6 Years 298 days - Kids Sports

0:00All right, you are back with comedian of Boyle and I'm quitting alcohol. So I just got back from my son's soccer tournament and I tell you what, American sports parents are fucking psychos and I'm all for it. I thought I was a psycho but some of the fucking parents out there today just screaming at their kids. And I am absolutely all about it because I agree with them. Your kids are retarded. I thought there were some fucking retarded kids in Australia but America has some fucking top shelf retard kids and a couple of them are on

1:06my son's team. A couple of top tier high performing retards. It's just the boulevard of broken dreams out there. Every parent's just hopeful they've done the training they've put in the hard work they've dumped a shitload of money just to even play soccer. They're looking at their kid they're out there kicking the ball with them and they're just like all right he's ready. He's ready to go and within the first like minute it's just zoom past them they're running into each other and it's just like what the fuck is this? Is this like the fifth sequel to the Mighty Ducks? What is going on? What was all that pep talker just gave my son what what the fuck was up for? There was even an Irish guy screaming at his retarded kids. So there's plenty out there in Ireland too. You've

2:09imported a couple of retards. There's one kid on my son's team. He's like I love watching him because he's so fucking funny. His dad has hoped because his older son is apparently a good football player and this kid is like he is. I don't know what he is. He's like a cartoon character. He's so funny I'd listen to him speak into the other kids and he's I don't know he's a character he's a retard. When I say character I mean retarded. I'm going for the world record R words in a podcast that will be on my fucking Spotify wrapped up or whatever the fuck it is. Spotify wrapped 2026 most R words in a podcast episode an hour plus. This is only 10 minutes. Yes, well he's still one.

3:10Anyway, I'm not going to say this kid name but let's call him. He sort of looks like a mix between Dennis the Menace and that elf alpha cunt out of the little rascals. That's what he looks like and he's a little like he's skinny and he's a little bit taller and to say this kid is uncoordinated is like an understatement but for some reason his data has hoped and he's the most entertaining player out there. I just watch him and laugh my head off. Anyway, today he was down in the back line. He was in open space and he was running across the field sort of in the opposite direction to the ball. His back was to me. Well, his back was to the sideline and he's running across in a diagonal

4:10and his dad calls out to him. His dad was like, get the ball. He called his name. He's like, alfalfa, get the ball and his son didn't hear and so he goes alfalfa and his kid heard him as he was running in this diagonal, looked back at his dad to see what he was going to say while he's running and tripped over his own feet and ate shit. Just ate shit like there's no other player anywhere near him. He shouldn't have been where he was in the first place. He was basically on a deserted island and he looked back and he just tripped over his own feet. That was that looking back as he's running was too much of a complex movement for this kid and he ate shit.

5:10He was just lying on the ground and I'm looking at his dad and his dad is just mortified. That wasn't even the worst. The worst was they have this goalkeeper. So my son's team played two games today. It was a tournament. They've got games tomorrow as well. They won one and they lost one. They lost the first one. My son played absolute dog shit in the first one and then played pretty good in the second one. The one they won anyway in the second game. They've got this goal keeper and he just gets like mesmerized by the ball. He gets carried away so he's always leaving the goal and just slowly walking towards wherever the ball is. He forgets that he's the goalkeeper and he just starts walking out like watching the play but mesmerized by the ball and so he leaves

6:15the goal wide open. He's nowhere to be seen. He's like half a half way and then every now and then he'll remember he's the goalkeeper and then sprint back to the goal. Anyway, the ball was right down their their end and he's meant to be defending the goal and the ball sort of goes out to the left sideline a little bit and he sort of walks out towards it. Just mesmerized like it's a fucking red balloon and he's a three year old and so he's following the ball and the ball gets taken towards the goal line and he's still following it so he's on the goal line and he's watching the ball and he's now moving backwards because the ball's coming towards the goal and then he remembers he's the goalkeeper and he looks back at the goal, realizes the goals are open and the balls there

7:21he turns back to look at the ball, starts walking backwards and then realizes he has to defend the goal turns sprints directly into the side of the goal gets like into the net of the side of the goal and he gets tangled up he gets tangled up in the side of the goal net and no luckily the ball got cleared as this is happening and everyone's attention is down the other end except mine I'm watching this little kid just wrestling his way out of the side of the goal net and I'm like what the fuck is this no tell me what this is no one's leaving here today happy kids sports are fucked I can tell you that right now I don't know whose parent tangled up goalkeeper

8:24was but fucking hell none of us had a good day today none of us I'm all for the fucking psycho American parents yelling at their kids though and the umpires and other kids and everyone I love it I'm all about it because they are all little retards anyway back there tomorrow for the end of the tournament Jesus Christ that's gonna be an experience anyway fucking that'll do it for tonight and I'll see you in the ball water