03-12-26 - Pat McGann - Tempe Improv - In Studio

0:00Get your brackets ready, March Madness is on at Hooters. Catch every buzzer beater with $4.25 courers light, $5.25 goseckeys, and $3 hoody shots all month long. Hungry? Score bid with 10 buffalo shrimp and fries for just $9.99. Bring your crew, grab a table, and make hooters your headquarters for every slam dunk, upset, and three-boiter during March Madness. All prices are cash prices. Get in the game, this March at Hooters. Hooters! Big games, big flavor, and unbeatable deals. You know, when you're looking for your fix of comedy here in the valley, we have three amazing clubs that feature some of the best comedians and the world up in the north end of town. You can visit the beautiful Desert Ridge Improv downtown in cityscape. You've got stand-up live and east side right there in the heart of ASU. It's the legendary tempi improv. Plenty of entertainment for you and your guests and you can even grab some food and drinks. You'll see why the valley is a comedy destination and get your tickets by going to DesertRoocherProv.com stand-uplive.com and tempiimprov.com.

1:03Still screaming. Humberg's morning sickness. Don't mind it, maybe a-k-u-v-d.com. That's the fastest way to not want kids as to meet other people's kids. Pat McGann is here, everybody, is at the tempiimprov tonight, tomorrow, and uh, that's uh, Saturday's. Well, they just, no, it's tomorrow. And Saturday, you're not doing tonight? Not tonight. He's here just for no reason at all. You've got to follow. Well, good for you. Well, thank you. I can get out of the uh, the cold weather. I guess that's awesome. Well, you know what happened. I got bumped by Jamie Foxx. Oh, I forgot about that. Yeah. You believe this guy? You heard this guy? Evidently he used to. He's an up-and-coming. Yeah. So he moved your day. He did. You were supposed to do tonight. I was got, I was lined up to do tonight. And the club goes with Jamie Foxx instead of Pat McGann. Unbelievable. This is, this is un, but you know, and you're, and you're still flying on a Thursday. Yeah. I came in, man. You're good. You know, he's not coming in. Jamie Foxx. Yeah. I had made a commitment. That's right. Be here.

2:04And he asked, but we said, no, we've got in the game because we're decent people away in that club. Exactly. Well, he's at the tempiimprov, uh, Friday and Saturday. Are you and Sunday? Oh, it doesn't say Sunday. It doesn't say Sunday. You can take Sunday. Oh, Jamie Foxx doing Sunday. You know what? You have a, because the club is any mercy. Yeah. Half hour show on Saturday at six. No, the club is going to do another one at six thirty. The club is terrible. So you got to do a tight 30. Yeah, do. No, because it's said, yeah, Saturday, it's a Saturday, Saturday, Friday, Friday. Is this, we'll say Sunday there. Oh, okay. This club doesn't care. One show Sunday. They don't care about you at all. Bill Cosby's doing Sunday. He's he coming in. Yeah. Bump again. Well, I know for sure he's not getting up early. He's just staying asleep with some people at his house. And that's a thing. I'm going through a thing, Pat. And I don't know you very well or at all. Uh, and I want your advice on this. Yeah. For the first time, I've done the show for 25 years. For the first time, a man has said that his wife is interested in me and would like to he'd like to get her a picture of my penis for her birthday. Would you do that? Hey, man. First of all, nice to meet you. Yeah. Nice to meet

3:08you too, Pat. This is the way I start all this. It's an icebreaker for me. But it's, I'm trying to get my head around this. Yeah. So we even just woke up. He says, my wife is in love with you. She thinks you're awesome. And uh, for her birthday, I'd like to, and she fantasizes about, yeah, me, evidently, something wrong with her. And uh, they, and they're talking about that. And that's a birthday present for her. If I would do it, I think it's for the guy. Okay. He does whatever the guy I wife wants to see it. What's your price? I'm trying to set a price. And I don't know what I would charge for that. Would I do it? Yeah. No, I don't think I would do that for the right price for the right price. Yeah. Then you would do it. Yeah. Just watch your face. At least a comma in there. Yeah. That's what I said. Four figures, right? Yeah. It seems to be. Yeah. Cause I'm not a professional. So I'm going to make a career out of this. It's a one of one. Right. Right. So for how long have you known this guy? I don't know. Oh, you don't know. He emailed me. It's just a cold call. Yeah. Who's that? I got cold cold. I mean, it's flattering. It's an all right. Have you exchanged photos? Have you seen the crew? Uh-huh. That's thing we needed. So you're saying you did what I did. If she's ugly, the price goes up.

4:11Perhaps. Yeah. I mean, I think you got to open up here. I mean, you might have him sign a NDA. I mean, what are they going to do with this thing? He thought about doing a price per pound. Yeah. There's every every pound his wife weighs is $3. Right. That way if she's huge, she can have a picture of my wing, but it's going to cost you. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Cause I don't want to think of that. Man, this is. So what's your price? Yeah. What's your price? We were trying to figure out our prices earlier. Um, $6,900. All right. There you go. Higher. Oh, he's that. This idiot tried to play the moral game in like $20 million. No. Like, yeah, I mean, sell me the downside. That's the downside of this of this. If I do this, because he can't do it, but he just says not. Well, what does it enter the public domain? I mean, you don't want people to have picks. Does it matter though? I'm not a million dollars. No, no, maybe not. Yeah. If people, yeah, it doesn't bother. Would you be embarrassed if somebody saw it and they shouldn't? I mean, I don't really. Yeah. It's because you've got a normal one. Send it. That's what I send it. Pat me again. Send one of mine too. Let's send him an extra.

5:13Everybody. It's a bonus way. It's I got paid well by now and good. It's dad got good money for this. The bonus door. I like it. Well, thank you, Pat. It's been on my brain. So I want to. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. Well, I get help out. Yeah. That's why I came in. Yeah. You said I wasn't going to because I got bumped. Yeah. I'm going to come in. I'm like, no, I got to answer some questions. Jamie Foxx told me to send it to him. Good. I'll take his advice, but I want to see what Pat thinks about this. Yeah. Are you? So you told us off the air that you got three kids. At three kids. Divorced. Divorced. You happily divorced. Happily. Yeah. Yeah. You still talk to mom or the mother of your children. I mean, not a lot. No, it ended ugly. I'm only fasting. We're working through it. I mean, really? Yeah. There's, you know, with what I mean, it's not really. It's just is what it is. Yeah. But did you screw up or did she? I think it was just. He just ate it back. I'm a street after a while. I just didn't like each other. But it's like, you know, I have the kids in mind and that's my focus. Yeah. So I don't like. Hey, you're a basher. I'm not exactly right. Just always curious when people say I'm happily divorced. It's validating. Yeah. I'm not looking back like, oh, man, what happened? Yeah.

6:16She's a wrong path. No, I don't think so. I don't even know. See, that's I'm a mutual dissatisfaction. Everybody hates each other evenly. Right. Right. And there's no like animosity. That's the way you're supposed to do it. Yeah. We did old school away. Yeah. That's it. Are you going to get married? We didn't uncouple. We're decoupling. We're going to. We had a conversation with everyone. It's smooth. No, it ain't that. No, you just get out of my house. Exactly. That's kind of it. Are you going to get married again someday? You think? Oh, I don't know. I'm with somebody right now. Okay. And you know, we're we are kind of serious. No pressures. No pressure. Not at all. She's in the same situation. She got divorced. She's divorced. And it's long distance. So right now it's not perfect. No. We are getting serious. Like because like our texts have like changed. That's when you know. Oh, yeah. When the because I used to get like picks or links. Like, hey, we should go here. Now I'm getting like reels on how to be a better listener now. Yeah. How to be a accountant. There it goes. You are. You are a very serious

7:18relationship. Yeah. Didn't see that happen. It happened to you. It didn't happen because of you. The tone. You didn't take the trash out. Are you a bad listener? No, I'm I think I'm a decent listener. And didn't you hear my question? I didn't ask you that. Come on, Pat. Play along. It is tough to be an active listener. Isn't it brutal? That is the parenting thing. Yeah. You had to be especially because their stories are so terrible. Oh, man. I mean, yeah. Who wants to hear about Glenda anymore? Are we okay? We all agree? You don't like her. It's enough. Yeah. I need a tight too. I need. Yeah. We always say that a woman needs a tight five. Just come home with a tight five every day. Don't don't don't don't. You're going to splash the light and you're getting off stage. But yeah, the stories are brutal. You got to edit that. Yeah. We're economy. Find it up. Yeah. Is your a current girl that she? I don't want to ask if she's got a tight five because it sounds bad. But she good with the like she, she learned from the divorce. Yeah. I think that's better than herself. It's such a chill, but also like more of a real relationship, you know. Where does she live? She lives in Houston.

8:20Oh, jeez. Chicago to Houston. Chicago to Houston. How often do you see her? Which I'm like, yeah, man, if my wife had lived 2000 miles away from it, we might still be together. It was an awkward pause. Yeah. Wait a minute. What did you do with the body? I sound like Napoleon Dynamite. I have a girlfriend. She doesn't live here though. I have a friend who's got a girlfriend. He lives here and his girlfriend's in DC. Oh, really? They don't see each other hardly at all. And they're the happiest couple I know. Well, we get to see each other quite a bit, you know, every other weekend, just about really what's really great about our situation is that it doesn't bleed over into because she is a couple kids too. Yeah. And I think both of us feel like we don't need to be in their face with our relationship all the time. So it actually kind of works well. How do you pull that off every other weekend? Well, I'm working just about every other weekend because I have my kids half the time. So then we usually meet on the road. And she goes to where is she here this weekend? She is. How about that? So she just opened. Let's bring her in. She's here right now. Come on in.

9:21She's actually with Jamie Foxx, right? Yeah. That'll happen. Yeah. You know, he's good. How about that? So she's just independently wealthy on top of it all? No, not at all. She's traveling all over like that. Yeah, we have. She's not your opener issue. It's not one of those. No, thank you. Oh, no, dude. Oh, thank you. Thank Christ. That's not a comic. Yeah. All right. She's not a, would you ever? No. Comedian women. No. Comedians in general. Well, I just, yeah, that's amazing. Yeah. It's like, you know, kind of separate situation for me. I wouldn't want to be. Is she funny? But I see that. She is funny. Yeah. She's funny. You consider her funny or do you just give it to her? No, she's definitely. I do give it to her. Well, you give it to her. Is that fun? Does she find that amazing? You can laugh. Yeah. That's fun if you're laughing in the middle of it. She got a great sense of humor. I mean, we, we, we, we jived. Does she like your, your, your stuff? Most comedians, girlfriends don't care about anything they do on stage. Yeah. She does. I think she's, you know, she's watches the shows, actually. She goes like ideas and, you know, she really, you know, she kind of helps me like, you know, if I am working new stuff, like that's kind of the phase

10:25I'm in right now. She's like trying to work at the clown nose. Yeah. The juggling. Yeah. But it's like, it's just like, it's a more mature relationship. Yeah. Yeah. It sounds good. You seem happy. Almost 50. So I'm, you're closing on 50. Yeah. A couple months, two months away. Yes. What's what, how are you celebrating? I don't have anything planned to be honest with you. You know, I'm just, but I'll do something. It's more like a, a moment, like a whole, like, you know, is it hitting you at all? Because it, a little bit. I feel it. I got a buddy who just got back from Turkey. He got his hair. He got his hair. Yeah. And I'm like, oh my God, we're at that age. Yeah. Where you've got turns with it twice. Yeah. You got to go twice to Turkey. I just go for like foul. I'm still cheaper. Wait, you go back again. I guess so. I don't give you the road. You've got to go get a second row. Yeah. I didn't know that. That's not worth it. No, no, no, no. And you look terrible for like months. I didn't even look that good. No. I mean, it's, I was saying to him like, dude, I wish I had predicted this in like 1998. But if I had told him, like, hey, we're, we're about to be 50. You're going to go to Turkey twice. Because you're going to

11:28feel really good about yourself. Yeah. And to take the hair from your back and your ass. Oh, does he like real 5,000 holes in your head? Terrible. There's something, something. Check out homeworks morning sickness podcast. Send an IDAKUPD.com. It's John Holberg here from the morning sickness. And I am thrilled to show away from my friends at turf monsters. Turf monsters doesn't just do turf either. They design everything about how you want to live sports golf, pets, entertainment, pergolas, pool stuff, whatever you want. And the quality is incredible. It looks real. That grass. It drains perfectly. There's basically no maintenance, no mud, no grass. A backyard you actually enjoy. If you thought about upgrading your outdoor space, start right there at turfmonstersaz.com. Make your backyard the best room in the house. Check it out. turfmonstersaz.com. Hey, everybody. It's John Holberg and Brent Vesley from the morning sickness. And if you love great sound in your vehicle like we do, you got to check out quality car stereo. These guys are local right here in Mesa and they have some of the greatest sounding equipment in the business.

12:29We're not talking about just louder. We're talking about cleaner, richer, real concert quality sound. Go see them in Mesa or check them out online. Quality car stereoaz.com. Quality car stereo. When you want your ride to sound as good as it looks, trust us. You'll hear the difference immediately. Go to the website right now, qualitycarstereoaz.com. Holmberg's morning sickness. I just keep thinking like, how come there isn't a guy that does this? I live on the south side. In Chicago, we always have a guy. There's a guy, a carpenter. I got a guy. Whenever you're a guy, there's a guy doing this. You're going to Turkey. You want to go to Dan or brains when I just rush. Let's get a drill. Yeah, he's got a hair. No, he's a fireman. He does this on the side. He says, yeah, he's got it. You should run from your back. Your ass. He puts it on there. He went to Turkey and learned it. Yeah, there's always people who have like a day's in room that they do dentistry in. I mean, nobody bats and I at that one, it gets caught. This is a good idea. We should start this. You could make a, it's a side hustle. What's the cost? It's like 10 grand or something for that. It is about, yeah, is it probably just about that?

13:29He has a ball go there. I'm kind of lucky because my head isn't lumpy. You got a great thought. That's what I want to, if I ever buzz it or shave it, that's what I want to do. I think I got it like red patches on my head. I'm Irish. You're worried about that. It is weird. The first time you shave it and you realize this is the way it's going to be, you're hoping that there aren't. Dan, you see people who have shaved heads, they've got like a runway on type, just flat or there's a big bump in the back and it's like aliens or cone heads. Luckily, I got a decent skull. I don't want the hair. I'm glad I don't have hair. I'm one of those ballguys. If I had hair, I think I'd shave it because it's horrible. It's a problem. It's a new shave. A couple of times a week. Nothing major. It's not like you got a blade. You just razor it off there. You get to the point where your head doesn't even care. You're right. You're driving. Yeah, I can do it. I can do it right now. I've got times that you're fine. The hair thing is such, it's such a gift to not have it. I'm nine minutes away from leaving at all times. Yeah. At the drop of a hat, I can go,

14:32it's suit, you know, I've played basketball. I never have to, like somebody says, let's go. I'm nine minutes delivered. That's a bass feeling. We just get up and go. Look, I'm near that when I just get a haircut. It's a little easier to manage, but you ever dry shampoo? I don't look around like that. That was it. You just looked at like we're crippled. They can't walk on that. It's not you take your head off. It's so full round. Yeah, see, he's got a full head. Have you ever used that stuff, though? It's kind of a miracle. No, it works. I'm not to try that dry shampoo. No pet. What are you asking for? I don't know. He's still convinced he's got hair. Yeah, it's just breaking. You know, like your hair's like mad at down and laying down. It works. Bring some life to it. Yeah, I've a rejuvenates. Why would I hear about that? Well, I mean, you could know about it. Yeah, I didn't know. You know, said you play hoops. I play a little basketball here in there. I got to play all the time now. I got it. Yeah, I got a basketball court in my backyard. I play all by myself pretty much every day. Oh, man, it's awesome. I'll come. You want to come over?

15:34Hey, pack you want to come over? Love hoops. Everybody's golfing. Yeah, you know, it's like I can't stand that golf. It takes you losing equipment while you're playing, too. People forget that, you know, that just happened in basketball. You don't take a shot in basketball. Hey, anyone see where that went? Balls in the water. We've got to get another one out of the back. We got another ball in the back. Let me grab it. It's true. We're good at this. It is really weird that you will actually have things in the game and they're expensive. It's not like you're shooting two cent balls out there. It's like 45 bucks for 12 of them. Yeah. And you just fire them all over and then you get another case. That's the most expensive hobby in the world that nobody ever really gets good enough to. There's no ROI on this. Yeah, I don't know if anyone's doing this to the most expensive sports. It was. Oh, it's got a hockey. It's got to be a hockey lacrosse. Yeah, it's you know, F1 took the crown. Oh, yeah, that's not something. Yeah, hobby. None of us have no F1 cars on the weekend. Are you good at basketball? Yeah, I'm pretty good. I mean, I don't really play anymore. Now I'm coaching. Oh, my kids. Kids coach. Yeah, and I just wrapped like dude, I always had my daughter season. Yeah. And then right into my

16:35two boys, I was coaching each of them. My one guy's on a B team, which is dude. That's the best. What's that? A B team like the second, like they like the second level. Yeah. And then because they have so many kids going out. Oh, I see. Okay. So the B team, like these kids, first, did you and you run it on you? They don't care. They're running the wrong way. Come in, every day and work on their half court shots. That's what they come in. I know I show work on a day. I should launch one from here. I should travel first as I run up into the shot. Are you coaching that team? Yeah, coaching you've quit on the B team also. You just let them practice. Let's work on some life skills. Yeah, going in there. The B team. I'm the baseline. We're gonna work on eye contact. Firm handshakes today. Yeah. I've interviewed skills. Exactly. They really need the, um, uh, is it sad as a father when your kids on the B team? Not really. Yeah. It is a little, but there's going to be one kid that, you know, can be NBA star. Right. Right. Why? They think they are. Yeah. Everybody thinks. Yeah.

17:36I'm 53. I still think I might have a chance. Some days I'm back there. I'm like, I'm on fire. My son who's on the B team, he is athletic and coordinated, um, compared to the others. I mean, I think he's like, it's just right in there, you know, but, um, it is funny. The, the, you know, the difference, you know, the A team, even like the, the head coach of the A team, he comes in practice plan. Very, you know, the kids are ready. They have their shoes on a bag. The other kids come in off the street slush on their shoes. Just, you know, untied. Yeah. The coach is showing up three minutes after the start of practice time. And he's, you know, was in a hole or laid back like a hard labor guy just showing up with dirt on his face. Like, all right. What are we doing? It's like, they should do it 30 for 30. They should, there should be a small, short documentary on this seventh grade. The B team, like a hard next. I was in eighth grade. I was on the A team of the basketball team. I was very excited. And then during practice, I got really sick, like really sick. And I have sweatpants on

18:40repraction outside. And I had sweatpants on. And I thought I would just let a little air out. And I have pooping right there at the practice. And I tried to keep practice going. Cause I was, you know, things were going well. And then I went back to the locker room and then came back two days later, not sick anymore. And I was off the team. I thought, no one noticed everyone knew. And I was no longer like allowed on the team. I was, I was no longer the, nobody wanted to play. That was it. I had, I had taken it. And my pants had, uh, elastic at the ankles. And it was collecting in the bottom. Oh my god. It was, yeah. So my, I was on the B team too. But I was like the best one. And nobody cared. Cause it's like, we are not putting him on the AT. He's gonna crap his pants again. Yeah. That's what I'm known for. We hired a guard. It was, it was, it was, it was, it was separation. Open lane. Open lane. I was getting all the shots. Wide open shot. If you just take a dump and, and we would come over and play basketball, I'll show you my method. Yeah. Yeah. I'll kill you. You're not even gonna come close to you. I know. I know you're saying to play by yourself. Yeah. I like to post up on guys when I do that. And just, you know, I like the old fashioned game. Uh, Pat McGahn is at the Tempe improv tonight.

19:45Tomorrow and Sunday. If you want to go Tempe improv, dot com, uh, Pat, leave us with words of wisdom. Solve the world's problems. Please. You're in charge. Oh man. I mean, I, I feel like this is what I'm doing. My kids right now get out. Go into the world. Yeah. That's always this our last hope. You know, we're not interacting enough. I always, that's why I say to my kids because they're always like the a act like they're gonna do stuff. They're like, let's go. Do they do anything? They don't go anywhere. Yeah. You know, and I try and get them going. Like, yeah, let's go grab some dinner. Like, can't you just pick it up? Then I come home. Like, hey, Chick-fil-A. Let's go. Let's go. Like, no, let's went. I went. You didn't go. But you, I'm trying to do get them out in the world. Yeah. You know, what's the end goal with that? Because I like to just for them to realize there's other people. Yeah. You know, we think they're going to like that. I don't know. I hope so. I don't think they are. I think our generation. I still like to go to the store. I go to the bank. I'll even go to the post office sometimes. This still post offices. Yeah. Tell me about this. They're across from my hotel. You got to sound happy. Yeah. And I make my kids go with me. And

20:46that like pisses them off. Yeah. Like, can't you just order online? Get a ship there. Like, no, we're going. Oh, it's terrible. It's going to suck. You're going to feel it. Do you make them ride horses to the post office? This is terrible waiting in line. And people are going to cut in front of us. Oh, we're going to get some road rage. You're going to raise crazy people. We're going to get the finger. And we're going to give the finger. I don't think people are going to need each other in there. Now, make your sweater. Convenience will get rid of all of us. Yeah. I think. And then the sexual violence or what happens? I don't know. And then we're taken over by the robots. I think the bots. AI and the bots are coming. They're here. They're here. And they're, again, the best phrase I've ever heard is it's not going to knock. It's just coming in. And that's what's, and I'm kind of, I'm kind of one of those people that's, I'm, I'm not fighting it. I accept our new overlords. They just haven't made their announcement. I'm going to bow down to them and do that. Yeah. Completely willing to be a slave. I will not fight back. They're going to be smarter than us faster, better. Everything's going to be good. Fighting them's pointless. You think everyone's going to have one? Yes. That's what I worry about. Like,

21:47the worst people we know, like, they're just going to have a robot that helps them be more terrible. That is true. It's going to, it'll actually accentuate the assholes gift of anti-social everything because it'll be worse. Yeah. I look forward to it. That's going to be interesting. It's going to happen quickly, right? In our lifetime, in the next five years or so, yeah, bots will be in your house. Oh my gosh. I think. I'm pretty sure that pretty much is going to be like the robot and Rocky IV. I always picture him like that. I remember when you had that. But all of us loved it. Yeah. There wasn't a kid in this. There wasn't a kid in the theater that way. Well, that's just the damn full of all of us, isn't it? We all wanted that robot. Serving poly drinks. Oh, yeah. Oh, poly was kind of trying to bang it though. He did get it. Yeah. I don't love with it. Which is getting back. The truth of it is. Yeah. She loved me back. The truth of it is, that's what robots are going to be for. Yeah. The sex and internet. That's it. They're going to be knowledgeable sex slaves. They're really kind of prey on our lowest common. Yeah. Like our primal.

22:50Once porn gets hold of all this stuff and build sex bots that we're done. Yeah. Yeah. I don't believe it. And I welcome that the future. They already have the prototypes already there. No, yeah. I love it. And while your kids are out and you guys are running around in the grass at a park somewhere, I'm going to be nailing that box of bolts. Having the time of my life, not having door dash and me and my bolt wife will be fine. I'm Rosie and I are going to live. But I'm happy for you when your kids get out. Thank you, man. I promise I'll never get in your way. I'll never be. It's time you come in. He's like, I'm Donald Sam. I'm having a tough time. My chick blew a screw. Yeah. That's all right. I'll just get. I'll go to Home Depot and fix her. Yeah. I'll take her over to the next plot. The genius bar or something and get them to work on it. Raddle rattles undercladder, boom, boom, boom. And this would be about your sex spot. Bring her in for a tune up. You get to get her oiled up. Yeah. Probably. I don't know what man. A lot of loot. Old fashioned servos. I'm going to put in there and I got a tin man. But I'll do it. Pat McGahn, Tempia was good to see you, man. Thanks for coming to you guys. I need to pay you.

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