S2E22: Signs from the Other Side | Talk Tracks

0:00Hi everyone and welcome back to The Talk Tracks. In today's episode of The Talk Tracks, we're taking a deeper look into signs from other side. What are they? Can anyone ask for them? Do they even exist? And making meaning and purpose out of grief with Carla Kaufman's Sloan. And just a sensitivity warning, though Carla's story is a blifting, this episode contains a discussion of untimely loss of a child. So please be in the right mindset before listening. Hi everyone, I'm Kai Dickens and I'm thrilled to welcome you to The Talk Tracks. In this series, we'll dive deeper into the revelations, challenges, and unexpected truth from the telepathy tapes. We'll feature conversations with groundbreaking researchers, thinkers, non-speakers, and experiencers who illuminate the extraordinary connections that may defy explanation today, but won't for long. The telepathy tapes is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible, financial, geniuses, monetary magicians. These are the things people say about drivers who

1:01switch their car insurance to progressive and save hundreds, because progressive offers discounts for paying in full, owning a home, and more. Plus, you can count on their great customer service to help you when you need it, so your dollar goes a long way. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save on car insurance. Progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates, potential savings will vary, not available in all states or situations. If the telepathy tapes change, the way you see your non-speaking child, but left you wondering what to do next, we made a show just for you. The telepathy tapes now what is a new companion series hosted by two parents of non-speakers who've been there. They offer guidance, resources, and real conversations about how to move forward once you know your child is truly in there. You don't have to figure this out alone. Find now what on the telepathy tapes YouTube channel and wherever you listen to your podcasts. We have a very special guest today, Carla Kaufman Sloan, and I first learned about you in reading Laurel and Jackson's book signs, and to those who have never heard your name, who are you, and maybe explain kind of your journey

2:09and what you're doing here today. Okay, I grew up in New Orleans. I moved to New York. I wanted to follow the entertainment industry I loved, movies and TV, and I became a writer for television, and then I also worked for Judge Judy, which is a very fun job, and then I met my husband in Los Angeles, but we were older. We were like in our mid-30s, and I thought I was never really interested in getting married, like I just really wanted to keep working, and then we met, and fell in love, and we got married, and then he said to me one day, oh yeah, let's move to Miami, and I thought he was joking, because that's what old people do. I mean, we were 35, we weren't old, so we ended up moving to Miami, and I still was kind of half in, half out, so I would come back to LA a lot, but we would visit each other, and on one of those visits, I got pregnant, and we were

3:10like, oh, we were both surprised. It wasn't something we were really thinking about, but it was exciting, and so then that grounded me literally, like I stayed in Miami, and we were pregnant with Calder. So were you excited to have a boy, or did you not care? We're just like whatever comes my way. I never really thought about it, but when I found out he was a boy, I was a little bit nervous, because I'm such a girl, I guess? I don't know. I guess if you guys, my friends, they might not agree with that, but I thought, oh, how am I going to raise a boy? And it was the best thing ever. Like he was just fun, and funny, and just like, just so full of life from the beginning of the journey, he was just this fun and hilarious little guy. What's the age difference between your two boys? Um, two years and two months. So they were really close. They called her N Caleb. N Caleb, yeah, and they shared a room, and we had the car beds. We had the whole thing. We were like, boy, boy, boy.

4:14Calder was a fish. He was an avid swimmer from like both of our kids. We loved him for it, so they started swimming when they were little toddlers, and he just really loved it. We called him me, you know, corn in our family, because he was super athletic, and none of us are. But he would like swim. He would claim jungle gems. He would play soccer, baseball, like whatever, but especially love swimming. And we got an invitation to a friend's birthday party and adult party. No kids. And we, in Chris, and I went back and forth on it. That's my husband, Chris. I was like, I don't know. Do we want to leave the kids at home with the nanny on the weekend? And he was like, we haven't done anything as adults in years. So we went to this party. We had my nanny, her teenage son, Caleb was home, and Calder was a great swimmer. So when they said, can he go swimming, my husband was like, yeah, it's the first day of spring break. Of course, he can go swimming. And unfortunately, what no one knew was our swimming pool. The pool light was electrified. Somehow,

5:19something had gone wrong. And he dove into the pool and swam to the end, which is what he always does, dive in, swim all the way to the end, holding her breath and touch the light. And unfortunately, that day he touched the light and it killed him. It was literally so much electricity through him out of the pool. And everybody was screaming and yelling. And of course, our neighbor came running over this big body boulder to give him CPR because everybody else was hysterical. But he just couldn't hold on to him because of the amount of electricity going through his body. And so then they took him to the hospital. You just know when you get the phone call, like the our babies that are slash nanny on the other line just couldn't breathe or talk. And she just kind of wailed callers name. And I knew. So that's the day our lives changed forever. I still get

6:25emotional. Yeah, of course. Yeah. There's no pain in the human experience, I think, that can ever understand, you know. And you know, obviously the stages of grief are enormous. And what were like what were your beliefs going into this regarding the afterlife? Because I think that can really inform how people handle grief. It does really inform how people handle grief. And I had no beliefs. I didn't believe in the afterlife. I didn't know what I figured once you're dead, you're lost forever. And it was so shocking and unbelievable that seven days after his seventh birthday, we were in the morgue. So I just thought I'm lost. I can't get through this. And of course, you had to help your other son. Yes, that was like a main focus.

7:29That's actually what got me out of bed in the morning was Caleb and knowing he needed to be supported and he needed to still go to school and he needed to not live in this dark place that I was living in. And everyone greets differently. I'm sure you know this, but my husband went, we owned our own business. So he immediately went back to work because he was like, we're not going to let this completely destroy our lives. We got to hold onto something. So that's what he focused on, which was great. And I focused on Caleb. And Caleb was little. He was barely five at the time. So luckily he could go to school and he could kind of get away from the grief because he didn't, he had no idea what it was. For a full year, he would ask me when Calder was coming back because he thought he was playing hide and seek and he just was doing a really good job because that tell a five-year-old's brain works, right? Yeah, you can't process death.

8:30Right. Anything that final at that age. So what was the turn? I mean, there is no turning point. I know when you lose a child, but like, what were your next steps? What happened in next-to-the-process? It started to maybe change your perspective on everything because what ends up happening changes the course of your life. Right. So what happened was my husband, because we owned a little TV production company, you know, there are mediums in television all the time. And there was a guy who worked for us who had produced a show with a medium. And he said to my husband, I'm being honest to me, would you ever want to reading with a medium? And my husband was like, what is that? Because that's all for, I mean, I had watched TV shows, so I knew what a medium was, but I didn't know at the time that any of that was at our disposal. So my husband had a reading with a medium named AJ Barrera and he recorded it because he was a great

9:34professional medium who did that so you could go back and listen to the entire reading in case you missed something or it's just comforting to hear the information over. But my husband didn't tell me that he had done this. He kind of kept it to himself until he came home one day and I was, you know, I was like, a zombie, like walking around crying, doing the dishes, whatever. And he looked at me and he said, I have something to tell you in a very like, I've got a secret kind of thing and I thought, whatever, like I can handle anything at this point. What is it that you want to tell me? And he said he had had a reading with this medium and he asked me if I wanted to hear it. And I said, of course. And so he played the reading for me from his computer and we were both riveted for 45 minutes. We couldn't stop listening to it. We didn't talk to each other. We didn't

10:36breathe. And it's just what everyone says when you get a really good reading. He was giving us information. No one could have known. What type of things was he saying? Well, he told us that it was interesting because it was almost like he was playing with Calder because Calder, this was only three months after Calder passed. So he was probably still in his kid body, still like being super like, he was really funny. He always had this fun energy. He was talking about like, he's flying around here and he's making me feel like he's in an airplane and then he's making me feel like, and he was just laughing. Like the medium was like, he's really fun energy. And then he started saying, he's telling me something about Edison. Like, he was trying to figure out what he's telling me about my friend who works for Edison, the electrical company. But then he said, oh, he's telling me he was electrocuted

11:40outside and you're swimming pool. Like, it was so accurate and there was no way he could have known that. And just the way he came to it was so interesting and strange. And then he would just keep saying things. And the coolest thing about the reading is you hear my husband go from completely oblivious to asking questions in A.J. saying, yeah, you can ask him whatever you want. You don't need me. You can talk to him in your head. And by the end of the reading, my husband was just like, this is so cool that you can communicate with him. And so was I. But he said, he's so sweet. My husband at the end of the reading, he goes, would you do this for my wife? She could really, I think it would really help her. And A.J., I think like any medium was like, well, why don't you play it for your wife and she'll see if she wants something like this? Because as a medium, I don't think they ever want to approach someone and be like, you know, because it feels, it creates doubt. If

12:45you're like, let me give you a reading. And I was really like, took it as a challenge. Like, oh, he's not going to give me a reading. Well, I'm going to find him. And I did find him. And he was giving a medium to conference with one other medium for mediums in Virginia. And I signed up with a fake name and decided I was going to go there and find him and see if this was really real. And why'd you use a fake name? Because I thought, if I go with a fake name and I pay for everything and cash, no one will know who I am so they can't figure it out. Right. So you put like, like, scam the system and look you up ahead of time. Exactly. That is exactly right. So did you get a reading? So I go there. And it's a room full of mediums in me. I'm pretending to be a medium. Although I didn't really realize that when I got there, I was like, oh, everyone's a medium. And then this is hilarious. So you're pretending to be a medium? This is so funny. I didn't realize I

13:47was pretending, but I did. So they called me, oh, you're Melanie from Miami. Welcome. Like, I was probably the person who traveled the furthest for this. These are all people who just go to these things all the time because they're training and they want to get better. And I said yes. And so the first night, it's very, it's very beautiful. Like, there's meditations and conversations. And then AJ and this other woman got up and they did what's called a gallery reading where they gave a reading for everyone in the room to show you different styles and how it's done. So everyone, I felt like everyone around me was getting a reading and I was thinking in my head, okay, colder. I really, I need to know that this is real. So I need a reading. But he didn't come through that night. And so I went back to my room completely dejected and I was like, I'm going home. This is ridiculous. I'm not doing this. And then the next day, they started with that. And the woman who was giving the female medium immediately

14:52came to me and she said, I'm with you. And she started giving me all this information about this woman with blonde hair and just on and on. And I was looking at her like, nope, not me. And then she kind of went to the person next to me. And then she came back to me. She goes, no, this is for you. This is your friend. And she gave me the information. And again, I was so upset that I didn't get a reading that made sense. So again, I went to bed that night and I was so upset, not out of like malice, just like I really didn't know until I went to bed. And she, she may have come to me in my dream. But when I woke up, I just knew who it was. Hey, all. So for me, skincare can be super overwhelming. There's a lot of products that promise they can do everything. And then you try them and they don't seem to do much of anything. And so what I have been drawn to just in general

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19:57great reading and I just kept saying I don't know how you're talking about. Did you ever get a reading that from Calder? Yeah. So then the next day was the last day when we were wrapping up and by this time people would have to tap me on their shoulder because they'd be like Melanie and I didn't know they were talking to it. I was like oh um yes and so that day the final gallery reading AJ we were about to wrap up and AJ goes oh wait everybody sit back down there's one more spirit here and I know it's a little boy because he's pulling on my pant leg and that's how they let me know they're little and he gave me a reading and he said this boy's name and he said my son's Hebrew name which was nowhere to be found like you couldn't even look that up it wasn't all right the grade stone wasn't set yet and that was the only place we put his Hebrew name and then he started to give me a reading and I disrupted the whole

20:58convention just by sobbing hysterically and just I fell apart because everything I wanted to be true was true but I couldn't fathom it but I knew it was real. What are types of things was he saying to you besides the Hebrew name which is unbelievably significant. Yeah it's hard for me to remember because it was so emotional but he told me he wanted you to know he has his glasses which were which was one of the key things in both readings but he didn't realize he was bringing him through again so his glasses we couldn't find anywhere we were searching and searching for Calder's glasses and it turned out they were put in the casket with him but no one knew that not even us so he brought that information through and he just brought through like beautiful moments of memories of Calder and I that aren't even you don't think are significant when you're

21:59a mom like just doing stuff but met so much and certain songs that we listened to and but what happened was because I got so upset everybody like was confused because if you're medium you hear these stories all the time and so they kind of gathered around me like what's going on Melanie what's going on I thought I came fast I was like this is what happened and they're oh my god it's so early in your grief journey it's really hard to be here during that time you really need to go through your grief and the woman hosting the event said this is why I have strict rules about reading for parents because it's a way to avoid grief instead of going through the whole process and she said but since you're here and we know your sons here and then she gave me a reading and then this whole line of mediums gave me reading after reading after reading

23:01my political it was magic and then and all of it felt evidential all of it even like Calder even like let my grandparents speak because he was like and it was my mom's birthday coming up so one of the mediums said they're two older like made me know it was my grandparents and said they're saying happy birthday to someone in her family so I knew it was like evidential that in August your mom's birthday and it was just mind blowing and so one of the things that comes for you later is a story with signs and I think that's just such a beautiful story so I want to get to that in a second but first like after you left there what changed in you and how are you feeling you know did you share it with Mike when I left there I what happened was I was able to believe that Calder wasn't gone but I was still in a prolonged period of grief just because I was stuck

24:07in it and but I knew I had to if I wanted to pursue meditating and maybe being able to connect learning more that I had to get off the prescriptions that the doctor was keeping me on I had to like clean up my act and so it took me probably another six months before I was like okay I want to read everything I can about this and figure it out and see what's possible so tell me about how you met Laurel and Jackson because she's a pretty well-known evidential medium back in the beginning my grief a friend of mine sister had died and she got a manuscript of Laura the light between us and she gave it to me and she said don't tell anyone this is you know it's not with the publisher yet and they're trying to make the deal and you you shouldn't tell anyone I gave it to you and I thought okay and then funny because it's like the worst nightmare for ever like I'm just

25:08saying at the rough cut of the film right now to people I'm like do not share it with an always someone will share it always and even nature yeah and when I told or that year is later because I met her by then she was like that's hilarious because of course she's like of course you got it that makes total sense to me um so okay so you get the the manuscript and that first passage is what you read in season two was about all the kids coming to Laura in the car and I thought this is amazing this woman is amazing this is the best story I've ever heard I have to get in touch with her so I told my friend I was gonna get in touch with her and she's like yeah right you're never gonna get in touch with her she's like far beyond her pay grade and I thought okay I'm gonna figure it out and of course because of the way the universe works it somehow worked out that we got to meet I was able to get Laurel and Jackson on zoom to talk more about what she remembered of Carla's story I met Carla when she came to me for a reading in my home and I remember

26:09when she sat down um I was flooded with information her son who had crossed um came through so clearly and it was so important to him that that Carla knew number one she never needed someone like me he needed her to know he had been communicating with her and sending her signs from the moment he crossed I started getting signs early but I didn't understand what it was and what do you mean by that like what type of signs so one of them has beautiful signs you know a lot of times when people your loved ones crossed they come to you in dreams but instead of dreams because my grief was so thick I don't think he could get through as I was falling asleep at night he would come really close to me like he was gonna kiss me and I could see his lips in my mind's eye and I would wake me up because I was like what's happening because I fully didn't understand anything and it happened repeatedly and then it wasn't told like months later that I realized that was him saying I'm

27:15right here with your mom I'm right here and I feel like when our loved one passes especially a child they're doing everything in their power to let you know they're okay so you can get through your grief and continue to live the life you're supposed to live here so I really feel like Alder was pulling out all the stops because I was stubbornly holding on to my grief like I didn't want to let it go because it felt like I was letting him go until I realized that that wasn't true so he did everything he could he put things in my path he started sending me dragonflies non-stop they would be everywhere I would be in a swimming pool with like a hundred kids around me splashing and being crazy and my sister-in-law would look at me and say uh they're two dragonflies sitting on her head she's like I guess called her's here because then everybody knew and it was just

28:15it becomes fun I want to quickly bounce over to a conversation I was having with Loreland Jackson signs are one of the hardest things to believe in so I wanted to ask Lore to respond to the skepticism then I think a lot of people probably carry well there's two huge obstacles we each have when it comes to embracing that secret language of communication the unseen energy all around us the ongoing love right and it's doubt and fear fear and doubt right first maybe the fear of like and I've had people say this to me I didn't want to ask for a sign because I was so afraid I wouldn't get it and that would devastate me so I waited months and then I finally did it and then I got my sign and now I'm so happy right so there's fear about will this work and then there's doubt and here's a thing when we receive our sign is this great spiritual connection and it's not using the part of our brains that we use most of the time which is this frontal lobe which is in charge of critical thinking analytical thinking math language skills all those things that we use in our waking hours so when we have a spiritual experience that little frontal lobe what meditation teachers refer to

29:16as the monkey mind because it's constantly chattering a lot of times very negative but it's based very much in like logic and if you see it it's real if you don't it's not right it tries to reject that spiritual experience so it will say oh that's just a coincidence that can't be real because it doesn't fit our materialistic paradigm so there are those two very important obstacles that you have to be cognizant as you enter this language of signs you're gonna need to know that your little monkey mind is going to try to tell you that the signs are not real and I want to cut back to Carla because it is very hard to dismiss her sign story I would love for you to tell the dear sign story because that is just like the best sign story I think I've ever heard I know in season two you had Laura on so the way I came to be in the book signs was she gave me a reading and then she goes are you guys going on a trip coming up and I said yes we are and she said oh well caller said he's going to send you a deer to have a moment with Laura ended up

30:17getting her an unbelievable reading they went and drove to the Florida Keys which is a rather long drive you know in Carla fellow sleep in the in the car and she was a a woken buyer husband who said to our oh my gosh there were just all these deer on the side of the road and they'd been to the Florida Keys before but they'd never seen what are now known as that what we now know as key deer which are these small deer species and Carla was devastated she thought oh my gosh I was asleep for this connective experience with the deer like I missed my sign I was crushed in fact I thought about it all weekend even though we were there we were having fun like putting on the brave face doing all the key west stuff going to the sunset thing at the pier and have and you know we wanted Caleb to have fun and so we go to bed that night and Chris is like I can hear this commercial for a bar called the no name pub and Chris goes oh I've never been

31:23there and then we go to sleep and we're driving home the next day and he decides he wants to stop it then no name pub because he has to see everything he's very interested in every single thing and it turns out you can put dollar bills on the ceiling with someone's name on him so he wanted to put callers name on a dollar bill on the ceiling but he didn't tell me any of this he's just like we're gonna stop here Caleb again is in the back in the sleep I sleep and I was waiting in the car for him just kind of like parking lot of pub yeah I'm not going to the pub but like okay this is a nice wrap up to the weekend and across the parking lot I see the bushes kind of move and out of the bushes came a little deer and key deer are smaller than regular deer they're they're these cute little deer and it's walking towards me and I thought oh it's happening this is the moment that Laura was talking about and I got very nervous that I was going to scare the deer

32:25so I'm like trying to get out of the car and then it just kept walking towards me and walking towards me and I walked over to where the benches were closer to the door and the deer walked right up to me and he put its nose in my hand and as it was doing that Chris walked out of the no name pub and he took a photograph of the deer putting its nose in my hand and we couldn't believe it we both just stood there he's like what is happening right now and I thought this this is what she said was gonna happen it's happening and the deer didn't even run away when Chris came outside you know it kind of just hung out there for a while and then and let you touch it yes which is so interesting because wild animals you never know how they're going to react but it just it was very docile and just hung out with us for a while and then it kind of wandered on

33:28probably looking for food or something and we got in the car and he just did that just happen and I said I think you got a picture of it happening and he did and he sent me the picture and I immediately texted Laura and she was like wow that's incredible he really got you your sign and I said yes he did what have you learned about signs since then because that is such an incredible sign story but it's for for people like can you ask for them from anyone how do they have to be specific what are the easiest kind to give you know what what have you learned about signs well so it's interesting because I feel like signs are so common but we don't always realize it and I feel like any loved one who's crossed can send you a sign and you can you can ask for it I mean Laura's very specific she's like ask for the most difficult specific sign you can think of and but I think for me a lot of times when it happens is also in a moment of

34:34struggle it like when you need a lift they're very intelligent about Linda Papa sign into your path and that's what happened to me one day when I was overwhelmed with grief it was like two years after Caldera died and I was working really hard not to cry in front of Caleb anymore because I just felt like he had had enough and I'm not saying crying is bad because it's not you need to cry you need to get it out but I was like okay hold it together and I get out of the car to take him and to get some food and I look down at the ground and there's a heart shaped leaf on the ground which I think is also a sign people get a lot but I had never gotten one before and I look down I picked it up and I said Caleb look at this and he goes oh a heart from Calder and just went on about his business because kids are so like open and made sense to him that's what it was and let's go get our food now and so that was my first

35:38heart shaped leaf but I do feel like you can ask for them and I really had an interesting experience lately so I've started leading a grief group in Miami with another parent who lost her son it's all parents who've lost their children or whose children have left their bodies and we get together and we talk about the signs we've gotten and they're always amazing like the kids are amazing with the signs they send us but I thought oh let's do something fun let's ask for a specific sign for all of us so that we can all see if we get the same sign and we asked for a pink elephant and this was like a couple of weeks ago and so we started to see elephants here and there everybody would text their picture into the group and then one mom who is the newest member of our group her child just crossed about six months ago

36:39sent a picture of a pink stuffed animal elephant and we were like that's it and then the next day I was moving some stuff around in my office and I hit this deck of Oracle cards and a card fell out and it was two elephants one was pink and one was purple and then the next day another mom sent a picture of the pink elephant so I really feel like if you ask for it and everyone sets an intention you can get any sign that's amazing by the way I mean it really I can't even fathom how surreal that must be it is surreal this year my intention has been to care for my body and being what can I do every day that actually feel supportive instead of another thing to manage that's where kachava fits into my routine it's an all-in-one nutrient shake that helps cover the basics when life gets busy

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38:42with Liberty Mutual even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show hey everyone check out this guy and his bird what is this your first date oh no we help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together we're married need a human him to a bird yeah the bird looks out of your leg anyways only pay for what you need at Liberty Mutual.com Liberty Liberty Liberty Liberty tell me about the book you just wrote okay so I wrote this book called Everywhere about colder and my journey through all this because I literally didn't think I was going to make it through grief and I thought okay I want to put a book out there that lets anyone who's in grief know that their loved ones are with them and they're gonna make it through and they're gonna have some amazing life still so they shouldn't just be sad all the time but the reason I title it

39:45everywhere was because of what I was telling you with colder he was so adamant about making sure I knew he was with me and it wasn't just me because when a child dies especially it's like a atomic bomb it like affects not just everyone in your family it affects the whole community the kids in his class friends from afar like there were there was one kid in his class who just couldn't go to school anymore he just couldn't the little seven year olds he couldn't understand what had happened and so he just started to go in on himself and I didn't know that at the time but one of my closest friends called me and told me the story and she said he went to school today because last night he had a dream the colder came over and they were playing on the trampoline like they played every day and colder said it's okay I'm good like look we're still playing and he what so

40:51it's like they're working overtime to make sure everyone's okay because they don't want their death to cause problems right so it's really your journey to grief yeah and I mean I'm not recovery but just able to kind of thrive in a different way in the world yeah so it is it's about like how deep the grief can go and how you are still meant to live a full life and if you can whatever you find your purpose to be like I really do believe that now my purpose is to help other grieving parents or anyone in grief like when my friends father died last year I really feel like all these conversations we've had since colder died actually helped her be able to understand that and feel like I'm looking for him and he's sending me signs and she can feel his presence also like

41:59she says I'm driving around I know he's in the car with me because he was always telling me how to drive and I just feel it's so comforting and true what would you say are the things that people on the other side most want people to know and and and maybe patterns of things that come up all the time like what are if you could like leave the audience with wisdom what would you tell them well I feel like it's so simple that we are all you know Libby says that in John Paul that it's all about love and loving your fellow man and just doing the right thing for people but I feel like we're all here learning different things and the thing that comes up over and over is enjoy the ride you don't realize what a gift you've been given even if you've had this horrible tragedy like we've had

43:00you still have to enjoy being on earth being alive like really don't forget to have joy in your life and have fun because we can get so wrapped up in our schedules and our you know oh we have to achieve this so I have to make this much money like but really it's just these simple moments the people who come through aren't coming through saying I'm so glad that I had ten thousand dollars in my bank account when I crossed they're coming through saying when you were at my bedside and held my hand right before I crossed that's what meant the most to me in my life and I want to just say how thankful I am that you are my daughter or how thankful I am that you are my father could you talk about the desire for people on the other side to want their loved ones to move on whether that's to if you have their kids don't stop being a fun goofy mom or even falling in love again you what have you learned around that they never want us to stop living I feel like

44:05that's the hardest thing for a parent like I have experienced parents who don't want to live anymore and their child does not want that from the other side they're like that's here that's a waste of this gift you've been given to just give up and lay down and die yeah I think that's the almost best thing you could very sure people of because so often grief especially when we lose someone we love so much yeah it feels like a mark of that love to almost be a martyr right like I won't live again I won't love again I won't be happy again to show you how deep the crater is in my life and it feels like on the other side they're like no no no no don't let me be a crater you know let let me be like a beautiful joy that you remember but like keep going and I don't know it just seems like the best thing people could hear from you yeah it's true and I feel like a lot

45:07of times it's sent you in a direction like we started a foundation for kids in grief and we named it after both boys Caleb and Caldarsland's awesome foundation and Caleb came to us recently and he says I know we always focus on kids but since I feel like he's around my parents a lot lately and he's like I feel like older people lose their memories and he's been studying music and he goes I think I want to do this project where I create a group where we go sing songs to the older people from their youth so they're they're like having fun wow Caleb wants to do that yeah he just did it that's how old is Caleb now he's 16 that's awesome he's awesome thank you for saying that but he just did his first show at my parents my parents senior living community and yeah that it just made everyone happy and I think that's what people want from the other side too they're like enjoy that

46:11fun I'm so proud of Caleb though I mean truly because I feel like you've two choices really every day which is like how are you gonna make people feel and are you gonna dedicate your life to making people feel good and safe or living in a state of fear where you're often trying to knock people down or harm them and I mean obviously Caleb's been through an incredible amount yes but to know at 16 he's thinking of seniors who are you know maybe not feeling safe or losing their memories and trying to create that means such a cool thing it is it's really cool thank you for saying that yeah yeah he's had to live a lot in 16 years yes yeah there's nothing like that well any closing like how's Chris doing now Chris is awesome he is he's still nonstop he like works he went through this whole health thing recently where he was like I'm gonna get the healthiest I've ever been in my life and he did that and because we're friends with this family who lost their

47:14son to brain cancer that's who I won the grief group with he took on this challenge of doing this bike ride where you raise money so every year he he did it first last year and this year he took it on he wanted to beat his number and go further and raise more money for research and I feel like I feel like that's kind of you know his MO he just wants to keep giving that yeah so cool well any closing thoughts or or I guess first to start with where can people find your book um it's not out yet I'm hoping to find a perfect publisher by the end of the year my agents out there working hard wonderful do you have a website or anything if people want to I do Carla Sloan dot net I have a sub stack people can look up and um of course I'm on all the social media channels beautiful thank you Carla that's it for this episode of the talk tracks but new episodes will be released every Wednesday so stay tuned as we work to unravel all the

48:17threads even the veiled ones that knit together our reality and please remember to stay kind stay curious and that being a true skeptic requires an open mind thank you to my amazing collaborators producers Catherine Ellis and Selena Kennedy technical directing audio mix and finishing by Jeremy Cole opening and closing music by Elizabeth PW an original logo and cover art by Ben Condor design I'm Kai Dickens your executive producer writer and host