Bad Advice: My Husband's Extra Curricular Videos

0:00Guys, it's no use putting it off. The best time for an underwear refreshes now. Tommy John underwear is designed for a perfect fit that stays put all day. There's zero shape thanks to four times more stretch than competing brands, and their innovative horizontal quick draw fly is a game changer. With over 30 million pairs sold, there are thousands of men out there more comfortable than you. Don't settle for less. Go to TommyJohn.com today for 25% off your first order with code comfort. That's TommyJohn.com code comfort. Tommy John. Comfort. Perfected. Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the same premium wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been enjoying. It's not just for celebrities, so do like I did, and have one of your assistance assistants switch you to Mint Mobile today. I'm told it's super easy to do at mintmobile.com slash switch. Up front payment of $45 for three month plan, equivalent to $15 per month required, intro rate first three months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra, default terms at mintmobile.com.

1:02Have you or a family member been diagnosed with early-stage non-small cell lung cancer that can be removed by surgery? Consider talking to an oncologist about your treatment options. Why? Because knowing your options before you have surgery can help your care team develop a treatment plan that's right for you. Learn about a potential treatment plan before and after surgery at AskBeforeSurgery.com. That's AskBeforeSurgery.com and talk to an oncologist before your surgery. Oh my God, that's a great idea. You're waking up with Sarah and Vinnie. Wake up. Alice, 97-3. All morning. We now go to Bad Advice. This segment is one where you guys do you have the email? Bad Advice, 97-3 at gmail.com. Thank you. That is where you can send your problems, and then we read them on the air. You can be anonymous, and we give our opinions and help you. It's how we give back. We got a couple. Bob and I picked out one each. I'm going to let Bob do hers first,

2:04and if we have time, we'll get to mine. But yeah, they're really good stuff. We get so much good stuff in that inbox. It's hard to pick one, but we got some good ones. All right, Bob. Yeah, this person's going to say anonymous and feel free email us from a burner or your personal email. We can totally keep you anonymous. This one's entitled, How do I ditch a toxic girl group? My husband and I, my husband has had a friend group since high school. And at this point, we live our lives pretty intertwined. I like them and their husbands all individually, the girl group, the husbands and their wives. We vacation multiple times a year. Our kids are buds. The husbands play music together. The problem is that the ladies have proven themselves gossipy and caddy. The straw that broke the camel's back was when I was recently looped into a separate text chain where two of them were disparaging another lady in the group, who by the way, had just lost her brother suddenly and whose husband had just gotten laid off. On top of that, for the Queen B's birthday, my husband and I spent over $1,000 on a wine tasting

3:06day. And then when my birthday rolled around, no one even sent me a text. My question to you is, yeah, how do I maintain a cordial friendly relationship with this group of people? I'd rather just tell them to all buzz off and punt, but I feel like I need to keep the relationship going for the sake of my husband and my kids. What do you guys think, Vinnie? So this kind of, we kind of talked about something like this last time we did bad advice. What I think is if this, if this group is super important to your husband, then I think, and I don't know that you can do this, but I think then you just zip it and put up with whatever, like you don't have to be abused. You don't have to put up with, you know, them, but they're not even being cool to you and return like on your birthday. Right. They're not showing you kindness. I think you, you dive, like you uninvest, you divest, you say, I'm, I'm going to go and I'm invited and I'm not going to take this.

4:08But part of that is not drinking with them because drinking could at some point unzip your lip and leave you doing damage. I know that I would, if it were me, I would try to be cool so that my husband can enjoy his time, but not put effort into making plans with them. I think that's good. And along the same lines with my ex-husband, he had such a big nice, great group of guy friends. And they hung out all the time and I had to hang out with the wives and girlfriends. Now thankfully, they weren't caddy, but they had no personality whatsoever. Oh, so I would get ditched with them. And I used to call this girl Carol the lamp because you could have just put her in the corner and she put off a little bit of light, but like, it was like pulling teeth to talk to her. And I was like, I'm sick of being forced to hang out with these girls when I don't enjoy it. And so it's a little bit more, I think it's a way worse situation,

5:13obviously, if they're toxic, you don't, you get to a certain age and you don't have to be around that. And I think you can just be like, oh, I'm busy. You don't have to have a big out. You don't have to call them out, but you don't have to go to all those events, like protect your peace. Do you think, because I actually just made me think of this, it does make sense to tell your husband, listen, if you could do more things with your bros without including all everyone, that'd be great. Like, this is really something that you need and I want you to have it. My wife has two very best friends and she hangs with them when she can and I try to get lost. I want her to get that time of like, with her girlfriends, these are her best friends. They're they got to catch up, they got to do whatever and maybe have some drinks, maybe make some new memories. Who knows? But what I'm getting at is she doesn't need me around for that. So maybe that's another thing that he could just start. Yeah, absolutely. And I think it's always engulfing and not bringing it up. Right. And I think that's all about expectations too. And I think this

6:15comes for even healthy friend groups too of, and I used to get my feelings hurt all the time where I would do far more for someone else. And I would not get the return and that hurts. And so I think if you have, you know what the limits of the friendship are, that's going to help for, for, for, for certain. But just doing things and knowing, hey, don't expect something in return. I mean, you should never do something and expect something in return. But just having some expectations. Well, yeah, like I, a lot of my friends, I used to be the one that would start everything. I would throw parties. I used to have like a onesie pub crawl. And I was the initiator. I was the always the one that was, that was reaching out. And when I moved home for a little bit, I stopped doing that. And so I wasn't hearing from these people. And a while ago, that would have really hurt my feelings. But I just take it as everyone's busy. You know, these are just the expectations. If they reached out to me, I wouldn't be like, I haven't heard from you in years. I'm not going to do it. But okay, this is the limitations of this relationship. And so I think that's a big pivotal part

7:19of making it work. You know what I would do? I would become friends with the husbands. If they're having fun and they're better vibes, start going when you're in the group setting instead of defaulting to hanging out with all the women. See what the guys are talking about. I mean, if they're not overly sports-focused men, maybe they're having conversations that you'd be more interested in. I'm already getting in. Well, not necessarily. It depends on what kind of men they are. Right. That's true. So it didn't say they're golfing together. It said they're playing music. So who knows what they're like? That's what I would try and do. Or maybe finds an ally in the women. Because odds are there's somebody else feeling the way that you are. And they're just kind of feeding into it because that's what we do when we're in a group. Or implode the whole thing and call them out on every little action. No, that's bad advice. That's bad advice. That's a good call. They're Bob. What about you, Maddie? I think the main thing is get out of these text chains. Like people get in these text chains. Like if somebody puts in a text chain, you don't want to be in it. Drop out of it. No, that's possible. It's not hostile. You can't leave a text group. Yes, you can.

8:25It's a cause. I will say this. I did one with a family where I dropped out of a family text chain. And you're right. I got everybody was, everybody was like, where did you drop it? What are you trying to say? Yeah, exactly. Guys, it's no use putting it off. The best time for an underwear refreshes now. Tommy John underwear is designed for a perfect fit that stays put all day. There's zero shape thanks to four times more stretch than competing brands. And their innovative horizontal quick drop fly is a game changer. With over 30 million pairs sold, there are thousands of men out there more comfortable than you. Don't settle for less. Go to TommyJohn.com today for 25% off your first order with code comfort. That's TommyJohn.com code comfort. Tommy John comfort perfected. Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the same premium wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been enjoying. It's not just for celebrities. So do like I did and have one of your assistance assistance switch you to Mint Mobile today.

9:29I'm told it's super easy to do at MintMobile.com slash switch upfront payment of $45 for three month plan equivalent to $15 per month required intro rate first three months only then full price plan options available taxes and fees extra default terms at MintMobile.com. Have you or a family member been diagnosed with early-stage non-small cell lung cancer that can be removed by surgery? Consider talking to an oncologist about your treatment options. Why? Because knowing your options before you have surgery can help your care team develop a treatment plan that's right for you. Learn about a potential treatment plan before and after surgery at askbeforesurgery.com that's askbeforesurgery.com and talk to an oncologist before your surgery. Maddie, I want you to read yours because I love the funds. Yeah, this is good. All right. I've been listed. This is another one who wants to remain anonymous. What is the bad advice email again, please? Bad advice 973 a Gmail.com. So you can send yours to us. This is how the bit works

10:34and Sarah will be back next week, but go ahead there. So I had to condense this one a little bit. It was very big, but I've been listening to you since 2001 and genuinely feel like you're my friends, especially now as a stay-at-home mom to twin girls. Your show brings me daily happiness and has helped me through a lot. Recently, I accidentally discovered the extent of poor that my husband watches and while I was always assumed that he probably did actually seeing it deeply hurt me so much so that I nearly left him. He says his stop and while I'm choosing not to investigate, I'm still struggling emotionally and trying to understand why this affected me so strongly. Hearing Vinnie and Maddie talk about it and knowing some women are more accepting makes me wonder why do some men think it's okay to assume their partners aren't hurt by it and why are some women not bothered by it at all. I'm not coming from a religious place. I'm just trying to understand the different perspectives, especially from both men and women, especially even though I love my husband and won't leave him. This experience has left me surprisingly painful. Wow. That hurts.

11:37So how do I answer this? I don't think you should be hurt by it at all. As a man who has used porn for inspiration, it has nothing to do with real life at all. Yes. Zero. Literally zero. It is a, I don't want to say it's a bodily function the same way, number one and two are, but it's just a thing that I got to get over with in certain some days. I just got to do this and it's not, I don't, you might be a partner. I'm talking to the lady now that wrote in that is accessible at all times, but I'm thinking with twins that that's not the case and so he's getting his needs met without cheating on you. I realize some people might say, but I see porn as cheating. I don't and you two may have to work that out where he explains to you why the inspiration or or you send him some pictures that he can use of you.

12:37Oh, maybe you don't want to do that. Maybe that's not your thing. Maybe you're, you're, I don't want to say I'm tight, but maybe that's crosses a boundary for you. No, listen to me. There are different people out there. Some women will send a picture two days in on after meeting. Others would never send a photo. So and some are like, I'll send a photo, but I got to have my face out of it. So there's different boundaries and lines you can, you can draw, but I would say that this is not a thing to worry about. From my perspective, he's just exercising a need. Ladies, I would agree that it's something that I think is normal, but I had a friend talk to me about her boyfriend at the time and she was very upset and was going to break up with him. And the more I learned about it, he had a porn addiction, which was a little bit different. And I initially had told her, I'm like, yeah, it's normal.

13:39If anything, you know, maybe go watch it with him. It could become a thing that you both are into. And I think that's where it can still be healthy as long as it's not an addiction and it's not super weird stuff. That's a little concerning. I think that's where you have to draw the line. But it's nothing personal. It's definitely not. Yeah, I think how she's feeling is so valid, especially, you know, being confronted with it for the first time is it can be overwhelming. And I think a lot of women probably feel the way that she does. And at times in my life, I have been, you know, when you find out, like, oh, how often somebody's doing it, that can be kind of like a shock of, oh, I didn't realize this was such a big part of your life, kind of boys grow up with this. Right. This is a, this is a boy thing from, I want to say age 11 or 12 all the way through life. That is like just a stress reliever. It really is not meant to be

14:40harmful towards your partner. But I do realize also that if you on the internet, you can go down rabbit holes. I don't mean that you would find yourself on, you know, the dark web looking at kitty porn. But I do mean that if you look at one thing and you go, oh, I like this person's body. I want to see another thing. And then they do something that you would go, well, I'm not okay with tying someone up or whatever. However, that gets where it got. I don't even think that is something to be alarmed about. If he has real, serious, deviant ideas, then maybe that's something you guys have to talk about. I think that they should talk about it more for sure. They should, she should understand how she feels about it by continuing the conversation. And if she's wondering what's cheating, they should talk about it and they should set boundaries to your point, like types of porn that she's comfortable with rabbit holes that she would not be comfortable with him going down, messaging with a cam girl, things like that, like set your

15:41boundaries. So then you can feel comfortable and secure. So here's, here's a question that I would have more of an issue to with more specifics is only fans, girls that you have more access to that are real people as opposed to some porn star who lives in LA. And there's no doubt, like I've never gone to only fans, there's no doubt people can rack up thousands of dollars in debt. If they meet someone that is fulfilling that, that need, I can see where that is a huge problem. I would be bothered by that. We don't have the money for this. You have to figure out how to meet your needs. Yeah, you have to meet your needs with outspending dough. It's a, and you know, porn in general, you can get desensitized to it and that can affect your relationship. But if it just at the base level of he's looking at it, I don't think that's the issue. Yeah. Listen, it's all about communication. You got to talk to each other and and come to some kind of agreement on the thing, not telling him just not to do it. It's just not going to happen.

16:41I'm sorry, lady, it's just not going to happen. So you're going to make him cheat like that. Then it'll be cheating because you're going to say, no, I don't want you to do this. And he's still going to need to do this. 7 07 brought up the point that Mason just made. The problem is that some men become desensitized to regular sex. Wife's end up feeling like they're unattractive and undesirable. Well, look, I don't know. It can get unhealthy. There's no doubt. But in general, I feel like it's just a thing most men have been doing by themselves since they were boys and they really only need a little inspiration to get where they're going. You could certainly take over that role. I don't know if that's going to work for him, but there's no doubt that I can look at real life pictures and be completely thrilled with them. 925 with a porn bad advice is the man still giving quality attention that isn't sexual while the woman is most likely burned out on the twins. Her needs somehow are maybe being unmet. So if you feel like that, that's that's that's we need to say that. Tell him that.

17:46You know, you could and I I've done this in different times in my marriage. Couples counseling is a place where you can go sort of lay it out. And there's a person there that can kind of keep everybody in there. Get everybody's needs met with an intermediary. And that has worked in my marriage for, I don't know, a dozen times over the over the years. So anyway, hopefully we were able to help you out. Bad advice is so fun. I absolutely love it. And we appreciate you guys sending those in bad advice at 9.7. No, bad advice 9.7.3 at gmail.com send a man. We read all of them and maybe we'll get yours on the air next Friday at 7 o'clock. Hey Bay Area, good morning. Coffee, please. Wake up with Sarah and Vinnie. This is amazing. Every morning on Alice. 973. Guys, it's no use putting it off. The best time for an underwear refreshes now. Tommy John underwear is designed for a perfect fit that stays put all day. There's zero shape thanks to four

18:47times more stretch than competing brands. And their innovative horizontal quick draw fly is a game changer. With over 30 million pairs sold, there are thousands of men out there more comfortable than you. Don't settle for less. Go to TommyJohn.com today for 25% off your first order with code comfort. That's TommyJohn.com code comfort. Tommy John. Comfort. Perfected. Have you or a family member been diagnosed with early-stage non-small cell lung cancer that can be removed by surgery? Consider talking to an oncologist about your treatment options. Why? Because knowing your options before you have surgery can help your care team develop a treatment plan that's right for you. Learn about a potential treatment plan before and after surgery at AskBeforeSurgery.com. That's AskBeforeSurgery.com and talk to an oncologist before your surgery. Oh, could this vintage store be any cuter? Right? And the best part? They accept discover. Accept discover? In a little place like this?

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