Why You Can't Relax Even When Nothing Is Wrong

If you ever felt like you're on the edge and nothing is actively wrong and you're like what is happening right now

Like I cannot rest. I cannot relax. It doesn't matter what I'm doing and this episode's for you. Let's go

Hey, hey everybody and welcome back to the positivity experience. It's your girl Lori. Look at us. Here we are

We're almost in the green month, right?

We're almost in Irish month, then I love it. I'm so excited. I'm here for it and

And it actually relaxes my nervous system. And when you evaluate what that looks like, then it's going to be

Extremely helpful to find those moments of

Non-reactivity inside of her body and we think, oh my god, this is anxiety. It is what it isn't just anxiety. So before I jump into the topic

Ovaran Patreon, we are going to have a good worksheet that's going to help you evaluate it

Understand it with I believe I have a couple different exercises scheduled over there. We'll see. Always I always put it together right after this

But it's going to be very helpful and give you some direction and really understand a little bit more that what's happening with your body and your mind

So jump on over there patreon.com forward slash the positivity experience with the next and

If you want to work with me want to get the workbooks

Books when they come out get on the mailing list go ahead and follow me at positivity

Experience.com and everything that I just said is in the show description of wherever you're getting this episode right now

So let's go into this because I am so excited to bring this to you because it's something that I've experienced

I'm on this 55 and it's been there pretty much the majority of my life and when you start to realize

What is going on and it's not just the anxiety, but it's also your nervous system. It gives you a little bit more grace for yourself too, by the way

And the anxiety of course is there, but it is your nervous system

And I have that whole podcast. I did a little bit over a month and a half ago on the nervous system

Please go back listen to it

But this isn't anxiety and this is why that matters

So we if you feel like you're on the edge and nothing is actively wrong

It's not a failure of your mindset now your mindset is very important

How do you see the day is how you live the day and a total side note how I woke up this morning

I record this headed ahead of time. It's Monday

Monday is my leg day Monday is the absolute best day of the week because the time that you can reset your week

So yes, Monday is not the worst day of the week. It is the best day of the week

This morning I got up and I was just like I don't feel like doing any work out at all

And then I was like, well, you know what you can just stay here and get on the treadmill

Which I typically do on Thursday and Friday

I had so much

Negativity in my mind and my nervous system felt it and I was like, you know what I'm going to do it anyway

So I couldn't worry about how I feel because if I worry about how I feel I'm never going to do anything

I wouldn't do anything

So I still went through the process in turn. I know my nervous systems rewarded

But it's sometimes it's getting over that hump and that the way that feels sometimes can be paralyzing for you

So you just got to really blush through that

But for many people the inability to relax that comes from a nervous system

That never ever ever learned what safety was

And again a whole topic on that is over there

But this is really important because when you ask yourself what's wrong or why did these things come out of nowhere

They did not come out of nowhere

They just feel like they came out of nowhere and it's when your body finally has access

You know, I remember the first anxiety attack I had

I was well first one I had was at four and no I did not know what that was and over a period of time

I realized I had a little bit more but the one that I can truly remember that like I went to the hospital for I was like 13

I look 13 14 and I was laying down in bed and I was just getting ready to hit that slumber

You know kind of like where you're dreaming

But if the phone rang it would be ringing in your dream

But it would also be ringing real life so you're in that slumber space

That's when I got my first massive anxiety attack

I'm talking massive massive anxiety attack

And that was something where I was like oh my god what the hell has happened and you know over

Obviously, this is my job now

But over a period of time

Then you'd have anticipatory anxieties so now you're afraid to do this because that anxiety is going to kick in

And then if you got an anxiety attack at this location now you don't want to go that location anymore

So you're nervous to massage in a tight space

But why that happened in that sort of that middle place is when your body finally starts to react

It's not your nervous system being mean

It's you cannot outrun your things stop doing that anywhere you go there you are

Suddenly you're a billionaire you have a nicer house or a nicer car more expensive car but still the same problems

So you have to realize that for many of us most of us here listening

Have gone through something we didn't feel safe in childhood. We didn't feel like

It also depends on the time right to you know, so many things are now realized like you don't just say random stuff to people in school

Teachers just can't call you lazy because they don't know what's happening

But you know those were all the things that could happen years ago

It's very similar to now at least ADHD is becoming more understanding you know understandable

But 50 some years ago

It there was no quote-unquote no

ADHD

So it would be like go sit down go relax or you know go sit down and you're like I can't I can't help it

Don't talk in class. I can't help it

So you don't realize it. So what your nervous system does is it goes uh-uh wait a minute. Oh no

Nope, we do not want to explain a display in emotion a feeling

You just sit in there and be in your own mental health, but you're not going to display this out. So that has to go somewhere

That's not just going to disappear a pill can't take care of that

Just isn't going to happen

But this is what calm could have been

inconsistent

So now you have inconsistent calm

You have those calming moments in the bam chaos you ever have those moments where you're like oh

Yeah, they got the health to myself. Oh, this is great and you're there for a minute and everybody comes home and you're like oh my god

It's all crazy again. Not that you don't want it. It's just your body realizes what's happening

If it's interrupted calm

So you're trying to meditate and you know a person keeps blowing up your phone and you're like uh first of all don't answer it block them

but

It's interrupted

Or it's paired with a certain level of responsibility so you can have the calm, but then you have to have a responsibility

So what your body learns is

You got to stay ready got be on the ready you got get up in the morning got to put on your little suit of armor and you're taken on the day

But that's not because it's anxious

It's because it's being alerted over and over and over again now when you have an anxiety disorder like your girl

It's it's the chicken in the egg, right? So this all of these things are happening in your nervous system

Then that activates your anxiety a little bit where you're like, oh now I need to overthink oh my god

I need to overthink what's that is a dangerous. I don't want to know. I don't what is that

Right so we have one thing feeding the other

But at the end of the day anxiety we know anxiety is that part that your brain that goes

We're in danger and you need to stand the ready

That is that fire is stoked

Buy your nervous system or the other way around that's your nervous system and then that's stoked by your anxieties

So then you're sitting there and you're like I don't understand I'll talk to you about the relaxing thing in a second

But your relaxation is a nervous state not so much a mental state the mental clarity you get from it

But it isn't something that you just think yourself into you don't get to just think yourself into relaxation

I can sit out by the pool. I can go to the mountains. You can go to the beach. It can be nice

And you the environment is more conducive to that, but it's all going to be internal

So it's a physiological state and that's governed by your automatic nervous system

So I mean that's just there you can't outthink your nervous system

And if stillness one once meant vulnerability or danger or being caught off guard

Your body is going to resist it even if life is stable even if factually you have proof

I'm good. I'm good. I'm good

Not I'm not really worried too too much about money. My health's okay. Everybody around me is good

That's cool

But you're still working on the process of understanding that

being quote unquote bored

Isn't bad you don't always have to fill something

And stillness might have once meant that but if you can't sit with yourself right now and just like go and just hang out

Like go sit in a car and have some baskin robins or dairy queen and just sit and just

Huh, no socials. See, this is where social media and the internet becomes a massive problem

And you guys know I help people all the time get unaddicted to social media including very famous

Streamers and stuff that you that you've seen

Because that's not helping you

I know you think it's relaxing you. I promise you it is not

Go on learn the recipe learn the pattern learn how these new sneakers are read the reviews. That's great

The endless scrolling is not helping you stop convincing yourself. Ha ha ha. It's funny. I learned that dance

It's great. It's not helping you and that's not my opinion. That is facts

So you can't say you want to do better and then still be scrolling all the time

But you have to remember your system is not malfunctioning in those moments. It's doing exactly what it's trained to do

I that's just your critter brain your reptilian brain. It's a thing that we once had to learn growing up

I mean, you know before we existed that you know you always had to be on the ready in general

I grew up in the hood you guys know that

So there was always a level of ready that had to happen because you didn't know what was gonna happen to who and it what time

And things could have been good and then they weren't

Now that's not including growing up in in my house the way it was

And the massive instability there. So I've always been like all right. I'm ready to take on the day

So it is a daily practice to this day by the way a daily practice. That's when I do my cards

That's when I do my things my journals. I tell you about I have my sacred little morning routine

Yes

Because if I don't do that

It's not like I'm just going to be like

It's fine. I cannot do that for a week. No

No, once you realize how your nervous system works. That's how you fuel it

Now why does this continue when life is fine

You so your nervous system responds to pattern memory not present logic see so you're trying to logic your way through it

And it's not going to happen

So vigilance once prevented harm

Your systems online all the time. Okay

Even after the threats gone by the way like all right. I'm ready locked and loaded. Let's go

But this is why people say nothing's wrong, but I feel unsettled

Oh, I should be able to relax

Oh, I don't know what I'm bracing for

Your body remembers what your mind has moved past

So your brain is like all right cool like you know what we check both ways cool. No cards are coming. We're good

Your nervous system is that subconscious part of you that's kind of always going to be behind your consciousness

conscious version of you

And it doesn't believe you

Your nervous system does not believe you

So it's going to take time to retrain that

So you're trying to logic your way through it now

Let's I've used this example before

Let's say we're on a beach somewhere. We're having our little drinks. We're having a great time

It is great. Everyone is healthy. Everyone is happy. Everyone's rich everybody. Everybody's got everything

And you're finally like I can finally said

Oh, I'm going to wait and to get here. I never thought I'd get here. Oh my god. This is great

So we get our little drinky drink and we're sitting there and it's just nice

Got my little kindle we don't have to fill every space with talking

Everything doesn't have to be talked

So we're kind of sitting there. We're doing our reading got a little cocktail in hand and all the sudden you're like

Oh my god, I can't breathe

Like wait, what's going on? I'm having anxiety. I'm having anxiety tech. Why am I having anxiety attack? I'm here

Yeah

Well, yeah, I haven't processed anything throughout the whole other time of your life

You keep avoiding dealing with your feelings. You keep avoiding like really owning your stuff and working on it

You keep avoiding doing things when it's uncomfortable

Where do you think that's going to go?

So now we did we finally there you worked all your life to get here and now we're there

And now you're like I can't enjoy it. Well, of course you can't enjoy it

All that time you squished all of this stuff down. That's why you never run from anxiety. You never

Run from your anxiety attacks

Be number one what you run from is going to continue to chase you and what you run towards will run from you

So what you have to remember is in those moments

You got to process your feelings when they come

Because if not you're carrying this over and you're not training your nervous system by not dealing with something

You're reinforcing it

You are reinforcing your nervous system to be hyper aware when you're trying to resist your nervous system

And that's where that's where that pattern comes. You know what the hell is wrong with me

And then you can be hyper vigilant without obvious trauma. Oh my god. I was hyper vigilant on a regular basis

But it's not all it doesn't all come from overt trauma either

It came from emotional unpredictability

So this is big if you had in and you're a divergence if you really weren't sure about your feelings and what that looked like

I mean it really wasn't like you

People and even now really

But one like people are like hey, let's process what your feelings are nobody cared and quite frankly

It's nobody's responsibility of your feelings

But it wasn't when I say no, I cared it wasn't

Like a directed pattern

Right therapy was for crazy people

Other things were just an excuse right you were lazy if you really were in you know an analysis paralysis like there's a lot of things that were happening

So if there was emotional unpredictability, this makes sense

Ah being the responsible one too early. This is problematic

Where you've now identified your parents you have been the one that everybody leans on

You're the one that you go back to what we were talking about last week access and the week before

So we have the emotional taken on people's emotion the access in which you give them and now here we are

These all three are giving you a really good roadmap, but are you going to take it?

Are you going to allow yourself to be uncomfortable even when it's not brand new you might listen to this podcast and be like

Yes, that's it. I'm going to go take action and then Thursday you're not going to take action because it's so sick

Well, you know, because now you get set in your ways

No

If environments were peace never lasted that's kind of like how I grew up

You wouldn't know what pieces

At all because you're always bracing for that to end

Care taking others emotions which we discussed it tremendously

And chronic instability where you were chronically unstable unstable

So here's your lesson learned stay alert

Don't get comfortable. That's what's happening. Hey stay alert. Don't get too comfortable. You better prepare

Oh, well, just preparing you're preparing in case something bad happens

Guess what's going to happen if you're lucky enough to be healthy and live till you're 85 years old or older

Then you don't want to wake up at 85 and go what the hell

Where do my life go?

You're so worried about those moments that you do have a little bit of joy or a little bit of that and you just you can't stay there

Because you know, it's going to end

Well, then you will never have gratitude get my five journals. It's right on my website positivity experience.com go out there and get them

You don't sit there and tell me you don't have time you have time. You know a tick-toucher and you have time

But the reality is until you're willing to

Appreciate that moment for what it is. I did a podcast a while ago and I promise I'll circle back and do a

Refreshed one on

Live and disconnected of live and detach detach living is the best living because you can live detached

But like live connected to the correct things that's go back there unless that but

This is so important

Because you've got to detach from this idea of feeling better. You've got to detach from the idea of

Well, I can enjoy this. It's going to end if you can't enjoy it for what it is right now. You will never feel satisfied

It will never be enough for you a relationship will never be enough for you a situation will never be enough for you

Because you'll be in it for like five seconds and then it goes bye-bye out the window

No

But why does rest feel uncomfortable because believe it or not

You're like, I don't know if I could rest and then you're hearing that old perfectionism voice

Which by the way is fake there's no such thing as perfectionism

But now you have that okay, I'm gonna sit down. Oh, I'm gonna watch this news show. I'm gonna sit down

Ah, watch this you're sitting there for about a half hour

You're looking around you're like I should be doing something else

I don't know. I feel like I'm wasting time. I think I'm wasting time. I should I've time

I've been mean to clean out that dress or let me go do that why

Calm down

If you think that you're that's your nervous system. Well, that's a couple things

That's conditioning that if you sit along too long is sit down too long your quote unquote lazy

not true

And your nervous system goes what are we doing?

I don't like this. I like it, but I don't like this

But rest removes any distraction

So if you're distraction distracted you'll not worry about it

But when your nervous system slows unprocessed emotions will come to the surface again

You're in aruba and all of this comes out of quote unquote nowhere

It isn't coming out of nowhere. It's been sitting in the corner waiting for you all along

And let me tell you what and this is how you'll know if you're nervous as many ways

But these are how you're going to know that you're activated within your nervous system guilt

So this is rest. Okay, so when you have rest

It could trigger guilt guilt because you're resting

Restlessness, you know where you're and I don't just mean like ADHD restless and you're always gonna have that

But just you're just restless

Intrusive thoughts conflying in oh my god. That's where they live

And severe emotional discomfort. It's just it almost feels like you're coming out of your skin a little bit

So it's not it's like

dramatic is what an anxiety attack would be, but you're like there and you're like oh my god

I'm fit. I got a I got a move. I got to that's what you buck up against

Nope, I'm gonna state you're not fighting it

You know what? I'm I'm a sit here. It's okay. I don't have to always be doing something and your brain isn't gonna believe that in the beginning

But you got to do it anyway. Don't feel like going to walk do it anyway

And this is gonna show up in your daily life. It isn't just gonna happen when you're not thinking about it. It's gonna happen

And this is what you're gonna know what you may notice

You relax briefly, but then you're like gotta do that. God do something like I was saying to you. You're like oh, this is nice

Okay, I'm done

You also have to be really careful of that too because you don't want to project that on other people

Now suddenly you think everybody's lazy, but they're really just chilling on a Sunday watching football or sitting out by the pool

And you're like well, what the hell? Why are they sitting around because it's called resting?

If silence feels uncomfortable

So if it's quiet and you're like oh god, most silence is deafening for sure, but

It's like sitting in a room with someone

And then you're like well, I I feel like I need to talk. It's awkward. Why do we wise this awkward silence there?

We got to figure out what that is because that's your nervous system going. What's wrong? We need to prevent something. Why is this happening? I don't know what to do

If vacations feel strange instead of restorative, I'll tell you I used to it Paul and I were just talking about this because we have vacation a couple months with Kim and Mark and everybody

And he said oh my god, you used to be we've been together almost 21 years. He said you used to be so scheduled

We're gonna do this this this this this this this he said you could never just sit still

Even he said you even planned your sitting still time. This was years ago

And I mean now when I go on vacation if I'm like, oh, I really want to go to Salem or I really want to do that. That's cool

Like when we went to Epcot we did drinking around the world cool. We didn't know what day we were going, but we knew that that's what we wanted to do

So

You can have those things, but now that I'm just like you know what I don't have to fill my day with anything on vacation

And then that's where it starts to become in restorative when you realize hey that is okay

Or here's one

You're productive, but yet you never feel settled like you're like man, I was productive today

And you like poo poo that away or you're like, okay, well that was short lived. Yeah, your dopamine is gonna go bye-bye true

So if you're productive, but yet you never feel at peace. We know that you're in high gear

Tension exists

Behind any calm. So you have calm, but you're a little bit like

Okay, I'm calm

But I'm also on edge

And that's chronic activation. That's not a personality. That's not your personality

That's not your personality treat that is literally how your body is

Now you add in the things like the

Depressions and the bipolars and all of the other chemicals absolutely

That's that's an absolute contributing factor, but that is not the main factor

And now we're going to enter one of my most favorite things to talk about that's your ego

Because ego is going to reframe hypervigilance as drive I have drive

I have ambition. I'm productive. I have so much productivity

This is just how I function

When your identity is built around coping

slowing down is going to threaten who you think you are

Ego is going to prefer familiar tension over unfamiliar peace always know that

Remember ego is like I need to drive the car

It's me. I'm going to drive it. I have drive. I'm going to accomplish anything I want to listen

It's great. We all want to have a north star like that's how life works. We do want to grow. We do want to engage we absolutely

But when you get behind the whole I have drive situation

And look at all this ambition. I have

A you don't tell the world this and B is why is that your identity?

You know, there was a song everybody's working for the weekend

Everybody's working yet that one. I can't sing but I like to think I can in the car

And that song if you think about it or like back in the day it was like Friday night. I just got paid

Parties jumping

Because people were looking people look towards the weekend or whatever your weekend is

Because your body needs that break

As best as it can

But you cannot think your way into relaxation doesn't work

Affirmate you can affirmation the hell out of things all over the place. That is not going to override any type of conditioning within your system

Your nervous system does not care about an affirmation

Your nervous system learns through repeated safety

So this is where you got to put push through it

Right push through it because you're going to be like all right. I don't know. I mean, I don't know. Should I should I cross that street

Maybe I mean it looks like there's no cars, but I don't know if I trust it give

This repeated safety behavior. It's going to help consistency

You definitely need to consistently show up

Containment right that's where those five journals come from or that's just that you're just containing

I didn't say avoiding you're containing you're sitting at it you're looking you're listening you're feeling

And permission to slow without consequences. It's okay to slow down

Take a deep breath

Literally okay

See like that's probably okay do this right now stretch open your jaw like

Um, I'm demonstrating you can only see if you're on YouTube, but

Open your jaw loosen that tension

Really focus on drop in your shoulders really focusing on letting that tension go in your stomach

Because I know some of you felt that and just take a deep breath

I

Mean just something as simple as that is going to really start to help it under to help yourself understand that it's okay like we calm down

But the just relax is not going to happen. You can't just be like I'm going to go force myself to relax

No

But let me tell you some things that do help

So it's going to begin when you tolerate calm not force it

And that means short moments of silence remember

Stillness just like and or silence, but just like a microgoal that we have

To clean out a closet or a space or whatever just like that we want that for ourselves

So even if you said a 10 minute timer, I don't care what thoughts come

I don't care if you're just sitting and you're like oh my god

This is hard. This is dumb. This is too. I don't care. Still sit in it anyway

No, notice any urges you have to escape calm because there'll be there. You're like okay. Well, I'm bored

I'm bored bored bored bored bored. You see this in relationships suddenly you they want to get out of a relationship because it's boring

But it's really a safe relationship. It's really healthy and people don't know how to handle it and tolerate it

Don't judge your discomfort

And just allow safety to build gradually. I know I know for the people who have a hard time with patients

It is what it is

Because if you can't relax even when nothing's wrong

Nothing is wrong with you. It's your body. Your body's still not wrong

But your body has learned to stay ready and with patients and responsibility you can learn safety again

But again, you might not have ever known it

And you know, sometimes we have those unhealthy coping mechanisms like going on social media

Listen, I am going to tell you just about in every podcast how bad social media is for you

Not the unintention not the intentional but the unintentional scrolling

I can't begin to tell you how much research is still currently currently like while I'm talking to you being done on the level of what they call brain rot

I mean, it's not literal but where

It's your dopamine's depleting all of these things are happening. That's not helping your nervous system

In your mind you think watching these amazing cap videos love cap videos like anybody else

But watching these amazing cap videos is actually relieving you but it isn't because you're not processing anything

You might get it like in that second

But you're not going to keep it because all that other stress and drama has gone somewhere

It's disappeared into where it's in your system

You know, you have to think of it as like a damn like a water damn

Or even if you have ever had let's say there's a creek you see a creek

That's a running water creek and a tree falls

And like all that water kind of pulls up right behind it before I can find a way to go around it or with a damn it just breaks open right

That's what's happening to your nervous system

You're not going to outsmart it. You're not going to outthink your way there

But what the mindfulness and what your mindset does is it starts to create an atmosphere to where

Your nervous system over a period of time is going to learn

That quiet and still is not unsafe and something that we have to prepare for and this is why I've said to you

Your journey is not going to be fast. You are not sure it's going to have a couple sessions and find the answer of the mecca

It isn't going to work that way

Your nervous system however old you are right now

2015 90

Your nervous system has been activated that long

More so at certain times whenever the trauma right so you think that what you're going to go a year too

And then suddenly it's going to get better. It's not now you'll start to improve

Absolutely you'll improve, but that place that you're trying to get to is not going to be fast

And that's where people drop the ball on their healing

And that's why and I told you the numbers. That's why 100% of people start on in January

Some were between 17 and 21% of people are still working on themselves

I don't just mean physically

Mentally too on themselves in 12 months at the end of that year

Because it's not fast enough

It's not quick enough that immediate escape isn't there and if it's there now we got to seek it again

And we got to seek it again. So you're constantly chasing chasing chasing chasing

You're looking for the next you know

Big podcasts. You're looking for the next affirmation. You're looking for the next medication. You're like this ends going to be it. Stop doing that

You're doing that to yourself

And when you sit in that space and you constantly feel it

And you resist it because it's uncomfortable because quite frankly it is uncomfortable

Have an anxiety is a really uncomfortable situation

So when you have that on top of this nervous system regulation like so I said go go back to that

Okay, think of this okay, let's play this game together think of this right now while you're driving or doing whatever

If I said to you right now

You have the whole day off and all your bills are paid everybody's healthy blah blah blah okay

Here's a whole day

It's a day of relaxation

What are you going to do so in your mind right now? What would a day of relaxation mean to you

sure is it the spa is it the mountains is it taking a nap what well

Nap is one thing, but nap can also not be restored. It could also be avoiding you could also nap out of avoidance

But when you said that

What can you do to work to get there

How because there are a lot of things that are free

FR EE free that you can do to relax absolutely free to you not a dime out of your pocket

But I will take time

You will have to be willing to like we were talking about before don't give access to everybody don't give access to all these things

What are you doing

Because then you're not going to have time going for a walk

Going for reading a book so if you're physically incapable of the walking moving your arms

Reading a book

You know even if you have like a ADHD like I do

If you do the audio and the book it's easier to like lock in

Do an audiobook

Okay, so he has a couple dollars, but at the end of the day

You can just go sit the trees are plentiful the world is plentiful

It isn't always about what you can and cannot afford because the most priceless things are free

The most priceless things are free

And but it's are you willing to do it because let me tell you you get so spun up about being needed and so spun up about all this time that you don't have and you're just

Go ahead and get hit get hit by bus

And see how the world doesn't stop

The people around you aren't going to stop moving because of this you getting hit by bus isn't going to prevent

I mean you can sit there and try to prevent all day long always remember the more that you try to save the more that you try to salvage the less tools that you're giving someone

People have to experience things the way they experiencing them experience them for them

Have to not even a little bit

You can't sit there and try to change that so now if your nervous system says I have to take care of the family

I have to do all of the things. I've to okay. Well, yes. There's going to be a high level of responsibility

You make the time

You make the time you find time we all have the same 24 hours in the day

And I remember some of those days that I had to fill every one of those just financially

I had to it's just me and Bugsy just had I had to figure it out

But I always always made time for a walk always

Because that's where I could process I always tell you guys

And you guys see it if you're on my Insta stories

I do like my Insta stories because it's not scrolling. It's like talking to you

But when it's decent outside

I walk outside with no airpods like no airpods you want to hear the world around you

You want to hear the cars go by you want to hear your feet on the pavement

You want to hear the the little crack of a branch or the tweet of a bird

But these are things that you want to make you have to not want to

You have to make time for

Because you're so busy like I said filling every other calendar

What are you avoiding? What are you running from?

What are you resisting?

Because you might not know who the hell you are that's the first thing you might not even know what you like

You might have been so inundated with all these things

That you're so busy that you say you want to feel better do better and what do you do?

You break out fucking tiktok. Why are we doing that?

Oh, because it's super easy because you don't have to really make a lot of effort

Well, you know what?

There's many more things that you can do that are going to help your nervous system and your mental health at the same time

And it ain't tiktokin

So pick up a new hobby go on YouTube learn how to do the hobby try it and then up try this too. What try that later too

There was a time that we all had before the internet and I know some of you listening have always had the internet and some of you haven't

But at the end of the day

None of that is going to give you any type of a reward as much as going outside

Go sit on your porch make some sun tea have well when it's nice outside go sit on the porch make some sun tea

Don't worry about filling a void

Make dinner last night a double batch so you don't have to cook tonight

There are things that you can do that are going to activate your nervous system to know it's safe

But you're running from that stop running from the safety

And I get it, you know you almost cross that you cross that street and almost I hit by a car. I get it. You're going to be a lot more apprehensive

But I mean, it's kind of like if phobias kick in you know

If I could fly the plane, I'd feel a little bit happier

But if I get on a plane and I go somewhere I'm like are you well? I'm just going to do the best I can

I'm downloads some some books on tape or you know audio books and a movie and

Call it a day and I'm going to get on there because I still want to enjoy life

I still want to be able to go somewhere so even if I don't like it and it's uncomfortable and it makes my nervous system fearful

I still do it anyway

Because when you know, this is that whole just do it

You know, I mean, that's a great great slogan by Nike just do it

And that's what I had to do this morning

It's not even that it was just my nervous system this morning. I just woke up. I was like

I just don't feel like it

But it was almost like a really you really like if you have a cold or now sometimes the barometric pressures with my allergies can make it extremely

Challenging then I get up and I'll go for a walk or I get on the treadmill

But those days of

Letting your body and your mind of course, this is of course if you are physically capable

but letting your body in your mind dictate

The things that are going to benefit you

Why you allow these things to dictate it

Because you're setting it up to where

It's going to be based on how you feel and not like I said I promise you if your nervous system is in panic

Your nervous system is an overdrive you're also going to project on other people

So because you don't want people to fear to fear fearful and everything else now you become overbearing

But going back to what I said

What access are you giving people why are you letting the emotional draining jump on top of you

These are important questions that you have to ask yourself if you want to get into a place to regulate your nervous system

Your lack of I did a podcast maybe a year ago go back and look at it on patients

None of us are patient

You learn patients

Because your human brains like uh-huh, don't care. I want it right now. That's just how you're made up

It's nothing to do with you specifically

But if you keep thinking that something's fast and you keep looking for the next next fast fast fix

It's going to be a problem and I can promise you I have looked through the mountains and the fields and everything for these fast fixes

I've lived in many places trying to outrun myself

To start fresh to start new to start doing this but no matter where you go there you are

So even if you move today

To a place where nobody knows who you are you know who you are well, maybe you don't but you know the things that you process

You know your feelings you know the things that you're lacking in

So the idea of running from yourself is not it

But ask yourself what would it feel like

To not be let's call it stressed or whatever in theory you're gonna say it'd be great

But again, I've also been here long enough to know that a lot of people get out of relationships because it's

boring

But it's really not boring or in your mind it is because your nervous system isn't activated

So you have to remember to all of the stress that comes with this

activation of why you can't relax

Has become a little bit of an identity as to who you are and the things that you got going on inside of your body

So it becomes harder because then you believe or not you get a little bit of a dopamine from it

So to lay that down there's no stimulation. There's no activation

And then you're just kind of left there

But that's what active meditation is

I cannot begin to tell you the amount of people go I can't meditate. It's bullshit. You can

Yes, you can the problem is like everything else that you do you want to just go all the way and be able to meditate for 30 minutes

Like um and you're fine that your way that's years down the road years plural

No, it's sitting sitting two to five minutes in absolute stillness setting on alarm two to five minutes

Doesn't matter what your thoughts are doesn't matter what your racing thoughts are you just sit in it

You sit with the feelings you sit with the thoughts

Then you do active meditation like walking hand washing your dishes

There's a lot of things that you throw in there

But in order to become a meditator where you're like man, I can really meditate

It's gonna take some time. It's gonna take years

But it's gonna be you not fighting it because everybody goes oh, I can't clear my mind

Well, of course you can't clear your mind john you just started this 13 seconds ago

No, you're not gonna do that

And thoughts will always come in it's just about how are you gonna let them proceed just let them flow

Everything doesn't need to fix

And when you start to realize that your nervous system isn't

Just the anxiety because the anxiety is a label for one thing

But honestly your body is just honestly doing what it's supposed to be doing if in fact there was really fear to be feared

So you know that let you know a little bit more that you're not as quote-unquote crazy or anxious as you think you are

It's just your system having to reset and you keep resisting it

Because it's uncomfortable discomfort doesn't mean unsafe

It might have

Many years ago again religious trauma plays a big part of this too man religious trauma can activate the hell out of that nervous system

It really can

So if you've been told to do this and this what you do and this you know

You have all of these rules and you're trying to figure it out and you can't really process it

And then you're being yelled at because you can't process it and you you did this

But it wasn't what they wanted you to do so then you got yelled at and of course your nervous system is gonna be activated

Of course

So just understand this

We're gonna jump over to patreon. We're gonna go down the worksheet

But I want you to really be clear that while you do have anxiety. I'm absolutely

That there is an actual reason why you feel like you can't rest

But until you put yourself it's called ERP exposure response therapy and if you until you put yourself in a position

To be uncomfortable on purpose

Then you're just gonna keep chasing that fast fix you've got to expose yourself to what you fear

That's how you get over it. That's how you get through it and again

patience

I don't care if you want it faster. It ain't it's not on your time

So start small let your let your

Inner clock let your internal nervous system learn that it's okay to be resistant in the beginning

But repetitive

Showing up and letting it let your nervous system know that you know stillness doesn't mean negative

Now it starts to kind of drop itself a little bit so in those moments

To where you do want to relax you can actually relax even if it's for a minute

So

Time to breathe time to do some work

But more importantly, it's time to be very patient

You