Chelsey Brooke Cole: Mindset Shifts for Healing From Abuse

People come out of these relationships still carrying the other person's rules. They will tell a coach they are not allowed to take that vacation, not allowed to say no to a schedule change, not allowed to ask. Nobody with any authority ever said so. Chelsey Brooke Cole calls it an externalized critical voice, and she says clients hand it to her constantly, mid-sentence, apologizing for sounding rude when nothing rude was said.

Chelsey Brooke Cole is a psychotherapist specializing in narcissistic abuse and relational trauma, and a best-selling author. She is open that this is her own history as well as her caseload, and that she still deals with these dynamics on several fronts, which is why she describes herself as being in it alongside her clients rather than explaining it from a distance. She reviewed the founders' first book and her endorsement is on its cover; this episode was recorded as a pop-up live around the launch of her own, If Only I'd Known.

In this episode, Chelsey walks through the healing mindset shifts from chapter eleven. Healing is possible whether you stay or go, which matters for anyone who shares children, cares for a parent, or cannot leave a job. There is no right or wrong way to heal, so the work is getting reacquainted with what you think and what you need rather than finding the correct protocol. Triggers are not weakness. Nobody asks a person who survived a crash why they still flinch, and narcissistic abuse is a small version of that reaction repeated for years, which is why so much of ordinary life ends up carrying it.

She and Lisa also cover why the person who hurt you must not become your standard, even as a negative one, and how that produces people who never ask for help in case it looks selfish. Why anger tracks with self-worth, and why survivors can be furious about injustice in the abstract and not about their own. And her advice for anyone frantic to resolve everything today: decide not to decide, and give yourself the space to watch the patterns first. Lisa translates each one into family court, including why the burden of proof sits with the person making the allegation.

As always, this is strategic education, not legal or mental-health advice for your specific situation.

🎓 What you'll learn

• Why healing is still possible when leaving isn't available to you, and what it costs
• Why looking for the correct way to heal is itself a way to stay stuck
• Triggers as evidence rather than weakness, and why fears generalize after relational trauma
• Why you're not responsible for your first feeling, only what you do next
• How your ex becomes your standard even when you're running from their description of you
• The link between anger and self-worth, and why survivors excuse their own injustice
• Deciding not to decide: why anxiety is a poor place to make a hard call
• False allegations in court: who carries the burden of proof, and why disproving everything backfires

⏱️ Chapters
0:00 Intro
1:00 A pop-up live, the new book, and the ex's voice still in your head
5:00 Healing whether you stay or go, and the weighted climb
7:00 There's no right or wrong way to heal
10:00 Agreeableness, losing yourself, and "I should have known better"
15:00 Triggers aren't weakness, and why fears generalize
22:00 You are not who they said you were
26:00 False allegations, and who carries the burden of proof
31:00 Anger is not a bad emotion
36:00 Deciding not to decide
39:00 Building a life outside it, and post-traumatic growth

Keep going 💜
Book a free 30-minute discovery call and we'll help you map your next steps: https://beentheregotout.com/call
📘 Been There Got Out: Toxic Relationships, High-Conflict Divorce, and How to Stay Sane Under Insane Circumstances — https://www.amazon.com/dp/194627495X
📘 Been There Got Out: When Your Ex Turns the Kids Against You (our parental-alienation book) — https://www.amazon.com/dp/1967674183
🔗 Chelsey Brooke Cole: https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/
🔗 If Only I'd Known, by Chelsey Brooke Cole: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0C6XT19Z4

🎧 More with Chelsey Brooke Cole on this podcast
Ep 12: Spotting a Narcissist on Social Media
Ep 224: Who's Safe to Tell About Narcissistic Abuse

About Been There Got Out
Chris Barry and Lisa Johnson are high-conflict divorce, custody, and co-parenting strategists, and the founders of Been There Got Out. They know these cases from the inside: both have successfully represented themselves in family court. Few attorneys have a playbook for a case like this — Chris and Lisa write yours with you, so you and your kids can get through it as unscathed as possible.