Born to Belong: Grieving What Should Have Been There From the Start [252]

What if the loss you're carrying doesn't have a name — no death, no disaster, just a quiet, persistent ache that something was always missing? In this episode of Joy Lab, we'll look at Gate Four of our grief series: What We Expected But Did Not Receive. Drawing from Francis Weller's The Wild Edge of Sorrow, we'll explore the grief that comes from never being fully welcomed, seen, or celebrated for exactly who you are — a loss so subtle it often masquerades as personal failure. This episode offers a deeply compassionate and scientifically grounded look at why so many of us feel vaguely unfulfilled and how we can actually do something about it. Spoiler: it starts with grieving what you were owed.

This episode is part of a 10-part series on grief. You can jump in here and circle back to Episode 248 when you're ready. 

 p.s. Find a Simple Joy practice for this episode right here at our blog.

 

About: The Joy Lab Podcast blends science and soul to help you cope better with stress, ease anxiety, and uplift mood. Join Dr. Henry Emmons and Dr. Aimee Prasek for practical, mindfulness-based tools and positive psychology strategies to build resilience and create lasting joy.

 

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Full transcript here

 

Sources and Notes for this full grief series:

• Joy Lab Program: Take the next leap in your wellbeing journey with step-by-step practices to help you build and maintain the elements of joy in your life. 
• Grief Series:
  • Why We're Doing a 10-Part Series on Grief (And Why You Need It) [part 1, ep 248]
  • Everything We Love, We Will Lose: Navigating the First Gate of Grief
    [part 2, ep 249]
  • Welcoming Back the Parts of You That Have Not Known Love [part 3, ep 250]
  • Why You Can't Escape the Sorrows of the World (and why that's a good thing) [part 4, ep 251]
• Imposter phenomenon series:
  • Imposter Syndrome is a Myth (ep. 175)
  • What Imposter Syndrome Really Is (ep. 176) 

• Backdraft: When Being Good to Yourself Feels Bad (ep. 29)

• Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller
•  "Something magical happens when we bear witness to each other in grief. Something alchemical. It transmutes the lead of our devastation into the gold of connection. Our own compassion is activated. Our souls are soothed. The narrow circle of our private pain expands and we recognize that we belong to each other. We take our rightful place in the web of interbeing and find refuge." -Mirabai Starr
• Beckes & Sbarra, Social baseline theory: State of the science and new directions. Access here
• Beckes, et al. (2011). Social Baseline Theory: The Role of Social Proximity in Emotion and Economy of Action. Access here
• Bunea et al. (2017). Early-life adversity and cortisol response to social stress: a meta-analysis. Access here.
• Eisma, et al. (2019). No pain, no gain: cross-lagged analyses of posttraumatic growth and anxiety, depression, posttraumatic stress and prolonged grief symptoms after loss. Access here 
• Kamis, et al. (2024). Childhood maltreatment associated with adolescent peer networks: Withdrawal, avoidance, and fragmentation. Access here 
• Lehrner, et al. (2014). Maternal PTSD associates with greater glucocorticoid sensitivity in offspring of Holocaust survivors. Access here 
• Hirschberger G. (2018). Collective Trauma an d the Social Construction of Meaning. Frontiers in psychology, 9, 1441. Access here 
• Sheehy, et al. (2019). An examination of the relationship between shame, guilt and self-harm: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Access here 
• Strathearn, et al. (2020). Long-term Cognitive, Psychological, and Health Outcomes Associated With Child Abuse and Neglect. Access here 
• Yehuda et al. (1998). Vulnerability to posttraumatic stress disorder in adult offspring of Holocaust survivors.  Access here.
• Yehuda, et al. (2018). Intergenerational transmission of trauma effects: putative role of epigenetic mechanisms. Access here 

 

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