Andrew & Charlie Investigate | Episode 30: Restaurants

0:00Restaurants are such a vital culture establishment that you'd be forgiven for thinking they've been around forever but in truth restaurants are a recent modern invention. In a historically minimal time that they've been around they've not simply provided communities with food but have served as the location of the countless important life events. Restaurants however are under threat. With the global pandemic the rise of home delivery services and the cost of living crisis going out for dinner is becoming less of a habit and more of a sporadic tradition. So should we strive to support local restaurants or accept a new culture of food should we value fine dining over local cooking. How can we make restaurants more affordable and is our modern focus on popularity and identity ruining our restaurants. Tell

1:01me on some of these questions I'm drawing by Charlie Milner whose idea of going out for dinner is eating beans on his doorstep. Charlie thank you for joining me. Charlie I believe you've written a song about restaurants for us would you like to take that away please. I have. I'm trying to be your little onion. I want to shower you with love and fun. I'll massage your feet. I will kiss your bunions. Let's try to do it about restaurants all about love. You care you have to learn how to run. So just let's not use onions as a metaphor for finding the right woman. Okay let's do a song about restaurants knives and forks and cut lorry. I'm going to bring your food to you. I've got plates and I've got spoons. I've got lots of poems and I've got tunes. I want to learn to learn the runes and move to you in Scandinavia. We've got everything here from meat to cheese to eggs. You can order it on

2:02the menu. You got to learn to pizza express yourself. Come out of your shell and go to ask me Italian and I'll give you a present. So welcome to the podcast I suppose after that. Restaurants is a theme of topic today. We're going to dedicate this episode to Ask Italian which is the probably the worst restaurant chain that exists. I've got quite a lot of home. What do you call it? I'm a stout. I'm comforts. I've got quite a lot of nostalgia for Ask Italian. I used to go to the Burgess Hill. I think it's shite. It's like coming in next to Uncle Sam's. Any Burgess Hill people watching? Uncle Sam is in the country. No, not as in the mascot for America. Is he a mascot? I have an auntie Sam. Riddle me that. I've got an uncle called and he's troubled. What's he troubled with? He's graved digging. He's graved digging. He's got a graved digging uncle. Well, yeah, hobby work. Work and play. Work and be. He doesn't enjoy it. But never the twain should make. So why is he if he doesn't enjoy it? He's on the doll, but he unfortunately he fucked it as a as a young man. And he got a PhD. He's very well

3:06educated. He absolutely loves books. I don't. I prefer kind of drawing. But he basically got a whole PhD really smashed out education. But then sort of fucked it along the way and is now completely unemployable. So he's sort of how do you fuck it? But I just fanning about reading books. Never getting never actually like getting a job. And now he's a gravedigger. Now he's a gravedigger. You said he doesn't have a word. I might say his name at in case he's. We'll bleep it. We'll bleep it. So unlikely that he does. And you said he doesn't for work and play. Yes. What's the plan? What's the plan? He sort of dances in the group. No, fan he's about by grave digging. He does. He does a little twirl. I've fanning about for a while. I haven't graved dug ever. Graved digging is a you've got to inject some joy because fundamentally it's a sad venture. It's not like there's no it's a it's a craft. But it's a sad craft. And I mean, we'll bleep him. My unkey. I like to keep the gravedigger from graves. Yes. But why did he talk about him? Oh, yeah, he. Why did I talk about him? We were talking about Ask Italian. And I said, if we really have to trace it, we were talking

4:09about Ask Italian. And I said, it was next to Uncle Sam's. You said what the country? And I said, no, not the mascot for the country. I said, but I have an auntie, Sam, riddle me that. And you started talking about your unkey. The gravedigger is on key Sam. The country of the mascot. Uncle Sam is the country. The United States of America isn't called Uncle Sam. Well, maybe it should be because who's this uncle? And what's his, like, where's he? Why should it be called? What's your, give me some, give me two good reasons why America should be called Uncle Sam. Because it would mean that we could have places like Gibraltar being kind of auntie Perlin or cousin Carl. Yeah. And it's the whole whole world because then the kind of family so that we can see ourselves as a family globalization is obviously gone too far in some people's opinion. I want it to go further. I think it's a good idea. I want everybody to be the whole, the whole world. Mongolia is kind of mainly Mongolia. Maggie. Mami. Mami Mongolia. Or Nice Serbia. I think the problem with this is there's quite a lot of countries and putting those into a family is going to be difficult. Also, I imagine a lot of people are going into a lot of country. What are you talking about? Stop

5:10whispering into it. Also make it a point. Have your own fucking conversation. But anyway, restaurants. Restaurants, we're here to investigate restaurants. We've done very little on restaurants thus far. But we're going to change that right now and jump into some restaurants. So Charlie. Favorite restaurant. The pizza hut lunchtime buffet in Brighton Marina. You go to the you go to the Brighton Marina. You play a game bowling at Hollywood Bowl. You go to the cinema. You have a you have an all you can eat lunch buffet of pizza hut. Is there anything better than that, Charlie? Buffett's brilliant. I love all hotel hotel breakfast. Fuck off. Fucking banging. Jack off. Best things ever. Wank me in the car. Wank me in the car. I'm full of beans. Do you know what I mean? Yes. I do know exactly what you mean. I love the cheap beans at a buffet. I love those little grilled tomatoes. Yes. Unfortunately, I don't really have a favorite restaurant because I love I love all food. I think I'd be a really bad food critic. Yeah. Because I would just I'd just every single thing they brought me. I'd be like, that's absolutely banging. Thank like

6:10what is that? There's food you don't like isn't there? What is it? Chicken Caesar is the only thing I don't know. Such bizarre thing as your only thing is chicken Caesar. So it's the source I imagine. Yeah. It's kind of it's the more of a memory because I had a traumatic experience with the chicken Caesar as a boy. Plenty to share. To the camera, please. I had a chicken Caesar at school and don't change your accent. I do it when I feel vulnerable. Okay. And basically I ate it and then I threw up in the bath. It's kind of a yoghurty milky substance and I blame chicken Caesar and I never got back. So it was a bad experience. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I had annoyingly I had that with curry sauce at uni. I had I was out on the terrain. I had some chips and curry sauce. I got back to bed and then had the worst stomach bug in my life and I'm showing up for five days. Well, Charlie had a bit more than the runs. The poops. I had the poops. And yeah, can't really do curry sauce in the same way. Right. I adore curry sauce. Can we please imagine a scenario where let's food let's be through food critics. Let's. Okay. And what like right in an article. No, in in person.

7:12Oh, the right to a guy. Okay. Um, I'm going to whom I your your my your the chef and I am okay. I'm the chef serving you your meal directly. Okay. And I'm the critic from the telegraph. My name is Norman Trout. Not okay. Norman Trout. And I'm Herschel Salmon. No, you're a Scott Cheg. You're Scotch Scotch Cheg. All right. You can't just change my name. I can't. You don't have the authorities to change my name in the telegraph. You're Scot Cheg. Okay. This is the start. We've already started. Okay. Well, that's not my name. Well, no, it is for tonight. And I'm the critic. And if you say no, we'll remove whatever you say. First off, we've got scallops with a light pea stew on the side accompanied by I don't know. Actually, the waitress will take you the wine. But yes, Matilda. No, tonight, your Christopher packet. Okay. These seems to be changing our names this evening, but just go with it because he's a very influential critic of the telegraph apologies. So yes, this is your first meal. And we serve it with a kind of reduction

8:17of salmon tartar. That is really yummy. Thank you, sir. It's it's all I really like that. There is this dance. What is it? I did just describe it to you. Pepper. There is there is some pepper in there. I'm getting pepper. There is pepper. Yeah. Bring me pudding. We're going from starter to I would like the cake now. I want the the the non-binary version of collie. So this is a this is a fine dining restaurant. Yes, and I'm having a fine time dining, but I want to have a brilliant time dining. Yeah, that is a good response. I will bring you cadeno cadeno. Okay. So that's Charlie's basically what I would be like, I think. Well, you're very demanding. Yeah, I know what I like, and I like what I know. Just renaming people. I thought I'm not sure that's fine, but you know, it is, but I've got like a there's crazy about this out there. No, but also it's like I don't want to come in there and be like, he got any toilets. It's like I want to go. I want to go. Don't need to. But normally, it doesn't go. He got he got any toilets. Come on. Let me get the toilet.

9:18Let me go to the toilet. The toilet. No, part of it is you're meant to stay in the need to make me want gold toilet. That mean need poopy. Oh, she's driving me loopy, making me want to go toilet like I need poopy. I don't think I've ever sent food back. Yeah, I've never sent food back. I don't think I can do it. I love it all. I think people also need to chill out a little bit about the quality of the meal when you're out. Do you know what I mean? When someone's like, if it's great, then say it's great. That's lovely. If it's average, say it's great. Yeah. Yeah. You're out for a meal if your friends or family, it's all good. It's not awful, is it? Unless it's awful. If it's great, then you can be honest if it's great or awful. I guess if there's something like if there's a rat in it, you know, there's a live rat in it. Then it's worth saying something. By the way, if it's unbelievable, then just bring positive us. If it's average, I don't need to be here. Yeah, it's all right. Yeah, it's all right. I just say it's brilliant. Yeah, dinner part as well. It's all brilliant. Everything's brilliant. It's an amazing. We can eat this food in a restaurant together and not like hunt,

10:22fucking koalas and then pick nettles and then put it in it and then boil them under a fire and then drink the fucking soup from it. I worked as a KP for a bit. Of course you did. For a little bit. It was basically like the other runner of the restaurant, the kind of like little boy. I think that I couldn't, I don't think I can hack working is like I think to really make it in the restaurant biz from what I can tell. Yeah. You know, you go in from kitchen porter to sous chef to sommelier. That's a big jump. Whatever it is. You really got a love grub because it's like, because they're in the dead. I love grub to work in the kitchen to be a chef. You've really got a love grub. In the dead of night, it's just you and the onions just hammering it out together. One of my friends used to be a chef and sounds absolutely harrowing. I made him on my birthday actually. We were in the garden and he was crying because his boss was being horrible. I made him cool him and quit on that very day and then he was never a chef again. What's he doing now? He now works for a water cooling company. What's what a cool

11:26I don't want to be water anymore. I want to be some sprite. What happens with water cools? It goes like it's I don't want to be water anymore. I'm moving the flip. I'm moving the Mallaca. I'm becoming sprite. I guess sprite is cool water. Sprite is obviously the coolest what there is. Sprite. Sprite. Sprite. Sprite is not water though. It's lemonade but it used to be water and it's got water in it in its locker. Well then we're then everything's water. Well yeah we are. We're 70% water. We're more than that okay. We're more than that aren't we? Matt's 70% bloody flipping lager probably. Is there anyone who's like 10% who's just dried out? Dry Darren. I just put it over there please. Don't I'm fucking hate? It's just how I want to be. Surely there is. Do you know that episode of SpongeBob worries? Yeah it's your motherland or something. It's your motherland and it's like. It's kind of the episode of SpongeBob I'm talking about. I hope so. Okay yeah and he's like that. You know. A German man. Mark Vumberhorst.

12:28A German is obviously it is a person living with the most severe chronic dehydration due to a rare and metabolic disease. Go on diabetes, insipidus. He must consume over 20 litres of water daily to prevent himself from dying. Fucking hell. Vumber. Vumbernhorst. Vumbernhorst. 20 litres of water a day to not die. I'd be bored out of my fucking mind. I'd be bored out of my mind as well. You'd be out out and about with them. Where you going? I've got to go drip my water or I'll fucking die. So that seems like you get time to jump into thinkers corner where we're going to dive into some thoughts of the greatest and best minds that have ever lived and ever will live about the topic of this week, which is restaurants. We're going to start with some quotes from some restaurant thinkers and here we go into that. Okay let's get Bobby Flambe out here. Bobby Flambe. Take it away Bobby. I think everybody at some point in time has thought to themselves I have a really great idea for a restaurant. What would your restaurant be? Well I've got a kind of chain

13:31of restaurants and it's all about bringing the world together. It's pun based which you will either love or hate. So every, we'll have a restaurant which is called Swede and we only serve Swede based meat and food and everybody in the restaurant is Swedish. We've got tea spain. Wait so sorry. Is it Swedish food or you just serve the ingredient Swede? No we only serve the ingredient Swede and we serve everybody who serves you as Swedish. There's brussels. Yep. Which is everybody's brussels. Is brussels a country? What is it? City. We've also got tea spain which is a bit more involved. Tea spain. Listen it's a bit more involved than it's a bit higher end where the rapper tea pain will wrap to you in Spanish and every food is patata. But you've gone off you've gone off kill to there because you could serve tea. Then North Macedonia. Okay. North Macedonia I like. It's all it's all mashed potato and everybody in there is from North Macedonia. No one is from the south. It's a political issue. Yeah. I've also just quickly if you didn't love that which I'm sure you did. There is also the last supper restaurant where

14:35yeah it's you come in there and you you can have your death row meal you have whatever you like it can be as simple as a crisp it can be as involved as far graph yeah and you can have it okay so you can order whatever you're on and you will treat you like you're about to you know you you get to say goodbye to your family it's almost like that you get to say goodbye to your family you it's almost about as you have to call them up or no no everybody's there it's like you're about to go get executed and then you go sit and then you sit in the chair and then you sit in the chair it's whatever you method you want yeah okay crucify then you don't actually get crucified you go yeah yeah because it's not a death row meal where you're doing that you should be there with the disciples okay well that's interesting and one of them betrayed you it's the last supper yeah fine lose the death row thing it's the last supper we can do a lot of the traders you can bring the traders themed restaurant which is the last supper one of you gets given the role of a traitor and then you've got to work out who it is or else Christ dies yes one of his

15:41Christ one of his betrays so the rest of just players yeah and then you have like I don't know mead and fucking chicken legs or turkey bones or just seven up and like sweets trying to make it last supper Charlie no but it can be that answer to everything isn't just seven up and sweets we have to have something that makes the thematic sweet seven up sweets and sweets what's that got to do with the last supper those are your different restaurants in your different train are they not is the modern take is the modern spin on it there's something for everyone and it fulfills that kind of self indulgent but but then it's just the traders restaurant then it's got nothing to do with last supper it's just the traders we need Jesus we need Judas that we need you are Jesus and your mom can be jute whatever so what's the point of the restaurant to feel like you're about to die and everybody says nice shit to you so it's death row meals yes so it's not but we're saying that the last supper isn't def row but it's not about Jesus it's just an unfortunate coincidence that it's not unfortunate coincidence they're different things I suppose people are definitely sorry having their last supper I suppose they are I'm saying but you're ignoring the historical significance of the most famous last supper which was the last fucking supper about to die I don't

16:44care about this I don't care if it's there's a contradiction so your last supper restaurant is just you're about to die and you can have whatever you want and everybody sounds a bit like death row to me sounds a bit like a death row meal to me it's death row so let's call it death row the death savels row it savels row it stays or is it a fucking suit place I don't know but death death row row row you're about boat gently into my beef you're fine with that I imagine you love it death roo stront death row stront there we go death row stront works and what it does is it death again it deathly deathly death death roly it death roly allows you to fulfill that self-indulgent carnal desire to kind of go to your own funeral granny's there she's fucking bawling she's like people people people don't desire to go to their own funeral so you could eat the meal beforehand you want to see what the family yeah everyone's saying it all there it's all involved so there's a funeral goodbye it's a goodbye and it's a good bye okay it's a good bye you get your final goodbye see how lovely everything you are and then you go and sit in the

17:48chair you finish your meal and that's how you pay the bill as you go and sit in the chair and then the thing the the you know that head you got a little car comes down exactly you you stick your car to the head and then it's and then it's just the contactless car then you go oh no oh no no no no don't you get any of your included the tip oh no no no no no no no no there you go there you go I like that I think both of them have legs I think you've confused last supper in death row meal a bit but I think both of them are good restaurant chains okay we got the last supper what would you want me to get the last supper and we got death row meals they both work beautifully what would you want me oh god knackered what would mind be I'd focus on What can Andrew Kerwin cook? What's his niche, you know? Which is Stodge. It's rich, Stodge-y foods. So I call it Stodge-y sails, which is after my mum. Isn't that lovely? Or it could even be rich, richards, which is my mum's brother. It could be rich, richards, and Stodge-y sails. And together they make rich, Stodge-y food. Lovely. So all about Stodge-y food is bolognaise.

18:49It's beefing Guinness stew. It's beefing, it's beefing, it's bourguignon. It's kind of, yeah, it's old Irish and English meals. And it's, you leave full. It's Stodge. It's not allowed to come in unless you're wearing brown. There's lots of, you get, you get seated and you just stuck there. You're stuck in your encased in like some cellophagy. There's booths, I mean, there's booths of course. This isn't, you know, the booth. It's the boothiest restaurant in the world. It's a booth. It's the boothiest restaurant in the world for some reason. Yeah, everyone's on a booth. There's no singular chairs. But yeah, I guess you're getting nestled into it. And then you just get stuck somewhere and you get fed for a tube of just stew and stuff. And you come out Stodge-y. And sometimes the chefs are morbidly obese. It's just you come here for the rich. They're loving it. They're indulging, they're happy. They're having a, yeah, they're jolly. There are a lot of people as well because it's so stodgy. There are some, you know, again, sorry to, I know we keep bringing up the curse of the black pearl, but you know those kind of pirates who are stuck to the ship. David Jones is locker. David Jones locker. Some of the red guests have eaten so much stodge that they just sit on the stodge. They just attached the stodge.

19:50They're just like beef and shallots. That's Andrew. And that's not Andrew, you're Andrew. I'm Andrew. I'm the owner of the joint. He came here six months ago. He's had far too much Wellington. And now he's a, now he's a shallot on the wall. He's a shallot. Well, he's shallotted in pretty well to the restaurant. I must tell him that. See, brimlessly. So either I've done some research, actually. There's been a devastating case in the food world. Christ. And it's not just your breakfast that you had this morning, Andrew, which I imagine was fucking delicious. Um, the an activist, fucking pointless activism this. Go and do some proper stuff. Activist frees lobster from restaurant to keep it from being eaten. But discovers later, the creature was a pet. Wow. This is breaking news. This happened on Wednesday, 22nd of April. Right. And that was just around the corner. So this lobster, some fucking guy, or girl, has gone into a restaurant and, um, saved the lobster, turns out it was a pet. And then they've lobed it in the canal and apparently- Lobstered it in the canal.

20:51Lobstered it in the canal. And apparently that lobster would have died because of the stress that it's fucking freezing in there, whereas he's got a lovely little thing here. And the track canal, there's not a lobster in there. Is there any lobsters in the Bristol canal? There is now, there's one. And there's one. And apparently it would have been dead. So there's none. Um, but apparently the worst part of this whole story, the tragic case, the remaining lobster died shortly after the incident because of stress and loneliness. Wait, so there was a remaining lobster? There's two lobsters in the tank. So someone tried to free a lobster. They've mistaken it for a lobster to be boiled. Throwing it in the canal, so that's died. And then the lobster it was with, it's companion. There's also died out of loneliness. Well, that's, you know, very famously, lobsters make for life. So they were boyfriend and girlfriend. They brought, well, they were more than that. Yeah, I mean, the practice of choosing, I mean, this is kind of all Danes thing as well, is like, if you're going to be a carnivore, you've got to be prepared to kill an animal at one point. Yeah, he slaughtered a chicken livin' in an episode, I believe. It's not. I mean, he slaughtered a boar. That was it. Yeah, it's a huge thing.

21:54Oh, yeah, and it was a harrowing one. Well, I kind of agree, like, if I think, if I'm presented with, I guess it's an opportunity to do it, I think you've got to say yes, or you've got to stop eating meat. It's a bit like the hunting thing. It's like you've got to present yourself with what you're actually doing here. We hide behind the, we never see the animals killed in front of us. The chicken to us is essentially just the breast that comes. Whereas, you know, there's a lot of horror behind it. It's like a heart behind that breast one. There it is, there it is. The once was. So I think knowing that is probably an important thing to do. But then the grossness of like going out to a restaurant and picking your lobster. That's fucked. I don't think I could do, I mean, I could do that. But what's in a way, what's the difference? I mean, people will go, that's fucked you shouldn't do it. I'm like, what's the difference? I'm hungry. No, but if you're eating meat, what's the difference? Well, I think the difference is the fact that you're kind of, there's less, there's just something more responsible, you're responsible for. But you are, by choosing lobster, you're responsible for that thing. Of course. But if you go and watch it, you're like, cool. I've seen this. I'm okay with it. I'm not, I'm not like the wally person just getting force fed this fucking bollocks into my mouth.

22:55It's like, I've chose, I've seen this chicken. I've seen this chicken's young. I've seen it's husband. And I'm eating it anyway, because I'm cool with it. There's something more respectable about knowing and doing it anyway. Having said that, if you work in an abattoir, you are mad. Do we have any abattoir listeners? Maybe. Is anyone listening to this while they kill chicken? Maybe. I would love to know if we're murdering animals. It's working on abattoir. Comment. A comment pig, and then a knife. It's a bit much. No, no, that's a lot. Pig and knife is gonna have to be. Well, some people have to, not the emoji. Then this is gonna be, if you're a farmer town, you've got a different perception of what it is, they're just real with it. They actually do this stuff. You just gobble up the meat. Yeah, but is there something, are they kind of enjoying it? I think that's putting an unfair desire on the abattoir work, is that they're actually, if you travel, if you've got a long commute to an abattoir, then that's fucked. That's what I'd say. If you've got over a half an hour commute, then I feel like you could find a different job. If you live next to one, we would, you know, what about,

23:55of course I'm gonna be an abattoir worker. Yes. If there's a long commute, then there's something dodgy. Yeah, if you're getting like two trains to the abattoirium. Yeah. Jelly. Thoughts on jelly. I love it. Me too. Pig and jelly. Wins are cool. Fun. Let's make food fun again, you know? Let's make it fun. There's all these serious scallops and annoyed ostriches and fucking, you know, really, really serious wagons. Jelly's just like, jelly's like, look, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. You can't get me. My dad used to make a dessert at home and it was yogurt with jelly on it and he'd make it look like tits and he'd call it booby pudding. Really? And he'd make it jiggle, yeah. Booby pudding. Booby pudding. That's lovely. Can we have the booby pudding, dad? And he would come out with wobbling jelly. It's so insane. I think yogurt, I can't remember. Or maybe it's custard. Maybe jelly and custard. It's so insane. It's so insane. It's so insane that you say that because my dad used to make, it's amazing that both of our dads are like this and it makes a lot of sense. Yeah.

24:56My dad would always do it around knobs. Around knobs. So often we should do it around knobs with you. When you would know. No, he would always make kind of like penis-based. When my dad was around. He would just like create kind of, it sounds kind of fucked when I say it and I tell him I make anything. What's this happening? We're going into it. Fish finger kind of like knobs. He'd be like, do the pick is dead? Do you remember that thing? Yeah. We'll put the pick is dead in. Yeah. For Chris. The pick is dead was horrified. That was like Christmas. We'll put that in. We discussed it on Patreon. Charlie's dad likes to arrange food in a whimsical man. He's an artist. For the food artist. The pick is dead I didn't like. No one likes the pick is dead. It was something really horrible about the pick is dead. The pick is dead for the listeners. It's basically a kind of pig face. It made of tomatoes and ham. Yeah. It's everything about it wasn't it? There's a lot to it. But let's learn something very quickly about the origins of restaurants. So we'd all think restaurants they've probably been around forever because serving food, taverns, et cetera, they've been around for donkeys. But it isn't, it's a far more modern thing than you'd expect. The word restaurant actually comes from the French term

25:58restaurant to restore slash refresh, even replenish the nutrients in your body. The first one of restaurants was a place selling wholesome restorative broths or bouillons in 1760's Paris called a grand tavern de Londres, run by a guy called Boulanger. Now, interesting that he hasn't, he's not credited with Boulangeries. Maybe he is. Well, that's the confusing thing, but he's missed a restaurant. What's a Boulangerie? He's a bakery? Pretty much, yeah, bakery, get some nice tarts in there. And I don't mean the puddings. Boulanger only saw various soups. I meant the women in there, you see. Boulanger only saw various soups in sheep's foot in white sauce, but it was revolutionary. Hey, come on, shout out to the mutton. Wait, shout out to mutton, because I love it. You love mutton? I love mutton, I feel bad for the lambs. I love lamb too. But it's like, why are we eating all the adult sheep as well? What the fuck is the eating babies thing all about? Why did we not eat baby chicken? I imagine maybe sheep meat isn't that tender

26:58and they're more important to their wool rather than their meat. But long cook it. Long cook it. Whatever that is. Long cook it. Just long cook a sheep and are we happy? Long cook a sheep. Because what's that thing where it's like the eternal stew? And like, can you tell me like? Is it a sourdough? No, it's eternal stew. I think I've seen that. Caribbean, I think. Someone's doing it. Or is it a cause of the people doing it? It's a cultural thing, eternal stew, where you just consistently add to it and it just never really stops. Perpetual stew, that is good. That's right. Perpetual stew, also known as forever soup, a hunter's pot or a hunter's stew, is a pot in which food stuffs a place and cooked continuously. The pot is never or rarely emptied. And ingredients and liquid are replenishes necessary. Such food can continue cooking for decades or longer if properly maintained. The concept is often the common element in descriptors and medieval ints, foods prepared in a perpetual stew have been described as being flavorful to the manner in which the ingredients blend together because it's over decades, I guess. Now, I honestly wouldn't be surprised

27:59if like a little man crawled out after a few, you know what I mean? It's like what the fuck is growing? The mysteries of life. At least a mushroom comes out of that. Yeah, so I mean, there's the building blocks of life. I wouldn't mind having a perpetual. That would be, instead of all this modern meal prepping, just get a perpetual stew going on. It's like a kind of plant on smack. It's like you've got a living thing in your house. A plant on smack. Why is it like a plant on gear? It's not growing quickly. No, but it's just like the fact that you've got this, it feels like a pet almost. It becomes, it's like, he's one of the... He's one of the, the petrol she was one of the family. He's not, he would view it as like a food. It's more than food. You'd just, you'd call him, well, stew, obviously, but you know, you could call him... Steward. Peter stew, perpetual stew. Perpetual stew. I don't touch stew. But then, what's lovely about stew is you can eat him, but he stays alive. But you get a bit of, after a while, it's like, don't fucking eat me. I'm here to stay. No, but we can, because he's perpetual. But then, you adding... It's like having a mate who you could eat is arm, but it will grow back. A chocolate friend.

29:00Yeah, he could be made of chocolate. Or he could be, what would you not eat? If his arm, what food would you not eat if his arm was made out of it? Human mate. If his arm was made out of his arm. You just asked me, what wouldn't I eat? I guess human shits. My mum. Yeah, is that enough for you? That'll do you. Great. So, yeah, a perpetual stew. I'm a big fan of it. Fat meal prep. Let's perpetual stew it. So, before Belonji, if you own a shop, or were a street vendor, you had to be a member of a specific guild, EG. The bread maker's guild, or the roaster's guild. We're a couple of bread makers, aren't we? We're a couple of bread makers. Cheers. We're out here making that dosch. And the bread maker's guild's very different to us. It's a bunch of fucking pencil books. We're just trying to stop us making cash. Right, hustling. Excuse me? Right, hustling. We're out here hustling. You did get excited. I'm paying them Jews for membership. Belonji did not want to pay those Jews. And he realized there was no shop makers guild so his restaurant was born. You're paying the Jews? Who, in what manner? Don't know. It was the first time customers were given a menu.

30:02So, that's the big difference here. As previously in taverns, they would just have one meal that they would specialize in. Much like, I imagine, if I was going to a medieval tavern, you're having perpetual stew. I'm not going to be like, no, sorry, can I have the rye bread with some prawn avocado? You're having what's on the menu. There is no menu. There is one thing. No, exactly. You get what you give it. But with this, so the restaurant, or the restaurant between a tavern back in the day was that you can order more than one thing. Now, it's quite an early, that's a much later concept that I'd imagine. Well, I quite like the fact that you can, you know, I almost prefer that the menu can fritz scare me sometimes. I don't like it. I'm get startled by a menu. It's like, I would rather, it's like, we are serving rice and peas. Yeah. We are serving, you know, you like to be at a restaurant at every point in your life. If there's a choice, you want to go, man, what do I do, do I? And someone just goes, you'll have the sausage, Charlie, won't you? I would like that. But also, if there's something nice about it, it's just like, all right, cool. Oh my god, what am I going to do? Am I going to have the kind of pastor? Am I going to have the Scolope Dodo or the Scolope sandwich?

31:03What's the Scolope Dodo? Scolope Dodo is a, they've managed to bring Dodo I was back to life. And it's, and we're killing him and serving him with scallops. Scalope Dodo. Scalope Dodo. Scalope Dodo. You know, I don't want to have, sometimes it's like, especially if a restaurant serves every single cuisine, they've got curry, they've got mix, they've got high, they've got a fucking roasted. Obviously, you need specialization. I don't want that. I want there to be one big pot of slop and it's like, you can have that. I think maybe a specialization doesn't have to be one dish, but a lot of restaurants have their best dish. Every time I go abroad, I'll never look at the menu. I would just say, whatever you want. Really? Take me. Really? Yeah, yeah, it's quite unusual. But it's the best way to do it. I always have the best meal. Really? Have you ever had, have you ever missed? Has there ever been any kind of fuck ups? Have you ever served you like the loin of pig bum? No, I haven't had like, sheep intestines or anything. Imagine. Imagine. There's a thing somewhere where they stuffed sheep intestines

32:05with rice and something. Foy grass. Foy, foy, foy arse. Foy arse. Yeah, it's foy ar, sorry, I forgot the app. Stuffed banana, I remembered it. It's foy arse. Where is that? What was I watching with that? Stuffed. Ass. It looks. It looks absolutely, it does look awful, but it'll probably be fine. It'll probably be nice. Is it pigs or shit inside those intestines? Or are they cleaning them out? That's a good question. You know, they're shit in prawns. This is something that I've- I'm always getting put in my mouth in prawns. Yeah, because there's a little stem. And I like it. If you buy like raw, like just fished prawns, there's a stem of shit that you need to take out. Yeah, with like a, what'd you call a cocktail thing. Have you eaten it before? Yeah, when Alan and I were in France, I was doing prawns and I was doing so many trying to get all their shit out. I'm just like not caring anymore. It's like we can eat a bit of shit. It's fine. Well, you know what though, given that we're eating them, they're allowed to have had a little poo. Yeah, I think it's fair to the prawns that they could have a bit of poo in them

33:06before we put them in our mouths. Let prawns poo. So that's the answer to the restaurants, which is interesting and surprisingly earlier than we thought. It also kind of makes sense why the French are so into their food and they think they're better than everyone. I think they are. That's a nice, they're not. They're great. They're great. I think the Chinese have a lot to say for being some of the best cuisine in the world. I asked, well, what's the one cuisine that you would eat for the rest of your life if you had to just have one cuisine? Turkey. Turkish. Not Turkey, the not just Turkey, mate. No, I don't know. I don't really love Turkey meat. No, it's very dry, isn't it? It's very dry. It's the dryest. It's very dry. It's so dry. We might as well call it Mark Rubenhorst. We have Mark Rubenhorst for Christmas. Yeah, because he's got 20 litres of meat. The German man. Yeah, well I don't want to germ a man for Christmas pudding. I might like some roast. But it'll do. We can roast a man. Son. You can. There's something wrong. We can roast a man. It's still a roast, is it mum? It's still a roast. Absolutely. Let's carve up the man, can we?

34:06Quality time with your granny. Granny gets to do it. Curving up Mark Rubenburce on Christmas. A tradition for all the family. I want to carve the man. You're not ready yet, son. My friend, Kev, who comes up a lot. Stop talking about Kev, Mark. Kevin Perry, Kev, he has a bit, which is about how, when Grandpa gets cremated, there is a moment where he is like, perfectly cooked. So there's a, there's lots of famous kinds of restaurants. Are you a fan of a themed restaurant? If it's pirate themed. If it's pirate themed. What would that be called? Shibami. Shibami tuna. Shibami tuna. Shibami tuna. We've got the black oysters here. Do you want to hear the joke that I made up when I was a child, which I thought was very good? Yes. The only joke I've ever made up, actually. Please. I think it was a banger. What does a pirate say when he's having breakfast? Yummy food. Sizzle me timbers. That would be when he's cooking his breakfast. He's preparing his breakfast. It's very good, though. So yeah, you do like a themed restaurant. I'm sure there's a pirate themed restaurant, but this is, this is maybe the most famous one.

35:06Don La Wa. What do I ever do to make you make this such a lovely pasta? Why did you go to the golf bar? Because he's called the Don. Ah, Don La Wa. Yes. That can of tuna. You come here to my restaurant on the table and I'm serving food. And you ask me for food. What do I ever do to make you show me such a delicious chicken bag? So Don La Wa. Don La Wa. Is a restaurant completely in the dark. Pitch black. Have you heard of it? I have heard of it. I don't like the dark, though. I'm scared of the dark. The idea is that by taking away your ability to see texture and taste in a food takes precedence over presentation. The front of our steamer will blind so you can get in and out. Yes, they are. I've been. They're blind. Yes. How do you know they're blind if you can't see them? Or is it just what they say? That is one of the densest questions I've ever heard in my life. How do you know if they're blind if you can't see them? That's... I think we found it. We've found the questions who end all questions.

36:07That's going to be our next investigation topic. How do we know people are blind if we can't see them? It's got a point. Has he got a point? I mean, they could be doing anything in there. You have no idea that you can't see anything. See? They could be doing anything in there. Who got no idea what they're doing? What is it being not blind? How do we know that anyone's blind? They can have x-ray with us. They know that anyone's blind. How do we know? Many people that are blind. You can't necessarily see that they're blind. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. Okay, so are you suggesting the people who work at Don Noir aren't actually blind? Is this what we're going for? They think they're making up. Well, they are because it's pitch black in there and they can navigate. They navigate you around to get in there because they've learnt the layout to such an extent. And blind people have better spatial awareness. Like Dexter. What's that famous one? The serial killer, Dexter. No, no, no. What's that superhero who is blind? Red blind superhero. Daredevil. What's your question? The waiters in there are like dead. They're mapped. They've sort of mapped it. They've mapped the restaurant using sort of internal scanners. In many ways they are, yeah. I agree. But they take you in.

37:07They take you in and take you out. So you put your hand on their shoulder and then they go in, right? It's mad in there. It's completely pitch black. Must be nightmare. It's pretty. You have to adjust to it. How do you know them serve yourself? How do you food yourself? Feed yourself. Blind waiters. They feed it in your mouth. No. You've got. You've got. Do you reckon you've given it a go? That you could probably, you know, eat something. Maybe it isn't. I'll just go everywhere. Be fucking nightmare. It does. It's not the cleanest. Well, it's fine. You don't engrave it. They're not serving like the sloppiest food. They don't bring out. Well, they say it's like cucumber. No. They don't bring out perpetual stew. It's a bit more, you know, there's, there's, it's not as, I guess, if it's slightly drier. You're fine. It just don't be any food in the dark. I suppose you couldn't go because you would drop the plate down yourself. I guess that's fucking true. But yes, it's mad. You go in there. Well, you went in there being like, of course, we're going to, and part of the challenges you've meant to recognize what foods you've had and what drinks you've had. And we went in there going, of course, it's going to be easy. I know we've read wine from a white wine. I can know what's chicken and what's not. Well, it's only got a knob in your, in your throat. Are you suggesting they're not blind?

38:08They're just sexually assaulting the members who, of the public, who want to go there by putting their knobs in their mouths? What do you reckon that is love? Is that cock-o-van? Is that cock-o-van? There's cock-o, cock-o-mouth. It's cock-o-may. No, but we, we, we went, we had a start. It was like a fishy starter. And then it was the main was beef. And there was, we were, we, I think we correctly identified that. But with the, with the wine pairing, you went, the first one was a white wine, the second one was a red. They were the same wines. Same wines. Both red. Both the exact same wines. Were white. Red. Both red wine. And they told you it was one was red, one was white. No, we guessed. We guessed that. Oh, okay. Yeah, we thought that the first was white and the second was red, because the fish kind of combination, you may be, it's expectation. What does that say about anything? It said, well, that sight is pretty important for what you're having. But you just don't really know, like, you just think, of course, you think taste

39:08is the primary thing, but it isn't. sight is important in your tasting of food. And we often don't know what we're looking at. And it's, you know, social conventions. You probably more likely to have a white wine with a fish of the starter. But, you know, really played on our, on our titties that night. So, to what, how far could they have pushed that? If you've been having like a, cumin chip. No, like burger versus cabab or like chocolate. Like, where, where does the line of sightwaves like that's obviously not chocolate. That's clearly, but a burger. I think pudding and main, you'd be able to differentiate between. Not sure that I would. Not sure that that's too much help in my mind. You would come out without a single clue about what you just ate. I can't, I just didn't come and gravy. You'd come out, come and, come and gravy. Go ahead and have a clue what I just had, but it was horrible. That was horrible. Just do it again. But yeah, why should we just stop at Don Noir? Why don't we get blind? Why don't we get deaf restaurants? Why don't we get restaurants where you can't touch anything? Why don't we have restaurants where you can't taste anything? Well, that's mad. I need to be able to taste one at the restaurant. Well, what would a deaf restaurant be? That's what I was thinking. Just kind of annoying, isn't it? You just can't talk to anyone. How do you order?

40:08Yeah. It's not the most immersive experience. I think everything's one syllable. So we can't, so we can't speak. So we can't speak. No, you should have to, like, mal, they litry, but like, if you keep it, keep it simple. So it's like, why? Yeah. So you're not allowed to talk. And we've got big headphones on. Noise blocking headphones. Yeah. And you're listening to we're walking in the air. But we can't hear it. We can. They can't. So it's just the pe- The waiters are all deaf. So it's just deafwazers. But we're listening to we're walking in the air, and we're trying to get hold of them. But we're only able to, to and out, to kind of say anything in one syllables. Because they're deaf. Because they can't hear anything. Well, we're just just trying to mind what food we want. That's not wine. That's not wine. Why don't you do that? Or like a bottle. Just elongate in your stomach isn't wine. Yeah. I'm having wine in pork.

41:09And I'm listening. It would, yeah. We're all very custom to that. Best way to ask for the bill. I've got to get out of here. I need to get, can I have the, I need to go. I've got something in emergency going on in my house. I, I need to go now. Seriously. Please hurry up. I got to go out of here. I loved it. I love the food. I love the meal. I got to get out of here right now. Let's, let's stop recording for a minute. But restaurants aren't just about selling food. What? Restaurants are more than just food. There's drinks too. There's drinks too. But there's also psychological tactics for how to get people to eat the right food or the more expensive food. There's restaurants psychology. Okay. Well, the quacks trying to tell me how to think. Restaurant will use a few, restaurants will use a few different psychological tricks to try to influence your dining experience. So there's collar perception. Red, yellow and orange as appetite stimulants. Logos, signatures, menus, and even interior decor often within this color palette to make you order more.

42:15Blue and green are appetite suppressants, but blue stimulates thirst. So it's often used in bar settings. There you go. There's boxing and bolding. Restaurants will also put more expensive luxury items in bold or in boxes. So you can see them first and hopefully order them. And then there's this whole menu eye bounce thing, which is apparently where your eyes go in a certain pattern. So they always put the most expensive dish on the top right hand corner. I'm also a big, there's the music makes a big impact as well. Yeah. Fast food joints play really quick music so that you get out of there quicker. The thing with shops, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. I guess it could just, you know, spur, well, it will spur quicker decisions and everything because you've got high turn over people. Well, I was talking to my friend about this and we did an experiment when we came back to my house and had fish and chips. And then we played a very fast tempo music and we watched everyone eat and they scoffed it down. Yeah, I guess it kind of makes you, is it a stress response? It's just, maybe a bit stress, it's just an urgency. Because it's like, you know, your heartbeat in a way will go quicker when there's quicker music and everything seems a bit frantic.

43:19And then you just eat quicker. Yeah. What psychological tip would, Tatic, would you employ in your restaurant? Please, I'd just be like, please, you're answered to everything can't be you going, please. Please, I need notice. That's not just begging. Your tactics are always just begging people to eat. I can't be like, I show them my family. So you're the owner. I'm the owner, I'm like, please, please enjoy the food. I've worked incredibly hard trying to make this and it's fucking hers. Like my little boy, we've had to pull Lucas out of school because we haven't got any money to make him to get him any shoes anymore. So therefore, please can you eat all of the lovely pasta? Okay, so it's just psychological manipulation kind of begging going around. I'm pathetic. Please eat my stromboly. Well, not pizza, I guess. Not the boy. Not the boy. Not the boy. Okay. Or 99% of the customers are actually actors and they're going, wow, this is amazing.

44:21Wow, wow. What gives it away? What gives what? One of them is like a cheese string. One of them is a cheese string. Oh no, we've employed a cheese string. Hang on. Everything was going so well, but the jig is up because one of the other diners noticed that the customer that our actor is a cheese string. And the room, there's like everyone's like normal. And then there's just fried cheese. And then you keep going. Hold on a minute. That man's a cheese string. This is a scam restaurant. It's like in the Truman show where the cheese string comes up to be like, this is a lie. You were meant to, we were never meant to. So the cheese string is kind of on our side. Get out of here. Then watching. Okay, so it was exactly on the Truman show. If you wanted someone to order the steak instead of the spaghetti, what could you do? If they wouldn't do it and you go, you're making a big mistake. The steak's fucking delicious. Surprise, no way to actually say that. What would you, if I could, yeah, we've already done a really good. Sorry, what would you recommend on the menu? No, the steak. You'd recommend the steak. What do you recommend? It all is great.

45:21I don't. The steak is not delicious. Okay, you recommended the steak. The steak isn't not great. Okay, I'll just not really in the move. I'm going to go with the vodka pasta. I'm going to have the vodka pasta. When are you going to have the vodka pasta? When are you going to say, trust me, it's all good. I'm going to go with the vodka pasta. You're making a big mistake. Finally. I think the kind of odd pleading before it takes away with some of the charm of it. It's not, you know, wink. It's a bit like genuinely terrifying. You're making a massive muck steak. Muck fitty. Muck fitty. Muck fitty's biscuits. McDonald's. We could go on for a while. AIA, I know. I don't know how to farm aIA, I know. Oh, so okay. Listen, Andrew. Andrew. Listen, Andrew. Listen up, Andrew. I've got something to say. Okay, Andrew. Listen. There has actually been a... So, death row, it's a hotly contested issue. Personally, I'm into it if they're really fucked. But a lot of the time, they're innocent and they shouldn't be getting killed for it. I heard the fucking life expectancy isn't great on death row. I'd avoid buying prophecy there.

46:22Most famous death row meals of all time in chronological order. 23. Victor Figuer, eight, a single olive with the pit still inside. I think that's pretty fucking... What would be more interesting, which is annoying, but to see what cry... I imagine most of them are murder, aren't they? I'd rather just keep it nice. But that's like... You've got to be a certain kind of psychopath for your last meal to be a single olive. I think that's fucking amazing. There's no, because that's the kind of spice that's... Why do you think it's amazing? Because it's like this kind of amazing appreciation of just this beauty, like the perfection of an olive. I'm about to die. All I want is a fucking perfect olive, a calamata, picked straight off the vine. And I eat it and I think it by crimes. Maybe. Something magical about that. Maybe. No, you've committed some fat fucking burger thing. Well, let's just speak about John Wayne Gacy. John Wayne Gacy, 1994. He had 12 fried shrimp, a bucket of KFC, French fries and a pound of strawberries. Now, I reckon he might have been a nonce or a kind of a murderer. That's a greedy final meal to go out in. We know about John Wayne Gacy.

47:24A raped torture to murder at least 38 young men and boys between 1972 and 1978. Well, if he had enough KFC, you may be even have done all the awful torture. Why are we giving him all the fucking nice chicken? John Wayne Gravy. Timothy McVeigh. Timothy McVity. Two bites of Mike. Two in a McVity. Absolutely. Two bites of mint chocolate chip ice cream. Yeah. I like that. You like all of them. No, I don't like John Wayne Gacy's massive shrimp or G. Ronny Lee Gardner, 2010. Steak lobster tail, apple pie, vanilla ice cream. What's a mess? And a viewing of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Well, you can view something. That's not part of the deal. Official meal, I guess. Well, I didn't realize that was part of the deal. This is making it a lot better. But if it's the trilogy, is he just by himself time? It's a meal experience. Yeah. It's the essence of the restaurant. Can I watch Lawrence of Arabia, please? Yeah, please. It's about the experience of eating. It's not. It's what the ethos behind the restaurant is, Andrew. What are you talking about? Sorry.

48:24I was trying to have a nice conversation with Matt for a minute there. Just have some, you know, conversation on normal ground for a bit. Sorry. That's my co-host. Ronny Lee Gardner is that meal of having a food. A food and a movie. Yeah. That's the real true culinary experience. It's not just about head down in the slop. It's about having... I don't know the truth. I don't... If you ever go to find dining establishments, they haven't got the Lord of the Rings trilogy playing in the background. It's a brilliant movie, though. But I have said many times before, there's nothing... I don't think there's any more like visceral human joy in life than having a delicious meal watching a great film because all of your senses are in a dancing. You smell, you taste, sight, your emotions. Human connection. Human connection. The entertained whilst eating food. I'm a big no-no. I'm a big no-no. And I'd like to come and publicly say it on the podcast. I am a big no-no. My big no-no is having kids and eating watching the tele with them. You should... I'm a believer in the kitchen table. I've been brought up.

49:24Right. Rather than like a Matilda-E. Yeah. Heldscuffing chocolate fudge cake in a basement or something. Yeah. I think family should eat together. I'm going to find it hard to get there because nowadays, when you're being living by yourself and at uni and like, I'm going to be... I'm very rarely at the table. Other than if I go back and see my family or have friends over or something. If it's just a normal night, I'm watching something. Yeah. And the joy of that. They're fucking amazing. You're like, oh, you're excited for... You've cooked something nice. You're excited for the program. It's fucking go. It is amazing. And now I've got to talk to my fucking kid about him being bullied at school. But I think once you have a family of your own, you'll be more important. You'll see your kid kind of rotting. And I don't know what state everything's going to be in when you have a kid. Yeah. You probably won't have tables. We'll just have... Little people lined up and stuck together with glass just sell it taped on stuff. Wonderful. And they're crying as I'm trying to eat my turnip juice. Yes. Thomas J. Grasso, 1995. Two dozen steamed mussels, two dozen clams, 24 mussels, 24 clams, a burger king cheeseburger, spare ribs, spaghettios,

50:25and he complained when he received standard spaghetti instead. Fair enough. I can play. I can play. You know, you call a spade a spade, but it's actually a shovel. Yeah. Or a sive. Give it to it. Good for mowing your lawn sives. Are they? Well, not really. In the old school anyway. What do you think Thomas J. Grasso did? What is it? Two dozen steamed mussels, clams, burger king, spare ribs. That's got to be a fucking... I think he's a... He's a mass murderer. He murdered sex workers. But he gave murder sex workers. No, I... Yeah. But he... I think he's eating some guys. I think that's a cannibal. What do you think, like, fast food? Mass-produced food means mass murderer. I think most of them are mass murderers, because they're on death row. I think the ones that are doing the... The fast fooders are like... It reflects their kind of lack of... They're sort of green and immediate people. Yeah. Rather than the one olive guy had a bit of claston. I reckon he's like... But I reckon he did the worst thing. I reckon he's organized crime. Can we find out what the first guy did? Would you like to see this guy first?

51:25Thomas J. Grasso. But he's done some... So you think cannibal murder? I think cannibal murder. He was a... American convicted murderer who was... Yeah, yeah. He murdered an old lady. Just the one. Who he strangled. Who... Who elderly women? He's an old woman killer. He's an old woman killer. He's an old woman killer. And... Can you see us? What olive guy did? Yeah, let's see what the olive guy did. My guess may... Actually, I've... God, this is... I'm moving the gold post a lot, but I think the olive guy was like a dismembering torturer. Okay, I think he's organized crime. Okay. Fictive... Fictive... Fictive Feg, where? Figuë. Kinnaptor. Kinnaptor. Who Kinnaptor murdered Dr. Edward Bartels in Iowa in 1962 obtained drugs linked to his execution. He is famous for requesting a single olive with the pit is his last meal. Hoping an olive tree would grow from his grave is a symbol of peace. Lovely. That is lovely. It is much better than the bargain bucket. Yeah, okay. Right. No, that's actually good at night. There's less of like a Hannibal letter thing to him. There's more of a... You know, I want a tree to grow out of me thing, which is much nicer.

52:25Yeah, it's lovely. Which is nice. Rather than these fatty fucking rapists. Fatty rapists. Fatty, fatty, rape, rape. What would your last meal be? I think my last meal. It would be horrible regardless of what it is. I can imagine them bringing it in. Ugh. I think it would be like... A lot of mismatched food. Boost bar. Terrible start. Boost bar. Not even for pudding. Boost bar to start. But what crime did you commit as well? I've murdered an entire family. But... Yeah, okay. What crime did you commit? What your last meal? They disrespected me. I've cared too much. That's illegal nowadays. I would... Yeah, Boost bar. Cabab. Boost bar. Lama shun. Turkish Lama shun. Okay. Full of salad. Vietnamese little broth. Nice. And a... Harry bow cherry. And a packet of star mix. Pretty bad last meal, I think. It depends what you're into, really.

53:26Yeah. What would yours be? I think we've got to start. I want to start with some prawns or shrimp. Like butterfly prawns in some garlic and chili. I think I'll start with that. It's a nice Chebatta. A gentle garlic Chebatta. And then... I'm going to go multiple mains. I guess. I want steak dian. I want steak dian. Who's steak dian? It's my auntie, actually. I want to eat her for my last meal. No, dian's a sauce. It's a lovely sauce. Creamy, brandy. That. And then like a fucking... I think a burger as well. And a roast dinner. Okay. I think... You can order this. I don't have to have what you're having. What do you mean no kebab? What film are you watching? And then for pudding, I guess. I don't... I'd cheese board. Go out with a cheese board. Okay. And then I'd say... I'm having the non-binary column in the caterpillar. Yeah. For my film, I'm watching... And then I'd say... I'd had a gooda life. Those would be my last words as I went up. I was still finishing my gooda.

54:27My last word would be... I am... Always gonna be. Said exactly like this. Get out there. They're about to put the noose round your neck in this world. Hold on. The crowd have hushed. The crowd have hushed. And then we said... We've got Charlie Milner here, who is accused of committed the crime of murder and families. Here is his last will of testament. Where he is to be executed. Mr. Milner. Any last words? I am always gonna be me. And you. Well, being you was a family killer. So, that's not great. And he's been harmed. Poor people, but I'm poor rich. That would be good. Yeah. This poor, but I'm poor rich. Poor people. And that seems like a great time to jump into Patreon Valley, where we've got patrons in the valley. Come and join us on the Patreon. We went for a burger with one. I think we're doing a jam session for our next one. I need to be on the triangle. Charlie being on the triangle. We're gonna find a place to facilitate that. But it'll be wonderful. I think it's gonna happen. You get an extra episode every week. You get free.

55:27These are ad free. There's a group chat. And that's that. There's some wonderful people. I'm having a wonderful time. We've got some herds coming out. We don't have any herds coming out. They've been designing their own production. We don't have any hoodies. That's what we're doing to you. But yes. So, we're gonna take a question from one of the wonderful members of our Patreon. What's going on? What is going on? With the valley. What's going on? It's lovely. You know why? It's lovely. They've all got out. It's like it's the Queen's die. Everyone did it. Everyone's looking incredible. They've got tables. One of those really long tables. It's a massive fate. Yeah. It was one of those really long tables that they've got that goes all the way across the valley. And everyone's out there. From hot folk to the mayor. To lavish towers. To be happy dabbing. We got all of them. Oh, it's one big table. Yes, one big table with everyone in there. Medieval. Balloons, but they're having out. And you know, everyone's, it's a potluck. Potluck's are amazing. I don't know what it is. It's, well, I'm trying to, I'm trying to get one going, which you could come to. But it wouldn't work if you came because everyone would know what you could. You could bring just a pot. You, everyone cooks something. And then you just like buffet stuff. I would, everyone know what I could.

56:27Because it would be the salmon curry. And it delicious, though. I didn't say anything about the quality of the taste. But yes, it would be something. Well, that's a potluck. It's not a great tradition of potluck. I think it's wonderful. I didn't know that was what it was called. I thought it was going to bring a dish, bring all the food in. I didn't know that was called potluck. You thought it was called bring all the food in. So we've got a question from Malcolm Sirloin. Again, I think that's two in a row for Malcolm. Good play, sirloin. And we had to choose him obviously because his name is a food. His name is a food. His name is a food. And we're doing it on restaurants. Malcolm Sirloin asks, if the first part of restaurants means to rest, what does a wrongs mean? I think it means like a round. It's a mispronounced, it's a restaurant. Yeah, yeah. It's like it's a deaf person trying to say a round, basically. Do the impression. Very proud. I did not expect you to do it. And it's staying in. Okay, rest or rest around. It's the deaf. It's the deaf. It's the full sense. It's a deaf idea that you had earlier.

57:29What? Oh. It's the deaf idea that you had earlier about. I don't really get any of that. You're not. He's trying to get you. He's trying to get me. He's trying to get me. The same my first rodeo of that. Look at it. Everyone's getting me. A little smile on his face. Thinks he can come for the king. That was come for the king. Kyle McGetagan is coming. coming. Well, we'll get again out here because you're here to answer your question. I went for a six-course meal at a very fancy restaurant. It was one of the worst meals of my life. It felt completely unfulfilled afterwards. My question is, as some really posh restaurants are essentially terrible, but due to our presumption of high quality, due to high prices, we deceive ourselves into believing it was actually good if you had any similar experiences. Find dining versus grandma's slop. Thoughts. I think I'm more of the grandma's slop. Yes, I don't think so. Yes, it wouldn't take bloody Inspector Moore's to work that out. Is it new too? Yeah, I don't know. I've sometimes it's like, especially with the tiny plates, it's like... Do you not like small plates?

58:32No, I like big plates. Obviously, it's more for both of them. What you want is a big plate sharing restaurant where you all order five mains each and they're all massive. I do really all slop out on it. But I do recognise that that's not a good way to live and I'm kind of gradually paying for it now. I don't know, I wouldn't mind small plates if there's absolutely tons of small plates. You can get plenty, but then I think what would be good for you as well as it reduces how quickly you're eating, because you're taking little bits and they come at different times. Yeah. So you won't overeat. No, overeat. Overeats. We've all got them. Do I have them? No. Do we need to do a sex education lesson? Last week you thought that boys come from sperm and girls come from eggs. So maybe we could do explore sex education next week. That would be good. Yeah. That would be important. But yeah. The only time they're the most recent fine dining, I've only ever been to one Michelin, which is apparently Michelin. Yeah. Is that true? Well, it's like this entire company. The big white guy. Yeah. I'm not joking. It actually is.

59:37Why are they involved in tires? Why are they involved in restaurants? Why are they involved in restaurants? It's an interesting story. I want to get it right. Could you look it up, please, Matt? It was a marketing tool created by Tire Brothers, Andre and Edward Michelin in 1900 to encourage driving. Originally a free guide covering maps petrol stations are hotels. It introduced stars in 1926 for fine dining, evolving. It's a premier culinary rating system. So it was a Tire company's marketing ploy. And now it's this. It's pretty much. Which two guys you love tires and love eating on the motorway? It was a marketing ploy. But did it start out? I love eating on the motorway. Where's that from? It's not a little chef. They didn't just love little chefs. I love the little chef. What a surprise. This little chef was my favorite restaurant as a as a boy. I used to love it too. But yeah, I think it's your balance. Most I think it's about 95% grandma's slot, 5% fine dining on my book. You happy with that? 90% hard graph, 10% look. And that's a wonderful time for us to dive into our piece of pasture. How's the pasture looking

1:00:39chads? The pasture is a massive onion. No, it's not actually. The pasture is a allotment. And we've got Bill and Ben are growing lovely little potatoes and other form of root veg in there. They're moving into supply. Yeah, we're there. There's a lot of food going flying about down in the valley. We need to keep feeding the people. So Bill and Ben have got kind of carrots, celery, actinip, courgette. The basic ingredients for our valley chefs to turn them into wonderful, wonderful, wonderful mouth. So as ever, we're going to finish with some pieces which sum up our thoughts on the theme of the week, which this week is restaurants. So this is my piece and it's called restaurants and it's by me. How was everything for you, sir? Absolutely delicious. Thank you. May I also use a dessert menu? Well, I think I'm going to want more than just the menu, please. I'll be wanting some of those desserts on there, too. Of course, sir. Here you are. Could you sit down for a minute, please, mate?

1:01:39Well, I'm sorry, I'm busy. I'm just sitting down. What's your name? Francois. Okay, Francois, nice to meet you properly. You seem like a good guy. You're good at your job and you're respectful. I like that. Thank you. Yeah, now I've got a confession to make to you, Francois, if that's okay. I'm not a real diner. I'm not coming for the food. In fact, everything that you've served to me today is in a tupperware box under the table. I've got tubes, you see, Francois. Chubes that go from my mouth to the box. So as to keep up appearances, I am indeed eating the food. Are you following so far? Yes, but you have indecent food. Well, that's exactly correct, Francois. Now, I'd imagine you're wondering why I've come to a restaurant with tubes running up and down my clothes in order to not eat the food that I'm ordering. Yes, yes, I am. Well, Francois, this because of you. What? Yes, Francois. Why? You. And why is that? Because you are the reason the restaurant is great. A tentative, warm service from a man who clearly has a passion for the food he's serving.

1:02:41A restaurant isn't about the result of the cooking, it's about the breathing organism that everyone who works here makes it into. The synergy, it's drama, it's fire, chaos, Shakespeare, the Greeks. A human drama wrapped up in a tortilla. To enjoy a restaurant, I don't need to eat the food. I just need to be at the theatre. Wow, thank you for your kind words, sir. And I must say, I love your passion for restaurant. Even if your methods are a little confusing. That's quite all right, Francois. Now, I must insist that you join me for dessert. It would be my honor. Okay, for this time, I will make an exception. So it seems you are from England, yes? Down right, I am. Or at least what's left of it? All these f*** coming over, these b**** boats taking what's ours and b**** b**** b**** bunch of f***. If I had it my way, you Frenchies would f*** b**** b**** before they got to our shores. Am I right? Um, I think I have a table calling me actually. So I'm actually here to

1:03:41gun them all down over. They've got a chance to get anywhere near us. Lutaxi. There you go. Wow, so it's a it's a comment on the state of the world. It's a comment on the state of the world. I will racist restaurant lovers or restaurant lovers racists. Well, you can take the racists out of the restaurant lover, but you can't take the restaurant lover out of the racist. You're damn right. We all got to eat. We all got to eat. Even those that even those even those even those we want to eat us want to eat us something or other people. Um, you'd never truly know who you're serving. You don't. And you know, maybe if we think about that, it's just walking, but they might kind of think about that last like they might have awful awful awful people. It's good that we don't know. Yeah, I was watching something. I was watching a YouTube video yesterday about the guy he abducted loads of people and did horrible things for them. And he's just, you know, you should have to see the picture. I mean, he's just a normal looking bloke. Yeah, but they're not going to have like four hands and like eight. But you kind of think that they'll have like a

1:04:41be good if they did that going on. Do you know what I mean? I mean, some of them do. And that's just a bit on the nose. Yeah. A kind of evil guy is like, and then just like torches and abducks. Come on. Come on. Get a hobby. That's a lovely piece. Thank you. Thank you. It's an important one as well. It's an important. I've written a piece. It is a, um, it's dedicated to the worst restaurant chain that exists. I'm not condoning that. That is Ask Italian. I meet her at Ask Italian. She asked me if I'm Italian. Until I know I'm English. But I can change. We get talking about the state of the union. She asked what union? Well, exactly. Anyway, we go home and grab some crisps on the way. I feed them a cogs as we talk to the telly, watching the weather for a bit of a laugh. We can get the fuck out of the way there. We're staying indoors forever. Together. Thank you. Lovely. Lovely. Well, again, the power of restaurants.

1:05:42I met her at the worst. The worst restaurant chain any of you. And I love her so much that it doesn't even matter. Right. Okay. Maybe she was there ironically as well. She was there because she actually loved it. It was something we had to work through it. Yeah. Because it was a bit of a red flag. And did later on you found that did you ask yourself about Ask Italian and then the liked Ask Italian? Ask Italian. It's a bad name. It's an odd name. Are you meant to ask the Italian what to get? Ask Italian's how they do it, I guess. Because we're not doing it right. Because they have all this amazing stuff. No, it's lovely. And it shows restaurants aren't just a feeding place. We're not just meant to scoff ourselves with beef, lamb, Guinness, and pie. We can actually find people there. I'm sure we've all met people in restaurants that are lifelong friends to this day. I don't know if I have. I'm sure we all have. So what have we learnt this week, Charlie? We have learnt that during death row, death row meal choices reflect the nature of the crime or the nature of the criminal. That's not kind of,

1:06:44I think we got every one of them wrong. Okay. For death row, I would, I would, I've learned this week that for death row, you'd have a boost bar. I think I'd like the idea of just having like a singular peach, but I probably would have like a boost bar. I could back up and some harry. So you've learnt your own preferences. I've learnt that I am setting my ways and what I want to be is not who I am. Yes, okay. How about yourself? I've learnt that restaurants are a far more modern conception than we might originally think and that they're deciphered between a restaurant and a tavern is that you can order more things than one on the menu. I've learnt that they use a lot of psychological tricks and there's a lot that you can do in order to make people eat food. And keep your wits about you if you're in a fully dark restaurant because you might just find you're eating Cocoa mouth. Because all of the waiters at Don Lois are actually not blind rapists. Love you Charlie. Love you too. See you next week.