Daughters Are Struggling. Here's What They Need From Us with Psychologist Dr. Shefali

0:00This episode of The Oprah Podcast is presented by our partner, GaiKo. Today we're talking about the specific difficulties in raising daughters in today's world. Parents are in a new era now. It's not the same. They have to become humble and begin listening to what our children are telling us. And they are in pain. They're feeling the pressure of knowing too much, too soon, or being too overexposed and too over-sexualized. Your daughter now is on a platform where it's a global curation of over-perfection. Being presented to her as an ideal right now with the filters, now with the like button. She's living disconnected, disembodied, dislocated, and that girl is easy prey for predation. Instead of wanting your daughters to be good, you want your daughters to be heard. Yes, yes. You want to train them to use their voice and not just be good. So their voice that speaks to them first.

1:01We must allow our daughters to lead the way for their own self-direction, for their own destiny. Hello. It is just my pleasure to welcome you once again to The Oprah Podcast. I'm so glad to be back on my front porch with one of my favorite parenting experts, spiritual leader, teachers, world renowned clinical psychologists, and New York Times best-selling author, Dr. Schaffali. On a prior episode, we talked about the new challenges that so many of you as parents are facing, raising children in this modern era, and we focused on Dr. Schaffali's book called Raising Conscious Sons, cultivating purpose, connection, and inner power in a chaotic world. We can all feel how necessary that book is. Check out that episode if you have not already. And now, today we're talking about the specific difficulties in raising daughters in today's world. Dr. Schaffali's book is called Raising Conscious Daughters, Building Confidence, Courage, and Inner Power in an anxious world.

2:10I think we can feel how much this book is needed also for our girls in the world. You have to do too. Why? I had to write two books because we are in a very unique, unprecedented cultural turning point. And our children are being raised in a world that is increasingly misaligned to provide them the nourishment for their neurological developmental, psychological, spiritual needs. And I felt I had to write two books because boys and girls, and this is not about gender dichotomy, this is not about a binary, of course, you can read one book and see more of your son in the daughters in vice versa. But I wrote two books because boys and girls go through very specific, precise, and different developmental trajectories, hormonal landscapes, and culture exploits them very differently.

3:10Wow. I asked you this on the other episode before. Give us a quick refresher for those who are not familiar with what it means to be a conscious parent because we first became friends. I was introduced to your book, Conscious Parenting, and I was so struck by that because I'd done so much work with Eckhart Toley. And you, to me, seemed like the Eckhart Toley for parenting and turns out that's what you said to your publisher when you presented that book. Yes, Eckhart talks about presence, attunement, stillness, and recognizing the projections from our own wounds. Well, who does that more than parents? We constantly project on to our children, our unmet needs, our unfulfilled expectations, our fantasies, and we cast our children into our movie as if they were our object because they are ours. And so, Conscious Parenting is a movement that is my answer to the toxicity of the traditional parenting model

4:15which treats children as our objects. And parents are doing it, and sometimes, you know, you hear those words, it feels like I'm sure a lot of parents didn't take it well at first when they were reading this about themselves and the Conscious Parent. And they don't see themselves as creating a problem because they're doing it out of love. I, who've never had my own children, did this with, I remember one of my girls from South Africa came to the United States. I remember the night, I might have shared this with you before, I remember the night that she got into Wellesley. And I always wanted to go to Wellesley. She didn't want to go to Wellesley, but I wanted to go to Wellesley. And I talked her into going to Wellesley, and she ended up having a miserable time, feeling isolated and disconnected, and never felt like she belonged. And that was a huge turning point lesson for me in projecting what I wanted onto her.

5:19And I learned, because I've now put over 800 girls through college, is to let them live their lives and have their own will about whatever it is they choose. And I have literally released it. I have surrendered whatever anyone becomes. I try to provide, you know, an opportunity and open door. Yes. And so, and I learned that from you. I learned that from Conscious Parenting. Parents get so afraid to release trust and autonomy onto their children, because they were not raised with autonomy, trust and sovereignty. They were raised with control. And most of us are. So, we, our love language is control, is possession. Because we think we are supposed to. Because we think we're supposed to. We don't know any other way. And we've never been tuned in to listen to our own sovereign spirit. So, we don't know how to gift that to our children. And it's so interesting. I was talking to one of your friends, Pilar, recently, who said that even though you were her best friend, and you are very close, that she didn't realize until you wrote the book Conscious Parenting, that she was doing that in her own relationship with her son, forcing her son, many of you may recognize this, forcing her son to have piano lessons.

6:33And he hated it. Right. From the most benign, go kiss grandma, and the child is like, I don't want to kiss grandma, she smells. Right. From the pushing of the child from that to play an instrument, because I want you to play an instrument or excel in school, where your hair like this and go into a beauty pageant, because you look so cute. Get married to this person, follow my God, all the way to sexual exploitation and trafficking. It's all the same through line of objectifying our children, commodifying them and using them to fulfill our ego, our unbridled ego. So these books are my interruption to the pipeline of raising insecure girls to become self abandoning women, raising lost boys to become predating men. These books are my interruption of that pipeline. In the beginning of raising conscious daughters, you write a wake up call letter to parents, you say, as both a psychologist and a mother, let me say this plainly, I am deeply troubled by what I see unfolding in girlhood across the industrialized world for one simple reason. This is not the way we should be raising our daughters. What are you seeing?

7:45I could cry because I am a girl inside me and I am raising a daughter and our daughter's ecosystem, their neurochemistry is so finely tuned to relational nuance, so sensitive to cues from each other. They build their identity girls more than boys and I'm not saying boys can't do this, but more so than boys girls are primed to develop an identity based within the world. I am the container of a face to face eye to eye relationship. That's how they discover who they are. Now you're putting these very sensitive fine tuned forks into the tornado and hurricane and tsunami of constant the algorithm, the feed comparison, perfectionism, feeling bullied, feeling objectified, over sexualized, early sexualization. I'm saying that butterfly and she's lost in that tsunami and that's why, over out there to the stats, I'll just rattle them off because they're alarming. One in three girls are anxious anxiety disorder. Depression has doubled in the last decade, anxiety has doubled in the last decade, it's in the last decade since the advent of technology, which is hijacking their attention and consuming their sense of self.

9:09So that's doubled. One in five girls by the age of 18 has self harmed, self harm has risen 188% since 2010. Wow. That means girls cutting self harm, eating disorders, suicidal ideation up 60% in the last decade. One in four girls by the age of 18, and this won't come as a surprise, I've been dealing with this, has had sexual violence or sexual abuse. One in two has been cyber bullied. So now you take a girl whose intricate brain that has amazing neural bridges between the left and right hemisphere, she can talk about her feelings, she feels more deeply and can access her feelings more deeply because of her neurochemistry. You know, estrogen finally tunes her oxytocin and turns it on so her bonding hormone is right there. And estrogen does that. She's primed for, you know, becoming a victim and pray to these forces that are constantly telling her she's not good enough. She needs to be more. She is not perfect. You know, the filters. I don't know how, how y'all are doing it out there raising young girls because I think with the social media,

10:26and the pressure, I mean, I look at my feed and I never end up feeling better about myself. How can you and women, I'm sorry to say, need to take some responsibility because we are perpetuating the same climate of perfectionism that besieges us, that entrap us. Yeah, well, that's why one of the things I so appreciated and felt so compelling in raising conscious daughters is this letter you created a hypothetical letter from a 16 year old girl to her parent that really is a compilation of hundreds of conversations that you've had with your clients with your patients of all ages over the years. So I want you all to listen to this. Maybe this will resonate with you. This could be your daughter. You tell me to trust you, but I don't feel safe too. You tell me to love my body, but I've never heard you say one kind word about yours.

11:28You tell me to find love, but I see how many of you stay in relationships that seem loveless and dull. You tell me to speak my truth, but then you tell me to calm down when I do. You want me to find purpose and joy, but I watch you burning out. You want me to accept myself just as I am, but then I never see you okay with yourself, like ever. You always look stressed and like you are in a bad mood. It's all so confusing, Mom. You want to know the truth about why I act the way I do. I'm really scared most of the time. I don't really know how to believe in myself. Everything feels warped and shaky. I know that what I see is based on what I saw last in my feed and not the truth, and this freaks me out. I want to know the truth, but I cannot find it anywhere. When you are growing up, you could just trust the news at least. But now, none of us can rely on anything to be real. Most things are not, and that is an awful feeling. So you wrote that letter as a composite because this is what the girls are sharing with you for themselves.

12:31They're trying to tell the moms and dads, hey, just because you are an adult now and you went through teenagehood, what I'm going through is something that you don't know. So do not tell me, oh, when I was your age, when I was 21, this is what I did because I'm growing up in a world that you don't recognize. So at least have the humility to know that you don't know. That's where we all need to start. That's why I wrote these books. My seventh and eighth book because parents are in a new era now. So whatever we knew before, it's not the same. We have to become humble and begin listening to what our children are telling us and they are in pain. They're feeling the pressure of knowing too much too soon of being overexposed. Yes. They're overexposed and too oversexualized. And this is robbing them of their rightful childhood. She knows that her feed is curated to her desires and insecurities. It's complete manipulation. So she believes that these girls know that what they're seeing isn't even real anymore.

13:34It's just for them to exploit them, they're in security. You want to travel to the mountains, now your feed will be full of that. The giling you, the juicing you to go travel. You only have to say it in your phone and then you have to say it. You only have to say it. You only have to say it. You only have to say it in your phone and then you have to say it. Yes. And the same is for cult ideology. The same is for toxic masculinity, misogyny. Misogyny's stick messages are coming through her phone and into her brain and she's not ready to process it. She has no language for it. But she's been told she's an object way before she even realizes that she's a body that she can own. Yeah, she's been objectified. Yes. And our daughters will look to the women around them because their mirror neurons are so activated that they will identify with the modeling that we provide as women. And that's why I teach mothers more than anyone. If you want to raise sovereign daughters, you have to learn to self-love. And if you continue in your self-loathing and if you're at war with your body and if you are always in the land of more and more and never enough, your daughters are absorbing that.

14:38So you have to, you owe it to your daughter to heal and to hold us. But don't you, you also say in raising conscious daughters that that's where we are with girls now that we are in the land of more and more and more and more. Yes. And you know, it's one thing to put pressure on our children. We've always done that. But it's another thing when your daughter now is on a platform where it's a global curation of over perfection being presented to her as an ideal right now with the filters now with the like button. So now it's become a constant audition there. She's always auditing. She's never herself. She's always the persona and never the essence. And she's living disconnected, disembodied, dislocated and that girl is easy prey for predation. She's easily manipulated because she's being told who to be before she ever has her whole life manipulating herself. Yes. You're spinning all your time manipulating. Right. I call it the perception prison. She's in this perception prison where she herself is the prisoner and the warden to her own essence.

15:45That's why I think this is such an important book and raising sons because whether you are raising daughters or sons or not, you will see yourself in these stories. Yes. Our listeners tell us that the podcast is resonating with you and is serving as a bright spot in your day. That means a lot to me. So here's the thing. I would really appreciate it if you like and subscribe to the Oprah podcast on YouTube or wherever you podcast. It's just a quick tap of the subscribe button. And that way you won't miss an episode in your queue. You don't have to pay anything. I know subscribe usually means you're paying something but this time it means you just are notified when there's something new. There are many more to come that we're excited about. So thank you for watching and listening. Those of you watching the Oprah podcast or listen to us, you know every story we share, every guest we welcome is chosen with purpose. And when people share their stories, we're reminded that we're not alone in this journey called life.

16:46As the official insurance partner of the podcast, the folks at Dicol understand that the way we move through life and who we move through it with matters. And I know that life starts to move even faster as a new school year begins. All teams get underway. The calendar fills up whether you're waiting in the school pickup line, loading up the car for a weekend, get away. Taking a quiet drive home after a hard day or cheering on your son or daughter from the sidelines. These moments remind us the road is not always a straight line. Dicol is there with insurance designed to help keep you covered along the way. Because life happens and with the right support, we all just keep driving forward. And that dear listener is everything. And we have parents of daughters joining us. Christina is zooming in from Michigan. Hi, Christina. Hi, hi there. Hi. Dr. Shusay Hyokra. I'm so grateful for your focus and attention on this topic. I have three daughters.

17:47They're 15 year old twins and a 12 year old daughter. And I feel like what I once knew to be true about parenting no longer applies at all. Honestly, I feel really lost. I feel like I'm constantly rerouting and recalculating my approach. These girls are growing up in a world of individualism, capitalism, social division, materialism. It's non-sat pressure. Like you've said, Dr. Shafali and comparison and always striving for the unattainable dopamine addiction from their social scrolling just continues to fuel that materialism. And every week there's a new brand or object or thing that they need to have. And not to mention all the scary news in the world and events that are currently taking place. So it's all just too much. And I've watched my little girls grow from these happy young girls into really anxious, overwhelmed, anxiety-medicated, attending therapy just to get out of bed in the morning and go to school.

18:55And it doesn't feel right. They've been raised in a really loving and supportive household with two parents and their smart girls. They have friends. They're athletic. But it doesn't seem like that's enough anymore because of all the external pressure. And so with all that pressure, I feel like I am constantly bailing them out, rescuing them, making accommodations for them with no consequences. Things my mother would never have done. And I'm finding myself self-safening. Give us an example. Sure. Yeah, absolutely. So I think we all have the instance where a child forgot something at school and you're going to bring it to them. Right. Once in a while that happens. I feel like any ask they make, they forgot their homework, they forgot their lunch, they're cold. I am picking up these things and rushing off to school. I'm disrupting my day. I'm disrupting my week because I see it a baseline just how anxious they are at all times that I'm trying to like hold them together and scaffold around them and keep them going throughout their day.

20:05And I'm almost embarrassed to admit some of the things that I'll continue to buy for them or experiences I'll give to them, having a personal trainer. Because guess what, their friends do and they're afraid they're going to fall behind in their sports team because they're not running as fast as the girls. And I am embarrassed. Like it truly feels like I have to do this from a deep like maternal instinct and my question for you really is, how do I start to let go at this age. Natural consequences are very important. Right. But this anxiety. Right. So you have so much anxiety also that they're falling apart. Right. And I do not blame you. I just had a 15 year old. My daughter is now 23. So I totally understand the pressures that you feel as a mother because they are feeling all this pressure to keep up to be perfect to be something. So we buy we borrow we we do anything to buttress a flailing sense of self. But here's where we are part of the pattern. Right. And you know this. It doesn't feel good to you because you you know you're being pulled against your will.

21:13But that's what our daughters are. They've been pulled against their will. We are being swept by the undertow of a materialistic consumeristic culture that we all are feeling helpless with. So what do we do? Yeah. And what is she really teaching her daughters by giving in to every single thing that they ask what is she really teaching what she's really teaching them that yes, your personal trainer matters for your identity. Yes, getting into that team matters for yourself worth right. We're actually we're doing the very thing that is actually going to keep taking from them. It's it's it's a never ending cycle because that's how they've got us hooked and they've got us parents anxious because our girls are in a panic attack. I do not blame her. They come to her and they're screaming crying. They're having a meltdown. She's afraid they're going to self harm if she doesn't give them the car or the gift of the jewelry because all the friends are being bathed in this ocean, this current of anxiety, panic, perfectionism, hyper exposure. I mean, it's girls are at a different level because their attunement to culture is even more. So we have to scaffold them. So now you think you're scaffolding them by buying them that purse, by buying them that vacation or whatever that mobile.

22:28But here's the thing you're actually feeding the monster because you are teaching them that yes, they're worth means that they should look beautiful and fit in. So what do we do as parents very hard, not saying it's easy. And I talk about the pillar of anti fragility in the book. It is so important for us as parents to make them anti fragile. What does that mean? We have to teach them that they will be okay even if they fall apart. But see, I know what this mother is experiencing. She's like, no, they won't be okay. They won't be okay. So let me pump them with the drug, whatever the drug of the day is. And this is where she's codependent and she's enabling. And I don't blame her. I've done this myself because we're so worried. So we're anxious, they're anxious. So we keep feeding and giving the drug. How do you break the cycle? How do you break it is to realize that we are the teaching of resilience and anti fragility comes from the falling apart comes from the rock bottom moment. Even with my clients, I wait for rock bottom, not because I'm sadistic because I know that it is only when you see yourself at rock bottom and see yourself able to handle it.

23:43That you build the anti fragility and the resilience. So what we're doing is protecting the rock bottom from getting to rock bottom. So we never believe we're strong enough. So we keep feeding. We're stuck in this loop. You're in a loop, then a loop. You'll be millions of dollars, you know, poorer and nothing will change until you cut the loop and stop feeding the monster. So how does she do that? She has a talk with them, comes to comes to a coach like me and I'm off in the bad guy who says, we cannot feed the monster anymore. We are now drug addicted to the thing on the outside and we all have to detox the whole system has to detox and it is painful and scary, especially with anxious girls because you think they're going to self harm. They're going to cut themselves. They're going to harm themselves. But we cannot feed that beast because we're all afraid they're afraid of their own pain. We have to teach them that we cannot be afraid of pain. Pain is something that teaches us. It is our gift and our invitation. It's one of the things you also said about boys. So it applies to raising children period. I see that you have to let them know that if you fall apart, you will still be okay.

24:53And I'm here for you. We all have fallen apart. And we are together. And the relationship is strong enough. You see, you're not believing mom that your presence is more important than the purse and the shoes. The shoes and the purse are transitory and they're just momentary gratification. You can hold them through the falling apart. And you are going to be the one who will pull them through. So if you believe in yourself, they will fall apart. You're right. But that is how we detox the beast. It's really interesting because I thought we were at rock bottom when they wouldn't go to school and we wouldn't get out of bed. And we were going to therapy and taking these anti-anxiety meds. So I think rock bottom, like that felt like my rock bottom. Yeah. And obviously that's because you're in this loop. It means that it wasn't bottom enough. It's coming again. Now you're just buttressing it with things. And things are never going to teach them connection to the self. They have to face themselves at rock bottom.

25:59I saw you have a moment of recognition there. Things are never going to teach them connection to their self. Yeah. Yeah. And pain and pain does and pain does our ability to transcend and transform and alchemize pain teaches us connection to ourselves. No, but no parent wants their child to have to experience pain. Yes. Yes. Right. And what you said about control, equaling love. I mean, I think that's that is where I feel like I'm coming from. I'm trying to manage control their environment and help. And consciously, I weren't, you know, materialists. I know that doesn't. I think you're trying to control them falling apart. And yet falling apart is a very thing that will teach them self control. Oh, well, I'm grateful for that advice. That is a tough one to swallow. But you are certainly the person we need right now to start being more disruptive and sharing this information because it's it's hard. It's really very hard. Very hard.

26:59You're going to have so many a ha's and seeing yourself in the book and be and you'll be grateful for because one of the things that she does is offer a path forward, not just stating what the problem is, but offering a path forward. You can see your whoof that that hit your heart, but yeah, feels like the truth to me. I mean, it does. I feel a little like the reason why I hit you Christina is because you know inside yourself that what she's saying is true. 100% and you know, I just tied back together, but just briefly, ultimately, Christina, it's your little girl that wants to be a good mother that is actually unable to watch them fall apart because then you'd have to face that you can't control it all. You can't keep your kids happy. And that's actually not your job. Yeah, who? Yeah, the little girl in us that wants to be the best mom. This you over here because you're getting you're starting to get to me with these things. Oh, wow. All right. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you.

28:01Thank you. Hello, dear listener. Head over to the Oprah podcast Instagram to check out the takeaway presented by Geico. I'm really happy to tell you about my latest conversation with it. It's that quiet time I take after an interview where I can reflect on what sparked and what stuck with me. I love to share those takeaways with you all unbelievable. And Geico is proud to support these moments and the journeys they inspire with insurance designed to keep you covered and make life's road a little more manageable. So go to the Oprah podcast Instagram where you can check it out. Lisa is joining us from Illinois. Hi, Lisa. I hear you have twin girls in college. I do. Hi, Oprah. Hi, Dr. Shefali. Thank you so much. This is such an important conversation. I do. I have twin girls. They are 20. They are currently juniors in college. And they definitely grew up with anxiety as well from an early age all through high school.

29:05And what really has impacted them over the years is the comparison culture or social comparison that happens on Instagram and TikTok. But now in their junior year, there's a whole new pressure. They're all thinking about their careers post college. And what's really important for most of them is to get in internship right after their junior year. And so in particular for one of my daughters, I've noticed that she's starting to really struggle with LinkedIn because her feed is exactly what you're talking about, Dr. Shefali, where it's every single person that she is connected to on LinkedIn is consistently posting self promotional posts about all the achievements that they've received academically. Leadership positions that they've gotten in clubs. And now they're all in the process of posting all the internships that they've received. And this has put some incredible pressure on my daughter. And I notice comparison comparison comparison. And she is saying everybody has gotten an internship. And I have not gotten one yet.

30:23She used to be in high school. I think a perfectionist needed to have the straight A's. And now I see this all kind of falling apart and sort of blowing up. And what's happening now is she's actually withdrawing the question is, how do I help her through this? This is obviously a very critical time in her life. And how do I help her proceed in this environment without hurting herself worth. You see when she was a perfectionist in high school and was getting the good grades and the trophies, it was fine. And she got a lot of external validation. And we were all happy with that. But now you see these things mutate on themselves. We just don't see it coming too much perfectionism breeds over anxiety and the desperate desire to fit in. And your daughter basically is saying, if I'm not in the high school yearbook, right, LinkedIn is now become a great person. LinkedIn is now become like a high school yearbook, the most popular, the one with the most best job, the best raise, the best salary, the best title. And these are children we're talking about. They're not even formed. They are still in identity formation. But they believe they have to foreclose their identity. That's the pressure. The world puts on them that you better decide who you are, identify who you're going to be in high school. Right. Because that way they can prey on girls wanting to find. And because then if they want to find they'll go get training earlier.

31:49They'll join classes earlier. They'll spend more money to train themselves earlier than they should. So your daughter has been misguided by culture. And it's our job as parents to align them back to reality. Even if everybody's crazy on LinkedIn and everybody's saying that they need to be earning 100,000 by the time they're 18 years old and money matters so much and status matters. We are here to teach our daughters differently. And that's where you step in and you teach her that when she was winning the trophies and the medals and the good grades in high school. Actually, that was a tragedy because she was actually doing it to chase worth not out of worth. And most of us are chasing worth. We're not expressing worth. So she's doing all this just to fit in. So it is empty. And it's just not hitting her yet. She thinks that if she gets the fancy job and the diamonds and the cute boyfriend is going to give her worth. She's so lucky she's not fitting in because now she has to find her worth without all of this.

32:55But you see she's falling apart. That's what happens to us. The husband leaves us. We get a divorce. We put on 10 pounds. We fall apart because who we are has been so connected and mired with how we show up in the world or how we look. So this is your golden opportunity as a parent to teach her to move away from the toxic cultural messages and learn to discover her worth which is right there waiting for her within herself. So that means you can't buy into this either. You can't have a panic attack either. In fact, she shouldn't do an internship right now at all. And instead go to her own self school. Like go to school and learn about herself. Discover who she is. That's the school she needs to go to. The self discovery school. Yeah. Yeah. And so what if she doesn't get the job and she doesn't get the whatever the opportunity is. It's happened to every one of us in life. Right. And you don't get that one. You recover. You move on. You find strength from that. And when the next thing shows itself.

34:01It usually is an even better opportunity. Right. And nothing again. No, you know, that's how life works. Right. So that's so true. Yeah. For a girl like that. A platform is toxic. Not for everybody. But for a girl like that. She's very sensitive. So parenting needs to trump the platform. Yes. Right. The adult needs to trump the algorithm that makes so much sense. So much sense. Thanks Lisa. I hope it gives you some guidance. It does. Definitely so helpful. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. You say in raising conscious daughters. Girls have been socialized by the toxic patriarchy to compete with each other. Just as we're hearing your each one has been socialized to be prettier and smarter than the others to get the attention of the males around them. Patriarchy has always tried by turning women against one another. Mothers, especially must model something radically different. That's what you're saying. Yes. The greatest power the patriarchy has is in dividing us against each other.

35:08And in us competing with each other, which we are doing. And it is in our sorority and in our sisterhood that we will stand up to the toxic patriarchy. But if you're too busy fighting and competing with each other with our sisters, then patriarchy wins. We cannot blame the toxic male on the outside when we're being toxic with each other. And this is the thing. I mean, as you turn the pages of this book, raising conscious daughters, every sentence is a gem. I really appreciate this. And I know this is going to resonate with with our mothers. If I had to identify the single most corrosive condition shaping the mental health of our daughters today, it would be what I call the psychology of more. Will you break that down for us? Yes, we are in a pervasive oceanic turmoil of this culture of never good enough. It's never enough. So we have to always optimize. And the wellness industry is the leader of this. Like, make your bed. Have your mother do this. Do your Pilates. Have your protein. Go out to the sun. Do your sun salutations.

36:13I mean, it's it's a sneaky way to keep us never accepting who we are. This idea, this toxic positive idea of keep improving. It's a it's a hollow way of keeping us stuck in thinking there's a next self that's going to be happy. Because there's never enough. You're never enough. So one more and more. But how about look in the mirror, except that this is it wrinkles, cellulite, all of it. And this is enough. That's radical. India, a mom of two joins us. Welcome, India. What's going on? Hi. Hi. Thank you guys so much for having me. So I do have an 11 year old daughter. And I allowed her to get on TikTok. Only because of like the dance trains because her school friends were doing it. Her track friends were doing it. So I allowed her to get on there. And so I do monitor it. I make sure, you know, who she's following and her followers are people that I know.

37:14But recently I noticed that her algorithm changed to more about makeup and skincare and beauty enhancement. Just things that an 11 year old should not be worrying about. I want her to be like confident and comfortable in her skin and her natural beauty. I guess, you know, social media brings so much comparison. And so my question is basically, how can I guide her in like a healthy way, especially since we didn't grow up with social media at all. So I have nothing to go off of. So just very gently. I'm going to tell you and encourage you and challenge you to reconsider her being on TikTok altogether. Because no matter how you can maneuver and monitor the algorithm will outpace you. It is way smarter than you. It is watching your daughter's every move. It is noticing her every move. They're listening to her. They're watching her take a selfie and take it down because she's insecure about it.

38:16And they will pump her with beauty products because this is the new marketplace for commodities. That's why she's getting all the beauty products. Any pictures she's taken or taken down. It's like it's like having big brother watching you all the time right there. That's where we are. Yes. And you and I cannot fathom the influence it is having on your daughter's brain. It is beyond you. So I'm not saying that. Can I just interrupt to say that what one of the things you expressed in the raising conscious sons book is we've gone from the algorithm's wanting your attention to now wanting your complete attachment. That is what is happening. Yeah. And your daughter being on TikTok at this age is her attaching to a form of parenting that you are not going to be able to control. Yes. There is no consciousness in the computer code. There's no consciousness there. It is only exploitation for the purpose of profit.

39:18You would not do this in regular life. Do not do this. She is developing her identity at 11. You know, 11 is the turning point for most girls where they go from self-salebrating, self-honoring to a shroud of who they are within moments without the comparison. So the best gift you can give her is to tell her that you as a family, your values have changed. And you can bring her to a therapist to be the bad, quote unquote, bad guy. But you have to detox her from this, even if all her friends are on it. Yeah. Okay. You can make them all watch this. Yes. I know. I see you're not there yet. I see you're not there. I see you're like, well, yeah. I know what you're thinking, India. You're thinking it's going to be really hard now to get her off a TikTok because she's been on TikTok. But you're the parent. You're the mother. Yeah. Don't outsource your power to the platform. Yes. Yes. Agreed.

40:18And I will say it was such a drastic change with her Christmas list this year from the toys to literally just from Caramagot. At 11. Yeah. At 11. Yeah. So you already see it. Yeah. This is what's so interesting. This is what's so interesting. And I think you do a lot of this for warning in both of the books is that things that seem mild now at 11 by the time she's 14. If you don't assert yourself in the parenting role and continue to let the computer and the algorithm do it, you will not be able to have any voice. Any influence that the greatest influence we have is parents comes from our attention and our attachment because it's about to get real out here. And it's going to get worse if you're seeing it now. It's going to get very real with AI being the companion to your child in ways that you have no idea. And the psychological impact of a girl who sees herself with a filter and sees, wow, my nose looks this way and my cheekbones look.

41:26I look better. If only I can just go by all the products now to match that filtered image. And you know, the filter will just keep out doing her. Right. I love it. It's just too young to process that. She doesn't have the language. She doesn't have the prefrontal cortex to tell her what is fake and what is real. So you're throwing her into the tsunami without the guidance and the guide rails. And so she's going to fall off the cliff. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I do think I am going to get her off of it. It's literally started with the dance trains. And now it starts in a very benign way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You were doing what you thought was best at the time, but my angel always said when you know better, you do better. You just heard it. You just heard it. You can't say we all are witness to you hearing it. So you can't say you didn't hear it. Yeah. Yeah. She's holding you accountable. Yes. Yes. Yes.

42:26Yes. Thank you, India. Thank you. Okay. We have one more Zoom. Kiera is zooming in from New Jersey. Hi, Kiera. Hi. Thank you so much for me. Thank you for being here. Wonderful. Yeah. Wonderful. I've taken a whole page full of notes. And I can't wait for you to come out and buy it for myself and my sister and all my mom friends. I know there's going to be a lot of really great wisdom in there. So this is a very difficult job of parenting. I'm a teacher. I've been a teacher for almost 20 years. Middle school children. And nothing that I've ever experienced in the classroom ever could prepare me for how difficult parenting is. So I just want to say that right off the bat, my husband and I both full time were really busy, but very hands on. We've got two teenage girls. Our oldest is the junior. She's 16 years old and then our youngest is just about 14 years old. This past year, we've had more challenges than ever before with academics and with social pressures.

43:27And with the older one is entering romantic relationships and just everything that a teenage year is bringing. And we realize that we're really venturing into behaviors that can have real consequences. If they're not handled appropriately right now, this past year has been really difficult, especially for my older daughter. She's had lots of incidents aimed targeted at her with a boy in school related to bullying. And we might as we fresh held. So my oldest is a junior. She's 16 and then my youngest is 14. Okay. The oldest they've both actually been aimed at incidences of bullying so much so that the state of New Jersey had actually had to kind of get involved and intervene. Thankfully, that's kind of in the in the rear view mirror, but we're just trying to navigate the teenage years with all of the pressures that come with raising teenage daughters. I want to give my girls we trust them and we want to give them the autonomy to make their own decisions and learn from their own mistakes.

44:33But at what point should we step in? So what is controlling versus guiding my teenage teenagers decisions and behaviors look like? Well, just as a general rule of thumb, anything that is self or other harming. So if it's eating disorders, cutting suicidal ideation, bullying another person that is impinging on the emotional and physical well-being of the self or the other, you need to step in with your authority and influence and take them to a coach, take them to a therapist, take them to someone so you get the support. And I'm not being denial that that is a passing phase because these things very quickly catapult as you saw with bullying, they became the victims of bullying. So cyber bullying is a real trauma now that our girls especially are experiencing. There's sex exploitation, there's extortion, there's cyber bullying. So I'm not surprised and I'm really sorry though that this happened because the bully is no longer left in the school yard or the playground.

45:39You see the bully follows you home now and the minute you open your phone and the WhatsApp chat and your snap chats, the bully is right there in these groups that the kids form and leave you out. So it's very, very, you know, the part of the brain that lights up when a girl is rejected is the same as the part of the brain as she's experiencing physical pain. That's how painful it is to her to be excluded from the social milieu from the group. So it is what your daughters have gone through is traumatic. And so now you're talking about the fallout of that and that is you're going to see that it is interrelated, it is not separate. And the thing with bullying we need to understand as parents is that the girl begins to doubt herself. She begins to think it must be me, you know, it must be my fault. So let me fit in more, let me wear this or let me become skinnier, let me become cleverer. So whatever you're seeing now is the fallout and it could be rebellious behavior is because she's they are now trying to fit in because that

46:40sorority, that community was taken from her. So now she'll do anything to be part of the group. So we have to understand the underlying need here and not just focus on the surface behavior. That makes sense. That makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. You're seeing the oscillation of the devastation of her selfhood being ostracized from the group for a girl that is death. Yeah. That is death to a girl. Yeah. Kiera, thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thanks so much for me. Well, you write this about how young girls can become so accommodating, it becomes toxic. What happens to the daughter who's obedient and always helpful? The one who smooths every rough edge, who adapts, accommodates and rarely asks for much. The one who's never a burden on her parents. I know a lot of you are listening and you're hearing yourself in this. Never too much, never in the way. She's every parent's dream child. The answer is this. She slowly disappears.

47:40Yes. She gets a race. I was so struck by that because four years, as you know, I've talked to women on the Oprah show all those years and even now, who tried to be the perfect daughter, the perfect girl that always good. This is a kind of suffering, you say, that hides in plain sight. We don't recognize it as pain because it looks like success because she's the good daughter. Yes. We call it good behavior, even ideal womanhood, but inside our daughters and inside so many women, the expectation to be all things for all people siphons away her power. This is the curse of the woman, the modern woman who wants to be the savior, the fixer, the pleaser. She's the parentified daughter. She's the golden girl. And she's often raised by the mother who herself was parentified and expects the daughter to take on the legacy. So it's really the mother who at the kitchen table will train her daughter to be the next caretaker, the emotional janitor for the household and passes on that legacy.

48:45And what happens is that that girl begins to identify as that role, as that function. So she herself doesn't know who she is without that role and that function. So she will constantly look for broken pieces and damaged goods to fix so that gives her her identity or fixing. But in all of this, she will burn out because there's not enough people outside she can fix. Wow. I want to read this passage about when we praise our daughters. So to every mother reading this, when you praise your daughter for being good, helpful, um mature for her age, pause, ask yourself what that praise may be teaching her and what it might be costing her because without realizing it, your applause can train her to abandon herself in order to be good. In order to be loved and over time, the power that once lived so freely inside your daughter will begin to dissipate until one day you find yourself wondering how that bright, spunky girl slowly faded into a quieter, more careful version of herself and more uncomfortably into a version of you.

49:52Last part of you, you know, I talk about three pillars that are connected to what you just said, the pillar of voice, it is our sacred responsibility to give our daughters their voice. Yes, one of the things that struck me in the book is that you were saying, you know, instead of wanting your daughters to be good, you want your daughters to be heard. Yes. Yes. You want to train them to use their voice and not just be good. Yes. So their voice that speaks to them first. Yes. So that means they have to train themselves to hear that voice, that relationship with them to trust that voice, trust that voice. That is the first gift we need to give our daughters. This doesn't mean that disrespectful doesn't mean they're loud. It just means they heard. They are authentic. They're self-knowing. The next pillar I talk about is enoughness. We must train them in the language of this is enough. You've done enough today. Rest is not a dirty word. You are allowed to be ordinary. I talk about this in every book. You are allowed to be unhappy. You're allowed to be imperfect. You're allowed to be ordinary. And the third pillar I talk about in the seven that I outline is the pillar of self-authorship. We must allow our daughters to lead the way for their own self-direction, for their own destiny.

51:03And that takes trust. So imagine women in our generation who were never trusted by their mothers. How can we bestow and bequeath something we've never been given ourselves? Well, you have to cultivate it. And I teach parents how to cultivate it. Well, that's what the young girl read in the letter and the composite letter. Yes. She's like, listen to me. Listen to me. I know. Listen, trust me. I have a voice. Can I allow it to unfold? Well, you write in the end, you say, my hope is simple and impossible all at once, you say. That somewhere between these pages, your heart is softened, that your chest is loosened, that your shoulders drop just a little bit. And something inside you cracked open just enough to let more love in. For the daughter you are raising and who you now can see not through fear or expectation, you say, but through reverence for her unmaatchable power or inhibitable voice and her untamed light.

52:07So what's the message you want to leave with parents that our daughters are not broken. They are not over dramatic or over feeling. It is their capacity to feel. And our daughters have it more than anyone else that will heal the world. So you have to preserve that as a parent. And in order to preserve that, you have to scaffold her from the toxic misogyny and the messages from this world. She is a gift to the world. And she is a force to be reckoned with. And she has wholeness waiting to burgeon, but she will be fragmented because she's also sensitive and fragile. And if you're not going to protect her, she will fragment. Wow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Dr. Schaffali. For your paradigm shifting wisdom, raising conscious daughters, building confidence, courage and inner power in an anxious world. I also highly recommend her podcast. It's called parenting and you. If you're a parent, you should be listening to Dr. Schaffali.

53:14You can have access to her wisdom anytime you need it because I know it's hard out there for all of your parents. I speak from having spoken to parents for years and years and years. I don't pretend in any way to even begin to understand what it's like. But what I do know, it's harder now than ever. It is. It's harder. Thank you, Christina and Lisa and Kiera and India for your parenting questions. Until next time everybody, go well. Get this book for yourself. Get it for your friends. And thank you to our friends at Geico for presenting today's episode. Dr. Schaffali has two new books raising conscious sons and raising conscious daughters. And yes, as Dr. Schaffali says, raising a son versus a daughter are different experiences. Both books are available on September 15th. You can preorder your copies right now by scanning the QR code on your screen. The books are both thoughtful. They're practical guides for raising emotionally secure and resilient boys and girls while also navigating the complexities of today's world. I can't recommend them enough. I know for sure that these books are going to inspire some meaningful conversations with you as a parent and with your friends and families.

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