Do It Before You Feel Ready

0:00Whatever bike you're looking for from Mountain to Road, either pedal powered or electric, we've got what you want ready for super fast delivery. Quality gear at prices you won't find in your average bike shop. Bikesoneline.com, ride more for less. Just two wheels, two pedals, and you. At BikesOnline, we share your passion for everything cycling. Whatever bike you're looking for from Mountain to Road, either pedal powered or electric, we've got what you want ready for super fast delivery. Quality gear at prices you won't find in your average bike shop. All bikes are pro-built and tuned before shipping to get you riding quickly. If you find a better deal, we'll beat it by 5%. Shop now at BikesOnline.com and ride more for less. Hi and welcome back to your safe space. I'm currently taking a little season break, but obviously I wasn't going to leave you with nothing to listen to. So while I'm away, I'm bringing back a couple of your safe space episodes that you guys absolutely loved and low-key are still just as relevant now.

1:00So whether you've listened before and needed the reminder or you're hearing this for the first time, I hope you love it. Enjoy the on-call episode and I'll be back in your ears very soon. Let's get into it. Welcome back to your safe space. The podcast hosted by me at DelMari. Just like the name says, this is your space to chat, reflect, and dive a little deeper into the things that matter. On my mind today, the fear of embarrassment and how much it quietly runs our lives. Why does looking silly feels so unsafe? What's actually happening in our brains when we feel exposed? And why the very thing you're avoiding might be the exact thing that takes you to your next level. Let's open up this space. Hi, hi, hi. Happy Thursday. I hope your week has been wonderful. I've got to say I'm recording this on a day that is gloomy as shit.

2:01I nearly, well, I drove through two lots of flooded roads to get to the podcast studio today. It is peacing down in Melbourne. Potentially a lot of rain this week. I've got my cousins wedding on Saturday this weekend and I'm hoping that the rain is not pouring down for her. I did tell her I just sent her a tick talk about an Etsy which I said, I don't know if you've considered it. But it might be an option for your girlfriend. I'm on the back of a beautiful weekend away though. Most of you would know I went to my friend Madison's wedding last week. I made a weekend of it. Her wedding was in Portsea and we stayed down on the morning to Peninsula for the weekend and got very lucky with some beautiful weather for her wedding. Stayed at the cutest Airbnb had some quality time away with my partner and another couple that we're friends with. It was perfect. I can't believe one how quickly the weekend went. It honestly, I felt like I blinked and it was over. To just how much fun it was to go away and do that and really make the most of the weekend,

3:06devastated, devastated that summer is over and I'm glad we did that. I'm glad I've made the most of the summer this year and into the end of last year because yeah, I felt like we didn't get a long one this year. I'm surprised at the wet weather routine that we're being served right now. But as for what is taking up space, it really has just been weddings and I've got so many thoughts about weddings. I feel like I want to do a podcast episode on them. I'm just going to wait until after my cousin's wedding because that will be the last wedding I think for a little while. I'm touching wood. No disrespect to anybody that I have watched get married. I actually love going to weddings. I love love. I am a lover girl. You guys know I'm a swifty. I love the romance. I love feeling. I love being in a room full of love. I love celebrating love. I love watching people. I love being loved. I love being in love, right? But I feel like after being a wedding guest over nine times now in the last 12, 14 months, yeah.

4:14I have so many thoughts and then I'm like, maybe not maybe shut up and wait until you know, you're married or you have a wedding or you will lope. But anyway, it was a great weekend. But what that meant was I didn't do my groceries. I didn't do my meal prep. I didn't do my washing. I didn't do my cleaning. I did clean the house last week before I left because I had a rental inspection. But I have felt rather behind the eight ball this week heading back into the swing of things. So this weekend, it'll be the same. My Saturday, the Saturday is the wedding this weekend, but it's also not away. So I'm not going to be far if that makes sense. It's in Melbourne. So it will just mean that at least I've got Sunday to do my life errands and my life admin. Aside from having a very full social cup and social battery work is good. And yeah, I think that for me is what is taking up space. My very full social cup, my very, very overflowing social cup, social battery is fully charged

5:17for centuries now. Anyway, we're going to get into today's show because why? I feel like I get rather reflective when I do podcast planning, especially around my birthday in the lead up to my birthday. It's my birthday month next month. Get ready for March, guys. You know, I look back at my life. I look back at what I've achieved, what I haven't achieved. I look back at my thoughts, my ideas, the stuff I want to do. And I think about maybe roadblocks or achievements or risks in relation to the life I have lived up until this point. And one thing I've been thinking about more than usual is embarrassment and how one, moving through it actually helped me accomplish certain things. And two, how when I have tried to avoid it, all it's done is hold me back. And I thought, you know what? The listeners need to hear my thoughts on this today because when you do go after what you care about, what you want, the idea, the dream, the goal, the vision, embarrassment

6:22is that very unavoidable speed bump that you have to go over. You have to pass it. That is the road to growth and it's on there. You have to go over it. It's a universal experience and a universal thing. But I wanted this episode to be a reminder that learning, getting outside your comfort zone, leveling up, evolving, invites embarrassment in. It forces you to get uncomfortable and embrace going heads ahead with uncertainty and not knowing. And it requires a lot of vulnerability. Looking back on my 32 years as I'm about to turn 33 next month, everything I have achieved or done that has been important to me or a value to me, or even had any depth to me and what was important to my values meant that I had to be willing to take a risk, be willing to make mistakes in front of other people, be willing to feel a bit stupid, to be a bit cringed, to put myself out of my comfort zone.

7:25And I think about even leaving my full-time job, right? I had the cushiest, coolest fucking job in corporate. And I loved it. I loved it so much. And I left that, took a huge risk and maybe that risk involved the possibility of failing or it all going belly up to have what I have now. And over that time, I'm not saying that that's like the only thing I've achieved, but that's a pretty big example of how I lent intervonorability, I lent into the risk. It gave me strength. I remember I left my job right after I started this podcast and when I first started this podcast, it went to number one on the Spotify chart, the week that we launched. Thank you guys for doing that for me, by the way. And then the week after I resigned from my job and I had a job offer from my boss at the time that was on the table and I couldn't take it because it meant more hours, more responsibility,

8:26more work. And I wanted to obviously pour that into this job. And so I took that risk, I took that leap of faith. And then because I did that, it gave me more strength to continue with my podcast. It gave me more strength to pour into my YouTube channel. It gave me a new way of seeing my potential, of seeing my capabilities, of seeing what I am, what is possible to me and what I have within me. Now I'm certainly not saying that I am immune to embarrassment, no fuck no. I promise you I'm not. I still to this day can often feel embarrassed. I can feel flooded with different emotions, whether I'm either feeling, you know, imposter syndrome, a bit inadequate or maybe I'm feeling a bit uncertain because I'm out of my depth and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I still get that, that discomfort. I don't think we'll ever go away, especially because I am someone who likes to push my comfort zone. I like to step outside of what I know and I like to take risks, especially when there

9:26is something that I'm working towards. I do believe it has changed shape and I've gotten better at dealing with it as I have gotten older. So let's take it away back to what embarrassment is in the first place because embarrassment is what psychologists call a self conscious emotion. It basically means it only shows up when we're aware of how other people might be seeing us or might be perceiving us. It's not just, oh, that was a bit awkward, that feeling that we feel it's, oh my god, how did that look to so and so or everybody else. Sometimes it happens when we think we've broken some kind of social norm or social rule. Maybe we have said the wrong thing, done something clumsy or just didn't act the way we thought we should and sometimes people don't notice, but sometimes our brain can react like we have done something very catastrophic, very publicly humiliating. And that's why it feels very physical.

10:27I think embarrassment can feel very, very physical, which makes it feel, makes it feel so real because you do get that heightened test pounding. You get the face going red, the blushing, the heat, the awkward, you know, you want to crawl into a hole and die. Your body does treat social judgment as a physical threat. You can also feel embarrassed for other people as well, secondhand embarrassment. You know, when someone does something very awkward and makes you cringe a little bit on their behalf, that is actually empathy mixed with your own fear of how other people are reacting or how a group is reacting. And I guess the key thing when it comes down to embarrassment is that embarrassment feels very, very big. It feels huge in the moment, but it usually fades away pretty quickly. Most of the time people aren't analyzing us the way that we think we are. They're absolutely too busy worrying about themselves.

11:28So embarrassment is not about danger. It's more about perception. And most of that perception is what's happening in our own head. Now, there are different types of embarrassment. I'm going to go through the three common ones. I thought this was really interesting when I did the research for this episode because it's cool to see them kind of labelled out. I like, I like, but I do like putting things in boxes. I think for me anyway, I like interpreting information like that. I'm going to share with you. I'm going to share with the group. The first one is mistake related embarrassment. So this happens when we do something silly, a little bit incompetent, or something that we don't want to be seen, or how that fits how we don't want to be seen essentially. I'm talking about maybe you trip over, or maybe you spill your morning coffee on yourself, or maybe you respond to someone in a way that doesn't land.

12:30When I, the last flight I caught, where was I going? I was going to the Gold Coast for that retreat that I had with my manager. I'm scanning my boarding pass at the gate and the beautiful flight attendant goes to me, have a good flight. And I go, you too, and I walk off and I went to cringe because she's obviously not getting on the fucking plane. It's the same as when you realize you've had food stuck in your teeth for over an hour. Just that feeling where we feel like everyone is judging us negatively. And maybe people are judging us and laughing at us behind our backs or in front of our face. But I think the best way to handle those kind of mistakes is just to laugh it off yourself. Or in a, everyone makes mistake related mistakes. Okay? Everyone makes mistakes. It's a human thing. It is not that deep and not that serious, not a big deal at all. If you do make a mistake in front of other people, you know, it's just like, oops, yeah, I did that. Move on, put it behind you. What's done is done. If someone keeps teasing you about a mistake like that or bringing up what you did wrong,

13:32the best way to kind of neutralize that is to agree with them and just be like, yeah, ha ha. Yep, I made that mistake. Oh, yep, I should have done that differently. Boring responses like that will make it less likely that anyone's going to keep pestering you about it. Number two, which is probably more what this episode is related to is center of attention embarrassment, center of attention embarrassment happens in situations when everyone is looking at you. It can happen when you are presenting. Maybe you're giving a speech. Maybe you're doing a presentation at school or uni. Maybe you're posting a video for the first time on social media. Maybe you're about to launch a new business. Maybe you're stepping foot into a brand new gym for the first time and meeting new people. This can even happen when there is a positive situation around it. You know, when everyone's singing you have your birthday and you've got your friends and family and they're all around you and you're feeling like that awkward, self-conscious feeling, not sure what to do, where to look or to do with your hands.

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15:35You can build up the resilience to this kind of embarrassment. First presentation might feel really hard, but after you've done them three, four, six, seven, eight times, it gets easier. One of my really cool, I think, anti-embarassment kind of things that my last job had, I would have to go to businesses and give a presentation on the electricity and gas that I was selling. I would have to talk to groups of like 20 to 30 people in random office buildings and really know my shit, be able to answer the questions. Nothing quite like that really actually works at the same muscle the same way. Lots of practice and I got used to it so easily. But if you are in this predicament where you are feeling that center of attention embarrassment to try to consciously relax your body, so you're breathing down, soften those muscles in your face and also remind yourself that this moment is so brief.

16:36The spotlight is on you for a couple of minutes. You just have to be brave for a tiny, tiny bit. The third and kind of best way to experience embarrassment is complement related embarrassment. This happens when we feel awkward when someone compliments us. So something nice about us oppresses us. I think sometimes very tempting to also argue back. Someone says to you, oh my god, you did amazing. Oh my god, your hair looks amazing. And your first instinct is to go, no, I didn't or no, I don't. I don't feel good today. I feel ugly. Complement related embarrassment is the easiest kind of embarrassment to deal with. And the best way to treat compliments is like a present, like a gift. If someone had given you a gift that you really wanted, like a physical gift that you wanted, you wouldn't turn around and say to them, that's ugly. No, I don't want that. You wouldn't do that. You would say, thank you. That's so sweet. I really appreciate that. The correct response when you are getting a compliment is to do the exact same thing.

17:38Smile and say, thank you and accept it with your whole heart. I think social media also has a really big role to play in this as well. And I truly believe that social media has warped the way in which we feel we are perceived. It does mean that visibility or the visibility that people have on you is increased definitely, but I think it has warped how visible we think we are. Sometimes our brains think that when we post on Instagram or TikTok or whatever it is, it's the equivalent to standing on a stage in front of hundreds of thousands of people. And it's that voice in your head that says, if I put this up, everyone's going to say, everyone's going to be laughing at me. Everyone's going to be judging me. But realistically, the algorithm is only going to be showing that to a very small percentage of people. The other half that see it, I just going to scroll past, not even like it. And the rest are too busy worrying about what they've posted or what they're doing in their own life. The fear is absolutely inflated because of social media, but the actual exposure is usually so small.

18:41I even think about when you post a video to on any platform, unless it's going viral, very lucky, very blessed when a video does go viral. But unless it's going viral, there are millions and billions of people in this world. No one, not everyone is actually truly seeing it. I just had to do a quick on air Google. The world population surpassed 8 billion in November 2022, and it's estimated to be approximately 8.3 billion as of early 2026. I've never got a billion views on any videos. Okay. So I wanted to mention that because I do think it is important in plays of role into maybe how we tend to hold ourselves back more given that we are from a social media generation. On top of that, coupled with just being scared to post on our own social media, we also watch other people's highlight reels. We're constantly consuming filtered edited versions. People are at their peak and no one is ever posting their beginning.

19:43So when you're feeling messy or you're feeling average, it can sometimes feel like you're failing in comparison to other people's highlight reels, which is again, so important to not compare in the first place. But social media and this culture of being perfect has in a way, low K made us allergic to being beginners ourselves. We don't want to be seen as learning. We don't want to be seen as not good at something. We don't want to be seen as figuring it out. We only want to be seen once we're excellent. Once we have it together, once we feel put together. But everyone is beginning that average is on the road to becoming excellent. It's the doorway there. No one, no one skips it. Even the people who you think are super confident, super talented, super successful, they have done things and been shit at the beginning too. They've had to learn, they've had to evolve. They've been beginners once before. They've maybe posted something awkward as well. They've felt awkward.

20:44They've probably been unsure, uncertain in their life. The difference is that they didn't wait to be perfect before they started or before they showed up. I also don't think that I've spoken about this either, but it is important how women are socialised and treated from a really young age around embarrassment. From when we were little, it was always taught to be very agreeable, very polite. Don't be too loud, don't be too much. Don't draw attention to yourself in the wrong way. Good girls don't fail publicly. Good girls don't take up too much space. Good girls don't look silly. So when we feel embarrassed as women, it's not just about the moment. It taps into something deeper. It can tap into something deeper. It taps into maybe a fear of being too much or maybe a fear of being not enough at the same time. And that can be really exhausting because men are often socialised very differently and raised differently.

21:44They are raised to try to compete, to risk, to fail. And women are socialised and raised to be liked. So of course, embarrassment may hit harder. It's tied to approval. It's tied to our worth to being accepted. Taking up space will sometimes feel embarrassing. Being ambitious will sometimes feel a little bit embarrassing. Trying before you're perfect will sometimes feel embarrassing. It doesn't mean that you're doing anything wrong. It just might mean that you're unlearning some social conditioning along the way. Now while embarrassment is incredibly uncomfortable and a shitty feeling, it is not dangerous. You actually can't die from embarrassment despite how sometimes it feels like you can. Embarrassment is a sign that you actually care about doing things right and doing things that means something to you and feeling a part of something or feeling proud to do something that means a lot.

22:45Coping with embarrassment is really important because it gives you permission to step into that next level, to evolve, to really achieve the things that you want to do. Learning to tolerate and accept the moments where you do feel self-conscious, forgiving yourself if you have done something that's a little bit embarrassing but moving forward in a positive way is the key. So now I'm going to share with you my top tips that I've learned along the way and what I reflected upon as I'm stepping into my 33rd year of life. The first one being cringe means you're at the edge of growth. Now I know that cringe worthy, being cringe, cringe, whatever has kind of gained popularity in the last couple of years but I think it's really important to reframe embarrassment because I think that being cringe is a sign that you're growing. Being cringe means that you're on the doorstep of growth. You are on the skirts of that next level,

23:47that outer edge of that comfort zone. And sometimes when things feel cringe is because you're doing something that you might not feel ready to do which is not about being. It just means you're early. It just means you're getting there before you feel ready which is a great position to be in. Sometimes doing some new things is scary because you're not an expert, you're not polished, you're not effortlessly good at it yet and doing new things can mean that you're not a master. You don't have that mastery, you're visible while you're learning and figuring it out and you can't control how people are perceiving you and that is so uncomfortable for our ego, our ego hates to see it. Our ego loves competence. It loves being the one who already knows what they're doing. It loves looking put together. So when you're a beginner, when you're new, when you're fresh, it panics. Psychologically growth also requires that ego discomfort, that feeling of, I'm not good at this yet.

24:48That is the edge of you expanding and stepping into that next chapter. Like I said before, think about anyone you admire. I often think about people who inspire me or who I admire, whether that is in business, in social media. Think about entrepreneurs, public speakers, other content creators, business owners. If you look back at them when they first started their early days, they didn't know what they were doing. They were a little bit awkward. They were figuring it out. I'm confident they probably cringed at themselves as well. The difference between them though and the people still thinking about starting or doing something or doing the thing that they actually want to do is that the successful people tolerated being cringed. They tolerated that feeling of cringed. They tolerated feeling uncomfortable. They let themselves be seen before they were perfect. And cring is not proof that you shouldn't do something. To me, that tells me that you're just early. It's proof that you're early to doing it.

25:48And early is where every single future version of you begins. So when you're feeling that wave of like, you know what, my god, this is so fucking embarrassing. Instead of pulling back, that is where you start to flip it and start to say to yourself, wait, I'm actually on the edge of something new here. I need to keep moving forward with it. My second tip is to remember that embarrassment is not real. I know that it feels real, but embarrassment is not this big, concrete thing. I know your face gets hot. I know your stomach sinks. But the meaning, the story that we attach to it, that is the part that is made up, that is the part that we add to it, that is the part that only exists in how we decide to perceive it and how we decide to label it. And I'll give you an example. Two different people can do the exact same thing that might be a little bit cringe or might be a little bit awkward. And one might laugh and carry on with their day. The other might spiral and it might ruin their day.

26:51That moment didn't change. It's the story and the perception that the person who experienced it attached to it. Something's only embarrassing if you label it as embarrassing. So what if we just stop labeling things as embarrassing? What if you take away its power? Half the power of embarrassment is in that meaning that we attach to it. And that meaning is so much more flexible than we think it is. So I really urge anyone listening to start to challenge that because what's on the other side of that, and pushing past that fear opens up your world, which leads me into my next tip, which is when you fear embarrassment and you're scared of it, you keep yourself small. And you shrink yourself before anyone else even has the chance to, before the world even has the chance to. When you're constantly trying to avoid embarrassment or avoid being judged or avoid people perceiving you, you start not showing up as your true self. You start editing your life.

27:53You don't speak up. You don't talk about the things that matter. You don't try the thing that you want to. You don't start the business idea that you had. You don't post the social media video that you want to post. Your world slowly, slowly get smaller and shrinks and goes little. Not because you can't do it, but because you don't want to look silly in front of other people. You don't want to look silly doing it. And yes, that does feel very safe. The comfort zone is a lovely, safe, warm, cozy spot, which is not a bad thing. Sometimes I like to retreat in my comfort zone too. But safe can also sometimes turn into stagnant. It can turn into feeling stuck. It can turn into feeling like you're not feeling very fulfilled because you are keeping yourself small because you're trying to avoid a few awkward moments. And I think instead of trying to avoid these awkward moments, you can slowly start becoming the version of you that you want to become. You can slowly start leaning into the things that let you up that make you happy that you want to speak about, that you want to do, that you want to experience.

28:55And I think when you have that kind of stuck feeling, that lingers a lot longer than fleeting embarrassment or fleeting thoughts of people judging you or people perceiving you, it lingers much longer than any of that does. My next tip is to conquer embarrassment by being vulnerable. You've got to get vulnerable. You've got to dig a little deep. You don't conquer embarrassment by avoiding it. I don't think that that is the goal. I think you actually face it head on. You have to walk head on into it and be quite vulnerable. Let yourself be seen as you are. Let people judge you. Let people think what they want. Let people perceive you. Who gives a fuck? At the end of the day, we're just floating on this rock. Hopefully living a long, healthy life, you should do the things that you want to do. I truly think the fastest way to lean into your vulnerability

29:59is to create, to make something, to show up, to share something, care about whatever it is out loud, let yourself be seen. Not perfect, not finished, just trying. That is where I believe embarrassment starts to lose its power. My last tip is to do it in Paris, because confidence is not just waking up one day, and magically not caring. Lovely if you can do that, but it is not the absence of embarrassment. That's not the goal. The decision to still move and do the things, even when you feel the embarrassment. Like I said, I don't think that I'm immune to it, and I'm never going to feel embarrassed again. Sometimes I feel embarrassed over little things, maybe you might not post the video because of how my makeup looks, or the angle of my double chin, or whatever the fuck it is, but it is the decision to still move while you feel it.

30:59Sorry, those examples are a bit rogue. But embarrassment is short, it spikes, and then it fades. Regret on the other hand is quiet, but it lingers. Like I said before, it shows up months later, it's that little what if, it's that what if I tried, it's that what if I took that risk. If I didn't quit my corporate job back in when was it 2022? Yeah, four years ago, I would have that what if right now. I know I would. I don't have it because I explored it, and I've loved, and I'm so grateful for the life that I've got right now. But I also think often about future adults, hopefully touch what I get there, but I think about older adults, adult and her 70s, and I think she would not give a fuck that I looked cringe. She would give more of a fuck if I didn't do the things that I said I wanted to do, or that I was, she would care more if I was holding myself back. She would care more that I didn't try. Okay, so think of future you and make her proud, and also think of younger you,

32:00who right now would think that you're the coolest fucking thing ever as well. You can survive a couple of minutes of cringe. I promise, I promise, I promise. And who cares if anyone else thinks you're cringe? Living small to avoid that feeling is a far heavier cost. So like I said, the goal is not to eliminate embarrassment. It is to build the tolerance to it, to build your resilience to it, and still act anyway, and still be, and show up the way that you want to. Whether that is a bit awkward, whether that is a bit shaky, whether that is a bit scared, embarrassment will not ruin your life, but letting it make your decisions might. It really might. So if you are standing on the edge of something and listening to this, and it sparks something in you, please, this is your sign to do it. And that's it for today's encore. I hope you loved revisiting this one, or if you're new here, I hope you're now deep in the your safe space archives because there are so many good episodes waiting for you. I'm still on my break, but I'll be back soon with brand new episodes and lots to catch up on. Thank you for being here.

33:01Thank you for supporting the pod, and I'll see you guys very soon. Love you so much. Bye. As an independent podcast, your safe space grows through word of mouth. So if you enjoyed this episode today, the best way to support me is by leaving a five star review on Spotify or Apple podcasts or simply sharing the episode with someone you love. Thank you so much for listening, and I'll see you next time. This podcast was recorded on Rurundery Land. Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. Whatever bike you're looking for from Mountain to Road, either pedal powered or electric, we've got what you want ready for super fast delivery. Quality gear at prices you won't find in your average bike shop. Bikeshomeline.com. Ride more for less.