Mel Robbin’s Motivation

0:00Hey, it's a strong baby, how y'all feeling out there today? I hope everybody is doing well and doing okay. That's right now I am like a little bit tired. I think I'm over something. I mean, I'm just tired, exhausted. But I'm not too tired to get on this podcast every day. So here I am. And we're going to listen to Mel Robbins. It's really cool about the topic of motivation is the whole story of how I got to where I am now from rock bottom to here. And the reason why I'm talking to you has to do with hacking motivation. And so in teaching you this amazing tool that you're going to apply to your life immediately once you learn it and you're going to be inspired to do it, you're also going to learn a heck of a lot about me. Now the science of motivation when it comes to hacking motivation, there are three words.

1:05I want you to never forget motivation is garbage. Now that may sound weird coming from one of the most successful motivational speakers in the world. So let me unpack this for you. Motivation is garbage because it's never there when you need it and one of the biggest mistakes that you make in life. And I know this to be true because it is the biggest mistake that I need to is waiting around for motivation to come. It's not coming. Not only is motivation not coming. No one's coming. If you want to create a better life, if you want to achieve your goals, if you want to be happier, more successful, if you want a better relationship, it's going to require you to take action and to take action before you feel ready. I almost destroyed my life by waiting around for motivation to strike.

2:05My problems were so big that I nearly lost everything that I care about. If I had sat around and waited for motivation to strike, I would be divorced. I would be bankrupt. I would have torn my family apart. I would probably be an alcoholic. But thank God during one of the worst moments of my life, I discovered something extraordinary. I discovered this secret to hacking motivation. And this secret, it changed my life. It gave me the confidence and the courage that I needed to face the things that felt overwhelming. This secret, it changed the life of millions of other people. And once you learn it, it'll change your life too. So, let me tell you the story. I got to take you all the way back to 2007, and this is what was going on. So, at the time, I was four years old and my husband and I had three kids under the age of ten.

3:09And my husband and his best friend had gone into the restaurant business and had always been a dream of theirs. And the first restaurant was a small little pizza joint, 40 seats. It was an absolute home run. So proud of my husband and our best friend. And so, in success, they decided to expand. And like complete idiots, we cashed out our entire life savings. We took out a home equity line because that's basically free money, right? You know, we cashed out about your credit cards because what could possibly go wrong in the restaurant business? Well, basically everything did. Location number two was the wrong location. Location number three was way too expensive. And then all of a sudden, 2008 hit. And here in the United States, that was the year that that massive housing market collapse happened. And we found ourselves $800,000 in debt.

4:11Chris and his best friend were not able to make payroll. I then lost my job and everything started to spiral. And here's the thing. Ever in a million years, did I think that at the age of 41, I would be on the verge of losing my house. I would be unemployed. I would be embarrassed and ashamed and just spiraling. That was not my vision board. And what happens when your life goes off the rails or you suddenly experience some kind of unexpected setback, whether it's a death or you get fired or some tragedy hits your life. You know what's out there? Motivation. I'll tell you what's there. Fear, shame, procrastination, depression, anxiety. I had all of that more. You want to know how I face this moment in my life like a champ. I basically drank myself into the ground and screamed at my husband every time I saw him because clearly he tried to do this on purpose.

5:17That sort of coping scale. It actually didn't help the situation. It made it a lot worse. And here's the other interesting fact about this moment in time. Even though I literally felt like I had been pushed off a cliff without a parachute. I knew what I could do. I knew that it would help if I looked for a job. I knew that I could call my parents and tell them what was going on. I knew I should reach out to friends. I knew that I should still exercise. I knew that I shouldn't drink so much. I knew that my husband was trying everything he could to solve the financial situation and to fix the business. And yet, I didn't do any of those things. Why? Because I didn't feel motivated to do those things. I felt depressed. I felt anxious. I felt angry. I felt scared. And those feelings are what kept me trapped. I didn't know what I'm about to teach you. I didn't know that I could take action before I felt ready.

6:20I didn't know how to push myself. I just knew that I was going to be fucked if I didn't figure this out. And so, you know, one night, everything changed. And you're going to often hear me say on this podcast, you are one decision away from a different life. Do not wait around for the motivation to make that decision. One decision away. So, I'm sitting there on a Monday night in 2008 outside of Boston, Massachusetts. And I don't know if you've ever been in a situation where your life is so bad that you're getting yourself a pep talk. I mean, that is kind of a pathetic moment. You know, it's one thing the friend gives you a pep talk, but if you're going to give it to yourself. And so, I'm sitting there watching TV. And we're about a week away from our first bankruptcy proceeding. Chris has not been paid in six months. My checks are bouncing left and right. We've pulled our daughter out of town soccer because we cannot afford the $125 fee.

7:22I am hiding from friends. We have not paid the mortgage in months. It's just a disaster. And I'm watching TV and I'm giving myself this pep talk. That's it. No. That's it. Tomorrow morning woman. It's the new you. Tomorrow morning. You've got to look for a job. You've got to stop drinking so much. You've got to call your parents and ask for some money. You have got to stop screaming at Chris and buy God woman. When that alarm clock goes off, you cannot hit that snooze button five times. You cannot lay there like a human pop roast marinating in fear. You want to have got to get out of bed. You have got to get those kids on that bus. And all of a sudden, across the television screen, I saw a rocket launch at the end of a commercial. Five, four, three, two, one. And it gave me this crazy idea. I thought, oh my God, that's it. That's the answer.

8:23That's the answer we're getting up. Tomorrow morning, when that alarm clock rings now, you are going to watch yourself out of bed like a rocket ship. You are going to so fast that you won't be in that bed when that anxiety and that depression pings you there like a gravity blanket. You are going to launch like a rocket. Now, it could have been the full of burning. That happens. I had to give me that idea because I was trying to get it off a lot. But for whatever reason, I'll never forget it. It was a Tuesday. And that's the very first time I saw it. And when I first explained this to you, I really want to pause for a second. Because the truth is, I didn't know how to do this. I didn't know how to push myself. I was the human example that was the opposite of motivation. I don't even know what that word is. All I knew is that nobody was coming.

9:26That nobody was going to ride in on their white horse and fix his situation. That nobody was going to pay my bills. Nobody was going to fix the restaurants. Nobody was going to force me to look for a job. That as much as I wanted and wish that somebody would fix my life, that it was my responsibility to do it. And that I had to figure out how to push myself. And that's the second takeaway from this episode. No one's coming. No one's coming to do the work for you. All those things that you want in your life, all the dreams that you have there, your responsibility. And the only thing that has been missing is this hack that I'm about to teach you. You have made the same mistake that I made, which is waiting and hoping I would wake up one morning and feel courageous and motivated enough to do the things I needed to do. And so when you embrace the idea that motivations garbage and no one is coming, and it's your responsibility and you are capable of doing this,

10:27that's going to change your life. So let's go back to the question that I get from everybody, which is, I get it now, I get it, but how? How do you push yourself when you don't feel like it? That's the million dollar question. So let's go back. Let's go back to the story in 2008, because that Tuesday morning, in February outside of Boston, Massachusetts, that's where I learned the secret to hacking motivation. This is going to change everything. So that morning, the alarm went off, and I'm going to unpack this very slowly, because I really want you to pay attention, because this is the secret to everything. And this simple rule and tool that you're about to learn also embodies decades of neurological and psychological research, which I will also unpack for you. And so the alarm goes off,

11:29and all of a sudden I noticed this five-second window of time where you hesitate and you think about what you need to do, instead of doing what you need to do. It's unmistakable when you see this moment of hesitation. It's a habit. We all have it. The alarm goes off, and I immediately remember the rocket launch, and I remember that declaration that I had made the night before. I'm going to launch myself out of bed, like NASA launches a rocket. And instead of doing it, I started thinking about doing it. And as soon as you start thinking about doing something, you open this window of time, I call it the five-second moment of hesitation, and inside of that moment, we start to think. And that morning in 2008,

12:29I started thinking, oh, I don't want to launch myself out of bed. It's cold. It's dark. I don't feel like at this bed is so warm. How the hell is this going to help anything anyway? I don't want to. And inside, all of that thinking is where the anxiety and the excuses and the depression and the overwhelm where it all starts to spend. And I could feel my hand reaching for this news button, because it had become a habit to wake up and think about getting out of bed, and instead hit the snooze button and delay what I needed to do, numb all the thoughts. And as I'm reaching for the snooze button, I don't know what came over me. But that morning, for whatever reason, I just started counting backwards. The same way the NASA does. Five, four, three, two, one. And then I stood up and I was like,

13:29whoa, that's weird. And I went out with my day. And then the next morning, the alarm went off. And I remembered the rocket launch. And immediately I started thinking about doing it instead of doing it. And again, the excuses roll in. And again, feel myself reaching for the snooze button. And I got backwards. Five, four, three, two, one. And I stand up. Weird. The third morning is when it really kicked in for me. Because I heard the alarm go off. I remembered the rocket launch thing. I started thinking about it. I don't want to. It's dark who cares. I count backwards. Five, four, three, two, one. And I stand up. And I want to stop here for a second and explain a little bit of the research. So researchers, psychologists, neuroscientists, explain this five-second window this way. There are two types of people. There are people that have a bias toward thinking, which is the habit of hesitating

14:30and thinking about what you need to do, instead of doing what you need to do. And then there are people that have a bias toward action, which is having the habit of being able to push yourself to take action regardless of how you feel. This five-second countdown, five, four, three, two, one, helps you move from being a person that has a bias toward thinking and become a person that has a bias toward action. So that third morning, I sort of, you know, said to myself, okay, so, because, you know, I'm cynical. You're going to get to know me. I'm a lawyer by education and I'm somebody that's like really analytical. And so I tend to also be really cynical. And so, you know, I'm standing there in my bedroom and I'm like, okay, great. You just created something irritating, Mel, that helps you get out of that. How the hell is this going to help? And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

15:31You're going to lose everything you care about. You're marriages on the rocks. Your family will be torn apart. You're going to lose this house woman. Why not just try to say, why not for one day, any moment today, where you know exactly what you should or could do. But you don't feel like it. Just count backwards. I mean, what the hell? It's not like it's going to make it worse. What if it made a better? So I walk out into the kitchen and my husband, Chris, is standing in front of the fridge. And you know how that thing happens where you see somebody you love and you just want to kill them. You know what happens? Well, support Chris is standing there, mining his own business, probably trying to get out of the house fast before, you know, his bitchy wife wakes up and starts screaming at him. And I see him and I'm like, but here's the thing. I didn't want to kill him. I love him. I just was so on edge and stressed out

16:33and it's so much easier to be angry and frustrated than it is to be afraid. But in that moment, I counted silently to myself five, four, three, two, one and something strange happened like I could feel the pressure and agitation in my body release. And I was able to take a breath and speak to the man from a place of my values instead of screaming at him, which I had been doing for six months. I see my sneakers. I know I need to exercise but who the hell wants to exercise in February outside of five, four, three, two, one? I'm out the door. I see the phone. I don't know about you, but I hate people. I hate networking. I hate five, four, three, two, one. I'm picking up the phone. And five, four, three, two, one. I'm picking up again. And I'm calling friends. And I'm telling people the truth. I need a job. I got laid off. Chris and I are in financial trouble. Like, I need help here. I pick up the phone again. I call my parents. And slowly but surely, I am taking the actions that change your life. And look,

17:33it doesn't work overnight. It works over time. And that's important because true change builds over time. Quick fixes don't stick. If you want to change anything, you got to be in it. And you got to repeat it. And that's one of the other things that I love about this countdown technique that I started calling the five-second rule. You have five seconds to move. You have five seconds to push yourself to take action. And if you don't move in that five-second window, your brain will contaminate your motivation to act. Using this countdown technique, five, four, three, two, one, in moments where you feel yourself hesitate or you feel the fear coming out or you feel yourself talking yourself out of it or you feel the self-doubt or the fear kicking it. When you start counting backwards, the decision to count backwards means you're making a decision to move.

18:33You're making a decision to move before you feel like it. You're making a decision to summon your courage, your confidence, your desire for something more than the place you're in right now. The counting backwards also works because counting requires focus. Now, I didn't know why it worked then. Okay? And my husband started using it. Five, four, three, two, one. Took it into business. They started talking to landlords and renegotiating leases. Five, four, three, two, one. And they're facing the issues in their business head on and talking to investors about, let's going on, five, four, three, two, one. They're restructuring the P&L and they're having to lay off people that they love, hardest thing in the world to do as a business owner. And so step by step, decision by decision. Using this five-second rule and the countdown technique, my husband and I were able to make the decisions

19:34and take the actions that aligned with where we wanted our lives to go, instead of waiting around to feel ready to do it. We were able to push ourselves five, four, three, two, one. To take action, to get where we wanted to go, instead of sitting where we were, hoping motivation would show up. That's why this thing works. And, you know, here's the truth. I never intended to tell anybody about this thing because first of all, it sounds kind of stupid. Okay, wait a minute about it. You're telling me, if I just count backwards, my life is going to change, that sounds kind of dumb. The other reason why I didn't tell anybody about this little five-second rule thing is because I had no idea why it worked. I just knew it worked. I didn't know if I had tapped into something like ancestral witchery and this was some magic spell. I didn't know if God was just giving me this little gift. I just figured this was this secret thing that came out of the sky in a moment of desperation

20:35and Chris and I would use this and it would be our little thing. So, for three years, that's what it was. Chris and I used the five-second rule and secret to push ourselves, to take the actions that changed our lives. Well, that little secret. It all changed because the world found out about it. And what happened next still was my life. I was having a conversation. I want this to be deeply connected to what's going on in my life. And so, that's what I'm going to do. And I'm going to be sharing the relatable ups and downs as they happen in my family, and in my business, and in my head. And I'm going to give you the takeaways, and the breakdowns, and the secrets as I'm unpacking them, and learning them, and discovering them. Because here's the deal. I am committed to supporting you and I hope you will support me as we both go after our dreams, and we both try to improve our lives. Now, I know that there are a ton of new folks

21:36listening to this podcast. And so, I really wanted to just take a moment before we jump into the topic and say, welcome. And I also wanted to introduce myself to those of you, maybe hearing my voice for the first time. Now, between you and me, I hate it when somebody asks me, so what are you doing for a living? Because the truth is, I've done a lot, especially in the past 10 years, as my husband and I have clawed our way out of bankruptcy, and one by one teed up and faced the problems in our lives, and addressed them. And as I've done the work to build a business and the following that you see today. But when I start to explain my background or list off accomplishments, I just feel really self-conscious, because the fact is, I don't think about myself as someone who's done all these things. I'm just focused on sharing what I'm learning and helping people. And I just figured that, boy, now that I'm on the other side of so many issues I struggled with, if I can save you the headache and the heartache

22:36that I caused myself, because I just didn't know any better, that is so fulfilling. And that's what motivates me. So, you know, I was sitting here going, okay, I've got to introduce myself. How do I do this in a really fun way? How do I make this entertaining? How do I give you an insight to who I really am? And I thought, oh, I got a great idea. What if I asked our 17-year-old teenage son of three robins if he would come on and tell you what he tells people when they say, what did your mom do? Now, when I first asked him about this, he was like, no, there's no what? I'm not introducing. You have somebody else introduced you. I'm like, and I talked to him. I explained why it would really support me and it would really help me. And so, he asked, he's not that happy about this. I have no idea what he's going to say. There's not a script in front of him. And so, everybody, please welcome Oakley Robbins.

23:39Okay. I was asked to introduce my mom. I don't like introducing myself for my mom. So, I just got a jump right into it. Okay, go. So, let me tell you about my mom, guys. She's the most successful female motivational speaker in the world. It's pretty big. But not as big as the fact that she was on CNN for four years. Why was that a big deal? Because it's CNN. I know, but how old were you? Nine. How did you even know what that was? Because it's a popular news broadcasting agency. I don't know. Not important. It is important. She's a self-published book author. She wrote two books. The five-second rule. And the high five habit. Boom. She has six audio books because the audible loves her. I love her. She is a YouTube channel right there. Millions subs. That's big. But on a more important note, people do stop you to say, like, Mal, you've changed my life in this way and this way. And it's really cool. She's an awesome person and the best mom I can ask for.

24:40And when I want to chill, I tell you go to dad. Because he's literally the chill scabber. But when I literally need anything, I go to this person right here. That's true. Like when you called me at midnight on Saturday. Oh, no. No. You can't. You can't say that. You can't say that. Okay. It's worth it. All right. We're going to end her right there. Everybody, ladies and gentlemen. Okay, Robins. Okay. I got a lot of gas to go. Get out of you. Okay. I'm not. Bye. Okay. Well, that didn't go the way I thought it would. But it was definitely way more fun than listening to me. And I was just a little bit nervous, right? But so far, nothing has gone according to plan with episode one. I have recorded this about 17 different times. I thought I was going to be in some kind of fancy studio. And obviously I'm now at pillow fort. And I learned the hard way that it shouldn't be at a fancy studio. Because this isn't a show. That's not my intention here.

25:41I want to have a conversation with you. I want this to feel like you're talking to a friend. I want this to be a back and forth and you know what I love about sitting here on the floor in my room I kind of feel like you're sitting across from me that we're just having a cup of coffee or hanging out and we're talking about life and so today here's what I want to talk to you about I want to talk to you about three simple steps that you can take to create powerful changes in your life and I'm talking really big changes yes the steps are simple but simple over time creates amazing results and simple is important because if it's simple you can do it as I already said these are the three steps that led me to watching this podcast they're the three steps that I use to help me start working on my marriage and making my mental house stronger there are also the three steps that help me make the move from a very busy and stressful life outside of Austin, Massachusetts where my husband, Chris and I had raised our family for the last 26 years and make a major move

26:44and a major change to a simpler lifestyle by moving to a tiny town in Southern Vermont now using these three steps I not only changed my life I reinvented every aspect of my life over the past two years and today I'm going to share those steps with you I'm going to tell you the whole story and I want to help you I want to inspire and empower you to make the changes that you have been thinking about as you go about your day-to-day life you know speaking of life I think about life as one long road trip your past right now is behind you it's in the rear view mirror and the future it's right out that windshield that's why the windshield is bigger than the rear view mirror because we're not going backwards people we're not doing that to ourselves we are going ahead and you know what's in front of you on open road every single birthday I believe is a mile marker on this road trip called life it's a chance to pull over for a second and think about the open road ahead where do you want to go next how fast you want to go how slow who do

27:50you want to have in the car with you there's endless metaphors around this and it helps me think about this major topic of reinvention and change now I love birthdays I'm sure you do too and I love them for so many reasons because every time you're celebrating a birthday I mean think about what you're actually celebrating we're celebrating the fact that you're still here we're celebrating your existence that you're breathing that you're alive how cool is that and you don't want to know what else we're celebrating when we celebrate your birthday we're celebrating the possibility and magic that your life and the future and that next year holds for you now there's one part of celebrating a birthday that I want you to really think about okay you know that moment when the cake comes out your mom or your dad your spouse or your friends or the waiter they bring out that cake and the candles are burning on top and everyone starts singing happy birthday to you

28:51and then they put the cake down you look at the candles you close your eyes and you make a wish and for just a moment time stops and you ever notice that as that cake gets closer to you and you start going inside and thinking about the wish that you're gonna make you don't even hear anybody singing anymore you hear something inside yourself you hear something deep from within you close your eyes you grab that wish and you blow out those candles as if it's going to magically make that wish come true and when you open your eyes you're present to the wish you feel excited for the year and you can almost see all the new possibility that you could tap into in the year ahead while researchers have a name for this exact moment it's called the fresh start effect

29:58when you make that birthday wish you break from your past self and this transformational window of time opens up you think bigger you feel hopeful and inspired and there's some incredibly interesting research that explains why these moments are so powerful i'm looking right now at a study from the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania where they've studied the intrinsic motivational power of this fresh start effect researcher study moments in our life where we feel motivated to make big changes and birthdays are an example of that it's as if a birthday hands you a blank slate a clean page a fresh start and a whole new year and this feeling inside you ignites an intrinsic motivational aspirational force that's hardwired within you it's this power to change now you've experienced this fresh start effect in other times in your life too just think about

30:59the new year January 1st hello fresh start effect now January 1st is one of those moments where all of a sudden last year ends bone slam the door on that year and something new opens up a whole new you a clean slate an open road this is why by the way so many people started to die on January 1st hello male robins so many people go to the gym for the first time on January 1st it gives them a natural mental starting line to cross on a new leg of the journey called life how cool is that you also experience this fresh start motivation with every new semester in school the start of a new sports season you feel like this could be our year right that's the fresh start effect the birth of a child a breakup a wedding a death these are all moments in time where something ends and something else begins and it's not only happening in the physical space it's happening in the psychological and spiritual space that's why so much stirs inside you according to the research

32:04I just realized you know this fresh start effect this is probably why I am addicted to buying new journals every time I get a new journal I crack it open and I literally feel like a new mouth is about to pour out on all those open empty pages this phenomenon is so powerful that researchers have even created a label to describe anything that triggers that fresh start motivation that stirs inside you like your birthday January 1st that new journal these things are called temporal landmarks now let me explain what a temporal landmark is a temporal landmark is a date for an experience or a physical thing that marks the passing of time your birthday is the exact same thing it's another year another mile on the road of your life and this creates all kinds of impossibilities about the stretch of open road ahead of break a bridge of course now that's a major temporal landmark because it not only marks time it also impacts your identity your life as

33:09a couple before and now your life as you after the breakup the event whether it's January 1 the first of the month of monday the end of a fiscal year or making a wish on your birthday creates a break from the past you the things that you feel are imperfect about you or your life and the things that you judge yourself for when you stop judging yourself and you stop focusing on what you think is wrong with your life you open up the floodgates to what might be so let's go back to that moment when you make a wish on your birthday as soon as you see that cape coming with those candles burning you go in you stop hearing everyone singing you close your eyes why because mentally a new accounting period is opening up you stop caring about the song and the people around you and what's happening outside of you you tune into what you're feeling on

34:12the inside in your heart and your soul what you dream about that thing that's calling from your deep inside that normally you can't hear because you're so focused on all the stupid stuff that we all obsess about no one even has to tell you to close your eyes you see that cape coming you know that you can make a wish you just do it naturally and when you go inward you're disrupting the circuitry of your old thinking your old judgments and your past habits for just a moment you're escaping the old you and then you make the wish a wish for what could be a wish for what will happen this year in the next year of your life and the same thing happens when you sit down at the end of the year and you create resolutions not the one you share with people at a party i'm talking about the real ones that you're right down in your journal and here's another one you know that moment after a really painful breakup this one takes a little bit of time

35:19because you basically need to cry and feel bad about yourself for about a month or two you know and then one morning you wake up and you realize oh my god i'm happy that's over i'm better off single and you let go of the relationship and the version of you who was holding onto it for so long and more importantly in that moment of acceptance you stop judging yourself and you realize you'll be okay no you'll be more than okay you're gonna be great because of this and then you start to do the work to create a better life these temporal landmarks are a big psychological deal because something really profound happens inside of you for a second you snap out of all the stressful bullshit that's going on and there are relentless self criticism and you have this mental freedom this temporary break from your normal negative thinking and you allow yourself to consider

36:21the bigger picture you allow yourself to envision the future you you tap into your deepest hopes your wildest dreams and your most exciting aspirations you see a vision for a better life you see that yes you deserve to be happy and that's exactly what i want you and i do experience today on episode one of the Melbourne's podcast let's hold each other's hand and sit side by side and imagine what might be possible in the next year of our lives if we let go of the past and we hold on to our dreams that's the invitation i'm giving to you