Dionysus and the Pirates

0:00The stories featured in Greak-Eight are original adaptations of classic Greek myths. This tale features the art of shape-shifting, the grisly death of many greedy pirates, an abandoned princess, and really big cats. If you've been listening to the show for a while now, you probably know that most of the Greek gods are a little... How should I put it? Uptight? Let's put it this way. Fun and easy-going aren't exactly the words that come to me when I describe the Greek gods. After all, they're supposed to be powerful like Zeus or intimidating like Hades or Wise like Athena. But not all of the gods took themselves so seriously. Some of them like to cut loose and have a good time every now and then, and when it came to having fun,

1:04no one did the job better than Dionysus. Dionysus was the Greek god of many things, including fruitfulness, vegetation, wine, and pleasure. He is known for having lots of fun and traveling with a herd of devoted half-man, half-animal satyrs. Exactly. Dionysus was known for his easy, breezy, carefree attitude and over time. He developed the reputation of being Mount Olympus' top-party animal. If you wanted to have a wild adventure, you'd call Dionysus. But he was also a little bit of a trickster. He loved to play pranks on people. And like many of the gods, Dionysus could shapeshift into different forms, but unlike other gods who prefer to change into hawks or bowls or other powerful creatures, Dionysus liked to change into a human. This allowed him to hang out with people and learn more about the mortal world, and it also gave him the opportunity to have lots of fun and get into lots of trouble.

2:07As a god, Dionysus attracted a lot of attention. But when he was a mortal, even an incredibly handsome mortal, people were much more willing to relax and let their guard down around him. He got to observe the human race first-hand, and he had a great time attending their parties, spending their money, and eating and drinking all of their delicious foods. I mean, being a human wasn't all that bad, really. Even though we, no Dionysus, was worshipped in ancient Greece from as early as the 13th century BC, he was always shown as a foreign god coming to Greece from somewhere else. Oh, that's interesting. I did not know that. Anyway, one morning, after a long night of partying in his human form, Dionysus was taking a leisurely walk by the sea. He was just thinking about how much fun it was to be a human and not be responsible for anything when he saw a ship approaching. Dionysus could tell right away that this was no ordinary ship.

3:10Pirates, Dionysus said to himself with Glee, oh, this should be fun. While the exact timeline of this adventure is not clear, the oldest historical references to piracy date back to ancient Egypt. Piracy has been a profession for a long time. When the pirates saw Dionysus standing on the shore, he just looked like a normal dude all by himself, very kidnapable, if you will. They had no idea that they were looking at the god of wine, festivities, and insanity. He is not the god of insanity. He is the god of ecstasy. Right. Okay, but I kind of thought that meant the same thing. I mean, we normally use ecstasy to mean a state of feeling really good, but its original meaning was kind of like insanity, wasn't it? I mean... The word ecstasy originally meant a wild religious frenzy,

4:11or translike state brought on by worshiping the gods. Okay, so it's like acting wild, but in a religious way in order to honor the gods. Okay, I get it. Alright. Dionysus is also the god of big cats. Big cats? You've got to be kitten me. Kitten me. This podcast has too many puns. No more cat puns. Oh, come on Oracle. That one was perfect. Perfect. Perfect. And sorry. Okay, anyway, I couldn't resist that one. Like I was saying, the pirates didn't realize who was standing on the shore before them. Dionysus simply looked like a handsome young man and a well-dressed one at that. And it was clear from his clothing that he was very wealthy, so the pirates assumed that Dionysus was like a mortal prince or something. And what do pirates do when they see young princes walking alone on the beach?

5:14Well, they kidnapped them, of course. That prince will fetch us a nice ransom. Said the pirate captain, grab him and bring him aboard. And this has happened to many people in history and in stories. Shakespeare's Hamlet is kidnapped by pirates. And Julius Caesar, the Roman Emperor, was kidnapped by pirates in real life when he was younger. Now Dionysus could have easily escaped from the pirates, but he decided to play along and see what would happen next. After all, Dionysus was always down for a good adventure, so he let the pirates take him back to their ship and didn't even resist when they tried to tie him up. There was just one problem. The ropes wouldn't hold. Every time the pirates tried to tie up Dionysus, the ropes would simply fall away. Shackles didn't work either. Everything just seemed to slip right off the man. The pirates were frustrated, but Dionysus just laughed.

6:14Guess I'm a hard guy to tie up. He said with a snort. Now one of the pirates was a young man named Acquities. He was the newest member of the crew and known for his intelligence and navigational skills. Before modern technology, sailors and pirates used a combination of sea charts, compasses, and astronomy to navigate their ships to the right destination. Right, so Acquities was a pretty smart guy. Smart enough to worry that they had made a terrible mistake by bringing this guy aboard. This isn't an ordinary human. Acquities said to the crew, I think he's a god. We should let him go before we make him any angrier. Dionysus smiled to himself. At least there was someone with a bit of brains on this ship, but the rest of the pirates were having none of it. What you mean he's just a human and a rich one at bat. Think of all the money we'll receive from his family.

7:14The young navigator begged them to reconsider. He even went to the captain and begged him to release the prisoner. It's not worth it. He exclaimed. Not since. I don't know what's going on with those ropes, but there's no reason to believe this man is a god. And I'm not turning away free money just because you have a hunch that something's not right. OK, wow, look at the time. Where has the episode gone? We're going to take a short break and we'll be back on the other side with more greaking out. Bro, can you imagine if like you're making pizza deliveries in your high-speed sports car? And next thing you know, you're flying a helicopter with a giant claw picking up French fries? Lego City. What's your hero story? Starting or growing your own business can be intimidating and lonely at times. Your to-do list may feel endless with new tasks and lists can easily begin to overrun your life. So finding the right tool that not only helps you out, but simplifies everything as a built-in business partner can be a game changer.

8:18For millions of businesses, that tool is Shopify. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e-commerce in the US. From household names like Jim Shark, Rare Beauty and Hines. To brands just getting started. Shopify has hundreds of ready-to-use templates that can help you build a beautiful online store that matches your brand style. And you can tackle all the important tasks in one place, from inventory to payments, to analytics and more. No need to save multiple websites or try to figure out what platform is hosting the tool that you need. And if people haven't heard about your brand, you can get the word out like you have a marketing team behind you. With easy to run, email and social media campaigns to reach customers wherever they're scrolling or strolling. Start your business today with the industry's best business partner, Shopify, and start hearing. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com slash realm. Go to shopify.com slash realm.

9:19That's shopify.com slash realm. And now we continue greaking out with national geographic kids. So the pirates continued on their way with Dionysus as their prisoner. Since they couldn't tie him up, they had someone stand guard at all times to make sure that their big payday didn't manage to escape. And although Dionysus had found all the commotion to be fairly entertaining, he was starting to get bored. Let's have a little fun Dionysus said to himself. Suddenly, without any warning, the ship began to slow. The winds continued to blow when the sails fluttered in the breeze, but the ship was losing speed at a rapid rate. Eventually, it just stopped and began bobbing in the water. What's happening? The captain cried. Why are we stopped? The crew tried to figure out what had happened, but they were at a loss.

10:21Acoides shook his head nervously. He was certain that this wasn't going to end well. Out of nowhere, a vine began to grow around the top of the sail. Suddenly, multiple vines of green ivy with beautiful flowers wrapped around the wooden mast. The pirates were speechless. They stood watching the vines grow with their mouths open and fear in their eyes. In Greek art, Dionysus is often depicted with vines and tendrils to represent his relationship with wine and vegetation. Dionysus just chuckled to himself. The captain looked over a Dionysus and then back at acoides and his face paled. We released the prisoner. He ordered no. The men shook themselves from their stupor, but it was too late. I don't think I'll be going anywhere after all. Dionysus said with a grin, I rather like this ship.

11:22And without warning, he transformed himself into a large, majestic lion. Told you he liked big cats. Dionysus, the lion, led out a mighty roar and the pirates started to scream. They began running as fast as they could across the ship. But Dionysus wasn't done just yet. He released another powerful roar and summoned a large bear, a panther and another lion just for good measure. Team Wild Animals for the win! The pirates were beside themselves. They had no idea what to do. Some of them tried to fight back against the beast, but it was clear that they were no match for the animals. Some of the pirates were so scared that they jumped off the boat in the middle of the ocean. But the second they hit the waves, Dionysus transformed them into dolphins. Humans and dolphins share many similarities and behavior traits. Some scientists now claim they may be closer to humans in intelligence than chimpanzees and other primates.

12:28Wow! And maybe that's because of Dionysus. Maybe they're not actually dolphins, but ancient sailors trapped as ocean creatures. That seems scientifically unlikely. Well, yeah, obviously, yeah. Anyway, miraculously, the animals left equities alone. And before long, he was the only pirate left. He looked over the railing and began to contemplate his odds. He gulped and decided to accept his fate. After all, it was better to be a dolphin than a dead man, so he was about to jump into the water when Dionysus transformed once again. This time, back into his human form. Wait! He said to equities. And with a snap of his fingers, the now very full bear, panther, and lion all vanished. The vines disappeared from the mast, and the ship began to move once more. My name is Dionysus, and you're right, I am indeed a god. You recognize me even in my human form, and you begged your captain to let me go,

13:30even though you knew they would not believe you. For your faithfulness and intelligence, I will keep you alive. Thank you. A coitee, stammered. You're welcome. Now, here, have a drink, and tell me all about how you became a pirate. And so Dionysus continued doing what he did best, talking, learning, and having a wonderful adventure. After, you know, he killed just about everybody on the boat. He learned all about equities, and by the end of their conversation, Dionysus was rather glad that he had decided to spare the man's life. While they were sailing, Dionysus spotted a small island on the horizon. What's that land over there? He asked equities. Oh, that's the island of Maxos. I think I'm going to go check it out. It was a pleasure meeting you, equities. I do hope you consider a different career path. You're too smart to be a measly pirate.

14:31Happy sailing! And with that, Dionysus snapped his fingers and disappeared. A coitee smiled to himself and continued to sail off toward the horizon, the proud owner of his very own ship. Dionysus, meanwhile, materialized on the island of Maxos. Long time listeners might remember Maxos as the island where Thesius and his crew abandoned Ariadne after their escape from Crete. We tell this story in our episode called Thesius and the Minotaur. Exactly. And who do you think he just happened to run into while on the island of Maxos? I just told you that. Well, yeah, but I was going to do like a dramatic reveal when you know I'm like, Princess Ariadne of Crete, of course. He was just walking through the jungle when he ran into a young mortal woman building herself a shelter between two trees. And yes, she seemed very surprised to see him.

15:34I thought there was no one else on this island. I just got here, said Dionysus. What's your name? He asked her. I am Ariadne, she replied. And I'm trying to figure out how to build a shelter. Any chance this is something you have any experience with? Dionysus definitely did not, as he had never had to take shelter a day in his life. But he said he'd give it a shot anyway, and the two worked together for a while. Eventually, Ariadne opened up about how she'd gotten stuck on the island in the first place. Theseus had left her there after she had defied her father and helped him escape the labyrinth on Crete. While it's unclear whether or not Theseus left Ariadne on purpose, it was certainly a rude and irresponsible oversight to leave her behind in Naxos. You are 100% right. If it wasn't for Ariadne, Theseus would still be stuck in that labyrinth.

16:34It's very true. And since Theseus had abandoned her, Ariadne had been living on Naxos, all alone, taking care of herself, hoping to find a way to get off the island. You are very brave Dionysus, said. Well, brave doesn't keep the rain off my head, and so building a shelter it is. Then all I have to do is figure out how to feed myself. Ariadne said, Well, I can teach you how to grow grapes, Dionysus offered. Well, that's a start for sure. And the two set about creating a place for Ariadne to live, and through the process, fell unexpectedly in love. They went on to have a very happy life together filled with fun, laughter, and the occasional animal transformation. It wasn't long before Dionysus asked Ariadne to marry him, and the couple had one of the happiest marriages in all of Greek mythology. I am glad Ariadne got her happy ending.

17:35She deserved better than a life of isolation. But I hope she is a fan of cats. Yeah, but if she wasn't before, she is meow. Get it? She is meow instead of now. Get it? Oracle? Oracle? That's it. I'm out of here. Oh, come on. What are you getting so upset for? It's not like it's a big catastrophe. I wasn't lying or anything. We could just press pause if you want. Oh, come on. Where's your sense of humor? Come on. Grinking out. Thanks for listening. Next episode, we kick off an epic series. So stay tuned. Grinking out, causing heroes amazing feats. Listen, then you'll see it's breaking out.

18:38This episode of National Geographic Kids Grinking Out is written by Gillian Hughes and Kenny Curtis, and hosted by Kenny Curtis. Tory Curr is the Oracle of Wi-Fi, audio production and sound designed by Scotty Beam, and our theme song was composed by Perry Grip. Dr. Mayor to the saffron is our subject matter expert, Emily Burkett and Laurie Broda are our producers, and Emily Everhart is our senior producer. What if the fairy tales you thought you knew weren't the real stories? What if I told you that the real grim fairy tales were often dark and scary and gross, and that I was telling them on grim, grim, grimist to a classroom full of kids who liked and erupt me and make jokes and annoy me and basically make my life miserable? Season 6 of grim, grim, grim, grimist is now releasing exclusively on the Pinnah app. So do you want to hear a real grim fairy tale?