X Minus One - A Logic Named Joe

0:00Countdown for blast off. X minus 5, 4, 3, 2, X minus 1, fire. From the far horizons of the unknown come transcribed tales of new dimensions in time and space. These are stories of the future, adventures in which you'll live in a million could be years on a thousand maybe worlds. The national broadcasting company in cooperation with street and smith publishers of astounding science fiction presents. X minus 1, 1, 1, 1, 1.

1:10Tonight's story, a logic named Joe by Murray Leinster. It was on the third day of August that Joe came off the assembly line. And on the fourth, Lorraine came into town. And that afternoon, I saved civilization. Lorraine is a blonde I was crazy about once, and Joe is a new 1974 model logic that I've got stored away down in the cellar. And how do I save civilization? You're listening now to a voice from the future. The voice of Frank Caldwell, head service man for the logic's cooperation. Makers of the machine that does everything for you. Well, nearly everything anyway. The electronic logic. In the year we speak 1974, no modern home was completely off one. And the logic sets were working so well that life was soft indeed for a paramount Frank Caldwell.

2:10That is, until that fatal day of August the third, when suddenly the logic's began doing everything for their users and doing it too well. On the third of August, there wasn't much doing. And I'm hanging around the boss's office, smoking up his cigars. Frank, there's a customer outside. Go take care of him, will you? Me, I'm a maintenance man. Mr. Corlanovic wants to have logic's explained to him. Explained? Who has he been on mine? I just moved up from the backwards someplace. Why don't you explain him? Well, I don't feel too well. You were okay, half an hour ago. Are you the boss here or am I? Going out there, will you? Okay, okay. Oh, Mr. Corlanovic. Good morning. My name is Caldwell. Can I help you? Oh, thank you, Mr. Caldwell. This is my little boy, Freddie. Hi, Ed. John! Oh! Freddie. Many times, if I gotta tell you, not the kicked people in the shins. Excuse it, please, Mr. Caldwell. Oh, sure, sure. Just a kid. I got a knife on, could cut you into little pieces. Please, Freddie. We'd like to buy a logic, Mr. Caldwell. The gentleman we spoke to first said he had a leaf in a hurry.

3:13Fix him, man. Well, I understand that you're not acquainted with logic, Mr. Colanovic. That's right. We just moved to the city. My wife, she saw everybody else had a logic, and you know how women are. No, you bet. Well, you can't get along without a logic in this day and age, Mr. Colanovic. Look, I got a snake. You wanna see? And now about the logic. Here, I'll just plug in this one right here. Now, you see, the logic looks kind of like an old-fashioned television set. Only it's got keys instead of dials. Now, a lot of the keys are standard, like the television stations, the news, the stock market quotes, and so on. Of course, if you wanna talk to somebody, you just punch the number of his logic. It's like making an old-fashioned phone call. But there can't be keys for everything. Oh, no, no, no, no. Now, let's say that you wanna ask a question, like what to take for a sore throat, or who won the American League pennant in 1911? You turn on the logic, then you just punch the question key and ask. Like this. Who was the first president of the United States?

4:18George Washington. There you see. But I already knew that. Well, of course, that was just a sample. I got a little store. Will it keep books for me? It will keep your books record your contract, serve as a filing system, and check up on what happened to your lawyer's last client, anything. Hey, there really is something these things. 10,000 services and information sources in one. Read our evidence. What I wanna know, Mr. Cogwell, how do these logic work? Of course. Now, you saw that big building across the street. Sure. Well, that's one of the relay tanks. You see, there are a dozen of them all around the country, and they're all hooked up together. And there's a data plate in one of those tanks for every fact in creation. Anything that you wanna see or hear, you just punch for it, and the logic gives you the answer. Hey, listen. Could I ask this thing how to make dark poisons? How to make what? Dark poisons. Like in Africa. I could shoot the dots from my bean shooter. Maybe. I think maybe we better not get one of these things. Oh, no, no, no. It's perfectly alright, Mr. Cogwell. It's the logic won't tell you that.

5:19I bet it will. I'm gonna try it. Hey, how do you make dark poisons? Public policy forbids this service. Oh, what did you do that for? Kind of some little brat. Because some people might ask things that aren't good for them. Listen, I don't like this here one. I want that one over there. You kid, they're all alike. I want that one. If I can't have that one, I'm gonna hold my breath till I'm dead. I've got a lot of time. It's no use, Mr. Cogwell. Well, you might as well give him the one he wants. But look, kid, there's so much alike that even I can't tell him apart. I can, I want Joe. Joe? Who's Joe? I guess he means the logic, Mr. Cogwell. He has to think up a name to call everything. You should hear some of the names he calls me. Not till I'm 21. I promised mother. Okay, so we call him Joe, but then things are all alike to one ten thousandth of an inch. I don't care. I bet he'll teach me how to make dark poisons. Okay, then. Come on, Joe.

6:31So he keeps yelling, I want that one. I want that one. I'm gonna call him Joe. Mike, I tell you I could have rung his neck. How many cards? I'll draw two. What a holy terror. He had his father scared to death. Too bad that kid ain't mine. A home quick enough who was bossin' the family. Oh, holy smoke. That's a matter. I'm sorry, fellas. I gotta hold up the hand. I just remembered how I got to call my wife. Letter weighed. You ever met my wife? Hey, that's a matter with this thing. Did I get in my house? Mounting new and improved logic service. Your logic is now equipped to give not only consultive, but directive advice. If you want to do something and don't know how to do it, ask your logic. Hey, did you guys hear that? Well, they should have told us about this. Oh, it's just somebody trying to pull a gag. It didn't sound like a gag to me. Maybe the boss decided to add a new logic service. Look, the minute the system starts giving advice, some Joker like you was gonna be asking questions like,

7:31how do I get rid of my wife? Oh, no. The boss knows better than to start anything like that. Yeah, but you heard what the logic just said. Oh, listen, the census circuits will block the question. You don't believe me? Go ahead and try it. Well, anything for a gag. Okay, logic, I got a question for you. How do I get rid of my wife? Service question. Is your wife blonde or brunette? Do you guys hear that? Uh, she's a blonde. Exy-crylo-benitine is a constituent of green shoe polish. Take home a frozen meal containing pea soup. Color the soup with green shoe polish. This poisonous fatal to blonde females only. This fact is a project of logic service. You cannot be convicted of murder. It is improbable that you will be suspected.

8:31The sense preserves. And it's bound to be right. These things can't make a mistake. Well, Mike, don't just stand there. Check the census circuits quick. Oh, we can't get to them. They're all sealed up. It's supposed to be impossible for them to go out of order. Well, they're out of order now. And I got a feeling that some awful things are going to happen. Boss, we've got to do something. The logics have gone nuts. I relaxed. The thing gave a goofy answer once. Maybe it was a joke. But it was an accident. No, forget it. It won't happen again. What makes you so sure? People are going to be trying it. Look, look, it's supposing I wanted to get rid of you, for instance. You don't. How would you collect your paint? I know, but just supposing. Now look, we'll try it. If you want to do something and don't know how, ask your logic. How do I bump off my boss? Mail, fat, bald-headed and 45.

9:35Make some chocolate ice cream containing powdered charcoal in place of half the chocolate. Use hotso brand charcoal. Hotso contains an ingredient. Fatal only to fat, bald-headed meals. This fact is a project of logic services. Now look, Frank, I admit these things have gone a little wacky. But there's nothing to worry about. Nothing to worry about. If this keeps up, what do you bet that we'll have to shut down the company? You're kidding. We can't shut down the company and you know it. Logics have taken the place of everything, but night baseball. We shut them down. We go back to a civilization that we've forgotten how to run. Yes, but boss, there's no telling what they'll do. Listen, you've asked these questions for a gag. Nobody's going to ask them seriously. What you need is a little faith in human nature. Excuse me, it's probably my wife. How do you feel? All right, just fine, sweetheart. What have you been doing? I just called to tell you, Simon. I've got your favorite dessert, beginner. Dessert, what kind? Homemade chocolate ice cream.

10:36Simon, when you paint it, you just don't. What's wrong? Why don't you ask any, Simon? Chocolate ice cream. This can't be happening. This is awful. These logics are dangerous. Have a little faith in human nature. Now, Paul, well, you're the head of the maintenance crew. I'll give you 24 hours to fix these logics or your fire. Now look, boss. What are you standing there for? Get in the service car. Get moving. Get out anywhere. Find out what the logics are up to. And see that you find out before the logics do. Bartender, Bartender, give me a double. Come on up. Last night, I have a little drink, pals. What's the matter, pal? You had a bad day. Excuse me, Blondie. Listen, pal. You got a listen. I got trouble. Bartender, would you get this bar fly off of me? Oh, no, don't say that. I got troubles. How am I going to keep my wife from finding out? I had a couple little drinks.

11:36How am I going to do it, eh? Well, it's Mr. It's a hot day. And I've been driving a car around in a sea. And I've been trying to keep a bank president from having Appleplexy on a kind of his logic. Told him how to rob his own bank. I've been trying to stop six-year-olds from asking, what comes after the bees and the flowers and their fathers from asking how to get a million dollars by tomorrow. I've been tripping over dead bodies so artistically croak that nobody's ever going to find out who'd done it. And all you got on your mind is honey. How am I going to keep my wife from finding out I've been drinking? Drive up. Will you go after logic? My pal, my boy. Where's the logic? Where's that logic? Yeah, right behind you. Here's the nickel. I've got to hear. Yeah. Come on, logical pal. Old pal, be nice. How does the guy keep his wife from finding out he's had a couple little drinks? Answer me, darling. Buy a bottle of franning hair shampoo. It is harmless but contains an ingredient which instantly neutralizes alcohol. One teaspoon for each jigger you have consumed.

12:38Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Got to buy a bottle of... Got to buy a bottle of... What was that again? The person that's right. You'll never remember it as far as the drugstore. I think there's a bottle in the back room. Somebody left it. Oh, my pal. Oh, my boy. No more troubles. You're just showing me ways off. Where is he? I got to picture him back there drinking that shampoo. Yeah. Give me another double. Yeah, I don't know what's worse. That they as low as you are as high as him. Where is he? I know he's here. Where is that bottle? We want, ladies. My husband. I know he's here. Where is he? He's going away. That's him. That's no good. Laugh, I'll show him. Think he's coming home. He's coming home again, Dizzy. Well, I'll teach him. Poor guy. Why, my dear. What is the prize to see you here? Archibald, you're sober. Of course, my love. I am sober as a judge. Then what are you doing in a saloon? Your suspicion means me deeply my love. Let me tell you my dear that I have been conducting a research project

13:40that is going to make us a fortune. I am going to patent sober, a drink that makes happy homes. Look at this blood I called, well, blank. The greatest crime wave in history and we can't even make an arrest. They're all perfect crimes. Thanks to the logic. The sergeant, we're doing our best to find. Well, that's not good enough. You can't find out what's back of this shut down the company. That's the police department, will. Well, nobody is back of it. The logic's run themselves. They picked their own circuits automatically. Are you mean they're doing all this by themselves? Sure. We always knew they could do a lot more things than we knew about. I think they're just trying to be helpful. That's all. That's all. Well, you better make them cut out the tricks. Including this new business they're up to now. What new business? Just started an hour ago. Every time you turn on a logic, it asks your name.

14:42And then it spills out the whole history of your life. What? I haven't heard about that. What's it do that for? You tell me. Go on. Go ahead. Try it. Okay. What is your name? How do you like that? I'm Frank Caldwell. Frank Caldwell. Were you ever called Ducky? Ducky. Wow. I'll lay you off. Will you follow? What if I was? It's been years. Ducky? There is a call for you. Hello, Ducky. Holy cat. Lauren. Hey, let me get a little girl. Gosh, Lauren, where are you? I'm in a hotel. I just got into town. Oh, Ducky wasn't it smart of the logic to find you. The logic? To find me? I asked it out of fine, Ducky. You must have an unlisted number, don't you? I'm not a doctor. I'm not a doctor. I'm not a doctor. I'm a doctor. I'm not a doctor. I'm not a doctor. I'm not a doctor. I'm not a doctor. I'm not a doctor. I'm not a doctor. I'm not a doctor. I'm not a doctor. I'm not a doctor. You're not a doctor.

15:42Well, uh, gee, uh, how have you been, Lauren, since I saw your last? I heard you got married. You won't believe me, Ducky. I know, but I've had four husbands. And I've never loved anybody as much as I love you. You've divorced four husbands? Three. The last one died. Unexpected. Oh, who unexpected it? He did. But the jury acquitted me, Ducky. They knew it was just a little old accident. So now I'm freed in. And we've got lots of things to talk about. You come right on over here, Ducky. Oh, well, Lorraine, I'm, uh, I'm working. You see? And I'll, uh, I'll call you back. It's all right. Here's a kiss. Mm-hmm. That'll have to hold you till you get here. Hold. Oh, my back. What am I going to do? Do like you would tell it me a while ago. Huh? Come yourself. Ducky.

16:42Call on the logic for you, Frank, your wife. Oh, thanks, Mike. Hi, good. Brian, I've been trying to get you for an hour. Where you been? I've been on making calls, honey. Trying to find out what ails these logics. Well, you better find out in the hurry that there's going to be trouble. Nah, nah, look good. Now, just take it easy, huh? Well, you can't let this happen to me. They're asking everybody's name. And when you tell your name, it will drop your whole history. Well, honey, I don't think they're doing that anymore. I think that was just temporary. Well, in the meantime, it's told everybody in the neighborhood all about me. I punched Mr. Hudson's name. She's been now in three times, and she's had Mr. Hudson arrested twice the non-support and wants to beating her up. It'll tell anybody anything. Yeah, but look good. I'll tell him. Well, I do stop these things, and I'm going to leave you. Oh, honey, you don't mean that? I do. If you can't figure out how to keep all five lives out of every logic and count that I'm through, and that's settled then. I can't even budge any of these relay plates.

17:48Me? Isn't there some way we can disconnect them? Nope, there is not. They weren't built to be disconnected. The census circuits were supposed to take care of cutting them off. Nah, see who that's for, Frank. Hello, Ducky Darling. Oh, Lorraine, not again. Ducky Darling, I'm so lonely. Why haven't you come over? Well, I've been busy. Oh, poor Ducky. Look, that's getting married. Gosh, Lorraine, I... What I mean is... Right away, Ducky, you're not busy tonight, are you? Look, Lorraine, I got married. Oh, poor boy, my poor Ducky. Well, we'll just get you out of that. No, no, no, no, no, look, Lorraine. It's all arranged, darling. I'll just call up your wife and have a little talk. No, no, please, Lorraine. I mean, it's nice of you to think of me and all, but... Yeah, you just give me your address in your logic number, darling. I haven't got one. Never mind, Lorraine. The logical find out for me. Lorraine. Hey, Frank, will you get away from that thing and give me a hand?

18:50Yes, Mike, in a minute. First, I've got to call my wife. We've got to get out of town. Oh, Lord, I made a mistake. Frank, you're supposed to be helping Mike. Yeah, I am, boss. I am, but I've got to make this call. Oh, what do I care about your call? President's getting ready to close down the company and declare martial law. Now, for the love of heaven, do so. Yes, boss. I will. I've just got to make this one call before the logic's get on my trail. To assist in solving a special problem of logic service, kindly give the following information if possible. Where does Frank call well live? They got me. I'm through. Look, Gert, will you please not ask any more questions? Frank called well. I told you I was leaving here. Honey, leave me later. Right now, will you pack up yourself and the kids? We've got to get out of here. But what is all this? Are the cops after you are something? Yeah, yeah, that's it. That's it. The cops. Now, get moving, honey. Will you get away from that logic?

19:50But don't you think we ought to hear the police call? 27 and car 31, detailed around up all employees of the logic's company. Use caution. They are suspected of sedition. Holy smoke, the cops are after me. But you just said they were. Car 17, proceed to vicinity of 119 East 7th Street. Child terrorizing neighborhood. Use extreme caution. Child is armed with bean shooter using poison darts. Freddie. Who's Freddie? Something I met once in a horrible nightmare. He wanted a logic that would tell him how to make dot poison. They're all alike, I kept telling him. They're all alike. What are you talking about? Oh, I don't know. Good. All I know is it was a nice world up to yesterday. Now, it's like a guy named Joe coming along and squashed all I'm what lies for us. Looks to me like it was a logic name, Joe. What'd you say? A logic name, Joe. A logic name. But they're all alike.

20:50Good, good, baby. Frank. Frank, let me go. Don't be so serious. Holy honey, look, you hold the port. Maybe they aren't all alike. Where are you going? Frank, are you going to make a getaway? Getaway, baby. If you've got the right inspiration, I'm going straight to the middle of this whole jamboree. Yes? Oh. I was hoping it was the police. You remember me, Mr. Colanovic, called well of the logic company? Logic company. I wish the logic company was at the bottom of the ocean. I don't blame you. Believe me. Now, where's your logic? In here. I'd smash it into a million pieces. I wasn't afraid of what Freddie would do to me. Just get out of the way. I've got business with Joe. If you want to do something and don't know how, ask your logic. Oh, we're back to that routine. Well, I want to do something all right. Can a logic be modified to achieve correlations for which human brains are too limited?

22:01Yes. How great will the modifications be? Microscopically slight. Changes in dimension, not detectable even by precision gauges. They can come about only through an extremely improbable accident. And what would this super logic then be able to do? Come on, you spill it. It could set up entire new combinations of electronic relays, which would bypass the normal sensor blocks, thereby enabling it to perform valuable new services, including the giving of helpful advice on any human problem. Uh-huh. And has this accident ever happened? Come on, come on. It has happened only once in the case of the logic now owned by the colon of each family of 197th Street.

23:11A logic named Joe. Thanks, Joe. That's all I wanted to know. Hey, what's all that about? I'm taking this logic away, Mr. Colon of it. I'll bring you a new one and our troubles are all over. Hey, you get away from Joe. Direction, our troubles are just beginning. Ready, put down that blow, guys. I shut up. Hey, you, I should get away from the logic. Look, look, Freddie, I'm going to bring you a nice new one, see? I want that one. Get your mitts off it. And I got this bean shoot rate lemonade. Well, well, well, the police. They're outside. Yeah, for me and Freddie. Nuts, what they want you for. You ain't smart enough to do nothing. Oh, no. Hey, there's plenty I could tell you. Look, there's the cops kid. It's you and me against them. So what you're going to do about it if you're so smart? Look, we may have to find our way out. Let me see that blow gun. I know a way to hop it up so the cops won't have a chance. Come on, come on, give it to me. Okay, let's see what you can do. Here. Thanks. Here. Oh. Oh. Let's get called, well. You're a great man.

24:11Now what I got left to do is pull this plug out of the wall. Come right in, Sergeant. Well, that must be the kid. You don't look so tough to me. Well, he just got a little softening. No more complaints to the officer. I guess I can go on where Mr. Caldwell left off. Caldwell. Hey, you wanted... Now look, I just came to pick up this busted logic. I don't know a thing. You said that before. Come on, you're going to the cooler. Let's go. Wait a minute. You worked like you wanted to go to jail. Well, just till a certain party leaves town. I get a feeling it's safer. Okay, then, Caldwell, into the patty wagon you go. Thanks, officer. You may be saving my life. Now, if you'll just help me carry this logic out. Wait a minute. You can't take that in the wagon. I can't? Why not? No room. You already got a damn and it was raised in the roof. A damn? Yeah, a blend. Playing clothesman picked her up trying to buy a gun without a permit. She keeps screaming. She's going to miss her date with the...ducky.

25:17You have just heard X minus one, presented by the National Broadcasting Company, in cooperation with Street and Smith, publishers of astounding science fiction. Tonight, by transcription, X minus one has brought you a logic named Joe, adapted for radio by Clarice Ross from the story by Murray Leinster. Featured in the cast were Mandel Kramer, Wendell Holmes, Guy Rep, Bill Zuckert, Walter Cancella, Bob Hastings, Joseph Julian, Joey Fallon, Mary Lou Forster, Ann Thomas, and Mary Patton. Your announcer, Fred Collins, X minus one was directed by Daniel Sutter and is an NBC radio network production. Next week, X minus one will bring you a dramatization of Robert Heinlein's famous science fiction masterpiece,

26:17The Roads Must Roll. It concerns the day when traffic became so impossible that the engineers took over and banned all automobiles, tore up the superhighways and built huge mechanized roads, which were all along on giant rotors at speeds up to 100 miles an hour. An engineering miracle changed the face of the nation. The rolling roads took over. No one worried about the fact that, if the road should stop, our whole economic life would fall apart. The machinery they said was perfect, but they forgot that machinery depends on men and men are not perfect. Be sure to tune in next week at a new time, same day for another exciting broadcast of X minus one.