Your Hope-Filled Perspective with Dr. Michelle Ben... - How to Learn from the Proverbs 31 Woman Instead of Feeling Shame

0:00I'm Christi Graham, host of On the Ground with Samaritan's Purse, and I recently interviewed one of our pilots whose plane was hijacked in Africa. I encouraged myself with that reality. That at some point, this is going to end in two hours. It'll end good if I'm on the ground somewhere walking around with the testimony. It'll end great if he pulls the trigger for me. It will end great. That day, Jim, experienced the power of prayer and witnessed just how mighty the name of Jesus is. If you want to hear this full story, tune in at Samaritan's Purse.org slash listen. Life audio. Have you ever met someone who's so impressive that you instantly think, yeah, I'm not doing enough in my life? I feel that way when someone casually mentions that they ran a marathon or baked fresh sourdough bread and taught their toddler how to read all before noon. That's how a lot of us feel when we meet the proverbs 31 woman. She's the biblical overachiever who makes the rest of us want to hide behind our laundry piles.

1:03She's up before dawn. She's running a business. She's serving the community. She's investing. She's so enclosed. Meanwhile, I'm celebrating if I remember to move the clothes from the washer to the dryer before they milled it. For years, she's kind of intimidated us. She's been quoted at women's conferences printed on coffee mugs and held up as the gold standard for biblical womenhood. And somewhere along the way, many of us started to wonder, is this who I'm supposed to be? And if so, how? But here's the problem. We've read her story as a checklist instead of a celebration, as a pressure instead of a poem. And what if just go with me here? She's not actually here to exhaust us and shame us. What if she's here to equip us? What if this isn't a picture of a perfect woman doing everything flawlessly, but a picture of what God can grow in a woman over our lifetime? If you've ever felt overwhelmed by the proverbs 31 woman or maybe even

2:07avoided her, today's conversation is for you. We are talking about why she scares us, why she inspires us and how to live out her wisdom without losing her mind. In recognition of international women's day, today we are going to talk about how to learn from the proverbs 31 woman instead of feeling shame. Welcome to your hope field perspective where it's always our goal to restore hope, renew minds, and empower listeners to live in your God-given identity. I'm your host, Dr. Michelle Bankson, board certified clinical neuropsychologist, author, speaker, and companion on your journey to emotional and spiritual wellness. I'm always thankful when you choose to spend a few minutes of your week with us. Today we are going to talk about the proverbs 31 woman who is so loved, yet so avoided, and how we can be inspired by her without losing our minds. We will talk about how to learn from the proverbs 31 woman instead of feeling shame. That will be our conversation

3:13right after this pre-forward from our sponsor. I'm Kristi Graham, host of On the Ground with Samaritan's Purse, and I recently interviewed one of our pilots whose plane was hijacked in Africa. I encouraged myself with that reality that at some point this is going to end in two hours. It'll end good if I'm on the ground somewhere walking around with the testimony. It'll end great if he pulls the trigger for me. It will end great. That day, Jim, experienced the power of prayer and witnessed just how mighty the name of Jesus is. If you want to hear this full story, tune in at Samaritan's Purse.org slash listen. Welcome back. Today we are diving into a message that can make women everywhere, either want to grab a journal and praise the Lord or crawl into a closet and hide in shame. She's the woman who wakes up before done, runs a business, takes care of her kids, feeds the poor, respects her husband, handles investments, so close, and apparently never gets tired ever.

4:14In honor of International Women's Day, we are going to discuss how to learn from the proverbs 31 woman instead of feeling shame. Scripture reminds us in proverbs 31 verse 29, many women do noble things, but you surpass them all. Joining me in this discussion today is my co-host Jessica Van Ruckel. Let's start with the obvious. Why does she rub us the wrong way sometimes? Well, honestly, it feels like an impossible standard. Who is that person? She's the spiritual version of a Pinterest mom mixed with CEO and Mother Teresa. I'm sorry, I can't be all those three things at the same time. Like, I have Pinterest boards that I'd like to attain to you, but I can't and I don't. And I'm not a great CEO and Mother Teresa depends on the day. I make the Pinterest boards and then I forget how to access them, so it's not even good to happen here. I love it. Although this morning, I did transfer the laundry to the dryer before

5:20you and I pressed record. So I got a algae tree confessions here of a non-proverbs 31 woman. I forgot about about a load of towels for 72 hours. And when I opened the washing machine, this stench that greeted me was just like, oh, I can't believe I forgot this. And listen, I walk by my washer and dryer multiple times a day because it's on my way out of the house. It's in our mudroom. And I'm like, how did I forget? So there I did restart the washer, dump a bunch of ammonia in there. That's Pinterest mom trick number one, ammonia gets rid of any smells in your washer, rewashed them and told my family, do not let me forget the towels again. Yeah, you know, you read about the proverbs 31 woman and you think, I'm just trying to get my laundry like you from the washer to the dryer before it's soures. And yet she's over here buying fields

6:21and planting vineyards not to mention she's up before dawn. I no longer get up before dawn. And listen, emergency or I have to get to flight. I don't even really want to be up before I ban my coffee. I know it's it's almost like I'll be awake, but it takes a good 30, 45 minutes before my brain wakes up. So it's best. If no one asks me deep theological questions or I have to be on time. No, not on time, but on in the brain at that early in the morning. But for many women, this patch of passage has been used as a checklist. Yeah. It's a measuring stick. And sometimes it feels like a pressure cooker. I was in Bible college a few decades ago. I'd like say a few years ago, but that's not true. It's a few decades ago. And it was a Bible college and they had open dorms where guys could come into the girls's dorm rooms and and girls could go visit the guys's dorm rooms. And so I went over to visit a friend guy friend and I walked into his room and he had his Bible open on his desk to the proverbs 31 chapter. And I backed out of that room

7:28so fast. It was like my pants were on fire. The proverbs 31 woman intimidated me. Okay, so here's my question to that. Do you think he had it open to the proverbs 31 because he knew you were coming over? I mean, was that like a subliminal message? Hey, here's what I expected out of my future wife. I mean, I know that's funny. I really don't think so because, you know, he pretty much invited any girl walking by his room to come in and see what was on his desk. Maybe that's because most women bolted because they couldn't live up to the standard he had open for them. That's exactly right. We have heard sermons that sound like real women do all of this all the time and with a smile. It's a little bit like Chick-fil-A. It's my pleasure. And yet most of us end up feeling like we're failing at biblical womenhood. And that sense of

8:28failure, oh my goodness, we experience it for so many things already. I mean, as a mother, how many times have we done things that we've had to repent for? Are we regret? And in business, you learn by making mistakes, but then to know that there is this biblical picture of the perfect woman, it does kind of set us up for feelings of failure. It it really does. It's it's one of those things where I like to when I was homeschooling my kids, I wanted to set them up for success. So while I had high standards for them, they weren't impossible. I knew that they could reach them with a little bit of encouragement, with a little bit of growth, with a little bit of maturity. And that's I think part of the reason why we've resisted the Proverbs 31 woman is because we've misunderstood her. We've misunderstood the meaning behind that passage in Proverbs. We've made her

9:30into a standard we're supposed to copy. Yeah. Instead of a picture of wisdom lived out in a variety of ways over a course of a lifetime. I think that's important for us to delve into deeper because if we misunderstood her, then we don't know what proper perspective we have. And I want to talk about that more after this brief word from our sponsor. We'll be right back. I'm Kristi Graham, host of On the Ground with Samaritan's Purse. And I recently interviewed one of our pilots whose plane was hijacked in Africa. I encouraged myself with that reality that at some point, this is going to end in two hours. It'll end good if I'm on the ground somewhere walking around with the testimony. It'll end great if he pulls the trigger. For me, it will end great. That day, Jim, experienced the power of prayer and witnessed just how mighty the name of Jesus is. If you want to hear this full story, tune in at Samaritan's Purse.org slash listen.

10:32Welcome back to your hope filled perspective. Today we are talking about how to learn from the Proverbs 31 woman instead of feeling shame. Here's the twist about the Proverbs 31 woman. She's actually incredibly inspiring because this passage isn't about perfection. We feel like it is, but that's our feeling. That's not the truth. It's actually a portrait of character, not a job description. What is beautiful is that her life is rooted in the fear of the Lord. And that's the anchor and the heart of the whole poem. I love that you brought up that fear of the Lord. So often we as Christ followers misunderstand the fear of the Lord. It's not I'm afraid of God that he's going to come down with a hammer, but that fear of the Lord is that deep awe of who he is and what he's accomplished in our lives in the Cross that Jesus died on. And so

11:35when we look at the Proverbs 31 through that lens, we discover that she's strong. She's compassionate. She's wise. She's resourceful and dignified. She laughs at the future, which means she's walking in confidence and not anxiety. Yeah. Imagine how many times does anxiety show up in our days, our weeks, our months. And we feel like we're walking on stills shaky. We could fall at any time. And yet Proverbs 31 woman models how to laugh at the future. It's that fear of the Lord. It's honoring him above all else and understanding his place as ruler in her life. That's what creates a confident woman. One of the things that I appreciate about her, I have a very high standard for striving for excellence. And I think that's what the Proverbs 31 woman exemplifies. She did

12:37all those things as unto the Lord. And when we do it as unto the Lord, we should want to aim for excellence. But there's something else to consider. Proverbs 31 versus 10 through 31 was written really as a celebration. This isn't God laying out the requirements for biblical womenhood. This is a husband bragging on his wife and then mother teaching her son what it is to value a woman. And the unique gifts and offerings that she brings not just to that relationship but to the household. Yeah. And you have two sons and I have a son. And I can think I can speak for both of us. But our greatest desire is is for the woman that our sons marry is to be a woman whose heart beats for God. Yes. And that's how the Proverbs 31 woman inspires us because she's

13:38actually showing us what it looks like when a woman lives fully into her God-given identity and gifts. She does it with joy, creativity and strength. And I find that encouraging and inspiring in my own day-to-day life. Well, and you're so right about her pursuit of the Lord. One of my prayers for both of my boys since before they were born was that even then God would be preparing the woman who would be his perfect match for each of them who loved the Lord, who pursued the Lord, who wanted to get to know and be more like the Lord. And I have one son who's married and that's one of the most beautiful things about my daughter-in-law. Our conversations, her prayer requests reflect her pursuit of God above all else. One of the most

14:40helpful things for me was realizing this passage is an acrostic poem. Every verse starts with a different letter of the Hebrew alphabet. It's basically, if we want to sum it up, it's the A disease of a wise woman. And it's poetic, but not literal. And I think that's where so many of us get off track because we read it as a literal to-do list to be approved by God and others. But no woman is doing or can do all these things at once. So basically, this passage about the Proverbs 31 woman, it's just scribing a life of faithfulness, not a single day of the week. And I don't know about you, but that makes me feel so much relief. It's like, oh, I have my whole life ahead of me. And I don't have to so close by a vineyard, manage my household perfectly all in one day. There's freedom to make mistakes. There's freedom to grow. There's freedom to

15:45to settle into a life lived for God, 100%. It's also, and this is important to remember that culturally, this was a, this is a picture of a community-oriented woman in an ancient household economy. Like, when I served with royal family kids camp, the role of a mom was split up between a number of people. There was your camp counselors who spent, who guided the campers through the week. There were the cooks. There was the activity coordinator. There was the spiritual leader. And the first year I served, I came back home and thought, wow, I'm really failing as a mom, because I cannot, how I poured into those students as just their counselor. Like, I can't do that. With my kids, I'm a terrible mom. And then I realized, wait a minute, I'm a cook. I'm a chauffeur. I'm the washer of clothes. I'm the teacher. Yes. And, and I'm the caretaker. And so this

16:46ancient Proverbs 31 woman had a whole team behind her. She had extended families. She had servants. She had workers. It wasn't just her alone meal prepping for a family of six. And I look at the attributes of the Proverbs 31 woman. And I've done many of those things, not all. I've never purchased a vineyard or sewn the seeds for the vineyard. But, you know, I've done a lot of those things, owning a business and washing and all, all those things, but not all at the same time. And I think what is so key is that we remember her heart of faithfulness to God. So I suspect if the author had gone more in depth, we would have seen that truly what this passage is, is a reflection of her obedience to what the father was telling her in the moment. But where we miss the complete picture is that it doesn't also tell us when she screamed at her

17:52child and had to ask forgiveness or when she had to repent because she was one shekel shy of the cost for the produce. I'm sure we know that there was only one who was ever perfect. And it was our Lord Jesus. So there were areas that she made mistakes, but it was a reflection of where her heart was. But we tend to feel the pressure to replicate every detail. Well, fortunately, that can melt away when we understand the context. So just how do you think understanding that this poem is reflecting a faithful woman of God changes how you relate to her? Well, she no longer seems like an enemy or someone to be jealous of or someone to compare myself to referring back to. We all have someone in our real life that that seems to accomplish like everything like she's got hands of gold. She's got that might as touch where whatever she does turns to gold. And frankly,

18:57I'm I'm kind of a mess. I I struggle with staying on top of the household tasks and balancing the checkbook. Do I really have to do that? Yeah. But knowing that this Proverbs 31 woman is really a picture of a faithful woman helps me breathe a sigh of relief. Like I don't have to be her all the time. It's not a litmus test for a woman who pleases God. Yeah. It's it's literally just an encouragement. It's like for me. Now it's like when I read Hebrews 11, the hall of faith chapter, I'm encouraged by those who've gone before me to live a life of faith. Knowing now that this passage about the Proverbs 31 is a picture of a faithful woman, she's now encouraging to me instead of someone that I feel shame by because I can't meet all of those standards all at once. Yeah.

20:01How about for you? Has it changed things for you? It does in that I can get overwhelmed when I feel like there's too much on my plate that I'm the only one who can manage or be responsible for those items. And then I can overextend myself and get a bad attitude. So the Proverbs 31 woman helps me reorient that attitude and want to do things out of service to the Lord and others. But I want to be about the things that God wants me to do each day. Scripture says man makes his plans, but God orders his steps. I think too often I get stuck trying to follow my plan when God has something totally different for me to do. Maybe I need to get stuck behind a slow car in traffic because God wants me to have a specific conversation with a woman at the

21:02grocery store who I wouldn't have encountered and I not had that momentary delay. And so I really look at the Proverbs 31 woman and think I want a heart like hers. But what we don't read in Scripture is that she grumbled and complained her way through it. And just we have so many modern conveniences. Our life is easy compared to the women of her time who had to hike who knows how long on dusty roads in the heat to go retrieve water. I just flip my tap on and sometimes I complain because it's not cold enough. So I know and I don't have to get a scrub board out and scrub my clothes. My washing machine doesn't form me and then go hang them up to dry and then have to rewash them because the dust has blown in and gotten them dirty again. Our lives really are so good. And it reminds me of that saying that someone would be grateful for the life that you have.

22:09Yet in our society we have a tendency to focus on that destination. We will have arrived when. And sometimes I can forget to thank God that he's answered my prayer. It's kind of like, okay, he answered it. Let's move on. Yep, yep. But I think about that Proverbs 31 women who really was dependent on God to supply all her needs. And so I try to look at her more as someone who gave back to the Lord out of gratitude. Wow. That is profound because you just said something that really convicted me. How often do I pray for something? And I barely recognize when God answers. Or how often do I get what I want? But complain or wish I'd gotten something different. And so to wrap the Proverbs 31 woman into this layer of gratitude,

23:10yeah, makes her seem so much more approachable, so much more approachable. It makes her seem so much more beautiful. I love to be around people who have a positive spirit, who are grateful, who are content. That's probably the other biggest challenge to me from the Proverbs 31 woman is to learn how to be content where I am. Friends, we're going to take a real short break for the a brief word from our sponsor, but I want you to stick with us to hear how we can learn from the Proverbs 31 woman instead of feeling shame that we're not measuring it. We'll continue this conversation right after this brief break. I'm Kristi Graham, host of On the Ground with Samaritan's Purse, and I recently interviewed one of our pilots whose plane was hijacked in Africa. I encouraged myself with that reality that at some point this is going to end in two hours. It'll end good if I'm on the ground somewhere walking around with the testimony. It'll end great if he

24:11pulls the trigger. For me, it will end great. That day, Jim, experienced the power of prayer and witnessed just how mighty the name of Jesus is. If you want to hear this full story, tune in at Samaritan's Purse.org slash listen. Welcome back. Before the break, we talked about how the Proverbs 31 woman can make us feel shame because we feel like we don't and can't measure up to this standard, but how it's really a poem describing a faithful woman. So I want to in turn look at some practical ways that we can actually be inspired by her. I think that's important because to switch our view of her is just step one, step two is how we can learn from her. And the first step is really to start with the fear of the Lord. Verse 30 states that clearly charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

25:15Like I mentioned earlier, fearing the Lord isn't being scared of him. It's holding him in higher esteem than anything or anyone else. We can start looking for our identity and confidence in what we do or produce, but we just start looking like chickens pecking the ground and running round aimlessly. We grow exhausted and completely oblivious to any enemy stalking us. I live in the country and we have coyotes that live just over the hill. And when I had chickens, I lost some and I looked at chickens. They pay no attention to their surroundings. They're literally always just pecking the ground chasing the next tasty meal and God showed me a picture because that's what you look like when you're chasing success or confidence in anything else but me. Your prime suspect for the enemy. I was like, oh, I don't want to be a chicken. Yeah. So then I started really diving into what it means to fear the Lord in the fact that I'm

26:16going to place him in the highest place of priority in my life. And shame is a tactic. The enemy uses and we fall for it so easily. Jessica, you and I have done other episodes about how to recover from shame because shame comes especially when we make success or approval or accumulating things are motivation. But our value doesn't come from productivity or perfection. It comes from those moments of intimacy with God. So if we start there, everything else flows out of our relationship with him. So good. Secondly, it's important to identify your season. Proverbs 31, women didn't do all of that in one season of her life. There were years where she was raising young kids, years where she was planting those vineyards and years when she was investing. So it's important to ask ourselves, what is God calling me to be faithful with right now? Not everything. Not your

27:2220 year plan. Just today's assignment. Just today. Yeah. Third, use your gifts. Not hers. Some of you are business minded. And some of you are creatives. Others are very nurturing souls. Still others are leaders. And some are behind the scenes, geniuses. God doesn't call you to be a carbon copy of an ancient Hebrew woman. He called you to bring your gifts to your family community and the world. Yes. That's so good to remember that we are all blessed and given with gifts for the benefit of others. I love that. We don't have to be copies of each other. It's a beautiful realization. Fourth, let go of the hustle culture. That hustle culture will only wear us out. The Proverbs 31 woman is active. She's not frantic. Her strength doesn't come from always working. It comes from

28:23wisdom and peace. You see, God doesn't call us to burn out. He calls us to faithfulness, boundaries and rest. Oh, isn't it interesting how so many of our conversations come back to boundaries and rest? Yes. It's almost like God prioritizes that or something. You know, it does. And we changed this unrealistic version of the Proverbs 31 woman that we've built up in our own minds. Some racist celebrate progress, not perfection. Like we mentioned before the break, I don't think the Proverbs 31 woman was perfect. Jesus was the only perfect soul who's ever lived. And this passage in Proverbs is a poem describing a woman over the course of her life. It's not a checklist. It's really more of a blessing list because it shows what God can cultivate in us over our lifetime. We don't need to be all of her today because God shapes us day by day.

29:28Absolutely. And sixth, embrace community. Proverbs 31 woman didn't do life alone. Yeah. And neither should we build friendships lean on your church family. The Proverbs 31 life is impossible to do alone and will induce shame if we're isolated. Proverbs 31 woman becomes a beautiful expression of a faithful woman when we're supported by community. Friends, if you have ever felt intimidated like Jess and I have because of the Proverbs 31 woman, we want you to hear this. She is not here to shame you. She's here to inspire you because God delights in the strength, creativity, courage and wisdom. He's placed inside you. You don't need to become her overnight. You simply need to walk with God in your season using your gifts and trusting his direction one step at a time. Faithfulness isn't flashy. It's steady progress

30:32in the same direction. Just as we close out this episode of a listener of viewers resonating with our conversation, what fulfilled perspective do you want to leave them with? I would like to encourage you that you are doing well. There's that parable that Jesus shares about those servants who were given an opportunity. And when the master came back, he said, well done, good and faithful servant. And I want you to know that your efforts are good enough, that your faithfulness, our good is good enough. It's your faithfulness that produces well done, good and faithful servant. Look to the Proverbs 31 woman, not as a list of everything that you're doing wrong, but as an inspiration of a living a life of faithfulness to our God. I'd like to pray for us today, if I can. Heavenly Father, thank you so very much that you've given us all the tools that we need to live life. And yet, Lord, you call us to depend on you to

31:39not do it in our own strength. Lord, forgive us for thinking that we have to generate all of this perfection in our own. In fact, you don't even call us to be perfect. You call us to completion. Lord, you desire to complete us. So, Lord, let us take a step back from the striving and the chasing after the standard that doesn't even exist. And Lord, let us look to you to live a life of faith. Let us look to the Proverbs 31 woman as a celebration of a faithful woman who lives her life for you. Lord, we pray and we praise you for what you're doing in our lives. In Jesus' name, we pray. Amen. Amen. Friends, I hope that today's episode gave you pause to perhaps consider the Proverbs 31 woman in a different light. Let her be an encouragement to you. Let her be a reminder to you of the seasons that God brings you through. Let her be a motivation to you to do things with a

32:43glad heart, not a grumbling spirit, and to do as unto the Lord. If there was something in today's episode that resonated with you or you know someone who you think would benefit, would you please share this with them so that they have a biblically based hope-filled perspective and maybe even consider in your group of friends listening to this episode together and talking about misconceptions you've had about the Proverbs 31 woman and how she can be an inspiration to you. I'd like forward to being with you again next week for another biblically based hope-filled perspective. But until then, it's my prayer for you that you have a hope-filled week. Are you or your group looking for a speaker for your next event or gathering? Nothing delights Dr. Michelle Langson more than connecting with her audiences and sharing from her professional expertise and personal experience to champion others in their journey. She has spoken on a wide variety of topics including hope prevails, living the abundant life

33:45Christ came to give the hem of his garment, reaching out to God when pain overwhelms Victor, not a victim, grit yourself of the poisonous shame and self defeat in your life, walking in the truth of our identity, hope for the silent epidemic, understanding depression in children and teens, and breaking anxiety's grip how to reclaim the peace God promises. Dr. Langson is willing to tailor a message specifically to your group or event. Past audiences have included 100 Huntly Street, Life Today, the American Association of Christian Counselors, Gateway Church, Roaring Lams, and Fellowship of Professional Women to Name Few. Dr. Langson is now accepting invitations for speaking engagements. For more information or to contact Dr. Langson to speak at your event, reach out to our staff at info at drmeshellb.com. Thank you for joining Dr. Langson for your hope-filled perspective. We hope you were encouraged by her authenticity, vulnerability, and biblical truths.

34:48If you enjoyed today's conversation, won't you take a moment right now? Open up your podcast app and look to the subscribe button right next to our podcast profile image. We think this podcast is best enjoyed with friends, so tell a friend and click share in your podcast app and send a friend or link to share hope with them. If you have a comment, question, or suggest a topic for a future show, reach out to our staff at info at hopeprevails.org. For additional resources, information about Dr. Langson's books, where free downloads, or to contact her to speak at your next event, please visit drmeshellb.com. Until next time, may you have a hope-filled week. I'd like to take just a second to thank the team at Life Audio for their partnership with us on this podcast. If you go to lifeaudio.com, you'll find dozens of other faith-centered podcasts in their network. They've got shows about prayer, Bible study, parenting, and more.

35:49Ever walked away from a conversation thinking, wow, now that was exactly what I needed. Hey, I'm Donna Jones, host of the That's Just What I Needed podcast. Each week, we have great conversations about life, faith, and how we can know, love and follow God in our everyday lives. Listen and follow at lifeaudio.com or on your favorite podcast app. Can't wait for you to join me.