4007: fun. w/ Carrie Gravenson

0:00It's Paul in America, make it count at the Ram Drive-in to Fall Sales event, make it powerful with our strongest Ram 1500 ever, make it move with the Ram Heavy Duty with an available Cummins diesel, and make it go the distance with a 10 year or 100,000 mile powertrain limited warranty. Welcome to Keith and the Girl I'm Keith Malley, you know that, stop it, you know that. We're going to be revisiting an episode with Carrie Gravenson that covers How I Host Parties, Big Life Changing Secret, you'll love it. Revisiting my nonsense of direction, my trip with the Casios to San Juan, I'm a fun fucking guy. And of course, a look at the Don't bother Travel Show. We've been doing polls for all these shows, make sure you visit KeithMGirl.com slash forums, hit it yes or no, or how you been doing.

1:05We're also on Instagram and Reddit, KeithMGirl of course. At the end of this show, I'm going to play a song from unarguably, one of the best bands ever made, Candle Box, and I was really listening to it today, and I'm like, and it made me well up in the best fucking way. And you might hear it and think, well this is a love song, it's not a love song per se, but it's definitely sending love. To me right now, our appropriate later to us, something else when the time fits, but right now it's about friends and new friendships and what a life saver. When you hear the song, I don't mean any pun on life saver, but what a blessing, what a goddamn blessing. Whether I see in real life, we chat over the phone, if KeithMGirl listener, you email and to relate to some silly story I told, and next thing you know, there's a follow up or two. It all matters, it all fucking matters. And it's important and I'm learning to acknowledge that more.

2:05Pretty lucky. Pretty lucky. Because you have, you also have those people you would call friends, but they just don't get it, or they're not willing to get real because maybe it makes them look at themselves a certain way and they don't want to do that. I don't know. For example, I talked about my breakup, now about seven months ago, and I was surprised by it, and I was so fucking depressed. I'm not really a depressed guy. If you've listened to the show for 21 years, you know, what am I really depressed? But this broke me, and I'm thinking, what's the point of living? You think you're gonna have something so fucking good, it just gets taken away. What's the goddamn point? And you're not thinking about friends, right? That's depression. You're not thinking about things that normally excite you, because you're like, what's the point? But the point is, if you go after those things again, whether it's a gym that you liked, or friends that you liked, or a project that you liked, or a video game that you liked, and you did, but your depression is going, don't fucking bother.

3:07But if you did those things again, you know, you give you some kind of excitement. Be like, oh yeah, okay. Everything's not that bad. But Cherry has no album. You know, whatever your thing is. Anyway, so I lost something that seemed so important to me, and I'm like, what's the fucking point? So I did have suicidal ideation, and like I said, I didn't look, I'm in Charlotte now. I didn't look at a gun store. I didn't look, where's the highest point of Charlotte to jump from? I didn't look into that, but I just thought about, what the fuck? Do you put in your mouth and shoot up, right? That seems to be the secret, right? You don't go sideways, you can hit your jaw, and then what? Maybe you hit something, you can't even move, next to you. I mean, then what do you do? You can't climb the highest mountain, you can't shoot a gun again. Anyway, so I thought about it like that. That's it, but like that. And then I was telling a friend of mine, you know, I was just with the boys at the gun range.

4:11I didn't think about killing myself at all, not to myself as a joke, not to myself thinking, this is interesting, must be the company, because I don't want to. I didn't even think about it. And to me, that's like interesting good news. And I said to my friend, my friends, like, don't say that. Don't say what? Don't say that, you didn't even think about it. This is good news, you fucking simpleton. But then you got those real buddies that could talk about dark shit, and that's a fucking blessing. That's why I'm playing this song. In the meantime, of course, of course, shit keeps going. You got grand theft auto coming out, right? You got the NFL today. Come on now. Whoa, we're talking about it. At the end of the season, yeah, revisit the gun store, but right now, it's anything fucking goes, and it's pretty exciting. You may remember I picked some teams to win the Super Bowl Pittsburgh Steelers. My team, of course, I put a hundred bucks down, and then I parlayed a little bit

5:11for the first time this year. Panthers, because I live here, I put down 20 bucks, rams, I put down 35 bucks, bills 20 bucks, see how it's 20 bucks. I'll chiefs 15 bucks. And the results are in Pittsburgh Steelers undefeated. Now that doesn't make life worth 11. 20 to 13 against the Falcons. Hey, peace up, A town down. Get it. Being in Charlotte, I don't get these Steelers games. They're not even like to get it. You have to get one of these packages, and they're so fucking much. And the way the NFL does these packages, and then separates them on different TV. Like if you get to Sunday ticket, you only get Sunday games. You don't even get other fucking the way that fuck them. If you can turn it to fucking game, do it. If you could stream and steal a fucking NFL game, do it. And somebody would show me the simple site they have, and I'll tell you what it is.

6:11But it didn't work for me, but it worked for everybody else I told about. It's called crack streams. Crack like the drug streams, you're streaming. Crackstreams.mx. And I clicked on that and I found you see all the fucking games there. And it worked for like till the second half, and then just kind of crapping out, and then pop ups that scare you. It's just pop, I'm watching a game. It just pops up. You receive $4,404,783.29. Tap to get your money. I'm like, I right, what the fuck? Bling, your payment has increased to $7,626,227.1. Hurry up and get your money now. And I'm like, 0.1, it would be 0.10, right? So I'm like, this has to be a scam. I am not clicking on that. But you might have luck with it. I didn't so I had to watch on the, I'm going from my laptop to my computer to my app. And I'm trying all these fucking different things. When you know these people, like your team wins and you go, we did it and they go, yeah, what did you do?

7:11What did I do? What did I do? Three browsers per computer, VPN, going to my phone, trying to put on the TV. Don't worry, we fucking did it. All right? I sweat more than they did. These announcers, by the way. So I play Madden, the fake video game one and not the real pro. Okay, just so you know, it's video game, it's fake. And the announcers just react like they don't react, they don't work long term in this game. You do bad, they're like, this team cannot throw the ball to save their lives. They must be kicking themselves. And then I make a great touchdown. His arm does not quit. I'm like, okay, sent it kind of happens in real life. The falkens throw a ball that kind of late the way through it and then deep middle. Because you never throw a ball late and go deep middle. The other team's got an intercept. And then Aaron Rogers does it next play. Throws a late deep middle touchdown.

8:11Or unless it's going to work out to be a touchdown then you're in Rogers, then you can do it. Then you can do it. If you do turn from that site, I guess let me know. Let me know if you have problems because that'll feel good. But if it works for you, that'll feel good too. Just be careful, one wrong click, you have an empty bank account. But it's worth it. The way these f***** NFL charges us. Anyway, it's still just nation time, it's worth the risk. I didn't get to see the second half, but hey, I do know that hot horny moms are in my area. Liz? So 20 to 13, the season just started, but we are undefeated. Pretty sweet. The Seahawks have won the first game as well. I have 20 on them, like I said, 13 to 10 against the Patriots. I put money on the bills, like I said. Played the Houston Texans, 36 to 31. What a dumb f***** name. The Texans. Were the Texans. Hey, were the Charlotte Carolinas. Oh, how'd you think of that? The Rams did lose.

9:12They were the favorites to win the Super Bowl. Now again, the season just started. Nothing means nothing. But they lost big to San Francisco, 7 to 27. But that's all right. We're folks more on the Steelers. It's like the game risk. You can't spread your energy out too thin. So I get it. Panthers lost to the Chicago Bears. 59 to 37. 59 to 37. The Panthers here in Charlotte lost. Now Liz believed in jinxes in a big way. I don't believe in sports jinxes because there's... How many people are watching sports jinxin' things? It evens the f***** out. You have to assume. But no, she believes in it. Unless you're watching live, then you can root for them and smack the chair at the third down so the other team can hear them. So I was talking. But if you're home, I guess you have to be quiet. I'm not sure how the whole thing works. But she does believe in jinxes. Let me say this about the Panthers. Maybe I shouldn't have put 20 bucks on them to win the Super Bowl because. I bet if you give somebody a Panthers jersey of some kind

10:14and then you break their heart a month later out of the blue, you'll probably jinx that team for this season. Probably, probably. Someone said, did you keep the jerseys that Liz got? Yeah, of course. Oh, my clothes are from Czechs. Oh, my God. Am I going to throw out my couches? What's this part of life? But I did turn on my laptop. It was the last time I looked at it was months ago. I hardly ever used my laptop. And what popped in right away was the text from Liz dumping me. I just said, my text because it's the last one the day after popped up. Okay, I just moved to New York. Let me know if I can fly out and see you. I'm like, okay, that's a memory. Thank you, laptop. Steelers were a hundred, you say, right? One dash, zero dash, zero. And they will not let me down. Speaking of friends, Laura, she wrote in and said, hey, you're going through fucking heartbreak. Let me tell you something. I was blindsided too. And blah, blah, blah. And it's the fucking worst that da, da, da.

11:15We getting touched. She's the one I went to caroons with just yesterday. So I'll tell you all about that tomorrow. But a fucking who in a half spoiler. We got our fast pass. We got all the rides. It rained. I broke into an office. Okay, we'll fill you in all about that. And because caroons is in North and South Carolina. Now I need a South Carolina magnet. But it never ends these adventures. I'll tell you this, though. I'm looking at steps. You know, your phone tells you how far you walked. Easily over eight miles. Easily over eight miles. I do adventures. There's adventures. I'm going to find them. You've been a bit by accident. But I'm just not eight miles. I hope I don't bulk up too quick. You know what I mean? Like, see, you know, I'm like a reacher just because I was just out of fucking rubber. I will say this, though, about these rides. The roller coaster. I haven't been there at a theme park, like I said, for eight years. And when I saw their fucking monster, what, fury, 325, it's 325 feet.

12:16When I saw this fucking thing, I got nervous. I got nervous. Now, once you go over roller coaster, for me, it's done. And then everything's easy and breezy. The scariest one. And I think it's always going to be the scariest one for me. It's the roller coaster. It's the swings. You sit in a wicker chair. The outside is made out of metal. Two chains go to the top. The top spins around, shoots you outside. While you're in the chair holding on for their fucking life. The only thing protecting you is a bar that you drop down, that you clip yourself. And then later, unclip yourself right at your waist, right at your groin. You could kill yourself on that if you wanted to. That's a way to go. That's the most dangerous ride in any fucking park, if you ask me. And I do it. And I do it every time. Fuck you, death. But maybe like in Final Destination, they were like, let's use the swings. They're like, too hacky. Everybody knows you're going to fucking die on that.

13:17But yeah, we'll talk about all the rides. We'll talk about the horrible food, of course, and the hatch. Talk about the free soda trick. And we'll talk about Snoopy's water ride. If you know about carol wins, I call it scare wins. Because the way I did this fucking Snoopy water ride is fucking scary. So you're in this little water thing that goes around like a track. And you can shoot water from these little guns. And then on the outside, people not even in the ride, they can shoot back. And let me tell you something. I wasn't playing fucking games. I stood up at points. It's like, right in a fucking face. Women, children, I didn't give a fuck. That was one of my favorites. Oh, and check this out. I brought a pack of stickers. And I got an email here. Dear Keith, how was carol wins? More specifically, what was your score on the haunted house shooter? Wink, Jeff, PS. I turned you in for a free funnel cake. Cops should be arriving soon. I came with Keith and the girl stickers.

14:17I know what he's talking about. He's talking about boo blasters on Boo Hill. And you're in a car of two people. And you go through this little haunted house and you're supposed to shoot at things. But I never know how these fucking guns work. Should have brought one from the gun range. But you're clicking lights, chains, but I don't fucking know. Just, I don't know. So that's where I dropped a sticker right there on the front of the car to that. That everybody can see and apparently it worked. All right, so we'll get into that. But first, here's Henda. Here's Carrie Gravenson. And, um, and yeah. And yeah. We shop for everything at home now. Why can't we shop for blinds at home too? That's why I love three day blinds. Instead of wandering around a store, three day blinds sends a professional design consultant straight to you. They bring all the samples, help you see what actually works in your space, take expert measurements, and even handle the installation. We've all bought something that looked great in a store and looked terrible once we got home.

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17:19Get started. At wellfront.com, client was paid $1,000 for their testimonial creating a conflict of interest outcomes vary. 3.3% base APY as of January 30th, 2026 is represented, variable, and earned on funds swept to program banks. 0.65% new client boost for three months on up to $150,000. Direct deposit $1,000 a month and fund an investing account for a 0.25% increase. Cash account offered by Welfren Procridge LLC, Member of Finder, SIPC, and Out of Bank. Instant withdrawal subject to conditions, fees and eligibility requirements may apply to certain checking features of the cash account. Hey, are you welcome and listen to us, kids, and we are never home. Welcome to Keith and the Girl I'm Keith Malley. I'm Chanda. Here she is, the host of Fuck Mary Kill on the Keith and the Girl VIP Network. Carrie Gravenson. What's up, y'all? How you doing? Carrie, first of all, I need to thank you for I invited her to my Super Bowl party. So of course that means she fixed my bathroom sink. I did. I fixed it. Well, it was all spritzy spray. How long it had been like that? Long enough. Yeah. And you know, the fix was so easy, I wanted to hurt you. She asked, she unclogged something that was in the actual faucet.

18:20Right? And if I you unscrew the faucet, like a nipple, it's my nipple, right? And then you, I put a finger. Are you unscrew nipple? Yeah. You are the best lesbian ever. I know. Thank you. In that you sleep with men. Right. You can unscrew nipples. Yes. That makes me a quality lesbian. You see a problem. You fix it. If it's within my means in that moment, yes. Like the shower curtain thing, I was like, eh. I didn't put up my shower curtain because I was lazy, but you were like, I can only do one thing at a time. Did it bother you that I didn't have a shower curtain up? Yeah, of course. Of course. Yeah. When you saw how I put an iPhone cord, this part I didn't see, this I don't know what you're talking about. Somebody took the cord out of the wall and wrapped it up. That was signature carry. That would be me. You're right. I would claim that. I had done it, but that wasn't mine. I don't know. I don't know what you look at. A couple of crazies coming over. Yeah. You invited more than one. And you'd know I'd confess. You'd be proud. You know what? I finally put together the shelf that I've been taking so long putting together. Did you put it together? No. I had somebody come over, but my point is I could have saved a couple of books.

19:22I would just let it out, left it out. I would carry in whoever the strange friend is over. Yeah. Well, anyways, very fun to see you there. I did it. My bag was seven pounds this morning. And I was like, why is my bag so heavy? And it was seven pounds of change that Keith gave me for winning various bets at Super Bowl night because he got obnoxious and started paying me in pennies and shit. Why did I start paying you in pennies, Karen? Because you paid me in quarters first and I got you back by paying you in dimes and you got me back by paying me in pennies because both of us are children. And that's fun fucking party. It was great. It was great. She's paying me in less than ideal coins, but you're in my house, so I of course have a change job. Yeah, but you're paying me in freaking quarters. Did you have no use for quarters? Give me the dollars. Must be a nice life. Did you learn your lesson? No. What was my lesson? What should I have learned? To be more petty than Keith. I think you learned your lesson. Oh, and then I petty, I spiked Venmo to him a dollar because Keith was like, I don't

20:24take Venmo, fuck Venmo, Dirk, Dirk, you know, that's my Keith impression. And then she goes, well, you do take it because I just sent you a dollar and I'll give me a dollar. And then Keith's phone goes off and he's like, you've been with me a dollar and I'm like, now give me a dollar and he gave me pennies. So that's why my bag was seven pounds this morning. You guys are like besties, right? Congratulations on your relationship. You've been dating for over a year now. No one believed it would happen. Let alone last. Where do you guys go to celebrate? We went to a district, a district, on that. You went to a site gone? We went to site gone. It's a restaurant. Who decided which one? I think I did because I'd never been there and it was close by and the internet said it was pretty. When you have to fix somebody's sink in their house without them knowing, I picture that's an anxious person. Are you good in nice restaurants? You get nervous? I know you know etiquette and all that. But does the whole situation make you nervous? When I go into a nice restaurant, I expect that.

21:24I expect them to go, no. You expect to be rejected from a nice restaurant? I do, yeah. Why? What are you going to do in a nice restaurant? I'm going to get you rejected. It's abnormal that I go to a nice restaurant. Well now I got to take you to a nice restaurant. I'm a fixer. But you don't get to do it. You don't get to do it good. But you don't get anxiety? No. I want to eat and have a drink and sit. Are you an anxious person or am I wrong? No. I'm chill AF. No, not. Okay. That's pushing it. Oh my god. I don't think I'm anxious person. I'm like I was self-aware. You know, like every tweet you put out, you're ready to cut yourself. Cut or kill? Okay. Yes. What? Like when you have a, let's say you're having, do you have parties at your house? Not really. No, they'll ruin her nice place. No, it's just, it's small. You've been over. No, you haven't. I have not. It's just small. I haven't been invited. When you go to other people's places, do you get nervous ones at the time to leave that kind of thing? Yeah. Okay. Because if you leave too early or jerk and if you leave too late, you've overstayed,

22:28you know, like last night I bolted, I wanted to help you clean up, but then everyone left. So I was like, oh, I have to go. Or I'm like, I don't just help clean the dishes. Why do you want to help clean the dishes? Because I felt like it was a lot. Like I felt like he had, you know, seven people over and it was a lot of shit to clean up. And I felt guilty. Like I ate all the chips and then didn't help clean up. Wow. Do you believe she ate all your chips? She was very clear. In fact, this you'll see on social media. Yeah, I did tweet it. It was like I discovered potato chips. What's the last thing you had a potato chip? I don't know. She's explained it to us what potato chips are. I have no idea. They were so delicious. They sliced in front of potatoes. Who knew? You've heard of this? This has been around. Right. Right. Exactly. And they were like salt and vinegar. And they were Wegmans because we, Wegmans was a big topic last night that Wegmans. It's a grocery store. Did Matt bring that also? Yeah. I think so. Yeah. But he brought the best things over to Keith's party. Yeah. I'm still eating them today. He brought over food that will last me for days.

23:29Do you still have the chips? Are they here? Are they under this roof? Carey basically cleaned my house. And this is super ball. This one's in your party. It's ideals. You got rid of all your chains? Right. Should I bring anything? I go, I guess SOS pads if you want. No, you had me bring over plates. This is what happened on my way over. I'm way out the door. I have a time to get there exactly one minute before it starts as you do. And on my way out the door, I get it. I said, don't come at 6.30 like an asshole. You can come in. I said 6.29 because then you don't interrupt the game. 6.29 or 6.32 or half? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But 6.32 is watching the game. He can't interrupt himself to go answer the door. So I said 6.29, I'll be there. Even if it means I have to pace outside the apartment for four minutes, until it's 6.29. And on my way out, he goes, can you bring some paper plates? And I was like, absolutely. But now you messed up my timing. And now I'm not going to be 6.29 exactly. But that's okay because I'm super chill and laid back. Right. Luckily, I'm so chill that I was like, I'll just be a few minutes late.

24:29That's what people do. And then I said, did I do you a favor giving you a job? You did. Okay. Because you know, I'm good for it. But I said, do you want big plates or little plates? And his answer was 20. Okay. So I've got 20 big ones and 20 little big ones. Oh my God. Oh my God. Do I, everybody should want to be my friend? Yes, you're invited to everything I do. Yeah, I'm having sex with my boyfriend later. Can you just stop by? We'll tell you what to bring on the way. Move. All right, Carrie. Okay. That escalated quick. But do you want me to bring plates? I would like, give me a project. Give me a break. 25. Yes, bigger small. Do you want the big ones or the small ones? Yes. And then do you want the paper ones or the little plastic ones? Oh boy. You know? That's, I would have went to the store already. Okay, I'm looking at the text. She said, larger size or little bitties. Yeah. Larger size or little bitties. 20 plates, thank you. And his response was 20 plates. Dick. Anyway, we have a good time, right? It was fun. It was a good party. It was a good party.

25:30Keith is very interesting. Like, I like his honesty. So he's inviting friends to his parties. Unlike, I think what other people do is just invite everybody you know and hope for the best, right? Right. And hope that people get along. So he's inviting his friends. So when you say, can I bring something, he will answer you, honestly. And so nobody should say, can I bring something? Can I bring something if they're not prepared to bring some? Of course, especially in the text. It's not like, oh, tell me if I should bring something. Yeah. And it's never something ridiculous. You know, it's like paper towels or, you know, toilet paper. That's the thing. So one time he goes toilet paper. So he's just like handing out like, he's like, I don't have ketchup. So go get ketchup. So we're just doing his shopping. Yes, basically. He only has parties once a month so he can re up on toilet paper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's really smart. Well, he doesn't drink. Do I bring booze? He says he's fine with it, but is he? That was the first time I came over. I was like, oh, it's going to be, do I ask? Is it rude? Will I trigger him? You know, you don't know. I'm like, give me shampoo. But did I not help you out? Did I help you out by taste testing both vodka? You did very well. You were very funny about it, too.

26:30You go, you know what? I had the gray goose. I had Svetka. And she goes, I'll finish the cheap one for you. Like what a, what a favor. Oh my god. No, I don't have to put it back on the show. No, you don't want to open vodka. Who does that? Kind of what kind of animals are we? Yeah. That's so nice. And then you feel less guilty. Right. And then I didn't know where the recycle bin was. So I just put it next door. Back in your purse and you took it home. When did you start becoming a good friend to people? Alcohol. I'm such a high functioning alcoholic. It doesn't even, it doesn't even count. How good does that game shelf look that I have up? You didn't comment on it. I did. The game shelf looks amazing. I did notice. You only hear to tell us how good Keith is. Yeah, Keith is the bastard. Except that he can't put up a shower curtain, which is weird. Next year, that's real. It looks like you're inviting people to bathe. You know what I mean? You're like, there's no shower curtain. You can just get in there. Ray DeVito was there. He came out of the bathroom and he goes, well, I don't you have a shower curtain.

27:30And I think he thinks I was serious when I joke. Like times are tough and I can't afford one. But it was right that it was there. I don't think he saw that. And I go, wow, Ray, thanks. Now everybody knows I don't have a shower curtain. January's a tough month for people. No, I didn't mean nothing. I'm just saying I'm curious what I don't have one, Ray. We get it. Yeah. And I never corrected it. That's nice. And he still thinks that your destitute, he thinks that I embarrassed him. It's funny. Julia and Andrea on the back, you know how we try to be friends with people, keep in touch, do nice things. Keith's like, bring me over some conditioner. I don't even have hair. It's party time. You can bring. You can bring the big bottle or the little bitters. The little bitters. But I want to. We're the British. One time I had a friend who had a baby and I said, you know, that's first couple of months. You don't leave the house and everything's crazy. And I was like, what can I bring? And she said 20 rolls of paper towels. Aw. And I was like, okay. And I was so heavy. 20 rolls. You think paper towels, but it was one of the big.

28:32No, 20 rolls is not okay to us. Let her know that. Okay. You're like five tops. There's nothing, when I invite friends over, I don't ask for anything more than a three pack of any item. Of any item? Yeah. Okay. You got to, you know, be polite. I mean, I got you 20 plates. I got you 40 plates. Wow, that's different. That comes with you. Give me in. You know what? I want the big plates or the little bitters. Three, three pack. I want three paper plates. Well, they don't sell them in threes. So you guys had a good time. We had a good time. It was fun.

29:36I was asking about this cut on my head. I guess I have to acknowledge it. It's a little embarrassing. I thought we could just move on. We can't. We'll get nervous because last time you had something on your face fucked up, you fell and almost died. Yes. And I blamed the shower curtain. That's right. That was it. That was when you distanced for camping. Now I don't mess with shower curtains anymore. Wow. You know, the correct answer for why don't you have a shower curtain is I'm European. It's like a very like French thing. But I think the Americans will think I want you to pee in my bath. Oh, you're a P.A. Yeah. So anyway, I was going to San Juan, which is in Puerto Rico. I don't know if you knew that. Should I ask you first? But I did check a map. I didn't know. By the way, you know how small Puerto Rico is? It's like this. Yeah. It's like two fingers, fingers are touching. Wow, that's really small. I have the globe here. Oh, good. Oh, that's why you got it. It's like you go down the floor, though. Yeah. That's Cuba. And then to the right. Yeah. Right there.

30:36There's a little bit. So Kyle was going with her son. I get a little mother son time and then I saw tickets are cheap and I said, your plan's done. I'm coming. So I went there. Anyway, as I'm going to the airport, my headphones break and I know I'm going to need headphones for the flight. I wouldn't say duck into. I almost did. I didn't duck into the local bodega and I cracked the top of my head into the corner of a Western Union sign that I think was put up minutes earlier and somehow has graffiti all over it right away. Is it like in the movie, these two guys are moving a piece of glass across the street and that's when your car comes through it? Yes. Yes. So someone was affixing the sign right as you were like, der my head, Fronch. And it just, the corner really cracked me. That looks like you might have been bleeding for a few years. Yeah. How long were you? I was like, movie style. So I just, I feel it, you know, I feel it on my head.

31:38Then I go into the bedigan and I'm talking to the guy about buying headphones. And he's like, for what head, the one that's bleeding? He's interacting normally and then I go, wait a minute, I feel like I should touch it. So I touch like, I'm like, is it bleeding? And then I look in my hand, there's blood. I'm like, hmm, did I just get all the blood? I touch it with the other hand and more blood. There's obviously pouring blood. Is it going into your eyebrow? I could just feel it. I could just feel it dripping. Like, yeah, something like Holly like slowly. Yes. It's feeling warmer. You need to, you need to drink some more water because it, it wasn't hydrated. It's certainly. And then so I'm close enough home. I go home and I look at it and I'm like, why couldn't this guy tell me I got this gash? Because that means you got a gash at his bodega. Yeah. Madden was all of a sudden. And he also thought you knew. I guess. He's like, that's just the look. Put me a paper towel or something too, you know. Yeah. But then when it gets infected, you'll see him. Also now he's engaging in your crazy. No, why don't you get out and deal with that?

32:38You didn't go to the doctor. You just took this, the flight. Well, I had to catch a flight. So you went on the plane. Of course I did. But the massive head wound tickets are non-refundable. I've been in San Juan, which is Puerto Rico, which is by Florida, but more to the right. But it's teeny tiny. It's like two fingers pushed together. Right, but they make room. It's about space. And I go into, I have such problems with travel, such problems where any time, if I'm in an airport or even somewhere like Grand Central, something with a lot of twister interns and arrows, I always end up in a manager's office. Always. I'm not exaggerating that at the airport. I was lost. I opened some door. And I'm behind the ticket counter with customers on the regular side. You start checking people in. I start checking people. I don't know what flight. No, I'd not give your ID, but no exaggeration.

33:39I'm behind the ticket counter. People start asking me questions. I go, I don't know when I turn around and leave. Is this how all white guys get a job? Did you get a paycheck? I could have worked there. Someone paid you. I'm trying to take a bus to the to new work, the New Jersey airport. I climb defense. I'm not exaggerating. No, no, no. I don't know what. No. And it's weird because you're in an alley anyway. When you get this bus, I don't know how it's legal. Because you're a port authority. Port authority. Yeah, yeah, it's the shady. You took the shady bus, but I'm not supposed to be crawling through a window. And here I am. Well, that's port authority, though. That's not, that's not you. I appreciate that. That's just how port authority is. He went to port authority and just followed any homeless man. Yeah, he's going to port a new thing. They all go to Newark. I mean, they all, you know, that's where they were from. It's called Liberty International by the way. They see me, these homeless people see me crawling through things. They leave me alone. They don't. What? It's just your head is bleeding. You see a white man with gushing head wound crawling through fences. You're like, I'm not going to fuck with that guy.

34:40I'm going to pay him to check. Is there anybody listening that can relate to this? Do you find yourself? God. I mean, I don't, you take me out of toward the White House. I'm going to be president in two hours. That is how that happens. I think that's how it happens. Yeah, that's better than the current system. It's something. What do you do? What are you doing? I'm in the office. What are you doing? I don't know. No, Keith. I should check people's security systems. You have me checked, like on the computer. No, just let me walk around a bit. And I'll tell you if I'm in the boss's office in 15 minutes. Now this is confusing a little embarrassing. Emiliating. Yes. But somehow. But somehow. I'm so delighted by it. You have such good self esteem. Why when you get this dopey? How do you keep that up? I'm really hoping people admit they all do this. And that's why I'm saying it such a way. Everybody lies. I've realized that. You're a people-of-the-girl for 15 years. I'm hopeful. This is the thing where a courty-law and it's goes, yeah, I'm always in people's offices, too.

35:42I'm working on it. When did this start? Did this start like when you were? Did you end up in the principal's office when you were a kid? Yes. Maybe you were just a bad kid. I was in that teacher's lounge far too often by accident. I'm making coffee. I'm like, I don't know. I'm trying to find a toilet. I've also known you for asking for help. It's not like you're one of these dudes. I asked for help. No, no, no. They go, they point to nowhere. Binn. And I'm like, yeah, I'm looking for the boss where, obviously, it's a big deal. It's a big airport. A lot of people go there. Where is that boss? Binn, that. I'm like, OK. I was in a restaurant once. Do you remember the time that I'm asking for the bathroom is they go, Binn, I go in there. It's a, it's a, like, you're in the kitchen, you're cooking eggs. I end up in so many kitchen. So anyway, they go, Binn, in this fancy restaurant. And they point to this wall, but like one of those waterfall walls. All of the Thai place? Yes. It was a Thai restaurant. Nice Thai restaurant. And you know that one? Lang. And it, yeah, it was, it was Lang. It was C. And then they have like this little trough

36:44where the water comes down. And it recycles its feet. It's peed in the trough. I peed on the fucking, I asked them three times to go, Binn, I start peeing on the fucking wall. What is wrong with you? But I'm like, this can't be right. All right, look, I'm going to give you a hint. In New York City, the bathroom is always in the back or downstairs. Oh, guess what? That's it. Surprise. No. So then, so there's this pole in front of me. And I'm like, well, this can't be right because I'm on my tiptoes to get over the pole pissing on this fucking wall. And then I get out and I'm like, I guess I found it. You didn't go under you and over. I went over it because you can't get a prop, you can't squat and properly pee. Does that mean you like this with Kyle? She handles this? She points to the direction I assume. I got, we got together because I walked the wrong way. You just now were in a committed relationship. Now, do you, do you get angry during this? Yes. Binn, I'm like, I'll pee where I shouldn't. Tom, damn. No, I don't know where the fucking bus is. So, your problem is not that you have no sense of direct. The problem is that people you ask are in articulate.

37:46Yeah, they're not articulating directions to you. Why wouldn't you happily tap Binn? Because they're gesturing, you know the world. Nobody speaks English, you gesture. If I'm like, where's the bathroom? Is it that door or that door? And one of you goes, Binn, I know it's in that room. I'm trying to find something in a store. You're making me have to pee. I'll sit, Binn. They say, I come back for the fifth fucking time. Walk me. Walk me. I don't see it. It's sex, Binn. It would be easier for all of us. If you stop, Binn. And you just show me, I'll give you money. Give me money, give me money. And I'll take you to every bathroom, every establishment. With no attitude? No, with no attitude. Oh, it's in the back. Four steps back, one step to the right. The door that's marked bathroom. Yeah, it's not that fucking easy. I'm 45, I would know what a door marked bathroom means. It's a tough one. I mean, I've been in fancy restaurants where the bathroom door is concealed. You know, like it's part of the rock face. That's basically what the Thai restaurant wants.

38:47It's C and it's in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. And when you walk in, there's like a DJ playing in a bar. And there's like water. There's like a little fake river in the middle of the whole restaurant. So they're trying to be cute. I ended up DJing in this fucking restaurant for good 30 minutes, so Handa dragged me away. I'm like, thank you. I don't know how I got here. I was enjoying the music. Yeah, he's good. He's good spinning. You better text me next time you get lost. No, but there's no way everybody's having an easy life. I don't get lost. Yeah, we'll see. You know what? And you're not saying they're saying this didn't have anything to do with your massive head wound. It didn't help. So you're lightheaded because you're losing blood. But I got the head wound. It's marked your brain around, but I was saying when I got the head wound. You tried to go to Western Union. I ended up in... So anyway, I get on a plane. And it goes the right way. That's good. Up. It goes up. But does it... Which way is this plane going? No. And I see everybody with those painers masks.

39:50Oh, yeah. And I don't know if it's because of this virus here about in the news, but... No, they're painting. Everybody's painting some. What do you guys paint? Does that really help? I guess, a rate of the hospital doctor's where? I guess. I always like to think that they're saving me from them rather than... It depends. It's cultural. In Asia, you wear it to protect other people. In America, you wear it to protect yourself. Yeah, I... Have you heard that? Either way, it's very uncomfortable because it's like, do you know something that I don't? Yeah. And then I'm just like, yeah, we're all dead. They say that it doesn't help with the transmission, but it helps to remind you to not touch your own face. So like, your hands might have the virus on them, but you're not going to get them into your... This is why I live a disgusting life, because nothing's going to... Right, your immune system is way more efficient. We're good, you know? So they put... I've had to live a grosser life once my leg got busted. I used to ride the train. Literally, I would not touch anything. Walk up the steps without touching the rail, go through the turn style without touching...

40:51Like, no skin on anything. I wouldn't touch anything. Now I have to hold the... I'm so... It's so disgusting, especially when you're in summer clothes on the train in the summer. Oh, yeah. Oh, this skirt gets shorter on the train. You're like, that's my ass on this. And you don't know that there's literally a homeless, super smelly person there right before you. And I ride city bikes. And I get on it in my skirt and I'm like, just don't think about it. Everyone has herpes. Yeah, that's true. It's like 80% of people. Yeah, just whatever. And then like, get where you're going and wash your hands. That's all you can do. Yeah, I've first thing. We're all in this together, you know? I call it subway hands. Yes. I only phrase in this world worse than the phrase self-checkout. They tell me a self-check. I go, I still listen. Because you can't find buses. This is your fault. People are like, they're like, how do I use the self-checkout machine? And they're like, then you just pee on it. But there's nobody like me when I'm in the airport. And they point you to one of those self-doing machines.

41:54I love it. I love it. No, because it never goes right. It never goes right. I go up. It like scans my card. How are you so anxious? It's just like, how are you an anxious person? I'm not an anxious person. Okay, you are. How are you when all these things are working out for you? Why am I the calm one? And I can't. But I neither one of you are. That self-explore. Like whatever you're describing yourselves, you both need a reality check. I'm easily walking. Yeah, you're both very leisurely. So they point to the self-checkout and I go, I'm really not good at these. Oh my god. That's fair. Oh, there's always someone there to help because it always kind of bloops out. I like how all my stories with Carrie, she never understand it gets worse. I know. I know. I know. So I'm bad at checkouts. Oh, god. Oh, god. Well, you're about to have a fucking hard attack when I tell you what happened. So then I get up there. But then of course it doesn't work and then keep pointing to it. And then I just start punching shit. See how calm he is?

42:55Now I'm the pilot. So this paper prints out and I'm like, oh, it's the same one on it. That's good. So then I wait to get on the plane and then they call my name Keith Malley. And I'm like, okay, so I go in the front and I go, I'm probably at the wrong airport. They go, let me see your ticket and I go, here it is. They go, this isn't your ticket. I go, of course not. Why would it be? They throw that away and give me another ticket. I go, okay, done. Where there are two Keith Malley's on. What the fuck knows? So then I got a ticket. Okay. So then I get on the plane. Yeah. Did you pay attention to like any window seat or aisle seat or just go? I did have a, I happened to have an aisle. Okay. So worked out. I get on the plane. We land. I, I, I, you're in the Dominican Republic. I'm in the Dominican Republic. You know that these places are totally different. It's right next to each other now. So right next to each other. No, I did get there. It worked out. Kyle got there a little earlier. I happened to meet her. She's talking to a guy that's explaining.

43:55Dad, he's dead. Right. I don't like it. No one is telling. She's talking to a guy about, guys talking about excursions. But I know that she's so nice. She doesn't know how to say no. It looks like she's just staring and this guy is too friendly. He's like, oh, you guys found each other. You know, I had your girlfriend on the cell phone. Nice to meet you. It gives me a handshake and the handshake is like, I don't, you know, I know he's troubled. He pulls slightly. Yeah. Right. And he pulls me into him. You made it. No one believed. And so I go, oh, sorry. I don't mean that I interrupt. Can I take your number for these excursions? And we'll talk to you later. And he goes, yeah, I'm just explaining the excursions. And so I look at Kyle. Like, all right, Kyle, let's get out of this. You don't want to be here, right? And she's like, so he's explaining it. And I go, okay, go ahead, explain it. I see the eyes glazing over of her. He's explaining these excursions. We don't give a shit. I go to her and I go, what could it be? You're going to kiss another dolphin. Who gives a shit? But I go to her. And I know we're going to have to plan whenever we're doing. I'm just going to give this guy money. We just got here. I look at her.

44:55I go to him, like, oh, sorry, I look at her. I go, what's going on? And she's like, oh, he's explaining. And then I kind of cut it off and we walk away. And I'm like, I'm sorry. Did I do the right thing? And she's like, yeah, I did not want to be there. You don't have to be the bad person. But don't stop me from being the asshole. Yeah. You guys need a signal because we're having to take out. Just let me take over. Yes. I'm the asshole husband. No excursions for this bitch. No, Jake and I have a signal that if I want him to go along with something, there's a code word, which is what? I'm not telling you because then you'll know if he's there and I need him to go along with a lie. But keep the code word. Here's something that you might need to be aware of because I've had trouble with this before because, and I have learned how to be a little less nice, which is nice. But part of being nice, part of saying yes to this guy and letting him go is when you're the bad guy, this person's thing is still to be nice. So if I'm being nice, I'm countering you. You have to be so on top that you have to be beyond.

45:56Yeah, because good cop, bad cop. Well, because it's part of like if she can't say no to this stranger, you're saying no, she is countering it because it is, it's like a fish going one way. And if you're trying to deter that, she's still going in that nice way. But there could be one percent chance that maybe it's part of her package deal and she talks to you know. Yeah. No, not until we leave and then if I'm wrong, we'll come back right now. Right. Right. Where'd you guys end up doing? Not dolphins. So fuck the dolphin, you know. Now, so then we left and you know, we're all sharing a room, me, her and Benny and Benny was debating if we're allowed to sleep in the same bed. He's like, are you guys going to do I have to share a bed with one of you? You guys are boyfriend and girlfriend, so you can have your own bed. Okay. But it's funny, like it's a trick. He, you know, we want that deal. Of course. But he really wants his own bed. He's like, you know what? I decided. I want to eat both. You know what? Permission granted. I'll take me on bed. You both have earned it. I'm on the play. I try not to swear around him, but I'm in the, in the cab and right off the airport,

47:02huge round building. I'll put this picture in show notes. Cock fighting. Paint it on the side of the building. Here's what you came for Americans. And I'm in the car and I go, what the fuck? Well, if you would have stood there, you would know about the excursions. Oh, right. Well, we have cock fighting all ages, right? I couldn't believe it. So did you put your cock in the ring? No, it's actually animals. It's not how you're thinking. That's what Benny thought. He's like, the people fight with their cock. Is that true? Yeah. Oh my God. You were magic. No, no, no. What we do is we take chickens. Right. And they like attach like razors to their claws and she'll make it. Yeah. It makes more sense to, you know, lightsaber with your dick. I feel like if I was Kyle, I'd be so satisfied that my son would respond even instead of being like, oh shit, like in his head. And then he just keeps that forever. Right, right, right, right. Right, right, right. At least he was like, we clarified penises and you're like, oh, you could speak up around this. That's good. So I didn't get a good look on the internet, but I googled quickly and it looks like cock fighting just, let me know guys, it looks like cock fighting just became illegal in December, like

48:05a month ago. They paint it over. But they have some leeway. Right. You know, the seat belt laws change, but then you just kind of give it a warning. Give it a six months buffer to like get another business plan going up. Right, right, right. The final match. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kate's free Johnny. Right, right. No, you got to give him a chicken name. It's got to be like, clock a roux. Clock a roux versus jibble jibbles. You guys would be great at this. So sorry, it's over. For those asking, I did bring my crocs. Now you were, you were debating about this because it turns her off very much. She hates them. You were a crox. But I still have to be a human being. But I'm wondering about this, right? Like let's say there's a thing that turns you off so much, but it comforts this person so much. That's a hard, I don't know. Her kids, she keeps them so anyway. Wow. So you have these crocs that you've had for like 15 years. At least I got them in Israel. They were the only sandals that fit me. And yeah, I really kept them.

49:07And we happened to go to a CVS, like a Dwayne Reed type thing. And they had crocs there. And I didn't realize how old my crocs were until you saw them next to me. I didn't know Robert can get beat up. But I saw a new pair and I'm like, oh, so we met in the middle. I got new crocs. And she was okay with that. It's not the look of it, the bothers her. It's she knew like, okay, this is what this was the compromise. This is the compromise. Yeah, that's pretty good. Mm-hmm. Okay. Clock fighting in Puerto Rico was first officially recognized in 1770. The practice was banned after the US invaded something, something. All right. So we got to the bottom of it. Apparently have a whole wiki. Thanks for coming to my chat talk. Clock fighting. What was your actual question? When did it become illegal? Oh, illegal. Okay. And what? In 1898. In 1898. No way. You got to give people some time to adjust. When did this building wasn't open in 1898? 130 years. 130 years. We figured out how to not cock fight. It's just so you see it in the mirror the past. You know, we're over here. We're taking down Confederate statues.

50:07Why don't we do every animal fighting? You know, how come there's no horse fighting? Is it illegal? I bet there is. I want to put razor blades on like horse hooves. It's all illegal, Carrie, just a heads up. Okay. All right. It is funny that we're trying to figure out times when we can have sex, of course. How would you? Well, he's in the shower. Go, go, go. I mean, he already caught his wants, right? Is he a heavy sleeper? So that, well, she was trying to give him melatonin. Like, go ahead, you like it. I don't know. We were running around all day. I'm going to be tired anyway. Just take it. It's melatonin. I don't want to. Wow. So how'd you guys end up wanky stinky? There was a time that we got Benny outside by the pool. So it's just going to go up and change real quick. And for absolutely no reason at all, you don't come up this time. Okay. You know how mommy doesn't let you alone for any period of time? No, we're on vacation in a different country. Go ahead. But there was a big problem that's making me question things.

51:11We're at the pool. Okay. Me and her. She throws your crocs in the garbage without telling you. You know what? Almost, almost up there. Okay. This waiter comes around with samples of ceviche. Right? That's the good tuna, right? Is that tuna? It's like fish. Fish cooked in a citric acid. It's so good. And it comes with a tostito type thing, a fancy one. Sounds good. Little samples to get you to buy something off the menu. And so I take one. And then I go to take another one for Kyle, but really for me. And she goes, no, no, thank you. Oh, murder. Murder. You heard this. Oh, she's got a scam. First of all, be a human being. Be a man. You know, this was also in my standup that you heard in the album, drip, drip. It was the biggest problem with my marriage. Uh-oh. The samples are for me. You take all of that. First of all, then I go to the waitress like a fucking weirdo. I go, you know what? She'll change her mind, lighty bitch.

52:12And then so I take it. And then I mean them all. If she would have said yes, then I could have went and let's get one for Benny. Now I have more than, it would have been on the menu for 25 bucks. No. So you need a woman to help you scam free food. Yes. It's available. I see. I see. But I go, okay, so now you have to know about me. Yes, the samples. Always. You give it to me. She says, well, if it was something that I liked, then you would have ate it. Then I wouldn't get it because you would like it. To see how calm he stays. Yeah, he's very calm. Very calm. She goes, oh, you know, what, what happened to you like as a kid? Yeah. Were you starved? I was born. Yeah. It's been to me. Did you, what? Like, I'm a human god damn thing. That's what's happening. Someone like gave you a sample, then then took it away. That this is, this is not inconscionable. Someone says, this is, no, don't because I want to take you seriously. You were in my house. You can't tell me this isn't insanity.

53:14I mean, I mean, there's no excuse. There's no excuse. Now I teach that upfront. Zerks, he's knows. You get a second one. Yeah. If he's interested in it and I am not, I get a second one. Of course. Because then you have like more of a meal. Right. Samples are a true test. I mean, it's a Costco thing, but it Costco people swarm like they put out the tray and then people dive on it. Yeah. So I always get one for whoever I'm with and then if I can't find them or they're not around, I like turn around and like eat it myself so they don't see me eating too. Yeah. Because then they'll think I'm a little piggy. It's perfect. I'm like, who are you? Yeah. Did the sample, she had the, did the sample. She had that coronavirus. I wanted to take her to the hospital. Did you guys get a second chance? Yes. Well, came around. And Saviich again the next day. Okay. Did you get Benion on it this time? I said I need 10. Yeah. You're like, I have nine friends upstairs. I want them to enjoy this. I'm going to get a tray. You know what?

54:15I'm going to write. I'm going to finish. And then you end up in the manager's office. I'm going to go pee and then you end up in the kitchen eating Saviich on the ground. Was it delicious? It was so good. Yeah. Saviich is good. It's so good. Yeah. So she took one. The next time. Actually, I just took them. Okay. I'm like, here, and then one for her, of course, totally legal. I did it like that. Wow. So you didn't even give her a chance. No, you're good. You're on probation. You're on probation. You can't be trusted. You can't be trusted right now. And I know every relationship has its struggles. I understand that. That's very hard. But I don't know. I'd rather catch her fucking my dad. There's got to be some urge and she could not. Is she fucking your dad? Who knows? Honestly? The whole world's upside down right now. I don't know. I mean, I assume not. I mean, I fuck. But your dad's not a bad lady. I assume. Don't even put that out there. Because she's going to think this is a joke.

55:23Take the sample. Take the sample. By the way, speaking of animals, straight dogs all over the place. Oh, yeah. All over the place. Like, do they seem rabbit or otherwise... It's hard to cut. Some seem they could easily be domesticated pets that got out of the house. But then some are like, you know, yeah, they descend from a wolf's no kidding. Are they fighting each other? No. They'll be dogs like each other. So they do travel and come back. They do travel and come back. What? That's kind of creepy. It's straight people feed them. Are there like people put out like in storefronts and shit? No, you don't want to be bit by these dogs. No. I hate watching that. Like, I've seen people feed pigeons in New York and I'm like, you need to fucking leave my city.

56:25Yeah. You are disgusting. Pigeons have plenty of garbage and now you're encouraging them right in front of my house and in all you have... And these aren't like pretty birds or anything. These are the rats, the flying rats of New York. And you're feeding them. I told the story before, but I have to get on the show. So my local bodega guy, super duper sweet. And he's so sweet. One day he's standing outside of his bodega. I've never seen him smile this much. He's always like polite and like, you know what, how you doing? Whatever. I'm like, what is happening? He looks like he was coming. He's had his hands out like Christ, you know, on a cross. Wow. And he had all of these pigeons all over him. Do he Disney Princess? Yes. Oh my God. In full glee. How did he do that? I wanted to punch him in the face. I don't know how he did it. It is disgusting. I'm like, all the only thing that could happen now is... At least one of them poops on you. That's best.

57:25And there's always fucking pigeons around his goddamn bodega that we all had to pat. You had to get them on his body. He Disney Princess. I know. It's very magical. Yeah. How many were out there? Like two or like... Like ten. What? Like ten. How did he do... I want to know how he... Maybe he is Jesus. I would stop and ask him, but if I stopped to ask him, I would then murder him for doing that. Why do you have pigeons so much? Why are you encouraging pigeons here? They're just birds. They don't do nothing. Stop it. No. You know they're actually called rock dubs. Okay. People think of them prettier when you call them rock dubs. Did you hear that in the background? Wrong. Isn't me. I turned mine on little moon. The birds. If you pay for a special exhibit in the zoo, you're going to be proud you see pigeon pigeons. Right. You know how they have the butterfly thing at the zoo? They're just surrounded by butterflies and it's so cute. First of all, disgusting. What? Disgusting. I don't want anywhere near that. Wait, did you hate animals? We are flying bugs. Did I not know this about you? We've been camping. Yes.

58:25I didn't know you hate all animals. Did you guys go camping in a butterfly exhibit? I'm totally fine with the bugs in camping. I will pick them up and remove them from my tent even because I'm in their house. But to walk through the fucking butterflies, I can't. I know Andrea that you love. But Andrea knows my neighborhood. And she knows when I mentioned this guy in this bodega, she wrote me there are so many pigeons there. You're so right. It's bananas. It's this fucking dude. It is funny to see a fat pigeon, like a pigeon that can't even like that. Why would you say it's gimme one in New York? Well, I mean, there's everywhere, especially with these motherfuckers. Right, right, right. But then people feed them even more. It's like the seagulls. Do you know that we have homeless people and people are feeding goddamn pigeons? Yeah. And say, what do you have extra bread? No. What? What? Yeah. Yeah. Everywhere you go, there's anti-pigeon shit in New York. You want to know why? We fucking hate them collectively. Okay. You see those spiky things? Yeah. That's how they don't land.

59:25Yeah. Instead they land on him. On him. How many people do you think? It was summertime. It was on his skin. That's how you get zombie virus, right? Yes. From the birth. We know so many people that are sick of dating apps. They say they don't work. Because they do games, are too true, so in a lot. Just say about yourself. Pigeons. No. Sharing things. Yes. Constantly. No butterflies is weird. But write it. You'll find somebody like you. Not to travel. I like to travel and give my lover a ceviche. Oh, look at this. I like to give my lover a ceviche. Yeah. I feed him a ceviche. Okay, great. You're a good person. You're human. You just said I used to bathroom sometimes. By the way, day three at the ocean, I did teach Benny about wave punchers. Oh, good. And we started saving some people. The waves come. I'm not that 45 years old. I don't care. I'll punch the waves. Oh, that's going to be great. Yeah, 12-year-old. I like kicking waves. Yeah, it's a fighting. A fighting stance. Keith, you finally found your best friend.

1:00:26Yeah. We knew. We should have known it should be a 12-year-old. Who is, you know, and kids seem disinterested at everything. You can't tell if they're having fun, but he was sad when I left. I believe it. You're fucking fun. He, uh, thank you. Hear that? Huh? Who's hearing it? Everyone. He's speaking into a microphone. Everyone. Pay attention. Attention, everyone. I am a fine man. I am fine. They were driving. Uh, Nubra was driving them to their port and the Uber driver, you know, starts talking to my girlfriend because she answers back. Somehow, I never have that problem, but okay. And she's always like, they won't shut up. I'm like, just shut up. It just stopped talking. So she's telling the whole trip, you know, the whole story. And it's like, yeah, it's me and my son, and then Benny goes, and Keith was here. Our boyfriend was here. Oh, that's very cute. That's very cute. Uh, the me and the guy. Did she get stuck? Um, because these guys are hard. You know, those people that pretend that you're their friend on the street because they're, uh, face-to-face telemarketers. I know what you mean.

1:01:26So they're guys in New York. Um, they will, they will stand across from each other. There's like a whole bunch of them and they are saving the whales or saving children. Right, right, right. They're full of shit. Right. All of them. But, um, they will catch you. They'll look at you and go, oh my god. Hi, like you know them. Yeah. And so people stop. But now I know, like you can see them from a mile away now. Yes, yes. They're sort of just the same. They're sort of like the same. They're holding a clipboard. They're holding a clipboard. I pass carry bags into the other day. But they will not stop as soon as they have your attention. Like, you have a second and they're so friendly. But now I learned as soon as they're like, uh, I'm like, um, um, um, um, um, um, close my eyes. I'm like, I'm not even looking at you to reject you. But they get a lot of people stuck. It's Kyle getting stuck in those things. You know what? I, she has to, because she doesn't know how to say no. And it's my job in the relationship to do that. She has to quit talking in Spanish. A $2 cab ride was $20 because she worked in Spanish. And I don't know what's going on. What do you mean? How much? How much? Wouldn't it be cheaper? I don't, I'm not sure what you mean. But she, no, just, you know, it takes longer.

1:02:28You mean, there's, there's a, there's a saying, you know, hey, I'm, I'll drive you here at $17. I know that would be too much, but she's talking in Spanish. So we, we can't all work together. Uh, so you're saying to let you in on it because you're not understanding so you could interrupt and go that to you. I can be rude and she's too nice. Right. She's not even giving you the opportunity. So you need to learn Spanish so you can be rude in Spanish. Yes. Yes. By the way, speaking of rude, this music they have there, you've heard mom a number five. I've heard number six through 17,000. Oh, my God. They love that. They love this song. That's awful. They're all the same song. Every building, everywhere. The CBS. Did you dance? An actual little club. Did you dance like you want to? I moved. Did you go to a club? Did you clubbing? Yeah, but I was just trying to go to the casino. I don't know where I was. You went it up in the manager's office at the club. You tried to go to the bathroom. You got a job there. You peed in a fountain. What shoes did you wear for a club? Yeah, did you wear Crocs to a club? Yeah, you were creative. It's vacation. Oh, my God.

1:03:28New Crocs. New Crocs. Oh, sorry. The fancy ones. Yeah. You should put little bow ties on them. We should call this episode New Crocs. New Crocs who is. Put bow ties on them. Get a little bling. Yeah. Stop. Can you be dazzled them? Yeah. Don't make it worse. Put some... Oh, yeah. Let me put like that. It'd be dazzler on the holes of the Crocs. Yes. They used to sell those little croc pins that you could put into the holes. Remember those? That's cute. You should get a bunch of those. I'll fancy them up. Just put like... Sorry, Kyle. All kinds of Kyle pins on them. She can't say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I took pictures of our different buffet plates. When I went to the buffet and she went to the buffet. Oh, smart. But she's not here to defend herself. So I don't know if I'm allowed to talk about it. I'm going to show you plates. You tell me who you think is who. Oh, good. I like this game. Is this my first trip to the buffet? Uh-huh. Or Kyle's first trip to the buffet. This is picture number one. Okay. This is picture number two. Okay, the first one's yours. Probably, right? Yeah. The second picture has bacon

1:04:29and a fourth of a French toast. Right. The first picture. That's one person's food. You're holding it. Has locks, bagels, cream cheese, fruit, omelette with everything in it, sausage, a panos. No, key is the best at buffet in situations like this because most people get embarrassed and I commend you. 30 dollars. I'm not going to be embarrassed. No. Yeah, that's right. I always try to get my money's worth at a buffet and it's a losing game. Anything over $22 you can't embarrass me. So, $22.201? It's $22.201? Mm-hmm. You're not embarrassing me. But here's this. Okay, so we went on a cruise. We did like a Keith and the Girl thing there. A bunch of listeners came and everything. And in the cruise dinner, like, first of all, obviously all the food is just part of it. Yes, it flows. Yeah, but there's one meal where you even get dressed up and you sit down and it's like, wait, there's coming and you get to pick one of maybe five meals or something like that and they're very, very thought out, very good. And Keith thought there's like three of them. Yeah. I'm like, I don't, everyone looks around. He's like, it's part of it.

1:05:29You will not embarrass me. And then of course, when it comes, we're all like, oh my god, we can have a little of varied. It's God's scent. Right, right, right. I mean, it's like the bad, I've known Keith over 15 years. Yeah. The best thing about him. They don't, they don't bat an eye though on a cruise ship. They're trained. If you're like, I want to step in lobster. Yeah. Like, yes, sir, right away. Like they don't bat an eye. No one, he reminds me. But like the people on, who were sitting with you were like, oh my god, he's sort of seven lobster. Right, it doesn't matter. He reminds me that nobody gives a fuck about you. Yeah, right. That waiter is not going home and going this fucking guy with the biggest head on the earth. Yeah. Just the side. Right. Very, just the side. Just the side. Yeah, I think that they go in the back and go, we got one genius at fucking table 10. Yeah. They say, thank you. They go very good, sir. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Right, right. Two S. Cargos? Thank you. No, I want to, I want to, they have to do their fucking stupid ass dance break. I like when you can't decide on a dessert. You can like eat a light dinner and then have four of the desserts.

1:06:29Yes. And you can have the same one every night or you could alternate it. Do not be embarrassed. And then it's not like they're taking one of the waiter's staff food like, oh, if people don't order it, no, they throw it all out. It's all going in the ocean. Yeah, last cruise I was on. Last cruise I was on. They cut the fish. They smash it down and it feeds the fish. Thank God there's plastic in the ocean. Something to hold the food. Nice. It's good thinking. At the end of the whole thing. The fish needs little cups. They pull the lever. All that food goes in the ocean. Yeah, it's true. It's true. They recycle it into the ocean. I figured out on my last cruise where to get the free cookies. And then I didn't go on excruciate. I had that around eating cookies all day. I don't know where I went. I don't know where it docked. Smartest thing I ever heard of the plan. Cookie land. Cookie land. So I get nervous that she thinks I'm cheap. Between the buffet story and the ceviche. And I get that. I get it because it seems. Yeah, but you petty. But you bought new crocs. No one remembers that. And a flight down there. 15 years later I bought new crocs. But yeah, it does. It doesn't make me nervous, but at the same time I'm like, you know what?

1:07:30Are you worried? Why are you worried that she might think you're cheap? What would that mean to you? That could be misrepresentation. Misrepresentation. And nobody wants to date somebody who's cheap. And so. Yeah, it seems not giving. And it seems not giving. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like she knows I'll give her, but it seems stingy to them. Somehow I'm not giving to other people. And this is the romance time. Right. We've been together a year and six months. But to me, I'm like, you got to see the real me now. You know what you should do is just give her cash whenever you see her. I give her the extra cash that I would have gave in. Like if a buffet is $20, you give her the $2 so you can have like an animal. Right. Right. You know, I get it from her point of view, but like just as a person who knows you, like for too long, you're kind of spending actually. Yeah, you're just like, but when you spend it, you want to take it all. So like, yes, you'll spend $30 on a buffet, which is actually ridiculous.

1:08:31I wouldn't have thought. No, but when you went, but when you went, I'm with Keith on one, she spent the money and you're there. You're locked in. These are the choices you have. And like you want to eat what feels like $30 worth of food. For sure. And on buffets, they classically serve like low grade everything. So you're like, oh, you know, I got to eat 50 pounds of pasta instead of 30 because they're using the cheap shit. No, I know we are doing three trips. My first trip is the sample. Yes, yes. So I just get a little bit of everything literally. And then I go, oh, these are my top choices. I go for a second time and I get just the top choices. Then the third round is always a mistake, but I do it anyway. I just go too much food. Yeah. Right. I love it. It's a weird thing to have to explain to a loved one. Like, no, baby, I promise there's not an account in this world that would say I'm good with money. I promise. I promise, baby. Don't you worry. Okay. You could pay an account and just say anything. If you're spending, he's spending. No, the last time I went to a buffet, it was my boyfriend got just a plate of meat.

1:09:36And I did the sampler. I did like a tiny spoonful of like nine things. I love it. And his came back with like just a chunk of meat. This is why, like, pretty much one of my favorite restaurants is that Brazilian place. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm forgetting the name. But, um, so Trasca, Ria, Plata Forma, Zerxes and I are putting together a map of the city of all our favorite places. So those who are coming for our shows in April, we're going to share that with you guys. Best pizza, best like real restaurant, best like side restaurant, whatever. And this is the best because a lot of times, like you said, it's low grade buffet things. This is like high end buffet, anything that you've ever wanted to eat. And then meat comes around forever. Right. Right. We took three smoke breaks when we were in there. And then you just got to like make room and keep on filling up on carbs. You want your money's worth of meat, but they try to give you like bread and shit. You're like, I get bread anywhere. Exactly. You meet me. I'm not a pigeon. Not a pigeon. What am I a pigeon? A pigeon? No, I was. The season-affected pigeons.

1:10:36Why? I mean, I don't like these. I'm neutral on pigeons, I guess. And rats are very smart, but they're still full of disgustingness. Also, I don't think you know what neutral means. It's not passion for neutral. I would, I make so many trips to the buffet. I come back, they're always cleaning the table. I thought you were done now. Nope. Nope. $30 buffet. Give me back my bib. Carrie, you can find online. Carrie Gravinson. What's the best way to play it? Carrie. I would go to my Twitter. I'm on the Twittas at Carrie Gravinson. It's pretty intuitive. It's at, and then my name. The iTunes album, Cry Through It. Yeah. It's still up there. I definitely use those tissues. Have you? Yes. I brought more pens for you all today too. Oh, good. I'm going to give you your new space. Thank you. Yeah. I need it. You know, I'll give you money for it because I'm not cheap. That's right. For you, money pens. I don't know why you're pennies. I tip in 20s at free sample. It is weird the little things where you're like, okay, this is about to test my relationship to see if like you're still cool with me. We make steak and then we add, you know, butter just to kind of pick up the sauce and it's

1:11:40like the steak and butter now, right? There's a little bit of butter left at the end. I will pick up the plate and just drink it. Yeah. And I go, okay, don't judge me. He goes, why do you keep waiting for me to judge you? And I'm like, because this is disgusting. This is disgusting. This would turn me off. Yeah. But it wouldn't. That's the thing. But I would fully understand if you're, or last time I go, we had dinner already. A couple of hours later, I'm like, would you judge me if I ate like a piece of cheese right now? And he's like, why is it going on? I do that too. I do the same thing. What is happening? And I'm like, oh, I'm judging me. Yeah. He didn't mind if I was like, I'm in a nitty pot, but I want you to be like in a different burrow for sure. And he was like, I don't care. And I'm like, really? Like, yeah, you'll be in the apartment while I'm nitty potting? Yes. But that's like the most private thing. Like, disgusting. I don't want to be in there. He didn't care. He did not care. That's the thing. So I asked Zerksy these things like, oh, are you going to be a girl set of this? And his answer now, just to shut me the fuck up, he's like, I will lead to asshole right now. All these goddamn people while you drink that fucking butter.

1:12:43So that's how comfort and we don't do any ass things. No but play. Not at all. It's a metaphor. Yeah. And he just wanted to. He's like, I will do that right. And he's like, strip. I'm going to eat your asshole. I, during the buffet, while she's keeping her eye on the table, I, I put food in a plastic cup, like fruit and nice cheese. Take it to my room, come back, sit down, I go, are we still together? Nice. And then I get another plate. I love that. And what did you wait for her to answer? She fucked the waiter. But you couldn't find where the bathroom was so you didn't see that. Right, right. And the waiter wasn't wearing crocs. But three hours later, who had strawberries? And the fancy cheese. Right, strawberries and buri. Yeah. Carrie, thank you always a pleasure. Always fun. Thank you for having me. We'll talk to you soon. Thanks. Keep an eye on the girl, love, John. I got a guy in bed and you know what's even worse? Visiting him. Like now we're supposed to visit fucking castles. You ever see a fucking castle? Holy shit, nothing's in it.

1:13:46No central air. So what is this shit? Here's another room. Ah, it's different because it's smaller than the big room with nothing. Oh, so fuck. Ethan's going to have a travel channel on YouTube and it's going to be called Don't Bother. And he goes to the kids. Right. I go to the kids of triangle. It's a triangle. Who cares? Yeah. He's going to be like another trap door. You come to the sea. It's only two feet deep. Oh, here's our pizza. It's like it's going to fall. Here's how we would punish thieves with. Well, here's how we would punish people like the other place. Fascinate. We put a we put a pear-shaped thing up a guy's ass on an expanded. Oh, you invented that. I saw that many of the times. Who gets out of the box? I was telling Cersei that I think he might like, you know, us visiting Israel. And he starts.

1:14:47He starts. Yeah. Of course. And then I'm like, what? Shwarman. And he goes, and what happens day two? Yeah. Just Shwarman. Oh, so. Okay. I love it. Can we go home now? I got Shwarman. We're going home now. I got Shwarman. I think that's the best thing. I think it's the show is an hour long. He can visit 20 places. Yeah. It's a brass. Like, let me guess. Brown, brown. The background. Brown, brown, brown. I'm going to get here. Fuck this place. I'll fly over Greece and go white. Keep going. Keep going. Nothing to see here. We get it. Nothing to see. We get it. There's no color here. Let's keep it pushing. Let's keep it pushing. I love it. Okay. Keep going. Nice. That makes me feel good. I have friends back in the day who were bragging about me can also. Me can also so beautiful. Yeah. And I never got a chance. It's really expensive to go to me can also. It's like, you know, I'm like, what's there? You know, everyone said this. Don't bother. Don't bother. You're fine. What's there? I'll Google it. What's there?

1:15:48I'll go up and edit. Go live next to Snoop Dogg. Yeah. Check it out. And my brother, that's what we're talking about. So I'm saying, good luck. A lot of money in time. Google maps will take you straight there. Okay. 10 best things to do in me can also. Oh, look, a beach. You're kidding me. Fuck it. You're kidding me. You're the number one thing to travel all that way. You're the number one thing to travel all that way. You're the number one thing to travel all that way. How extreme is to go to a beach? Kalian. You're kidding me. LA. Boring. Hawaii. Next. knew it would trust us, but you're telling me they got a beach in Greece That's... Thank you. 是這樣. Thank you. Appreciate this. Thank you. Number two, check out whitewash, tavern, tolds, and winmmills and the island's capital. Guess what I'm looking at. Another fucking beach. Do you get out of the beach? Or do you get out of the beach. It's like a fisherman's beach. So now we're these are all the things. Okay, that's good. Oh, number three you went to a whole other country Live it in New York. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no great people on my landlord. So you're curious. What's the number three thing to do?

1:16:55windmills Fuck my nails We're gonna go see windmills today. It's one of the oldest structures on me canose Here's four in a row. Oh, fascinating. You know how your blades have three usually These women's have seven blades. Oh, fascinating shit. Oh a churchy can visit guess right? It's all white looks like everything else Okay, but it's here's a bow on it. There's a bow on it is here. Oh, maybe I can ring the bell probably not that would confuse everybody Number five another beach number six little Venice picture of beach a lighthouse Oh Tell me there's a white building that has a lighthouse on it variety shit variety. This is insane What's gonna win this rent for a cat? Oh My god at number 10 is fetishies. Okay, fantastic. Okay, she's got it. No fairness. That's that's a good one

1:17:57Oh, how would you know? Did you have it? Scott the best Fett of cheese I've never had I got I'd try that never had it straight from the cat. Now I gotta go to meckin nose right now That's the thing that caught me was cheese. I was almost out with the fucking cheese man And I really want She said, Sunday, I can't catch, Hold her, can't catch, hold her And I was caught in a wave And I thought nothing would change

1:19:03And right there Baby, baby you have found me Hangin' on for daylight For dear love For the right length Baby, baby you have found me Caught inside a brief time Oh, now you've made it in a life Down in on my own eye Can't let go out Can't let go And I really wanna fight Crying on me inside Oh, I can't let go I I was caught in a wave And I thought nothing would change

1:20:06Nothing would change Right there Baby, baby you have found me Hangin' on for daylight For dear life Right there Baby, baby you have found me Caught inside a brief time Pulling me out, pulling me out Pulling me out And I said, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana To the dear love Oh, baby I was down here So just to keep holding on And holding on and going Oh, baby I didn't try to hear So just to keep holding on

1:21:07And holding on and going Oh I got a really wanna live Bear in something I can't let go of Baby, baby you have found me Hangin' on for daylight For dear life Right there Baby, baby you have found me Caught inside a brief time Pulling me out, to the next goal And I said, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Mama, Ella,แล, Lonna, recollect the titles

1:22:17La La, La La La La La La La La La La La La La La la Would you like to see me? Oh, baby, maybe you can tell me Would you like to see me? Oh, baby, shot in the shadow I'll just call you practical ��나나나나나나나나나나나나나나나나나나나나나나나나나나나나나나나나나나나 Oh baby, baby you had found me

1:23:27Oh baby, caught inside a real time What do you like?