Tatiana - Chapter Study

Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of A Compulse for Eders Way Out.

Each week we post a new recording of a recovered compulsive eater.

They tell us how they found freedom by working in a 12 step solution.

If you are here for the first time, welcome.

We're so glad you've joined us.

There is hope and a way out.

A quick side note, the opinions expressed here are strictly those of the individual and

do not represent any 12 step entity.

This is simply the method of recovery that has worked for us and it's our pleasure and

duty to pass it on freely to those still suffering.

So now here's this week's episode.

In order to step the stone for this meeting, I ask that we draw our heads in a few moments

of silent prayer and meditation followed by the serenity prayer.

God, breath me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change

the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.

Hi everyone, today is Sunday March 1st.

My name is Tatiana and I'm a recovered compulsive eater and I'm your speaker for this

evening.

Welcome to our chronic compulsive years anonymous CTA, a way out speaker meeting.

This meeting meets every Sunday night at 8 p.m.

Eastern.

The night will be a chapter study, so let's get our meeting started.

This evening I will be reading chapter 2 of the big book of alcoholics anonymous on

page 17, page 17 through 29 and as I was preparing for this meeting I looked it over and

of course I mean I've read the book over and over many many times over the last 10 years

as in recovery.

It's and I was like wow this chapter is so cool, I mean it has so many things, it touches

upon so many different things that I could probably spend an hour on every like two pages

you know.

But it's actually 17 through 29, it's like 12 pages long so I'm going to try and move

a little bit more swiftly than I would like to but the chapter kind of it goes right

after Bill's story.

So the book starts with Doctor's opinion and there's Bill's story.

Bill's story is kind of like a qualification with a call qualification where Bill talks

about his drinking but also his thinking, how he thought and how he tried to quit and

for compulsive readers we actually study the big book of AA because we have exactly the

same thinking.

We have mental obsession that drives us to the first compulsive bite and then we start

binging and then after binging we start beating ourselves up you know and make a firm resolution

and then our mind kind of terrorizes us because if we say you know make a firm resolution

to get on a meal plan or something the mind now we take away our only source of ease

and comfort and so we start obsessing and it just always ends in the next thing and

in the next thing.

So this chapter 2 immediately follows Bill's story and it starts with these words.

We have alcoholics anonymous, no thousands of men and women who are once just as hopeless

as Bill.

Nearly all have recovered, they have solved the drink problem.

For us in CTA we are also in a weird like a band of bottom of the barrel you know compulsive

readers who have tried everything literally I mean everything means everything so not

a single one thing was left for us to try like for me you know I came to program in

the 1940s and I was out of options.

I was completely out of options there was nothing else, zero.

And then I heard these people you know who said we have recovered like what does that mean

we covered this word is actually some people find it controversial even though it is printed

right on the title page of the big book of A8 starts with the story of how many thousands

of men and women have recovered E.D. from alcoholism but no you have to be recovering what

is it me recovering like I'm not supposed to be like compulsive eating until the right

for the rest of my days or what you know so now I have been recovered for 10 years literally

since like February 26 was my 10th year anniversary and I was binging my entire life for decades

I was binging and trying to find a way to kind of not binge we all try many many different

routes and I couldn't and I just kept doing the same thing over and over and then I have

recovered.

So for the last 10 years I have not binged most yeah very much you know if you stick to

the program you just don't go both lead like these days you know I just keep my dinner

and I just go and I forget about food for until morning you know so we have recovered the

only I mean the only caveat is that we're not cured which means we actually have to

pay the price for recovery every day so we don't get to you know rest on our walls and

oh I recover the pay the buy you know no it's not as cheap recovery is you know it costs

us we pay the price every single day but if we do then we they recovered so to more

morning I am quite sure because it is meeting tonight well just kidding that because of

all the you know all the cumulative actions that I have done over the last years and the

principles upon which I live like honesty and you know altruism helping others you know

kindness and catching up catching all of my resentment or whatever character defects

if my spiritual state if my if I am spiritually fit it's pretty much a guarantee that tomorrow

morning I'm going to wake up and just going to be neutral around food and I'm going to be peace

long I'm going to be happy most of the time and that's how we recover so last paragraph

on page 17 the tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common

solution we have a way out let's name our podcast we have a way out on which we can absolutely

agree and upon which we can join in brotherly and harmonious action this is a great news that

this book carries to those who suffer from some positive eating yeah a common solution I mean

this cannot be overstated and on which we can absolutely agree interesting right because if you go

to some meetings like I was born and I'm in the beginning of my journey in the roster programs

I would go and I would hear things like well just you know just take what you like and leave

the rest or you know here's like a bunch of things you can do like go to meetings you know

call people and have them like a you know meal plan and I'm sitting there I'm like um

um like I've been like banging my head against the wall for the last like freaking 20 years

I have journals like my way to I don't know Mount Everest I have you know Paul people I have tried

every single possible it's like food solution like paleo keto veganism not veganism vegetarianism

I know that whatever like I've tried everything and I'm sitting here and I know if I get like

quote unquote meal plan um I'm gonna stick to it for like an hour and a half and then what do I do

we're like when I want to kill somebody and then I want to kill myself and they hate you and they

hate everybody and like you sitting here like cool I just eat a little extra piece of lettuce today

oh I guess I'm like I'm off my abstinence whatever it's like no that doesn't work for me

but what worked for me was this way out on which you can absolutely agree um and that way is

the steps in this book so if you follow this book precisely with a sponsor who has recovered

and knows how to follow this book precisely and not kind of wiggle your way out of it

and kind of do the halfway half measure half measure the way avail of something as we know

um then you will recover and it's really it's like the 12 steps are the first

way in the history of humankind over many thousands of years since people have been drinking

alcoholically this is the first time that people figured out

with the help of with divine help I mean I'm sure um how to stop drinking and be happy

great and for us as well so how to stop compulsively eating and be happy and not like

way in measure every like last milligram and molecule of food that you eat because that didn't

work either you know so um this program has to be like I mean it's just the value of this program

cannot be overstated a lot of people died while figuring out what the 12 steps and what the program

actually is you know it didn't just like fall from the sky in the form of the 12 steps you know

people had to wake experiment on their own lives you know and those who did it

or recovered those who deviated from it in some way um died you know from alcoholism many stories

you know and the same was compulsively eating so I'm not gambling with my recovery I'm sticking

to this book you know I'm not trying to do something else I'm not trying to avoid anything you know

I'm just like the way my sponsor told me and I know she's like me right she's crazy like me

and um not to criticize my sponsor I mean I love her but we're all crazy so I know she's been

doing it and I'm sticking to her and I'm doing it every day in order like I am willing to pay

the price for that for this recovery um okay page 18 um pair the last number three highly

competent psychiatrists who have dealt with us have found it sometimes impossible to persuade

an alcoholic compulsive eater to discuss his situation without reserve strangely enough

parents and intimate friends usually find this even more unapproachable than do the psychiatrist

and the doctor yeah so we don't generally relate to people who are not like us and compulsive

eaters are people are very different from regular people actually people are much more different

than we sometimes realize you know and we have compulsive eaters this is especially true

because like as as I mentioned you know those meetings that I was going to there was this

my woman there she was like well I've been on the meal plan for 30 years and I'm sitting there

looking and I'm like okay what's wrong with me I can I stick sending a plan for 30 years

like it couldn't be simpler and I'll just write down what you're gonna eat I just eat that

and not eat anything else like it's simple isn't it not so much if you're crying

approaching eaters right and when we go to I don't know therapy or whatever um when we talk to

other people we I mean we can dance around the truth forever and talk with oh my god and Charles

with trauma oh my god I grew up in this family blah blah blah oh yeah and by the way

I ate like three pounds of almonds last minute yeah um you know it's healthy isn't it

so we lie to ourselves incessantly constantly you know it's like not funny I mean it is funny

and it is tragic at the same time um so next paragraph it's in italics italics means it's very

important because they had to pay extra for italics and end up in those times and they really didn't

have money so they they had to like this is like really important but the ex problem drinker

Hicks for a problem compulsive eater who has found this solution who is properly armed with facts

about himself can generally win the entire confidence of another compulsive eater in a few hours

until such an understanding is reached little or nothing can be accomplished yeah so it's the

it would call the message of depth and weight when we find our kind of person like oh oh okay

I guess they do get it they do get it and we finally can share like the stuff that we do the

way that we eat the complete change that we live in and the depths of loneliness and despair

is through every addict including procedures experiences then we know and they know

you know like we found our tribe or as some people put it like you know I've always felt like

an alien in my yeah on earth that's how I felt I felt like I wasn't really quite human I was

just like an observer here um but we finally found a finder you know they ship you know to take us

back home and this program literally takes us back home to our higher power now where we really

belong you know even though we're still you know here in the physical body but we have that

connection to our creator that we were so sorely missing and that's why we were compulsive

eating so next paragraph last paragraph from page 18 and gives us a very good description

or how a sponsor should should conduct themselves um that the man who is making the approach has

had the same difficulty but he obviously knows what he's talking about that his whole

department shouts at the new prospect that he is a man with a real answer that he has no

attitude of whole ears and bow nothing whatever except the sincere desire to be hopeful

that there are no fees to pay no access to grind no people to please no lectures to be endures

these are the conditions we have found most effective after such an approach many take up their

their beds and walk again so yeah so we you know yeah with our sponsors it's kind of a very

business-like relationship there's no need to be like try to be friendly we don't even be friendly

like i'm not friends with my persiseries you know because at any point in time i need to be able to

tell them the hard quote quote truth you know that's what they hired me for you know um so there's no

like oh i support you oh you're poor thing or oh my god what happened to you and certainly it's

very very uh kind of neutral and professional relationship um based on like okay

first it would qualify the person's like um is our prospect chronic you know

have they reached the point of beyond human aid and if they have then everything's pretty clear

so okay are you dying yeah i'm dying okay i was dying too you want to hear what i did yeah okay

um are you gonna do what i told you to do yeah all right well here's what i did

and kind of like we we give our um pedestrian instructions and we watch them do it and if they do

it to the you know earnestly and honestly to the extent that they can um they recover and

they stay recovered and if they don't do it then it's like okay well i guess you have something

else to do besides the program so go ahead go ahead and do that and then if that doesn't work

come back and i'll help you again maybe all right don't maybe go to another sponsor it depends on

different people do different things but we also have no attitude of whole years and

i know i'm just like a singable theater and i respect my protege and prospects because they're

i mean my equal um brothers and sisters in god or i i mean i used to work god um not i don't

belong to a religion but i like to work out because it's short and sweet and to the point um and so

i respect my protege because they are on the same journey you know their higher power their

god led them to the program the same way that he led me and so we're just doing the same thing

and i'm just maybe a little bit longer in the program so maybe i have more experience i've

lived through more situations and so i can give them advice and make sure that they they do the

program properly according to the big book so um on page 19 first paragraph none of us makes

a sole vocation of this work normally we think its effectiveness would be increased if we did

with you that elimination of our drinking is what the beginning a much more important

demonstration of all principles was before us in our respective homes occupations and affairs

a lot of us spend much of our spare time in the sort of effort which we're going to describe

so we um literally as they say sometimes and i completely agree with the statement is that

every addict is kind of like uh it's a it's an illness of immaturity we are extremely immature

and i i am living proof like i i was consciously aware of that before program i tried a bunch of

different um self um self assessment you know self knowledge tools programs whatever and one of them

said just kind of sit quietly close your eyes and ask yourself how old do you actually feel like

how old do you feel in jazz and i was in my 40s right and so i'm sitting down close my eyes

and i'm like how old do i feel oh and then the answer comes comes i feel like i'm six years old

like i'm this child that really never had the chance to grow up um my time and

probably not through my own fault either because my you know when you have a lot of

stuff going on a lot of drama i love trauma um as a kid you literally you don't really have a

chance to grow up and so but as adults we can do that you know but the fact was that i was like

the slow little helpless you know child trying to live an adult life but i didn't know how to

i didn't know how to help people i didn't know what people wanted i didn't know how to care for

anybody i was just stuck in my selfishness um and literally yeah like i thought everybody owes

me something or as well everybody is like they know how to live life and i don't

someless close poor little thing and i'm just gonna you know look cute and manipulate everybody

and try to you know not take any responsibility whatsoever for anything that's you know

ideally right we know we don't like responsibility um and so yeah so okay then the program is kind

of like a we call it the book calls it the entire psychic change right so your entire inner world

is rearranged which it did it my world was just i was like whoa i had no idea like i literally

didn't know that i saw that i didn't have any kind of thing perception of myself like it's just

it's literally turned upside down they realized i wasn't who i thought it was um and then i'm

actually a person and not just like an alien floating up in the air or whatever so anyway so

you have this like huge awakening with you know like a big earthquake in your um and now

you basically have to start a new life it's like in a way it's like starting over i'm like okay

well if i'm in this body of an adult woman quote-unquote but i have the maturity of a six-year-old

then i need at least i need to grow up somehow you know and start like learning how to be an adult

and how to communicate to people how to you know help others and and stuff like that so

and really is yeah it's a development of character um in a lot of ways and um at some point i

also read somewhere my dad was alcoholic and i read in the book that uh children alcoholics

don't have an identity and uh and not really hit me hard hard i mean as in it was exactly what

was going on i didn't have an identity i didn't have like the personality i was always trying

to adapt to my environment and here on this person and there on that person so there was no like

solid you know um character and so that made me sad for a few days i walked around and like

what am i gonna do i am you know disabled for life oh my god why me but then um i just realized

like it was like this it's not inspiration but more like a message from my higher power and it's like

oh well you can just develop a new identity i mean but now you have god's help but why don't you

just build a new identity if you don't have one i was like oh okay i can do that so and since then

i can report you know i as far as like age age progression goes i remember kind of in the middle

of these last ten years i felt more like a teenager but now i actually do feel like an adult

finally so congratulations to me i've finally grown up but i mean that that's the case with um

and uh yeah the sort of effort right so we need to work this program is work

so we work for other people we work for other compulsive leaders and that's uh it's like a job

as i said you know you have to pay for recovery every day and so we have to put in the time and

effort um in order to get your paycheck which is vanity the next day um okay so page 19 now

is there the fifth point i'm actually getting pretty good on time each point one two three third

paragraph um how many times people have said to us i can take it as we leave it alone why can't he

why don't you drink like a gentleman or quit that fellow can't handle his liquor why don't you

try be on wine really isn't why don't you just try eating less or you can eat everything but

just a little bit it's simple and you look at these two both like um right simple for you

but impossible for me as a crying compulsive leader um and so on and so the doctor told him that

if he ever drank again it would kill him but there he is all lit up again yeah literally how

they go further Jay um i i never had like a doctor gave me give me a warning like that

but i have a couple of further days whose whose doctors told them like if you do this you can

instantly die from pancreatitis or whatever like you can die um after your next binge and

what do we do we go and binge right we don't listen to that it's really doesn't really even

register so um now these are commonplace representations on drinkers or compulsive leaders which

we hear all the time back of them is a world of ignorance as endless understanding we see that

these expressions refer to people whose reactions are very different from ours so we are

as um like a separate group of people where we are not like others i am a person who needs a 12

step step program in order to function and i say it now with you know it's kind of like a fact

basically whether i'm not particularly happy about because like i have to do this program but

just like anybody you know like if i had diabetes i would be in a position where i have to know

inject insulin every day and do certain things every day or if i have skin cancer

avoid sonic exposure or whatever so it's like it's a chronic illness unfortunately you know

you have to pay the price to stay recovered to stay normal um then we the book goes into description of

moderate and chronic drinker or eater in our case um moderate moderate eaters have little

trouble in giving up both eating entirely they have good reason for it they can take it or leave

it alone yeah so there are people who can overeat and then like they learn about nutrition they're

like oh i didn't know that okay cool i'll just stop eating this and this and this or i'll stop

eating up to six or quack and and they go on and they live a happy normal life without their mental

obsession right um then we have a certain type of hard drinker or hard compulsive eater

he may have the habit deadly enough to gradually impair him physically mentally it may cause

him to die a few years before his time if a sufficiently strong reason it'll help falling in love

changing environment or the warning of a doctor if he becomes operative this man can also stop or

moderate although he may find a difficult and troublesome and may even need medical attention

so yes other other people who have a harder time giving stuff up but they can do it like a few you know

like the same meal plan maybe it works for some moderate or hard even hard compulsive eaters

but what about the real alcoholic what about the real compulsive eater

he may start off as a moderate for me or may not become a continuous hard drinker

leader but at some stage of his compulsive eating career he begins to lose all control of his

liquor consumption of his compulsive eating once he starts to drink

here is the fellow who have been puzzling especially in his lack of control he does

absurd incredible tragic things welcome boss of the eating he's a real doctor jackal and mr.

hide he seldom seldom mildly intoxicated he's always more or less insanely drunk

yeah insanely the good word and absurd incredible tragic things welcome boss of the eating

that's what we do time lost you know you can do all kinds of crazy stuff when you can possibly eat

right but just the fact that I don't know just in my you know career compulsive eating

just the fact that I was stuffing myself for decades to the point like to the complete like

utter you know limit of my body of how much food I could fit into my stomach

until I start coming out you know I'm back out I'm not a blooming witness I just ate so much but

it's just complete like torture of my body I had an enlarged liver

I was poisoning my body with this amount of food you know it's like no matter what like

even if you eat the most healthy the healthiest food in the world if you eat it in the quantities

that I eat it you're gonna poison yourself and this lasted for decades it's just like it's

absolute torture it's like my poor body you know my poor liver my you know my illness didn't

care my illness couldn't care less about my body but whatever screwed you I'm gonna stuff you

until you can't breathe and you know your pulse is raging and you're just like oh I don't

want to talk to anybody so I'm only on my left side just barely breathing you know I'm

on board of sleep so yeah it's just horrible it's insane insane what we do because like we

in the doctor's opinion you know I discuss it's an all the amount of craving we have a body

that doesn't have a like a limit to how much we can eat so there's no like stop there's no barrier

to to the amount of food once we start compulsive eating we cannot stop and that's the first

time of a client compulsive eating so um all right then change 20 to and second there's

some bottom perhaps there never will be a full answer to those questions it's like why why do we

behave like this opinions may vary considerably as to why the cultivator reacts differently from

normal people we are not sure why once a certain point is reached little can be done for him we

cannot answer the riddle yeah a lot of newcomers um I've been fortunate to sponsor a lot of people

so I know a lot of different stories you know compulsive eating and usually in the beginning

people kind of start to like we rationalize not the rationalize with more like investing it's like

why am I eating because of this or am I eating because of that or like blah blah blah I said no

we don't actually don't know nor do we care it's like uh as um I heard somebody say

if you're standing on a burning bridge and you need to get like um you don't care who

ignited it he's on the whole you don't care how long it's been burning you don't care

what materials it's built on it's just you just need to get out you know and that's that's where

you know the way out off off this horrible roller coaster but we did not okay um

just look in my notes which paragraph to read so last paragraph we know that while the

compulsive ear keeps away from compulsive eating as he may do for months or years he reacts

much like other men we're equally positive that once he takes any alcohol or not case compulsive

white whatever into the system something happens both in the modeling and mental sense which makes

it virtually impossible for him to stop the experience of any compulsive ear will abundance

leap on that knowledge yeah so that's that's the the first um the first part of step one the first

part of our diagnosis is like can you stop when you start compulsive eating and I should probably

mention like what compulsive eating means like what to understand and compulsive eating so

our body is um it needs food right and so uh we cannot stop eating like so we're not really

addicted to food we're actually addicted to the act of compulsive eating that's a behavioral

addiction and so you can use food in two ways at least two ways right so one way is to know

should buy when you eat because you're hungry you know because your body wants something that's

normal eating and then there's compulsive eating compulsive eating is eating for easing comfort

they're eating for emotional reasons not for physical bodyway reasons but because you feel lonely

or you feel bored or you feel happy um and just to enhance your emotional state so we use food

as compulsive features for that emotional state we call it easing comfort um and once you start

eating for that reason uh in most cases if you're still in the illness you won't be able to stop

when we recover we actually stop eating for those reasons we stop compulsive eating um and so

we just eat normally the problem is when you're in your illness if you're still you know if you

haven't worked the steps yet they're still in compulsive eating um they it can be very confusing

because i before program i didn't understand what normal eating what because i was always compulsive

eating since i ever since i can't remember i was a compulsive eating so i didn't know but i

just trusted that at some point you know i will learn and yeah and i eventually um when i

sanity returned to my mind i started distinguishing between oh okay oh that's what normal eating is

like oh wow that's cool okay and so um now i know the difference but before program i didn't

but that's okay you don't have you can just work the steps um okay page 24 these observations would

be academic and pointless if our friend never took the first compulsive bite thereby

sitting the terrible cycle in motion therefore the main problem of the compulsive eating

sensors in his mind rather than his body yeah we sent it centers in our mind we um

are very sick people we don't understand how sick we are until we work the steps and we spend

some time in recovery and the longer you will recover the more horrified you are at the way

you were before i was like whoa like i was really crazy when you come to program we don't know

any better we think we're normal i mean yeah there's this thing with food but i'm probably

i'm a normal person i just you know think um but eventually you kind of realize how like that

shit crazy you were and uh just grateful that i i didn't die you know i'm actually i'm pretty

sure it would be dead by now if i didn't come to program you know in 10 years i would have you

know found a way to like finish myself off because i i was just super immersive um and i hated

myself with all my heart um so yeah i'm here and i would really like yeah i'm here because

because i was burned out and um and the last

two and four and i'll push them you see

um the second paragraph the second full paragraph on

page 23 it's funny once in a while he may tell the truth

um and i showed before them if you're asking why he started on that last vendor the chances are

he will offer you anyone of a hundred alibis sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility

but none of them really make make sense in the light of the havoc and alcoholic stringing

about creates they sound like the philosophy of the man who having a headache beats himself

on the head with a hammer so that he can't feel the ache if he draws this delicious reasoning to

the attention of an alcoholic he will laugh it off or become irritated and refuse to talk

yeah in our case it will be something like a lot of people like oh but i'm addicted to sugar

oh but i'm addicted to this or oh i'm just you know eating at night and

wubble wise like the illness is so cunning and baffling like it doesn't want us to see the truth

that kind of dances around it's like oh it just you know but it like three years ago

had this new plan and it was on it but um well what about now oh well um but three years ago

i could you know it's like um just admit the truth but you can no longer be on the meal plan

no that that would be too honest you too direct and i don't want to admit that i'm a loser in life

you know um so but once and while he may tell the truth and the truth strange to say is usually

that he has no more idea why he took that first drink than you have some drinkers have excuses

with which they're satisfied part of the time but in their hearts they really do not know

why they do it yeah that's why we come to this program thoroughly confused but pretending that

we're not confused and pretending that we know everything and i read all these books and whatever

and i know every like diet under the sun i know how to eat um but there's this one little problem

i can't follow my own advice and it can't follow my own decisions right so yeah once in a

while i may tell the truth and i can look the truth in the eye and be absolutely horrified

absolutely horrified um the two things you know happened to me in step one with one i was

literally staring my death in the eye like i knew this is it i knew like this is going to be the

end of me at some point i had nowhere else to turn i was like completely like in a dead end

and it's a good word no a dead end um and the second thing that i understood is that i was literally

living in hell but as they say the book says blotting out in my consciousness my they

intolerable situation but i was living in hell and i pretended to be successful and cool and posting

you know wonderful pictures on facebook and i wonder for my life is because everything on the

surface looks great um but internally i was just it was just it was just really sad you know

and the one thing that we do get or the the main thing maybe that we do get in in program is the

incredible quality of life and that's why i'm willing to pay the price you know because i want

this quality of life i want this guarantee i want this piece i want this feeling that i'm being

taking care of them i'm no longer lonely i never feel lonely and so yeah that's that's what we

i fight for you know i fight for no to help others but also to me um i mean because i'm a

child of God and i'm worthy of this great life and i'm willing uh living right now and i wish

the same for you for every single person who listens to this podcast you know there's enough

God for everybody there's enough love and care um from our our higher power to everybody

and uh however you understand your higher power there's still enough love for you

um and that is my favorite subject in life and basically you know um i know that

that connection to God connection to my hand power is my absolutely number one priority nothing

else um will ever satisfy me so i'm not chasing material stuff anymore i'm not chasing status money

you know houses whatever relationships i mean it's nice i i'm happy with what happened in my life

but that's not my priority you know i'll drop everything for a deeper connection to God

like it's not a matter of question so um okay so basically three

um

how true this this is you re on in the vague way their families and friends

with these drinkers are abnormal but everybody hopefully awaits the date when the sufferer will

rouse himself from his leshergy and the surreth is power of will the tragic truth is that it's a man

be a real alcoholic the happy day may not arise he has lost control at a certain point in the

drinking of every alcoholic he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking

is absolutely no avail this tragic situation has already arrived in practically every case long

before it is suspected yeah yeah so sometimes you hear words like oh you just need to want this

enough maybe you don't want it enough that meal plant you know that way of controlling your food

maybe you just don't exert maybe you need to exert just a little bit more of that so well

and for us it is tragic because we just can't we have lost control we have lost power we have lost

choice and the happy day may not arise i fully realize that as i am one of the lucky ones and one

of those who reach that bottom the proverbial bottom that convinced me that this is it this is

like for last stand i'm not going back no no thank you so yeah not not everybody is that lucky you know

not that many people have been programmed for many years unfortunately but anyway

um on page 24 um the fact is that most compulsive leaders for reasons yet obscure have lost the

power of choice in compulsive eating our so-called wheel power becomes practically non-existent

we are enabled certain times to bring into your consciousness with sufficient force

that memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago we are without

defense against the first compulsive way yeah it's as if you know my mental obsession you know just

i didn't realize but um i didn't realize how much i was thinking and i realized the quantity of

thoughts you know the number of thoughts in my mind it was just like absolutely exhausting

it's like my my brain was working like over time like overheating you know like if you know about

computers like on a computer processor like constantly thinking constantly thinking like what

am i gonna eat long gonna eat long gonna eat this is good this is good about this is healthy or not

okay if my stomach's hot how do i look in the mirror you know what am i gonna eat again

how when is when is dinner dinner oh is it dinner is it dinner is it dinner okay now

nighttime again i'm gonna analyze my date like how did they behave did they do this did they

do that was all right or wrong let's concoct some philosophical theories about how it behaved and

it's just like in overdrive it was just my our brains like literally i think my brain

ultimately just melts it down and it just can't we we have this like uh we are without defense

against the first composite by so whenever that first thought comes or whenever my hand you know

reaches the next you know thing i'm gonna binge on there's no defense there's no stop there's

no stopping my next inch i have lost the power of choice that's it i can make all some resolutions

and their effect is euro so it it's and then this is what's called my life has become unmanageable

um so i want to read my favorite story one of my favorite stories maybe my i think they're

sure that fits male in my chapter i think it's in chapter four but this one is about

the doctor called Carl Pion because he was um you know i haven't they utmost admiration for

Carl Pion he was a very famous psychoanalyst brilliant absolutely brilliant inspired man

who had who was like one of the main influences probably huge influence in every single therapist

these days and so he and he was the one who gave us a solution okay um he was on page 36

a story about Roland Hazard a certain American businessman had ability good sense and high

character for years he had floundered from one sanitarium to another he had consulted the best known

American psychiatrist then he had gone to europe wasting himself in the care of a celebrated

physician dog the psychiatrist doctor young who prescribed for him though experience had

made him skeptical he finished his treatment with unusual confidence the surgical mental

condition were unusually good above all he believed he had acquired such a profound knowledge

of the inner workings of his mind and it's hidden springs that relapse was unthinkable yeah

here's like he got cocky right nevertheless he was drunk in a short time more baffling still he could

give himself no satisfactory explanation for his fall so he returned to this doctor who can be

whom he admired and asked him point blank why he could not recover why is a great question

I love asking the question why he wished above all things to regain self control he seemed

quite rational and well balanced with respect to other problems yet he had no control whatever

the whole I was this he backed the doctor to tell him the whole truth and he got it in the doctor's

judgment he was utterly hopeless he could never regain his position in society and he would have

the place himself under lock and key or higher bodyguard if he expected to live long that was a great

physicians opinion but this must still live and is a free man it does not need a bodyguard nor is

he confined he can go anywhere on the earth on this earth where other three men may go without

disaster provided he remains willing to maintain a certain simple attitude some of our alcoholic

readers may think they can do without spiritual help let us show you the rest of the conversations

our friend had with his doctor the doctor said you have the mind of a chronic alcoholic

I have never seen one single case recover never seen one single case right where the state of

mind existed to the extent that it does in you our friend felt as though the gates of hell as closed

had closed on him with a coin that's that one the gates of hell a huge gift he said to the doctor

is there no exception of course we think we're exceptional is there no exception yes

reply the doctor there is is a matter of fact exceptions to cases such as yours have been

occurring since early times here and there once in a while alcoholics have had what we what are

called vital spiritual experiences to me these occurrences are phenomena which means unexplained

they appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements ideas emotions

and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly

cast to one side and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them

in fact i have been trying to produce some such emotional variations within you but

with my individual with many individuals the methods which I employed are successful but I have

never been successful as an alcoholic of your description so yeah so here doctor young gave us

a solution he said our minds are beyond repair my mind is beaten into a bloody problem with all

this mental obsession okay so I have no chance of recovering except with the exception that I

have a vital spiritual experience if I let God if I let my higher power inside my mind and interestingly

right so he says here it's just once in a while it's a phenomenon like once you know in a million

like this person suddenly has this light bulb go on in his mind but the treasure of this program

is that it produces such miracles on a daily basis basically you can take a person and guarantee

that they will have a vital spiritual experience and stop compulsively eating if they're ready for

this program and if they do the work so now we are at the 55 minutes mark so

I need to stop stop reading so seven tradition every CCA group ought to be fully self-supporting

declining outside contributions if members desire to contribute they can make donation to our

WSO World Service through PayPal at chroniceaters.org slash contribute for questions about this

meeting or if you're looking for a sponsor please send emails to ccea way out at gmail.com

recordings can be accessed on apple and google podcast Spotify and podbean by typing in the

search box a compulsive eaters way out if you are interested in other cca meetings that follow

the big book please visit chroniceaters.org our book is meant to be suggestive only we realize

we know only a little God will constantly disclose more to you and do us ask him a new morning

meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick the answers will come if

you're on the house is in order but you obviously cannot transmit something you haven't got

tea to it that your relationship with him is right and great events will come to pass for you

and for countless others this is a great fact for us abandon yourself to God as you understand God

admit your false to him and to your fellows clear away the records of your past you freely

of what you find and join us we shall be with you in the fellowship of this spirit and you will

surely need some of us as you charge the road of happy destiny may God bless you and keep you

until then this is from the big book page 164 now let's have a moment of silence for the

book to be told who's still software is followed by the serenity prayer or a prayer of your own choosing

seven times God grant me the serenity except the things that cannot change

for us to change the things that can and with them to know the different

well that's a wrap for today we hope this episode has informed and comforted those looking for

a solution to the illness of compulsive eating we'll leave you with a closing quote from the big

book on page 153 our hope is that when this chip of a book is launched on the world tide of

alcoholism defeated drinkers will seize upon it to follow its suggestions many we are sure will

rise to their feet and march on they will approach still other sick ones and fellowships of

alcoholics anonymous may spring up in each city and hamlet havens for those who must find a way out

note the intro outro music is super friendly by Kevin McLeod at incompetect.com licensed under

the creative comments 4.0 by attribution license