3 Questions to Make Your Marriage Better

0:00Help show kids the importance of marriage, family, and faith in Christ. Support focus on the family as we launch the animated film Adventures in Odyssey journey into the impossible. Over 9,000 children each year make decisions for Christ after listening to Adventures in Odyssey, and you can help by donating to the film's launch. There's a dollar for dollar match until May 1st, so your gift will be doubled when you give today. Simply go to focus on the family dot com slash impossible. When we struggle in marriage, the natural instinct is to blame the other person, but what if you ask yourself a few questions? Thanks for joining us today. I'm John Fuller, and we've got Greg and Erin Smalley in the studio, and you two, I just love being around you. You're life giving, and because you're real, and you do bring some smiles, how has marriage helped you, and I don't know which one of you wants to answer this, but how has marriage

1:02helped you to look in the mirror and kind of be at peace with yourself? Because there are times when I get triggered, and I want to blame her, but then I realize, oh yeah, she's got to live with me. Yeah, I know for me, thinking back to a season when we lived in Branson, Missouri, this is probably 20 years ago kind of thing, and I was going through a really hard time with my family. We were all working together in one big kind of family ministry, and there were some challenges, and I ended up super depressed, and to the point to where it really caused me to when I would come home from work, I didn't want to talk to Erin, the kids, I didn't want to be around anyone, I just wanted to be by myself, I mean, I was isolating, and just to find it, just, you know, I just need some downtime, and so there was, you know, like a little basement or something I'd go into and just lay on a couch and put on some stupid show,

2:06just to veg out, and the isolation became really challenging for our marriage, and it was easy for me to blame, oh, that's my family's fault, you know, it's Erin's fault, she's demanding too much, why can't she just see that I just need some downtime, and it really was until I was able to go, okay, wait, I am very depressed, like, you know, I was a, you know, therapist, like I could talk to anybody about depression, I don't think I'd really ever faced it at that level, to where it was, it was keeping me from doing the things I would typically do, especially, relationally, and as a husband, as a father, and so that, that's where it had to begin, is going, okay, I need to deal with that, to then figure out, okay, what do I need to do, within our marriage, to kind of repair, you know, figure this out together. Yeah, and if you're struggling like Greg is talking about, then give us a call, because

3:09we have caring Christian counselors, and they will listen to you, they'll pray with you, they'll point you in the right direction to find some healing, because that's pretty serious stuff, that's kind of debilitating in the relationship, so give us a call, 800, the letter A in the word family, or click the link in the show notes to get connected. All right, let's continue this theme of introspection, and then have three questions. Dr. Gary Chapman spoke with Focus on the Family President, Jim Daley, and here's that conversation now. I wanted to ask you about that, because you kind of came to that conclusion, but I wanted to know the timeline. You and Carolyn were in this season of disagreement and fighting, and you kind of are coming to your, your wits end about, did I marry the wrong person? She may have been thinking the same thing. But then you had this turn where you were prompted, you said in the book, to start studying the teachings of Jesus for your marriage, and I don't, I don't think I've ever had that

4:11kind of specific thing. Look at the words of Jesus for your marriage. So how did that happen for you, Gary, and well, how is it so profound? Well, I was pretty desperate and disstruggling with this whole thing, and I said to God, there's no way I can ever stand in front of people and preach if I'm this miserable in my marriage. I mean, I just couldn't conceive of doing that. And I said to God, I don't know what else to do. I've done everything I know to do. It's not working. She won't listen to me, you know, you know, I'm still blaming her. And I just said to God, I'm asking you, I'm asking you to help me. I don't know what to do. As soon as I said that, it came to my mind, a visual image of Jesus on his knees, washing the feet of his disciples. And I heard God say to me, that's the problem in your marriage. You do not have the attitude of Christ toward your way.

5:13It hit me like a ton of bricks, because I remember what Jesus said. After he did that, which was a servant's job in his name, he washed their feet, and then he stood up and said, you call me teacher and Lord, and you are right. But in my kingdom, the leader serves. Now I'm telling you, you go do what I've just done for you. You go serve other people, you know, and I realized, you know, that was not my attitude. My attitude was, you know, if you're listening to me, we can have a good marriage, you know. And I wept. I just booked on a wept. And I said, God, forgive me. And then I asked God, please give me the attitude of Christ toward my way. In retrospect, it's the greatest prayer I've ever prayed about my marriage, because God changed my heart and gave me that concept to serve her. And three questions made it practical once my heart was changed.

6:13When I was willing to ask these three questions, my marriage began to change, simple questions. Number one, only what could I do to help you? Number two, how could I make your life easier? Question number three, how could that be a better husband? When I was willing to ask those questions, she was willing to give me answers. Yeah. And I started responding. Now I knew nothing about love languages in those days, looking back on it. Her request was telling me her love language acts of service, you know. And I started doing these things, and it didn't turn around overnight. And probably within three months, my wife started asking me those three questions. What can I do to help you? How can I make your life easier? How can I be a better wife? So we've been walking this road a long time, in which I've been reaching out to serve her and she's been reaching out to serve me. And I really believe this is God's intention. God never ordained marriage to make people miserable.

7:16He made us to serve each other. And if we have the Attitude of Christ, who set up himself, the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and later give his life a ransom for others. So if we get that right and we have that attitude, serving each other, we'll tell each other what they can do, you know. And we're doing what God intended, marriage to be a loving, supportive, caring relationship in which two are better than one. And that's what God said in the beginning, not good for Adam to be alone. I'm going to give him a helper. And when you get helping each other, you're on a good road. What a great conversation with Dr. Gary Chapman and Aaron, I'm wondering how you've seen when couples adopt that kind of an attitude of looking inside and asking questions, it can turn things around, can't it? As we begin to influence our marriage in a positive way, instead of looking at how

8:18can I get Greg to serve me in a specific way, how can I show up and be the best version of me or be the best wife that I can be? And part of that is often looking for those opportunities to lean in and serve. And it influences the overall environment within the relationship. It infuses positivity and connection, and it sends a message that I care about you. And I'm willing to serve you or sacrifice in a way that speaks love to you. And I think not only the act of kindness influences the environment, it's the message that is sent. And sometimes you even do get reciprocity, not always, but you don't do it to get something in return, but sometimes you do. And that's just a bonus. That's good. I think you just put your finger on something that a lot of couples figure out. Unfortunately, they realize, oh, this is a tit for tab. This is a, I gave you, and so now you get to give me.

9:20Score cardkeeping doesn't really work. No. No. So you're talking about showing up with the right motive. As Gary was talking about in that clip. Yes. That's good. And I have to brag on Aaron, because she did this last night. Oh. I did. And you sacrificed maybe something that you would have preferred to buy to instead surprise kind of the, the, the four smallies who are still left at home, the Aaron and I and our two of our kids with NBA tickets. Oh. And that's not her thing, but she surprised us, took us to the game and we had a, we had a wonderful time. So, you know, that was a sacrifice because that was not just time. But money, resources that, you know, so in a free night that could have been spent at home, instead of going to jam in with thousands of children, so I mean that, that should, that's how it came back to blessed. So that's a reflection of what could I do to make your life easier or better, you know,

10:23more fun. Not every wife can do that, but maybe some should. Yes. And I did something else that I just thought of when we are going to something like that and I know typically it would be Greg and Gerson or son going, I will often sit in the back seat so Gerson can sit up with Greg. They sit up in the front seat and they chat about the game and who's been performing well and who's going to have a triple double and all these things. So I sat in the back and sacrificed and let you and Gerson have that time together. And the fact that she could work triple double into just a normal conversation is so attractive to me. Maybe we should go ahead and shut this up. All right. We're going to wrap up. There is so much that you can learn when you go to the focus on the family website about serving and about these questions that Gary asked. I'll point you to, in fact, the book that Dr. Gary Chapman wrote called a simple guide for a better marriage, quick, practical insights, every couple needs to thrive.

11:24We've got that in stock here. We invite you to donate to the ministry today, make a one time gift or a monthly pledge of any amount to support this show and this ministry and we'll say thanks in advance. And then we have our free online marriage assessment over a million people have taken it. Join them and invest maybe 10 or 15 minutes of your time. You're going to get so much good feedback from this assessment. And these are great talking points for you as a couple. We've got the link for that online assessment in our show notes. Next time Rob and Gina Flood will share how to work through a misunderstanding in your communication. For now, I'm John Fuller and on behalf of the smallies and the team, thanks for joining us for the focus on the family strengthening marriage podcast. Live your truth. A lot of people say that, don't they? But truth isn't something we decide. God has decided it for us.

12:26And it's our job as believers to share his truth with a world in need. I'll encourage you to do that through my podcast, Refocus with Jim Daily. I visit with fascinating guests about important topics like gender confusion, cancel culture and more while helping you share God's love with others. Listen at Refocus with JimDaily.com.