This science-backed phenomenon will change the way you think about relationships forever.
I want to start with a story.
The most famous sculpture in history was almost never created.
In 1464, the opera Del Duomo, the committee overseeing the cathedral in Florence, commissioned
a massive statue to adorn the cathedral's roofline.
They sourced a single 17-foot block of marble from the quarries in Carrara, Italy.
A sculptor named Agostino di Duccio began work on the project, but after a short stint,
A decade later, in 1476, a second sculptor named Antonio Rosalino was hired, but almost
immediately walked away, citing the poor quality of the marble that had been sourced for the
It was brittle, he said, difficult to carve and structurally flawed, too narrow and tall
for a full-size statue to conceivably be created.
And so it was that this 17-foot block of nearly untouched marble came to rest in an
open courtyard in Florence, a year past, then five, then ten, then twenty.
That is, until 1501.
A full 37 years since the original commission and 26 years since it had last been touched,
when the committee gave the long-rejected slab of marble to a 26-year-old artist, offering
him the job and two years to complete it.
His name was Michelangelo.
The sculpture, as you may have now guessed, was David.
The story of how the commission came to him is an interesting one, but it's the story
of how he actually brought it to life that carries a deep, science-backed lesson I've
never been able to forget.
Michelangelo inherited something of a disaster.
Two separate sculptors had rejected the project, the marble was brittle, narrow, and weathered
from the 25 years of exposure to the elements.
But despite all of this, he saw something others had missed.
He had a vision for what the big, unhwned block could become.
So he began chipping away, little by little, to reveal a truth that only he could see.
And on September 8, 1504, that truth was revealed to the world, the colossal statue
of David was immediately lauded as a masterpiece.
In a quote widely attributed to Michelangelo, the artist described his process, saying,
quote, I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.
Centuries later, Michelangelo's process, seeing the ideal form hidden in the rostone
and chipping away to reveal it, inspired a group of psychologists to ask a fascinating
What if our deepest relationships work the same way?
In a 1999 paper, appropriately titled Close Partner as Sculptor of the Ideal Self,
the psychologist found that when your partner sees you as the person you are trying to become,
they act in ways that support that vision and you actually move closer to that ideal self
They called it the Michelangelo phenomenon, a reference to the sculptor who chipped away
until he freed the angel within.
In a 2009 follow-up, the researchers further explained the nature of this finding.
Most importantly, they determined that it was not conscious.
Your partner doesn't sit down and create a personal mandate to help you make this transformation.
Rather, they just naturally create conditions that help promote the growth and development
For example, they don't say, I'm going to help make you a disciplined go-getter.
Instead, they might do things like tackle some household duties to protect your morning
Pick up an extra shift to encourage you to take the professional leap.
See you, like the person you're becoming rather than the person you've been.
This creates a virtuous cycle in the relationship where both individuals are sculpting each
other through supportive actions, not words.
It is perhaps no surprise that the effect can also work in reverse.
When a close partner acts indifferently towards your goals and aspirations, creating conditions
that are reinforcing of the status quo or worse, they can sculpt you away from that ideal
version of yourself.
They roll their eyes when you mention your business idea.
They tell you to be realistic about your ambitious goal.
They never sacrifice their own well-being to create space for you to pursue yours.
The chisel cuts both ways, as it were.
The Michelangelo phenomenon extends beyond romantic partnerships and into any close relationships
with friends, family, or mentors.
The most important realization, every single person in your inner circle is a sculptor of
your future, whether or not they know it.
Someone is either helping create your ideal self or pushing you further away from it.
There is no in-between.
So this weekend, I'd love for you to take stock of the closest relationships in your life.
Who are the Michelangelo's?
Who sees the truth about your ideal self that nobody else can?
Who creates the conditions that allow you to become that person?
Two sculptors looked at a block of marble and saw something broken.
Michelangelo looked at it and saw David.
The people in your life are looking at you right now.
What they see matters more than you think.
Find your Michelangelo's.
Be one to someone else.
That's all for today's piece.
I hope you enjoyed it.
I hope you learned something and I hope you'll share it with others.
If you did enjoy this, you're going to love my first book, The Five Types of Wealth.
It's a New York Times bestseller and you can order it now on Amazon or anywhere books
As always, until next time, stay curious, friends.
