Your Demand for Validation Has Been Denied

Posting this out of order because it’s that good, and I wanted to get it out ASAP. Many thanks to Freddie deBoer for joining me today, and sharing his common sense, straightforward wisdom with me and my audience!This episode was inspired by his April 27th Substack, Nobody Walks Around Feeling Valid, which I loved, and you should read if you haven’t already. There is so much in there to think about, but was what made me realize I wanted to do a show for my audience of mostly parents of school and college-aged kids:

“The first and most obvious point is that nobody knows what it means to be “valid.” It’s entirely unclear to me what the boundaries are for this notion of validity, which is not true for more durable concepts like happiness. To be “valid” means whatever people find convenient at the time, making the condition a moving target. And if we recognize “happiness” as the simplest expression of the emotional state humans desire, there’s an essential way in which being happy is very different from being valid: happiness can come from within, at least theoretically, but being valid always implies some sort of exterior criteria.” [Emphasis mine]

Now consider the self-esteem movement pushed into schools, and then the anti-bullying campaigns, and finally, Social Emotional Learning programs, or SEL…What are we teaching our kids, and more to the point, WHY?! Does it make any sense at all, or are we not only in denial about our true nature as humans, but hurting them by forcing them to externalize their self-worth, while at the same time making them feel even worse if they aren’t walking around loving everything about themselves all day?I’m a firm believer in making sure we don’t do anything in our teaching and rearing of kids that isn’t based on evidence that it works, and by “works,” I mean “benefits them.” We should always be gut-checking to make sure we aren’t projecting our wishes, hopes, dreams, fears, and insecurities onto them, never mind using the equivalent of junk-science woo-woo, with a chaser of snake-oil, because it makes us look or feel good to “do something.” Very often, it’s the “doing” of “something” that causes the problems we later want to “do something” more about…Maybe we should step back, take a good long look at reality, and embrace that, even if it’s a little uncomfortable? Just a suggestion.Enjoy the show!

Get full access to The Reason We Learn at thereasonwelearn.substack.com/subscribe

---

Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/debf/support

Get full access to The Reason We Learn at thereasonwelearn.substack.com/subscribe