Why ‘Just Be Direct’ Doesn’t Create Openness in Conversations

Today we're going to talk about emotional safety in a context of being direct and you will

see why that's important and how it comes up in conversations.

Hello my dearest entrepreneur friends, welcome back to another video or if you happen to catch

this one on the omni channel podcast, welcome back to the podcast. The title of today's video is

why just be direct does not actually to open nest in conversation and what actually makes it possible.

That's our topic of today and before we dive into how do we create conditions for a

directness to happen, let's talk about the people who say just be direct and I believe there are

two types of people who say this and both of them has very different nervous system stands behind

it. The first type of people who are like just be direct just say it I to I just give it to my face

that the type of person is just like I'm blunt I'm direct and I expect you to be the same right and

there is a virtue behind it there is an identity of directness behind it and I completely understand

people who operate this way because they are like hey don't say things behind my back just say

to my face let's deal with this don't hide it and while I understand people who are like that

and I think it's okay for you to be like that that fireiness sometimes bluntness sometimes just

like let's clear the air I get it and there is a second type of directness and this directness is

basically a stance of hey just be direct with me because I want to make you where you are and

just please be direct because it's really hard for me to read people and to understand what

it is that you need do you guys feel the difference there is one directness that is coming from the

hey just be direct just tell me I do I and the hey just be direct because I genuinely want to

make you where you are and I'm really bad at reading science and social cues can you help me

understand you this person is looking to like can you help me orient better by being direct with me

right so that person the second person is genuinely want to meet you where you are and is

genuinely afraid of mistapping you see even if it's part of a personality trait for some people

can you guess which one is more likely to get people to be direct with them one is looking to

orient and one is looking to maybe subtly defend right but both of those scenarios and this is

something I learned to be true is that it doesn't matter what are your reasons for for people to

be direct with you whether it's part of your personality you always blunt you always direct or

whether it's part of your investigative understanding of humans whether it's a happy

understand you so I can orient better so I don't misstep right doesn't matter which one are we

talking about what matters is in both of the scenarios in order for someone to be direct with you

what you need to cultivate is emotional safety okay so in order for directness to emerge someone

has to feel safe with you and I want to separate two things here because we talked in previous

videos about how people have needs and desires you have needs and desires I have needs and desires

you'll have needs and desires we want to get met and a direct person would just ask for what you

want but here's a nuance here there are two types of ones and needs and desires first is more

of a neutral desire and in business context a neutral desire would be for me to invite someone to

a podcast or to invite someone to something right that's a neutral desire and I don't mind saying

that directly because the desire does not have any emotional charge for me and there are

charged desires so charged desires and needs are ones that are close to us so charged desires

and needs are the ones that are close to our heart they are close to our core they matter they

mean something for us right so while I can be direct with something that has no charge for me

that has no meaning for me kind of wanted it's a neutral desire but when it comes to something that

my heart really really wants and it's close to my core it's no longer neutral which means that if

I don't feel safe with you there is no way I'm gonna tell you about those needs and wants and

desires directly there is no way and I have experienced this very viscerally and I'm not gonna

name anyone I'm just gonna tell you what happened there was a misunderstanding but we in me and one

lady in a class that we were taking together and I remember it was a moment that a teacher

said hey so I'm experiencing some tension in the class can we just bring that forward and that

was my time to speak up so I said yeah you know I experienced this tension with this person and

this person immediately went like okay let's talk about it let's be direct and this person came

to me also the class tell me what happened you know but here's the thing even in that I felt

activated because the source of the tension my need for understanding were not met and when

the lady comes to me like okay tell me what happened like do you see how it just be direct just

like straightforward let's squash this you know that was the stance even author right to I

discussed let's clear the air and you could argue I would you know this person just wants you to

be direct and I'm like yeah but the thing is in that conversation I still felt the charge I felt

activated so it didn't make me not speak coherently because I can speak through activation

I get sharper I get more aware but I could feel like this this actually was close to home

whatever the reason was that I felt we sounded student a moment still talking about it three weeks

after just to clear the air and be direct was not easy for me in the moment like I could speak but

I could feel my voice shaking I could feel my heart racing because I was still charged because I

was trying to explain to someone a need or a desire at the moment was not met that was actually close

to home right well it shouldn't make it easy for me we did express we did not in where we need it

to be but do you understand that when people want us to be direct just be direct but the the

weakness is close to home unless there is safety for us to bring that out to the front it's either

won't happen at all which means you won't get the directness that you want or simply it will come

out but like the other person won't actually feel like you know I was exposing all that for this

okay great you know like it's not like you walk away from your needs but you put that emotional

risk of being direct with someone but that person just they just could meet you there for whatever

reason and even though cognitively the charge can be like cognitively we can meet and that's what

happened we met cognitively like I understand her she understood me so medically I did not feel like

this is it you know I'm ready to let it go right I love when people want that directness for whatever

reason that is that they want it but you have to understand that you are the type of person who

wants someone to be direct with you you have to think about two things how can I create safety

with people very important am I the type of person that people can come with honest truth like

with their closest desires that really truly matters to them am I the type of person that people

can come to with those things how am I that person that lets people come and stuff forward with

their deepest desires directly right like this comes back to personal responsibility and the

rest of this video we're going to talk about how to create emotional safety with people but before

we go that I really want you to contemplate this because even in my own life I recognize that many

times I was judgy I was judgmental I was you know not necessarily creating safe in which people

could emerge naturally with their needs and desires and it's something that we can work on if

you want directness it's something we can consciously work on can people actually come to me and

not be judged when that happened can people come to me directly and actually be respected can people

come to me and actually be accepted can people come to me and actually be heard am I the type of

person that creates that safety many people who claim I want you to be direct with me are also

the most argumentative people in the world like yeah really so if people are afraid to come to you

directly because they have experienced you as someone intense or someone who is a little bit of an

argumentative person because kids are in your ego and you take it personally whatever the

reasons are how do you expect them to be direct if you're not creating conditions in which

directness is available is allowed right so let's think about that first all of us because I

think that's something that helps us get to the emotional safety part so how do we create emotional

safety and please mind you we will go deeper inside of these topics in empathy as we know it this

is a program that I'm going to deliver live and this is part of the human to human curriculum we start

April 15, 2026 and you can come in for $47 this program is going to be delivered live so if you

want to join us I'm going to put a link in the description of this video or if you're listening

to the podcast to the description of this episode now how do we create emotional safety the very

first and very important ingredients of creating emotional safety is to be grounded and stable

within yourself right so if you are a person that is stable then when you hear something coming at

you directly you don't get into defense mood right so if you're internally stable then you can

hear whatever that you want to say without getting dysregulated destabilized defensive right you

can hear them so internal stability is the most important prerequisites of creating emotional

safety the second ingredient that is very important for you to create emotional safety is to remove

the pressure from the interaction okay what does that mean how do we remove the pressure from

the interaction what I like to call is to be spacious so when I'm spacious I allow things to happen

as they happen right so even though I want you to be direct with me I can remove the pressure

from the interaction by offering you options it can be a preface of hey you don't have to tell me

all of that but or hey if you don't feel comfortable let me know hey you know this is something you

don't want at all I get it that is removing the pressure hey I don't mean to be trying to let me

know if this is too much that is removing the pressure because when we remove the pressure people

feel like okay you know whatever level of directness you want to express with me it's fine it's

okay I'm not gonna push for more in fact I'm gonna give you preemptively allow you to express

whatever that is for you and we don't have to do this all the time it's just if that's what we are

even if we don't say those words but you can say those words because I like to say it because when

I feel I'm wrenching into something that potentially has emotional charge I always preface it in a

way like hey you know we don't have to go that far I know we just mad I mean it's not like I'm

digging for that in people I'm naturally feeling like where I can potentially venture into an area

that might be personal to people maybe expose a little bit vulnerable maybe be a little bit more

closer a core right so whenever I sense that this could be closer to the core I remove the pressure

and I'd be like you know whatever feels right let me know if it's too much right so you can say those

things that that can actually be an energetic stance the third very important ingredient for you

to cultivate emotional safety in which directness can emerge is to be genuinely curious and

genuinely interested in understanding people and I love how everyone is throwing this left right

center since we read the book how to be in France and influence people we always like be curious

be interested genuinely want to understand people to me this is not something we try it's something

that we are and there's a difference if I'm genuinely curious and interested I'm willing to go

and step into your framework I'm willing to go and step into your blueprint to understand you

I'm not projecting on you and I know who I am I know my core I know my identity so that's a very

important prerequisite for me to venture out and venture into your viewpoint but I'm genuinely

interested in understanding your experience and what's going on for you and another very important

ingredient is to be authentic and real so what we have to understand here when we are creating

emotional safety is that when we are not real with people and when we are in a performance mode

or masking ourselves or pretending that we are something else how do you expect people to be

feeling safe with you if you cannot even be yourself in a conversation with someone so if you're

heavily masking if you're heavily you know putting that distance and not showing out as your

real self it's really hard for people to open up to you because they can sense you're not being

congruent congruent meaning whatever your feeling inside is exactly what you're broadcasting outside

and I also want to say is that we don't have to agree with each other I can hear what your

experience is and I don't have to agree with you but your experience still matters I can still

understand you even if I don't agree with you right it's not about that we have to all be the same

it's about recognizing that your experience is just as valuable even if I don't necessarily agree

and I can be real about it right so it can be a direct expression of a need that you don't

necessarily agree with but it doesn't mean that you can't understand someone's perspective right

so when we are genuinely are interested we are tuned we are not judging and we are spacious

and real is naturally conditions for emotional safety to emerge and it's naturally

conditions for people to really express to you directly okay so that's the practice there

and it's not easy it's ongoing journey right okay you guys I hope this video helped you

and you will be actively cultivating emotional safety when you want people to be direct with you

and good luck with that if you want to join in for empathy as we know it again I'm going to put

a link in the description once you register you will get an email that will lead you to Facebook

group where the program will be hosted live you will have lifetime access to it thank you so

much for watching and listening to this one it's really hard especially if it's a family member guys

so good luck