450. Rejection: 5 Habits That Create A Marriage Where Intimacy Is Wanted, NOT Avoided.

0:00You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast where we discuss how to find Ultimate Intimacy in your relationship. We believe that no matter how many years you have been married, you could find passion, happiness, and romance at any stage of your life. Join us as we have discussions in all areas of intimacy, interview, marriage professionals, and people who are just flat out fun. Our podcast is for all couples looking to transform their relationship. Welcome to another episode of the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Niggin Amy and today's episode we're gonna do on... well I did it we did on rejection. Everyone's favorite topic. We did a video a little while ago that kind of went viral. I think you're like almost to the million. I mean I don't have social media so I have

1:03I have to ask Amy how the video did. He had a clue. I have no idea. The time it was like and he's like oh we had this post go viral I'm like. What post? What post? What are you talking about? No we make the videos together. He just doesn't know when I post them. Who makes horrible comments? Who makes good comments? Yeah I have no idea. But apparently it went a little viral. Yeah I think all the women loved it. I think the women loved it. And it was on the five reasons that my wife Amy never rejects me. They must work I don't know. Let me verify it never. We did put never on the post. I can't say that I've never said hey how about tomorrow and I instead like we are married like there are some nights where I'm just like the when I think of rejection I think of like oh no don't touch me tonight. Do you know what I mean yeah I try if there's ever a night which I hardly try to say no because number one yeah the

2:06emotional intimacy is good in our marriage we work really hard on that you know it's okay to reject and I look at this at 50 years old like why would you want to reject this? It's okay to reject but it's how you do it right but what I did say in a lot of the comments was I don't have to reject because he's awesome enough to like read the room if I'm not feeling it like most of Chinese are respectful and doesn't even go there like I feel you're pretty good at like if I make oh I just started my you know the monthly or there's certain things are I'm exhausted tonight like if I make a certain comments like he's not even gonna try to initiate it's he's good at reading the room I'm complimenting you like I don't have to read a lot of men don't even pay attention they're like tonight tonight and she's like are you even like no what's going on in my life? I do not know that I just got my car accident tonight and I'm in the hospital no it's uh no but that's how we as men are me me included like no I'm totally not like that well sometimes I'm totally oblivious anyways the video is on rejection and we're gonna share the

3:12five things that it does that said I never reject him like yeah like I tried to because he's so great and this and it wasn't always like this oh that's for sure that's for sure I am uh he's gotten he's he's exploring he's exploring these things over the last 10 years so I tried never to reject you before that either I know that intimacy is really important that's why we literally try to do what we do but that's why yeah like I yeah this is like a big long topic hopefully no one gets mad at us please realize it's a 30 minute episode we can't dive into anything disclaimer we know that you've good emotional intimacy comes first we have episodes on that before we jump into this but I think we're gonna talk about kind of why these are such great things and it husbands yeah we're kind of talking to the husbands today why she we're gonna hopefully you're like yes yes yes yes I totally agree with all those things but husbands if you want more intimate marriage from having better emotional connection like and you want the rejection to stop just just

4:13give this episode a chance right and I must admit by the time this airs I will have turned 50 so having said that to this video this video uh was several months ago so you're so young I don't yeah I was so young back then I don't remember what I talked about back then you don't remember what I need I do remember some so Amy has to help me out a little bit you're like nick did a video and he doesn't even remember what five days because I was 49 give me a break and now you're 50 now I'm 50 a year ago I had my whole life ahead of me and now you know it'd be really cool if some of our listeners that actually like really like us maybe want to write us a little email and say happy birthday Nick and 50's okay you're still cool you're gonna be okay you're gonna be okay yeah why still wants you it's good yeah that's that's true I mean anyways that'd be pretty cool if your inbox that's flooded with like happy birthday anyways you know oh I mean so yeah I was kind of reminiscing like like I feel pretty good for 50 yeah

5:20uh I have the interesting thing is I have more hair at 50 than I had at 49 the 48 so I don't know what's going on but I I feel like bangs have been buttoned I'm turning back the time and 10 years from now and he's gonna be like dang look at that look at that guy out there cleaning the pool with that six pack you got a hair transplant FYI okay um anyways should we jump in let's jump in yeah we've got enough time I've heard about the six pack thing for so many years that's definitely not going to happen so I'm not gonna do my my hopes up on that one but that's all I still love you it's not good to post an Instagram video when that happens okay um anyways yeah okay so the title of this is why my wife never rejects me never as in he doesn't well maybe that should be number one is you don't really ask when you read the room and you know that it's the wrong time like men yes number one number one as of today as of today I read the room you always have

6:22you're good at that for the most part except except except last month ago except a month ago you're like super Monday Monday yeah it was like the anniversary of my dad's death and you like had all yes and I told him after and he's like want to make love and I didn't deny him in any way but I'm like it's about to be day and I will admit I felt bad I totally forgot I'm like my friend that I don't even talk too much text to me and it's fine like I'm no hard feelings like I let it's fine we're at a stage in life where I'm like it's fine it's not like it's fine it's I still want to make love I love you all right number one Amy is not my mother and I don't expect her to be my mother so that means I you know clean up after myself if I see dishes in the sink I don't assume that's her responsibility honestly if I see laundry I'll just walk in the laundry room be like oh looks like some things need to be done and I'll fold laundry I just

7:24in all honesty I really try to look around and just see if something needs to be done um like oh that needs to be done I'm gonna I'm gonna do it and it's not it's not to try to you know get some later um it's not for getting points or anything like I and I have not always been like this but I think again that's expecting that why is that her responsibility it just something that needs to be done and so I try to do that and I think some men are really good at that others are maybe not so good at that we're really bad we're really bad at that and I was one of those guys that used to be pretty bad at that so so instead of you just saying what you do and be like you should do this well I just want to expand on each of these like why so many these are like the top things that we've done pulls on with that women want more of in their marriage and that's why we made this video because I'm like gosh you know what that's like we took like the top five or six and I'm like those are literally what Nick does and this is why it makes a different so after you share like what that is like I want to say why that's emotionally connecting well

8:28and you shouldn't have expectations like I want heck if I do this I'm gonna be expecting them guests I'm gonna write and you should be doing it just because those are things that need to be done and I mean if you live in the house and eat in the house like clear about yourself you know you wear clothes like those are part of it I think what's so great and this will look different to every marriage some wives just stay at home moms and they're like this I I want to do all this I'm I'm over the meals I'm over that like I'm good every situation it's gonna be different right when in our marriage now there was a time where I was doing most of the working now we both you know try to split things up and so then we have to split things up in the home so it's not like a 50-50 kind of thing it's a and a lot of like there's a lot of viral social media posts going on like the fifth there's six live like which for women is not having to ask and I completely agree with that like when a husband just reads the room and he's not like swiping on his phone while his wife and there's nothing wrong with swiping on a phone yeah don't get it wrong I'm just saying like

9:28when a wife is like going from here to here and now she's wiping the counters and she's cleaning them back for the kids and they're living rooms of mess and the sink is full of dishes and the laundry hasn't been in a couple days and it's starting to pile up like a husband and it goes both ways some wives don't do these things too and a lot of husbands say they're the ones that do all this stuff so I understand it's not like a man woman thing but like when one spouse is always doing everything and the other one's just kind of like watching like that kills attraction so fast in marriage oh she's looking at stuff from like a 50-50 standpoint or like I'm doing all the work or this and that obviously you're not in a good place honestly I don't know how Amy fills but for me like when we get to a point where we just see something that needs to be done and do it I don't longer look at like oh she's doing more or I'm doing more or who's doing more it just becomes like we work together as a team and if something needs to be done we do it and that doesn't mean I'm always gonna you know read her mind and know exactly when needs to be done sometimes Amy will

10:28say hey we need to do this I'm like oh perfect okay right you know show point stuff out or vice person in a nice way I'm not I try not to be a nagger but I'd like hey you know and this is kind of like my little hit and secret but like we always try to we're not super good at all the time but we try to get our kids involved on Saturday so the chores become a family thing right and so like I don't want to feel like the mom or the only one that's like getting stuff done in the house like that's not I mean if you're both working full-time especially like that's everyone's job is to kind of maintain the home right that's why we kind of created that new you and I app that we launched with the harmony home nature to you talking about the mental load and all those things but I just think it's really important for husbands to understand that when she does feel like your mom it changes the relationship we want to we want to feel like your passionate lover that your best friend like that you have that like sexual connection that emotional connection when we feel like we're constantly cleaning up after you always taking care of you like the mothering kind of

11:31relationship that's such a turn off yeah you're not gonna want any knocking boots later you're not gonna want anything I just and and that's gonna I please don't come after us like that's gonna look different to every marriage it depends on how you handle it in your marriage but if she's always always feeling like she's cleaning it like if you can't be your shoes away or you can't pick up clothes off the floor and like she just picks up after you like another toddler I've just promised you it's gonna change the dynamic a little bit and not in a good way so just be mindful of that and that's why I a lot of women on this post commented like these are literally golden yeah like these five things so we can move on but well on the second the second thing is is I do this religiously you hear us talk about this religiously but we go out on date night at least once a week and there's been occasions we've done it twice a week and sometimes every other week if we have something it's yeah like we good has to be but no but we we prioritize date night because that's how we fell in love we had good conversations we were having fun laughing and

12:34enjoying each other um going out together and so that's that might look different for every couple depending on what stage of life you're in even if you have little kids at home you can still plan a at home date right there's still things you can do to spend time together talk show each other care about each other play games whatever that may be and so one of the anytime a couple emails us and we get emails all the time any any issues they're having one of the first things we typically ask as well are you having date night or you dating each other and I can say 90% or more of the time it's like no we don't date each other well how are you gonna stay connected and romantic and um desire each other if you're not dating each other so 100% and there are a lot of husband's that have made comments like why don't you keep dating or we're married because you fell in love by dating which date and love what date your spouse like every Friday night like I'm like let's get the headband of the house together like why would you not want to go out and date your spouse

13:38I don't know you have some solid reason why not please let us know so we can maybe make the line shape things we're probably that no um okay you said in the video I just have it up because it's been a while it was like six months ago um you said number three is um you don't watch porn yeah and and you listed the reasons why you don't why it's harmful why you don't look at other people so I just well I mean that's awesome I mean I could sit in less than thousand reasons why I don't but I just I don't like I think I've said this in other videos as well one of the things I mean I've done is cut out like rated our movies right like I don't want to put things in my mind that are gonna make me desire things or take my mind off Amy or things like that and so um yeah I just I this is one thing in my life luckily I've never struggled with um I've tried to just keep things in my life to keep this away from me and I'm not sitting here saying

14:39I've never seen it obviously you you know you're scrolling on google or something and something pops up but I've never actively gone out looking for it I don't look at it um but I I just feel like that's gonna just be detrimental to your marriage and I think one of the reasons too is Amy and I have some pretty good friends that um have struggled with this and I just look at their life and I see how every day their life is just not only their life but just their marriage is like on survival mode of just trying to get through each day because of the effects that pornography has caused them in their lives so um me personally I know other people think differently but I would say for the most part most Christians think that this is something that they do not want in their marriage I don't want anything of it part of it I feel like it's going to be the plague that completely destroys relationships um and so yeah that's just a choice I've made and like I said my mind is clear my mind is focused I can focus everything on my wife and only have eyes for my wife so

15:46um for those listening that maybe a wife that has had a husband that struggles with it or is struggling with it like we have I don't want to get into this because it's not a pornography episode but we have an amazing episode with therapist Austin our favorite expert um it's a little ways back maybe a couple months maybe a few months but he does a really good job at giving people hope of how to get out of it exactly how to find you know how just how to how to get it out of your like like so many people say they struggle and struggle and they get out and then they can't get out and then they just stuck back in it and then they just a constant struggle in the marriage it's ripped their parent marriage apart it's ripped their intimacy life apart like he just has really good tips and he can really be helpful to you if you need it yeah and and I want to make it very clear uh and I'm glad you said that but I don't want to sound insensitive or or anything like I know there's a lot of people struggling with this and I think that's one of the reasons why I've tried to shun it and keep it out of my life like I I literally do a lot of things in my life

16:52proactively to keep that out of my life I really do like I put up I put up barriers like I do things to keep that out because I've seen the devastating impacts of it and I know my personality I kind of have an addictive personality to where I you know whatever I do like even in the past whether it's golf or just different things like I I kind of have an addictive personality and knowing that I know I need to be careful about certain things as well and so again I've just I've done everything in my life just to try to shun it and keep it completely out of my life and so again I don't want to sound insensitive if you if it's something you struggle with you can get help you can overcome it and you know just there there's things there's things and people out there that can help you and I don't want to you know if you're struggling with it it doesn't mean you're a bad person at all in any way you can get the help that you need if it's something you want to overcome I guess I do want to say though it's very emotionally connecting to a wife that a husband runs turns

17:56and runs away from that like I just want to say like that that's big for me I feel like it's cheating and so we've had a lot of discussions in our marriage what this looks like between us and so I I just wanted to add that that like having these discussions being open with each other being honest and vulnerable with each other putting up boundaries together like it's really attractive well what's kind of funny is like the other night like we were watching the show and people were start were making out and it didn't it didn't show anything but sometimes all fast forward stuff and things like that I don't even show anything but but it's it's amazing how my my mind and my body is just really sensitive to that um just because I recognize like what those things can arouse what type of feelings those can arouse and things like that and so so again I just you know that's just one thing Amy and I have decided that um we don't want to ever have to get into our marriage just really you know we put up walls and boundaries and do certain things to keep it out I like that you said proactive it's something you'd be very proactive

18:56oh you have to you know what I mean you you have to like you have to it's almost like people are shooting at you and you've got to take cover you've got to figure out ways to dodge those bolts because if you just kind if you don't put up boundaries or be proactive there's a better chance that something's going to get you right there's pornography or something and I think we'll do another episode with Austin soon on the destructiveness of it and how to keep it out of your life if it has has not gone you yet right so then it doesn't um okay and this one kind of leads into your number four that you said you don't have social media and then you explain why I don't know if you want to touch on that for a sec and that I feel like this goes hand in hand with pornography because I feel like there's so at least people say I don't I am pretty careful on there so I don't see anything bad but like I've heard that it's it could be a real trap social media trap to kind of start that whole well I think you know I chose a while back I chose I got rid of social media I like at the beginning of our marriage like we're talking 23 years ago yeah like

20:00somehow I still have a Facebook page that I can't get rid of but I haven't logged into it in probably 15 20 years or whatever it's been um yeah I just I just don't have the desired out social media again this is just me um just not having the desire to have that um I probably do waste my time in other areas that I probably shouldn't like the news just rolling through the news and kind of seeing samples out there yeah like just not having social media um has been a great blessing for me and benefiting me I don't have to yeah worry about anything I don't have to think about anything I don't have to waste time on that like I said I'm guilty of having time oysters in other areas no question but um yeah I feel like it's been a really good blessing and I'm not like against I'm not all against social media I think it's just really careful to set boundaries you know I I think it's attractive that you chose I'm not to have it yeah this was my choice and I I think that a lot of men struggle with I mean it's just a fact that pornography

21:04comes at men a lot more I think I think it's getting higher for women but um that sometimes does start with social media you can't control what you see on there so I don't know that's attracting me I'm not saying that wives has been like everyone is turning on social media I'm not saying that at all I'm just saying that that's attractive to me that doesn't he doesn't want it doesn't want to spend time on it number one but number two like I'm not against it just make sure you're talking and you're setting boundaries together you're careful what you're seeing those algorithms are tricky right so yeah I mean other than our business account we have yeah that I run yeah like I just I don't know it is a time waste or so just be careful I think it's attractive when your spouse like like really prioritizes your marriage over stuff that just doesn't matter and so whatever that looks like in your marriage I just I think a lot of women were like oh my gosh like that's so amazing my husband spends so many hours on social media and women do it too I I think I equally goes both ways but picking your marriage first right it's it's attractive so if you see a social media account for me out there he'll see I haven't posted or

22:06go on in years it's not like I said I can't figure out how to get rid of the Facebook one so okay and then the last one you listed was there is time for hobbies and golf after you put your marriage first it's called balance and you talked about that in the video yeah I mean I think that's really important I mean it's kind of funny like I just getting back to my addicted personalities so we had this golf simulator place open up in town like two months ago and he's like oh you should get a membership there I went with my buddy and I'm like oh I had so much fun and I don't really play golf anymore but it's something I really enjoy and I'm like oh I went down and spend an hour or two and had a great time play 36 holes and it was it was a blast so of course I'm like oh you should get a membership I did I was I'm like he needs a healthy hobby again like I I promote that yeah and I got a membership and it started to turn in and almost like I'm gonna go down every day for a couple hours and coming back to my addictive behavior and I'm like why are I can't I can't you know go that much obviously but

23:09his wife might have freaked out on the after the second week and I'm like uh that was more than that was more time than around a golf on Saturday yeah that he sure hours so but but getting to that is just like being being mindful and aware of like balancing those things out and so now what's great is I like you know Amy has something on Wednesday every Wednesday night usually so I'm like okay I'll go down Wednesday night while she's at her thing and you know whatever and trying to find that balance but I think it is important to it is very important to have like you time and get away and do different things individually as couples but it's also important to find a balance in that and it's really hard like at our stage of life when like your kids are super busy the wife's no we're kind of out because our kids driving out most of them driving out but like there's those stages where like the kids' lives are really busy in the evenings but husband's work during the days or wife's you know everyone's working here in the days and stuff so I don't know it's just it's you have to be super careful with the whole hobbies extra curricular

24:10kind of stuff for as adults it's important but that balance could be really tricky because it's like we watch in our area pickleball is kind of taken over the world in our area and we're seeing marriages really struggle from it because it's so addictive and yeah it's only an hour and a half two hours of game whatever games but we at the very you know when we first got into it we were started seeing couples like in the evenings every night I'm like little kids to better why why does the husband always gone every night like it just we just started noticing things and we're like I think this is really starting to hurt marriages like we're super well super big pickleball fans but like you have to balance things out and that's just the communication and making sure that you know you're both on board that there's a healthy balance that you're I mean I think that you should promote each other to go do fun things and get out once in a while but just make sure you're like on the same page when I think you hit exactly what I was gonna say it's just talking to each other so like another day when he's like oh my heck you're going to this place every day we haven't talked

25:13about how often I would go before right so I said I said okay let's let's talk like what what is good and we kind of came to cream and like a couple times a week or so is you know good or things like that and so it's it really is just that simple city down and talking about it if there's an issue don't just assume sit down talk about it say hey what what do you feel comfortable with and that's where you can have that expectation sets and the boundaries and things like that and it really is just that simple about talking about things and you both have to give and take a little bit right oh yeah I would probably pick five nights a week and I'd be like oh oh actually I'd say one pick five nights a little bit so you did but it was a it was a new ness thing and and my addicted personality I anyways I I've been there with pickle like I get it so it's it's definitely full of my ability the reason I wanted to like kind of talk about this and the whole point of the video was my wife never rejects me because of these things that I do if so summarize this all it all comes back to emotional connection when the emotional connection

26:16like picking your spouse over your phone dating your spouse continually like you know just being more present we talked with Austin on last Friday's episode about the whole sexual intimacy emotional intimacy where that ditch this disconnection comes in is about someone's not being present either in the bedroom or out of the bedroom and so these five things I just feel are like really attractive when you can tell your spouse is putting even husband or wife first over some of these things that builds teamwork and unity and that's when your sex life really just becomes intimate right and that's that's kind of like the cherry on top we want everyone to have such a good emotional life that their intimate life just rocks right that's the point rock ultimate intimacy so anyways hopefully those are just some tips that Nick has you don't have to do and we could pick one you could pick two whatever I got a lot more tips than that but putty the social media just down or less hours or minutes whatever trying to stay away from things that cause temptation in your

27:19marriage finding good balance with hobbies and all those things like I just if you can just try a little bit harder on each of those I just just really gonna help your intimate life and your emotional connection yeah totally agree yeah well I can use some great products we have a great sponsor shop.ultimateintimacy.com owners are incredible products are awesome they've helped a lot of couples I don't know for incredible but the products are incredible well I think I said that products are incredible the owners are less incredible yeah well anyways people know for 50 years old so thank you babe thank you so yeah if you need a good product we have if you're new to our podcast card decks intimate games conversation starters our new book let's talk about sex card decks get you talking about the emotional intimacy and the sexual intimacy if you're finding a disconnect there um V ring for her pleasure the intimate massage cream slash lubricant it's organic it's edible smells amazing we also have an ultimate intimacy brand leader can't

28:23not missing anything we have an intimacy box that's like pretty much all those things just grab the box get it all all the goodies shop.ultimateimacy.com it is for great cause we appreciate listening to the podcast and until next time with a ball of view find ultimate intimacy in your relationship