285: Tend and Befriend

0:00Hey friend, welcome to the Paz on Purpose Podcast, the place where we cozy up for intentional conversations about the same poise and positive through all of life's plot twists. Wear your hopes, steamy and jewels, twins, former fitness pros, turned people up, leaders, and lifelong strivers who never pass up a strong cup of coffee or dose of development. If you're a woman who's ready to grow and evolve a contention, you're in good company. Together, we'll challenge all patterns, embrace new perspectives, and build a mindset that needs to be right where you are. Each week, we're brewing up our best fund of research and real life experience. So, grab your mug, settle it, and let's get started. Hey friend, thanks so much for pressing play today. Today is International Women's Day. This is influenced our episode a bit here.

1:00Just in terms of this, we're taking advantage of science. We do always like to start with that as well. And science of happiness talks about the tend and befriend theory. And it's really your response to stress. And if you're not a wear friend, there's a lot of different responses to stress, like typically the most common one that you hear is like fight or fight. There's also fun or freeze. Those are some other ones that I've heard of. But this thought of tend and befriend is often associated with how women respond to stress. Yeah, and we thought with this connection, of course, at the timing of this recording, it is International Women's Day, and we wanted to share something like Jamie said, backed by science, but that was intentional for the season of life that we're in, because this tend and befriend can often be seen like right, related to stress, and maybe times there's like disaster or like pretty significant distress.

2:06I think for us, it's birthday month and we've been just kind of reflecting on our age and all these things, right? And right now, for us, life is a bit loud. Like we we're in a season of life, you know, the kids are getting into more and more activities. Our parents are aging. I think that's a big one that we'll probably speak to today a little bit. And our career is like our progressing, which are demanding a good way. Yeah, I've made a recent change at work or it will be transitioning into a different department. So there's just a lot going on and there's like good stress, but there can also be a lot of bad stress or heavy stress. Yeah, I think it's always, you know, good to just kind of stop and pause and self awareness. I always say we start there. I'm just like, why am I feeling this way? Or or are you continuing to feel this way? And why? And you know, I also think tapping back into like resources, tools, habits, and or what this theory really, really it's too is like the people

3:11that you have in your corner that can support you in those times of. Yeah. Because the tend to be friend is, you know, very, I guess biological, if you will, like a biological survival mechanism, not just kind of like a luxury, right? So, you know, with us trying to live a purposeful, intentional life, the purpose behind that is who are you connecting with to help you in these times of stress, right? So it's kind of like this oxytocin shift, right? When women hang out, we talk deeply, right? It's not very surface level. It can get pretty deep, especially with the circle, like if you feel safe within your circle, it's, yeah, that's so true. Yeah, I mean, I feel like for, and at this stage in our life too, I feel like, and maybe can relate to this, of just like, you don't really have, I don't want to say the energy of like, or the time, but like, you're gonna prioritize people that do leave you feeling, you know, like you to Jill's point,

4:16have that space to share deep things, like those that are, those relationships that are a little bit more surface level, like, I don't know, like just, yeah, you're not gonna get a lot of return. Oh, that's good. Return on happiness, right? Return on investment. Yeah. So, yeah, when women are talking deeply in that space or that circle, like our body's released oxytocin, which is like the cuddle hormone, right? Feel good. And that offers the effects of cortisol, which is that stress hormone. So, I mean, it makes sense that this is something that women often lean into because of our nature. And yes, of course, we use fight and flight, but like more times than not, it's more of this like, nurturing effect, like, tending, and then like reaching out to that social circle for befriending interaction. Well, and I think this comes back to, excuse me, like the circle that you are in, like, is it gossiping? Is it venting? Or is it more so when it is the people that are like in your corner, they're breathing, breathing belief in you, it's, it almost shifts like this helps

5:21you actually regulate, right? Like we've talked about episodes with that as well, like how can we regulate? How can we slow down? How can we take deep breaths? Things like that. So I think recognizing that this, you know, tend to be friend theory or approach helps you, because I signs of happiness, like it's called catharsis when you are venting and you're just, you're catastrophizing and you're ruminating. And typically, you know, sometimes when you are, I mean, being sisters, sometimes we do go there where we kind of just like all center and aspire love, you know, this is hard or, you know, this happened. And I think just pausing to reflect it like, okay, is that going to help us regulate? No, like it's, it's looking for, you know, those positive things or those people in your corner that can kind of pull you out of that. Yeah, I'm sure you've been in a scenario where you're on a phone call with someone and, you know, you need to be kind of physically calmed down if you're the one that's kind of spiraling or they are. And I think just being aware,

6:25too, you know, is that leaving you feel drained? Or is it more of a purposeful connection, purposeful and productive, I guess, that leaves you recharge, right? And yeah, Jamie and I have definitely had our, our morning or after work, venting session. So it is also, again, coming with intention of like, what do you need from me, you know, how, like, what are we doing here, right? Like I think our mom has been really a good sounding board for us that, you know, if we are struggling with something, like, you know, she can help really talk us through that without getting into a big venting such. And I feel like it's kind of that, that, um, thought of Cove, like cared for, understood and validated. Like, I just need some validation or I need to talk this out loud so I can get to the solution. Um, that's where I think the magic happens. And like, you're getting support that you need. And again, friend, like, we're not saying you can't vent or, you know, what have you? It's the whole idea of like, don't unpack there, don't

7:28sit in it too long. Um, because then you might get into that fight or flight, um, which is more of that quarter-sol response, which can have, you know, negative effects on your body versus yeah, this approach. Well, I think going back to like kind of what we're like our season right now, right? Like again, with our parents aging too. Like, if I'm purposeful about my connections and the conversations I'm having, like I probably want to seek out someone that is also, you know, navigating or has advocated aging parents or, you know, maybe like an illness or something like that, right? And again, that's going to be not so surface level. Like, I think that's where you really have to kind of go like a social pruning of like, who do I need to surround myself with in this season or in this time to help me navigate that stress? Yeah. One thing too that maybe we could um, just define a little bit more as like tending, so we say tend and befriend. The tending part,

8:30again, more on that earth train side, this can involve like protecting oneself. So maybe that's boundaries. Maybe that's, I don't know, you, you, you, you film of like there, it could be protecting loved ones or again, based on what Jules had said in this season that were in as a little bit loud, may be protecting your kids, you know, like in ensuring their safety and such. So that's more of that tending part. And then the befriending, that's where the social support really comes in where like you're, you're reaching out to your social network, your friend group, for that comfort and protection. You can't do it on your own. You recognize that you need to tap in to those like Brennan-Broscher has brought this up like contributors like the contributors in your life. Like they are contributing to your comfort and protection. And so yeah, I just want to define the two. Yeah, and I think it's like you don't already have somebody like this in your circle too. Like, that's what's so special about kind of days like today, like International Women's Day, like

9:32really highlighting women that empower each other, that lift each other up. Like, you know, again, is it a group that you join or, you know, who do you like seek out or, you know, like I think that's just kind of when things are highlighted like this is a really good opportunity to just kind of be on the lookout for that and be intentional about seeking it. That's really great point. Like International Women's Day, our birthday month, it tends to be this time of like reflection of like, oh, wow, who are the women in my life? I want to celebrate number one. But then, okay, also, I'm approaching this birthday. What does my life look like right now? What's working? What's not working? It's a very reflective time either way. Yeah, and I think just some actual things that you can take out of this, you know, again, maybe it's we've talked about this a lot with audits, right? Maybe it is doing a friendship audit or just, you know, again, having awareness of who you truly are surrounding yourself with and how that's helping you with your stress.

10:34And how it makes you feel like, is it affecting like helping an oxytocin rise or is it more of like a cortisol spike when you're with them? That's great. I would also say you could do, you could schedule like micro connections, right? So I love doing this, especially during the week when I'm, you know, in the car, I know I got 20 minutes on my way to daycare, like, I'll send voice notes. And whether that's in a work setting or, you know, to other like friends or family members, like, I don't know, just I can get I can put more energy behind a voice note and just kind of, you know, you can knock that out on a walk in the car. But it's just kind of this thought. I saw something with Mel Robbins and she was interviewing someone and it was like literally just sharing with somebody like, I, you know, I was the saying or something like, I love doing this life with you or I love you, I love having you in my life or just whatever the case may be, it can just be something so small that have such a big impact. For sure. I think yeah, the last action step for you

11:40friend is just reach out to like one woman in your life today. And not to ask for something or plan something, but simply to acknowledge their impact. Like if they truly have helped you, whether it's through like a really stressful time, some of the examples in our research, you know, could have could have been, you know, like when somebody lost someone and, you know, maybe that friend is helping organize a meal train or like a community group effort when there's a natural disaster or like again, it does not have to be to that level. But if there has been somebody that has helped you through a very trying time or just challenge, let them know again, this is a TBD amount of time here on earth. So take the time to just simply acknowledge their impact and influence on you. And yeah, like Jamie said, like, hey friend, I'm studying this, you know, to you today because I just love doing life with you or I'm just practicing some gratitude and need to know to let,

12:42you know, how much you, I'm grateful for you. Yeah, pay it forward, you know, um, acknowledging someone and just, you know, how much you appreciate them goes a really, really, really long way. Happy International Living Day. We got it next week. Thank you so much for tuning in today friend. We know your time is valuable. We appreciate that you spend with us. If this episode resonated with you, help us move our mission forward by doing one of these three things. Share it with a friend, take us on social media or leave us a quick review. Your support means the world to us. We'll be back next week. Until then, let's live more positive on purpose.