156. My Dudes! My Guys! My Bros!

0:00Ever notice how ads always pop up at the worst moments when the killer's identity is about to be revealed? During that perfect meditation flow, on Amazon Music we believe in keeping you in the moment. That's why we've got millions of ad-free podcast episodes, so you can stay completely immersed in every story, every reveal, every breath. Download the Amazon Music app and start listening to your favorite podcast that free, included with Prime. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. Last year I went through many different life changes. I needed to take a pause and examine how I was feeling in the inside to better show up for the ones who need me to be my best version of myself. When you're navigating life's changes, Talkspace can help. Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatry providers that you can access anytime, anywhere.

1:00Living a busy life, navigating a long distance relationship, becoming a first step father, Talkspace made all of those journeys possible. I could speak with my therapist in the office, I could speak with my therapist in the comfort of my home, I was never alone. Talkspace works with most major insurers and most insured members have a zero dollar copay, no insurance, no problem. Now get $80 off your first month with promo code Space80 when you go to Talkspace.com. Match with a licensed therapist today at Talkspace.com. Save $80 with code Space80 at Talkspace.com. Ready, set, go get your Toyota today with great deals on your favorite trucks at your local Toyota dealer. Like a full-size tundra or check out the off-road ready to coma. Visit Toyota.com to find out more. Toyota, let's go places. Welcome to the Ask a Sub podcast. I'm Lena Dune. I'm a bisexual submissive in a 24-7DS relationship.

2:06Between this podcast and our thriving community of conscious kinksters, together we're going to find the kinky keys to unlock our highest joy. Create a better world through wellness kink and healing BDSM and help you become your very own BDSM BFF. Well it's been quite a week for horny content, let me just say. I finally watched pillion and you guys pillion was the perfect metaphor for the many many issues with moving internationally. In this day and age because it came out here in the UK at the end of December, I believe, and was out of theaters by the time that I arrived, which is exactly when it was going into theaters in the US. So theoretically, I should have been able to stream it, but all of the streaming services, especially Apple, were like, what do you mean you move to another country?

3:07You can't do that. It was sort of the consensus of everyone I talked to. It was like, what changed region on the thing? And then the VPNs were not doing what they needed to do. It was just it was allegedly I tried a VPN in case things change here. But eventually we figured it out. We got a copy. We streamed it. And I had expected to have a reaction to it. And in case you don't know, this is the Motorcycle Biker 24-7 DS dynamic movie with Alexander Skarsgard and Harry Melling, who is in the Harry Potter movies as Dudley Dursley and is now a gangly weird looking adult. So I'd expected to watch it and be like, oh great, let me write a piece about it for Substack. And I'm thinking that it deserves a lot more. So Mr. Dune and I are going to sit down and record at one of our OTK episodes, which we haven't done in quite some time because life came out as fast. But we're going to get those back going again with a Dom and Sub reviewing the current representation of 24-7 DS in the world. And we'll talk about that.

4:13So that will be coming to you sometime next week if you are a paid subscriber. And we'll also be released for all levels of Patreon. And everyone on Substack because we owe you an apology for missing a deep dive last month. In case it hasn't come through, which I think it has. We've just been in this state of being relentlessly piled right by life over and over again since December, probably when we decided to move and then had to keep changing our date of our move and finally got all of our stuff out. And then there's just been all kinds of uncertainty that I will spare you from in and out of trying to get across the frickin ocean last week. You may have heard my TSA saga that was so dramatic and especially because I am I am the goodest girl when I'm packing. I never tempt TSA but it happened and it was outside my control and I just have had to sort of let go and surrender not in the fun way.

5:13But today I was puttering around our little apartment here in the UK and I had some delicious cheddar cheese on some very under salted crackers and some tea and it's raining outside. And I'm like, wait a second, this is the part that we've been trying to get to. So we're finally at that part and I hope to share the peace in the joy of having made that really necessary change with all of you over the airwaves as my voice travels back across the Atlantic to so many of you who are in the US. And for those of you who aren't, hey, I'm here in your time zone and that you can much more easily schedule office hours with me at a time that is more sensible for you. So check that out, askasub.com slash office hours. It's also been a great time for horny media because Vladimir is out on Netflix and because it's only been out for one day as of recording this but I've almost watched the entire thing. I will not get into it too deeply but it is one of my favorite books that I've read in the last couple of years and it represents a phenomenon that I think doesn't get enough representation which is women being so fucking horny that it becomes embarrassing for them.

6:29Like kind of ruins their lives. This is a genre that I hope to add to with my own fiction writing one day and yeah, it's good. It's a good adaptation. There's a sense in the beginning where I was like, I don't know if I like where they're going with this. I don't buy the smoke and hot Rachel wise as like kind of a loser which is sort of how it was in the book but they really stick the landing they pull it off. And I think that they obviously were referencing flea bag when they put together the script because she looks into the camera for her in her monologue you're seeing constant flashes of her and Vladimir who's played by the himbo from season two of white lotus who fucks his uncle and he but he's playing in American in this and you see them moments from her imagination. This is all in the first couple minutes of the pilot so I'm not spoiling anything there but there's something really evocative and deeply cringe at the same time and I'm so fascinated about seeing female sexuality in that space so that's on Netflix and I'll probably talk about it more in depth somewhere but if you want to be part of that pillion conversation.

7:36Which we will also be illuminating broader thoughts about 24 seven and lifestyle DS that will all be coming out for any paid subscriber on any level sometime next week. So without further ado here is a brief ad break and after that the question and answer. After care can look a lot of different ways sometimes it's a nice snack sometimes it's a cute movie and sometimes it's scheduling your partner a lift home so nobody has to drive after a hot scene. Download lift today that's LYFT and request an extra comfort ride to be paired with a top rated driver and a nicer car with roomier back seats because you deserve to enjoy the soothing vibes. Thank you to lift for sponsoring this podcast. So last week was quick hits and I alluded to answering some of the questions I received in a longer format so this is one of those questions. Very thoughtful comes from our friend Strabo he him dom slash switch over on discord here is the question.

8:44I have a couple questions that probably don't count as quick piggybacking a recent question from the pod I've had a lot of trouble navigating how to communicate what I want to someone and when. This is as a cis gendered man who is a dumb leaning switch with no sub experience but some rope topping and other dumb experience. So kink interest is a spectrum right I hold the belief that many more people are kinky than are aware or want to name or look at that part of themselves. They prefer the heteronorm playbook I've dated self described sub leaning women who don't feel comfortable talking about the specifics of sex especially before having it. Do we just not play with those people I was introduced to kink by someone who didn't speak to directly about it she just handed me a bag of rope in a book and told me to learn how to do it. And that awakened a whole other part of me how do we do this ethically as doms as men without handing someone an essay and a contract or imposing our will in all the wrong ways. PS I would prefer to give and get a list of yeses knows maybe sometimes and want to try but some people say it's a lot to give and ask of someone.

9:45My dudes my guys my bros my doms not that all men are doms not that doms have to be men listen we know each other well enough at this point that we know that I'm not going to be making gender generalizations such as those but I do want to address the men in the room because I have developed a passion for helping men find their way into what this role of Dom is supposed to be. And I love you guys so much okay but taking advice from other men on this topic is not always the best way to get good ideas and we love and respect the male dom educators out there except for those who have been broadly canceled flamed face criminal charges etc. But for the purposes of my advice writ large I think that if you're here good if someone sent you here great listening to women and listening to female subs if that is the genre of person that you want to be dominating is part of a balanced breakfast in terms of your resources.

10:57So allow me to be part of your resource holster your tool belts you guys wear tool belts your men right. So all of that said I think that the most common issue that I see with men who are doms and I know that my sample is skewed because this is men who are doms who are either listeners of this podcast of their own volition or have partners who are listeners of this podcast and brought them in. But the men that I see especially in my office hour sessions are often dealing with the fact that they have spent their entire sexual career up until the point of kink getting foregrounded being very very concerned with being nice guys like capital and capital G trademark nice guys. And that's great of course you want to be a nice guy you've seen society you are aware of how patriarchy harms and impacts definitely your female partners if you're straight or bisexual and have sex with women or however you identify and no matter how you identify you probably notice that the patriarchy is rough it's rough for you it's rough for the people you love it's rough your mom it's rough.

12:12So you very consciously created an identity for yourself that has definitely synced up with your sexual awakening that has to do with how a nice guy does sex and how a nice guy does relationships and how does a nice guy do sex and relationships it's usually from what I've seen in my sample size. Men come to the definition of the way that a nice guy has sex is being very solicitous of the other persons needs being gentle asking a lot of questions allowing the other person to drive the ship and being reactive to what she needs which is all really great stuff but if you take too much of the medicine it becomes poison right because how are you supposed to dominate. When dominance is supposed to be an active role and you've cornered yourself into this definition of nice guy masculinity that puts you in a corner where it's destructive rather than constructive if that makes sense.

13:14And what I mean by that is a lot of men who I talk to who are don's who are good people who are the exact type of don's that we need to awaken on mass to meet the demand for submission out there a lot of those don's have taken the traits of toxic masculinity which have been very well highlighted in the media and in the world. They've taken those traits and said okay I don't want to be that I'm not that I'm not someone who's pushy I'm not someone who's aggressive I'm not someone who is egocentrically invested in his own orgasm et cetera so they create this identity that is the mirror image of the toxicly masculine but the toxicly masculine is a stereotype and I think that the nice guy TM is also not a very individualized identity. It's not you as your most embodied sensual sexual self. It's you not being toxic. So this kind of trips the wires sexually when the nice guys are trying to become nice doms because the role of a dom does take some of those words that you've been rebelling against from the toxic masculinity but is using them in a constructive and consensual context such as you do have to be assertive you do have to be.

14:34You have to insist on your own pleasure and desires you do have to lead the scene because that's what the sub is looking for so it's this trick right it's like I thought women didn't want me to be this jerk that sort of forces his way in and women obviously don't want to be hurt they don't want to be abused but then I'm playing with these women who want me to do impact play on them or do aversive sensation and they want me to humiliate them or tie them up or do these things that nice guys quote unquote. Do not do so how do I get myself into the mindset of doing these things after I've spent so much time deprogramming from the bad guy that I don't want to be that maybe I saw my dad be or my coach or my teacher or whoever it was that you said that's not the type of man I'm going to be I'm going to be this other type of man. What I think is that dominance can really show us a way towards constructive masculinity that is really a bomb to what we've all been told men are supposed to do and be but without really getting a roadmap I think that culturally we've spent a lot of time talking about what is wrong in terms of men writ large.

15:51But dominance when you really key into it and it doesn't have to be gendered but of course when it is it does provide men a place to go with their impulses it shows them how to care take it shows them how to show up for someone it shows them how to listen and all these things come not from a place of actual power imbalance but as equals co creating a safe situation so you have to tap into and listen to. The women that you're playing with and respect what they want and what they want might be things that seem not so nice so this is all just a headline before I get to the actual question of how to claim your needs but I think the most important thing for male domes is to do the self work of knowing that your needs are okay your needs are good your needs are going to lead you to benefit somebody else. And in fact claiming what you want and standing firm and what you will and will not do is an act of service to another person so what is the trap on the opposite side of that is the nice guy dom who comes to a dynamic and says whatever you want to do I'll do whatever you want to do and the thing that I've been talking about a lot in my office hours sessions lately with couples is something that came up in my interview with Alexis O'Neill about professional submission

17:16which is that if I haven't heard your know I can't trust your yes and that's used a lot of times in regards to subs we want to hear that a sub can confidently say no before we can trust that they are actually saying yes in a confident way. But it also comes the other way in that subs need to trust that the doms have limits and have boundaries and have places they won't go so that that sub can actually relax into and enjoy the doms yes and know that it's not just all service to the sub and just whatever you want because that's not what anybody gets into submission or you get into submission to feel the sort of tug of war tension of that given take of trusting that the person is taking what you're giving because they want to not just servicing your needs because they want to please you or they want to get something else out of it or whatever that you want authentic buy-in and commitment and this is a place where men as doms can really be forced to show

18:23up in a new way which is to really really offer your partner the confidence that you are not doing anything that you don't want to do. You're not just going along you're doing things that you are interested in and she can facilitate them for you. We're already quite deep into this question and I've hardly answered the question so I'll try to shift because I can talk about this all day and all night. But something that's really really important for male doms as you're claiming your needs as you're claiming your wants. Reduce your list of things that you want to hard yeses and hard knows and let them maybe sort themselves out later but say you know I need xyz to definitely want to do a scene and be comfortable walking away from scenes where those things aren't on offer. For instance, some doms do not want to play with brats and brats I will explain to you why because they've developed that limit because they've only played with brats in the past who are not so forthcoming about the conditions of their bratting, what their bratting means, why they're resisting, why they're saying no and those doms really just want to play with somebody where they completely understand that that person's having a good time.

19:41I think that doms who have a limit around bratting sometimes might be open to bratting if it came up in a different way but that's sometimes where that limit comes from. So if you are a dom who has a limit like that you can absolutely in a negotiation say hey I don't play with people who brat until I know them better. I think that's very reasonable that you don't want to be playing with someone who is resisting until you know each other a little better know that you're not pushing them to a place you don't want to go. On the flip side I need to know that you're really into this so you need to equip me with some stuff that you want me to do which again is kind of fluffy neither here nor there. So maybe like I require my subs to be doing service and xy or z way or I require my subs to make me a cocktail before we sit down or I require my subs to polish my shoes before we get into play. Whatever it is there needs to be something that you genuinely enjoy that you're standing firm on because from there that's how the trust builds because the sub wants to be able to push against you and feel that you're standing firm and what you want to need and you're not just going to flop over based on whatever because we need a space to feel safe and you provide that space by being honest about what you want to need.

20:58As for this question of people and particularly the questioner is experienced with women who are sub leaning but don't want to talk about it send them to me there's reasons behind this so we don't necessarily need to get into because I've talked ad nauseam about how you have to talk about what you want for it to be. Consensual adult kink sex because if you're not going to talk about what you want we might as well be doing vanilla in the back seat of somebody's car in high school this is not one of one shit we have to come to this with an ability to communicate and negotiate however there is an opportunity as a dom to lead a sub and say hey I am not going to play with anybody who can't give me a concrete list of their needs and you know what no. It's not too much to ask that someone give you your their likes and limits I think it's too much to ask for someone to just go full improv jazz on your body when you haven't given them any information you have to have an exchange of information and that does start early so you know not not play with those people but instead say I will not play with you until you provide me these things and standing firm in that as a dom it's very sexy everybody wants to see it.

22:15So taking that space and saying hey this is a requirement for playing with me is another one of those places where you show a sub that you're not fucking around because that's really what they want to see at the end of the day speaking as one myself. So as a dom the advice is very similar to subs but especially use a male dom especially in this time dating female subs all of the above stand firmly on what you want to need knowing that it's okay just as you would celebrate your partners wants and needs and boundaries have wants and needs and boundaries and try not to play a scarcity mindset with yourself where you're like I need to just conform to whatever any sub that crosses my path wants because I might not find another. No no no you will find people it's okay it's mainly about collaborating and making sure that your desires are getting met because how are you supposed to find yourself as a dom if you're not going to hold that space that who you are and what you want and the way you want to go about it is legitimate and real and that's a foundation that you need to stand on as well as your sub needs to kneel on that foundation as well.

23:31Are you a man are you are you a guy are you or someone you love a man or a dude and just come down to my office hours I would really love to connect with more of you I love supporting this theme and I love supporting men as they become doms or become subs love my male subs. You're very welcome just because this is a sub lead space and a woman lead space and a very queer space I think showing up for the straight men so that they can show up for my sub homies is part of how I'm going to get into heaven so please give me the opportunity by heading over to ask a sub dot com slash office hours and if you are interested in a more ongoing relationship with ask a sub office hours I am soft launching right now and this is for everybody. A tier on patreon which is a hundred dollars a month that gets you a one guaranteed session with me to book office hours every month and that is a twenty five dollar discount on individual sessions and a fifty dollar discount on couple sessions so you can just know that you have that in your back pocket to look forward to as you go along your journey and you get a private link to schedule with me.

24:44And we're going to chat and we're going to hang and we're going to get into the ins and outs all of this that level is called BFF level over on patreon become your very own kinky BFF and let me help. So that is patreon dot com slash ask a sub to sign up for that or you can try office hours in a one off capacity ask a sub dot com slash office hours and whatever you do wherever you join whether you're waiting for that pillion conversation on any of our other levels. We appreciate you we see you we know you're doing some filthy shit so leave us a voice memo about it memo dot fm slash ask a sub and we'll see you next week. Ask a sub is written and produced by me Lena Dune with additional sound editing by Mr. Dune. Our music is by Dan Mollad and our graphics are by Kayleigh Denner. If you like this podcast please leave a rating and review on Apple podcasts. It really helps people find the show and grows our raccoon army.

25:48To support the show please come on over to patreon dot com slash ask a sub or ask a sub dot sub stack dot com to make more episodes possible and keep us filthy for years to come. Thanks for being here and we'll see you next week.