Before You Finish the Argument: What Your Nervous System Needs During Conflict

0:00Hey sweet friend, welcome back to the business of Inner Peace. I am your host, Erin Jean, and today we're talking about marriage, but probably not the way you're expecting. I'm not going to give you five sentences to say to your husband, I'm not going to tell you how to communicate your needs more effectively, and I'm not going to tell you that you need a date night. Because there's something that needs to happen before a lot of those tools are actually useful. So grab your favorite beverage and stay tuned for this conversation. Welcome to the business of Inner Peace. I'm your host, Erin Jean, and I'm so glad you're here. Let's pretend we're a city in my living room enjoying a cup of coffee or tea and getting to know each other just a little better. That's what I love. I love getting to hear your story.

1:01I love feeling connected by the spirit of understanding that our stories bring. Today I'm sharing some of my story, but I hope someday soon you'll be telling me yours. Listen, I know that you're feeling overwhelmed with life, and nothing is exactly how you like it to be. Your marriage is not what you hope for. Motherhood is harder than you imagined. You've lost yourself somewhere in the mix of responsibilities. Well, if you're ready to bring some more peace and joy into your life, reconnect with God who made you and start living a life you love and grab your cup of coffee or tea and let's dive into the day's show. So we need to talk about what happens in your body before the conversation even begins. I think about the number of times in my own life when I believed if I could just explain

2:09this correctly, he'll understand, right? You're searching for the perfect words or maybe you believed and if I just would try harder or if I would just add more words or if I'd provide like a better example, I literally remember sitting there trying to search for like the perfect word picture, almost like a parable story to try to tell my husband to make him get it. And meanwhile, my body was not in connection, my body was in protection and that's an entirely different conversation. So I've talked before about the pain that I've experienced in my own marriage and how that pain ultimately drove me deeper into learning about the subconscious mind, neuroscience

3:13and the nervous system because I had prayed, I mean I prayed my heart out, I read God's word, I was doing the Bible studies, I was going to therapy both Christian and secular. And when those things didn't create the change that I was desperately hoping for, I started asking different questions and eventually I began understanding something. Sometimes we know exactly what we should do, relationally, I'm putting should in air quotes because I know you can't see me, but our nervous system, it's run in the show. So it really doesn't matter what you should do because when you feel threatened emotionally, your body may prepare to protect you. Maybe you fight, maybe you get louder, maybe you desperately need him to understand, maybe

4:13you're like me, you flee, you might leave the room or you freeze, you know, you just completely shut down and there's also don't forget about fun because funning is like this way of pleasing to try to keep the other person happy and content so that you can control the situation so that you feel protected. So you know, you can't think sometimes when you're in that mode, maybe like until three hours later when you're in the shower, your mind suddenly kind of catches up, goes out of that safety mode and you realize what just went down. Or you know, maybe after the argument or whatever it is, you shut down or maybe you are a people pleaser which is another version of that funning. So maybe you say fine, even though nothing is fine.

5:20So these are not necessarily character flaws. I want you to recognize that they are patterns and when we learn to notice the pattern, we have more choice. And that is why I love the idea of emotional first aid, right? So many of us think of first aid as that physical need, you know, bleeding, broken bones, those kinds of things where we need first aid kit, we need a splint, we need gauze, all of that. Right? If somebody falls and they badly cut their leg, we probably wouldn't start standing over them and discussing why they fell. We just move into action. We address the immediate problem. We want to stop the bleeding. We would help the body stabilize and then we'd figure out what happens next. And truthfully, we need this same kind of care and action emotionally.

6:22But when it comes to emotions, we often try to solve the entire marriage while we're bleeding. Just giving you that visual. While we've got a broken limb hanging off of us, we're trying to fix everything. And I want you to understand that in that state, we're activated, we're hurt, we're angry, we're scared. And that's when we decide we need to resolve everything. And so here's my question for you. What if we didn't? What if sometimes the holiest, healthiest thing you could do was recognize my nervous system needs support before this conversation needs a solution. And that doesn't mean avoiding hard conversations. It means preparing yourself to actually have one or recognizing that you're not in the

7:25state to have one. You're asking for a pause, asking to delay the conversation. So instead of trying to solve this or avoid this, what I want to invite you into is the thought that maybe you breathe, maybe you just get really mindful about your breathing. Or maybe you ground your body. You take your shoes off, you go out into the grass, you go out into the dirt, you just get outside barefoot and you ground. Maybe you need to go for a walk. Just get out in nature and walk. Get that beautiful bilateral movement going. Maybe you pray, maybe you pray while you do any of those, right? Praying is always a good idea. Maybe you give your body enough time to realize I am here. God is here. I am safe.

8:25I have choices. And then you decide what needs to be said. And this connects so deeply with what I've been teaching lately about experience God. Because God isn't only available when you're calm. He's present in the argument too. His word says that he's always with us and always means always. He's present when your chest is tight. He's present when you're angry. He's present when you're disappointed. He is present when you feel misunderstood. And the practice really becomes learning how to find connection with him there where you are in the messy of all of it. And that is why I created the marriage emotional first aid kit because it's designed for those moments. If you're like me, you enjoy being led. When you're in that state, you know, when your nervous system is activated and you're

9:27just regulated, you just get overwhelmed. And sometimes it's hard to think about the next right thing to do. So I'm inviting you to use this tool. Use it before the conversation. Use it after the fight. Use it when you're emotionally spiraling and you need support coming back to yourself. It's intentionally practical. Because when you're activated, you probably don't want to sit through a six hour marriage course. That's not the ideal time. You need something that just meets you where you are. And if that sounds like something your marriage could use, I want you to take a look in the show notes and I will have a link to that emotional first aid kit. And if you have questions, you're always welcome to reach out to me. I'm on social media as Erin Jean. My username on Instagram is the business of inner peace. So you can find me in those places.

10:29But here's what I really want you to know. Because whether you purchase anything for me or not, I want you to carry this question into your next difficult relational moment. And this is marriage or not anywhere, right? All relationships can be challenging. So the question is, does this problem need to be solved right now? Or does my nervous system need care first? And those are not always the same thing. In fact, they're very, very different. So sometimes tending to the second, the nervous system piece, it changes everything about how you approach the first part, the solving part. So I hope you've gotten a good aha moment here or good takeaway, something to think about, something practical. And I'd really love you to just consider using this amazing tool to support you during difficult conversations, especially in your marriage.

11:31So until next time, my sweet friend, may you experience God's presence, not only in the peaceful moments, but right in the middle of the messy and the hard ones too. God bless. I hope you enjoyed today's episode. If you're feeling blessed by the content here, the number one way you can show me is by leaving me a written review of the show. I'd be forever grateful knowing that you're out there listening helps me know that I'm truly living out God's purpose in my life. The other thing you can do is take a screenshot of this episode, share it with a friend, or better yet, tag me on your Instagram stories. Remember, you are seen, known, and loved. Thank God, richly bless you today, all my love, Erin Jean.