Tales From The Rack #10: Buzz(031826)

0:00Let's go! From Nintendo and Illumination, the Super Mario Brothers can take care of the Kingdom. Comes a super-powered adventure. On April 1st. Pack our things. The Galaxy gets even bigger. He knows that's my bike, right? The Super Mario Galaxy movie, the Hoodie PGA, only a beautiful first. Get to get's now. Next up, on the Mutual Audio Network, Fiction from our Future. The following audio drama is rated PG for parental guidance. Hello. This is the chap who normally comes on at the start of these podcasts. This time affecting a simply dreadful purchase accent, for if I don't miss my guess. We're listening to this as part of the rack. The Icebox Radio Theatre's new podcast of fantasy and science fiction.

1:01And nothing says fantasy quite so much as an American actor attempting to sound like something he's not. Now we love all of our listeners, of course. But we especially love those who have stepped through the velvet ropes to become a listening supporter. Castles in spaceships are quite inexpensive to render here in the world of audio. But petrol money for actors as well as new microphones and equipment are somewhat less so. So we continue to depend on you, the wonderful listener, to help us, continue to bring these stories to the world. Simply go to our website, that's iceboxradio.org and look for the word support across the top of the page there. On that page you can learn all about our Patreon, you can learn about our membership program, or even just how to drop a five-hour in the post. We're not picky. We just appreciate whatever kind attention you and your checkbook may be able to offer us. And now, since gravity be the soul of wit, I yield for this evening's presentation.

2:10You are driving in a dark forest, the pine boughs heavy with snow. At the end of a long dirt track road, you arrive at your destination. It's a small, weather-beaten motel called, to Georges-Gélie. It's not much to look at, really. Just a single, weather-beaten shack surrounded by a half-dozen equally run-down cabins. Out back, there's a dingy fishing dock right next to the spaceport. And a few picnic tables for cleaning fish conveniently placed right next to the time portal. So, it's easy to dispose of the chump. Come up to the office now. Let the bear in the tuxedo take your bags. Ask the time traveling Viking at the concierge desk if you have any questions, and then step up to the main desk to meet the owner, old Pierre. Hello, and welcome to Georges-Gélie motel.

3:11Looking for something to do? We have all kinds of tourist information right over here. I invite you to select a brochure from... ...Therada. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Mother... Got him. Mother, please. Got him good! Mother, forgiveness say, come inside. Don't want to. Me and Mr. Zapy, here we're in the fine time. Mother, it's sick, sitting out here just to watch mosquitoes fly into that bug zapper. Ooh, that was a moth. It's not healthy, mother. Oh, you don't want me to have any fun. Now go on in and watch your program. Mother's busy. I'm not watching a program, mother. I'm surfing the internet. Screens of screen, that's what I say. Give me a good bug zap any day. This is going to come back to hunt you someday, mother. You just watch. Ha, two of them that time. Oh, bless.

4:11Oh, my God. Ha, sonny doesn't know what he's missing, doesn't know. What's that? What? Strange. Don't think I've ever seen mosquitoes flying a swarm like that before? Wonder what's there? Come over here for. Hey, get off of you little buggers. What are you doing? You're grabbing me somehow. They got me. They got me. Mother, where did she go to? The ice box radio theater presents Buzz. The Northland, Minnesota, in summertime, a pristine lake laps gently at the shore while a lone figure, a girl of maybe 13, stands at water's edge, absently tossing rocks.

5:14From up the shore, a boy about her age approaches. Hey, Chloe. What? Just, hey. What? Hey, a friendly acknowledgement in our cane backwards dialect known as English. Are you making fun of me, Rick? Why would I do that? You know why, everyone knows why. Chloe, are you honestly still worried about that? No one remembers. Everyone remembers. You don't just trip and fall flat on your face, walking in to health class, your very first day in a new school at a small town and ever live it down. It was funny. It was not funny. Give me a good impression on the floor. You need to relax, Chloe. You don't understand. First, mom gets her stupid job and decides to move us to the stupid town at the end of the stupid world. Then she meets your stupid dad, no offense. And suddenly I'm stuck with not only in life I don't like, but the stupid brother to share it with. You have a lot of anger. Don't you, Chloe. Oh, you don't understand. I never claim to.

6:16Why do you think that everyone in town is supposed to understand? Half the time, you don't even know what you're talking about. What? You know what I mean. No, what? What? What is that? Where? In the lake. That's... Ew. That's a deer. It's dead. I figured that much out by the way it was floating with its tongue hanging out. We should bring it in. Oh, why? It's not natural for a dead deer to be floating by. Maybe it was shop by a poacher. So, this isn't right. Meanwhile, in a non-descript domestic sedan speeding across Wisconsin. Agent Jones speaking, clearance code, please. What? Yes, this is a restricted government communications channel reserved for communications between me and my superior. This is your superior, you idiot. Jones, I keep telling you I'm the only one that can call you on this phone.

7:18Yes, that's just what I thought you'd say. Security code. Fine. Wait a minute. Okay. The speed car ruined my best antenna. Sorry. That was last week. The plane called Paul Million Madrid. Nope. The spotted parent mocks on Tuesdays? Chief! Good to talk to you. Jones, for the 50th time, this is a secure saw line. Nothing, secure chief. That's why I'm in the security business. No, Jones, nothing is secure because you're in the security business. Why, thank you, chief. Are you at the installation? Quarter mile to go. As always, your timing's impeccable. This news is better. Be good. I'd law be hard for that project. And if it's not coming together like you said, I'm... Oh, no. What? I don't know. Chief, I think we hit a snag. How big of a snag? Oh, it's nothing insurmountable. In fact, I'm formulating a backup plan as we speak.

8:20I'm tingling with relief. How big of a snag? Well, we'll need a new facility for operation buzzier. Why? Because this one's on fire. And all the windows are broken. And it looks like the scientists ran away. Oh, no. Well, maybe they're dead. It's hard to tell with all the black and rubble lying around. And you're telling me your car ride scheme for the new secret weapon? Escape? Possibly not. Two or three windows of the building still appear to be intact. Get back in now. You want me to return to base? Yes, you idiot. What is the return to base code, chief? If that's really who you are. Ah! Meanwhile, one day later, back in Minnesota. It doesn't make sense. Hey, Rick. Hmm. So, what geeky thing are we doing now? I'm studying these reads. Sorry I asked.

9:21I think something's wrong with the lake. I know it's wrong with the lake. It's too far from civilization. Do you think you can try to be serious? This could be the site of a major ecological disaster. Really? You mean it didn't just drown? It's not the drowning that worries me. It's the floating. Why? If it had drowned, its stomach and lungs would be full of water. No buoyancy. That deer died on dry land and was put in the lake. So, it was like a murder? When someone kills a deer, it's not called murder. It's called hunting. Maybe it was another deer. Another deer? Okay. So, our deer squealed on the deer mafia and got whacked. Is that it? What is that? The deer mafia? It's a joke, Chloe. You can be so thick-sum. No, no. What is that? Don't you hear it? Yeah. I don't see anything though. There, right across the lake. It's not the lake. That's a bay. I mean, there. That. Right there.

10:21You mean the cow? Love the cow. Flying. Oh, there. I see it. Those are nats. Nats don't make that much noise. The mosquitoes, then. Since when did the mosquitoes fly in packs? Swarms. Bugs of swarms. Wolves and dogs are packed. Right. When you're done listing relevant facts, would you kindly answer my previous question? What question? What is that? That's... That's a swarm of mosquitoes. It's a swarm of mosquitoes carrying a cow. Rick? Yeah. Do they do that? No. I mean, yeah. A flock of mosquitoes just carried away a cow. Swarm. Whatever. They carried away a cow. A cow's really heavy, Rick. This situation's really heavy, Chloe. We have to tell somebody. You have to tell somebody. I'm going home to lay down and hopefully wake up when I'm 25 and living in another state. I'm serious. We have to tell someone. No, I know.

11:26Can I help you, kids? You tell her. No, you tell her. No, you tell her. Kids, I'm really busy here. Oh, hang on a second. So, you police department can I help you? This is crazy. We cannot just tell the police that we saw bugs object to cow. We have to tell somebody. And you already chickened out at the park range, your office. But this is crazy. It's what we saw. Why are you so flaky about this? Look, you're Mr. Brainiac at school. I don't have a reputation as yet. And I'd rather not become the Brainiac crazy step-sister who sees things. It's all social life with you, isn't it? Okay, kids. Now, I'm very busy. So, what can I do for you? Excuse me. Uh-oh. Um, hang on a second, kids. Mr. Baumgartner? I've been waiting for two days now. I know, sir. Some kind of word. Something. Sir, we've had search and rescue out. We've looked all over the part of the lake you live on. It's not enough. Mother's been gone for two days. Well, has it ever occurred to you that she took off on her own? She has practically blind.

12:26And her license expired in 1978. She did not take off. She was taken. Now, Mr. Baumgartner. She was kidnapped or abducted or something like that. And I want you to find out what. Now, I just want my mummy. Uh, kids. Could you wait outside? Yeah, sure. Okay. You lazy police department. That's Mr. Baumgartner. I heard. I heard. He lives on the lake just down from where we saw the cow. You're not thinking his mom got it. They could carry away a cow, Chloe. A person would be a lot easier. And the varies. Uh, Mr. Baumgartner? What? Oh, that's you, Rick. We're... We're sorry about your mom. Oh, thank you. Stupid police. They're not doing anything. It's like the sheriff, the park people. Sir, I don't mean to pry. But... Just vanished. Mother's just gone. One minute she was sitting on the porch and joined her bug zapper. The next minute? Hope. Her bug zapper? Yes. It's her favorite pastime during the summer. Watching mosquitoes fly into the zapper? She used to call it sending them off to the chair.

13:27Isn't that kind of cute? Uh, yeah. Sir, I don't mean to sound... I don't know. Weird or something. But do you think the bugs could have... Uh, done something with your mom? Like what? Uh, I don't know. Carried her off? Well, that's just great. First, mother disappeared. And now the local teeny-boppers are making a joke out of it. No, no, I didn't mean anything like that. Bucks flying away with mother? Very funny. What's the matter? Dead baby jokes? Not tasteless enough for you? Sir, I really didn't mean anything by it. I was just... Yes, leave me alone. Your little punk. Leave me alone. Way to go, Chloe. I had to ask. You won't go to the Rangers. You get us kicked out of the police station and now you insult the neighbors. I don't see how this can get any worse. Stop right there. Both of you. You scared me. Are you hiding in the bushes? That information is classified. Classified? I'm Jones. Agent Jones of the United States government. You're both coming with me.

14:28The Icebox Radio Theatre will be back right after this. As we rejoin our story, Chloe, Rick and the mysterious Agent Jones are in a car, heading out Highway 11 towards Rainy Lake. No, no, you have it wrong, Carol. Chloe! Carla, this isn't kidnapping. I'm working for your safety. You keep saying that, but you're not making any sense. If I made sense, children, it would be a serious threat to national security. So, this is something to do with the government. What's something to do with the government? The mosquitoes that pick up cows and fly away with them? No, that's impossible. We saw them do it. Really? Hmm. Living in the wild must have improved their weight limit. What? Nothing. Nothing. I've changed my mind, children. I don't need to ask you any more questions. I'll just take you home. But first, perhaps you could tell me where you saw this flying cow. It was right over there. Out! Everybody out!

15:28Here, we're not home yet. Pressing needs have to return to Washington. Come on, come on! And incidentally, we've never had this conversation. We never spoke. I, in particular, didn't say anything. Affirmative? Huh? Excellent. You're doing your country a favor, children. Like the little Dutch boy, your finger in the dyke of silence, stopping up the diverted, culvert of fear from flooding the two fields of security. Farewell. See? This is so unfair. What? I'm too young to have a license, but people like that drive around free. Well, if we're lucky, that's the last we'll see of them. For some reason, I don't feel very lucky. Me neither. Come on. The next day, along the shore. Okay, so what are we looking for again? Any sound of the mosquitoes? Floating deer? Empty boats? Anything? We've got to find a way to prove these things exist. I wish Dad hadn't repaired the video camera. Why? Because if he hadn't, we'd have a working video camera.

16:30Oh, you're kidding. You don't believe it. Hoi, mateys, how fair are you? Oh, Agent Jones. My name's not Agent Jones. Why be Colin McGillery-McTavish? A fisherman lived in these waters and I own 30 years now. That's got to be the worst accident I've ever heard. Are you trying to go undercover, Agent Jones? Shh. I am undercover Ryan. I'm posing as a Canadian fisherman. Well, that explains the tube, the yellow rain year, and the hockey jersey. But the canoes all wrong. Why? It says rainy lake rentals on the side and generally, you don't use oars with the canoes. Right, right. Get rid of the oars. But you should keep one for a paddle. Right, right. A paddle. Listen, kids, your country needs you. You mean Canada? No, no. I work for the American government. That's good news for Canada. I'm supposed to be doing reconnaissance on this lake. And it's not going well. Really? I could use your help. Doing what? I can't tell you that.

17:31Then how do we know how to help you? I need your eyes and your ears. Because you're looking for something? Right. But if you don't tell us what we're looking for, how do we know what to look for? It doesn't matter because you already know. You do? You do? Sure. You're looking for the mosquitoes. Swarms of killer mosquitoes that appear to be intelligent enough to hunt in groups. What I'd really like to know is where they came from. Oh, I can't tell you that. And then have fun with your rocon-new leafy and watch out for the reefs. Okay, okay. You made your point. I can't tell you everything, but... Yes? Get in the canoe. Would we have to paddle? No. No. I have an outboard motor right here. Uh, sir. That's a weed eater. I think I'm beginning to understand why the clerk in the store was so happy to see me. All right, Agent Jones. We got in the canoe. Yeah, and the field where we saw the cow is right over there.

18:32So quit stalling and tell us where they came from. I can't do that, but I can tell you what they are. An ecological mistake? An experiment gone wrong? Neither. These are genetically engineered insects, infused with certain DNA from pack hunters. Pack hunters, like wolves? Coyotes specifically. Wolf DNA didn't work as well. So what are they for? Covert military. These bugs were to disorient the enemy camp. Steel livestock tie up their resources, that sort of thing. It's almost impossible to completely destroy a mosquito population. So once we plant them in an area, that would make it virtually uninhabitable. But if they're that destructive, they can wreck the lake. Which is all the more reason to catch them. You're going to catch a mosquito swarm? No. We just need to locate them. The military will come in and do the rest. Great. What is it? I heard two. It's over there. Man, the pedal, kids. We've got to get over there. No, we don't.

19:32Why? Because the swarm's coming right at us. Okay, that's good. They're getting lower. Good. We can observe them. You're getting really low. They're picking us up. This is amazing. Look at them working together like a big team. A big team that's carrying us away. Don't worry. We're perfectly safe. See? One mosquito bites. They don't bite. Not until they get us back to their dead and start feeding. Then... Oh, yeah. Oh, we've got to get out of here. We have to do something. Chloe, take it easy. You'll make them drop the canoe. That's what I'm trying to do. We're 50 feet in the air. Better go down drowning than to become lunch for bugs. Let me go. Cola, please. Let me go. Let me go. Oh, that hurts my ears. Chloe. Chloe. Oh. Oh! Are you kids okay? What happened? I mean, they just dropped us. Yeah.

20:32From 50 feet straight up. Well, lucky we didn't land on the rocks and get killed. Hang on, Rick. I think we should be thanking your sister. Step sister. Whatever. You, Carla, have just saved our lives. And it's clear now the situation calls for my all-purpose contingency plan. What is it? I can't tell you that. But, rest assured, the plan was thought up by the greatest minds we have. I'll need a cow, some oats, and a case of vodka. Should we ask? No. A day later, Chloe and Rick found themselves on a large island in the middle of Rainy Lake. As a seaplane circled overhead, the kids prepared part of Agent Jones's elaborate plan on a grassy meadow below. I can't believe we're doing this. Taking care of a cow? No, getting a cow drunk. Well, this is the plan. Yeah. Agent Jones's plan. Which is the thing that burns me. Playing the sky to the ground, needing more than knowing the ground.

21:33Come in, ground me. Agent Jones, this is us. What do you want? Is the test subject receptive to a special cereal we make for her? If you mean, does the cow like booze? Yeah, she likes it. No, no, no. Swarher has much more than just a little bit of that cow. It ought to be like green even in her room. Why do we need to get her drunk? That cow's not in any danger, is she? I mean, it doesn't seem fair that we should just put her at risk like this. Don't worry, Clara. I'm just here to wake up tomorrow with a bit of a hangover. That's why we won't let those bloodbuckers go too far with her. Tell you kids, tie up that cow and beat me on the next side of the island to lock bring the first wave down and pick you up. Okay. Here, binoculars for both of you. Thanks. We have to keep a sharp lookout for the swarm. How do you know they'll actually find the cow? Well, as we've been flying around the area, I've been periodically throwing hamburger out of the plane,

22:33putting a scent of blood in the wind as it were. Ew. Yeah, doesn't that make a mess? Of course not. I covered them in shrink wrap. Uh, carrot mosquitoes smell through the shrink wrap? Well, of course they can't. Oh. Never mind. I think I see them. Where? Coming in from the north. Yeah, I see them too. They're headed right for the island. We'll circle in around and make sure they find the cow. This is perfect, Captain. I think they smell her. Yeah, they're headed right down to the island. Careful. Careful. Yes! They have her! She doesn't look too happy, guys. Don't worry. We'll take perfect care of that cow. Keep your distance, Captain, but don't lose them. They seem to be heading southeast. That makes sense. It's along the shoreline, and it's more remote. Wait, wait a minute. They're heading down. They are where? Right there. Near that forested patch with all the rocks and stuff. Set the plane down, Captain. I think we found their lair.

23:34You promise she's not going to be hurt? If we can get to her in time, what are we looking for anyway? Okay. Maybe a swamp. It's tough to say what these bugs will find homey. It's bossy. This way. We're coming, girl. There she is. She's covered with bites. Poor girl. I don't see this swarm anywhere. What happens now? If my calculations are correct, the mosquitoes have sucked enough of this boozy bovine's plasma to be pretty lethargic themselves. At my command, the National Guard will fly overhead with nearly a square mile of mosquito netting. All we have to do is find the swarm, tell the guard where to drop the net, and we're done. They're over there. I can hear them. You're right. Let me put the coordinates into my GPS unit. The bugs don't sound very lethargic. Yeah, they sound a little mean. Oh dear. I hadn't thought of that. What now? Well, alcohol affects different people in different ways.

24:35I think our swarm is a bunch of mean drugs. Run! Ah! They're all over and they're furious. What do we do? Huh? To the water. There's no time. Quick flowy. Scream. What? Scream. It's the only thing that'll drive them away. It may be our only chance. Motor! It's no fun. They're just getting that near. Hey. Hey, they got me. Oh no! Quick! Help! Quick! Almost to the lake. The plane. But they've got my brother. I know. Come on. Can you see them? Yes. Yes. They have your brother and they're carrying him north. Isn't that away from their island? The alcohol must have disoriented them. They don't know where they're flying. What can we do? Well, we've already made contact with the Canadian authorities. They said they'd be ready for the mosquitoes. But if they kill the bugs, they'll drop Rick.

25:35I don't think they mean to kill them. They said they had a secret weapon of some kind. There. Down there. Those two men? Yes. That island's on the Canadian side. What are they doing? Those are loudspeakers. What the... Look. The bugs. Rick, where's Rick? He's down there. Did the bugs let go of him? It was more like they dove straight into the lake. Is he all right? I think... Yes. There. I can see Rick swimming. He's okay. Land, captain. We have a very brave boy to pick up and some Canadian comrades to thank. More hot chocolate, Rick? I'm fine.

26:35I just really itch. So, what happened at the end? We couldn't tell from the plane. I don't know. The mosquitoes had me. Then they just dove straight into the lake. I want to make them do that. I think I can shed some light on that theory. Just a little bit. I'm glad you came over. Oh, yeah, right. Well, I'm Park Ranger Bob, and this is my partner, Doug. How's it going, eh? We want to make sure your little guy come out of the drink there, okay? I'm fine. Thanks. Oh, that's good. You Americans, you come up with some crazy ideas, but this one's a doozy. Intelligent mosquitoes? Well, we didn't mean for them to be quite this intelligent. And we've got to know, how did you stop them? That was all you, eh? Yeah. When you told us the girls screaming, drove the bugs away, and that you theorized they were sensitive to high-pitched noises. Like 75, no way hurts, eh? Probably a side effect using the K9 DNA. Right. We knew just what to do. That's the Lindy on. Kind of the secret weapon, eh? More powerful than the bomb. Shut up, eh? They're Americans.

27:35They'll come at us with some worse next time. Take off, eh? You're else telling me what to do. Well, if you weren't so stupid all the time. Well, if I weren't so stupid, if brains were doughnuts, you'd have to blast him a bit in the box. You can know what I mean. If brains were doughnuts, I'd be better. Right. So, with my screams scared them, Lindy on must have driven the mosquitoes into a suicidal rage. I'm sorry about your bugs, Agent Jones. That's all right, Ron. I'm just glad you're okay. And through this all, I've learned a very important lesson. What's that? Nature always provides. When I created a hybrid insect capable of great damage and loss of life, nature provided silly and Dion to combat them. It's beautiful in its own way. Agent Jones, can we just go home now? Oh, sure. Let me unlock the canoe. Did that salesman sell you a canoe security system? Along with that other stuff? Well, yes, why? Never mind. The Icebox Radio Theater will be back right after this.

28:39Dude, where were you? Where was I? What? It's Saturday. It's 630. Oh no, I'm such an idiot. I meant to listen to the Icebox Radio Theater, but I forgot again. Dude, calm down. You may have beefed on the show, but guess what? I'm like checking out the Icebox blog at iceboxradio.org. You won't believe it. Whoa, there's a podcast now. If you miss an episode on the radio, just go to iceboxradio.org. In a couple of days, that episode will be there. Listen on your computer, on your iPod, whatever. The Icebox Radio Podcast. At iceboxradio.org. I'll never miss another episode again. Also available in iTunes. You have been listening to Buzz by Jeffrey Adams, a production of the Icebox Radio Theater. Your players this evening were, Michael White as sunny, Mara Drostead as mom,

29:40Dave Irwin portrayed the chief, Tanya White played the police officer, Jeffrey Adams was Ranger Bob, David Irwin was Ranger Doug, Steve Sinclair portrayed Agent Jones, Varian Irwin was Rick, and Jessica Liggins played Chloe. Direction and sound design by Jeffrey Adams. For more information on the Icebox Radio Theater, visit our website at www.iceboxradio.com. It can be in the sound of the orchestra preparing, or in the sound of a sculptor working in stone, or even in the sound of laughter from inside a theater. It is the sound of art being created, and for over three decades the sound of art being created has rung loud and clear in Northeastern Minnesota.

30:42The Arrowhead Regional Arts Council has been encouraging local arts development in Northeastern Minnesota through grants and services for over 35 years. Every year they give out more than half a million dollars to local artists and arts organizations, and that helps create $40 million in revenue and jobs created. To find out more about our arts programs or how you can get involved, visit aracouncil.org. The Arrowhead Regional Arts Council, where the arts flourish, you thrive. This episode is brought to you by Athletic Brewing Company. No matter how you do a game day, on the couch, in the crowd, or manning the snack table, Athletic Brewing fits right in. With a full lineup of non-alcoholic beer styles, you can enjoy bold flavors all game long. No hangovers, no buzz, no subbing out for water in the second half. Stuck the fridge for tip-off with a variety of non-alcoholic craft styles

31:43available at your local grocery store Brewing.com, near beer, fit for all times.