Turn Those Hemorrhoids Into Hemorrhoidade

Episode Summary

Friday’s show is a beautiful mess of zombie sponsorship theater, Lord Douche treating a water outage like the collapse of civilization, aggressively heterosexual gay porn, subway lunatics, and a Florida man trying to make calls on his shoe. Just a normal week-ending bouquet of rot.

• Bleached Asshole sponsors the episode and requests a full-on home invasion zombie intro, complete with yelling, biting, and enough confusion to make normal listeners briefly question reality.
• Tim floats the idea of doing an entire episode as a zombie for the right price, because apparently the show now has a menu.
• Action News 11 helps set the mood with the deeply important civic question of whether Fort Wayne should embrace the majestic name Harry Balls Government Center.

• Lord Douche experiences a neighborhood water outage as if society has entered its final phase, complete with panic, hoarding logic, empty jug deployment, and emergency field trips to acquire backup water.
• A six-to-eight-hour inconvenience somehow becomes proof that civilization is hanging by a thread and only a man with a garage full of containers can save us.
• Tim remains maddeningly calm, which only makes Lord Douche spiral harder.

• Will Blunderfield returns with skid marks, hemorrhoid fingering, and the proud declaration that dirty underwear is somehow peak masculinity.
• Will’s online school drama takes a new turn as he channels business frustration directly into butt-based stress relief and renewed entrepreneurial delusion.
• A deeply patriotic masturbator tries to bring America back one stroke at a time, screaming campaign slogans and racist filth like a broken campaign ad with lube.
• A rage-filled fake-straight dom degrades a cross-dressed guy while struggling heroically to get hard, proving once again that the loudest man in the room is usually losing the fight with his own dick.
• A mucus-obsessed throat expert turns a sex clip into a TED Talk on gag reflexes, goblet cells, and slime consistency. Science has gone too far.

• A subway rider politely asks a guy blasting music from a Bluetooth speaker to turn it down and is rewarded with threats, slurs, and enough screaming to power the entire train line.
• The speaker guy somehow believes the man wearing headphones is the rude one, then follows him to keep the tantrum alive because peace was simply not on the schedule.
• Tim paints the whole thing like accidental public foreplay between two men who absolutely should not be flirting this way.

• Florida, of course: a man gets arrested after trying to use his shoe as a phone while cops are literally helping him contact family.
• Another Florida genius allegedly flies a drone while drunk because he thinks a random sedan is following him. The phrase attack drone enters the chat.
• In New Zealand, a man calmly takes a few final bong rips from a homemade bottle contraption before surrendering to police, because if you’re getting arrested, you might as well leave centered.

• The For Harry Cunt text line checks in with callbacks about the 0.13 GPA disaster, wine pairings for trash food, and a truly disgusting toenail photo no one should have sent and no one should have seen.
• A possible Lord Douche mug lead emerges, though the eternal battle over thickness, tint, and manufacturing origin continues.
• Sweet Rectum Ralph mourns the decline of found porn magazines like a man grieving a lost national pastime.
• DJC insists that when he says LOL, he actually means laugh out loud, which honestly feels quaint now.
• A caller wonders what happens to Mead when his father dies, and the answer sounds like a future financial horror story with home equity paperwork.
• Unicorn Hamster, or someone doing a suspiciously convincing impression, calls in to ask about favorite colors by decade after apparently ejaculating all over the place.