Parenting Today's Teens - I Mustache Mark a Question: Trust, Consequences and Second Chances

0:00Hey folks, Mark Gregston here and if you got a teen at home who's struggling and you feel like you tried just about everything, I want you to know there's help. It's called Heartlight. Come see what we do over at Heartlightministries.org. Friend, there's still hope for your family. Welcome to Parenting Today's Teams, a daily podcast that provides stories, insights and wisdom to help you as a parent gain a deeper relationship with your team. On today's Q&A episode, Mark Gregston answers the most pressing questions that you're asking about your team. Let's listen in. We're going to be talking about trust today and these are the questions.

1:00What if the behavior that broke our trust in the first place still continues? Our son doesn't want to change or stop his behavior. The second question is, what if our daughter has lied so many times that we can't trust anything coming out of her mouth to be true? The third question is, we've given second, third, fourth, fifth chance. Nothing seems to be getting better. We're exhausted and hurt. What do we do now? The fourth question is this. How do I find out what's motivating my child to do the things that she does? This is all together. I'm going to wrap it up in one. Trust, according to Google, is defined as a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone. There's a guy by the name of George David Miller. I have no idea who he is, but I've found this and it says, trust becomes solidified when words consistently are backed up by deeds.

2:03It's basically what I would call integrity. It's saying what you do and doing what you say. I think there's some preliminary things. I need to make sure that everybody understands before I answer these questions. I think this is important. It's the concept of trust. I want you to know, I live with 60 high school kids. I've lived with over 3,000 kids. They live with us at Heartlight, a residential counseling center that we've had for 30 plus years. We've always had kids living with us since Jane and I were married after our sophomore year of college. This is what I've learned. I don't trust kids, but what I do trust in them is that they're going to break your trust. That's just the nature of it. Scripture says that, cursed is the man who puts his trust in man for who he'll be like a bush in the desert that dwells in the salt places of the earth where no one dwells and his leaves will wither in a time of heat.

3:03So at the very core of it, I know that when a teen enters adolescence, whatever I trust them to do, they are going to break that trust. And that is what I can trust. But for me to say that, yes, I trust them implicitly and exclusively to do something where I believe in their reliability, their ability to tell the truth, their ability or the strength. I know this that teens aren't always reliable. They don't always tell the truth. And when they do, it's not the whole truth. And sometimes it's everything but the truth. They don't have all their abilities lined up yet nor are they strong in holding to what they believe. And so I know that they're going to break the trust. So I'm not surprised when they do. It doesn't surprise me. It doesn't alarm me. I don't get disappointed. The second thing is that I tell kids, I go, the issue isn't me trusting you.

4:03It's really you trusting me in what I'm telling you and what I'm saying. I mean, at some point, I will trust you as far as you can trust me. So can you trust me? Now, that's something that they struggle with a bit. They're the ones that need to trust me in what I'm asking and what I'm requiring because I'm moving along a path of training them so that they can become independent, take control of their life, make decisions. Do all of those wonderful things that they want to do, but you got to trust me. And so the question I turn back to them is, do you trust me? You want me to trust you, but you don't trust me. Okay, let's go half and half. I'll trust you part of the time. You trust me part of the time. Let's see what happens. And better yet, we can get to a point where I can trust you all the time and you can trust me all the time. That's what I hope for. The third thing is this. It's not my job to trust you as a kid. It's a child's job to get me to trust them. Sometimes they put it on us saying that we're the ones that keep trusts from happening or

5:08a relationship of trust from happening and I go, no, you know what, that's your job. It's your job as a 14 year old to get me to trust you. It's not my job to do that. You have to do that. And I think that's a little bit different perspective because what I'm doing is saying I'm not going to be disappointed by them. They have to take responsibility and trust. And at the same time, that's their job. They have to show me that they are trustworthy and then I will give them my trust. On the side note, only to be broken again. And so the question is, you know, the first question that somebody asks is what if the behavior that broke our trust in the first place is still continuing? Our son doesn't want to stop or change his behavior. Well, if all behavior is goal oriented, a child is doing something for a reason. If they continue to do it, it's because they feel like what they're doing is worth the consequence. And until the pain from their behavior is greater than the pleasure they get from it,

6:10they're not going to change. And so in one sense, there needs to be a stronger consequence for a child doing something wrong. And when that doesn't work, if they're just, they keep being driven to keep doing the same thing over and over and over again. And it's hard to trust them. Then it may be giving them a reward. I call it carrots or consequences. So there's going to be a consequence. And let's use the example. Let's just use the example of a curfew. Say it's midnight. And this has got to be age appropriate. I mean, it's a curfew for somebody 18 years old. It's far different than a curfew for somebody who's 12 years old. But let's say that we have this rule that it's 12 o'clock and they keep breaking that rule. You know, coming in 15 minutes late, isn't that big of a deal? But the issue is, let's be a little prompt. And I don't want to be militaristic with them or, you know, I really want to be flexible. But at the same time, if I really believe that that's a big issue and an important issue,

7:12then what I may do, rather than just believe that a consequence is going to take care of things, I may put a carrot before them. And if you can get in early, then I'll give you a free tank of gas for your car. Or I'll do something that attracts them that makes it beneficial with them. So a consequence turns them away and a reward encourages the strong behavior. Okay, that's the number one question. The second question that somebody has asked is, what if our daughter has lied so many times that we can't trust anything coming out of her mouth to be true? And this question really comes, somebody said, you know, I know who my daughter's lying. I go, when's that? They go, well, whenever her mouth is open. So a lot of people deal with it. I always go back a little bit and say, okay, why is she lying? What is her motivation for lying? Is she fearful that if she tells the truth and she's wrong, that she's going to lose the relationship with a mom and dad? Is she fearful of consequences?

8:13And I hope she is. I hope the consequences are strong enough that she's trying to get out of it. She would rather not go through that pain. That's kind of normal. But here's the problem with lying. Lying destroys relationships. So what you're really fighting for here is not so much about the line as much as is the ability that line has to ruin the relationship with somebody. Is she fearful of breaking the perfect view that parents have of her? So she lies about it. Is she in an environment that requires her to always have to be perfect, that the admission of guilt or wrongdoing would break that perception, thus ruining the atmosphere she has to be raised in? Would she shame herself if the truth be known? I mean, a lot of families don't want to hear the truth. A lot of people would shame themselves or say, we don't want to talk about the truth.

9:13We don't want to talk about hardships and difficulty and those things. And so I always ask that question. And the other thing is, is she just embarrassed? And this is where a family can say to a child, you know what? I just want you to know that I used to lie when I was 15 years old or I used to lie when I was 16. I used to not tell the truth because I was scared to death of these things. And so you create the atmosphere that something's different. But there's usually something driving a child lying. You know what? And here's the thing. These questions and everything we're talking about really isn't about trust. It's about teaching kids to make good decisions. And so that's what I want is the opportunity to teach them how to make good decisions. Here's the next question. Somebody says, we've given second, third, fourth and fifth chances. Nothing seems to be getting better. We're exhausted and hurt. What do we do now?

10:14You know what you do? You give a sixth, seventh and eighth, ninth and tenth chance again. Because the point of it is not so much the trust being broken because you know that kids are going to break the trust. It's whether they're learning to make better decisions the next time. If you take back control from a child every time they break your trust, then you're not giving them the opportunity, you're truly not giving them the opportunity to learn how to make good decisions again because you've taken that away from them. What you have to do is give it back to them. Try again and make sure that those consequences are in place if they blow it, which they will occasionally, and that there's an encouragement of a carrot before them that they would go, okay, I want to do that behavior. And the point of it is this, when they find that they either don't do something that they're not supposed to be doing, you know, or they do something that they're supposed to be doing, that life is better, that relationships are better, that they're happier.

11:16So they go, you know what? It's good to follow some rules here. But the goal is to train them up. And if I take away the opportunity for them to become independent or for them to take control or make decisions, then they can't flex their decision-making muscle so that they can pick up the heavier stuff the older they get. And here's the other question, the last question here is, how do I find out about what's motivating my child to do the things that he or she does? Ask. That would be the first thing I would say, hey, why do you think people do the things they do? And tell them, you know, hey, I lied a lot when I was a kid. If my mouth was open, I was lying. But here's the reason I was lying, is because I was scared to death of my dad, because he would beat me. Or my dad would go silent and not talk to me for weeks at a time.

12:19Or he'd punish me. You know, there's reasons why that back it up. And, you know, I can't always, as a parent and as a grandparent, I can't always change my child or my grandchildren. But what I can change is me. And if the reason that they're doing something in particular that's inappropriate, I have to ask the question, is it I? Is it I that's causing that? Is it me that is pushing my child that way? The second thing I would do besides asking is just observe. And sometimes we don't spend enough time with our kids to really observe what's going on in their life. I love watching kids at school in a lunch room. And I don't know why, other than it tells me a lot about them. I like watching them from a distance and see how they engage. I like watching them at Starbucks and see who they're talking to, how they go back and forth and how they engage in discussion or being by themselves.

13:24I like watching them at football games and baseball games. I'm kind of a people watch. I love watching them in airports. I just like to watch the behavior, but through observation you can pick up a lot. And the other thing is this that, you know, when I want to find out what's motivating my child, is I reflect on it a little bit. And then I share it with them. I spend a lot of time thinking through, why would a child be doing this? And I come up with like, you know, five, six different answers. And then I just spend some time reflecting on that. I don't always have to answer, you know, to somebody immediately. I can take my time and think it through. But then I want to share it with them. Hey, I see that you're doing this. And I know we're coming to blows. And I know it's not going well. And you're not getting along with your mom and things are this and things are that. And I'd like to just share with you some observations that I might have. This is where the environment that you create establishes an arena of trust.

14:30And the first thing that I want a child to know is that you can trust me that I'm going to tell you the truth. I'm going to tell you what I see, what I'm thinking, and what I think might be going on in your head. And we're going to have a discussion about it. Hopefully this helps. I mean, it's always tough when a child's lying to you, but you have to look at it as a wonderful opportunity to help them see the value of telling the truth, the value of having trust in relationships. And then it's okay to talk about wrongdoings and things and mistakes that people have made. It's so important. Hey, remember, trust is a firm belief in the reliability, the truth, the ability, or the strength of someone. And when we talk about trust, it really isn't about trust. It's about teaching them to make good decisions. So no matter what, no matter what your child continues to do, give them that second chance, but do this too. Keep loving your team. Hey, moms and dads, there is a risk to letting your team make decisions in their life.

15:33And that risk of them making choices just might include times when they don't use their best judgment. But they are learning how to make decisions. And you must allow them to do so even though they make mistakes. They're going to blow it and disappoint you. But courage is getting back up in the saddle and giving them another opportunity to exercise their decision-making muscles so that they begin to see the need for wisdom and good judgment. It means that you have to give them another chance to blow it again for the sake of the lessons to be learned. Let them make choices and be responsible for their decisions and believe the process will develop a sense of maturity that only comes with a parent who is willing to rebuild trust with their team. Hey, I hope you have a great day. Thanks for listening to Parenting Today's Teams.

16:33For more information, you can visit ParentingToday'sTeens.org, heartlightministries.org, or markgrexton.com. We'll be back here on Monday for another great episode. Have a great weekend and we'll talk to you then.