When Systems Protect Abusers, Shame Steps In

One of the many things that has struck me in recent weeks is the instances of Minneapolis protestors chanting, “Shame!” at ICE agents. It’s notable because many of these protestors are presumably Brené Brown-loving liberals who are, generally, not fans of shame. Where does this impulse come from?

I’ve been chewing on the comments left by my amazing readers on last week’s post, and they’ve helped me realize that this impulse towards shame points to a broken system.

One thing that a few deft readers pointed out is the difference between shame and accountability. Reader Stephanie Alter Jones put it this way:

“…a lot of shamelessness among the powerful makes it seem like they "need" to be brought down in that way since they refuse to do it on their own. But rules-based social orders work better as accountability mechanisms for community behavior. I'd rather see rules or guidelines strengthened and followed rather than more public flogging.”

And reader Christina added:

“I do think consequences are more important than shame. I would much rather some of our shameless leaders be removed from power than for them to feel shame. Again, accountability but at the political rather than the personal level.”

I think, in my defense of “healthy shame” what I was actually looking for was accountability.

Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

When accountability is in short supply (as with ICE agents breaking the law with impunity) people fall back on shame as a last resort. It’s as if we’re saying, “Even if the government allows this, how could you? Didn’t your parents teach you better?”

Shame feels like a last resort, the sign of a system that is straining to define unacceptable behavior and hold people accountable for it. To my mind, the rise of public shaming is a response to a watershed moment of rapid social changes:

* wealth and power being concentrated with the elite who evade accountability (*cough* Epstein Files *cough)

* increasing distrust in institutions

* the breakdown of local communities (which can offer context to a person’s actions)

* the power the internet confers on the masses

* quickly shifting social mores

This results in a sort of mob justice which sometimes gets it right but frequently lacks nuance and can cause real harm.

Oh, and once you’ve been shamed there’s no agreed upon path back. The local communities and institutions who might’ve once offered a way for you to redeem yourself no longer have the authority to do so, and the internet never forgets.

I was listening to Ezra Klein interview the wonderful Priya Parker this week when she brought up this lack of ability to repair. Paraphrasing a student who had committed campus sexual assault, Parker said, “There is no place for me to go. There is no place for me to come back to. Do you want me to commit suicide?”

Don’t get me wrong, sexual assault is a serious crime that causes grave harm. Far too often, perpetrators are never held accountable. This causes further harm to their victims and to our communities as a whole when such behavior is normalized and even expected.

All that is true, and I would venture that a perpetrator committing suicide is not the remedy we would advocate for. Indeed, such a “solution” speaks to the selfish side of shame that focuses on the perpetrator’s emotional state rather than centering the victim’s needs.

This focus is, I think, one of the key differences between shame and accountability. Are we centering our own feelings, or are we putting our victim’s needs ahead of our own by humbling ourselves and making amends?

While some crimes may not be reparable, it’s laudable when people show remorse, change their behavior, and take steps to making amends that satisfy their victims.

As a culture, we need to normalize screwing up and apologizing. We need to be willing to sit with those we’ve harmed and witness their hurt. We need to reflect deeply on why we harmed them and take steps to change.

How would it look for our culture to embrace this kind of accountability?

Maybe it would look like A.A. and other 12-step programs which encourage people to take inventory of their misdeeds and share them with at least one other trusted person.

Having done one such 4th step inventory, I can admit that it is a process that begins in terror and ends in relief: the worst thing you’ve ever done? Yeah, you’re not the only one. Shame cannot survive this sort of disclosure.

Of course, taking personal accountability is a lot easier than injecting accountability into a broken system. But I have hope that this season of political madness will end, our present injustices will be exposed, and their perpetrators will face accountability. It may seem far off, but history offers us examples: the Nuremberg Trials, South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission, Canada’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission regarding the residential school system.

I have faith that things done in darkness eventually come to light.

As always, I welcome your thoughts in the comments or via email.

* Are we in an epidemic of shame? Or an epidemic of shamelessness?

* What’s the impact of powerful narcissists like Trump on our national shame level?

* How can we agree on what’s shame-worthy during a time of massive cultural upheaval?

* Where do you see models of repentance and repair?

* Should we start a movement to Make America Apologize Again?

BONUS MATERIALS:

* check out Stephanie Alter Jones’ TWO awesome Substacks: What Magic? and Late to Lament

* a book that keeps coming up is Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg’s spectacular On Repentance and Repair

* I also love Priya Parker’s Group Life Substack and Instagram. Here’s a hilarious gathering video from the latter:

Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe