929: Look Into My Eyes

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1:23Give us a call or text us on the hug hotline at 858-875-663 or send us an email to hugs at oneextraordinarymarriage.com. In today's episode, we're talking about what can happen when you look directly into your spouse's eyes, especially during sexual intimacy. Wow, it's going to be a big topic for folks today, but first we start every episode. I just want to look into your eyes. Oh, you kind of freaked me out. I was like, why are you coming so close to me right there? That is what we're going to be talking about, but first we start, now you fully throw me off. You're going to get to say my quote. I know, we start every episode with a quote so hidden. What we do. And this is anonymous quote that says, sometimes the most powerful thing you can offer another person is your full attention. And clearly that's what Tony was trying to give me with that intense stare right there. And that's what we're going to be talking about in today's episode. But you know, we like to celebrate each and every one of you and the transformation that

2:23you're making in your marriage. And we call this a hug. So if your brand knew to the one extraordinary marriage show, this may be the first time that you're hearing about this, but we do love celebrating what's happening in the one family our audience. And this hug came from a message you received that said, thank you to you, Tony and Lisa, for existing. You probably hear this all the time, but the two of you have helped keep me fighting for my marriage. Just simple, but I think that sometimes speaks to the heart of why we get behind these microphones. What we've been doing for the last 16 and a half years is that, you know, having conversations about marriage, talking about these topics that some people will never have or it would have never come up unless they heard us talking about it. And just, you know, we, we feel just a tremendous honor and privilege that each and every one of you allows us into your marriage and allows us to talk about these topics. Yep. And so we are so thankful and grateful for that message, honestly, for that hug.

3:25It means a lot to us. We've poured in so much of our lives to helping marriages, which has interned, helped hours over all these years. And so thank you all for being part of the one family and continuing to listen and to share the one extraordinary marriage show because we know it's not only about Tony and Lisa, it's about what you're doing to not only impact your own marriage, but those around you because those are the people who need to hear and we may never even touch them. We may not, they may never even find us, but they know you and you can turn them on to the one extraordinary marriage show and they can then create their extraordinary marriage. So the idea for this episode, as we transitioned into the heart of today really came from an encounter that Tony and I had and I found myself like looking into his eyes, not nearly as intensely as he did here at the top of this episode if you're watching the video on YouTube. Hers were very intense in this moment that I found. So it was a reversal of intensity. Okay, but not not the mom, I think that usually for example, we're speaking.

4:25Okay. Because that's sometimes the whole different thing. But we were in, we were involved in our sexual intimacy and I, we were looking at one another and it was, it was incredibly intense and it was very connecting. And so the next day, was it not? No, no, it was. I think we need to give a little more parameters, the parameters, but just a detail and understanding. I think it was more on your part of, I'm going to really look at Tony here, unbeknownst to me. Yeah, there was no like billboard. There wasn't like a, hey, today's the day I'm going to have my eyes open type of thing. I mean, I didn't announce it. Right. But I would say during our sexual intimacy, you were very keen on, I'm going to just continue to make eye contact with you. But I know even for myself, there are, there are some moments in there where I was like, I think I'm going to just shut my eyes here because this is, it was, it was intense. It was, it's always interesting when we do have our eyes open during those sexual encounters.

5:26I felt like this one though more so than others. There was this intensity on your part of like, no, I'm going to keep doing this. I'm not going to look away. I was the one who was making those, I think I'm going to close my eyes at this moment. And it wasn't like we had this big discussion about you to keep your eyes open or don't you. But, but it led to this conversation. And it's one that we've had since very, very early days of the podcast when a very, very early, I mean, it had to be like in the first five to 10 episodes had hit us up and asked us if we ever kept our eyes open during sex. Like that was the first time, first year when we had had a conversation, we did an episode around it early days. And you know, was that what was our answer in the early days? Did we? No, that's what I was going to say. I didn't think about that. I think that came, I think it actually, when that was asked of us, it came out of the blue and we were like, what do people do that? Like we're going to, okay, we can try this. And it was weird. Like the first, like the first time you do anything, it's weird. And so as we jump into today's episode, really just kind of want you even thinking just

6:28from the get go, like what was the last time that you looked directly into your spouse's eyes during your sexual intimacy? Look at that like quick glance, like my eyes just flew open or not checking facial expressions, but actually looking at one another and allowing your eye contact that nonverbal communication, facial expressions and all of that being seen to actually be a part of your sexual intimacy. And I know from the get go that for some of you, you're kind of like, this is actually a conversation. Like we just do this all the time and it's, it's no big deal. But for others of you, you're like, whoa, okay, this is going to like just the mere thought of it makes you feel uncomfortable. Your problems might start sweating and you're kind of thinking, I don't know if I can do this. And yeah, oh, I mean, it's like the first time somebody suggested and I'm like, people do that. Why? Yeah. What is that about? And you know, it's one of those things where I contacted it during sexual intimacy is,

7:29it's very interesting because part of it is where your attention goes, right? Like are you thinking about yourself? Like, you know, I'm just like focused on being fully present. I'm focused on, you know, my sensations, things like that with eyes open or closed with eyes closed. Okay. Right? Like we can, because when your eyes are closed, you're kind of like in your world, in your own world. Well, and I find that interesting. I think closing your eyes sometimes it's, it's not even paying attention to the active sexual intimacy. It's more like I got other things on my to-do list. Let's get this thing over with. It's true. Okay. I mean, that like, yes, I will raise my hand. I will say that that has 100% been me. You know, it's easy to mentally check out. It's easy to be somewhere else or, you know, kind of just be focused on self. But when you, when you open your eyes, it invites this next layer of vulnerability. And here's, and here's a thing though too. With eyes open, you're going to have to have light on in the bedroom.

8:32So if you're too, yeah, to actually be able to connect, yes, to see one another. I mean, I guess you could do it with the lights off. I don't know how much you're going to see. So you may want to have some sort of mood lighting. If it is evening time, I know for us, we have the salt lamp has been always a nice glow in the room. It's not really bright. It's just enough that when your eyes adjust, it's just enough of this awesome color. Like, just remember why candlelight dinners are so important. There is something about a soft glow and the, the level of connection and romance that it invites. We go out to a candlelight dinner, right? You're not sitting in the dark. So don't have your overhead light on your fan light on. Big fluorescent. Yeah. I mean, if you have can lights and you can put them on a dimmer dimmum, if you do have candles, you can go with the traditional candles. You can go with the fake candles as well.

9:32Battery operated. Battery. Yeah. Fake is another word for them. Yes, but if people don't know what a fake candle is, I'm trying to help out. Thank you very much. But you're going to have to have some sort of light in your bedroom. And again, you probably could do it in the dark. Your eyes begin to adjust. You can see a little bit more. I still think it finds it, it finds it can be a little more difficult to see your spouse in that darkness. Yeah. I mean, absolutely. And I think that's why a lot of people, you know, keep the lights down low or off. It's why, you know, so many couples talk to us about having sex in the dark. Like there's, there's this place where we can sometimes be wary of vulnerability. It can become more like I'm going to avoid this. And one of the ways that I'm going to avoid it is it doesn't matter what time a day we're having sex, I'm just going to keep my eyes closed. And you know, it was really interesting, even in prepping for this episode, just looking into some of the research around what happens, right? That when you have your eyes open, what is especially in when you're involved in your

10:36sexual intimacy, like what kind of reactions does that create? And I'm going to actually read this because I don't want to misspeak it. Research published in the journal's psychophysiology, biological psychology and cognition found that direct eye contact can increase autonomic arousal, which is the automatic physical activation of the body's internal systems during stress, emotion or surprise. This can make people more aware of their own physical reactions. This is general physiological arousal, not specifically sexual arousal, but it may help explain why being seen by your spouse can feel especially intense when you are already physically exposed. So it's not that the eye contact creates the sexual arousal, it's that your body starts to recognize that eye contact is another means to activate your own personal experience. So it's this like the eyes are open and it's another layer to this because it's not just seeing one another, right? You actually get to see desire, you get to see tenderness, you get to see the playfulness

11:41and how the two of you are interacting and what you see on the other person. It's not just my experience anymore. It becomes an hour or a shared experience. Our God is so good. I just think about that and you hear that and you're like, wow, the eyes and what we get to see so many people will go to marriage events and they'll be like, what is intimacy? You know, intimacy, right? We hear this so much, again, intimacy by definition is closeness and connection. That is the actual definition. And yet when you hear that intimacy into me see, I think this plays really well here because we do get to see something so deep, so vulnerable, so the tenderness, the beauty of our bodies. And sometimes that's hard. We may not even like our own body. And so to expect somebody else to like it or husband or our wife to like it, that can be really hard.

12:41And yet there's this, I mean, science has shown that there is this experience we have when our eyes are open. I just think it's amazing sometimes. Well, and you think about all of the nonverbal communication that can happen in that, right? Like I want you. I'm here with you. I trust you. I'm enjoying this, right? I see all of you. We're doing this together. You think about how much can be communicated in the eye contact. And then you also think about conversely like when it's missing from an encounter, you know, like what starts to happen right there? Like you might fall into patterns where, you know, because everybody's got their eyes closed. And again, they're, please hear me. There's no judgment. Tony and I, and I need to say this. We do not have our eyes open all the time for the entire duration. But it's thinking about, and let me just put this here right now for a second. It's thinking about using eye contact as another tool in your sexual intimacy toolbox.

13:45It may not be something you do every single time. Right. It's something that comes up that allows you to experience one another in a different way, in a different light, in a different view that has maybe gone a little bit of the routine. And Alisa and I could, we can raise our hands. Truthfully, I mean, there are many a times where we can just get into our, hey, what are we doing? How are we doing this? We are talking about it. The other week, it's just like, hey, just grab the towel. This is our initiation. We can fall into these rhythms. And we can call them a rut at times as well. And so we, and Alisa didn't hear herself. It was a what can I do moment? It wasn't something we discussed. We're here. We're being sexually intimate. And Alisa pulled a what can I do moment? And was just like, okay, well, I'm going to just keep looking at Tony. I'm going to make the conscious effort to be present in enjoying this moment with him,

14:50judging me not telling me I have to do it, but allowing herself to be in that moment, which then brought me into in a moment with her that this tool, which we hadn't, haven't used in a while, maybe, in that way made that encounter something very special. Yeah, it's interesting because you think about the routines, right? For a lot of couples, lights go off, it's dark, eyes are shut. And you just kind of like, you know the drill. You know who's going to touch who, where and what's going to happen. And you know, you can almost time it down to the second and that's just what happens in your sexual intimacy. And then you start getting into this place of going, well, what are the tools in our toolbox? Right? And, you know, thinking through eye contact because it can answer this question when we have sex, how present do we feel with one another? Right? What does it look like to make eye contact with this person that you chose? Remember the whole I do thing at the altar or standing in front of, you know, friends and family. And you said I do.

15:51And so can you through your opening of your eyes really step into that place where I do comes back into the equation. I do see you. I do want to be here. I do want to be fully present with you. Yeah. And the other side of that coin is what happens when you do open your eyes because for some people that eye contact and the idea and some of you are already thinking about this, like, I don't want to open my eyes because I'm struggling. Right? And I need to address this. Like some of you are like, I don't want, I don't want to be seen. I don't want, you know, like I got body image issues. I'm struggling with that. There may be things between the two of you that are like unresolved hurts that you are already thinking, well, we can't even have a conversation and keep our eyes open when we're fully dressed. Like because we got some stuff going on. So I don't know how on earth I would do that when we're being sexually intimate. And you know, if you're dealing with those kinds of things like you not just to be able to make eye contact when you're being sexually intimate, but you also need to consider

16:53just for your quality of light, like what does it look like to address those so that you can make eye contact, you can look into one another's eyes outside of the bedroom and potentially bring that into the bedroom because this isn't just eye contact isn't just about sexual intimacy. It's really about all the pillars. It is. Right? We're talking about it. We're using the container of sexual intimacy today, but we want to make sure that as we are talking about this, it isn't just like one more thing you have to do. It's another option. Like I said, you know, a few minutes ago, it's another option in your toolbox, something that you can choose to do. Like Tony so eloquently said, pull what can I do? I really like that phrasing. I think we're going to start. Pull what can I do? Pull what can I do? I like that. But we're going to talk about how to do that as a couple after the spring. Whenever we travel, I've learned that a little preparation goes a long way. I think through what the weather is going to be like, what we're actually doing on the

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18:58So when the plates are empty and the sink is full, use Paul Molliv ultra. Paul Molliv's most powerful formula removes up to 99.9% of grease, leaving your dishes sparkling clean. And the new convenient pump makes cleaning even easier so you can spend less time tackling dishes and more time together. Shop now at PaulMolliv.com. We're back and we're talking about this topic of using eye contact to enhance your sexual intimacy. And can I say something real quick as we jump back into this as we are recording, Alisa and I this morning went and got an eye appointment. So her eyes are dilated. Mine or not, I'm wearing new contacts with new prescriptions that are a little off, honestly. And it made me think we're talking about this eye contact and so many of us take it for granted. And what happens when it gets blurry or there is loss of sight, a decrease of it or whatever

20:01may be happening, it is so vital to our lives. And what if it becomes, what if we see it as being vital to this part of our life, I think is what I would say, it is vital. Like I love seeing people, I love seeing Alisa, I love seeing you guys when we get to meet. I love being on video and talking to people. My world would be rocked. And I think all of us would say that for the most part, that if we didn't have our eyesight, having it for as long as we've had. And so what would that look like if we were able to just go, man, it's so important, so many other areas of my life, what would it look like if I just got to see you in a way that in the sexual intimacy way that I value my eyesight so much for everything else? Wow. Yeah, it's interesting that you bring it up because like you said, my eyes are dilated and it was super interesting.

21:03We're like, what are we going to do in this podcast? And I'm like, I'm not sure, I'm not even sure if I'm focusing properly. So hopefully I am. Hopefully you guys haven't been like, what is up with Alisa? But as we talk about this topic, you know, it's one of those conversations for the two of you to have to explore this. And let me put the caveat on this that we often bring when we're talking about those sexual intimacy conversations, don't do it in the bedroom. Please. Correct. Have this conversation outside the bedroom. Don't be in the middle of a sexual act and be like, hey, you need to look at me because that's going to be awkward. And it can really be jarring. It can be so jarring to both for both of you. If it's something where you brought it up before, each of us is going to be a little different, right? But that in our spouse is fine and we'll roll with it. Others of us are like, whoa, that was out of left field. I don't know what to do now.

22:04You guys know who you are. So make it work for you. But I do think the conversation of just even listening to this and saying, hey, did you hear what Tony and Alisa were talking about? What if we did that one evening or one day? Like, let's make it a point. And then in that moment of ability to be like, hey, let's, let's practice. Or let's allow our eyes to linger on one another so we can see and enjoy what we're doing together. Well, and I would say you might even have to back it up one question before that. Really? Yeah, really. Okay. That's why I'm interrupting you. One question before that and to, you know, if you both have listened to this episode to just kind of ask what your thoughts were. On, sure. Keeping your eyes open. Something that the two of you have observed or one of you's observed, hey, we don't really do this very much. Why do you think that is? What is your experience around that? You know, is there a resistance to it?

23:05Because that might uncover some things. Again, it's not about, you know, badgering your spouse and beating them up to try something new. This is an invitation to connect in a different way. And if you see it as an invitation, then you can hear what your spouse is experiencing and where they might want to try or maybe not. But it becomes a conversation and invitation for emotional intimacy. It's really a beautiful blending of the interconnectedness of emotional and sexual intimacy to say, hey, I want to have a conversation. I've noticed this about us that we don't very much. What would that experience be like for you or how do you feel about it? And then you can get into that next conversation or next question of, hey, the next time, depending on what the resistance was, the next time that we're sexually intimate, what would it look like for us to try that? And that way you're inviting that opportunity. It's an opportunity. It may work. Here's the thing. It may be work and work wonderfully. And you're like, this is awesome, unbelievable.

24:07Or it may just be like, that wasn't, that wasn't it for us. And it's okay either way. As Alisa said, this is another tool in your toolkit. When you may pull it out once a year, it may be in there. And it's used more often. And for others of you, you're going to be like, dude, this was amazing. We did this all the time. We want to use this all the time. I think the biggest thing is, have you and or have you not. And where are you on it? Again, Alisa and I, I can't remember the last time it was that intense. There are definitely times when we have our eyes open. It's not something where it's like, oh, we're doing this every single time now. It's cool. It was amazing. It was awesome. The next time I don't know if we will. Right. I'm not, again, it's not like, oh, we're going to have sex. Check, you know, close or off check, eyes are open check.

25:08It's not that kind of tool. It's just, is this a day that I'm going to? Yeah. Is this a night that I'm going to? And with that too, after you have the conversation, especially for some of you that consider it to or it feels very awkward, you may start actually practicing outside the bedroom, like fully dry, like how maybe YouTube aren't even aware how much or how little you make eye contact. And so like practicing out kind of like what Tony did at the top of this episode, if you're watching on YouTube where he's just like staring into my eyes, which I can't get that close because again, they're dilated. But are you comfortable making eye contact? Can you sustain eye contact just fully dressed outside of your bedroom? Can you sit there or stand there and just be like, I'm going to look into your eyes. It's vulnerable. It is a vulnerable state. It is a trust like I trust you to see me. Again, if we look at what we've heard many of times in church settings and that into

26:09me see, it's penetrating. I mean, there, there have definitely been times when at least and I have eye contact in just a social setting in our home, wherever it may be. And I feel like, man, she is penetrating my soul. And I got to tell her, I'm like, can you just look away for a second because it's a little much. And so practicing with one another of just being able to look in each other's eyes and just see one another can be huge. I think at least and I do this a lot, we make it a point. I don't know if we even know that we make it a point, but we have over the years just been able to really look at each other. Now, are there moments and times when things are not going the way you want to go and you look your look away, you look at your phone, you go pick up something else, absolutely. That is life. That is marriage. That is the day to day of living with another person that you said I do to tell death to us part. And yeah, is it uncomfortable at times?

27:12Absolutely. It would be lying and at least I would be lying to say that we don't have those moments. And so that's part of the journey we're on is, okay, I can't look at you right now because of whatever that may be. And yet there are other times when I can. Yeah, it's an interesting thing because so much is made about eye contact and communication strategies and things like that. And we never, I think, stop to think about what does that look like in our bedroom, right? As another form of communication. And for those of you that are like, okay, and like I kind of hear what you're saying, you know, have the conversation outside, even outside the bedroom, even practice, maybe having this conversation fully dressed. It may also just taking it one step further be something that you're like, hey, we are going to try this the next time that we're sexually intimate. And it doesn't have to be yes. Did I keep my eyes open for a very long time, you know, the last time that Tony and I were sexually intimate? I thought it was sexy.

28:12It was awesome. And I'm not, I'm not downplaying that. But I'm just saying like, like as you're testing this, as you're flexing this, I muscle, you know, maybe it's just starts and it's a little bit longer than what you would have done in the past. And maybe it is paired, excuse me, it's paired with words like, I like looking at you. Or you're so beautiful or you're so handsome that kind of breaks that whole, like I'm just staring into your soul. I want to see you. I want to experience this with you. I know for myself, it's, I just want to see the reactions. I want to see the joy. I want to see the excitement. I want to see the tenderness. I, that's for me, the visual of it allows for such a intense encounter. Being with you, I think it is. That's a little deep, but we've been talking about here today. I don't think we ever talked that much about how we've, how we've experienced one another.

29:15And I think having our eyes open allows us and allowed you and I to be able to, to share a little bit. But I would say for each and every one of you, think about it. Think about it this week. What would it be to, to open up your eyes? To really open up your eyes and just see your spouse in that moment when you're being sexually intimate. And for some of you, you're like, heck, no. Okay, cool. Others of you are going, huh, what could that look like? And for those of you, I'd say, go get a salt lamp. Go get something that will allow that romantic hue or whatever you write. Okay. The romantic hue lighting in your room that allows it to be more than just bright lights on or lights off. And just have this conversation. Bring it up with your spouse because it can turn into a conversation that leads, starts

30:15with sexual intimacy, but can lead into other areas of your pillars into go, wow, we were just to look at each other a little bit more. What could that do for our marriage? How could we create that extraordinary marriage? We desire by looking at one another. And so this week, go out there, talk about opening your eyes, looking into one another's eyes. And as Alisa did, pull a what can I do? Maybe it's just one of you just needs to pull a what can I do and just go for it and see what happens. Do you guys have yourselves a fantastic week? We'll catch you next week. Love you guys. You know that feeling when too many things fall through the cracks? Monday.com was built for that gap. The AI work platform where people and agents work side by side to deliver more together. Create your first Monday agent today at Monday.com.