34. When Someone in Your Family Won’t Change...

0:00At Become New, get 10 minutes of spiritual formation every weekday with John Orberg. There is now no condemnation. We are given up condemnation for the season one day after another. But you're thinking, there's somebody in my family who's a troubled person. And they got to change. How do I do that without leveraging the power of condemnation? Well, there are three elements that are indispensable in the change process for any person. They come by a way of Henry Cloud, who's a writer, Christian psychologist, with an assisted delus willard. I actually want to get into this, though, by reading from somebody who's a part of the Become New Fellowship of the Withered Hand, I'm going to disguise the name so nobody will know.

1:00But this is a hot topic for folks around condemnation. This involves Uncle Billy, you know Uncle Billy. Uncle Billy and my family often post condemning words, toxic thoughts, sarcastic memes, mean spirited character assassinating politically related material online all the time. I get it, it's easy to do, but they are hateful and unceasing. It seems like this behavior violates Jesus command to not condemn. Am I off here? No, you're not off here. I'd rather tell Uncle Billy, it changes tone, but then I feel like I'm condemning him. It's become very divisive to our family. Does no condemnation include political leaders? Uncle Billy says, if it was okay for Jesus to get furious in the temple, it's okay for him. Signed little Ricky. Well, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy. Uh, no, I could trust Jesus to handle anger and lots of things that I would not trust

2:02me with. Jesus died in a cross for the sins of the world. I'm not going to do that one either. But I want to talk particularly in this episode to you, little Ricky and all the little Ricky's out there and Uncle Billy, if you're listening, this is for you too. So three elements that are fundamental, I'm going to actually start by reading, this is Dallas Willard's translation of Galatians, chapter six, verse one, brothers and sisters. If someone really is caught in a sin, the spiritual ones among you are the ones to restore him. Do it in a lowly, non-presentuous spirit, considering yourselves, lest you too be put to the test. Feel the weight others are feeling and thus you will fulfill Christ's teaching. Now you might think when Paul says the spiritual ones are the ones ought to do work, I'm off the hook. No, no, no, no, no, in a family, uh, we're all inevitably involved in this kind of stuff.

3:07So you might not be a professional corrector. There was a character on Saturday night live years ago called the church lady. It isn't that special and she was kind of a professional corrector. I'm a little lorry about those folks anyhow. But here's the thing, if you have an Uncle Billion, your family and everybody's got an Uncle Billion, their family, well, I want you to start as to lean in. This is an opportunity to grow. You're not going to get a perfect, that's okay. It's a real, it's a test of the reality of my faith. So I begin by embracing it and asking for God's help. Here is the first element that's needed is actually grace. So as strange as it may seem, Uncle Billy has a story, everybody has a story and even Uncle Billy needs acceptance and empathy and no condemnation. So several elements to this grace piece that Dallas writes about and the place to begin is to pray.

4:10I need to rely on the Spirit of God grace now is not just acceptance, it's not just forgiveness. God's power working in me to do what I cannot do, I can't. God can. So I need to start by asking this up, just start low rookie by praying. God would you give me wisdom. And then Dallas notes that this correcting here is not a matter of straightening them out or hammering on their wrongness and what's going to happen to them if they don't change. He actually writes here that the goal is restoration. This is really important. A lot of people get caught up in these kind of conflicts and they never stop to ask what's my goal here. And in this situation, is it the change Uncle Billy's mind about politics or is it about our relationship together or is it to protect the family dynamics? So think about what's the goal that God would have you to have? And of course, for love that always includes willing the good for Uncle Billy as God wills the good for Uncle Billy.

5:12And then Paul goes on to say, those who are restoring others must go about their work with the sure knowledge they could very well do the same thing that the person caught has done or even worse. This totally removes any sense of self righteousness or superiority. So a deep part of grace is having empathy with Uncle Billy and having humility and recognizing that could be me. So I need to have grace because every family has an Uncle Billy in it. Every person has an Uncle Billy in them. You come back here. You little Ricky are somebody's Uncle Billy and so am I and that's just the truth about life. So grace is needed. But then secondly, truth is needed. And very likely one of the good questions to ask yourself is, well, I tend to err on the side of grace being permissive and accepting and doing that too much so I don't speak truth.

6:14I'm not clear and direct about the problem. Or do I tend on the side of truth, tend to err on the side of truth. So a little bit now on how do I bring truth into my relationship with Uncle Billy? To begin, as you think about having the conversations come back to the plural with Uncle Billy um, begin with what's sometimes called the soft start with the note of warmth or grace very interesting. This is from Peter Coleman's book The Way Out. Our research has shown the emotional experiences and tone of disputance that arise in the first few minutes of discussions over divisive social political issues set the course for the emotional climate of the remainder of the session. And it turns out that John Gottman in his research on marital conflict and Barbara Frederickson who's at the UNC Chapel Hill lab of positive psychology, they all find the same thing conversations

7:18tend to end in the emotional tone with which they begin. So when I think about telling the truth to Uncle Billy, I may want to start by affirming our relationship. Part of why I'm talking about this with Uncle Billy is our relationship means a lot. Our family means a lot. And uh, and then if you fail awkward, just acknowledge that. I'll often do this. Nancy and I will do this with each other. I feel vulnerable saying this, I'm not at all sure I'll be able to say it right because the more vulnerable or awkward or emotional I feel, the less articulate I get. So let me say it. And then if I get it wrong, let me come back and correct it. But then name the problem clearly. And it might go something like this when I see your Facebook posts about whatever that topic is about. Not when you spew that toxic garbage online, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, okay. Owning my own feelings is a good way to name the truth. When I see that, I feel like I want a distance from you or I feel concerned about what's

8:23going to happen to our family, what this will do to our family. The feeling word is a little psychologist getting into that a whole lot just because you use the word feel. It doesn't mean that I'm really owning my side of the street. Uncle Billy, I feel you're an idiot, okay. I didn't count even though you got the word feel in there. Very possibly it will be helpful to practice. When we talked about forgiveness and looked at Ab Worthington's material there, the exercise with the empty chair, well, actually I'm talking to another person and I have done this and it has been a real deep thing where I'll say something that I want to say or need to say and it's quite deep. And then I'll think ahead of time, what do I think the other person would say to empathize with Uncle Billy is key. It doesn't mean that I won't speak truth. I recognize not that Uncle Billy is doing the best he can. None of us are. But what Uncle Billy is doing seems right to Uncle Billy. So I want to try to understand how does it seem to Uncle Billy?

9:24That does not compromise my convictions or my commitment to the truth. But there actually is a chance I might have something to learn from Uncle Billy. So I'll practice while I'm doing this, I want to monitor my body. If my blood pressure starts to go up, if my heart starts to pound, remember the 90 second rule, when there's deep emotion going through my body, if I just wait and don't keep upsetting myself over it, don't ruminate over it, it will wash out. So I remember that if things get hot irritation rarely leads to better judgment. So that's truth, but then there's one more element. You're not going to like this one. I'm just telling you right now number three, you're not going to like change requires grace plus truth, gospel of John chapter one verse 14, Jesus was full of grace and truth. And then God gives us another gift. And that's time. I cannot tell you how often this is the one that I don't like.

10:27I feel like if I garter up enough energy and encourage to have a conversation, I want to do it once and be done with it. I'm a teacher. I tell you that should settle it. It almost never works that way. If there is no grace, person feels condemned. If there is no truth that often enables or allows denial to continue on. If there's no time, people feel pressured. God gives us the gift of time. God himself is patient. And so part of what that means now is I don't expect one conversation to solve this whole thing. So I'm going to have to ask God for the gift of resilience, not passivity, but keep going. I'm going to have to listen. Everybody has a story. Uncle Billy has a story. Love is curious. Love wants to know. And then also on this, if I have a request of Uncle Billy and Little Ricky, you probably

11:28will get real clear. What is that request? Again, often people get real fuzzy there. And maybe it's when our family gathers, I'd like to ask that we not talk about politics and you not raise issue of politics. Or that we do that just for a certain period of time. Or if you know Uncle Billy well enough, and you'd like to help challenge Uncle Billy to change in ways that you think would be good for Uncle Billy's character and soul. And again, there's a sufficient relationship to do that. I'd like to talk together with you about the post that you're doing. And part of that means I want to listen to you. And I want to know, there's stuff that obviously matters to you real deeply. I can listen to someone without agreeing with what they say and without jumping down their throws. But man is that getting lost in our day. So the power of curiosity and listening as it relates to time. And then setting boundaries, there may be times when I have to say if politics is going

12:30to be brought up with our family, I will leave at that point or I'll change the subject at that point. There always have to be consequences when they're boundaries. And then don't own outcomes. I'm not going to be able to control Uncle Billy. And actually it's a real good thing, little Ricky, that you can't control Uncle Billy. Even Jesus, when he's with Peter and Peter's going to deny him and get all messed up, Jesus doesn't try to control him or even lecture him in that moment. I pray for you. So pray for Uncle Billy. And the more painful that situation is, just pray more. There are situations in my life where I just got to pray or ask other people to pray for me when I feel like I don't know how to pray. Don't give up. Don't give up. I don't carry the outcomes. But to seek to have a heart that is not toxic and that has love and is ready is ready is ready. So little Ricky, that's your work.

13:32You have work to do and here's what's needed, grace, plus truth, plus time. So get after it because there is now no condemnation. Hey, thanks for joining us here at Become New. My name's Tim and I'm a part of the team. We distribute 10 minute teachings just like this one from John or Berg every weekday to help you grow spiritually in Christ one day at a time. And we have a bunch of resources that go along with these teachings. We've got an email that we write and distribute to anyone who wants it completely for free every day. We also have a text message reminder that we send out also completely for free. If you just want the link to the video every day, text to you. We provide that or if you want to go back through old teaching with John, with your small

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