Power Pop Minisode 37– Apologies and Forgiveness

0:00Hello wonderful listeners, Sandy here with another PowerPop. Today I'm talking about apologies and forgiveness. It's on my mind today because last week I found out that one of the people I thought was a friend had been talking negatively behind my back. When I asked her about it, her response was, well I'm sorry, you feel that way. Instead of owning it and apologizing or explaining what she had meant to say, she put it right back on me that got me thinking about the importance of giving good sincere, caring apologies. We all know conflict is a natural part of being human. We misunderstand each other all the time, we speak too quickly, we act without thinking, we make choices that hurt someone else, often it's not intentional, but because of this the ability to apologize and also to respond to apologies is one of the most important

1:04skills for maintaining healthy relationships. Unfortunately, apologies are often delivered poorly and misunderstood, so it's important to understand what an apology really means and how to give them in order to rebuild trust and repair harm. First of all, let's look at what an apology is and it's core and apology is the acknowledgement of harm. It's a way of saying I recognize that my actions hurt you and that matters to me. A genuine apology contains several elements, first of all the recognition of the harm and then take responsibility, don't make excuses, don't blame, never say I'm sorry you feel that way. Own it, express regret, communicate your sincere remorse for any harm you may have caused and a real apology includes the intention of commitment to change that you're going to act differently in the future and you're not going to do that ever again. And hopefully a sincere apology will help you repair whatever trust was lost.

2:05So if you want to give a meaningful apology, first of all be specific, name the behavior you're apologizing for and don't be defensive, don't explain your intentions or go overboard making excuses for yourself and listen more than you speak. After apologizing, give the other person's space to express how they feel and don't rush forgiveness, the other person may need some time to rebuild trust in you and who you are and then make sure that your actions follow your words. You need to never do whatever it was again and you need to be consistent in your building of trust. An example of a really good apology is I'm so sorry for what I said earlier. I realize it was hurtful and dismissive and I take responsibility for that. I want to do better. If you're willing, I'd like to understand how it affected you and then listen if they're willing to share and validate what they say. Being able to receive an apology is also important. You can acknowledge it and recognize the effort without immediately forgiving.

3:09You can ask questions if you want, understanding whether the person really understands the harm they did and help clarify where they're coming from, realize that you're not obligated to forgive on the spot. It often takes a lot of time to rebuild trust and notice patterns. Repeated apologies without behavioral change can indicate that apology is not sincere at all. We all know people who do something that's harmful, apologize profusely, and then the next week they do it again with another profus apology. After a while you realize that they are really not regretting what they did and the apology is empty. And then the question is when do you want to forgive? Forgiveness is a personal choice, not a social obligation, and it's healthiest when the harm is acknowledged honestly, the person takes responsibility, there's evidence of change behavior, and you feel emotionally ready. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting the harm or pretending it didn't matter. It simply means releasing the desire for continued resentment or punishment.

4:11When you forgive, you actually let yourself go as well as letting the other person move ahead. For some people forgiveness can bring relief, closure, and emotional freedom if it's appropriate and if it's earned. And there are situations where forgiveness may not be appropriate. If the person refuses to acknowledge the harm they did, or the harmful behavior continues, apology is manipulative or insincere, and forgiving would just expose you to more harm. So you have to be aware of the patterns and be able to set boundaries. Sometimes choosing not to forgive is a healthy response, as long as you're setting boundaries and removing yourself from the situation that was causing you pain. Apologies and forgiveness are both rooted in the same truth that people are imperfect. We hurt each other and we don't mean to, and we get hurt in return. Most of the time, the other person doesn't mean to either. And apologies can create the possibility of repairing the relationship and forgiveness

5:12can create the possibility of moving forward, but neither one should ever be forced. When done sincerely, an apology can transform conflict into understanding, and when forgiveness comes freely, it can release both people from the weight of the past and you can move ahead. In the end, the goal of an apology is not to simply say I'm sorry, it's to rebuild trust, restore dignity, and acknowledge that relationships matter enough to try again. So if you have been hurt by someone, or if you need to make an apology, please consider all of this. If you want to rebuild trust and keep your relationships healthy, you have to be open and honest, and willing to both apologize and forgive.