171: Stop Waiting to Feel Ready

0:00to the becoming you show where limits get torched and possibility takes the mic. I'm Leah Rowley, human in permanent beta, neuro strategist, mom to three amazing humans, married to one legendary soul, and your no-fluff permission slay to stop waiting. Every week we rewire rain patterns, smash handy down mindsets, and dive into the daring identity-shifting conversations most people dodge. Ready to turn potential into proof? Grab your pen. Your next chapter starts now. Hello, hello, hello, my beautiful friends. How are you? Welcome. Welcome back to the becoming you show. I am your host, Leah Rowling, and I am so grateful that you are in this conversation. I am genuinely excited about it, and as I was kind of thinking through the outline of this,

1:04I was like, this is way too much for, you know, a 28 plus little minute podcast. So it will probably turn into maybe a three or four part series, and I'm hoping that each of them build on one another. At least that's kind of the outline that I have in my head around it. But it is all about confidence, okay? Because here's what I believe. Confidence is foundational. It's foundational. It's foundational in creating results. It's foundational in your leadership. It's foundational in your relationships. It's foundational in building something meaningful. And it is foundational in creating a life that is as big and as brilliant and magical as you are. What you'd hear me say that. Confidence is foundational in creating a life that is big and magical and amazing as you are. And here's the thing. Most people misunderstand confidence.

2:11Okay? And because we must understand it, we wait for it. Okay? And because we wait for it, we don't move. We don't move, right? So today we're going to dive into, as I mentioned part one, which is understanding what competence is and the invitation there to stop waiting to feel ready. Okay? So if you are waiting right now to feel confident before you act, I want you to think of something that you want in your life, something that you currently do not have. And I'm guessing at the crux of your inability to get that thing, to do that thing or to not do that thing. Okay? There is a level of competence that is required. That's why it's foundational. I think, I say this all the time on the show, every single problem is a thought problem. And every, and every problematic thought is because of some layer of an inadequate or insufficient

3:18level of competence. Okay? This is big, big step to know. So then if you could extrapolate, then every problem is a competence one. Okay? So if you're waiting to, quote unquote, feel confident before you take action, before you do the thing that you know you need to do, or stop doing the thing that you've always done. Generally, there are two camps. You're going to be waiting for the rest of your life. Okay? Because competence does not come first. Competence is not the precipitous of it. Guess what is? Evidence. Evidence. Evidence comes first. Okay? And today I'm, I'm hoping to show you how to build it, it, it being evidence, it being competence on purpose. Okay? I'm not talking about hype. We're not talking about affirmations. I am caught. No. Right? We're not pretending to believe something that you don't.

4:19We're not redefining confidence. So it fits in our favor so that we might have access to the possibility that it's available. No. None of that. We're building evidence. Okay? So we've been sold. Okay? This is a lie that we've been sold. We've been sold that this idea that, um, that idea is a possible personality trait. Okay? That some people just have it. Right? That it, that it, that it's charisma or perhaps an upbringing or extroversion or luck. You guys, I've listened to too many podcasts and too many courses that, that offer, offer up this level of confidence as a, as a, as a buyer's brig or a, a personality profile or an anyagram, um, characteristic. Okay? Okay? And, and then we make all sorts of meaning around that. If we don't have it or don't feel it, then that must mean that there's something about us. Right? But I, I really

5:21want to bring this conversation forward. It's so critical because confidence isn't discovered. It's not discovered. It's not part of your epigenetics. It's not part of, you know, it, it is trained. So the psychological term for confidence is self efficacy, self efficacy. And that is a term that was claimed by Albert, um, Albert Vendura. Okay? And he is one of the most cited psychologists of all time. Okay? Self efficacy is your belief in your ability to influence outcomes. Okay? I'm going to say that again. Okay? So the psychological term for confidence, AKA the formal psychological definition is rooted from the word of self efficacy. And so efficacy, right? Is your belief? Okay? Belief is a thought. Okay? In your ability to influence

6:25outcomes. Notice what this is not. It's not, it's not your belief that things will go perfectly. It's not your belief that you won't feel fear. It's not your belief that you can handle, right? All of the things that that will happen when they do. Okay? His research was clear. Self efficacy is built primarily through mastery experiences. I want that to land. What? Meaning doing something hard and surviving it. Okay? Doing something uncomfortable and not dying. Doing something imperfectly and still being okay. That is how confidence grows. Not, not, not from thinking differently. Not from wishing that you're upgrading, upbringing was better. Not from, uh, retaking personality tests to see if, if any of them can, can hint at a possible characteristic

7:30of a certain level of confidence. Okay? So this is where I really just kind of want to slow down a bit because right now if you're listening, you might be thinking, okay? Again, I want you to have that thought in your mind, right? Like what, what do you want? What is the thing that you want that you don't currently have right now? And as I mentioned, the gap between where you are, and what you want is probably a gap in your confidence. And you would probably say to me that you don't feel ready. Or whatever, I don't feel ready, I don't feel equipped, I don't have enough of it, I don't have, I don't have the right. Um, confidence, I, all of that, okay? And I know, and that's the point. That is the point. You don't wait to feel ready. You build ready,

8:33through reps, okay? So I want to also bring this up and this is some really cool research around fear and confidence and how they are inversely related, okay? Because fear and confidence operate kind of like a teeter totter, if you will. When fear goes up, confidence goes down. When confidence goes up, fear shrinks. So what reduces fear? Okay? Not, not motivational quotes, not just journaling, not even just, not even just managing our mind. But exposure, gradual exposure, okay? There is decades of research in behavioral psychology around exposure therapy, okay? When someone has a phobia, spiders, public speaking, elevators, what have you? They don't eliminate that fear by

9:38thinking it away. They eliminate fear by controlled exposure, small contact, repeated contact, safe contact. And the nervous system updates, how does it update? It checks, okay? Evidence, oh, we're not dying. Oh, maybe this wasn't as scary as I had thought. Oh, maybe I could do more here. And over time, you guys, the amygdala, which is kind of the brain's threat detector, it reduces its reactivity, okay? And as the amygdala reduces its reactivity, this prefrontal cortex, this reasoning center, it comes back online. It regains influence. When that happens, you guys, when the amygdala, the brain's threat detector, when that reduces its reactivity, and this part of

10:39the brain regains its influence. So you could almost consider the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex as teeter-totters, okay? When that happens, fear shrinks. And we know, because of the science, when fear shrinks, what happens to confidence? It goes up. You guys, this is not theory, this is neuro-science. So when we talk about building confidence, we were really talking this, what we're really talking about is this. Ready? Increasing our tolerance for discomfort, right? That's what we're talking about. Having the courage to feel uncomfortable, because confidence isn't the absence of fear. It is the decision to move while fear is present.

11:39I don't believe in a fearless state, right? In an effort to get what you want, okay? The fear is going to be there. It's the decision to move while it's there. And if you don't train that muscle, just like every other muscle, in our body, it atrophies, right? It doesn't, it's not as strong, it's not as resilient, it's not as capable. But if you do train it, right? If you go into the gym and you work out your reps and you do bicep curls, your bicep gets stronger. Did you have to endure a little pain and suffering along the way for a stronger bicep? Absolutely. Is it worth a thousand percent? You're not going to die from lifting a dumbbell. You're also not going to die from fear. Okay? So if you do train that muscle, if you do put yourself out there as like right, as if action

12:47then becomes the antidote for fear. And when you do train it, something magical happens, okay? You, my beautiful friend, you start surprising yourself. You start surprising yourself with all of the possibilities that are available for you. Because that action, in conjunction with fear, small exposure, evidence, that is the roadmap, that that is the bridge from where you want to go and from where you are and where you want to go. So the biggest surprise, is the courage that you have within. And that helps you conquer, right? Meet that fear,

13:49head on, head on. So here's the invitation. Here's what I'm inviting you all to do. And there will be, there will be an invitation every segment of this, of this kind of confidence work that we're going to do this entire month. But I want you to choose, okay, one area of your life where fear, perhaps, scratch that, where fear has been quietly or maybe loudly running the show. Okay. So maybe it's making sales calls. Maybe as an entrepreneur, you're listening to me and man, can we be busy? Busy, busy, busy doing all of the things, you know, producing creative. But are you making the calls required to invite somebody?

14:53Into the value that you provide, okay. Sales calls can create a fear response. And the fear response is always freeze. Freeze first, fully if you can, fight if you must, okay. Freeze. So if you find yourself procrastinating, if you find yourself not making the progress that you want, okay, you might not call it fear, but that's what it is. There is a reason and you have a good one. You have a good one. And that's because you have a brain that cares more about your survival than your livelihood. Cares more about your survival than you thriving. Cares more about you living another day than you fulfilling the most genius, magical, brilliant part of who you are. Okay, we have to be on to ourselves with that. So is it sales calls, okay? Is it just in posting content, right? Like trying to do a plus work that never gets seen. Like, can you just have the courage to just put something out there, put it out there, even if it sucks. Know that it's

15:58probably going to suck. I remember when I first started my podcast, you guys, and I have a really kind of awesome story about that, but I'll share it a different time just for time. But I was terrified. I'm like, I'm not going to know what to say. I'm a trip of my words. I'm probably going to repeat myself. I'm probably going to go on on tangents kind of like I'm doing now, right? And I was like, no, you're just going to do it. You're just going to do it. And if you don't die, you're going to do another one. And guess what? I didn't die. And I'm 170 some podcasts in. And they didn't die. And I'm still not perfect at them. But I show up with way less fear, okay? Way less fear in doing them. Because I had the exposure of doing them. And I had the evidence that I did not die on the other side of it. Okay? So posting content, are you avoiding a conversation, right? Is

17:00that where fear is maybe running the show? Because you know that conversation is going to change everything. And you also know not having that conversation is going to change everything, right? You're going to meet that moment with the beautiful conversation that allows you clarity and connection and change, or you're going to resist, freeze fear that conversation, not having it, continuing to make the assumptions that you're making that probably aren't warranted and continue to create space to create disconnection from the very person that you care to love. And you probably wouldn't be ruminating about this hard conversation if there wasn't a part of you that knew that you needed to have it, right? I don't believe in random nudges. I believe that if it's in you to have, I believe, if you think, gosh, I probably should make some more sales calls,

18:01it's probably true. If you think, wow, I probably should post some content. It's probably true. If you believe that that conversation is probably a good conversation to have it, well, yes, I would trust that. Trust that. Asking for help is a big one. Where are you just taking it all on? Shouldering it on? Because for whatever reason, and you know the one, we refuse to ask for help, setting a boundary, saying no, saying yes, right? Raising your rates, applying for that job, applying for that promotion, asking about the promotion. Maybe it's just starting that workout, going to that class. You know, maybe it's because you have always wanted to or maybe you went a couple of times and you felt like, gosh, I'm not as strong. I'm not as flexible. I felt this way when I started yoga back up this year. I'm like, oh my gosh, I took a couple

19:04years off and I'm in a P2 class because that was the class that was open. And I didn't want to go. I didn't want to go because I knew that one, they hadn't seen me in a couple of years. So what would they think, right? Two, I knew that there were going to be postures that I wouldn't be able to bend in. I knew there were postures that I was going to have a hard time, you know, doing breath to breath to movement in. I knew because of what's now what I'm navigating with my hip right now, that there would be postures that I just would flat out not be able to do. And I went. I went. And what I realized in the yoga classes, nobody is caring about what I'm doing. They're in their own challenges in their own breath, breath to movement on their own mat. But it took courage. It took exposing myself to the mat in order to see what I was capable of.

20:04And I keep going back to the mat. And I keep getting stronger and more flexible and more viable. And I'm better able to do some of those exercises that I wasn't able to do just at the very beginning of this year. What? Yes. Yes. So that is the challenge. That is what I'm asking you to do. I want you to choose one arena, one area of your life where you believe that fear is holding you back. And it could be as simple as just what are you procrastinating in? Why haven't you? Why haven't you dumped out your inbox? Like why? Like what's going on with your morning routine that you haven't created it, right? Just know there's a level of fear there that's keeping you frozen and doing it. Okay? So you're going to do one small repeatable action, right? So for me, I did that small podcast. It was one podcast. It was 25 minutes long.

21:05If it was it was terrible, I could probably just tell them don't like don't post it. Right? I'm sure it wasn't great. They posted it, right? I didn't tell them not to though. With a class, right? I'm going to do one small class. It was an express class. It was 45 minutes. I just needed enough courage to do the one little small repeatable action. I didn't say I'm going to do this forever. I said I'm going to do this one class. Okay? And we're going to do it not in panic mode and also not in avoidance mode. Okay? In stretch. We're going to have a conversation about the flow zone, right? Where if our challenges are greater than our skill set, we're in panic anxiety and when the challenges are low, not as much, and our skill set's high, we're in boredom. Either way, there's a fear response that allows us to freeze,

22:09freeze in panic, freeze in boredom. Okay? So we're not going to we're not going to be in panic with this. We're not going to be in avoidance with this. We miss understand motivation for those things. We're going to be in stretch just a little bit, just every single day. Why 30 days? Because consistency requires identity. Okay? But do the one thing. Do the one thing and then find another time to do the one thing. Okay? Daily action. Here's the critical piece. Do not negotiate with yourself. You do not wait to feel inspired. You do not wait for motivation. You do not measure how you feel before you move. You move. You move. You put the fear on like a backpack and you move. And then you measure every time you follow through your brain logs evidence. Huh? She does what she says she's going to do. Huh? She did this with a lot of courage. She did it

23:12scared. And that that self-trust is the backbone of confidence. Right? That self-trust is the backbone of confidence. That self-trust is the equivalent to what we were talking about earlier with that whole notion of self-efficacy. The belief that you will figure it out. The belief that you will have your back. The belief that you will do what you say you're going to do. The belief that you will do it scared. The belief that you will do it uninspired and unmotivated. Okay? So if we continue to break promises with our self, that competence erodes. You build a history of small, right? Evidence-based? Consistent? Follow through? Competence rises. This is neurological. Your brain is constantly updating a file. I want you to consider this.

24:18Your brain is constantly updating a file that's called who am I? Who am I? And that file is built a lot of times from behavior. Yes, choice for sure, but behavior. Choice in who you believe you are. You get to choose that. But behavior. Action. Showing up to the moment. Scared. It's life changing. It's life changing. I want to see what you do. I want to see how you do it. Tag me. Put it on my Insta. Let me know what you're doing. Maybe, maybe a hashtag 30. Maybe this is my courage there. Like, be brave. Know that you're brave. Know that you can do this. Be onto yourself. You're not going to die, right? I think for sure, physically, you're not going to die. But spiritually, your soul will. Should you not choose to follow that nudge? And I want to promise

25:24you that the only thing that's getting in the way of you, where you are, that nudge of what you want, that gap is confidence. Confidence. We're going to go deeper in that next week. So hope you'll join in the conversation. Hope you'll share this one and hope you'll tag me in this confidence challenge that we're working on all month long. Have a beautiful one, everybody. Take care. Bye bye. The tools to rewire the story and reclaim your future. It is yours. And then share this with someone who's still waiting to be chosen, still waiting for permission and remind them they don't need a breakthrough that they are the breakthrough. Until next time, my beautiful friends, invest in you and keep becoming.