Resolving Conflict Peaceably, Part 2

0:00Today on Living on the Edge with Chip and Grim, important marriage question, how do you handle conflict in your relationship? In my experience, there's turtles and sharks. Sharks attack when there's conflict, turtles put their head inside their shell. Neither of those approaches work well. Let me give you a third one, a biblical one today about how to resolve conflict in your marriage. Stay with us. Welcome to Living on the Edge. I'm Dave Drui. And today, Chip and Grim continues our series called Choosing Love with a message that could revolutionize your marriage. From Colossians 3, Chip reveals God's surprising command, treat your mate the way Christ treats you. That changes everything. You'll discover a practical step-by-step process spelled out in the acronym DEFUSE, a biblical

1:05game plan for resolving conflict without attacking or avoiding. If tension has been building in your relationship, this message offers the way forward. Well, now here's Chip and Grim with a message titled Resolving Conflict Peaceably. Our text is Colossians chapter 3 verses 12 through 17. So as those have been chosen by God, holy and beloved, that's who we are. We're putting on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone. We're giving one out just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. And beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity, and let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts to what you've been called into one body and be thankful.

2:10The command is, here's the command, it's real simple. We are to deal with our mates as Christ has dealt with us and deals with us. Okay, that's the issue. If you get nothing else, what would that look like if you would say, there's a conflict, there's a disagreement, I'm angry, I'm bitter, I'm resentful, why did you do that again? I can't believe he did that. We've talked about it a hundred times, and when you come together, your one goal is, I want to treat him or I want to treat her the way Christ treats me. It doesn't mean you're not going to have conflict, but I'll guarantee if you bear with one another, if you forgive one another, if you're beyond all these things put on love, and if you let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, it'll come out a lot differently. Turn the page, if you will, and I want to give you this picture before I walk through a little acronym that's helped me. I have a, Jim Burns is a good friend, and he's a marriage and family therapist and speaker.

3:13Here's the acronym, the D is for, define the problem on your own. Proverbs 15 forces the discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly. The I is for initiate a time to talk, and then focus on the perceived problem. The second F is for, feel their pain as though it were your own. Proverbs 17, 17 says, a friend loves it all times, and a brother or a spouse was born for adversity. One of the tools, if you will, is using a word picture or a metaphor. Sometimes, a member when Nathan, I don't know how much you all know the Bible, I didn't grow up reading the Bible, but David was this really great king, and he commits adultery with this guy's wife, and then she gets pregnant, and the story is pretty quick, so he wants

4:13to cover it up, so he has her husband come back off the battlefield, gets him drunk, and sends him home to sleep with his wife, so when the baby comes, he thinks it's his, and he's so honorable, he says, man, I'm not sleeping with my wife with all the other manner, out in the battlefield, he tries to get it going two or three different days, it doesn't work, and so he sends him back with a note, put the guy on the front line to make sure he gets killed, not exactly a godly king moment, so it's about a year, and the, not quite a year, the prophet Nathan comes, and that's a culture where you confront the king, like death is a very high probability, and so sometimes the way to help someone understand something where you know they're going to be defensive is by a story or a metaphor, and so Nathan comes, and he goes, oh, the king, I have to tell you this great story, it's so sad, and well what is it?

5:14And he goes, it's happening in your kingdom of all places, well what is it, he goes, there's a man, and he has hundreds and hundreds of sheep, and he's very wealthy, and a visitor came and hospitality was sort of a given, you had to feed someone if they stopped in, and he said this man instead of his sheep, there was one man, he had one tiny little lamb, and it was not just a little lamb, but it slept with him, and it was like his pet, and it was his friend, and this rich man who had hundreds and hundreds of sheep, he took that man's lamb, and he butchered it for his guests, and David was livid, this man shall pay for it, and then Nathan says, behold, you're the man, and see what he helped him see was the same thing in a different place, and so I won't go into the whole story, but it was another area where my work was consuming me, and I was neglecting things in our home, and I can still remember sitting in front of the fireplace, and my wife told me this story, and she goes, I want to talk about something, but you'll get defensive, no, no, you will, you'll get

6:16really defensive, I mean, I'm not supposed to say always, but you often do, okay? No, I promise I won't be defensive right now, so she's really setting me up, and then she asks me these questions like, you know, Chip, when we were driving by the church, I just noticed, you commented on the grass, and you commented, wow, that means painted over there, and you know, they're remodeling in the back, and you just seem to notice everything, she goes, boy, it's really amazing to me, I just think you're such a good boss, I think you're right, you know, down to the detail, and then she said, Chip, did you know that our dishwasher, when I run it, I put a towel under it because it's been broken for months, and so it leaks, and that in the boys window, and in Annie's window, when it rains, the water comes in because we have a leak, so I put towels there, and I don't

7:16know if you've noticed, but when you walk by our couch, if you've ever scratched your leg, there's a spring that's sticking out, and you know, I don't think you've really noticed, but you know, we did have a dog for a while, and the other things, and there's like the carpet is soiled everywhere, and I was just, I feel like that you see what really needs to be taken care of at work, but you don't see what needs to be taken care of here, and I know it's not true, but it feels like your work matters more than our home, and you're in charge of your work, and I'm in charge of our home, and I know this isn't true, but it makes me feel like you don't care about me then. Man, if she keeps doing this, I'm going to just, you know, two days later, I mean, I got

8:23a buddy, I got a friend, it was like, okay, you ready? Man, we cleaned all the carpets, I called another buddy, I said, man, I don't think I really have the money, but you know, we're replacing the windows, we've got the windows done, because what happened was it was like, oh, she's right. Now by the way, I'm sharing kind of more of her side of it, and I've had a few, my I feel messages, and I'll share a couple of those, but are you starting to see the power, you're starting to see that this is what it looks like to bear with one another. This is what it looks like to forgive anyone who has a complaint against you. This is what it looks like to treat your mate the way Jesus treats you. I mean, when you say, and you don't get hit by lightning, do you? Holy Spirit, very sensitive, very clear, very specific. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and we'll continue in just a moment.

9:23But today's teaching is available for listening any time, over on our website, livingontheedge.org. Whether you want to listen again or share it with someone who needs encouragement, you'll find this message and hundreds more online. Plus discover small group resources and practical relationship tools designed to help you choose love daily. Check it all out at livingonbeedge.org. Now let's get back to Chip's message. The U is uncover the root problem. Proverbs 20 verse 5 says, the purposes in a man's heart are like deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out. There's deep issues. The root problems, if they don't dealt with, will just surface again and again and again. And I put a little chart here, and this is much more for another day. But in general, if the symptom is money, you're arguing about money, usually the root problem

10:25has to do with values, priorities, power, and control issues. So you can argue about money until Jesus comes. But the issue is you don't share the same values, or there's someone that's got some control issues, or, you know, your priorities are really different. You know, one of you thinks, wow, I mean, don't the kids need new shoes and don't we need to do this and don't we need to do that? And someone else thinks, gosh, shouldn't we go to more movies? Yeah, I don't know. One says, you know, we need to watch every penny and keep track of it, and they're just sort of, in most marriages, there's a spender and a saver. Why we marry each other? I don't know why. But there's sex problems. It's usually a communication issue, an unmet emotional need, a past history, baggage.

11:28A lot of times as we work through those issues with my wife, it was like, man, I just don't get it. But I failed to understand what it's like to be rejected by your father and then be rejected by another man, and her love me very, very much, and have struggles in areas in the early years, sexually, because all men were painted with this bad brush. And it was just like, you talk about rejection. So those were my field, I feel messages. Honey, I feel like you don't love me when I want to be with you. And you're not very responsive. Just feel rejected. And you say, it's not me. It's not about me. Well, I'm the only other person in the room, right? But okay, are you ready? I get in issue. There's couples that they get stuck there, and that's the way it is.

12:30And she profunked really, you'll have some sex, because she doesn't like it. Or by the way, it goes the other way. What happens, just the opposite, I had a couple in our church, a beautiful gal. And really, it was deep insecurity issues with him, and all kind of issues, and he struggled and didn't have anything to do with her. But I'll tell you this, they were never going to get that solved by themselves. Inlaw issues usually have to do with loyalty, expectations. And children and work usually, it's roles and goals. Who owns what? What are our goals? How are we going to get there? But those are, I mean, those are just generalizations, those are deep wells. But the majority of couples, they're all on the left side. My prediction, if you get married by about 25 years, you have every one of those at some point, every one of them. So why be embarrassed to get some help or go to a counselor, because every single person.

13:34Now, the people who don't do anything about it, what they do is they do what we call the parallel life track, live in the same home, have these deep, unresolved issues, do the best you can, why the kids are young, stay involved in the kids usually as a woman, do some things as you at work, and then when the empty nest is, the two most common times of divorce are first five years and right about 20 or 22 when the nest is empty. Because what you realize, you don't have anything to pose you to the other anymore. You didn't develop your relationship, you didn't deal with issues. And it's never too late, it's never too late, in fact, it can be very, very exciting. The S is for set things right between you. James 5.16 says, therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man or a righteous woman, Oad, is powerful and effective. And this is where humility comes. I mean, it took us a long time, but it's just own your responsibility.

14:38I mean, yes, you feel defensive and there's this and there's that. But little by little, since you're chosen, since you're already holy and set apart, and since you're already dearly loved, you know what you can say? You're right, I'm wrong. You ask for forgiveness and I push this a bit and look at the person in the eye, will you forgive me? And don't settle for, yeah, yeah, it's okay, it wasn't that big a deal. No, no, no, that's not how we do this. Will you forgive me? And what you need is, yes, I will. I release you for what you did or what you said. And then if at all possible, pray together and out loud, if possible, it's so healing. And then E is establish a specific action plan that addresses the issue discussed and write it down. I know this sounds perfunctory, but can I ask you a question, how is your plan that

15:40you don't have working? It's just a thought. You know, you can be in a meeting, oh, admiral or general, I think that's a terrible plan. Well, what's yours? The general of the universe says, this is at least my best understanding from scripture, this is how to bear with one another. This is how to forgive one another. This is how to, whatever complaint you have, this is how to attack the problem and not the person. This is how to come together and let God be the umpire and let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts. This is how to beyond all things put on love because you all coming together, getting the relationship right is ten times more important than who's right. And so that's how you diffuse conflict and that's a pretty step-by-step process to do

16:42it. And the last part of that action plan is I, as a husband, I will do this and I have my wife, she writes down, I will commit to this by when and then here's the key. The next time we'll meet and talk about this is, by the way, some of you just need some rhythms and we didn't have any money, most all the years growing up, but every Friday because I taught on Saturday and Sunday, every Friday was my day off and every Friday I dropped the kids off and I had a date with my wife, it was a breakfast date. And she knew that from breakfast to lunch or beyond, we were going to spend that time together. And yes, we would eat, we'd take a walk, we'd have some fun, but we had a time where she knew, even if the stuff bothered her, we're only six and a half days away from an honest good talk. If the only time you sit down to have a good talk is when you have junk pretty soon, it's not very fun.

17:43And so we would have a couple, three of these 15-minute conferences where we're sharing things and then we had one big time and then Friday we'd have a little family night and we just created a rhythm so the counts for short, and you know what, I told you about my dad, I told you about a grown up in alcoholic home, I told you that I married a woman from an alcoholic home from a very dysfunctional past and we're a blended family and we didn't know what we were doing and we've had lots of problems. I would like to announce that I am married to one of the most amazing people in the world that I have a deep, deep relationship with spiritual connection, emotional connection and physical connection. Our kids are very, very imperfect but very realistic and have followed Jesus, determined to marry people that were like-minded and are in the process of raising their kids where God's the empire. All I just want you to know is God can take the most dysfunctional, difficult situations

18:46and he can restore. I mean, if he can do it for us, my, you all have issues but I understand them. They didn't call my wife's PTSD but it was trauma, trauma, trauma. She needed someone to hang in there with her when he didn't want to and when he didn't understand and when he felt helpless but just to be available. And I needed to know that when I made that commitment to Jesus that he said he would give me whatever I needed to give her whatever she needed for as long until death do his part. And one of the things that happens when you say, till death do his part and really mean it, then you know there's option A and option A. An option A is how in the world we're going to figure this out because we're not going to give up. We were in desperate need but God said, draw near to me, I'll draw near to you, all the

19:51resources you need to have the marriage that you desire are available. And there's a God on the sidelines or maybe in the center, I'm not sure where in your life who says, if you will give me a chance and if you will let me direct, it won't always feel good but yes you'll end up happy but your marriage relationship is the most vivid picture along with the church that I left the world so they know I'm real. So please don't let me down. Please show the world what Jesus loving the church and the church loving Jesus looks like by your relationship. This is Living on the Edge with Chippengrim. In today's message from our series Choosing Love, we learned the diffuse method, a biblical

20:56approach to handling conflict that really works. Chip has one final thought coming up. Conflict and marriage is inevitable but how you handle it makes all the difference. That's why Chip wrote his book I Choose Love to show you that love isn't just a feeling you wait for, it's a decision you make. In this book, Chip unpacks what Philippians two teaches about a Goppe love, God's kind of love. It's not driven by emotions or romance, it's marked by sacrifice, by choosing what's best for the other person even when it's hard. When you grasp how this biblical love operates every relationship changes, especially your marriage. To discover practical steps for Living on a Goppe love, get I Choose Love online at livingontheedge.org. Here's something important, messages like today's reach people around the world because partners like you believe biblical teaching changes lives. Your support today is helping couples learn to resolve conflict God's way, bringing hope

21:59to marriages that desperately need it. Will you stand with us? Live online at livingontheedge.org. On our mobile app, just click on the heart icon and follow the simple instructions. You can also call us right now at AAA3336003. One more thing, have you subscribed to the Living on the Edge podcast? There you can check out the Chip Ingram Sermon podcast feature where you'll hear chips complete unedited messages from start to finish. Alright Chip, would you close today's program with a final thought? Absolutely Dave, I'm glad to kind of go over that acronym because if you're in the middle of conflict, you kind of need that right now. It's diffused, D is for define the problem, don't just react to conflict, go to the roots of it. I mean, what's the real problem? The I is initiate a time to talk and the key is find the right time and the right place and for sure it's not when you're angry.

23:00The F in diffused is for focus on the problem, not the person. This is really hard to do but emphasize the I feel approach. Not you did that or you did that or why did you do this is I feel hurt, I feel frustrated, I feel is very, very helpful. The other F is for feel their pain, your spouse is not the enemy, they're your teammate to tackle this issue together. Because it's just looking on their face and realizing they're as frustrated or hurt or wounded as you are and often, you know, if you can take some time, then you're diffusing that emotion and those words that are going to cause a bigger problem that could often come out of your mouth and then the U is for uncover the root problem. If undoubt with these issues keep resurfacing over and over and over, I mean, you argue about sex, you argue about money, you argue about in-laws, you argue about the kids,

24:01those are not the issues, those reveal underlying issues that we talked about in the message. The S is for set things right and that means own your wrongs and ask for forgiveness. And by the way, don't blow this off, this is like I was wrong, I'm sorry, will you forgive me and you look them in the eye. And finally, the last D is establish an action plan. It's easy just to kind of get, oh, here's the problem, I forgive you, move on, no, you got to say okay now, what are we going to do moving forward? That's diffusing conflict and I will tell you, I've used it a lot and I think God will use it in your life. Money fights, they're real, they're common and they can tear a marriage apart. Tomorrow, discover how to get on the same page financially with your spouse right here on Living on the Edge. Today's program is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.