Alice in Wonderland (Drama)-Lewis Carroll, Alice Gerstenberg

0:00This is Matt Rogers from Los Coulteries, that's with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Los Coulteries, that's Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. You know when people try a new food, and suddenly it's like, okay, hold on. I got a new favorite food. That's the reaction a lot of people are having when they first try Cupid Mayo. Yeah, it's the one with the red cap and the little baby on the bottle. You've probably seen it at the grocery store. And this mayo is different. Most mayonnaise uses whole eggs. Cupid only uses egg yolks, which gives it this rich umami flavor. It's smoother, deeper, almost buttery. Once people try it, they start putting it on everything. Egg sandwiches, fries, burgers, chefs use it, restaurants use it, people who really care about flavor use it, put it on just about anything. Then you'll understand. Cupid, the original Japanese mayonnaise. This week, it vans in Albertsons. USDA choice tri-tip roast untrimmed are 599 per pound. Limit four roasts with membership were applicable. And medium-ripe, hassovacados are 99 cents each with membership were applicable. Plus Kellogg cereals 8.8 to 16.1 ounces,

1:01selected varieties, or peppered farm goldfish, 5.98 ounces are 199 each when you buy three. Limit three offers with membership were applicable. Visit vans or Albertsons.com for more deals and ways to save. Hey, it's Kelly Rowland. You may not know this, but I have Exema. So I get how it can steal your time. But why let Exema take over when you can talk to your doctor about Eppglus? Eppglus, lubricism ab LBKZ. A 250 milligram per 2 milliliter injection is a prescription medicine used to treat adults and children 12 years of age and older, who weigh at least 88 pounds or 40 kilograms with moderate to severe Exema. Also called a topic dermatitis that is not well controlled with prescription therapies used on the skin or topicals or who cannot use topical therapies. Eppglus can be used with or without topical corticosteroids. Don't use if you are allergic to Eppglus. A allergic reactions can occur that can be severe. I problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have newer, worsening eye problems. You should not receive a live vaccine when treated with Eppglus. Before starting Eppglus, tell your doctor

2:02if you have a parasitic infection. Pay partnership with Lili. Respect your time. Ask your doctor about Eppglus and visit Eppglus.com or call 1-800-LiliRX or 1-800-545-5979. Credits of Alice in Wonderland by Alice Gerstemberg. This is a liver voxure cordine. All liver voxure cordines are in the public domain. For more information or volunteer, please visit livervox.org. Actors listed. Stage directions. Red by Michaela Curtis. Lewis Carroll, red by Charlotte Brown. Alice, red by Amanda Friday. The red queen, red by Shawna Kinnett. White queen, red by Elizabeth Clatt. White rabbit, red by Todd. Humpty Dumpty, red by Jeff Machado.

3:04Griffin, red by Brett Hirsch. The mock turtle, red by Ted Delorm. Math Hatter, red by Elliot Gage. The matcha, red by Charlotte Duckins. To our mouse, red by Kimberly Kralis. Frog, red by Larry Wilson. Duchess, red by Elicat. Cheshire Cat, red by Sarah Parshall. Tweetle D, red by Charlotte Brown. Tvido Dum, red by Anastasia Saloja. The king of hearts, red by Ted Delorm. The queen of hearts, red by Eden Ray Hadrick. Naive by Gloria's Job. Qatar Pillar by Atto Bus. Two spot, red by Dave Harrel.

4:07Five spot, red by Dave Harrel. Seven of spades, red by Dave Harrel. Change of credits. Act 1 of Alice in Wonderland by Alice Gernston Burke. This is a Librevox recording. All Librevox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit Librevox.org. Scene 1. Alice is home. Lewis Carroll is discovered playing chess. Golden-haired Alice in the little blue dress. A black kitten in her arms stands watching him. That's a funny gay monk, huh? What did you do then? A red pawn took a white pawn. This way you see Alice. The chessboard is divided into 64 squares. Red and white. And the white army tries to win. And the red army tries to win. It's like a battle.

5:08With soldiers. Yes. Here are the kings and queens they are fighting for. That's the red queen and here's the white queen. How funny they look. See the crown on their heads and look at their big feet. It's a foot of peace. That's what it is. Do they hump along like this? Here you're swallowing the game. You must keep them in their right squares. I want to be a queen. Here you are. Many points to a small white pawn. Here you are in your little stiff skirt. How do you do, Anis? And now you are going to move here. Let me move myself. When you travel all along the board this way and you haven't been taken by the enemy, you may be a queen. Why do people always play with kings and queens? Mother has them in her playing cards too. Look. Alice goes to the mantle and takes a pack of playing cards from the ledge.

6:12Here's the king of hearts and here's his wife. She's the queen of hearts. Isn't she cross-looking? Wants to bite one's head off. Carol moves upon. You're playing against yourself, aren't you? That's one way of keeping in practice, Alice. I have friends in the university who want to beat me. But if you play against yourself, I should think you'd want to cheat. Does a nice little girl like you cheat when she's playing against herself? Oh, I never do. I'd scold myself hard. I always pretend I'm two people, too. It's lots of fun, isn't it? Sometimes when I'm all alone, I walk up to the looking glass and talk to the other Alice. She's so silly that, Alice. She can't do anything by herself. She just mucks me all the time. When I laugh, she laughs. When I point my finger at her, she points her finger at me. And when I stick my tongue out at her, she sticks her tongue out at me. Kitty has a twin, too. Haven't you, darling?

7:14Alice goes to the mirror to show Kitty for twin. I'll have to write a book someday about Alice. Alice in Wonderland, child of the pure, unclouded brow and dreaming eyes of Wonder, or Alice through the looking glass. Don't you wish sometimes you could go into looking glass house? See? Alice stands on an armchair and looks into the mirror. There's the room you can see through the glass. It's just the same as our living room here. Only the things go the other way. I can see all of it. All but the bit just behind the fireplace. Oh, I do wish I could see that bit. I want so much to know if they've a fire there. You never can tell you know, unless our fire smokes. Then smoke comes up in that room, too. But that may be just to make it look as if they had a fire, just to pretend they had. The books are something like our books. Only the words go the wrong way. Won't there ever be any way of our getting through, Uncle? Do you think Kitty would find looking glass milk digestible?

8:18It doesn't sound awful good, does it? But I might leave her at home. She's been into an awful lot of mischief today. She vowns this is knitting and chased the ball all over the garden where sister was playing croquet with the neighbours. And I ran and ran after the naughty little thing until I was all out of breath and so tired. Oh, I'm tired. She yons and makes her subs comfortable in the armchair. Kale replaces the playing cards on the mantel and consults his watch. Take a nap, yes. You have time before tea. We're going to have Mark Turtle suit for supper. My aunt and my mother tell the cook not to pepper it too much. What a funny little rabbit it is nibbling all the time. He leans gently over the back of her chair and sings that she is going to sleep, puts out the lamp light and leaves the room. A red glow from the fireplace illuminates Alice. Dream music. A bluish light reveals the red chest queen

9:19and the white chest queen in the mirror. The red queen points to Alice and says in a mysterious voice. There she is. Let's call her over. Do you think she'll come? I'll call softly. Alice. Hist. Alice. Alice. Hush. If she wakes and catches us. Alice comes through and looking into the house. Alice comes through and looking into the house. Their hands beckon her. Alice rises and talks sleepily. The queens disappear. Alice climbs from the arm of the chair to the back of another and so on, up to the manteledge, where she picks her way daintily between the bases. I don't know how I can get through. I've tried before, but the glass was hard and I was afraid of cutting my fingers. She feels the glass and is amazed to find it like a gas.

10:21Why? It's soft like a gas. It's turning into a sort of mist. Why? It's easy to get through. Why? Why? I'm going through. She disappears. Scene two is scene one reversed. The portiers are black and red squares like a chessboard. A soft radiance follows the characters mysteriously. As the curtain rises, Alice comes through the looking glass, steps down, looks about in wonderment and goes to see if there is a fire. The red queen rises out of the great and faces her hotly. Why? You're the red queen. Of course I am. Where do you come from and where are you going? Look up, speak nicely, and don't twiddle your fingers. I only wanted to see what the looking glass was, Mike. Perhaps I've lost my way. I don't know what you mean by your way. All the ways about here belong to me.

11:23Curzy while you're thinking what to say, it saves time. I'll try it when I go home. The next time I'm a little late for dinner. It's time for you to answer now. Open your mouth a little wider when you speak and always say, your majesty. I suppose you don't want to lose your name. No indeed. And yet I don't know. Only think how convenient it would be if you could manage to go home without it. For instance, if the governess wanted to call you to your lessons, she would call out, come here. And there she would have to leave off because there wouldn't be any name for her to call. And of course she wouldn't have to go, you know. That would never do, I'm sure. The governess would never think of excusing me from lessons for that. If she couldn't remember my name, she'd call me Miss, as the servants do. Well, if she said miss and didn't say anything more, of course you'd miss your lessons, I dare say you can't even read this book. This is Troy Millings from Earn Your Leisure. On Earn Your Leisure, we're all about smart money moves. And here's one most people skip.

12:24And it starts with insureify. Most of us never shop our car insurance. The policy renews every year, the rate creeps up a little at a time, and nobody calls you to tell you. You stay with the same company because it's easy, and that convenience costs you real money. That's what insureify fixes. Real quotes from more than 120 top insurance companies side by side. About two minutes free, no phone calls, no pressure. And if there's nothing better for you right now, insureify keeps watching and tells you when that changes. So you're never stuck over paying. Millions of people have used insureify to shop for their car insurance. So insure with insureify. Go to insureify.com. That's I-N-S-U-R-I-F-Y.com. Insureify.com. This is Matt Rogers from Los Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Los Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. You know when people try a new food, and suddenly it's like, wait. That's the reaction. A lot of people are having when they first try Q-B-Mayot. It's the one with the red cap

13:26and the little baby on the bottle. You've probably seen it in the grocery store before. And if you've ever just walked past it, some people would say that's a huge mistake. Because this mayo is different. Most mayonnaise uses whole eggs. Q-B only uses egg yolks, which gives it this rich umami flavor. It's smoother, deeper, and almost buttery. Once people try it, they start putting it on everything. Egg sandwiches, fries, burgers, some fans even swear by dipping pizza crust in it. And once you notice it, you start seeing it everywhere. Chefs use it, restaurants use it. People who really care about flavor use it. Never try it, grab the bottle with the red cap next time you're at the store. Put it on just about anything, then you'll understand. Q-B, the original Japanese mayonnaise. This week at Vons and Albertsons, USDA Choice Tri-Tip Rose untrimmed are 5.99 per pound. Limit four rows with membership were applicable. And medium-ripe, pass-off of coddles are 99 cents each with membership were applicable. Plus Kellogg cereals 8.8 to 16.1 ounces, selected varieties, or peppered farm goldfish,

14:275.98 ounces are 1.99 each when you buy three. Limit three offers with membership were applicable. Visit vonsoralbertsons.com for more deals and ways to save. It's all in some language I don't know. Why? It's a looking glass book, of course. And if I hold it up to a glass, the words will all go the right way, Kane. Jabberwocky, Twaz-Brillig, and the slithy toes did gire and gimbal in the wave. All Mimsy with a burrow goes, and the moam raced out-grave. It seems very pretty, but it's rather hard to understand. Somehow it seems to fill my head with ideas. Only I don't exactly know what they are. I dare say you don't know your geography either. Look at the map. She takes a right angle course to the portiers and points to them with her scepter. It's mocked out just like a big chestboard. I wouldn't mind being upon, though, of course, I should like to be a red queen best.

15:28That's easily managed. When you get to the eighth square, you'll be a queen. It's a huge game of chess that's being played all over the world. Come on, we've got to run. Faster, don't try to talk. I can't. Faster, faster. How are we nearly there? Why we passed it ten minutes ago. Faster! You may rest a little now. Why? I do believe we're in the same place. Everything was just as it was. Of course it is. What would you have it? Well, in our country, you generally get to somewhere else. If you ran very fast for a long time as we've been doing. A slow sort of country. Now here you see it takes all the running you can do to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that. I'd rather not try, please. I'm quite content to stay here. Only I am so hot and thirsty. I know what you'd like.

16:29She takes a little box out of her pocket. Have a biscuit? Alice, not liking to refuse. Kurt sees as she takes the biscuit and chokes. While you're refreshing yourself, I'll just take the measurements. She takes a ribbon out of her pocket and measures the Mac with it. At the end of two yards, I shall give you your directions. Have another biscuit? No, thank you. One's quite enough. There's quenched, I hope. At the end of three yards, I shall repeat them for fear of you're forgetting them. At the end of four, I shall say goodbye, and at the end of five, I shall go. That square belongs to Humpty Dumpty, and that square to the Griffin and mock turtle, and that square to the Queen of Hearts. Do you make no remark? I didn't know I had to make one, just then. You should have said it's extremely kind of you to tell me all this. However we'll suppose it said. Four, goodbye, five.

17:30Red-queen vanishes in a gust of wind behind the portiers. Rabbit music. White rabbit comes out of the fireplace and walks about the room hurriedly. He wears a checked coat, carries white kid's gloves in one hand, a fan in the other, and takes out his watch to look at it anxiously. Oh, the Duchess! Of the Duchess! Oh, won't she be savage if I've kept her waiting? I've never seen a rabbit with a waistcoat in a watch, and a waistcoat pocket. If you please, sir. Oh! He drops fan and gloves in fright and dashes out by way of the portiers and a gust of wind. Alice picks up the fan and playfully puts on the gloves. The portiers flap in a breeze and the shawl flies in. Alice catches the shawl and looks about for the owner, then meets the white queen. I'm very glad I happened to be in the way. The white queen runs in wildly, both arms stretch out wide as if she were flying, and cries

18:31in a helpless frightened way. Bread and butter, bread and butter! Am I addressing the white queen? Well, yes, if you call that a dressing, it is at my notion of the thing at all. If your majesty will only tell me the right way to begin, I'll do it as well as I can. But I don't want it done at all. I've been addressing myself for the last two hours. Every single thing's crooked, and you're all over pins. May I put your shawl straight for you? I don't know what's the matter with it. It's out of temper. I've pinned it here and I've pinned it there, but there's no pleasing it. It can't go straight, you know. If you pin it all on one side, and dear me, what a state your hair is in. The brush has gotten tangled in it, and I lost the comb yesterday. Alice takes out a brush and arranges the queen's hair. You look better now, but really you should have a lady's maid. I'm sure I'll take you with pleasure.

19:33Toppins a week in jam every other day. I don't want you to hire me, and I don't care for jam. This is Troy Millens from Earn Your Leisure. On Earn Your Leisure, we're all about smart money moves, and here's one most people skip, and it starts with insureify. Most of us never shop our car insurance. The policy renews every year, the rate creeps up a little at a time, and nobody calls you to tell you. You stay with the same company because it's easy, and that convenience costs you real money. That's what insureify fixes. Real quotes from more than 120 top insurance companies side by side. About two minutes free, no phone calls, no pressure. And if there's nothing better for you right now, insureify keeps watching and tells you when that changes, so you're never stuck over paying. Millions of people have used insureify to shop for their car insurance. So insure with insureify. Go to insureify.com. That's INSUR. IFY.com. Insureify.com. This is Matt Rogers from Los Cultures.

20:34He says with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Los Cultures. He says Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. You know when people try a new food, and suddenly it's like, wait. That's the reaction. A lot of people are having when they first try QB Mayo. It's the one with the red cap and the little baby on the bottle. You've probably seen it in the grocery store before. And if you've ever just walked past it, some people would say that's a huge mistake. Because this mayo is different. Most mayonnaise uses whole eggs. QB only uses egg yolks, which gives it this rich umami flavor. It's smoother, deeper, and almost buttery. Once people try it, they start putting it on everything. Egg sandwiches, fries, burgers, some fans even swear by dipping pizza crust in it. And once you notice it, you start seeing it everywhere. Chefs use it. Restaurants use it. People who really care about flavor use it. Never try it. Grab the bottle with the red cap next time you're at the store. Put it on just about anything. Then you'll understand. QB, the original Japanese mayonnaise. This week at Vons and Albertsons, USDA choice tri-tip roast untrimmed are 599 per pound.

21:36Limit 4 roasts with membership were applicable. And medium-ripe, hassovacados are 99 cents each, with membership were applicable. Plus Kellogg cereals 8.8 to 16.1 ounces, selected varieties, or peppered farm goldfish, 5.9 to 8 ounces are 199 each when you buy 3. Limit 3 offers with membership were applicable. Visit Vons or Albertsons.com for more deals and ways to save. It's very good, Jam. Well, I don't want any today at any rate. You couldn't have it if you did want it. The rule is, Jam tomorrow and Jam yesterday, but never jam today. It must come sometimes to jam today. No, it can't. It's jam every other day. Today isn't any other day, you know. I don't understand you. It's dreadfully confusing. That's the effect of living backwards. It always makes one a little giddy at first. Living backwards, I never heard of such a thing.

22:38But there's one great advantage in it, that one's memory works both ways. I'm sure mine only works one way. I can't remember things before they happen. It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards. What sort of things do you remember best? Oh, things that happen to week after next? For instance now. She sticks a large piece of plaster on her finger. There's the King's messenger. He's in prison being punished, and the child doesn't even begin till next Wednesday. And of course, the crime comes last of all. This you never commits the crime. The white queen binds the plaster with ribbon. That would be all the better, wouldn't it? Of course it would be all of the better, but it wouldn't be all the better has been punished. You're wrong there at any rate. Were you ever punished? Only for faults. And you were all the better for it, I know. Yes, but then I had done the things I was punished for.

23:42That makes all the difference. But if you hadn't done them, that would have been better still. Better and better and better. There's a mistake somewhere. The white queen screams like an engine whistle and shakes her hand. Oh, my finger's bleeding. Oh, what is the matter? Have you pricked your finger? I haven't pricked it yet, but I soon shall. When do you expect to do it? When I fasten my shawl again, the bridge will come undone directly. Bruch flies open and she clutches it wildly. Take care. You're holding it all crooked. The white queen pricks her finger and smiles. That accounts for the bleeding you see. Now you understand the way things happen here. But why don't you scream now?

24:42I've done all the screaming already. What would be the good of having it all over again? Oh, it's time to run if you want to stay in the same place. Come on. No, no, not so fast. I'm getting dizzy. Everything's black before my eyes. There is music and the sound of rushing wind and in the darkness the white queen cries. Faster, faster. Alice gasps. I can't. You stop. And the queen replies, then you can't stay in the same place. I'll have to drop you behind. Faster, faster. Goodbye. Scene 3 When the curtain rises, one sees nothing but old black lanterns with orange lights hanging presumably from the sky. The scene lights up slowly, revealing Alice seated on two large cushions. Alice has been dropped behind by the white queen and is dazed to find herself in a strange

25:44hall with many peculiar doors and knobs too high to reach. Oh, my head. Where am I? Oh dear. Oh dear. She saggers up and to her amazement finds herself smaller than the table. I've never been smaller than any table before. I've always been able to reach the knobs. What a curious feeling. Oh, I'm shrinking. It's the fan, the gloves. She throws them away, feels her head and measures herself against the table and doors. Oh, saved in time, but I never, never. Oh, my fan and gloves. Where are my? Oh, Mr. Rabbit, please help me out. I want to go home. I want to go home. Oh, the Duchess. Oh, my friend, whiskers. She'll get me executed as sure as ferrets are ferrets. Oh, you have them. I'm sorry, you dropped them, you know.

26:46The white rabbit picks up fan and gloves and patterns off. She'll chop off your head. If you please, sir. Where am I? Won't you please? Tell me how to get out. I want to get out. The white rabbit looks at his watch. Oh, my ears and whiskers. How late it's getting. A trap door gives way and rabbit disappears. Alice dashes after only in time to have the trap door bang in her face. It's a rabbit hole. I'm small enough to fit it too. By shrink anymore, it might end in my going out altogether like a candle. I wonder what I would be like then. What does the flame of a candle look like after the candles blown out? I've never seen such a thing. Humpty dump these sits on a wall. Don't stand shattering to yourself like that. But tell me your name and your business. My name is Alice, but... It's a stupid name enough. What does it mean? Must a name mean something?

27:48Of course it must. My name means the shape I am. And a good handsome shape it is too. With a name like yours, you might be any shape, almost. You're Humpty Dumpty, just like an egg. It's very provoking to be called an egg. Very. I said you looked like an egg, sir. And some eggs are very pretty, you know. Some people have no more sense than a baby. Why do you sit here all alone? Why, because there's nobody with me. Did you think I didn't know the answer to that? Ask another. Don't you think you'd be safer down on the ground? That wall's so very narrow. What's tremendously easy riddles you ask? Of course I don't think so. Take a good look at me. I'm one that has spoken to a king I am. And to show you I'm not proud, you may shake hands with me. You means Ford to offer Alice's hand, but she is too small to reach it.

28:49However, this conversation is going on a little too fast. Let's go back to the last remark, but one. I'm afraid I can't remember it. In that case we start fresh, and it's my turn to choose the subject. You talk about it just as if it were a game. So here's a question for you. How old did you say you were? Seven years and six months. Wrong! You never said a word about it. Now if you'd asked my advice, I'd have said, leave off at seven. But... I never asked advice about growing. Too proud? What a beautiful belt you've got on. At least a beautiful cravat I should have said. No, about I mean. I beg your pardon. If only I knew which was neck and which was waist. It is a most provoking thing when a person doesn't know a cravat from a belt. I know it's very ignorant of me.

29:50It's a cravat child, and a beautiful one, as you say. There's glory for you. I don't know what you mean by glory. When I use the word, it means just what I choose it to mean, neither more nor less. The question is whether you can make words mean different things. The question is which is to be master. That's all impenetrability. That's what I say. Would you tell me please what that means? I meant by impenetrability that we've had enough of that subject. And it would be just as well if you'd mention what you meant to do next, as I suppose you don't mean to stop here all the rest of your life. That's a great deal to make one word mean. When I make a word do a lot of work like that, I always pay it extra. Oh. Ah, you should see him come round me of a Saturday night, for to get there wages, you know.

30:51That's all. Goodbye. Goodbye, till we meet again. I shouldn't know you again if we did meet. You're so exactly like other people. The face is what one goes by generally. That's just what I complain of. Your face is the same as everybody has. The two eyes, so nose in the middle, mouth under, it's always the same. Now if you had the two eyes on the same side of the nose for instance, or the mouth at the top, that would be some help. It wouldn't look nice. Wait till you've tried. Goodbye. He disappears as he came. Oh, I forgot to ask him how to. She tries to open the doors. They are all locked. She begins to weep. She walks weeping to a high glass table and sits down on the slower ledge. She sits on a big golden key and picks it up and surprises. She tries it on all the doors, but it does not fit. She weeps and weeps and Wonderland grows dark to her and her despair.

31:55In the darkness she cries. Oh, I'm slipping. Oh, oh, it's a lake. Oh my tears. I'm floating. This is Troy Millens from Ernie Leisure. On Ernie Leisure we're all about smart money moves and here's one most people skip and it starts with insureify. Most of us never shop our car insurance. The policy renews every year. The rate creeps up a little at a time and nobody calls you to tell you. You stay with the same company because it's easy and that convenience costs you real money. That's what insureify fixes. Real quotes from more than 120 top insurance companies side by side. About two minutes free, no phone calls, no pressure. And if there's nothing better for you right now, insureify keeps watching and tells you when that changes so you're never stuck over paying. Millions of people have used insureify to shop for their car insurance. So insure with insureify go to insureify.com. That's I and S U R I F Y dot com insureify dot com. This is Matt Rogers from Los Cultures.

32:56That's with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Los Cultures. It's Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. You know when people try a new food and suddenly it's like wait, that's the reaction. A lot of people are having when they first try QB mayo. It's the one with the red cap and the little baby on the bottle. You've probably seen it in the grocery store before. And if you've ever just walked past it, some people would say that's a huge mistake. Because this mayo is different. Most mayonnaise uses whole eggs. QB only uses egg yolks, which gives it this rich umami flavor. It's smoother, deeper, and almost buttery. Once people try it, they start putting it on everything. Egg sandwiches, fries, burgers, some fans even swear by dipping pizza crust in it. And once you notice it, you start seeing it everywhere. Chefs use it, restaurants use it. People who really care about flavor use it. Never try it, grab the bottle with the red cap next time you're at the store. Put it on just about anything, then you'll understand. QB, the original Japanese mayonnaise. This week at Vons and Albertsons, USDA choice tri-tip roast untrimmed are 599 per pound.

33:59Limit 4 roasts with membership wear applicable. And medium-ripe, hassovacados are 99 cents each with membership wear applicable. Plus Kellogg cereals 8.8 to 16.1 ounces, selected varieties, or peppered farm goldfish, 5.9 to 8 ounces are 1.99 each when you buy three. Limit 3 offers with membership wear applicable. Visit Vons or Albertsons.com for more deals and ways to save. A mysterious light shows a drinkpiece sign around a bottle on the top of the table. Alice floats up to it panting, and holding onto the edge of the table takes up the bottle. It isn't marked poison. She's sipsed it. This is good. Tastes like cherry tart, custard, pineapple, roast turkey, toffee, and hot butter toast, altogether. Oh, oh, I'm letting out like a telescope. A mysterious light shows her lengthening out. Music. But the lake is rising too.

35:00Oh, oh, it's deep. I'm drowning. Help. Help, I'm drowning. I'm drowning in my tears. Eesca. Eesca. The Griffin, a huge green creature with big glittering wings, appears where Humpty Dumpty had been and reaches glittering claws over to grab and save Alice. Seen four. It's symbolic of a wet and rocky shore in a weird green light. The mock turtle is weeping dismal. Eesca? Eesca? Eesca? Eesca? The mock turtle answers with his weeping. Eesca? Eesca? Eesca? Eesca? Eesca? Eesca? The Griffin drags Alice in. Lock your tears into the sea with his. He saws as if he had a bone in his throat. He saws as if his heart were break. What is his sorrow? Eesca? Oh, Griffin. It's terrible. It's all his fancy that.

36:04The mock turtle hasn't got no sorrow. Is he on lady? She wants for to know your history she do. I'll tell her to sit down both of you. I don't speak a word to life finished. I don't see how you can ever finish if you don't begin. Once I was a real turtle. Long silence is broken only by the exclamation of the Griffin and the heavy sobbing of mock turtle. Eesca? Eesca? Eesca? Eesca? Eesca? Eesca? Eesca? Eesca? Eesca? When we were little we went to school in the sea. The master was an old turtle. We used to call him tortoise. Why did you call him tortoise? If he wasn't one.

37:06We called him tortoise because he tortoise. Really you are very dull. You ought to be ashamed of yourself for asking such a simple question. Right or not, fellow? What's your day about it? Yes, we went to school in the sea. Though you might believe it. I never said I didn't. You did? Hold your tongue. We are the best of educations. In fact we went to school every day. I've been to a day school too. You needn't be so proud as all that. With extras? Yes, we learned French and music. And washing? Certainly not. Ah, then yours wasn't a really good school. Now at hours we had at the end of the bill French, music and washing.

38:13Extra. You couldn't have wondered it much, living at the bottom of the sea. I couldn't afford to learn it. I only took the regular course. What was that? Feeling and writhing of course to begin with. And then the different branches of arithmetic, ambition, distraction, uglification and division. I never heard of uglification. What is it? Never heard of uglifying. You know what a beautify is I suppose? Yes, it means to make anything prettier. Well then, you don't know to uglify is you are a simpleton. What else had you to learn? Well, there was mystery, mystery, ancient and modern, with geography.

39:15Then drawing. The drawing master was an old conger eel that used to come once a week. What he taught us was drawing, stretching and fighting in coils. What was that like? Well I can't show it to myself, I'm too stiff and the griffin never learned it. Hadn't time. I went to the classical master though. He was an old crab he was. I never went to him. He taught laughing and grief they used to say. So he did, so he did. And how many hours a day did you do lessons? Ten hours the first day, nine the next and so on. What a curious plan. That's the reason they're called lessons, because they listen from day to day.

40:20And the eleventh day must have been a holiday. Of course it was. And how did you manage on the twelfth? That's enough about lessons. There was something about the games now. Mark turtle sized deeply, draws back one flap across his eyes. He looks at Alice and tries to speak but sobbs choke his voice. Griffin punches him on the back. Same as if he had a bone in his throat. The Mark turtle with tears running down his cheeks. You might have lived much under the sea. I haven't. Perhaps you would never even introduce to a lobster. I once tasted. No, never. So you can have no idea what a delightful thing a lobster quadril is.

41:29No indeed. What sort of a dance is it? Why, you first form into a line along the seashore. Two lines, seals, turtles, salmon and so on. Then when you've cleared all the jellyfish out of the way, that generally takes some time. You advance twice. Each with a lobster as a partner. Of course advance twice set to partners. Change lobsters in retirement same order. In, you know, you throw the lobsters. As far out as sea as you can. Swim after them. Turn a summer salt into sea. Change lobsters again. Back to land again. And that's all the first figure. It must be a very pretty dance.

42:29Would you like to see a little of it? Pretty much indeed. Come, let's try the first figure. We can do it without the lobsters, you know. Which you sing. Oh, you sing. I've forgotten the words. Creators solemnly dance round and round Alice treading on her toes, waving four paws to mark time while mock turtle sings. Do you walk a little faster, set a white in to a snail? There's a porpoise clear behind us, and he's treading on my tail. See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance. They are wailing on the shingle. Will you come and join the dance? Will you want to? Will you want to?

43:31Will you join the dance? Will you want to? Will you want to? Will you join the dance? You can really have no notion how delightful it will be when they take us up and throw us with the lobsters out to sea. But the snail replied too far, too far, and gave a look at our scans. Said he'd inked the white ink kindly, but he would not join the dance. Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the dance.

44:34This is Troy Millens from Earn Your Leisure. On Earn Your Leisure, we're all about smart money moves, and here's one most people skip, and it starts with insurify. Most of us never shop our car insurance. The policy renews every year, the rate creeps up a little at a time, and nobody calls you to tell you. You stay with the same company because it's easy, and that convenience costs you real money. That's what insurify fixes. Real quotes from more than 120 top insurance companies side by side. About two minutes free, no phone calls, no pressure, and if there's nothing better for you right now, insurify keeps watching and tells you when that changes, so you're never stuck over paying. Because if people have used insurify to shop for their car insurance, so insure with insurify, go to insurify.com. That's INSURIFY.COM. Insurify.COM. This is Matt Rogers from Los Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Los Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. You know when people try a new food, and suddenly it's like, wait.

45:34That's the reaction. A lot of people are having when they first try QB Mayo. It's the one with the red cap and the little baby on the bottle. You've probably seen it in the grocery store before. And if you've ever just walked past it, some people would say that's a huge mistake. Because this mayo is different. Most mayonnaise uses whole eggs. QB only uses egg yolks, which gives it this rich umami flavor. It's smoother, deeper, and almost buttery. Once people try it, they start putting it on everything. Egg sandwiches, fries, burgers, some fans even swear by dipping pizza crust in it. Once you notice it, you start seeing it everywhere. Chefs use it, restaurants use it. People who really care about flavor use it. Never try it. Grab the bottle with the red cap next time you're at the store. Put it on just about anything. Then you'll understand. QB, the original Japanese mayonnaise. This week at Vons and Albertsons, USDA choice tri-tip roast untrimmed are 599 per pound. Limit 4 roasts with membership were applicable. And medium-ripe, pass-off of codos are 99 cents each with membership were applicable.

46:36Plus Kellogg cereals 8.8 to 16.1 ounces, selected varieties, or peppered farm goldfish, 5.98 ounces are 1.99 each when you buy three. Limit 3 offers with membership were applicable. Visit vonsoralbertsons.com for more deals and ways to save. The creatures dance against Alice, pushing her back and forth between them. She protests and finally escapes. They bump against each other. Thank you. It's a very interesting dance to watch, and I do so like that purious song about the whiting. Oh, as to the whiting, they... you've seen them, of course. Yes, I've often seen them at din... ...checture-self hastily. Well, I don't know where din may be, but if you've seen them so often, of course, you know what they're like. I believe so. They have their tails in their mouths, and they're all over crumbs. You're wrong about the crumbs. Crums would all wash off in the sea, but they have their tails in their mouths, and the reason is...

47:43...mock turtle yons and shuts his eyes. Aaaaah! Tell her about the reason all that. The reason is that they would go with the lobsters to the dance. So they got thrown out to sea, so they had to fall a long way. So they got their tails fast in their mouths, so they couldn't get them out again. That's all. Thank you. It's very interesting. I never knew so much about whiting before. I can tell you more than that if you'd like. Do you know why it's called a whiting? I never thought about it. Why? It does the boots and shoes. Does the boots and shoes? Why, what are your shoes done with? I mean, what makes them so shiny? They're done with blacking, I believe. Boots and shoes under the sea are done with whiting.

48:46Now you know. And what are they made of? Souls and years, of course. Any shrimp could have told you that. If I'd been the whiting, I'd have said to the porpoise. Keep back, please. We don't want you with us. They were obliged to have him with them. No wise fish would go anywhere without a porpoise. Wouldn't it really? Of course not. Why, if a fish came to me and told me he was going on a journey, I should say, with what porpoise? Don't you mean purpose? I mean what I say. Shall we try another figure of the lobster quadril? Or would you like the muck turtle to sing you a song? Our song, please, if the muck turtle would be so kind. No accounting for tastes. Sing her turtle soup. Would you want a fellow?

49:46The muck turtle sized deeply and sometimes chugged with sabs, sings. Beautiful soup, so rich and green, waiting in a hot terrain, whole for such dainty's wood, not stoop, soup of the evening, beautiful soup. So, both the evening, beautiful soup. Beautiful soup, beautiful soup, soup of the evening,

50:51beautiful, beautiful soup. The white rabid enters, stretching out a red and white chugged sash with which he separates Alice from the creatures. Check! They won't let her stay in our square. The queen is coming this way. She'll chop her heads off. Come on, come on, let's fly. The muck turtle ungriffened, grabbed Alice and flying to the air. Curtain. If the curtain rises to reveal, small silhouettes of the Griffin, muck turtle, and Alice in an orange-colored moon, far away in the sky, down below the white rabid is shouting to them. You'll be safe in the March Hare's Garden! Curtain. End of Act 1. Act 2 of Alice in Wonderland by Alice Gernston-Bert.

51:54This is a Libervox recording. All Libervox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit Libervox.org. Same. The March Hare's Garden, showing part of the Duchess's house. On a small platform there is a teetable set with many cups, continuing into the wings to give the impression of limitless length. The March Hare, Hatter, and Dormouse are crowded at one end. Alice sits on the ground where she has been dropped from the sky. Finding herself not bruised, she rises in the purchase of table. No room. No room. There's plenty of room. She sits in a large armchair at one end of the table. I don't know who you are. I am the March Hare. That's the Hatter, and this is the Dormouse. Have some wine. I don't see anyone. There isn't any. Then it wasn't very civil of you to offer it. It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited. I didn't know it was your table. It's made for a great many more than three.

52:57Your hair wants cutting. You should learn not to make personal remarks. It's very rude. Why, is it Raven? Like a writing desk? Come, we shouldn't have some fun now. I'm glad you'd be going asking riddles. I believe I can guess that. So you mean you think you can find out the answer to it? Exactly so. Then you should say what you mean. I do. At least. At least I mean what I say. That's the same thing you know. Not the same thing a bit. Why you might just as well say that I see what I eat is the same thing as I eat what I see. You might as well say that I like what I guess. Is the same as I guess what I like. You might just as well say that I breathe when I sleep is the same thing as I sleep when I breathe. It is the same thing with you. Cokes out his watch, looks at it uneasily, shakes it, homes it to his ear.

53:59What day of the month is it? The fourth. Two days wrong. I told you butter wouldn't suit the works. It was the best butter. Yes, but some crumbs must have guided in as well. You shouldn't have put it in with the bread knife. The March Hare takes the watch, looks at it gloomily, dips it into his cup of tea and looks at it again. But doesn't know what else to say. It was the best butter, you know. What a funny watch. It tells the day of the month and doesn't tell what a clock it is. Why should it? Does your watch tell you what year it is? Of course not, but that's because it stays the same year for such a long time together. Which is just the case with mine. I don't quite understand you. What you said had no sort of meaning in it, and yet it was certainly English. The hatcher pours some hot tea onto the dorm house's nose. The dorm house is asleep again.

55:02Of course, of course. Just what I was going to remark myself. Have you guessed the riddle yet? No, I give it up. What's the answer? I haven't the slightest idea. No, right. I think you might do something better with the time, than wasting it and asking riddles that have no answers. If you knew time as well as I do, you wouldn't talk about wasting it. It's him. I don't know what you mean. Of course you don't. I dare say you never even spoke to time. Perhaps not, but I know I have to beat time when I learn music. Ah, the Vat accounts for it. He won't stand beating. Now if you only kept on good terms with him, he'd do almost anything you liked with the clock. For instance, suppose it were nine o'clock in the morning just time to begin lessons.

56:02You'd only have to whisper a hint to time, and round goes the clock in a twinkling. Half past one. Time for dinner. I only wish it was. That would be grand certainly, but then I shouldn't be hungry for it, you know. Not at first, perhaps, but you could keep it to half past one as long as you like. Is that the way you manage? Not I. We quarreled last March just before he would met. You know, it was at the great concert given by the Queen of Hearts, and I had to sing. Twinkle, twinkle, little Bats. How I wonder what you're at. You know the song, perhaps? I've heard something like it. Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle. Well, I'd hardly finished the first verse. When the Queen balled out, he's murdering the time.

57:07Off with his head. How dreadfully savage! And ever since that, he won't do a thing, I ask. It's obviously six o'clock now. Is that the reason so many tea things are put out here? Yes, that's it. It's always tea time, and we've no time to wash the things between wiles. Then you keep moving round, I suppose. Exactly. So as the things get used up, but when you come to the beginning again, suppose we change the subject. I vote the young lady tells us a story. I'm afraid I don't know one. Then the dormous shall wake up dormous. They pinch him on both sides at once. The dormous open-sits are slowly inside on a horse's feeble voice. I wasn't asleep. I heard every word you fellows were saying. Tell us a story.

58:10Yes, please do. And be quick about it, or you'll be asleep again before it's done. Once upon a time, there were three little sisters, and their names were Elsie, Lacey, and Tilly, and they lived at the bottom of a well. What did they live on? They lived on Tricol. They couldn't have done that, you know, they had been ill. So they were very ill. But why did they live at the bottom of a well? Have some tea! I've had nothing yet, so I can't take more. You mean you can't take less? It's very easy to take more than nothing. Nobody asked your opinion. Who's making personal remarks? No. Alice helps herself to tea and bread and butter. Why did they live at the bottom of a well? The dormous takes a minute or two to think. Hmm, it was a Tricol well. There has now such thing.

59:16If you can't be civil, you'd better finish the story for yourself. No, please go on. I won't interrupt you again. I dare say there may be one. One indeed. And so these three little sisters, they were learning to draw you now. What did they draw? Trigger. I want a clean cup. Let's all move one place on. Hasha moves on. Dormous takes this place. March hair takes Dormous's place and Alice unwindingly takes March hair's place. I'm worse off than I was before. You've upset the milk jug into your plate. It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited. Where did they draw the trekker from? You can draw water out of a water well. So I should think you could draw a trickle out of a trickle well. And stupid. But they went in the well. Of course they were

1:00:18well in. They were learning to draw and they drew a manner of things. Everything that begins within them. Why with an M? Why not? Alice is silent and confused. Hasha pinches Dormous to wake him up. The Dormous wakes up with a little shriek and continues. Geek! That begins within M such as mouth traps and the moon and memory and muchness. You know you say things are much of a muchness. Did you ever see such a thing as a drawing of a muchness? Did you? Really now you ask me. I don't think. Then you shouldn't talk. No. Alice rises and walks away. You are very rude. It's the stupidest tea party I ever was at in all my life. The white rabbit enters carrying a huge envelope with a seal and crown on it. No room. No room. Rabbit pays no attention to them but goes to the house and wraps loudly.

1:01:22A footman in livery with a round face and large eyes like a frog and powdered hair opens the door. For the Duchess, an invitation from the queen to play croquet. From the queen, an invitation for the Duchess to play croquet. White rabbit bows and goes out. No room. No room. No room. No room. The frog disappears into the room that leaves the door open. There is a terrible thing and many sauce pans fly out. She's out again. This is Troy Millens from Ernie Leisure. On Ernie Leisure, we're all about smart money moves and here's one most people skip and it starts with insureify. Most of us never shop our car insurance. The policy renews every year, the rate creeps up a little at a time and nobody calls you to tell you. You stay with the same company because it's easy and that convenience costs you real money. That's what insureify fixes. Real quotes from more than 120 top insurance companies side by side. About two minutes free, no phone calls, no pressure.

1:02:27And if there's nothing better for you right now, insureify keeps watching and tells you when that changes so you're never stuck over paying. Millions of people have used insureify to shop for their car insurance. So insure with insureify. Go to insureify.com. That's I-N-S-U-R-I-F-Y.com. This is Matt Rodgers from Lost Cultures. This is Matt Rodgers in Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Lost Cultures. This is Matt Rodgers in Bowen Yang. You know when people try a new food and suddenly it's like, wait. That's the reaction. A lot of people are having when they first try QB mayo. It's the one with the red cap and the little baby on the bottle. You've probably seen it in the grocery store before. And if you've ever just walked past it, some people would say that's a huge mistake because this mayo is different. Most mayonnaise uses whole eggs. QB only uses egg yolks, which gives it this rich umami flavor. It's smoother, deeper, and almost buttery. Once people try it, they start putting it on everything. Egg sandwiches, fries, burgers, some fans even swear by dipping pizza crust in it.

1:03:30And once you notice it, you start seeing it everywhere. Chefs use it. Restaurants use it. People who really care about flavor use it. Never try it. Grab the bottle with the red cap next time you're at the store. Put it on just about anything. Then you'll understand. QB, the original Japanese mayonnaise. This week at Vons and Albertsons, USDA choice tri-tip roasts untrimmed are 599 per pound. Limit 4 roasts with membership wear applicable. And medium-ripe, half-sofficados are 99 cents each, with membership wear applicable. Plus Kellogg cereals 8.8 to 16.1 ounces, selected varieties, or peppered farm goldfish, 5.9 to 8 ounces, are 1.99 each when you buy three. Limit 3 offers with membership wear applicable. Visit vonsoralbertsons.com for more deals and ways to save. It's perfectly disgusting. Let's move on. The platform moves off with the table chairs, march hair, had her, and dorms. Meanwhile, the frog has come out again and is sitting near the closed door, staring stupidly at the sky. Alice goes to the door timidly and knocks.

1:04:35There's no sort of use in knocking. And that for two reasons. First, because I'm on the same side of the door as you are. Secondly, because they're making such a noise inside, no one can possibly hear you. Please then, how might you get in? There might be some sense in your knocking if we had the door between us. For instance, if you were inside, you might knock and I could let you out, do you know? How am I to get in? I shall sit here till tomorrow. The door opens and a large plate skims out straight at the frog's head. It grazes his nose and breaks into pieces. The frog acts as if nothing had happened. Or next day, maybe. How am I to get in? Are you to get in at all? That's the first question, you know. It's really dreadful the way all your creatures argue.

1:05:39It's enough to drive one crazy. I shall sit here on and off for days and days. But what am I to do? Anything you like. He begins to whistle. Where's the servant who's business it is to answer the door? Which door? This door, of course. The frog looks at the door and rubs his thumb on it to see if the paint will come off. To answer the door? What's it been asking for? I don't know what you mean. I speak English, doesn't I? Or are you deaf? What did it ask you? Nothing. I've been knocking at it. Shouldn't do that. Shouldn't do that. Vex is it, you know. He kicks the door. You let it alone. And it'll let you alone, you know. Oh, there's no use talking to you. She starts to open the door just as the Duchess comes out carrying a pig and baby's clothes. She sneezes, frog sneezes, and Alice sneezes.

1:06:44If everybody minded her own business, it's pepper. Of course, my cook puts it in the soup. There's certainly too much pepper in the soup. Sneeze then and get rid of it. Duchess begins to sing to the baby, giving it a violent shake at the end of every line of the Lola by. Speak roughly to your little boy and beat him when he sneezes. Frog and Alice sneezes. He only does it to an eye because he knows it's Jesus. Duchess sneezes. Frog sneezes. Alice sneezes. I speak severely to my boy. I beat him when he sneezes. Frog sneezes. Alice sneezes. At you. For he can thoroughly enjoy the pepper when he pleases. Duchess sneezes. Frog sneezes. Alice sneezes. Duchess gasps and gives a tremendous sneeze.

1:07:53Hope dear. She jumps aside as kittles and pots come flying out of the door. The Duchess pays no attention. What a cook to have. She calls inside. Oh, please mind what you're doing. Another pen comes out and almost hits the baby. Oh, Megos' precious nose. If everybody minded her own business, the world would go round a deal faster than it does. Which would not be an advantage. Just think what work it would make with the day and night. You see the Earth takes 24 hours to turn round on its axis. Talking of axis chop off her head. The head of a grinning Cheshire cat appears in a tree above a wall. Oh, what's that? Cat, of course. Why does it grin like that? It's a Cheshire cat and that's why. To baby. Pig. I didn't know that Cheshire cats always grinned. In fact, I didn't know that cats could grin. They all can and most of them do. I don't know if any of that do. You don't know much and

1:08:57that's a fact. Here you may nurse it a bit if you like. Flings the baby at Alice. I must go and get ready to play croquet with the queen. She goes into the house. If I don't take this child away with me, they're sure to kill it in a day or two. Cheshire puss, would you tell me please which way out to walk from here? That depends a good deal on where you want to get to. I don't much care where? Then it doesn't matter which way you walk. So long as I get somewhere. Oh, you're sure to do that. If you normally walk long enough. Please, will you tell me what sort of people live about here? All mad people. But I don't want to go among mad people. Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad he's mad. He's dreaming now and what do you think he's dreaming about? Alice goes to the frog to scrutinize his face. Nobody could guess that.

1:09:59Why about you? And if you left off dreaming about you, where do you suppose you'd be? Where I am now, of course. Not you. You'd be nowhere. Why, you're only a sort of thing in his dream. And you're mad too. How do you know I'm mad? You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here. How do you know that you're mad? To begin with, a dog's not mad. You grant that. I suppose so. Well then, you see a dog growls when it's angry and wags its tail when it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm pleased and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore, I'm mad. I call it purring, not growling. Call it what you like. Do you play croquet with the queen today? I should like it very much, but I haven't been invited yet. You'll see me there. Vanishes.

1:10:59Alice to the squirming baby. Oh dear, it's heavy and so ugly. Don't grunt. Oh, oh, it's a pig. Please, Mr. Footman, take it. Frog rises with dignity, whistles and disappears into the house. A kettle comes bounding out. Alice puts pig down and it crawls off. The cat appears again. By the by, what became of the baby? It turned into a pig. I thought it would. Vanishes. Frog comes out of the house with hedgehogs and flamingos. Cat reappears. Did you say pig or fig? I said pig, and I wish you wouldn't keep appearing and vanishing so suddenly. You make one quite giddy. All right. It's vanishes slowly. Frog puts flamingos down and re-enters the house. While Alice is examining the flamingos curiously, twiddle dumb and twiddle D, each with an arm around the other's neck,

1:11:59sidestep in and stand looking at Alice. Alice turns, sees them, starts in surprise and involuntarily whispers. Twiddle D, dumb. If you think or wax works, you ought to pay. The first thing in the visit to say is how do you do? And shake hands. The brothers give each other a hug and then hold out the two hands that are free to shake hands with her. Alice does not like shaking hands with either of them first. Prefer of hurting the other one's feelings. She takes hold of both hands at once and they all dance around in a ring quite naturally to music. Here we go round the Mulberry Bush. But would you tell me which road leads out of what shall I repeat to her? Gives his brother an affectionate hug. The sun was shining. If it's very long would you please

1:13:00tell me best which road? The moon was shining soakily. The sea was wet. The sea was wet. A sweat could be. Oh oysters come and walk with us the while we stood by siege. A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk along the brani beach. The else oyster winked his eye and shook his heavy head. Meaning to say he did not choose to leave the oyster bed. But four young oysters hurried up and yet another four. And seek and fast they came at last and more and more and more. The waters and the carpenter walked mile or so. And then they rested on a rock, conveniently low. And all the little oysters stood waiting in a row. A loaf of bread the walrus said is what we chiefly need. Now if you're ready oysters dear we can begin to feed.

1:14:01But not on us. The oysters cried, turning keelito blue. The night is fine the walrus said. Do you admire the view? The carpenter said nothing but caught us another slice. I wish you were not quite so deep. I've had to ask you twice. This is Troy Millens from Earn Your Leisure. On Earn Your Leisure we're all about smart money moves. And here's one most people skip and it starts with insureify. Most of us never shop our car insurance. The policy renews every year, the rate creeps up a little at a time and nobody calls you to tell you. You stay with the same company because it's easy and that convenience costs you real money. That's what insureify fixes. Real quotes from more than 120 top insurance companies side by side. About two minutes free, no phone calls, no pressure. And if there's nothing better for you right now, insureify keeps watching and tells you when that changes so you're never stuck over paying. Millions of people have used insureify to shop for their car insurance. So insure with insureify. Go to insureify.com. That's I-N-S-U-R-I-F-Y.com.

1:15:10This is Matt Rodgers from Lost Culturistas with Matt Rodgers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Lost Culturistas with Matt Rodgers and Bowen Yang. You know when people try a new food and suddenly it's like, wait. That's the reaction. A lot of people are having when they first try QB Mayo. It's the one with the red cap and the little baby on the bottle. You've probably seen it in the grocery store before. And if you've ever just walked past it, some people would say that's a huge mistake because this mayo is different. Most mayonnaise uses whole eggs. QB only uses egg yolks, which gives it this rich umami flavor. It's smoother, deeper, and almost buttery. Once people try it, they start putting it on everything. Eggs sandwiches, fries, burgers, some fans even swear by dipping pizza crust in it. And once you notice it, you start seeing it everywhere. Chefs use it. Restaurants use it. People who really care about flavor use it. Never try it. Grab the bottle with the red cap next time you're at the store. Put it on just about anything. Then you'll understand. QB, the original Japanese mayonnaise. This week at Vons and Albertsons, USDA Choice Tri-Tip Roast untrimmed are 599 per pound.

1:16:15Limit 4 roasts with membership were applicable. And medium-ripe, half-sofficados are 99 cents each with membership were applicable. Plus Kellogg's cereals 8.8 to 16.1 ounces, selected varieties, or peppered farm goldfish, 5.9 to 8 ounces are 190 each when you buy three. Limit 3 offers with membership were applicable. Visit Vons or Albertsons.com for more deals and ways to save. It seems a shame the walrus said to play such a trick after he brought them so far and made them trot so quick. Or oysters say the cup and tear. You've hit a pleasant run. Shall we be trotting home again? But answer came them none. This was scarcely odd because they'd eaten every. Did you see that? D interrupts in a passion pointing to a white rattle on the ground. It's only a rattle. Dums stamps wildly in tears his hair.

1:17:19I knew it was. It's spoiled of course. My nice new rattle. To D. You agree to have a battle. He collects saucepan and pots. D picks up a saucepan. I suppose so. Let's fight till dinner. If they go out hand in hand. Alice hears music. I wonder what is going to happen next. She backs downstage respectfully as the king and queen hearts enter, followed by the native hearts carrying the king's crown on a crimson velvet cushion and the white rabbit and others. When they come opposite to Alice they stop and look at her. That doctor just comes out of her house. Who is this? The nave bows three times smiles and giggles. Idiot. What's your name, child? My name is Alice. So please your majesty. Off with a head. Off. Nonsense. Consider my dish she is only a child.

1:18:21Can you play croquet? Yes. Come on then. Get your places. Where are the mallets? Here. The frog appears with the flamingos and hedgehogs. Off with his head. No one pays for any attention. What fun? What is the fun? Why she, it's all her fancy that. They never execute anyone. What does one do? Get to all places. She takes the flamingo uses its neck as a mount and the hedgehog as a ball. The frog doubles himself into an arch. The king does the same with the flowerers and the nave offers himself as an arch for Alice. Even though Alice does not notice him and he holds the arch position. The queen shouts at intervals. Off with his head. Off with her head. Where are the chess queens? Under sentence of execution. What for? Did you say what a pity? No I didn't. I don't think it's at all a pity.

1:19:23I said what for? They boxed the queen's ears. Alice gives a little scream of laughter. Oh hush. The queen will hear you. You see they came rather late and the queen said oh dear the queen hears me. He hurries away. Alice notices the nave who is still pretending to be an arch. How can you go on thinking so quietly with your head downwards? What does it matter where my body happens to be? My mind goes on working just the same. The fact of it is the more head downwards I am, the more I keep on inventing new things. Did you happen to meet any soldiers my dear as you came through the wood? Yes I did. Several thousand I should think. Four thousand two hundred and seven. That's the exact number. They couldn't send all the horses you know because two of them are wanted in the game. And I haven't sent the two messengers either. What's the war about?

1:20:25The red chess king has the whole army against us. But he can't kill a man who has 13 hearts. The Duchess queen frog and followers go out. The nave and the five spots seven spot and nine spot of hearts stand behind the king. Just look along the road and tell me if you can see either of my messengers. I see nobody on the road. I only wish I had such eyes to be able to see nobody and at that distance too. Why it's as much as I can do to see real people by this light. I see somebody now, but he's coming so very slowly and what curious attitudes he goes into, skipping up and down and wriggling like an eel. Not at all. Those are Anglo-Saxon attitudes. He only does them when he's happy. I must have two messengers you know to come and go.

1:21:29One to come and one to go. I beg your pardon. It isn't respectable to beg. I only meant that I didn't understand. Why one to come and one to go? Don't I tell you I must have two to fetch and carry one to fetch and one to carry. The marcher enters pants her breath, waves his hands about and it makes fearful faces at the king. You allow me. I feel faint. Give me a hand which. Another sandwich. There's nothing but hay left now. Hay then there's nothing like eating hay when you're faint. I should think throwing cold water over you would be better. I didn't say there was nothing better. I said there was nothing like it.

1:22:29Who did you pass on the road? Nobody. Quite right. This young lady saw him too. So of course nobody walks slower than you. I do my best. I'm sure nobody walks faster than I do. He can't do that or else he'd have been here first. However now you've got your breath. You may tell us what's happened in the town. A whisper it's. Much to Alice's surprise he shouts into the king's ear. There I'll teach again. Do you call that a whisper? If you do such a thing again I'll have you buttered. It went through and through my head like an earthquake. The king and the march hair go out followed by the five seven and nine spots. The duchess runs in and tucks her arm affectionately into Alice's. You can't think how glad I am to see you again you dear old thing.

1:23:31Oh you're thinking about something my dear and that makes you forget to talk. I can't tell you just now what the moral of that is but I shall remember in a bit. Perhaps it hasn't won. Tuck, tuck child. Everything's got a moral if only you can find it. Squeezes closely, gakes her chin into Alice's shoulder and roughly drags Alice along for a walk. The game's going on rather better now. Tisso and the moral of that is. Oh Tis love, Tis love, that makes the world go round. Somebody said that it's done by everybody minding their own business. Oh well, it means much the same thing and the moral of that is. Take care of the sense and the sounds will take care of themselves. How fun you are of finding morals in things. I dare say you're wondering why I don't put my arm around your waist. The reason is that I'm doubtful about the temper of your flamingo.

1:24:31Shall I try the experiment? He might bite. Very true, flamingos and mustard both bite and the moral of that is. Birds of a feather flock together. Only must it isn't a bed. Right as usual, what a clear way you have of putting things. It's a mineral, I think. Of course it is. There's a large mustard mine near here and the moral of that is. The more there is of mine, the less there is of yours. Oh, I know, it's a vegetable. It doesn't look like one, but it is. I quite agree with you and the moral of that is, be what you would seem to be. Or if you'd like to put more simply, never imagine yourself to be otherwise than what might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise. I think I should understand that better if I'd written down,

1:25:32but I can't quite follow it as you say it. That's nothing to what I could say if I chose. Pray, don't trouble yourself to say it any longer than that. Oh, don't talk about trouble. I make you a present of everything I've said as yet. Thinking again. I put a right to think. Just about as much right as pigs have to fly and the moral. The arm of the duchess begins to tremble and her voice dies down. The queen of heart stands before them with folded arms and frowning like a thunderstorm. A fine day, your majesty. No, I give you fair warning. Either you or your head must be off. And that in about half no time. Take your choice. The duchess goes meekly into the house. Let's go on with the game. She goes off and shouts at intervals. Off with his head. Off with our head. How are you getting on? It's no use speaking to you till your ears have come.

1:26:32I don't think they play at all fairly and they all quarrel so, and they don't seem to have any rules in particular. And you'll no idea how confusing it is with all the things alive. There's the archer cut to go through next, walking about at the other end of the ground. And I should have croqued the queen's head dog just now, only it ran away when it saw mine coming. Music begins. How do you like the queen? Not at all. She's so extremely. The king, queen, and the entire court enters. The queen is near to Alice. The music stops and all look at Alice questioning me. Alice tries to propitiate the queen. Likely. To win. Music continues. That it's hardly worth while finishing the game. Queen smiles and passes on. Who are you talking to? It's a friend of mine, a cheshire cat. Allow me to introduce it. I don't like the look of it at all. However, it may kiss my hand if it likes.

1:27:33I'd rather not. Don't be impertinent, and don't look at me like that. A cat may look at a king. I've read that in some book, but I don't remember where. Well, it must be removed. My dear, I wish you would have this cat removed. Off with his head. But you can't cut off a head unless there's a body to cut it off from. Anything that has a head can be beheaded. If something isn't done about it in less than no time, I'll have everybody executed all round. It belongs to the Duchess. You'd better ask her about it. It's a lie. You'd better ask me. Do it if you can. It grinds away the Duchess and Frog escape into the house. Cut it off. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. Where? Where?

1:28:33Where? Where? Where? Where? Cut it off. Cut them all off. No, no, no. No, no. No, no, no, no. No. No. Save me. Save me. The name shouts to Alice and gives her a tart for safety. Take a tart. The queen sees Alice stand out a moment from the others. Cut her off. Cut her off. The others are glad to distract the queen's attention from themselves. Cut her off. Cut her off. Cut her off. Alice cries in fear and takes a quick bite at the tart. If there is a trap door on the stage, Alice disappears down it, leaving the crowd circling around the holes, screaming in the maze. If the stage has no trap door, a bridge is built across the footlights with a stair leading down into the orchestra pit. When the crowd is chasing Alice, she jumps over the footlights onto the bridge as the curtain is falling, dividing her from the crowd as she appeals to the audience.

1:29:36Save me. Save me. Who will save me? And runs down the stairs and disappears. Cut him. End of Act 2. Act 3 of Alice in Wonderland. By Alice Gernston Burke. This is a Libervox recording. All Libervox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit Libervox.org. Scene 1. It's a garden of high, very conventional and artificial looking flowers. On a large mushroom sits the caterpillar smoking a hookah. Alice is whirling about trying to get her equilibrium after her fall. She goes to the mushroom timidly and conscious of her size. For her chin reaches the top of the mushroom. She gazes at the caterpillar wonderingly. He looks at her lazily and speaks in a languid voice.

1:30:38Who are you? I hardly know, sir, just at present. The queen frighten me so, and I've had an awfully funny fall down a tunnel or a sort of well. At least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then. What do you mean by that? Explain yourself. I can't explain myself I'm a brainseer, because I'm not myself, you see. Being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing. You. Who are you? I think you ought to tell me who you are first. Why? As Alice turns away. Come back. I've something important to say. Alice comes back. Keep your temper.

1:31:40Is that all? No. This is Troy Millen's from Earn Your Leisure. On Earn Your Leisure, we're all about smart money moves. And here's one most people skip, and it starts with insureify. Most of us never shop our car insurance. The policy renews every year, the rate creeps up a little at a time, and nobody calls you to tell you. You stay with the same company because it's easy, and that convenience costs you real money. That's what insureify fixes. Real quotes from more than 120 top insurance companies side by side. About two minutes free, no phone calls, no pressure. And if there's nothing better for you right now, insureify keeps watching and tells you when that changes, so you're never stuck over paying. Millions of people have used insureify to shop for their car insurance. So insure with insureify. Go to insureify.com. That's INSUR. IFY.com. Insureify.com. This is Matt Rogers from Lost Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Lost Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang.

1:32:41You know when people try new food, and suddenly it's like, wait. That's the reaction. A lot of people are having when they first try QB Mayo. It's the one with the red cap and the little baby on the bottle. You've probably seen it in the grocery store before. And if you've ever just walked past it, some people would say that's a huge mistake. Because this mayo is different. Most mayonnaise uses whole eggs. QB only uses egg yolks, which gives it this rich umami flavor. It's smoother, deeper, and almost buttery. Once people try it, they start putting it on everything. Examances, fries, burgers, some fans even swear by dipping pizza crust in it. And once you notice it, you start seeing it everywhere. Chefs use it, restaurants use it. People who really care about flavor use it. Never try it, grab the bottle with the red cap next time you're at the store. Put it on just about anything, then you'll understand. QB, the original Japanese mayonnaise. This week at Vons and Albertsons, USDA Choice Tri-Tip Rose untrimmed are 599 per pound. Limit 4 Rose with membership were applicable.

1:33:41And medium ripe hassovacados are 99 cents each, with membership were applicable. Plus Kellogg's cereals 8.8 to 16.1 ounces, selected varieties, or peppered farm goldfish, 5.9 to 8 ounces are 190.9 each when you buy three. Limit 3 offers with membership were applicable. Visit vons or Albertsons.com for more deals and ways to save. He puffs at the hookah in silence. Finally takes it out of his mouth and unfolds his arms. So you think you're changed, do you? I'm a friday answer. I don't keep the same size. What size do you want to be? I don't know. At least I've never been so small as a caterpillar. The caterpillar rears angrily. It is a very good height indeed. But I'm not used to it. I wish you wouldn't all be so easily offended.

1:34:46You get used to it in time. Are you too big or am I too small? She compares her height wonderingly with the tall flowers. The caterpillar looks at her sleepily, yawns, shakes himself, slides down from the mushroom, and crawls slowly away. I once sighed with make you grow taller, and the other side we make you grow shorter. One side of what? The other side of what? Of the mushroom. Alice hesitates, then embraces mushroom and picks bits from each side. Three gardeners representing spades enter carrying brushes and red paint cans. Look at now five. Don't go splashing paint over me like that. I couldn't help it. Seven jogged my elbow. That's right five. Always lay the blame on others.

1:35:47You better not talk. I heard the Queen say only yesterday you deserve to be beheaded. What for? That's none of your business too. Yes, it is his business and I'll tell him. It was for bringing the cooktool of fruits instead of onions. Well of all the unjust things. These Alice others look around all bow. Could you please tell me what side to eat? Five and seven look at two. I don't know anything about it. He paints a white rose red. You ought to have been red. We put you in by mistake. And if the Queen was to find it out, we should all have our heads cut off. A thumping is heard offstage and the music grows louder and louder. What's that? The white chest queen. Don't let her see what we are doing.

1:36:48She'll tell on us. Run out and stop her from coming here. Five spot says to Alice as she runs to the right. No, no, the other way. But she's all there. You can only meet her by walking in the other way. What nonsense. Go the other way. Alice reenters in dismay and dashes out to the left. She's running away from me. The white queen backs in from right and Alice backs in from left. They meet. The gardeners cry. The Queen. And throw themselves flat upon the ground. Their backs are like the backs of the rest of the pack. Music stops. Alice looks at the Queen curiously. Oh, there you are. Why I'm just the size I was when I saw you last. Of course you are. And who are these? I can't tell them by their backs.

1:37:49She turns them over with her foot. Turn over. Ah, I thought so. Get up. What have you been doing here? May it please your majesty. We were trying. The white queen examines Rose. I see. Be gone. Or I'll send the horses after you. And tell the Queen of Hearts. Gardeners rush off. The red queen enters. Alice has gone to the mushroom again to look at the sides. And there to her amazement finds a gold crown and scepter, which she immediately appropriates. Music. The Queen's watch Alice superciliously. Alice puts on her crown proudly exclaiming in great elation. Queen Alice. And walks downstage bowing right and left to the homage of her imaginary subjects. She repeats as if scarcely daring to believe it true. Queen Alice. Music stops. Ridiculous.

1:38:50Is this the eighth square? You can't be a queen you know until you've passed the proper examination. The sooner we begin it, the better. Please, would you tell me? Speak when you're spoken to. But if everybody obeyed that rule, and if you only spoke when you were spoken to, and the other person always waited for you to begin, you see nobody would ever say anything so that... Preposterous. I only said if. She says she only said if. The white queen moans and rings her hands. Oh, but she said a great deal more than that. Ah yes so much more than that. So you did you know? Always speak the truth. Think before you speak, and write it down afterwards. I'm sure I didn't mean. That's just what I complained of. You should have meant. What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning?

1:39:54Even a joke should have some meaning. And a child's more important than a joke, I hope. You couldn't deny that even if you tried with both hands. I don't deny things with my hands. Nobody said you did. I said you couldn't if you tried. She's in that state of mind that she wants to deny something, and she doesn't know what to deny. A nasty vicious temper. I invite you to Alice's dinner party this afternoon. And I invite you. I didn't know I was to have a party at all, but if there is to be one, I think I ought to invite the guests. We gave you the opportunity of doing it, but I dare say you've not had many lessons in manners yet. Men as an art art lessons, lessons teach you to do sums and things of that sort. Can you do addition? What's one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one?

1:40:56I don't know. I lost count. She can't do addition. Can you do subtraction? Take nine from eight. Nine from eight I can't you know, but she can't do subtraction. Can you do division? Divide a loaf by a knife. What's the answer to that? I suppose the red queen answers for her. Bread and butter of course. Try another subtraction. Some take a bone from a dog what remains? The bone wouldn't remain of course if I took it and the dog wouldn't remain, it would come to bite me and I'm sure I shouldn't remain. Then you think nothing would remain? I think that's the answer. Wrong as usual the dog's temper would remain. But I don't see how. While I'm here the dog would lose its temper wouldn't it? Perhaps it would. Then if the dog went away its temper would remain.

1:41:58They bite go different ways. What dreadful nonsense we are talking. She can't do sums a bit. Can you do sums? I can do addition if you give me time but I can't do subtraction under any circumstances. Of course you know your ABC. To be sure I do. So do I. We'll often say it over together dear and I'll tell you a secret. I can read words of one letter. Isn't that grand? However don't be discouraged you'll come to it in time. Can you answer useful questions? How is bread made? I know that you take some flour. Why do you pick the flour in a garden or in the hedges? Well it isn't picked at all it's ground. How many acres of ground you mustn't leave out so many things. Fan her head she'll be feverish after so much thinking.

1:43:01They fan her with bunches of leaves which blow her hair wildly. Please please. She's all right again now. Do you know languages? What's the French for fiddle dd? Fiddle dd is not English. Whoever said it was. If you tell me what language fiddle dd is I'll tell you the French for it. Queens never make bargains. I wish Queens never asked questions. Don't let us quarrel. What is the cause of lightning? The cause of lightning is the thunder. No no I met the other way. It's too late to correct it when you've one set a thing that fixes it and you must take the consequences. We had such a thunderstorm next Tuesday you can't think. She never could you know. Part of the roof came off and ever so much thunder got in and it went rolling round the room in great lumps

1:44:05and knocking over the tables and things till I was so frightened I couldn't remember my own name. This is Troy Millens from Ernie Leisure. On Ernie Leisure we're all about smart money moves and here's one most people skip and it starts with insureify. Most of us never shop our car insurance. The policy renews every year the rate creeps up a little at a time and nobody calls you to tell you. You stay with the same company because it's easy and that convenience costs you real money. That's what insureify fixes real quotes from more than 120 top insurance companies side by side. About two minutes free no phone calls no pressure and if there's nothing better for you right now insureify keeps watching and tells you when that changes so you're never stuck over paying. Millions of people have used insureify to shop for their car insurance. So insure with insureify go to insureify.com that's ian s ur i f y dot com insureify dot com. This is Matt Rogers from Los Cultures. That's with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang.

1:45:05This is Bowen Yang from Los Cultures. It's Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. You know when people try a new food and suddenly it's like wait that's the reaction. A lot of people are having when they first try QB Mayo. It's the one with the red cap and the little baby on the bottle. You've probably seen it in the grocery store before. And if you've ever just walked past it some people would say that's a huge mistake. Because this mayo is different. Most mayonnaise uses whole eggs. QB only uses egg yolks which gives it this rich umami flavor. It's smoother, deeper and almost buttery. Once people try it they start putting it on everything. Egg sandwiches, fries, burgers, some fans even swear by dipping pizza crust in it. And once you notice it you start seeing it everywhere. Chefs use it, restaurants use it. People who really care about flavor use it. Never try it, grab the bottle with the red cap next time you're at the store. Put it on just about anything then you'll understand. QB, the original Japanese mayonnaise. This week at Vons and Albertsons. USDA Choice Tri-Tip Rost untrimmed are 599 per pound.

1:46:06Limit 4 Rosts with membership were applicable. And medium ripe hassovacados are 99 cents each with membership were applicable. Plus Kellogg cereals 8.8 to 16.1 ounces, selected varieties, or peppered farm goldfish 5.9 to 8 ounces are 199 each when you buy three. Limit 3 offers with membership were applicable. Visit vonsoralbertsons.com for more deals and ways to save. I never should try to remember my name in the middle of an accident. Where would be the use of it? You must excuse her. She means well but she can't help saying foolish things as a general rule. She never was really well brought up but it's amazing how good temperature she is. Pattern on the head and see how pleased she'll be. A little kindness in putting her hair in papers would do wonders with her. The white queen gives a deep sigh means her head on Alice's shoulder. I am so sleepy.

1:47:08She's tired poor thing. Smooth her hair, lend her your nightcap and sing her soothing lullaby. I haven't got a nightcap with me and I don't know any soothing lullaby. I must do it myself then. Hush a by lady in Alice's lap Till the feast ready we've time for a nap When the feast over will go to the ball Red queen and white queen and Alice and all And now you know the words. She puts her head on Alice's other shoulder. Just sing it through to me. I'm getting sleepy too. Both queens fall fast asleep and snore loudly. What am I to do? Take care of two queens asleep at once. Do wake up you heavy things. All lights go out leaving a mysterious glow on Alice in the queens.

1:48:08The white rabbit blows trumpet off stage. That's trials beginning. What trial is it? Who stole the tarts? I ate a tart. You've got to be tried. I don't want to be tried. You've got to be tried. I won't be tried. I won't. I won't. Seen too. It's a courtroom suggesting plain carts. The jury men are all kinds of creatures. The king and queen of hearts are seated on the throne. The nave is before them in chains. The white rabbit has a trumpet in one hand and the scroll of parchment in the other. In the middle of the court stands a table with a large dish of tarts upon it. The white rabbit blows three blasts on his trumpet. Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, Silence in the court. Alice watches jury men riding busily on their slates.

1:49:11What are they doing? They can't have anything to put down yet before the trials begun. They're putting down their names for fear they should forget them before the end of the trial. Stupid things. Silence in the court. The jurors write in chorus. Stupid things. Silence. How do you spell stupid? A nice muddle their slates will be in before the trials over. There's a pencil squeaking. Cut it down. The jurors in chorus as they write. Squeaking. The king wears a crown over his wig, puts on his spectacle as he says. Harold, read the accusation. The white rabbit blows three blasts on his trumpet, unrolls a parchment scroll and reads to the music. Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum,

1:50:13Book ween of hearts. She made some tarts all on a summer day. The name of hearts. He stole those tarts and took them quite away. Consider your verdict. Not yet, not yet. There's a great deal to come before that. Call the first witness. First witness. The hat here comes in with a teacup in one hand and a piece of bread and butter in the other. I bake a pardon, your majesty, for bringing these in. But I hadn't quite finished my tea when I was sent for. You ought to have finished. When did you begin? The hatter looks at the March Hare who follows him arm in arm with the doormouse. 14th March I think it was. 15th. 16th.

1:51:14Write that down. 14, 15, 16, 45. Reduce that to shillings. 15th. Take off your hat. It isn't mine. This is Troy Millens from Ernie Leisure. On Ernie Leisure we're all about smart money moves. And here's one most people skip. And it starts with insureify. Most of us never shop our car insurance. The policy renews every year. The rate creeps up a little at a time. And nobody calls you to tell you. You stay with the same company because it's easy. And that convenience costs you real money. That's what insureify fixes. Real quotes from more than 120 top insurance companies side by side. About two minutes free, no phone calls, no pressure. And if there's nothing better for you right now, insureify keeps watching and tells you when that changes. So you're never stuck over paying. Millions of people have used insureify to shop for their car insurance.

1:52:16So insure with insureify. Go to insureify.com. That's I-N-S-U-R-I-F-Y.com. insureify.com. This is Matt Rogers from Los Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Los Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. You know when people try new food and suddenly it's like, wait. That's the reaction. A lot of people are having when they first try QB mayo. It's the one with the red cap and the little baby on the bottle. You've probably seen it in the grocery store before. And if you've ever just walked past it, some people would say that's a huge mistake. Because this mayo is different. Most mayonnaise uses whole eggs. QB only uses egg yolks, which gives it this rich umami flavor. It's smoother, deeper, and almost buttery. Once people try it, they start putting it on everything. Egg sandwiches, fries, burgers, some fans even swear by dipping pizza crust in it. And once you notice it, you start seeing it everywhere. Chefs use it, restaurants use it. People who really care about flavor use it. Never try it. Grab the bottle with the red cap next time you're at the store.

1:53:18Put it on just about anything. Then you'll understand. QB, the original Japanese mayonnaise. The Queen of Hearts puts on her spectacles and stairs of the hatter. Who fidgets uncomfortably? Give your evidence. And don't be nervous or I'll have you executed on the spot.

1:54:19The hatter continues to shift nervously from one foot to the other. Looks uneasily at the Queen. Trumble so that he shakes off both his shoes. And in his confusion bites a large piece out of his teacup instead of the bread and butter. I am a poor man, your majesty. And I hadn't but just begun my tea. Not above a week or so. And what with the bread and butter getting so thin. And the twinkling of the tea. The twinkling of what? It began with the tea. Of course twinkling begins with a tea. Do you take me for a dance? Go on. I'm a poor man and most things twinkle left to that. Only the March Hare said. I didn't. You did. I deny it. He deny it. Leave out that part.

1:55:20But what did the doormat say? That I can't remember. You must remember or I'll have you executed. The hatter drops teacup and bread and butter and goes down on one knee. I'm a poor man, your majesty. If that's all you know about it you may stand down. I can't go no lower. I'm on the floor as it is. Then you may sit down. I'd rather finish my tea. You may go. The hatter goes out hurriedly, leaving one of his shoes behind. The queen nonchalantly says to an officer. And just take his head off outside. But the hatter was out of sight before the officer could get to the door. Call the next witness.

1:56:20Next witness. The duchess enters with a pepper pot, which she shakes about. Everybody begins to sneeze. March Hare sneezes and rushes out. Give your evidence. Shant. Hitsch. Your majesty must cross examine this witness. Well, if I must, I must. What does your cook say, tarts are made of? Pepper. The duchess shakes the pot and the court sneezes. Tika! Hitsch! The duchess shakes the pot at him. He sneezes for the first time. Call the door mouse. Behead the door mouse. Turn that door mouse out of court. Suppress him. Pinch him. Hark with his whiskers. The whole court is in confusion turning the door most out. And while it is settling down again, the duchess just appears. The duchess.

1:57:21She's gone. She's gone. Never mind. In a low tone to the queen. Oh. Really, my dear? You must cross examine the next witness. It quite makes my forehead ache. Ah, call the next witness. The white rabbit fumbles with the parchment and then cries in a shrill little voice. I was. Here. What do you know about this business? Nothing, whatever. The king says the jury. That's very important. Unimportant. Your majesty means, of course. Unimportant. Of course, I meant. Important, unimportant, unimportant, important. Consider your verdict. Some of the jury write important and some write unimportant. There is more evidence to come yet.

1:58:22Please, your majesty. This paper has just been picked up. What in it? The white rabbit fumbles with a huge envelope. I haven't opened it yet, but it seems to be a letter. Written by the prisoner to, to somebody. It must have been that, unless it was written to nobody, which isn't usual, you know. Who is it directed to? It isn't directed at all. In fact, there's nothing written on the outside. Takes out a tiny piece of paper. It isn't a letter at all. It's a set of verses. Are they in the prisoner's hand writing? The jury brightens up. The white rabbit looks at the nave's hand. The nave hides his hand in the chain's rattle. No, they're not. And that's the quiver's thing about it. The jury looks puzzled.

1:59:22He must have imitated somebody else's hand. Please, your majesty. I didn't write it and they can't prove I did. There's no name signed at the end. If you didn't sign it, that only makes the matter worse. You must have meant some mischief or else you'd have signed your name like an honest man. At this, there is a general clapping of hands. That proves his guilt. It proves nothing of the sort. Why you don't even know what they're about. Read them. The white rabbit puts on his monocle. Where shall I begin, please, your majesty? Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end. Then stop. They told me you had bent to her and mentioned me to him. She gave me a good character, but said I could not swim.

2:00:26I gave her one. They gave him two. You gave us three or more. They all returned from him to you, so they were mine before. My notion was that you had bent. Before she had this fit, an obstacle that came between him and ourselves and it. Don't let him know she liked him best, or this must ever be. A secret, kept from all the rest between yourself and me. That's the most important piece of evidence we've heard yet. So now let the jury... If any of them can explain it, I'll give him six pence. I don't believe there's an atom of meaning in it. She doesn't believe there's an atom of meaning in it. If there's no meaning in it, that saves the world of trouble, you know, as we needn't try to find any. And yet I don't know. Spreads out the verses on his knee and studies them.

2:01:28I seem to see some meaning after all. Said I could not swim. You can't swim, can you? The name shakes his head sadly and points to pursuit. Do I look like it? All right, so far. We know it to be true. That's the jury, of course. I gave her one, they gave him two. By that must be what he did with the Tart, you know. But it goes on. They all run away. But it goes on. They all return from him to you. The King triumphantly points to the Tarts. Why there they are. Nothing can be clearer than that. Then again, before she had this fit, you never had fit my dear, I think. Never.

2:02:29Then the words don't fit you. There is dead silence while the King looks around the court with his smile. It's a pun. Everybody laughs, use it. Let the jury consider their verdict. No, no, sentence first, verdict afterwards. Stuff in nonsense. The Queen says furiously. Hold your tongue. I won't. Hop with our head. Who cares for you? Cut it off. You're nothing but a pack of cards. As the lights go out and the curtain falls, all the characters hold their positions as if petrified. Curtain. Scene three. The curtain rises to show Alice still asleep in the armchair, the fire in the greats diffusing her with its glow. Wake up, Alice. It's time for tea.

2:03:32Offstage the characters repeat their most characteristic lines. Off with our head. Consider your verdict. Oh, my fern whiskers. The Duchess sneezes. The cat cries. As if the characters were fading away into the pack of real playing cards with shower through the mirror all over Alice. There is music. Alice wakes, rises and looks about in surprise and wonderment. Why? It was a dream. Curtain. End of act three by Alice Gerstemberg. Hey, it's Kelly Rowland. You may not know this, but I have Exema. So I get how it can steal your time. But why let Exema take over when you can talk to your doctor about Ebglyss? Ebglyss, lubricism ab LBKZ. A 250-milligram per 2-milliliter injection is a prescription medicine used to treat adults and children 12 years of age and older, who weigh at least 88 pounds or 40 kilograms

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