RAACN week 10

Hello monkey fiddlers, it's me Richard Herring. Thank you for downloading my podcast. Please

keep listening if you can. The big news is 20th of April, Leicester Square Theatre. One of the guests

has been announced. It's Natasha Hodson. One of the geniuses behind and in front of Operation

Minsmique the Musical. So my cats running around the kitchen making a ringing sound. I hope

that's not disturbing you. Once the Operation Minsmique fans hear about this, it's going to sell

fast. So get your tickets now. Go to richshown.com slash rhalestapur. And you can see all the dates

is a couple in July as well. I'm doing a trip which Rick Male Festival as well, but that is sold out.

Become a badger. Go for a strike.com slash badges. If you want to help us continue to make these

bloody things. Anyway, sit back, relax and enjoy another episode of one of my podcasts. It's you

little fiddly monkey fiddler. Stop ringing those bells. On SBC 2 now, it's the tragic roundabout

in which Dylan, Dougal and Zebedee have all been decapitated and Florence and the snail

whatever he was called, have to plan the funeral. Make these up yourself if you like. Now on a

day. Hello and welcome to richnowyscraven news round. Today it's Monday March 30th. I want to say

you sure. I think so. I think it's April fullstay on Wednesday. Watch out for that. We might have

some fun for you on that day. Don't tell them. Probably won't. And I'm Richard Herring. You probably

saw me on TV last night. Proper TV. So I might talk about that. This is Ali, were you on TV last night?

No. I said that disappointed you didn't have anything to need it. You didn't want to make a cake or

a biscuit in the shape of the knee. No. Thought you were I was your favourite childhood toy. I wouldn't say

I don't see you as a toy. Ali, I see you as my best and only friend. Well that's true. You know

what rich? I'm. Hold on. Chicky me. I'm. I was slowly winking at it. Don't put your eggs in the

basket. This descends and you'll find all your eggs will get cracked. If you take it down

the pub then you'll okay. Can't always be a winner. No, I just forgot that people will see your

egg and they'll pick it. It's a joke. And then they won't let you come back. Oh, done.

Let's not do that anymore. No, people will have musical songs if you do that. Okay, well look

this isn't a new story but I just thought I'd start with this. I was on Bake Off stand up

to cancel last night. It's not a big deal. Mainstream TV had probably if you go to channel for

the web page the 4.0.D. It's the first picture. I'm you know it's what they want you to watch. I'm

not saying I'm back in the big time but I will just say I'm expecting the phone to start ringing

off the hook. This is the last news round I'm going to be doing because I'll be on Probertelli

which is all I ever fucking did this for a new skunk and all go fuck yourselves. I've just

used you to get what I wanted and I've got it and I won't be here tomorrow because bang. Back in

the big time baby, dick in the big time that loses. Don't do my daughter's material. Back in the

big time that loses. What? Back in the big dandelion. Don't take the nicky out of me. I need you're

only here because of me. No, I'm not taking you with me. It's just going to be me. Joe, Joe,

Siwa. Is that how you pronounce it? I think so. Me and Air were going to go and do like a travel

log. The awkward first. I think when I saw me in the tent she thought I was just a weird old man who'd

wandered in from Elstree. But then she had to work. She was a very nice, I wanted Joe Joe to win. I

thought she was the best but unfortunately she messed up. Spoiler alert, she messed up her first one.

I didn't want Marley May to win. You're going to stagger her off. I wasn't going to slag her. She's

very nice. Lady she's heavily pregnant again now. She's very happy in her life. Sort of in her life

out. She wanted a bit too much. Unlike you and Tastnastar. I'm like me and Tastman. I think

it would take to leave it in mastermind. I don't care whether I won or not. Marley May just

seemed a little bit too keen to win. That's all. And when Babatundi got her handshake. She was

a bit rude, I think, about Babatundi's head shake, handshake, even though I would say if you

watched it though, I didn't get a handshake. I didn't want a handshake. I wanted a handjob.

Did somebody save Babatundi? You couldn't have done a handjob. It wouldn't have been a dubel on

Tundra. There's a bit where I make Paul Hollywood open a pedal bin for me. I don't think anyone's

done that before and that is better than a Hollywood handshandy, whatever you want to do. I'm very

happy. Anyway, so I'm just saying, don't bother tuning in tomorrow. I won't be here. I'll be off

with my friends, Babatundi, JoJo, Lesso Marley May. She's from Hitchin as well. So I like her.

We'll be off partying with all the other people who've done a great British break off as well.

So look out for us there. That's all I'm saying. Thanks for your time. I used you and you fell for

my tricks and now back on the big time, back on TV where I belong. It's all I ever did any

podcast for and it's only taken me 18 years and I'm black. Is there any more work in the tightline?

Yeah, loads of work coming in. Do you think the sun is trying to tell something here?

The sun again shining down. We haven't got full lights on but you may have seen on the grown-up

news that, oh god, it was working before. You may have seen on the grown-up news that scientists have

had a surprising male g-spot in the most detailed study of the penis. Yeah, you would think

scientists had done all the studying of the penis that there was to do, wouldn't you?

You would think that but they found a surprising new g-spot on the penis. Yeah, I mean, scientists

they work and they examine the penis in the laboratories all day. They do. They examine their own

penis when they get home. They do or each other's penis in some of them all examine each other's

penises for sure. How they discovered as it taken them all the human history to find the

surprising new nail g-spot. It's a surprise. No men will have found this g-spot and if they find it

ladies little tip tip for you if you like men it is a little tip as well. It is a little tip.

Little tip for you this will drive your man wild if the if and it will be a secret they won't

they won't know about this spot because it's a secret g-spot is it? Yeah, if you've been circumcised

now I hope they did it carefully because it can often get that the nerve engines can get damaged

okay it's not that big of a secret I think anyone who's had a penis or any long-term

reference to one is it's the it's the like little bit that connects the it's the banjo string

basically is it yeah what's the top is there's a little triangle it's like a clitoris I suppose

a clitoris yeah I'm being American for the American market it's just at the top of the penis there

if you haven't been circumcised it should be fine I would say the male g-spot is the old

taint get down on the taint girls or men or men to women because they've got a taint as well

get down there that's the sensitive bit of the penis is it yeah not even the fight of the penis

well it is something you know the penis sort of goes underground as well doesn't it might be down

there a bit keep on going down that's what I say girls bit further keep going get that's it

right around there and then you find and that's the best bit for me but yeah it's the old

there there's the new scientist have just discovered that if you lick the bit at the top of the

penis then that's quite nice yeah but to be honest you know if you lick any bit of the penis or

anything in that basic area you're on for a winner with guys it's tough it's tough it's tough

for guys to do the in for all women to do and it's not as bad for women because they've got an idea

with women you can't just lick everything and out for the best you've got to work out where you

go in it's much more complicated for men just you know if in doubt lick anything that

looms towards you give it a lick and I think most men are going to be happy with that women

can be a bit more damn it more you know targeted and a bit more determined is this for children

so yeah well look it's useful for children to know I think you should only teach children

if they're heterosexual sex alright well that I agree with that actually I don't I think you

know it's inappropriate to to teach children about homosexual sex so when I said women and women

and men and men ignore that what is appropriate is for me to say to children if it is lick men's

cocks when you're a grown up or when you or their asses or their taints that they're like that

if you're a woman and if you're a man yeah you know best of luck finding out what you've got to

do in there I don't know but wait till you're an adult and then get into it but not if you're a

woman you're a woman a man a man because I don't agree with that is that right is that what the

kids are saying I don't know if that's what the kids are saying if you although I think whatever

you think about them whatever's the right thing to think I think that in a way rich aren't we

just to point out so people who are stupid yeah aren't resaturized in the fact that people say

you shouldn't talk about what we're going to explain the sati we're going to do stupidly on this

how he's nice thing that Canadian because some people they need or their jokes explain to them rich

okay because otherwise they get upset so if you just really explain your joke over the top you're

really explaining this joke yeah then that will help now what we're saying is it's ridiculous

to say you shouldn't teach kids about one sort of sexuality and you shouldn't teach them about

another sexuality it should either be nothing all or nothing that's what I say is true that is

I mean I think that it was a satirical point there I think it's come off the you looking extremely

hard hoping well if that's the case that's the opposite of what you want to do if anything I was

being heterophobic well that's just as bad isn't it I guess any kind of phobia against people for

no reason is bad yeah but anyway good luck finding that male g spot ladies or gay men or if you're

just sucking your own cock I don't think is it he will it be easy to get that I'm just trying to

think of the mechanics it's on that side comes in yeah I think there's I think it comes in at the

right side so that's good I think it's been a lot it's been a long time since you took a new

suck your own cock no no that's too straight yeah that's my problem anyway though that's not the

main news story we're going to cover day here comes the main news today you may have seen on the

grown-up news if you were busy to not fight looking for male g spot jade events says aliens are

demons and details obsession with UFOs jade events who you may know is the vice president of the

United States America which you know in some ways it's an astonishing fact isn't it in some

ways it's sort of unbelievable the war in Iran's going on and everything's going to shit but luckily

he's got time to go on the Benny show podcast and he promised he would spend his time looking

to what he calls his obsession with UFOs and extra to restrials there Benny Benny Johnson I think

is the guy who runs this don't he causes show the place for cutting behind the scenes inciting to

the global conflict for freedom that's what this shows about yeah this is very much in it so it's

against the lame stream media I'm sure the Benny show is just the same you want to advance has been

not to be quite the Donald Trump's war in the Middle East that he said is that he said to oppose

had yet looked at any files but unidentified flying objects knowing these days is unidentified

anomalous phenomena Uappers which the president has promised to release I actually haven't

ventured applied mustering significantly more enthusiasm from the previous question about Iran

I've not been able to spend enough time on this but I'm going to trust me I'm obsessed with it

the god-fearing vice president's fixation and if he's god-fearing then god help the rest of us

it was further revealed extended the question of the existence of ex-pranchy beings

and where they might fit into the wider conversation about religion I don't think they're aliens

says to aid events I think they're demons anyway but that's a longer discussion I mean this is

great news isn't if any aliens are out there trying to make contact with us and the second

most powerful man the war goes oh I think aliens are demons so if we see any blow them up before

you see him and if he is a god-fearing man you know you're from one I'm going off on one again

then like if he thinks that aliens are demons then what are angels I mean angels are extra terrestrial

as well so are they demons or are they good you know just be careful jadey vans you're going to

blow up all the aliens because they're demons and then maybe they'll be good and how do you

tell the difference between a good alien and a bad alien I think that he says I think the celestial

beings who fly around who do weird things to people I think that desire to describe everything

celestial everything is otherworldly to describe as aliens every great world religion including

Christianity has understood there are weird things out there there certainly are there's

uh jadey vans jadey vans is out there naturally uh I go when I hear about sort of extra natural

phenomena that's where I go is the Christian understanding that a good out there there's also

some evil out there he says I think one of the devil's great tricks is to convince people he never

existed yeah and you know how he knows that I don't know because the devil told him when he was

in the meeting within in the overall obviously that oh yeah I went there I'm linking at it

sit on it there sit on it there if you like my satire is that the new thing is that

you sit on it there if you like my satire uh I could go for the birthday you're kind of

trying to satire uh I'm wearing a hat I don't like to go too far

murder if I'm with you Baba then the scepter comes and so do I so sit on it Baba

lie high okay not not very good the songs aren't good today sometimes it's just you know not

re-inference I thought you're met and it's very inspired I thought you're making these up

you go along I know I thought you were I'm not I know I thought you were quoting musical

songs they're all musical songs so you think that Vance knows the devil's greatest trick is to

convince people he never existed because he works so he works so they're done in the government he's

he's done on Trump I could be on Saturday night live you might have to be on Saturday night live

because I'm not doing this anymore let me on Saturday night live they're just running the

on Saturday night live you can I can I don't need this those are I can do it alone I've got to catch

traces coming out my wasoo that's a new one I've got scene traces I've got poop coming out of there

I can do songs yeah anyway he's gonna get to the bottom of it but I'm not sure you know I just

think if aliens are watching us like look the chances that they the aliens have turned up just

in this point of history when there's a millions of years of dinosaurs and if they're observing

us from a space telescope they're seeing Romans and stuff they have no idea how far we've got unless

they just have to be flying by right now or unless they are did they could be demons they could be

demons let's not let's not let's listen to JD Vance each I'm sure he has a lot of good things to say

anyway if you want to get JD Vance excited underside of the penis find that little flap of

triangle the skin give it a lick yeah or just I think you'd like it anywhere anything you can lick

around there if you're an alien maybe try that because otherwise you're going to be blown up

we are living in a shit show my friends we certainly are and glad that this is the last

ever news round don't even look for me again because I won't be coming back I'm just waiting for

the phone it hasn't started ringing yet but it that's just probably because so many of you are trying

to get through it once to say rich come on we saw you on bake off come on on our property v shows

don't bring the puppet there you won't say that and we don't think you've got mad we think you're

doing a great job online thanks for everything you've done thanks for all the way you've

shaped comedy over the years and had no thanks for it it's time for you to get all the awards in

the world and you can leave your wife and we've got old drugs and girls everything lined up it's

going to be great is that what you think's going to happen that's what I'm think is going to happen

just it's probably too many people drumming want to stop in the phone ringing just did it being

didn't it did that was just the sub stack then coming up from someone else could there it could

have some social media like talking about you didn't really see anything really no one's

really mentioned I was on didn't just go to your rich here I wasn't to see your snooker board

got me one this is me to snooker mentioned then didn't you see your snooker board it

it was very embarrassing I was embarrassed like it was covered in jizz well that's what happens when

Paul Hollywood really likes what you've done anyway it's time to go thank you for listening

turn off the microphones Terry all right do yeah okay see you next time and now I won't because

when it's it that's the end on spc 2 now locked Voorhees falls out of a window and grabs on to dust

in diamond's penis that's saved by the bell end is that the vest you can do if you're not in this

bit it's on spc 1 now it's rich and all he's craving news round

oh shit uh what were you generally caught out there no of course not I'm just we're just we're

just we're just we're straight right I've literally just written Tuesday the 31st of March on

there we should be all right I'm just making my notes um yeah

like Voorhees um do you remember like Voorhees yeah I do save by the bell rich good restaurants there

hello welcome to rich and alleys uh craving news round I should have said it is Tuesday the 31st

of March 2026 there we got all the big news for you that the lame stream media can't get hold

of plus a musical song now we're not doing that every day that's not it's not eventually I'll

just do the musical song wait we're not doing a musical song oh yeah well I'm we're doing the

serious news program I don't want you interrupting it with a musical song I'm thinking at it you're

not uh and cheeky me then and now I'm winking at it uh uh I'm alley sloper uh sit on it

etc don't put your eggs in a basket they don't start singing I won't do um Richard Herring

um I do I thought you said you weren't coming back any more well look this is good news okay I

haven't the phone hasn't started ringing yet but that is because everyone see me on the TV yeah

nobody seen everybody's seen everyone's talking about the big fish of the entertainment industry

circling around me that's not what you want is it the derefutation now I guess it's not what you

want but they're certainly going to get covered in some kind of batter well done the same batter so

clearly that's all right um and the fact they're not saying anything at all is actually the best

thing could happen to us then then no one wants to make the first move so actually not hearing

anything is the best thing that could possibly happen so I thought just for one more day I'd come

back and do the vlog as partly because of what the big news story is today yeah the big news story

it shifts you you know what is it I do uh but uh little tony tinder was looking at the window

as my old man's discotto die he opened up the lines and what did he find I don't know what did

he find he only bleeding found out that he had blooming well fly he could bloom well fly yeah

he flew over the dust guard saying oh my god oh we can't my dad said oh he

told me come back here that time we get flying up but not ever so high and

until he reached the sun and then he got burned up he with a icarus he's a dickerus

icarus what is this he made you sickerus icarus he's not very good at flying around

and he's better than yesterday's one and then his wings all got burned up and he fell to the ground

for old Tommy icarus I thought it was Tommy tinder yeah it was that's the real musical song looking

don't can you sing it again yeah definitely you know all the words yeah i couldn't

in other words you don't need to chesten the on that anyway um i'm back to expose the lame stream media

for the rubbish it is uh you may have seen on the grown-ups news the main story today uh is

is this bad one for celebrities uh medics rush to bake off tent as star has bloody accident

on set and Alison Hammond looks panic uh it's all the newspapers are just full of stories about me

you have to have an eventually itch it's yeah it did because i'm back in the big time okay

not it's not the stories i was expecting you can bloody talk the other one who's sexually assaulted

me so you know all right that's what you um medics rush to the bake off tent and i need to bring

that up with there is because you're being rude to me and i'm do i won't take it i'm not going to

have that kind of nonsense um you're touched in there no you haven't touched in there but you

you know you touched my penis didn't you know something was a different time which i'm from a different

era okay but look this is the story and this is why i wanted to tell you why you should be

watching news around when it whoever takes over from me uh not the lame stream media because look

it says medics rush to bake off tent there was one medic there's there he is he's in the picture

as star star star yeah is that you well that's what they you know they're trying to make you

click on the headline you think oh my god has no fielding had a terrible accident

has Paul Hollywood been injured it's Richard Herring what who what went i mean they say that now

but they won't say that soon um and Alison Hammond looked panic she did not look panic she looked

i'm concerned pretended to be upset and laughed at me yeah so it's not look what i'm saying is this

they're trying to blow up this tiny little story i cut my finger with an apple slicer it was quite

bad it bled quite badly the medic i've forgotten his name he didn't wrap it up very well i

hate he had to come back two or three times there was blood they didn't show any of the blood

there was blood all over my apples had to make them again then it bled later i think on my ginger

bread a bit as well i don't know i can't remember it was it was a it was a nasty accident but you

know i said i was a brave boy you were it she did very brave i didn't cry um i just said

out i think i swore i don't know which swear word it wasn't he didn't he i think it's cum jumps

it wasn't that i wouldn't say that um and this is the uh think this is the daily express

celebrity bakeoff abruptly halted as medics again only one called over stars horror injury there's

a picture of me in this ton yet again star questionable uh but it wasn't a horror injury i'd

literally cut a little bit of my finger like it was bleeding but not that badly they managed to wrap

it up on a carrot on straight away they're liars you're in the papers though it's that's all

all but if i'd known all it took to get back in the papers was to cut my finger with an apple slicer

i'd been cutting my fingers every day that that's what they want they just want they want blood

they want blood they want guts they want to take people down and she's a hero you survive this

you're you're you're glad and you carried on and you won bakeoff didn't you i mean i think i was

very close to winning i mean no i think probably at the time penalty that was taken up by me having

to restart probably let me down on that apple one uh so that was bad let's see what the next one

is uh medics called to tend to injured somebody bakeoff star as they've heard shrieking in the

background i wasn't shrieking in the background that's the daily mail i think

Lucy Murgatroyd when was i went i went out i went out a shit however of can't jump i didn't say

can't jump i don't even i wouldn't even wouldn't even be able to think of that as a swear word

and that's so you wouldn't you know i wouldn't even cross my mind to put those two things together

i don't know why you've done it well i did it just with the first instance from tomorrow i

probably went oh shit might've said oh fuck i probably would i probably died it down i might

have said oh blooming heck but that's the bakeoff they have to be they have to be nice don't they

eckress or to pickress

he went to the sun with his his wings made of feathers

eckress you could take a pic of us and he got so far that he fell forever and ever and ever and ever

we're bringing out a record of these eventually they're pretty good eckress there's a good song

eck while it starts Tommy Trencher it's going to be eckress uh don't

don't don't don't don't spawn this is my big moment i'm in the papers and uh i wasn't shrieking

in the back i didn't shriek i was i didn't cry i didn't even stretch it i take really hurt

it bled everywhere i went oh no and i was very calm and said oh well you know i've shed blood to

win bakeoff and then i didn't even win it's the story they're like you know you you do so well

on these things and you never win i've tasked master champion the champions you never win i'm

gas game champion the champion there and no one else on this planet is both taskmaster

uk and house of games uk champion champion un only one says suck on that put that in your

newspaper daily mail that's actual news don't put a man cut his finger the aura is hurting on it

i'm reporting on the lame stream media letting people know that it shouldn't trust the lame stream

media um but there we go it's nice to know that all i had to do all this time i've wasted 30 or 40

years trying to write considered thoughtful intelligence political comedy i'm linking at it

how do you see me robber i'm gonna kill you tonight um i and uh i haven't i don't rely on

same phrases that's the thing about you rich you know the you don't not one day you're

never like the next video you don't know what you're gonna get not very yet that's what you

sort of have for the same phrase and i don't like the same phrase i think it's it's weak comedy

what i like to do is come up with you know very scripted very highly thought out intelligent stuff

that you'll be very intelligent to get that that that cocks yeah poor Hollywood and job

that's uh there's something in there anyway don't trust the lame stream media that's all that

today's uh uh news round is about i won't be back tomorrow because i expect the circling of

the eject the ejaculating executives will have stopped by then and whoever comes first has to

lick all the spunk off and then they then they choose what job i get is that yeah this is that part

of the clever satirical comedy yeah it is actually it is if you were clever you'd understand why

it was clever you just think it's cheaper because it's got the word ejaculate in it yeah

aside don't do this side that's not your that's not your that's not your intellectual property

aside it is not an intellectual property i can still hear you wouldn't you say and stuff like that

anyway thanks very much for watching we'll be back next time with even more

um i've did this whatever this is thanks for watching right we tend to talk to each other

yeah i think that was good yeah i think that was good we just we did it but we got it out

late didn't we we got it over we're late today rich that was good all right here we go

this bc2 now it's transformers robots turn into vehicles that are of a different

gender to them to the fury of jk rolling who only identifies as a man when they're writing books

which is okay as long as they never go to the toilet it's pretty simple guys come on

on spc1 no controversy here with rich and allys craven news round

what's up with that old man's nose in the open titles what's up with his nose yeah have you

looked at your own nose yeah oh so anyway hello welcome to another rich and allys craven news

round it is Thursday is the second of April we missed the first of April April fools what's

the April fool joke hey the fools i'm Richard herring uh i am uh in uh excavating Rita educating

Rita you're right educating Rita and excavating Rita at uh Queen Mother Theatre in Hitchin later

in the month if you want to check that out it's sold out isn't it yeah just like the show

i'm doing the gigants and old ones as well anything in Hertfordshire look out for me um we've got a great

uh rehearse to be coming up on the 20th April at the Leicester Square thing what is this with

their Michelle Wolfe and Natasha Hodson two of my absolute heroes in comedy so that's going to

be fantastic but buy your ticket soon nearly out of 18 pound 50 tickets stop this what's going on

i and allys load that i don't do adverts on this and if i did it would be the my erection cream

that i sell allys load was erection cream diet from gofastestrike.com only a 50 pounds

tonnit that is a big tonnit it's a big tonnit that you get you get a big tonnit um this is the news all

the news and if the sun is coming up it's creeping up from the bottom that's fine we're going to

probably put some curtains up here eventually to stop that happening yeah that'd be nice but

there's some tiny windows i don't think you could get curtains for those anyway Richard i'd just

like to say get it over there with early don't put your eggs in the basket this is an end of them

yeah uh sit on it and Barbara yeah and uh and jikini woo hoo oh that worked well woo hoo

say about it moving said woo hoo i'm i don't know that's the same thing i'm winking at it and

always winking at it Richard and winking at it i'm winking at it under the desk as well don't

start being crude there's no point for crudeness in this show that's right Richard

look we've got all the news that's fit to print sorry weren't he yesterday um i think we should

have an apple falls away and we pretended you were dead let's do that next year yeah okay we'll

do that next year do you think the sun still be going next year oh definitely Richard

it'll be on the property by then though i don't think so in return i think i'll still be here

still trying to get over a thousand people watching on youtube it's always gets over a thousand

over two thousand people on youtube you have to add in the people who watch it on um

instagram and uh uh the 37 people who watch on tiktok as well so you know think about that for

you sitting while you're sitting your chair anyway we've got all the news that's fit to print you

may have seen on the grown-up news that uh some americans i think are going to the moon at the moment

they're on their way on their tiggin a long time to get there's a long way away the moon what's

the headline astronauts in final all the top position before setting costs no no wonder it's

taking so long Richard why's that because they have to do all the positions before they can get there

i don't think that's what it means that's all three positions three yeah the man on top

learn on top doing it like a pair of dogs rich doing it so how do dogs do it i think which one

isn't there you get you get in behind okay there's there's only three there right yeah

they're doing all three positions and then all that that and sexual energy charges up the old

uh they shit and bang yeah i mean they look happy don't they look around the camera there so you

know maybe they apparently have to be at the news store i saw that it didn't make it on to news

i don't believe will be you have to be careful you're not allowed to masturbate men on uh if you're

on the international space station because the sperm can go anywhere and if there are any women on

board you can impregnate them without because just the sperm goes everywhere it's a bit like that

episode of the Simpson in it with ants yeah very like that except it's but they should have done

it with home a Simpson's function that would be good to tell the Simpson's spunk and gone everywhere

it would and look we're thought we're trying to keep this is PG friendly for the kids yeah that's

right it's what the kids can actually struggle and it's all fine so we're so what do you think

do you think it's some it's it's worth sending people to the moon they're not even going to the

moon Richard that's the thing that i don't get they just go around the moon we thought they were

actually put the all on the moon you believe that yeah of course we don't believe that we put the

all on the moon i thought i lived in a world before flight Richard and then i saw that right

do you see it yeah i was there and then i was at Kate Canaveral probably when when the first

Neil Armstrong went in the moon yeah i've seen it all rich in night lifetime it's been a long long

lifetime and of course they went to the moon i absolutely believe that is it worth going again

i don't know is it worth sling shutting around the moon just have a look around the back

well you never know what's around the back Richard night you where all the moon people live

so you don't know what's there do you until you can have a look i think people have been around the

moon before i think it's just dark around there you know because it never just keeps the it's

keeps its face to us it's just only for like that's the arse of the moon which on the other side

is it that's the moon arse it keeps its arse out of the way tucked on the ground of that

and with all its moon genitals yeah and it's very rude that these people who are first of all

at them sex in all three positions what about um the man the woman behind the man i don't think

that's awesome what was it Richard i think that's so i think i've heard that Prince William likes

that somehow i don't know but i don't know how would work because the women can put the clitoris

in your buttole is that how it works yeah they put the clitoris in your buttole is that a

different position that is number four it's a very advanced position what about can the man put

anything in the lady's buttole no that was not nothing must go in the lady's buttole Richard

that is not that that's not the something that any order would think are doing and disgusted

you didn't say yes and you suggested the clitoris in that it's a very specialised position

which you know at the click clicked up the moon i wasn't i honestly wasn't expecting to show this

way i'm sorry well sometimes look sometimes i turn up on i'm not particularly funny and i hope

that you'll come up with some stuff here uh and now you're like the suntimes

what are these suntimes all the time and today you've definitely come up with something there

i have the clitor the clitor the bum clitor the bum i was sucking that fun looking at the sun

sundry said can i put my clitor you done i don't think that's a musical song that was one of the

racier ones which i got one about the moon have you there there was a lot of musical things about

the moon little sadly soon took a loan to the moon he she found it was all made out to cheese

and then when she came down she had to big frown because she had some brian and ease

she had something not the jumper cheddar in a hump her she had a hump oh yeah cheddar in a

oh she had she brought a hamper with her yeah that's right um she had Wednesday day old

cuddler in her hair and her face was colored in goats cheese or dripping down in two weddings and

thank you very much chan please it's quite racy this song isn't it yeah and also a baby bell

a baby bell or a specific touring song yet there was a lady tell they had that as well or at the

red hot wax go almost it's going to come next i've been interested to see where you're going to go

with this uh they it was lodged in an armpit that she did didn't give the down oh that's clever

I like that uh because it's got to rhyme with wax i know well i know the song exists already i'm

making up as i go along just tell tell you uh and she had some and derrily dripping down

of that going in a crack and in her ball sack that's not what Sally Spoon's got a ball sack yet

we were very reminded that can victorian times unlike J.K. Rowling Nash is getting a kicking in

she did hey um all right thank you for the song it was not really part of this um so you think

man did go to the night 69 yet 69 hold on did somebody say crittin the bum yeah they did that was a

while ago um did somebody say aren't strong you aren't get strong if you masturbate

you're a little bit behind it when i think sick just sick did someone say 69 did somebody say

67 67 67 i was born in 67 go tell my son that actually he'd be delighted with do

tempering bowling today in his changes named to a 67 67 67 67 67 67 67 67 67 he put as many

67s in as he could possibly go into the computer and was very happy about it and he nearly scored 67

and that's what you know you had to get one more but he had two more going so yeah but getting

that's 77 so that was disappointing oh do tell us your life story how that's an idiot fucking hell

but this isn't the news isn't it is it 67 is very trendy is it which i think by the time you're

saying 67 i think 67 isn't very trendy 67 come on get in you do as well but i'm you do

67 67 all right did somebody say 67 okay um you think that you think the moon landing

was real i think the landing was all too real which he was so yeah good we've got one of our

reporters actually is on the is on the moon right now no way yeah i don't let a wonder which

reporter will be today there's the moon can that's the planet earth there behind you see that i

can see it and i wonder which reporter is coming through the window today

well will it who will it be place your bets if you think it's good who do you think oh i'm on

the moon that was interesting for a second let's see who it's gonna be get a little cooler hello

Richard it's neat the popular twitcher fun character conspiracy theory yeah the easier pop with

the popular i don't know people remember i don't really remember what his voice was the sun is

blinding a bit on the moon there and i just yes the sun shines on the moon as well a shining

conspiracy i'm conspiracy t.o and trying to remember my voice yeah get out of the way as you get

yeah and i just want to say i don't think man at the landing on the moon what you've gone to the

moon to tell yeah i'd come to the moon to have a look what evidence is there that man has ever

come it well like if you just move out the way yeah there's some footprints there those are my

three footprints are they let's see issues and i am hollow okay that's fine and conspiracy theory

i'm not generally called in repurposed from as it occurs to me and conspiracy to that is a

conspiracy is it a conspiracy yeah that's one conspiracy i do not agree with but all the other

conspiracy theories are true including man never went to the moon oh Jay Simpson was in this

race rocket ready to go i don't think that's um capricorn one and the spaceship blew up and they

had to pretend that the pilots had perished even though they were still on earth it was all done

in a film studio i'm on the moon now Richard and i can't see any evidence of the the moon landing

here i can see the earth it's but if you're on the moon why can you not believe that i'd come to

the moon that's fine and you can breathe on the moon yeah and you're hollow you're a hollow man

and literally a hollow man Richard it's a very clever satire this show isn't it yeah intentionally

always intentionally uh you're on the moon yeah but you think man never went to the moon no

never man has never stepped foot on this moon and i don't have any feet so that still stands

okay um even though there's footprints on there there's footprints rich but they put the

footprints here to fool you and to think it happened are you really so stupid uh i'm surprised

we haven't had you one more often conspiracy theory you are a the excellent character and the very

good character i believe in conspiracies and on the moon you know i would say there's a conspiracy

that you're not on the moon that you're just standing in front of a picture of the moon what

uh with the earth in the background i know look i'm look oh and floating look look at what oh

and bouncing oh shit and just not like a phone packet that's all right oh oh i'm on the moon

how can you breathe um i've got a special uh aqua lung thing like sometimes you get in

sci-fi feels um do you think you'll ever appear on this pocket i can't see i'm coming back can

you know it's it's it's it's a poor character rich look i had to try and work out what's

going to do with the Jeremy Corbyn puppet that we hardly ever used we paid someone so much money

to make this was ridiculous and did the satin everything they saw us coming and then i thought

i'd use it work with the king of the world didn't the king of the world was good who was that

was king herad originally don't spoil all the magical illusion so earlier it's the the moon don't

know man's into the moon that space craft currently orbiting the moon is not here i looked up

no space craft i think it's on the way from north it's orbiting the earth well i'm looking at the

earth no space rocket there it's all you're being tricked you sheep all can't you see how you're

being tricked it's obvious only i know how do you know you're not being tricked by people saying

you're being tricked no because i'm not you're but how do you know that the people telling you that

that it's a conspiracy aren't that isn't the conspiracy because it isn't because i'm right

and you're wrong well i think i'm right in you're wrong well you're not well

just seems likely that i'm more likely that i'm right than you know that i think it's not

likely i'm right so well i suppose we're we're in impasse aren't we no one has i'm here in the

moon rich where are you just on the planet earth i don't think you are in the moon i think Stanley

Kubrick has set up a brilliant studio and made it look like you're on the moon well i'm right here

there's the moon how could you do that it's a good question how could you do i mean you know

how could you do that so i'm i'm on the moon and man has never been to the moon and that's the end

of that chapter okay fucking hell think people actually watch that i think you'll do watch it

and i think they enjoy it do you think so i think they like the uh active nature of this do you

think they like that yeah okay i used to be on property you will be again that you will be

on property you're on mass again i know i thought they'd been touched by now they're just waiting

which they're fighting their time you'll be fine okay they're really yeah

yeah i hope for you or work out yeah you're good you're you're good at this am i yeah

don't get anyone put you now don't get anyone say you're at the office because they're not your

real friends like i am i mean you my real friend yes of course i don't i hope you've enjoyed

today's episode will be back soon it's good Friday tomorrow i don't know if they'll be a good Friday

edition we might be back on Tuesday uh but we might do tomorrow yeah just it gets me away from

looking after the kids i meant to be looking after my son now yeah yeah hope he's all right anyway

we're gonna go let's do some chatting quick before the sun gets us i burning i'm burning all right

goodbye everyone fuck you on spc2 now it's good Friday it's five to five and it's crack or jack

it's not a tv show that's just the only options open to the young people of great Britain

in this society and economy am i right either take crack or jack off those are your choices

well peter glaze watches on spc1 now it's rich and all is craving news round

so look at the camera they can see uh hello and it's here we are with welcome to uh

rich and all is craving news round it's Friday the 3rd of April it's good Friday if you celebrate

that threes to the lord jesus he got got tongue up on the cross um not very good Friday for him

is it if i think that joke has been made before well we're saying again uh

is it worth saying again no it wasn't i'm Richard herring this is my best friend in the world

it really yeah i think so allysloper and the longest uh double act i've been in uh in my life

it's going all right it's going okay i love you rich oh it's nice and if you got me an easter egg

note uh we didn't know if we would do any uh easter shows but there's been such big news we have

to do it get it out the way early that's a nice say yeah we do have to get it out the way early

sit on it the other uh sit on it a easter no i don't say that sit on jesus no um guys that was close

you get taken off the air by off-com uh with here we're i'm just showing willing like i don't

think even john craven did john craven's use round on good Friday he was at home with his family

i've said screw the family it's important that people hear the news that's right that's what i said too

and uh and cheeky me woohoo and i love the way you say well who without moving your mouth well

anyone couldn't do the interlocutors it's easy and also i'm linking at it oh shit

nice that was a good that was a good that was a good one sorry that was me talking yeah i just

incentivized you your mouth move though um which it's a bit of fun we're just here for good Friday

we've been allowed to bring in games because it's the we probably won't do any one of these till

Tuesday no we know who knows who knows that hallelujah jesus is risen now he's he's gone in

he did he did they said it took him three days he goes in on Friday evening comes out first

thing Sunday morning is very 28 hours he's in there not lying for us it's not three days

you know it's just a hangover isn't it i think people have done that joke before so okay

i've had weekends like that time that little drunk yeah i think people have done i think people

have done all the jokes that are that are possible out jesus don't tempt me Richard don't put me

to the test i we don't want to defend anyone this holy day holy holy lord god almighty

no we don't all right so let's we'll just crack on we'll just do a quick new story

then it'll all be over now you may have seen on the grown-up news that uh trump as uh and

Pete Heskith have sacked both Pam Bondi not interested in that um but also Randy George has

gone Randy George yeah uh i didn't i don't think Randy George would it would whatever i thought

he'd be safe hold Randy George Randy George is he just sounds like a guy just hangs around in the

gardens uh the white house behind the bushes making his own entertainment um that is Donald

Trump you're thinking of there Randy George it's a perfectly it's his name he's a very high-up man

in the military don't want to take the piss out in Randy George it's like uh listen if you

got a puppet we can use and call him Randy George he does sound like uh like a character we were

at a Randy George little Randy George went on a trip to Chad the god to see if he could get the

lady still eat his cheeses really hey got on a shower thank and hoping for a bangy-dangy

and that all the ice-young ladies would be down on the knees is but when you got there

is coat it's hot deflare and his little johnny apple seed was showing is johnny apple seed yeah

that's what we called it in those days and the fleece came along and they saw his great big

dong and they said come with us uh i'll tell you where you're going you're going to jail Randy George

you should have cut it out in the gorge we were looking for guys like you and what were you

like to do is lock your up in jail where everyone want to see your cock is that that's not a real one

don't worry when you're in jail lots of people will tuck you off that's not that's not the real

one don't worry when you're in jail you get bummed a lot a great lot that's not a real musical

song stop messing around Randy George is a highly respected Randy George he's a highly respected

military man px because as let him go we don't know why because he's called Randy it's ironic that

the only person called Randy in America who's lost their job recently is is someone who you know

is not on the Epstein list you think you would think you would might think he would be but

someone who's called Randy you know it's got it is he's hiding in plain sight isn't he's not hiding

he's not done anything wrong he's just called Randy George and you know is that enough rich

to face a whole episode of news round and I think that's enough to base a weeks worth of news

rounds on his knee well a Randy George I'm going to get a puppet made up of Randy George if you

want to see Randy George over he looks like a little country bumpkin with his trousers round his

ankles look there he that's present Trump that's Randy George so he's not he doesn't look

Randy at all and I think it's just short for Randolph I think isn't it American Randy there's

lots of people called Randy there's nothing I'm using about it why you don't think because he's

called Randy George and he's standing in front if it wasn't like if his surname was a regular if

it was Randy Harris it wouldn't be a problem it's because he's a Randy little Randy George

went to the blacksmith's forge hoping to meet the blacksmith's wife he got that his salami

because he was ever so slightly army and all he saw was the blacksmith with a very big knife

and the blacksmith said to Randy George come here Randy George you get out of my forge and

cut you out good and proper come and you do it I don't like the way there's so many songs

you don't approach why are you trying to think of different things at Rhyme with Gorge

your penis is not denormous that's not a good rhyme that's the side of the song goes

so leave my wife alone or I'll be cross cut Rhyme with okay let's move on from that

we are going to talk to what about correspondence about about being called Randy we have

actually have a Randy correspondent we do and I don't know how he'll be feeling about

about this particular new story but let's head over can you guess which one it is we sort of

given it away we're heading over Sandringham now to see to meet oh I'm there I'm in Sandringham

to meet uh correspondent randrew andrew andy andy oh my head's go sorry

well my head's always let me help let me help he's got a little head go there we go oh

there's a little problem issue with this there we go you all right sorry no sorry there it should

my head seems seems to be coming out of this fuck it you go there and it's in a difficult

few weeks for me is your head coming off well it looked like it was andy but I'm sure it'll be fine

it me randrew andrew they call me randy andy and I've seen this randy George

and look why is he not in more trouble than I my name was a nickname made up my beverage

fresh at a time when being randy with the scene is a positive thing and uh I just want to say

that uh it never always need to see just all he's done is lost his job I lost my house

I lost all the businesses I had going all the girls I was seeing they all disobeyed uh all my

contracts and uh my soul steve and randrew George is there and randrew andy andy I'm the original andy

and he's not even he's not here randrew to change that to him and i said you want to have a sex

at this one with me and he said no i in the proper american general or something and i don't do that

and looking after the country that's how he how unrandy he is so it makes he furious that i just got

angled randy randy andy did i get into trouble well i'm sorry about your head out randy andrew

let's see if we put it there will that help there's a little hook there maybe that help maybe just

ah is that it i've got a little head oh well if we knew your head came off like that i think we'd

have given you a lot more time i think there's oh i see what's happening don't worry randy andrew

i'm gonna i'm gonna i've got this i don't worry which lyson i'm not breaking your beautiful

you know i mean could you do this not on it look this is live i have to i have to

don't turn over to crack or jack i don't know i thought i think i'll be able to sort it later i think

just that's oh just trying to get this your little knob into this tight hole yes i don't know uh

maybe did it everyone sort it out later hello it's me randy andrew we had not started again

you've done we've done the joke yet and uh your head came off that was fun let's see if we can

get that in it it's like it it's like you know you know those ducks you get it uh to their grounds

this is a little hook i'm just trying to get into a little hole who would have thought randy andrew

would have a little hook uh look i've done it there we go my head is back on rigid oh look i'm

pleased that's one of the worst things that's happened in the last couple of years yeah i think

you've had a good couple i have had a good couple of years which and uh my head coming off was

certainly one of the worst things that happened to me well it was bad for me to have to do that

live on tv yes it's live there's no way of editing any of this out there's a thing

anyway uh i couldn't have been on the xd enlist because i was in a chain of some kind in the small

english camp town of some kind you know how it goes i do yeah i do and it was unusual and i

couldn't remember it because it was unusual for me it was unusual to be there not prince andrew

it was unusual for me randrew andrew anyway don't like randy George he's moving in on my

territory and you know i'm the most famous randy and get back off that's what i back off

i've got this covered yeah i think i think no one's really trying to emulate uh you there so i

appeared in san jingham again there let's get back to the main thing so i think it's good friday

we're allowed to you know they can't all be gold that's what you have to remember about this

so they can't all be gold which would be nicer than a couple of them were gold over the

people like your songs do they yeah should i do something to jesus no

poor old baby jesus nailed up on that cross i don't think he was a baby

why did it happen to him why was everyone so cross he can't rhyme cross with cross

all he did was bring peace and love to all of

and then kind and taught us how to love each other taught us to be kind you can't rhyme kind man

kind with kind is the same word poor old baby jesus he's got nails right through his wrist don't say

that he's got nails in his dick to a feet he's where his nappy's full of his don't say that it

would be anyway because he's a literally baby that he died for your sins so you should be nicer

about him maybe he gave us chocolate eggs with those nails through his legs don't say that

and the crown of thorns which

what you're on out of things to say i just tried it as if you wore a crown of thorns in

tribute to and the actress Angela thorn is that really what's from what she's keeping up

appearances is that Angela thorn i don't know that's why you do ask him

and oh baby jesus thank you for everything you did and now we'll eat some hot crust

then and then what what's going to rhyme we did and

and wait for you as you hid in the tomb in the tomb you hid see you on sunday jesus um okay thanks

very much for watching everyone i'm sorry i apologize uh to any christians watching this

sun lightly but you never know anyway we've got to go that's the news today randy george

we're gonna if anyone wants to make a puppet randy george risk i don't think it can look like

randy george uh anyway i've dropped all my notes here we are no thank you for watching

have a very happy Easter we'll see you maybe on Tuesday you know i don't know actually it's my wedding

anniversary i'm gonna choose that back i'm gonna do one of these my wife will be cross uh now go

fuck fuck off bye bye everyone thank you for listening to my podcast gofastestripe.com such badges

if you want to help us Richard herring.com satra holester but if you want to see a live show listen

to another podcast preferably one made by me but there's lots there's apparently some other people

do them as well now so you can listen to them so i feel like all right see you around