Stacey Womack: Do Domestic Violence Intervention Programs Work?

Stacey Womack gets asked for a success rate constantly, and she does not have one. She thinks the question is the wrong shape. What she offers instead is a continuum: a small group who come for a few weeks and change nothing, a small group at the far end who work hard and hold onto it, and everyone else somewhere between.

Stacey Womack is the founder and executive director of Abuse Recovery Ministry and Services, known as ARMS, which she started more than twenty-seven years ago. Its largest program serves people who have experienced abuse, running nationally and internationally at no cost, with no requirement to speak, to give a real name, or to come alone. For more than two decades ARMS has also run intervention groups for people who have used abusive behavior, mostly men, and women as well. Stacey has argued program standards with her own state, and has been working toward offering the men's groups nationally over video.

In this episode she describes what actually happens in the room. The order of priorities is the safety of the person who was harmed first, accountability for the person who caused the harm second. Participants read, do homework, and are pressed in group, and they are not permitted to discuss what their partner did to provoke them. The work is recognizing the behavior, surfacing the belief system underneath it, and dismantling that so the behavior stops. Stacey is candid that most men dislike it at the start, and equally candid that some of them are only there to look compliant.

She and Lisa go through the tells. Someone who keeps circling back to what the other person did, or who apologizes and then attaches a condition to it, is not being accountable, and ARMS will release them for lack of progress. Stacey explains why they tell people to wait at least six months after separating before making any decision, since anyone can behave well for a while. She covers why groups should be co-facilitated by a man and a woman, and what a shared-power partnership models for men who have trouble with women. She explains why these programs need to run close to a year with free aftercare afterward, why she cares more about who is facilitating than which curriculum is on the shelf, and what happens when a man who swore he would never be like his father recognizes his father in himself.

As always, this is strategic education, not legal or mental-health advice for your specific situation.

🎓 What you'll learn

• What a domestic violence intervention program is, and what happens inside the group
• Why "does it work" is a continuum question rather than a success rate
• The signals that someone is performing accountability instead of doing the work
• Why participants are not permitted to talk about what their partner did
• Why ARMS tells people to wait at least six months after separating before deciding
• How attending a program can itself become another controlling behavior
• Why male and female co-facilitation matters, and what it models for the group
• Why the facilitator matters more than the curriculum when you are comparing programs

⏱️ Chapters
0:00 Intro
1:00 What a domestic violence intervention program actually is
3:00 Can someone who abuses change? A continuum, not a success rate
4:30 How people end up in a program, and why almost nobody comes voluntarily
7:00 Inside the group: safety first, accountability second, comfort never
8:30 When the program itself becomes another controlling behavior
10:30 Reading the difference between real change and performance
13:00 Program length, free lifetime aftercare, and breaking the family pattern
15:30 Finding ARMS, and why the facilitator matters more than the curriculum

Keep going 💜
Book a free 30-minute discovery call and we'll help you map your next steps: https://beentheregotout.com/call
📘 Been There Got Out: Toxic Relationships, High-Conflict Divorce, and How to Stay Sane Under Insane Circumstances — https://www.amazon.com/dp/194627495X
📘 Been There Got Out: When Your Ex Turns the Kids Against You (our parental-alienation book) — https://www.amazon.com/dp/1967674183
🔗 Abuse Recovery Ministry and Services (ARMS): https://abuserecovery.org/

About Been There Got Out
Chris Barry and Lisa Johnson are high-conflict divorce, custody, and co-parenting strategists, and the founders of Been There Got Out. They know these cases from the inside: both have successfully represented themselves in family court. Few attorneys have a playbook for a case like this — Chris and Lisa write yours with you, so you and your kids can get through it as unscathed as possible.