The No Kings Machine

All right! All right! OK! Stop it!

It's Monday Night Raw.

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Good evening, everyone.

So, golf legend Tiger Woods was arrested on DUI charges

after he flipped his car.

Police say the crash could have been worse,

but Tiger is only half Asian.

Despite his repeated crashes,

Woods says he won't hire a driver

because he doesn't want anyone to know his whereabouts,

meaning his girlfriend and his other three girlfriends.

All in one.

Court documents revealed that YouTube employees admitted their goal

was to get viewers addicted.

Well, they'll never be able to accuse Fox of that.

Now, with this guy on the payroll,

he will.

He's our Narcan.

Trump spilled details about a massive Doomsday bunker

being built under the new White House ballroom.

It's not for a nuclear war.

He says it's for Don Jr. to shelter in place

in case Kimberly returns.

Oh, wow.

Hey, she's in Greece.

To aid the war effort in the Gulf,

the U.S. is considering deploying SEAL team six.

And if that doesn't work, they might even send in whale team four.

Yeah.

For Easter, Costco is offering a 10-pound chocolate bunny

for $140.

It's apparently so expensive because it takes three workers

to hold the bunny down while it's smothered in chocolate.

What's my favorite joke?

The Biden's have adopted two rescue black labs

while their son Hunter has rescued a meth lab.

Totally redeemed, just so.

And finally, Women's History Month is approaching its end.

Women claimed it was a great month,

except for four horrible days.

What?

Anyway.

On flow?

We'll be back with more gut-filled.

So, the No Kings protests popped up across the country this Saturday.

It's the only place where a man in a dress can scream,

my body, my choice, next to a Hamas reporter

who would gladly trade him for three cows.

There were hippies, Marxists, Hamas lovers, antifa thugs,

shrieking geriatrics, and assorted purves playing dress up.

So, what got all of them there?

Well, money.

At heart, these anti-capitalists still get out of bed for a buck.

According to a Fox Digital report, this grassroots movement

is actually backed by 500 groups

with a combined $3 billion in revenue.

George Soros' pet project, the Political Advocacy Group

Indivisible, took the lead.

But also behind the protests was a network of radical,

socialist, and communist organizations,

funded by an American commy tech tycoon living in China,

which means those grass roots are as organic

as that thing on Maxine Waters' head.

Not very.

But still, after all, the dancing hippos

and aging singers have gone home, Trump is still president

and Biden and Harris are still not.

And even those protesters know Trump didn't inherit the throne.

He became only the second president to serve non-consecative terms

after Grover Cleveland.

Even Cleveland.

But it's not about being right.

It's about being seen.

And what did you see?

Three groups, celebs, politicians,

and the crazies they egg on.

From the first group, a has been actor.

Has to look down ten times at recipe cards

to give what was supposed to be a 30-second heartfelt speech.

I mean, how can this be happening?

How can this be happening?

Look at the power of the no-kings national uprising.

Look at the power of the no-kings national uprising.

Afraid of Trump?

Please.

No, they should be more afraid of us.

Man.

This guy is so dumb he got brain damage from playing a boxer.

Then there's John Liffgaugh who couldn't make it outside,

but that didn't stop him from humiliating himself.

I figured I would recite a poem that I wrote about six years ago.

In a book I released back then called Trump-D-Dump-D Wanted a Crown.

Trump-D-Dump-D Wanted a Crown to make certain he never would have to step down.

He wanted a robe made of urban and velvet.

The Constitution.

He wanted to shelve it.

He used this moment to plug a book that six years old.

And John, I'm probably going to be the first person to tell you this.

It sucked.

You're not cat in a hat.

You're more like douchebag in a helmet.

Of course.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, man.

I hate John Liffgaugh.

Of course you had Tim Wallace pledging his undying love to his court constituents, Somali scam artist.

I will add a special, a special thank you,

and a special acknowledgement that we will never leave the side of our Somali Minnesotans.

Here's our pledge to you.

Our Somali Minnesotans.

Your great-grandchildren will still be here when that orange clown is in the dustbin of history.

You will be here.

Well, you will be here.

That's great news.

I guess your great-grandchildren will still be layering the alphabets.

But...

I know what you really want.

The required montage of future MSNOW anchors.

Oh, does calves on American soil?

No cats?

No, does calves.

So they can shove it up in little tissues and smoke it.

It's a takeover.

It's a takeover.

A house out of government takeover.

A house out of government takeover.

Attack. What's your white supremacy back?

The file.

The file.

Our mosquitos.

These are new panties.

A new underwear.

Holy...

What? What is that? I mean, I'm not even sure Sherod would hit that.

All right. I'll be honest, I wouldn't even hit that with Sherod's.

All right. It could reach. Of course, there was violence in L.A. protesters

rolled rocks and cops and tried to breach the gate of a jail.

One sprayed a federal building with a message that advocated killing ice officers.

In Portland, they broke through ice facility gates and burned American flags.

And everywhere the communist hammer and sickle was proudly waved, which is no surprise the

Communist Party of America was a co-sponsor of the event, along of course with billionaires overseas.

So yes, this entire movement is backed and cheered on by celebs, media figures,

billion dollar organizations, politicians, and our global adversaries.

But somehow this protest is the little guy fighting the king?

Right. Here's the truth. Life in this country is so good that its resident goofballs can

don costumes and scream about it being the worst country ever. Sorry, there are no kings here,

but there are elite who support democracy only when they win and when they lose,

they throw a tantrum and dress it up as revolution and hope nobody notices the billion dollar

machine behind it. And when that doesn't work, they throw rocks from the ample supply located

within their own heads. Listen ad free with a Fox News podcast,

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