that want to hear content like this or have these conversations or are interested in learning more about self awareness. So you can be resourceful. You can share content or any other spiritual teacher or influencer. Content that resonates with you in a good way, I would say anything that's helping you be and do better within yourself. I would say share it. And again, I'm sharing this book, because I think it is very impactful and in very beneficial. So if you want to be resourceful of our content, you can find us on many platforms. We're on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, speakers, Spotify, podcast, static and YouTube. We're under the title of Amy and Bev community. So any other words. I just want to remind people what you said earlier is let them instead of trying to control it, let them.

32:53Obviously, if it's as long as the ones being harmed or hurt or anything like that or in danger. But it is just letting them. It's not trying to control it all. Yeah. Awesome. That's the practice this week. And it is a practice. Let me tell you what practice practice practice practice. All right, friends, thanks for hanging out with us. Tea time with Amy and Bev. We'll see you next time. Bye. How to have fun anytime, anywhere. Step one, go to chamba casino dot com. Chamba casino dot com. Got it. Step two, collect your welcome bonus. Come to pop a welcome bonus. Step three, play hundreds of casino style games were free. That's a lot of games all for free. Step four, unleash your excitement. Chamba casino has been delivering thrills for over a decade. So claim your free welcome bonus now and live the chamba life. Visit chamba casino dot com. No purchase necessary VGW group void for prohibited by law 21 plus terms and conditions apply.