BPD Ex’s What is The Pathway To Healing and What Is Not.

0:00Welcome to the Surviving BPD Relationship Breakup Podcast. I'm your host, AJ Mahari. If you're interested in working with me in sessions, anything to do with this area of why you're listening to this podcast at this moment in your own life, please know that you could go to ajmahari.ca slash sessions to book a session or sessions with me and we can start with wherever you're at, whatever you want to talk about, whatever you're looking for, to help you in your life. And so that's ajmahari.ca slash sessions can be a way more help to people understanding, not just borderline personality disorder, writ large, but more importantly, the person or persons in your life with borderline personality or individually, what's happening with them? What do you need to know more about that person that you're in a relationship with or you still want to be or it's on its off?

1:00Or that family member with BPD, the individual person or persons you're dealing with in your life versus all the information out there that just says borderlines are all the same, et cetera. Please visit ajmahari.ca slash sessions. If you resonate with me and you might be interested in purchasing and booking a session or sessions. I have 36 years worth of experience as an expert in this area working with people who are with people with BPD, have been with people with BPD, you might have somebody with BPD in your family, et cetera. And it's not always one or the other for people. So I hope that you find something helpful in this podcast. Please don't forget to like or rate with a five star rating. Hopefully this podcast, if you find any episode in this podcast helpful, there's a lot of people with BPD just smash this podcast with a one star rating because of where they're coming from and what they don't understand.

2:02This podcast is not aimed for people with BPD. It's aimed for all of you out there who want to learn more about BPD, heal from BPD relationship break up, have a family member, maybe you have a parent with BPD, et cetera. So please, if you can, wherever you follow this podcast, please hit the five star review to help this podcast grow and reach more people like yourself who could benefit from this content. And please do take a few seconds to just write in something hopefully positive if this was helpful to you. So again, you can support the podcast by doing that and help other people to find it. If in fact, you believe that it's been valuable and helpful to you and I would greatly appreciate that. In this podcast episode, I'm going to be talking about for BPD X's or people in any iteration of any redating still or what's going on with somebody with borderline personality disorder in your life,

3:02be it a significant other relationship or family member, et cetera. I'm going to be focusing in this episode on what is the pathway to healing for you and what is not the pathway to healing for you. Which is one of the other for people. So I hope that you find something helpful in this podcast. Let's jump into this podcast episode right now that it's a comment. I respond to it. Boy, near the end, it gets really wild. Sentence popped up that I didn't read in my first reading of the comment. So this is a bit longer and I'm going to be trying to work on doing some shorter things. But the comment was long and I thought it was important. And so basically, I'm going to be breaking down some things and using an analogy, looking at a very fragmented mindset. So this person may not just have codependency. I think it's a very outlier type comment from a very troubled mind,

4:09from a person who was hurt by somebody, atraumatized and abused by somebody with a borderline person, at a store as many, many, many of you out there have been or are being still, whatever iteration of whatever you're going through with a person with patterns of BPD or diagnosed BPD, untreated, perhaps treatment attempts, but still. You know, they're not changing and they're still living without a cell. And all the things that are going on and so hurtful and that you're pouring your life and your heart and you're overgiving, over empathizing, maybe feeling sorry for them, all these things, whether you're with them or not now, what I address in this video, along with breaking down a very, very troubling comment from someone who must have been very hurt by a person with BPD, but doesn't seem to think it has anything to do with childhood.

5:12And it's more than just codependent denial. But so I just wanted to preface this by saying that I will be responding to a comment. And it's mostly around, there's the, you know, the let's jump into this. Now what's framed is very troubling. How it's framed is very troubling. Where this person is obviously stuck, they seem to be blocking themselves from being able to get help. But I want to clearly, I think the video also or the podcast, whatever you're listening to, will also elucidate for you the reality that you can't just research about BPD. And think to understanding more about it to the degree that you can. Many people learn much online, but that goes with misinformation and disinformation as well, in my opinion. And so it's really important that you realize that the more that you try to understand BPD, the more that

6:16you research it right after a breakup, a ghosting or a discard or whatever iteration of, you know, you might be in limbo right now, etc. You don't know what you want. You feel lost. And you really in a lot of agony and suffering with all of that. It's important to note that just like when you were in the relationship with the person with BPD, you focused on them. You focused on them. You focused on them. You know, and they were hurting you in so many ways. And you were abandoning yourself. Perhaps you weren't aware of that. Maybe you're somebody who's still trying to gain awareness or or understand about codependency. But the more that you research BPD, the more you are basically strengthening the trauma bond that you had with a person with BPD, you may still have because, I mean, you haven't healed it because you are still focusing on them, focusing on them, focusing on them, focusing on borderline, focusing on borderline, you're still self abandoning yourself. So it's really important to not just research BPD and think that that's going to

7:21bring about the apex of your healing from all that you're going through right now. It's not true. You're going to be strengthening the trauma bond every time if you let them whover you, if you try to reverse whover them, if you're talking on and off the contact, if you're no contact, but you can't stop ruminating about them all day, all these different situations, the more that your focus is on them, people with a codependency may or may not realize there'll be a way of the fact that you have codependency and it's important what that means. And be that you are still, you're trying to understand something and you want to heal. But what you're doing in all the research about BPD and some people just get like then quote addicted to the researching of BPD, they think they become great experts in BPD. I'm not saying you might not know a lot, but that doesn't mean that you're really deep expert in BPD because you're throwing yourself away,

8:23you're banning yourself now while you're doing all this research, focusing, etc. on BPD. I'm not saying you shouldn't do any, but so many people are way overdoing it and people are using AI instead of therapy and therapists. AI is programmed to tell you whatever you want. It will either just continue to agree with you and find something favorable to say that you want to hear or sometimes it goes really bad in ways that I have a couple of clients that I'm working with right now that we're using AI as a therapist and then decided, hey, yeah, maybe us humans need to help each other more because AI is not everything is cracked up to be, it can tell you some facts that can help you, but it's programmed to almost help you to the point, well, for some people it helps them to the point where it starts to destroy them even more because it depends what you put in there, depends what you ask, depends where you go, depends how many emotions, etc. that you throw into

9:28what you give to AI because it's very dangerous for people. So I'm not saying you can't learn anything, but using it as a therapist is really not a good idea because AI might somehow be smarter than all of us any minute now, but it doesn't have the human experience or understanding or emotional framework to really understand you in your pain, etc. can throw information at you real quick, but anyway, this video should help people, it's a bit longer, so this video, or if you're listening in the podcast, it should help people to maybe think about more based on somebody's really sad and tragic example of being somewhat ego-prankmented themselves, so I don't believe they just have good dependency, especially by the time I got to the last sentence of their comment because it blew me away because I hadn't reread, I didn't see it in the reading of it in the beginning, and so

10:35yeah, I just wanted to say if you think that researching BPD alone is going to help you heal, no, it's strengthening the trauma bond as you're learning about it because there's the issues that you have, yes, from the borderline, and that you have prior because it's multi-layered, multifaceted, and people, there are some people out there that certainly shouldn't be trusted to work with, and then there, I don't know, I can always speak for myself, I help more people than I don't, I'm not a fit for everyone who comes along, in this area of helping people to heal and recover, and yes, I'll answer billions of questions from you about your person with BPD, I have lived experience, I've been recovered in healed for almost 40 years, I am, there aren't many people out there like me if I can humbly say that no, what I'm saying about BPD from the inside out, not that everything I say about BPD is based on just what I went through or how I experienced it or

11:38how I recovered, and what that recovery process of 15 years was like, why it's so daunting, why I understand a lot of people with BPD, it just can't make it through, just don't want to go, just don't want to do it, because it feels annihilating to do it. So I have all this, and I've also had a couple of cluster B relationships after I healed and recovered, so I know both sides of this really well, and so in this presentation, and I don't want to make the intro any longer because we got to get to the comment and the rest, but just know that you need to think long and hard about how much you're researching BPD, etc. versus are you ready now to do the work to set yourself free? From the rumination, from maybe the trying to keep the relationship going, from all the pain, the cognitive dissonance, the missing them, but maybe hating them at the same time, or the feeling

12:39sorry for them, and not really hating them, or people are really angry, people with codependence, you're often, you know, pitting the borderline. If you have compassion for them, that's great, some people do, some people don't, but you still need to put you first, and you need to focus on you, and that means focusing on codependency as well, and learning to understand how you got so swept away into something, that yes, in the beginning, it feels great and everything, and people haven't heard of BPD usually, but boy, somewhere along the line, it turns, and everything goes upside down with it, including you, your life, and you're losing yourself, so don't be overdoing research, AI stuff on BPD, because that's you, still self abandoning, so I hope you'll find this help, so now I'm going to jump into this comment, from the commenter, like I mentioned, and yeah, these can be difficult to do for many reasons, because I wonder where is the commenter at?

13:42Okay, so I have to comment up on the phone, sorry, now I have to find it, and not to stress anything about myself, but I've got to tear it in cataracts by the second, and it's not been the total healthcare system, it's been a little bit, what else I've been busy with, and I'm not getting to those appointments, so yeah, I have one more appointment with the optimologist coming up soon, and I'll be having eye surgery, hopefully within the next month or so at the most, because wow, it's hard to see going anywhere, anyway, so I only mention that to say that when I'm reading this comment, I have to blow the text up super big to be able to see it, and especially with the light on, and when I'm lights, and so let's dive into it now, but it might mean I'm a little bit like slow-ish at reading, which I don't like to be, so this comment came on to a video, borderline personality, relationships, X-Up BPD-How, and I haven't been able to find a video yet, I apologize, so hopefully I'll find it

14:48because when I just search for how, how what, and I've done so many videos, hopefully it will be under this video for those watching on the YouTube channel, and it doesn't really matter if you're listening to the BPD-Bredationship Breakup podcast, and wherein I'm your host, AJ Mahari, let me just cover that for both places, so the commenter starts off by saying something as if it were true, and that's the first problem, the commenter says, by pathologizing the victim of the person with BPD, I think he means, or she means, you carry the evil of the BPD person forward, so that's a very interesting, I would say somewhat warped, very black and white, and erroneous understanding of what they

15:50listen to in the video prior, right, that they commented on here, because first of all, I'm not pathologizing anybody, and secondly, yes, people who've been with people with borderline personality disorder and are you a victim, yes, you get victimized in many ways by people with BPD, and so yes, there is that victimization, but the key thing about the victimization when one wants to heal is it's really important to realize that there is something that goes with being an actual victim of trauma, and that is a victim mentality, and they're not the same things, because I'm not for a second saying that people with BPD and they're not all the same, and not all the relationships on pole breakdown rupture the same, but yes, when you are a victim of a person with BPD, that's very true,

16:51and they impact you negatively, they can be very abusive, they're very, they can be very traumatized, the person experiencing them can experience a lot of trauma from the way that they behave, and what they say, and how changeable and labile they are, and their moods, and all this instability, and what's going on, and you often blame you for everything, etc., etc. So I fully acknowledge that people get victimized by people with BPD, whether that's intentionally on the borderline's part, or not, but you don't want to continue to have that victim mentality. Yes, you're going to be hurting, yes, you might be feeling all kinds of things, but this person is definitely in the victim mentality, and I don't say that to be disrespectful or rude, and so they just assume I'm pathologizing people who've been really hurt and traumatized by people with BPD, it's not true, so the first statement by pathologizing the victim, you carry the evil of the BPD person forward.

17:55No, I don't, and no, I'm not, and I hope if you resonate with this, you'll know that, but for the commenter who for some reason didn't understand much of what I said in the video, they commented on, interesting, but I hope that they'll be able to see this in a different light as well, not because they're going to do with me, or because I'm saying it only, but because they're in a lane, they're on a pathway, they're in a way of thinking, they're in a place that is really not going to help them whatsoever. And I do want to state that people with BPD can behave in ways and treat people in ways, knowingly or unknowingly, very monstrous, shall we say, but it doesn't mean people with BPD are monsters, and people with BPD can have some, in air quotes, their evil behavior or evil impact, perhaps one might be able to say, but they're not evil, okay, the vast majority of them.

19:00So, let me just find my place here, sorry, because it's a very wide text and very little screen. And the commenter continued, whatever the partner may have, sorry, experienced in childhood, is irrelevant to how they were abused by their BPD partner. Well, yes and no. So a little bit no, it's not irrelevant at all, but again, this person didn't hear me at all, okay, in what my information is about, where I'm coming from, not only what my intention is, but I believe I reach my intention and goal in my communications, but still some people don't get it, okay, so this commenter didn't get it, because the childhood woundiness that leaves so many people with

20:03codependency that's going to definitely, and that childhood woundiness is going to impact your relationships and redating to one degree or another unconsciously, no, not known to you or consciously, maybe you have some awareness, this person is not consciously aware. So it has direct bearing on the patterns of how people end up in these relationships, and that's not me saying it's your fault because you don't know. What happens is if you're a man, you're attracted to a borderline woman or your gay man attracted to a borderline man, or you are a heterosexual woman attracted to a BPD male or, or less been attracted to a female, you know what I mean, right? With BPD, it's going to be the patterns, still playing out unconsciously inside of you in a wounded inner child from childhood woundiness that's going to effectively create this trauma

21:07bond, and within a trauma bond, often when you're idealized by a person with BPD when you don't know what BPD is at all, you just really bound this wonderful man or woman you think, and they're great, and the way they idealize you, that's like, oh, what's the word for it? I don't know, I see a killi's heel of everyone who gets into these relationships because BPD idealization is not who they are, you find that out later, but in the beginning, well, that touches a person with this childhood woundiness that creates codependency in ways that a healthier person would back away from. It's intense, it's super pleasing, it feels great, you feel so seen and heard, and but you're not being seen and heard, and so the other thing is that the codependent patterns of the woundiness from

22:10childhood, as I believe I've said many times before, are what create for the codependent the fantasy bond from the BPD idealization, and then when there's that rupture, there might be many ruptures to devaluation, but the major devaluation split rupture, where the whole thing goes awry and it's on off, on off, whatever, you're not going to be re- idealized again, this is coming and very few people know that they were the person with BPD in the first place, so whatever the partner went through in childhood and whatever, I can have this comment or says it's irrelevant, oh no, no, no, no, it's not, it is exceedingly relevant, but it is not consciously experienced or people don't have awareness of that part of the dynamic, but even in my explaining that, it's got nothing to do with me saying that the abuse by the partner with BPD has, you're not responsible for that,

23:17you have nothing to do with that, you're being victimized and traumatized by them when you start to figure something this out, so the fact that there's childhood woundiness there that absolutely is part of this pattern of coming together with a person you don't know has BPD etc in the beginning, it's very, very relevant, so the commenter on that note is just absolutely 1000% wrong, not only in that I have 36 years experience of working with people in this area knowing what I'm doing and being authentic online to the point where I got a channel the heart anybody wants to find or the algorithm is buried because I'm not going to give you all what you want to hear, nope, I'm here to keep it real to help you heal, so it's very, very relevant, and this commenter is coming from some universe of maybe the wrong agony and after the person BPD which I can totally understand, but they've totally misheard me and they are on an opposite path from this

24:21framework to getting anywhere near healing and then the commenter continues they are people so long comment too, they are people that could have thrived in relationships with normal partners, well first of all there's no such thing as normal but I get the delineation being made that this person believes that people who are victims of people with BPD and their childhood moodiness is irrelevant because I don't know if they thought I was dismissing the abuse and responsibility of the borderline but I'm not because because this person believes that it wasn't for the fact that this person they were with I guess or may still be with or on or off with or who knows that if it wasn't for the fact that they had BPD and that they were victimized I guess the commenter believes they would have flourished and thrived in another relationship that's not always true either in fact it's far from the truth because many people don't have the

25:25first relationship with a person with BPD or say a narcissist or BPD main diagnosis narcissistic traits commonly online thrown around as comorbid BPD and BPD which yes that is a factor for about 40% of people diagnosed with BPD not a factor for 60% of people diagnosed with BPD this comorbidity which rarely ever means a dual diagnosis so there's a primary diagnosis often it's borderline personality disorder and some of those people will have narcissistic traits but they really don't have a problem both could both be diagnosed well yes people have spoken about it and then I've seen someone online who's very dynamic a younger woman I mean then me very brilliant and she talked a lot about her BPD recovery and healing and then talked about being diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder as well and then have the courage and authenticity to come back to the internet

26:31she still has channels I don't know she tic-tocs youtube's whatever but she's amazing to listen to but then she came back and said no that the narcissistic personality disorder diagnosis was didn't fit and was erroneous and so basically everything that she had done that she thought was comorbid was really from BPD but she'd done a lot of healing from that if not totally healed from that so it's not true that you you know comment or are a person that would have thrived if you to just found a normal person then can I also say to anyone else listening to this if you can resonate with what I'm saying because a comment is probably just going to comment back and argue with me some more I'm sure but bottom line is because some people just that's where they're at and that's what they do and maybe they totally disagree with me and that's fair too but I am an expert and I know what I'm talking about that's up for you to decide though because you know in the end this comment is certainly isn't hearing me and so you wouldn't have thrived I've had lots of clients like I've

27:33had now over probably a million clients easily but like thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands in the last 36 years 33 of those online that have had other relationships before they met the borderline and for other reasons those relationships didn't work out either not saying that would be anything like a BPD relationship but commenter and anyone who resonates with this or if you really are on this like really self-defeating path of way of thinking like this commenter it's not true that you would have thrived with another partner because you have something going on in your psyche in your mental health called codependency which is not a formal diagnosis but it is very much a formidable mental health problem that causes a lot of challenges in relationships from the codependence side as well which yes they do they do pale in comparison to what borderlines

28:34often do to others so I'm not trying to in any way say that people of BPD can't aren't traumatizing abusing and aren't responsible for that so this commenter is just a codependent in denial and they continue because evil is as evil does now that's an interesting what sort of well-known phrase maybe evil is what as evil does but the vagueness of it in terms of what the commenter is presenting here just suggest to me this person isn't able to really think in a sort of you know with IQ and emotional intelligence isn't able to put these things together which happens to some people

29:34of codependency to a lesser degree than it happens way more for people with BPD so evil is as evil does as a commenter the suffering of someone with BPD doesn't give them the right to destroy other people's lives I agree 100% with that the suffering of people with BPD which is absolutely what these people are doing even when they look happy even when they're sort of like acting a tad grandiose because as I say often there is pathological narcissism within borderline personality disorder that doesn't have to have anything to do with narcissistic personality disorder and in Eric Burns life scripts and transactional analysis another psychodynamic modality of explanation of many things he has four life scripts positions or many life scripts but four positions and one is I'm okay you're not okay and another one is I'm not okay you're okay there

30:36are a couple others but within people of BPD they're always relating like this very unconsciously that they don't feel okay at all and that you're okay and so then when they get triggered to emotional dysregulation and all of that which they're responsible for doesn't give them a pass to start screaming and yelling at you and blaming you for everything and treating horribly no or abusing you it doesn't give them excuse for that at all but when they do that what are they doing they don't know but this is unconscious on their part they're feeling always often so bad people with BPD and then so what they do is when they get emotion dysregulated and triggered and you're not responsible for the triggers the triggers are within them already and so then they're going to put themselves unknowingly unconsciously by putting you down and abusing you more and maybe gaslighting you as well they're going to be blaming you and shame you projecting all their stuff onto you so they can try in their minds in their reality and their experience to feel one up so that they

31:40can try to grab I'm okay you're not okay not that people that are in these relationships are all but you're not as unokay as the borderline the borderline feels very I'm not okay it's very unconscious and in most people BPD and so and the and the codependent usually feels like I'm okay and they're not okay and there's a reality to both sides of this so and no there's no pass for the way that people BPD abuse or traumatize others there's no the responsible for that and the commenter continues I guess it's good money oh yes this gets better I guess it's good money for a therapist to spend endless sessions digging into the victim's childhood first of all I don't know about other therapists I can always speak for myself I do content online right in

32:47videos podcast I have a couple of blogs out there still you know that probably nobody finds anymore but I britain articles way back and I wrote blogs when blogs came along and I had videos on websites before YouTube was born because I've been online since 1995 and I had an audio player of audio of mine way before podcasts were born too so I've been around a long time and that doesn't mean a whole lot without the fact that I'm also an expert in this area I've lived experience I had four BPD portraits and I healed or recovered in 15 years worth of therapy and I know it from the inside out so many of my clients have expressed to me that you know they don't believe they could have gotten the help that they got from me anywhere else because of the way that I can actually explain BPD which is going to become a point in a minute but back to this I love this person's attitude you you really have issues dude or person well I don't know if it's a male or female but I guess it's

33:52good money for a therapist to spend endless sessions digging into the victims childhood well that's not how it goes you know number one I'm here right now doing this video I know we'll be heard on the podcast as well and some people will resonate with what I'm saying as we get to what is going to be an obstacle to your healing versus an ability to get into a healing process working with a therapist and why that's important part of that is yes the codependent patterns of childhood woundiness the inner childhood worked it's needed to be done in with other components in a process to heal from codependency which will help you to break the trauma bond with the borderline and the rumination and the cognitive dissonance and all of the things that you think you're going to learn as this commenter will say I think at some point by understanding borderline person out is or it's not true it's not a pathway to healing might be an important part to a degree but

34:57many people are overdoing it going in circles and with this person's way of thinking unfortunately they got themselves stuck in a heck of a box because they're not going to be on any healing journey trajectory for real for a long time with these attitudes so by the way I don't spend endless sessions digging into people's childhoods when I work with clients they come and the first thing I say to them is the first time I talk to them is that the session is their time and they can choose what they want to talk about because many people want to pepper me with a lot of questions about borderlines and their borderline and I can really help people more when it's specific to one person with BPD with their certain patterns and their kind of behaviors because they're not all exactly the same and the other thing is the digging into the childhood isn't exactly like digging into the childhood because so I'm trying to say I give an eclectic approach in sessions where people can talk about sometimes they start off talking all by the one time of the whole story would

35:57happen with the person with BPD okay and then the energy spurs with that we may talk a little bit about them in the past or not and then over sessions same thing and then moving toward helping them understand BPD more because I'll answer any question anybody asks me in a session about BPD down to the absolute I want to say this humbly but I mean I lived it and I I have that experience lived experience inside out and I have grown I mean I've been it's been almost 40 years since I healed and recovered so I've grown way beyond that to be able to look at both sides very clearly and I've been on both sides so we don't just spend time digging into people's childhoods that makes it sound like there's nothing there to work on but again the commenters continue use of the word victim says a whole lot too and it doesn't mean that he won't that the commenter wasn't victimized I'm sure you might be somebody watching us or listening to this because you are being

37:01or we're being victimized but again the victim mentality rises again to defeat this person's possibilities in making new choices to be able to heal because he thinks always is good money for therapists to do that well I don't know how other people act but I'll tell you one thing I mean how they work with clients I'm not like that at all because here's the other thing that proves that if you will I do content so people can find me to work with me if they resonate with me right and I help a lot of people along the way that I've received you know a plethora of emails always do every year people thanking me for my work who I've never worked with in sessions and so this content is free to you right now isn't it and the other thing is I can't make you work with me doesn't give me anymore people coming to work with me to heal from BP relationship breakup ghosting

38:05discards work through try to figure out what's going on out of cope with if you're recycling the relationship all these different situations and iterations how in the world would this person be able say I guess it makes good money for therapists I don't make anybody come to me that's not how the process goes and I you know you watched something of mine totally misunderstood it commenter don't understand where you're at emotionally but it's not very healthy or good place you must be hurting badly and and you're so jaded you know like okay but you're so jaded that you think that that's what therapists are trying to do well certainly I'm not one of those so so apparently you know the commenter believes therapists just you know want to take my I don't leave with my wallet maybe some other people do digging into yeah we're digging into the victims but what they really need to hear is the truth well one thing I can tell you is I am keeping it real always to help people heal I am

39:13authentic I think my work shows that I think people know that even when they hate my work and don't like what I say or like this commenter probably don't like what I say don't appreciate what I'm trying to do and they're just freaking lost and understanding anything that I've actually said in the previous video maybe the same outcome with this one so he thinks that therapists are just trying to take money off people digging into their childhoods for what reason it's not relevant you're just a victim that this is according to this commenter and what victims really need to hear is the truth well I'm telling you the truth and whatever video of mine you listen to prior like I was telling the truth in that video too but you have an inability to parse that the commenter so what they really need to hear is the truth about how insane the partner really was the borderline partner really was okay well here's some news for everybody people with BPD they might

40:22have some quote insane behavior they're not people that would be deemed to be insane so what it is is for people with BPD is the repetition compulsions unconscious repetition compulsion cycles of reviving the trauma they originally had in their childhoods as well but they lost themselves they project that out onto others they blame others they take everything out on others because when you are the partner of a person with borderline personality disorder patterns of not diagnosed diagnosed untreated not well enough treated kind of treated not really treated not knowing the self because the self is absent and people with BPD and listen till they go to a lot of therapy not just DBT no no no they have to go to psychodynamic therapy and that can take another eight years worth of work after two years of DBT or something like that so yes well no yes well no

41:27sorry no what people who've been traumatized and really hurt by somebody with BPD in a relationship need to hear the truth yes but what is the truth more than what you're talking about commenter the the truth is that you were really hurt and victimized I hear that being said a lot but no I don't need to validate for anybody like clients that their partner with BPD or X or you know it was insane behavior might have been insane if we want to say that behavior could have been really cruel could have been really been addictive could have been a bunch of things that the borderline you know blamed you for things projected things onto you abused you maybe raged it you but yeah all of that's true and they're responsible for it but you are obviuicating your codependency maybe still in rampant codependent denial or I just know this

42:28comment is gonna love hearing is right no but you all need to hear it if you're not where you need to be yet and understanding codependency and that it really is real and it matters and it's going to be your pathway out of the agony of what you experienced with the person with BPD straight out so no you don't just need to hear I mean I validate clients of course what have they tell me they've experienced I have lots of things to say about that and validating the the true isms of what people BPD do to their codependent partners absolutely but with this person I'd have to start working out on like where are they first I'm sure they wouldn't come to work with me but if you wanted to comment or doors open but you know you you think I have other agenda hmm I would suggest you do and you're not even consciously aware of it because what you said here makes little to no sense I want you to know that but I'm trying to be a puppet and respectful so you think

43:32you just need to hear how insane they are okay that's not true but that's what you think so you're stuck and then yeah where's I'm sorry for my having the pumble to find text that's you done a little so then the commenter said and researching BPD yourself is part of this you need to know no sorry you need to understand what you went through before you can heal from it there's some truth in that but the researching of BPD by people out there who you're all doing that and now people are deeply by the way I don't recommend using AI I mean if you use AI you get some facts out of it okay but you're gonna get some misinformation out of it too and people should never use AI as a replacement therapist because AI will tell you anything and

44:35everything you want to hear not that I'm here to argue with my clients at all no I'm not but I can ask questions and I can point things out in the way that people are thinking that's taking in them in the opposite direction from healing just like this commenter they're living in a framework in their mind with a victim mentality not that they weren't victimized but with that victim mentality now that grows bigger in a way that precludes recovery and the commenter thinks well you know their visitors trying to like get people to dig in endless sessions digging the past for no reason but to take money from people well I really object to that I mean I find that I do find that offensive I wasn't just named it me but like I'm not about that at all I mean things do cost money and I am a professional and I do make a living working with people but it's like if you have a flat tire you gotta go pay somebody fix your tire it's the same thing you can't

45:36just research about your flat tire and how did it happen on this gibbon street and maybe this happened to you three times in a row like you know where you're just experiencing a lot of car problems like you experience all kinds of horrible things in the relationship with the borderline very true very hurtful very you lose yourself very just people say their lives are turned upside down yes you can destroy your life in a sense it doesn't have to destroy your whole life but yes so let's compare that to a car what if your car just keeps breaking down cars are really complicated these days I don't I don't have one but understand all the technology and cars etc as a way as opposed to the way they used to work like a long time ago which I didn't understand then either but online people with BPD and code of penance I don't understand how cars work I understand how you guys work okay and I mean that in a helpful way not any kind of like ridiculous way so anyway um so he thinks researching yourself you know as part of this recovery and you need to

46:39understand what's happening well two-degree yes but what about the car analogy so your car keeps breaking down all one day the AC goes out one day like your signals aren't working and you know there's a lot of wiring and cars and stuff now right and so oh maybe it's the engine maybe it's this maybe it's like just constantly one thing after the other well maybe a lot of guys I don't mean to sound stereotypically silly but it's still probably true there's a lot of women that understand their cars and such because they do and they're interested in that there's a lot of women that don't there's a lot of guys that don't there's so there's people men or women but a lot I would think more men that they understand a car or I don't know how how well people are doing with technology and cars they but let's say this commenter unlike he's misunderstanding everything about where he's at right now what's happening to him how he's got a victim mentality happening how he's obstructing and blocking his own healing possibilities at this point with this mindset etc and these these negative core beliefs that he's putting forward well if the car was breaking

47:43down all the time I wonder would he just want to research widespread and down all the time or would he be taking it to the actual whatever these people are called the fixed cars now I don't know just still called mechanics or not I don't think so probably car diagnosticians something or other I don't know but would he keep on would he not take his car and to get fixed because he just research what happened to the car so he can understand that because it's what gonna heal or in this case with the car solve the problem I doubt it right but this person is like oh well I got a research on the BPD myself and you got to know and you got to understand what you know you went through before you can heal it well you know I don't think you have to understand that your car won't get you from point A to point B before you take it into a shop and you pay somebody for that and that's a lot different service right because it's it's not emotional I mean you know I'm saying the car might have some emotions around the car not working but you take your car

48:45in when you don't understand why it doesn't work and you pay somebody to fix it well it's not exactly the same when people work with me but it's similar because I can't quote fix people but I can help people to understand all of this much better BPD yes themselves they're past the patterns how they got there how the trauma bond forms based on each person's childhood and it's very very buried you know not everybody comes from the same family the same background the same experience exactly but to your idea that you need to research BPD and understand it before you can heal from it no because you're going to get as much misinformation disinformation as you might get positively really good information and I give very in-depth past nuanced information that I believe and people don't have to agree with me is next level to most people that you're

49:49going to find on the internet not everybody but most people I give next level super in-depth explanation understanding and help to my clients in understanding that person with BPD that experience what they went through but then we have to also you do the healing work that involves part of their past and childhood but it's not one thing or the other so and by the way I've said before many people are researching BPD to the point where it becomes like a quote addiction it becomes a place to escape and not think about yourself so you're still losing yourself to a borderline even if they're not in your life anymore they discarded you and you won't you're not hearing from them even if you want to but you're trying to figure out why did this happen and what did that happen but you don't do that comment or with your car and yes people need to learn more about this but learning and understanding borderline personality disorder more is not the most important

50:55part it's a it's an important part but when you're working with an expert like myself who can give you the actual truth about BPD etc in in straight up honest authentic really deep in from informative ways and also the helping you to not only understand that process that but to look at the other side of it because even when people at BPD are horrible to people that they're with people with codependency are there for their own reasons and the trauma bond forms etc and just by reading about BPD and learning more about understanding more what happened a you're not going to get that on the internet you think you will you get all these facts okay where you get some facts great but until you go and work in therapy um and this comment is going to have a heck of a block there I guess um no because of your part of the relationship doesn't mean you're part of why they abuse you know but it's a

51:58relationship and now it becomes a dynamic between two people and I'm not saying the codependent dynamic is the same as the borderline dynamic no but then there's the trauma bond dependency bond the betrayal bond that the borderline abuses you etc and then so many people find out that this person has BPD and then they find out what's BPD and then they still want the borderline back they still want a relationship recycle and keep on trying in really futile futile hurtful ways and codependent denial something has to make this relationship work I've heard so many people say to me in sessions and not just like that at all but the way in which each person might say that so anyway um it's not just knowing about why this or that happened just like if the car in the car example I gave and if you're waiting to understand so much about BPD before you get into working with someone and

52:59I'm out here to work with those who resonate with me um that it is just like the car you you can afford to keep on waiting especially this comment or this mindset you need to get some help soon and I mean that with all due respect wherever you go to you know I mean I'm open but I doubt you're open to me it resonating with me but the bottom line is you need help like a long time ago and if you think that you're going to do all this researching on BPD and then you're going to somehow set yourself free and be able to heal it you're kidding yourself it doesn't work that way you're obviscating in the way blocking your own way path forward to heal the more and the longer you research BPD and then people think they're so such experts in BPD people can know a lot about BPD but still not be that expert in it and I say that as a deep expert with lived experience etc on the other side some almost 40 years ago so then the commenter continues after years of being gaslit and told by the BPD

54:06partner that they are insane when in reality it's the opposite again no this is a red hammering you're hanging on to commenter and I hope that other people listening or if somebody ever pines this video but on the podcast or wherever I hope that other people are not having this mindset as well that you think again you know it's all about this person being a victim not saying they weren't a victim but it's the victim mentality you don't want to hang on to that it blocks you getting into healing recovery work just like thinking that if you understand borderline personalities or then you can heal the two aren't necessarily related at all and so now he's saying after using being gaslit and told by the personal BPD that you were insane when it was really them that was insane well they were projecting not insanity but they were projecting their own

55:11truth and suffering and inability to relate like an adult and consistently and congruently and their inability to be mutual or reciprocal they were yelling and or telling you all this stuff as if it was your fault but why would you even take that in commenter people take it in because they're codependent people take it in because no matter what this borderline says to me I care about them and I'm going to help to fix them and change them and rescue them and I'm going to get them into therapy and this relationship is going to work out so there's some responsibility there not in the way that you were abused but in the way that well many people stay after they know what's going on you have it's a dynamic and people both people have responsibility and I'm not saying that anybody is responsible for what the borderline does to them no that is clearly not what I'm saying and he said oh yes you know the opposite is true about this insanity who's really

56:16insane well people to quote a penancey have a dysfunctional unhealthy relationship to self to begin with and then you take that board you end up meeting this person you think they're great etc etc they turn out to have bpd and then this whole thing turns on its head and it becomes very painful you're getting abused and traumatized and then the commenter continues the poor victims you know mean about victim mentality and I wanted to stop and say to the commenter directly if they happen by this um yes people are really really suffering after being abused and victimized by people with bpd but when you keep on talking about yourself and victims you're putting this out to everybody everybody else doesn't see themselves as only like a victim maybe they're victim but they also see themselves as people who are hurting too much can't stop the remination on the borderline etc etc cognitive dissonance yeah they feel they've lost themselves and they know it and they're an agony and so they seek out treatment they seek out help they don't just go in your circles and now

57:20you're saying the poor victims well yes I have empathy for people that have been victimized and impacted negatively by borderline abuse etc but poor victims is a statement made by somebody in total victim mentality and that's going to block your ability to make choices to get into the healing that you need and you may well want but you don't seem to understand that pathway so the poor victims as the commenter comes to therapy and is told that he or she needs to work on their childhood trauma well sometimes it's adverse experience as opposed to trauma in childhood but yeah like I said people that are as you say commenter the poor victims it's just your language you're using is really not helpful for you or anyone else who resonates with the fact that they've been hurt by

58:22somebody with BPD abused by somebody with BPD etc have separate trauma well it's not you're a very black and white thinker here in this presentation of your comment so you're saying now poor victims comes to therapy I don't know maybe you had bad therapy or you haven't even tried it I don't know told that he or she needs to work on their childhood woundiness that well that's only childhood trauma that's only part of it like I said in the beginning when I work with clients it's often a lot about the the borderline person the person with BPD the predatio ship to break up the on-off stuff whatever iterations people are in having been ghosted having been discarded not sure if it's a ghost or a discard I work with people to help them work through all of that to cope with that coping strategies when people feel a lot of anxiety and lost and depressed etc because they have lost themselves

59:25and nobody knows what to do at that point can't stop thinking about the borderline cognitive dissonance all of these things for some people limmer and etc well I talk to clients about that all the time and I help them to understand and that they have questions about the borderline they want to understand that more that it's not just all about what the person needs to work on in themselves but to heal from this person with BPD where you seem to have this framework in your head commenter that again is going to block your pathway to healing and going to cause you a lot more suffering so I hope no one else is feeling this way or if you are please hear this this commenter has themselves in a very black and white place the black is the borderline was all bad horrible traumatized me abused me I am a poor victim now okay but the other half would be but I I have to look at my own issues and how do I give them this relationship and I have to look

1:00:29why I'm staying if people are staying I have to look at why I want this person back if I want this person back and so what I'm saying with that I could go on but all I'm saying with that is that not to diminish the fact that there's the black side right for some people the codependency think about almost as black and white as people with BPD and that's not saying you have BPD but it's not an all-enough proposition of now your suffering and if you went to a therapist you just be hearing about something you don't want to talk about wants not how I work with clients I hear a lot about the person with BPD and and the dynamics of the relationship and what they did and I hear people's entire stories about this which is fine their experiences they're what they really went through and that's great when I work with each client because they're all going to be nuanced different situations with a whole lot of common patterns running through them but the one thing this commoner can't grasp which I hope all of you out there or anyone listening to this or watching

1:01:31this video if anybody finds a video but but anyone listening on surviving BPD relationship breakout podcast you need to know that this mentality of this commoner and people like this commoner they keep themselves stuck by not recognizing that they have some responsibility to heal something well to heal from the person with BPD to heal from that traumatic relationship but that there's something else there that needs to be healed and it does go back to childhood I'm sorry it goes back to childhood in different ways for you know usually not as primal as borderline personality disorder goes mainly back to childhood for people with borderline personality disorder so and I guess this commoner can't understand that you you need so much relief from something that happened in your childhood probably the last thing you want to hear me say

1:02:34it's true for all of you out there not just this commoner and then the commoner says the therapist continues the abuse oh I didn't see this before okay now I'm gonna get real pissed okay the therapist continues the abuse where the BPD partner left it or left off wow I didn't see that sentence in the in my first like I reread it once I mean I read it once and okay wait a freaking minute here I'll say one thing for you comment or I've been feeling it and I held it back but like your obnoxious is all get out of here okay so and you think you don't have any problems besides with the borderline caused you oh yes you do and what the borderline caused you and they're responsible for that the you're responsible for this incredible attitude that you have the therapist continues the

1:03:36abuse where the BPD partner left it or left off well I find that pretty pretty insulting and absolutely ridiculous as much as I feel for this commoner it's tragic because dude you're not going to get anywhere with this attitude and your attitude is not only coming from how you suffered at the hands of somebody with BPD and what they did to you and I hear you and and that's not your fault but you also have layers of trauma from childhood or adverse experience that gets triggered massively by borderline abuse and and the trauma they cause you which is their responsibility and not your fault but you have responsibility to try to get yourself out of this mindset and that you think that therapists you're basically just calling therapists borderlines aren't you you're

1:04:38just thinking that we're just out here to get you like the borderline got you when I don't know about everybody else I'm sure many therapists are not doing that but I'm here to do the exact opposite and I'm here to help people who've been so hurt and I am not a borderline and I am not going to do BPD things and I am not going to retraumatize a client and I don't have that pathology in me and that's not what the process about is about so this person seems to think borderlines are bad I'm the poor victim of the borderline and that's you when your codependent helplessness that you don't even realize because yes you are victimized but your victim mentality it's a separate thing from the victimization because many people and I hope if you're listening to this and I hope you'll hear that what you need to do is not be like this person at all but you need to know that with the victimization you've suffered that you want to take responsibility for your part

1:05:42it's nothing to do with what the borderline did to you but that you're willing to look at the codependency as well as we would deal with all that the borderline did to that's wrong and not just ifiable and they're responsible for and it's not your fault but this person just thinks it seems to think that therapists are borderlines therapists are extensions of borderlines that's basically what they've said here nothing could be further from the truth so I mean for most of us for me anyway I'll speak for myself only there are some people out there with active borderline personalities order and they're getting their PhDs so like be careful for sure but the therapist continues the abuse where the BPD partner left off well perhaps this person encountered a really horrible therapist or in fact a borderline therapist I don't know but this is an example

1:06:42that I hope none of you out there are resonating with this commenters comments because this person is stuck in a victim mentality place and yes they were victimized I don't doubt that but they are stuck and they are blocking every way forward that they have to heal because essentially I didn't realize that last sentence which is really tragic for this person it's a little bit like off-putting for me because the therapist continues the abuse of the borderline why on earth when anybody think that and and there are people out there with active and the active throws a borderline personality disorder who are therapists did this person go to one of them I don't know or is this just a mindset because of victim mentality and please hear me if you were victimized by a person with BPD yes you were a victim but there's a difference between that

1:07:45knowing that all the pain and suffering that goes with that and then seeking out help with a therapist or I'm out here to work here by resonate with you and and calling yourself a poor victim and and that level of self pity because not that you shouldn't be you know feeling for yourself because you really really hurt but this is the self pity mindset mind frame all or nothing thinking that well it's not even it's that and then some I don't even know what to how to break it down when they say that therapist will just continue the BPD abuse where the borderline left off what this person might have had a horrible experience with a therapist who might have been a borderline I don't know because short of that I don't know how that statement can be logical whatsoever

1:08:46and the person is real heavy on being a poor victim victim poor victim poor victim and I'm not saying they weren't victimized but I hope you can understand the difference between knowing even victimized knowing your life is upside down knowing that you're hurting like hell knowing that you need to heal this knowing that I hope from what I'm saying you might get that you're not going to heal it by learning more about borderline personality only and and and all of the stuff out there between AI and other people talking about BPD and whatever so many of them don't know what they're talking about at all and so many of them are going to mislead you and give you misinformation and so many of them are just coachy coaches that had axes with BPD and whatever they haven't healed they don't know what the difference is and they're still acting out of this this commenter's mindset and mind frame locked locked all or nothing black and white style into poor victim

1:09:48hood mentality and people can't stay there or you're just going to get stuck there and you're not going to heal it all and you're going to continue to suffer and then after the borderline's gone etc even though they've had this horrible effect on you for sure and abused you and etc who's responsible for your pain and suffering after the borderlines have been gone for a while even though they did what they did a mindset like this commenter he he or she is going to continue to be the poor victim stuck in the victim mentality because not only are borderlines evil according to them but therapists are just like borderlines is essentially what this commenter said because therapists are just going to continue to hurt you like the borderline did which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever so this is one of the most depraved, lost, extreme, codependent denial,

1:10:49mindset, anti therapy, anti the way forward this person has dug in their heels so far in my estimation and understanding of what their framework is here in their mind or in or well probably mind more than their emotions because they don't seem to be aware of their emotions because bottom line is this person has set them self up to not be able to heal at all and to not be able to be helped by skilled therapists and there aren't millions of us out here ladies and gentlemen that are expert in BPD and NPD and psychopathy and clustered B because I'm an expert in all of that but I just don't talk about all of that because I believe in staying in this niche for a reason but bottom line is sometimes I've clients that have you know personal BPD that showed some narcissistic traits in some cases are there any traits of any social personality for some people BPD there might be but borderlines per se are not narcissistic automatically 60 percent of them have no comorbidity

1:11:58with narcissistic personality at all and 60 percent of people with BPD they're not sociopaths they're not psychopaths they can behave and horrendous been dictive and even sometimes psychistic ways but it's the borderline personality disorder and and and understanding that right down to its core of which is hard for other people to do but the bottom line is it doesn't mean that they're if so factor all these other clustered B things and all these other diagnoses and the more that people spread all that misinformation the more that people like this person wherever they're stuck in this mind frame of well victim mentality and therapists are like borderlines basically is what they're saying they're not going to get any help they're not going to let anybody help them because they are now married to their suffering and what has that happened to some people

1:13:00who've been with the borderline and all that that entails and how much they hurt you and etc and yes they're responsible for that no it's not your fault well I don't know how many people are percentage of people but people like this comment are in that group percentage of people that take no responsibility for themselves after the fact i'm not talking about taking responsibility about the borderline did you no no no not at all and then the fact that this person thinks therapists are just extensions of borderline abuse means if so factor they think that we are all that therapists are borderlines wow this is I have had this youtube channel it looks futile doesn't it I understand I'm over it um but but but you know I don't do well in the algorithm whatever and maybe some people say what I say because I'm keeping real to help you heal I'm not fooling around here I'm not telling and I'm never saying that the person who's hurt impacted traumatized life turned upside down

1:14:04lost themselves to borderline feels like their life has been destroyed it's not your fault it's the borderline spot it's the borderline's responsibility but then there comes the part where you have to deal with you and the loss of you and the lack of you and the pain and the suffering and the agony because you were victimized but don't fall into this poor victim mentality and then somehow in a really illogical almost impossible way think that therapists are gonna be an extension of the borderline's abuse say what this person is likely not only codependent this person may well fit into bpd severe codependency with bpd traits or more I don't know but the bottom line is there were a lot of people and I like that I mean most people I work with most people that listen to me hear most people comment on the channel and you should not this out of um out of out of out of

1:15:10the way out you know just out of like anything that would be more helpful to understand or a better framework and I'm not saying hey after a borderline you should have a pause in frame no one I'm saying is you should clearly realize that you didn't cause the abuse to yourself you didn't do it to yourself you're not responsible for it but now you're going to unfortunately be responsible for healing what you went through from the borderline and what happened in your childhood because these things are multi layered and multi-faceted that's not me ever saying I know lots of other people misunderstood this written about it on the internet because I'm just horrible you know and if people feel that way that's not my problem but the point is I want to make it crystal clear here that you're rode to healing and recovery requires therapy that you have codependency that that's a real thing

1:16:16and that it doesn't mean I'm saying you're responsible for what the borderline did to you at all but you are responsible to get yourself some help to get out of what you keep repeating that's not the same thing as what the borderline keeps doing to you because they're two separate things but when people keep wanting these relationships and keep recycling these relationships and keep going back to the borderline got had the borderline back I need this person to heal in person for me I can't love anybody else I need their intensity I need and some people just need the cray cray and I'm not even saying they're crazy because they're not crazy they're not insane their behavior might be but the bottom line is these people are children in adult bodies people of BPD they don't have a self they do not know how to hold your love or accept or receive or trust your love they don't know how to love you they are always struggling with their own survival and you are not seen and heard for who you are at all but as to the rest of which is comment or sad

1:17:19I didn't realize the end of it because it might have been a good place to start but like to say that the therapist continues the abuse of the borderline left off this person I'm not going to say they're insane but they like to use that word but this person's reality is very disturbed it's very fractured for whatever reasons and so if they happen to you know come by this um I hope they understand that I'm trying to educate others through what they shared but also that they really need and they really need to seek out help even though I don't know how they would do that if they believe the therapist or just going to be an extension of borderline abuse makes absolutely no logical sense person must be really hurting but I can promise you this much they're not only hurting from the borderline they're hurting still from something to do with mom or dad or relative something in the family of origin both when I say that I'm not saying oh the borderline didn't

1:18:23really do this to you no they did they did and they triggered a lot of things that you went through in childhood that many people with cotipenas he just because it's not the same as BPD where it these people lose themselves to that trauma in childhood and literally have no self and so as they go forward that impacts everything they can't you know I don't know how this person relates to the phone I don't have this person relates to anybody at this moment at all either um but then that speaks to where we might not just be cotipenancy but the bottom line is I think most people understand what I'm saying but there's been a lot of people who've misunderstood me on this point that now you have responsibility to heal yourself I mean not heal yourself but get into therapy and and be helped to heal that does involve some work inner child work going back to family of origin etc but it's not without being able to express and understand and grow and learn more about what

1:19:26happened from the borderline etc so are you somebody like this person in a mindset mind frame trapped place like this individual who if we go back to the car analogy we'll probably be sitting in his or her driveway under the hot sun somewhere or like in a freezing cold storm oblivious to what's going on around them because they are obsessed with something so fractured it sounds like this person has ego fragmentation so I don't know if they have BPD as well but but this person or anyone that can relate to this person oh please seek help and believe that therapists are not be careful of the ones that are borderline because they're out there or narcissistic or or worse but the bottom line is this person would be the person in the driveway with a fancy expensive car that's really really complicated keeps on breaking down all over the place and they would be frustrated and hurt and feeling victimized by this and as it's an analogy right the car

1:20:28and then they would be reading manuals and searching the internet like they're trying to understand BPD right and like okay and I'm not saying you can't learn anything about BPL on the internet but you can you can learn a lot that won't help you in the end but so this person would be sitting in the driveway studying the car and thinking that all people that fix cars and I'm just saying it that way because I don't know what to call I'm sure it's not just car repair people anymore so all these people who have expertise in fixing all the things that can go wrong with the modern day complicated wiring and technology and cars and how they work now which I don't really think about and they be sitting in their driveway and they're not going to take the car to get the car fixed they're just going to be stuck right there whether it's spring, summer, fall, winter or whatever climate you live in if you don't have the poor seasons bottom line is they would be literally in this analogy sitting beside the car or maybe they couldn't stand the little good car anymore

1:21:29because cars like border lines and now they're in the backyard and they won't even approach the car just if you imagine the car is like the borderline and it keeps you know all this stuff is breaking down and this is really traumatizing this person who's trying to drive a really expensive car that maybe is like status for them and a lot of things to them and emotionally important to them and not just a vehicle right but but even if it's like because people have amazing vehicles apparently you know like I have friends with cars part of the car I just don't have one but but people I don't need it don't want it and I couldn't see to go anywhere in it right now anyway but people who have this mind this is a very fractured mindset I'll say that again and I'll just repeat so a person like this in the analogy of the car maybe they couldn't even face the car because without because whether the car could be put in a therapist role or the borderline role it's gonna be the same to this person somehow tragically in their poor victim mentality

1:22:30and what is a poor victim mentality even in a cotipenant like in a borderline because most cotipenants are people are not like this this isn't even the rationale logic or or whatever of somebody with only cotipenancy in my humble opinion but it's people understand that they can seek help elsewhere and don't block all the things off so going back to the car really quickly this person's probably in the backyard or the basement looking at manuals and researching and trying to understand how cars break down and why so often and why was so many different problems and is it like one wire gets loose and then two get loose and this doesn't work and that doesn't work and you can't do this and then somehow the car doesn't even start and and they won't be getting to any car repair place to ever drive their car again so they'll be lost in the oblivion of an obsession and a weird not healthy really out their

1:23:36mindset mind frame of the problem with the car and after so to understand why my car keeps breaking down but then if I take it to somebody that can fix it they're just gonna eff up my car anyway yep that's really where this person's at ladies and gentlemen and so I am not trying to make light of your pain the commenter is got a load of pain and trauma and then some and it's it doesn't sound to me like it's all only from a person with bpd but not to minimize what so many of you are going through I've worked with literally millions of clients I have helped me well thousands and thousands and thousands of them I can say everybody completes a process or that everybody resonates with me after or some people just aren't ready to do the work and they disappear okay or maybe we weren't a good fit but the bottom line is I help way more people than not and

1:24:36there's no need to be entangled if you're like you have to pay me again if you don't want to work with me not that type of person and so the other thing I would say is that think about the car analogy in terms of they're there you know suffering and feeling sorry for themselves this commenter and they won't even they're just gonna research the car because you know before you take your car into somebody's gonna eff up your car anyway because they're gonna make your car worse from the place that the problems with the quote borderline cars started so so nothing's ever gonna get change get fixed get healed understanding borderline personality disorder can help you in some ways and I mean and that's part of the process I work with clients I will go down to the bare bones of things you've never heard anywhere on the internet as I do with individual clients when they tell me the whole story of what their person individual people with BPD or whatever else they

1:25:41may have going on bottom line is sorry to be long but the comment was long and blow the text up but I just wanted to say that after it's all said and done or maybe you're still recycling with the borderline and working with lots of clients that are still on and off on and off on not want them back etc you don't have to be in any place to come and do sessions with me maybe you need I've had clients recently who just want to learn how to cope better because they're still trying to have the relationship I can work with you on things like that I can help you with all kinds of things I can answer millions of questions about BPD to the nines authentically property appropriately realistically authentically so that you won't be kidding yourself you may still find a way to kid yourself but I won't support you're kidding yourself but again I can't tell people what to do so I find this to be just an amazingly out there troubling comment from somebody who's

1:26:43excessively ego fragmented and unlikely to be only codependent so if you are a person the codependency you're still denying that but you think that the researching BPD is going to help you heal not the way you think it will because you still need help and there is your part in what became a relationship dynamic and no you didn't do you didn't deserve you didn't provoke you didn't cause it's not your fault how the borderline abused you and traumatized you but now what are you going to do I hope you don't fall into the victim mentality of a fragmented really lost person with with a hell of a mind frame that's going to keep them stuck in suffering for the rest of their lives I don't wish that upon anyone so by all means everybody as always take care even listening to the surviving borderline personnel and sort of relationship break up podcast

1:27:45with yours truly your host AJ Mahari let me just remind you again if you resonate with what I'm saying if you'd like to talk to me about some things in your life and I can be a way more help to people understanding not just borderline personality disorder, writ large but more importantly the person or persons in your life with borderline personality or individually what's happening with them what do you need to know more about that person that you were in a relationship with or you still want to be or it's on its off or that family member with BPD the individual person or persons you're dealing with in your life versus all the information out there that just says borderlines are all the same etc. Please visit ajmahari.ca slash sessions if you resonate with me and you might be interested in purchasing and booking a session or sessions and as always take care