A woman is no man ( Etaf Rum

0:00Hey, is this a draw? But every one clicks their memory, Anderson. How y'all doing out there today? I hope everybody is doing well. If you're not doing well, let's find a way to get well, look well, and of course you already know it be well. Right now we are going to tune into a woman is no man. Ezra. Spring, 1994. The books kept Ezra company. All it took to soothe her worries was to slip inside their pages. In an instant, her world would cease to exist, and another would rush to life. She felt herself come alive, felt something inside her crack open. What was it? Ezra didn't know. But the longing to connect to something filled her. She went to bed bewildered that she had felt herself so vividly in another place, that she could almost swear she'd come to life by night, and the fictional world

1:01was the place she actually existed. But there were also days when the books didn't seem quite assoothing. Days when reading would turn her mind and force her to question the patterns of her life, which only made her more upset. On these days, Ezra dreaded getting up in the morning. She was aware in a fresh way of how perilous she was. And this realization flipped her upside down, listening to the characters in her books. It was clear to Ezra how weak she was, and the enormous effort it would take to transform herself into one of the worthy heroines of these tales, each managing to find her voice by her story's end. Ezra didn't know what to do with her conflicting thoughts, didn't know how to fix her life. If she were a character in one of her books, what would she be expected to do? Stand up to Adam? How, when she had a handful of children depending on her in a foreign place, with nowhere to go? Ezra resented her books in these moments

2:03when she thought about the limits of her life, and how easy courage seemed when you boiled it down to a few words on paper. You can't compare your life to fiction, a voice inside her head whispered. In the real world, a woman belongs at home. Mama was right all along. But Ezra wasn't entirely convinced. As much as she tried to console herself with these thoughts, inside her a flicker of hope had been reignited. The hope that perhaps she, Ezra, deserved a better life than the one she had, as far fetched as that hope seemed. Some days she believed she could actually achieve this life if she tried. Hadn't the characters in her books struggle too? Hadn't they stood up for themselves? Hadn't they been weak and powerless too? Wasn't it true that she had as much control over her life as they had? Perhaps she too had a chance to be happy, but just as quickly as these thoughts came, they went, leaving Ezra overwhelmed with hopelessness.

3:07She couldn't possibly take control of her life, and it wasn't Adam's fault, but her own. It was her fault for asking Sarah to bring her books, for reading them obsessively in this way. She was to blame for raising her expectations of the world, for not focusing on Adam and her daughters instead, for dreaming and wanting too much, or maybe it was her books fault, for turning her mind the way they had, for tempting her to disobey Mama as a young girl, to believe in love and happiness, and now for taunting her over her greatest weakness, that she had no control over her own life. But despite the war inside her mind, Ezra couldn't part with her books. Each night she read by the window. She decided she would rather go on, living conflicted with books by her side, than be tormented all alone. I have some books for you. Sarah whispered to Ezra one evening as they cooked dinner together.

4:09As the sunset, the windows darkened, and Farida retreated to the solace, to watch her favorite Turkish soap opera, Ezra and Sarah roasted vegetables, simmered stews, and prepared assortments of hummus, babagannush, and tabouleh. Sometimes Nadine would enter the kitchen to find them whispering together, and to their relief, she would join Farida in the solace. In these private moments, as they lingered near the stove, wrapped in a blanket of steam, the savory smell of all spice thickening the air, Ezra would feel her heart swell. Lately, Sarah had been sneaking into the basement a few times a week after dinner, with a handful of books she had brought home for Ezra. In the past, on nights like this one, Ezra would have put her daughters to sleep, and spent the evening gazing out the basement window until Adam came home. But now she waited up for Sarah, eager to see which books she'd brought.

5:09Some nights, they would even read together. Last week, they'd rushed through Pride and Prejudice in four nights so Sarah could write an essay on it for her English class. They'd sat together on Ezra's bed, knees grazing, the book like a warm fire between them. You're going to love these, Sarah told Ezra that night. She placed a pile of books on the bed, and Ezra scanned them, noticing that a few were picture books. She picked up, oh, the places you'll go by Dr. Seuss. I know you wanted more books for the girls, Sarah said. I think it's really great that you're reading to them. It will help with their English. You don't want them to struggle with it when they start school like I did. Thank you. Ezra said with a smile. Ever since Sarah had started bringing her picture books for the girls, she'd begun gathering her daughters around her before she put them to bed. The picture books spread across her lap. She thought they liked the softness of her voice in English,

6:12the sound of her tongue as she pronounced unfamiliar words. A gust of happiness would fill her in those moments as she watched her daughters smiling wide, looking up at her as though she was the best mother in the world, as though she hadn't failed them every day of their lives. Is there anything specific you want to read tonight, Sarah asked. There's a lot of good books here. She pointed to a black and white cover. A tree grows in Brooklyn is one of my favorites, but I don't know if you'll love it as much as I do. Ezra looked up. Why not? Because it's not a romance. Good, I'm glad. Glad of what? That it's not a romance. Sarah met her eyes. Since one, I just don't have a taste for romances anymore. Ezra said, I'd rather read a book that teaches me something. She paused. A story that is more realistic.

7:13Are you saying you don't think love stories are realistic? Ezra shrugged. What's this? Ezra, a cynic? Sarah laughed. I can't believe my ears. What have I done to you? Ezra only smiled. What are you reading in class? We just started one of my favorites, a novel about a world where books are outlawed and burned. Can you imagine life without books? If Sarah had asked this question four years before, or even one year before, back when Ezra had abandoned her books, she would have said yes. But now, reading with the same dedication with which she had once performed her five daily prayers, Ezra couldn't imagine it. I hope that never happens. She said, I don't know what I do. Sarah looked at her curiously. What? Ezra asked, I don't think I've ever seen you like this.

8:13What do you mean? You just seem different. Different how? I don't know, I can't explain it. Ezra smiled at her. I'm just happy, that's all. Really? Yes, thanks to you. Me? Ezra nodded. Ever since I started reading again, I feel like I'm in a trance, or maybe like I've come out of one. Something has come over me. I don't know how to describe it. It might sound dramatic, but I feel hopeful for the first time in years. I don't know why exactly, but I have you to think for it. You don't have to think me, Sarah said, blushing. It's nothing. Ezra met her eyes. It's not nothing, and it's not just the books. It's your friendship, too. You've given me something to look forward to

9:16for the first time in years. I hope you always feel happy. Sarah whispered, Ezra smiled. Me, too. In her bedroom closet, Ezra was careful to keep her books hidden beneath a pile of clothes. She didn't know how Adam would react if she told him she'd been reading while he was at work. She assumed he would hit her, or worse, prevent Sarah from bringing her books. After all, if Mama had forbidden Ezra from reading Middle Eastern books for fear of any nontraditional influence, she could only imagine what Adam would do if he knew she was reading Western novels. But to her relief, he was barely home. Still, Ezra was surprised Farita hadn't noticed a change in her. Lately, she performed all her responsibilities, soaking the rice, roasting the meats, bathing her daughters, brewing Farita her Mara Mia Chai twice daily.

10:17In a rush, desperate for a moment alone. Most days, she read by the window in the girls' room, the sun bright and warm against her face. She pulled the curtains open, and leaned against the window pane. The touch of each hardcover book sent shivers down her spine. She couldn't remember the precise moment she had stopped reading. Perhaps it had been when she first arrived in America, glancing over her copy of a thousand and one nights, when she couldn't sleep, and finding it insufficient comfort. Or maybe it was during her pregnancy with Nora, when Farita had dangled a necklace over Ezra's belly, and predicted a girl, and Ezra had read a surah from the Holy Quran every night, asking God to change the gender. She had almost forgotten the weight of a book between her hands, the smell of old paper as she turned each page, the way it soothed her someplace deep within. Is this what Adam felt?

11:18She wondered, when he drank Sharab and smoked a sheesh, a surge of happiness, an elation. If this was how he felt, loading as she was now, with a book in her hands, then she couldn't blame him for drinking and smoking. She understood the need to escape from the ordinary world. What makes you happy? Ezra asked Adam one night as she watched him eat his dinner. She didn't know where the question came from, but by the time it had left her lips, she found herself leaning forward in her seat, both eyes glued on Adam for his answer. He looked up from his plate, swaying a bit in his seat. She knew he was drunk. Sarah had taught her how to recognize the state. What makes me happy? He said, what kind of question is that? Why did she care what made him happy? The man who beat her mercilessly would suck the hope from her. She wasn't sure,

12:18but in that moment, it felt important intensely so. She poured him a cup of water. I just want to know what makes my husband happy. Surely something must. Adam took a gulp of water and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. You know, not once in my entire life is anyone ever asked me that question. What makes Adam happy? No one cares what makes Adam happy. All they care about is what Adam can do for them. Yes. Yes. He said, slurring a little. How much money can Adam bring home? How many businesses can he run? How much can he help his brothers? How many male heirs can he buy? How many male heirs can he produce? He paused looking at Ezra. But happiness? There's no such thing as happiness for people like us.

13:20Family duty comes first. But I care what makes you happy. Ezra said. He shook his head. Why should you care? I haven't been good to you. I know. She said her voice low and soft. I know what you're going through. I know you're under a lot of pressure too. I can understand how that can make you act. She stopped. Looked away. Walking the Brooklyn Bridge at dawn. Adam said. Ezra turned back to him to find his face at softened. Some early mornings on my way to work. I don't take the train straight into the city. Instead, I stopped to walk the bridge in time for sunrise. His words slipped out as though he had forgotten Ezra was in the room. There's something magical about watching the sunrise when I'm so high up there. In that moment when the first light hits my face, I feel like the sun has swallowed me up.

14:25Everything goes quiet. The cars rushed beneath my feet, but I don't hear a thing. I can see the whole city and I think about the millions of people living here. The struggles say face. And then I think about the men back home and there are struggles too. In an instant, my worries vanish. I stare at the sky and remind myself that at least I am here in this beautiful country. At least I have this view. You never told me that before. Ezra whispered. He nodded but averted his gaze. As though he had said too much. It sounds lovely, she said smiling at him. It reminds me of when I used to watch the sunset back home. Other sun would sink into the mountains and disappear. It always made me feel better too. Knowing I was the only person staring up at the mountains. But in those moments I was connected to everyone watching the sunset.

15:27All of us held together by this magnificent view. She tried to catch his eyes but he stared at his plate and resumed eating. Maybe we can watch the sunrise together one day. Ezra said. In Shalah, he said between mouthfuls of food. But from the look on his face, Ezra knew they never would. There had been a time when this would have hurt her. And she was surprised to find that she was no longer upset. She had been raised to think that love was something only a man could give her. For so many years she had believed that if a woman was good enough, obedient enough, she might be worthy of a man's love. But now reading her books, she was beginning to find a different kind of love. A love that came from inside her. One she felt when she was all alone, reading by the window. And through this love, she was beginning to believe. For the first time in her life that maybe she was worthy after all.

16:33I don't understand why you're wasting time. Farida said to Ezra one Sunday afternoon in March. They were all gathered together at Fort Hamilton Park to celebrate Ed El Futter, which Ezra found strange, considering that most of them hadn't observed the Ramadan fast that year. Farida couldn't fast because of her diabetes. Nadine was pregnant and Sarah only pretended to fast so as not to upset Khalid, who besides Ezra was the only one who fasted every year. She wondered if Adam only pretended to fast too, but had never dared ask him. She didn't know why she herself still observed Ramadan. Some days she thought she fasted out of guilt. For often failing to perform her five daily prayers. For failing to trust in Allah and her Naseeb. Other days fasting reminded her of her childhood. A evening seated with her family around a sofa of lentil soup and fresh dates.

17:34Counting down the minutes until sunset so they could eat and drink again. But most days Ezra suspected she fasted purely from habit. Assuming familiarity in performing ritual for ritual sick alone. Really, Farida said now. Why aren't you pregnant again? What are you waiting for? You still need us on, you know. Ezra sat at the edge of the picnic blanket as far away from Farida as possible and watched the rest of the family. Sarah and Dea fed pigeons by the pier. Khalid carried Amir over his shoulders. Omar and Nadine held hands and looked out onto the Hudson River. Adam lit a cigarette. Behind them the Verizano bridge stood high and wide, like a mountain on the horizon. I already have three children. Ezra said, I'm tired. Tired, Farida said. When I was your age, I'd already given birth to, she stopped.

18:35Never mind the number. The point is that Adam needs a son and you need to get pregnant soon to give him one. I'm only 21, Ezra said, startled by the defiance in her tone. And they already have three children. Why can't I wait a little? Why wait? Why not just get them out of the way? Because I wouldn't be able to raise another kid right now. Farida scoffed. Three or four? What difference does it make? It makes a difference to me. I'm the one who has to raise them. Farida glared and Ezra looked away. Not from shame, but rather to conceal her pleasure. She couldn't believe she had spoken her mind and defied Farida for the first time in years. Still eating? Adam asked when he approached them. Ezra passed him a small smile, but Farida wasted no time. She cleared her throat and began. Tell your wife. She said, tell her it's time to get pregnant again.

19:38Adam sighed. She'll get pregnant soon, mother. Don't worry. You've been saying that for months. You're not getting any younger, you know. And neither is Ezra. What do you think will happen if you get the fourth girl? You think you're going to just stop trying for a son? Of course not. That's why it's important to hurry. Adam fumbled inside his pocket for a pack of Marlboro Red. You think I don't want a son? I'm trying my best. I'll keep trying. I will, mother. Good. Adam looked away, squeezing the pack of cigarettes tight. Even though he was looking out toward the river Ezra could see it in his eyes. He would beat her tonight. She stared at him, hoping she was wrong, that he wouldn't take out his anger on her. But the signs were all too familiar now. First he beat her loud and hard, shaking with rage. Then he'd reach out to touch her again, only slightly softer this time, pushing himself inside her.

20:42She'd shutterize tight, clench her fists, and keep still in hopes she might just disappear.