1715 || regular shame vs. toxic shame

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shop at business.warmart.com. Terms apply. Welcome to the Make Your Dan Bed Podcast. A daily

motivation podcast designed to help you get out of bed every morning with a little company from me,

Julie America. If you struggle with consistency, let's build a little momentum together,

whether you make your bed or not. Well good morning, sunshine. Welcome to another day of the Make Your

Dan Bed Podcast. I want to talk about my family drama every day on this podcast because I think

it's relevant, I think it would help a lot of people, and I think it would be informative to,

you know, my perspective. But I struggle with this because I'm not great at not adding all of the

context. All I want to do is start at the beginning, so you understand all of the dynamics before

I share a story so that behaviors don't define people, or I don't malign certain members of my

family for not being great to me, you know, or good to me at all. But over the last few months,

specifically, I've been navigating the necessary boundaries that I have to set with certain

family members that I'm still interacting with, while also grieving those who have been unable to

respect any of my basic humanity or needs in these relationships. I fear that if I actually shared

my childhood traumas here, there would be a lifetime movie made about my life within the next year.

But it doesn't feel healing to discuss. It doesn't feel cathartic or good. It just leaves me with a

deep sense of shame, because I have been the only one trying to repair relationships in my life

for decades. And being the one putting the foot forward and either being rejected completely,

like by my mother or my brother, or misunderstood by those who have met me halfway,

has only created more of that shame. It makes me feel like I'm not worthy to reach out to.

It makes me feel like a burden. And like the work and the effort that it takes to be in relationship

with me from my family specifically is not worth it. And though I know deep down that that's not

true, it is very hard not to feel a deep burdensome sense of shame about who I am as a person

because of the lack of care that I received in certain years of my childhood, specifically when

my mom took me. Now, this is a time that we're not allowed to talk about as a family. There's

too much shame around it. You're not allowed to make her feel guilty. So we don't. We ignore the

elephants in the room. And when they start to make noise or get in the way of other activities

that we'd like to accomplish, anyone who points at the elephant is the problem, not the elephant itself,

or the person who put the elephant in the room. And so I've buried the shame. I've internalized it

and I've taken on the burden of repairing every relationship in my life. And I realized I've

been doing this since I was 12 years old when my mom eventually brought me back to Florida to see

my family again. And now that I'm working things out with other family members, I have found myself

lugging that fucking elephant into every room I enter whether I want to or not. And so as I've been

navigating the relationships I have been putting effort into and want to sustain, but also want

to preserve my own well-being within, it has been tricky. And in doing this work, in communicating

like this, I have discovered a lot about myself that I'm not proud of. And so recently,

my number one focus has been uprooting and dismantling some of the toxic,

internalized shame that I have been carrying with me since I was a child.

According to verywellmind.com, we all feel ashamed of ourselves now and again. Maybe we turn

in a project for work that we knew could have been better or were unkind to someone that we

should have treated with more patience, but these understandable and relatively short-lived

feelings of shame are very different from toxic shame. Toxic shame is the chronic feeling of

worthlessness and self-hatred. It's often cultivated in childhood or adolescence in response to trauma,

neglect, abuse, or other instances of poor treatment by those around you. It is a trauma response.

Of instead of questioning the caregivers, you question your own worth. You internalize the

feelings of worthlessness that those around you project onto you. And repeated emotional and

or physical attacks teach you that you're the one that's supposed to absorb and accept these

feelings that you're the worthless one and you should be ashamed of yourself. Whether or not

you've done anything wrong, this is how toxic shame begins. Those around you teach you that you

should hate yourself. And so you do. At the core of toxic shame are feelings of worthlessness

and self-loathing. But it's not always as cut and dry as just thinking, oh, I'm worthless or

I'm a piece of shit or I'm not worthy of love or I'm a burden. This toxic shame can disguise

itself or come out in many different forms. Some of the symptoms that the author lists are constant

self-criticism. Maybe you've internalized the criticism of others which has made you much

harder on yourself than you realistically needed to be. Or maybe you're a perfectionist.

You feel as though nothing is good enough until it's perfect and therefore it will keep you safe

from negative reactions or criticism. This one's a big one for me. Maybe it's low self-esteem.

You've been taught that others don't value you so you don't value yourself. Or maybe it's just

a low grade of depression and anxiety that makes you prone to other mental health challenges and

mental illnesses. It also comes out as procrastination. You feel like nothing will ever be good enough

so you put off doing anything to avoid the negative feelings that you'll inevitably feel.

This is another one I use a lot. An action does feel safer than acting imperfectly.

So I resist doing the work that I want to do. Another symptom that I'm victim of is the extreme

sensitivity to the opinions of others. I have severe rejection sensitivity and I am very sensitive

to the idea that someone will criticize me or reject me completely based on a behavior.

I feel like one mistake does become my definition, my identity, despite the fact that I am fully

capable of acknowledging that other people aren't identified by their mistakes. It feels like

it's different for me. Other symptoms the article addresses are sleep issues,

eating disorders, substance use, codependency issues, and somatic symptoms like stomach pain or

chest tightening. I have a lot of these that don't show up all the time, but when I have to face

something that I need to be ashamed of or I feel like I need to be ashamed of, I seem to take

it to the limits. I am not a dramatic person, but when it comes to my mistakes, I definitely

over focus. And if I feel like I have a little bit of things to be ashamed about, it feels like a

free ticket to kick my own ass. It really comes down to dramatic or inordinate reactions that

signify the toxic shame, overstandard, helpful, communicative shame. But fortunately there are coping

strategies. Quote, the first step is identifying what is triggering you about a situation and seeing

what is in your control that you might change. Maybe it's your inner dialogue, maybe it's the

boundaries that you've set. Maybe it's the way you communicate. Maybe it's expanding upon your

distress tolerance. But avoiding things that create shame can sometimes cause us to isolate.

Instead, it's important to prioritize boundaries. If you are around people who are highly

critical, you can avoid them or set boundaries with them or address that issue as needed. But it's

very important that you don't cut yourself off from everyone, especially those who are not

trying to make you feel more ashamed. And for some people calling it out when we feel it is

enough, sometimes simply naming it or at least acknowledging the burden that these feelings and

these thoughts build upon is enough. If you pretend like they're not there, you're not ashamed,

there's nothing happening to you. You'll never be able to really fully address where they're coming

from or how they're affecting you. Naturally, the article suggests professionals, DBT, ACT

or CBT therapy. But because that is not currently accessible to me with my current financial situation,

if you have friends or family whom you can trust, talking to them might be helpful. Chances are

they don't feel the same way about you as you do yourself. Hearing positive feedback from someone

else, a more objective party, and letting yourself experience that reality can really go a long

way when you're trying to rebuild your self-esteem and combat toxic shame. There are support groups

that are sometimes free through the library or through pay what you can, therapists that might

also be helpful, but what I've been focusing on are online resources, seeing forums and people

share their past experiences plus the resources that have been helping them. And so over the next

day or so, I'm going to share some of the resources I've been using to become more compassionate with

myself while also setting better boundaries that don't lead to as much conflict or as much shame

around this communication or this need for change. In the meantime, you can access this original

source in the show notes if you're interested. Either way, just know I love you so much. I hope you

have a wonderful rest of your day, and I will talk to you tomorrow while you make your damn bed. Goodbye,

cutie. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of the Make Your Damn Bed Podcast. Don't

forget to subscribe so you don't miss tomorrow's episode. You can follow on Instagram and TikTok

at NYDB Podcast for occasional updates. And if you could rate and review this episode five stars

wherever you're listening, it genuinely helps the podcast at its core. And if you have anyone in

your life you think might be interested in hearing what I have had to say, it also makes a huge

difference in the sustainability and my ability to make this something worth sharing. So if you have

questions or want specific advice, you can email me at nydbpodcast at gmail.com. In the meantime,

I've been your host, Julie America. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day, and I'll talk to you

tomorrow while you make your damn bed. With no fees or minimums on checking accounts,

it's no wonder the Capital One bank guy is so passionate about banking with Capital One. If he

were here, he wouldn't just tell you about no fees or minimums. He'd also talk about how most

Capital One cafes are open seven days a week to assist with your banking needs. Yep, even on

weekends, it's pretty much all he talks about in a good way. What's in your wallet?

Terms apply. See capital one dot com slash bank capital one and a member FDIC.

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