David Homan, Author of Orchestrating Connection | Building Meaningful Networks & Community Principles

0:00Welcome to another episode of The Brand Called You, a one-casten podcast show that brings you leadership lessons, knowledge, experience and wisdom from thousands of successful individuals from around the world. I'm your host Ashutosh Garg and today I'm delighted to welcome a very senior and accomplished professional and an author from New York, USA, Mr. David Hormann, David, welcome to the show. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you. David is an author of a book titled, Orchestrating Connection and we'll be speaking about his book today. So, David, before we come to your book of few questions for you, you describe yourself as a lifelong connector, yet also speak candidly about moments of professional disappointment. What personal experiences most shaped your understanding of connection as a discipline rather than a personality trait? It's always a good question to answer to talk about my worst moment in my life, which

1:04was when I was 12. I got very sick. I was playing a sports game. I blacked out. I woke up. I was in the hospital nine months later back and forth to home, such a phobia of needles. I can't really donate blood unless I have to. I was left this awkward middle schooler who didn't really have friends was in a new place and everyone knew me as the sick kid. And that ruined my entire psychology of how I saw myself to others. To this day, I might be now an author and a founder and all these things, but you still sit with those demons in your formative years. Absolutely. And everything I've done since has been to understand how people see me, not how I see myself. Amazing. And you know, this one you told me about this, one of the challenges you faced when you asked for unwell, but was there a specific failure or a moment of loneliness that forced you to rethink how relationships actually work?

2:04Yes. Now, I'll be clear, it wasn't a failure on my part, but everyone assumed it was because I was in charge of a foundation at that time, housing bubble recession. The world is falling apart globally and little foundation that I had run that had millions of dollars in assets. I'd been the CEO for several years. We lost all our money to the Bernie made-off Ponzi scheme. Wow. Invested in the 90s, one of our board members had been on the NASDAQ with made-off. This was about as trusted as you could get and in retrospect, everyone will tell you they should have known. But many of the richest people on the planet didn't know, neither did we. I went to what I thought my network was, which were people who I'd help get jobs at foundations, individuals who had been full anthropist or I said, let me introduce you to this person they did a business deal. I went on to the network that I thought I had given value to. I didn't hear anything back. Did you?

3:04Yeah. And then I realized networking was self-serving when it was working through somebody and it was on mark, right? If I'm focused on philanthropy in this specific part of India and you should be about something that's happening in Hong Kong, I don't care. Correct. And therefore, transaction over. But if I have nothing to do with helping in this case, one of my friend's charities, which helps young girls in India starting with their maternal health, then what starts to happen is, I help that person with that. Expectation and return, my network is diverse because of it. And then the next moment that person goes, you know who you should talk to? This arts philanthropist in New York, you don't know who's in my circle, not yours. Once I realized that networking with diversity, with curiosity and vulnerability was the key, took five years to be clear. This was not an overnight. I had suddenly built what made me feel less lonely, made me more purposeful and successful,

4:05which is what I call orchestrated connecting, which is my private, global community of people that would now proudly call themselves connectors. Wow. What a great response. Thank you for sharing this. And I can imagine the made-off scan gate really impacted a lot of people, but you're the first person who was actually impacted. Thank you for sharing this that I know. My next question, David, is at what point did you realize that you're way of connecting people could be systematized and taught rather than remaining an intuitive skill? So I'll say a few things, right? One, I think most people do events wrong. They do events as if the extrovert needs to own the room. The world is really best connected through introverts and people with empathy who want intimacy while also holding power. And you can't make it intro to 30 people, you can make it intro one to one. And so I started with an event, this is 10 years ago now, I've now done 200 on a global

5:09scale plus virtual. And everyone who comes comes in often with this psychology. They are the most connected person they've ever met. Everyone always asks them for favors for introductions. They have capacity to get to Ray Dalio and Steven Spielberg and Aiway, wait, whomever it might be, and I look at them and I go, well, what do you need? I build trust. And then I deliver an action to them when most people ask them to help others. And when you do events right and you take actions right, what really happens is you do community right. And everyone talks about it. I'm in this community, I'm in this network and I say, okay, how much are you giving and how much are you getting? And in my network, it's this beautiful way of giving without an expectation of return because you know when you haven't asked, you've really built that quote, karma up, but in a systematic way, a way where you're valued without thinking, can I help you? Can you help me only when you do that at a scale with the people who believe they are

6:12at the top? It doesn't make me the top. It makes the system something that functions. And now I've taken this from sold-out events in New York to global events, to a best-selling book, to launching a startup to solve this relationship CRM and trust-based tech problem, all with the goal of doing one thing which is very unsophisticated. It's how do I get out of the way so you can meet the right person you're supposed to meet than I trust. Amazing. Thank you. Let's now move to your book, David, orchestrating connection. And before I ask you a question, I'm going to ask all our viewers and listeners to go and check out David Homan's book, orchestrating connection. So my first question for your book, David, is that you draw a sharp distinction between networking and connection. What is the most damaging myth people still hold about networking today? People believe if they get their pitch correct and they do it perfectly, they will succeed.

7:18It doesn't work. We'll take out of the business context, right? Think about years ago when we were both younger, we went on a date and the most beautiful person we've ever seen that our heart is aching for is in front of us. And we do our pitch about us perfectly. And they don't call back. Yep. And you think what did I do wrong? And the answer is you did nothing wrong except for you chose not to listen. You chose not to have empathy. You chose not to have vulnerability. You chose to not make them feel valued. And people think when they network perfect, they get that moment. They walked up to Ray Dolly when they said, I did my pitch and he heard me. And I'm thinking, great, well, you walked by me and I work for him for several years. And his kids and their daughters or people, I know, you know, decently well, some very well. Why'd you walk by me to try to pitch somebody who gets pitched a thousand times a day? You didn't even read his book. You didn't try and do it. You didn't meet the people who then people get that wrong because they think they're moment is the moment in front of them, not the relationship they build to put them in

8:20front of the right people at the right time. Very interesting. Why did you choose the metaphor of orchestration rather than leadership or management to describe your approach? Well, the other thing people can do besides Google or get my book is they can say to Alexa or to go on Apple and say, please play the music of David Homan. Okay. I am a classical composer. I have seven albums publicly available. I've written over 200 works. I've been playing piano since I was four writing since I was 12. I started composing, not coincidentally, the year I got sick. And so I'm a fully fledged musician and it's not a hobby. It's not a career as a composer. You live in between until you die than everyone goes, oh, they were so great. But when you try to find the resonance between people, which is what connection is and you try to find the resonance into somebody's soul, which is writing the right piece of music is, it's the same thing.

9:22It's getting people on the save wavelength or bringing them to it through a work or a body of work. Well said. Well said. People argue that community building begins with personal clarity. Why do so many successful people struggle to articulate what they actually need? You know, this is the biggest conundrum because the people who are the best listeners and the best givers have such a hard time acting with ego, even though everyone else would want to help them based on how they act and how they are in this world. And those that have the ego without the substance, the world of takers, so to speak, which I cover at the end of the book, 14 others, actually 16 different types of them. If you can't articulate what you need, you miss your moment. And if you're so good at doing it for other people, then why wouldn't you want to spend the work having built a community, a purposeful community around you to be ready for that moment for when your champions advocate, advocate for you.

10:26And then when you're not in the room, they get you in the room. And then that pitch to whomever it might be is warm, is accepted, and you're ready for it. Great response. David, diversity is your first principle yet often created superficially. What kind of diversity truly strengthens a community? So think about that time you went on vacation with your family and you went to a country where you ate only the same food for seven days. At the end of that time, did you really want any more of that? I loved being in Greece. I loved being on the islands there with one of my best friends after the fifth day of eggplant or fish or olives. I was craving anything. Yes. And so when we think of our network, right, I always like to take this out of business, right? If you sit with the world of people who act like you look like you talk like you have the same titles with you, there might be a great peer group there, but it doesn't add to the power of your network.

11:28When we talk about that second formative experience coming out of made off, I did, but everyone literally said was stupid. They said, you have no time. You have to fundraise for this chair to keep it in your job alive. And I said, I'm going to go to a women's health event. Yeah. A black and brown entrepreneurship event, a mental health event. And I'd meet one person there, one guy who's an incredible philanthropist, Indian businessman and actual prasar, became my friend through a next gen network. He had started off in music and then got into technology. His father was a very successful real estate, a mogul in Chicago. This big guy became like a brother to me. Our kids are the same age, we're really close from the music world. And then I go out to events, not focused on India and philanthropy and somebody says, well, there's this horrible thing going on with like 11 to 13 year old girls were the minute they start to have their periods. They don't go to school because there's no place for them to have privacy every month.

12:29And I said, well, you need to talk to my friend. And that is one of his major philanthropies is a charity that helps solve that for tens of thousands of girls by building a room near a school for a girl to have privacy when she starts to menstruate. And so next gen, India entrepreneurship, I'm in Jewish and arts, those don't overlap except for the power that has come from our mutual friendship over 12 years now is way more diverse than what would have happened if I focused on are you in New York? Are you Jewish? Are you in arts, which was the network I needed at that time? Well said, vulnerabilities presented as a strategic strength rather than an emotional risk. Where do most leaders misunderstand vulnerability? So there's two answers to that, right? There's the strategic one, which is you don't want to show weakness when you're a leader

13:30because we've all been taught that weakness is not a strength as you just said, right? I'm a global leader in my world, in my network. And this past fall, my father fell ill for the last time, went to the hospital, went into hospice, he passed away early December last year. The fact you say that instantly makes me want to help you more because as I led my organization, raised money for my startup, started with this out from this best selling book. When I shared that with people and people nodded and then they said, so are you free Thursday to meet? Can you get me to so and so? I instantly cut them out of my life because the strength of it isn't just being vulnerable. It's understanding how somebody would respond to it and therefore whether you would spend more time and build more trust, create opportunity together or not. And in saying that, right, I said this to my entire network. I posted it on LinkedIn, on Instagram, things no one talks about just who wants to talk

14:34about death or losing a parent. I met over 800 authentic and credible responses that made me feel more valuable. And one of them with a woman who I canceled on four times last minute, back to Florida, dad's in hospice, back to Florida, surgery, may not wake up. She started to write me every couple of days checking in. She told me nothing about herself. She was there for me. By the time we jumped on a call mid-December, I already would do anything that she asked. Very interesting. Very interesting. And she's a billionaire. And she's mission driven doing a project that will help one of my friends and just wanted to help me street strategic ROI value. But we both feel good with whatever outcome may come because we built a bond first. If I hadn't have shared and been vulnerable, the opportunity would never have manifested. Amazing.

15:36And next question for you is generosity in your framework is non-transaction. How can people practice generosity without becoming resentful? You know, that's a great question because the answer is you can't. You become resentful. Because when you put out more in the world than you take in, that delta, no matter how much reward you get and how much help you get, if you feel you are a natural giver, which is everyone in my community, you are always wondering why other people don't get it. Now, you can come to that piece of mind that you look at the fact everyone is struggling, everyone is doing their best. It is not personal. But that is hard to have even for the most conscious and enlightened in my network. And I still have resentment for certain things. But what I go back to is, if you are generous to be generous and the valuation of that generosity is the outcome, stop your psychology there as thinking there should be more from it for you.

16:39Because if you're doing it because you want something more from that action, it's not truly generous. And when you take what I've done, which is thousands of these actions every single year, I'm not measuring that ROI based on how much came back to me. What I'm understanding is, you know, I sat with two friends for a lunch last week in New York. And this woman, you know, pretty successful woman in the world of mental health, she goes, just you know, everyone I mentioned your name to says they trust you, they love you, they'll help you. She's like, never met a person for which it's a hundred percent that. Some people aren't that sure. And she's like, the only way you've done that is through leading with generosity and gratitude and not asking anything after you help somebody. Amazing. Thank you. David, how can your framework be applied by someone who is not running a formal community or an organization? The fallacy that you have to be a convener to have a community that you have to be the person

17:42you can get in front of the room with the microphone and have everyone grateful you brought them there is part of the failure of how we view community. Every single person listening has a community. You have your closest people, you have the people that work, people who you know through kids, neighbors, people you used to work with. The difference, and this is why my colleague Noah asked if I wrote this book, this isn't just about trying to get to some famous human being or getting all the money that you need. If we had more and more interconnected purposeful communities meaning your network, my network, everyone listening, everyone who's participated in the thousands of podcasts that you've done, if we were more intentional and purposeful with everyone around us and ourselves, would we have as many challenges as we currently have in this world? That is my belief of what changes the framework in the system. You don't have to have an outcome that is, I wanted to be a CEO or a Bollywood star.

18:45What you have to have is an outcome that says, the sum of the people around me make me greater as I make them great, what's next together? It's an abundance mindset that comes from understanding everything we spend our time on. It's not for time to money, it's for relationships. Absolutely. That is really the ultimate currency on this planet. Well said. What does orchestrated connection look like inside families and not just professional circles? Most people of my network, when they talk to me, they'll go, oh my God, my husband's been telling me for years I'm wasting my time making all these intros or somebody else going, my son started out, he became greater than me, he built a network, I didn't know what networking was. And so when you were doing this internally, your core community is your family. Now, families are complicated, sometimes families are together because they have to be. But they are the people who know you the best. But when you do community right and family right,

19:50you can strengthen your family with people who are like family who are not blood. And when you do that right, it actually adds the diversity of your family often strengthening that actual familial tie with it. Now, a community and a family are different. But every community I know that has one or more family members in it, which includes mine, which has mothers and daughters and siblings and one has a grandparent and grandson. They might be family, but when they show up here, they're equals, which is a very different dynamic than often what happens in a family home, which has more of a hierarchy to it. Amazing. I have time for two more questions for you. You argue for a give-give mindset. How does this challenge dominant models of success and competition? So when somebody says win-win, yeah, that's not really relative. Somebody is winning more than somebody else. When I talk with you and you talk with me,

20:54then maybe I can recommend other podcast guests that we'd be great for you or somebody listens to this and buys my book or invest in my startup. We might view that as a win-win, but a give-give is different. What if you give to me this honor of being on your podcast? As everyone listening should know, the most distributed number, everything global. And what if somebody listening for that then gains value for me to help somebody else? That is the difference of give-give. It is not transactional, even if something happens from it. But when I've seen now in the system of this is, when you look three to five years down the line, somebody could hear this, somebody could buy my book. That person could call up a couple of my buddies who are some of the most ultra-high-net-worth Indians on the planet. And suddenly, I'll just throw my friend Lavanya on the bus, like suddenly the Hinduja family is doing an event with me in New Delhi with you. It's great for you. It's great for me. It's great for them,

21:56but one of them is like my friend. We do reflect solid sheet together, and she tells me where the best foot rep is in London, and I tell her where the best one is in New York, and now we go. And we don't know the outcome of that. And then four years from now, you message me on WhatsApp and you go, I'm at episode, I won't make you too tired, not 4,000, 3500. Do you know who I have? And I go, no, and you tell me your idol of a guest who happened to be friends with that person, you met through my friend four years prior. We can't visualize this, so we think that we giving and giving isn't worth it. But once you start to understand that the outcome of story from this is a random change of chain of connections that was not that random, that when you imbue it with honor and generosity, eventually has an outcome. If, as per your question earlier, you actually have stated what you actually need. Well said. And my last question for you, David, if someone

23:02adopted only one practice from your book, orchestrating connection, which would create the greatest immediate impact. You know, that is probably the hardest question I've been asked. It's okay, not with this book, because the whole argument of the book is that it's a system of all five. Correct. And there are great studies on why being more curious is really valuable. Why acting with gratitude for your life creates stronger ties by being generous makes you feel more fulfilled. By adding diversity, you get strategy, but I would say it's vulnerability. The thing people shy away from unless they have to. And I already gave the example for everyone listening of what happened related to my father, but I am a living example of what happens when you actually are authentic and just put it out there in a way that is tasteful and not the what we'd say in America is verbal diarrhea. How many people listening have lost the parent? How many people listening have

24:03gotten divorced? How many people listening are scared for their kid and his or her level of anxiety they're facing? How many people are worried as they're building a business that will go under and they'll be a failure? Like these are the things I'm sitting with today for all of those. Those that is my current day as I'm a successful author with a fully, nearly fully funded startup for the next round with a global network. All these accolades and I live and breathe that too. What's the harm in starting with that and seeing who resonates with you? It is the hardest one to do because the fear of how people react and what we think people will say is greater than the reality of how they respond, even if it's a crappy response. Amazing. And on that note, David, I just want to say what a fascinating conversation this has been with you. I think we covered some very interesting ground. Networking, connections is something everyone desires but not everyone is able to understand

25:04not just how to make a connection but how to retain the connection so that there is, as you say, very correctly, a gift given both the people's relationships. Thank you for talking to me about your principles. We are only able to cover three of them but I'm sure when people buy your book they will be able to see there are so much more interesting stuff happening and there's so much more to learn from your book. Thank you for speaking to me and good luck to you. Thank you so much. It's been a pleasure. Thank you. Thank you for listening to the brand called You Video Cast and Podcast. A platform that brings you knowledge, experience and wisdom of hundreds of successful individuals from around the world. Do visit our website www.tbcy.in to watch and listen to the stories of many more individuals. You can also follow us on YouTube, Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Just search for the brand called You. You can follow us on YouTube, Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Just search for the So, into the bridal to the Juniors Vain court you, blind, cold, you, Our blind, cold, you, your blind, cold, you, your blind, cold, you, your blind, cold