Lecture - Dealing with Family Problems | Mufti Menk

0:00Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh May the peace and blessings be upon all of you Of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala Bismillahi r-Rahman r-Rahim in the name of Allah the Most Gracious The Most Merciful All praise is due to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala Blessings and salutations upon Muhammad Salallahu wa sallam His household, his companions May Allah bless them and every one of us I mean My brothers, my sisters Dealing with family problems If you have a mindset from the very beginning Of navigating through issues that will occur Within your family units Then you would be able to deal with them in a better way But if from the very beginning you're not empowered Regarding some of what has come in the or Aren't to begin with and then in the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad Salallahu alayhi wa sallam You won't be able to deal with these things when they come

1:02And you won't see the signs of warning That are coming in your direction So let's spend a little bit of time today Looking at how to deal with family problems I want to start off by going right to the beginning When you were born There were two things Parents and children Most cases In some cases parents have passed on Sometimes the mother has passed away at childbirth The child survives And those are cases that are not as common as The normal children parent relationships But primarily it's a gift of Allah And at the same time it's a test It's a gift of Allah for you to have had those Who looked after you when you were little Gift of Allah They changed your nappies, they gave you a name They gave you an identity in that sense In the sense that they gave you a name They called you something They took care of you, they played with you in most cases You know that time of childhood is so important for us to empower the children

2:08And say good words to them, speak to them, educate them Teach them about Allah and how to get to Allah Because primarily the first thing you have to do as parents is While looking after your children You need to teach them about the deen and the dunya Meaning the religion as well as the worldly life out there They need to know their maker and they need to know how to live on earth So that is a test of Allah It's a responsibility that's placed on our shoulders Those who are parents May Allah bless those who don't have children with children So the blessing is that the kids have children Sorry the kids have parents who can look after them And the parents have children who they can play with or they call my child Although you need to know the child belongs to Allah Allah has just loaned you the child for a period of time That's the gift of Allah Subhanallah

3:08Test as well, like I said I hope you've understood the difference between the two How you address the child is definitely a test You swear your child you will pay a price In the eyes of Allah, you must empower the child with loving words, encouraging words Did you know that when you tell your child you are stupid, you are ugly, you are a failure You keep on repeating that they begin to believe that And the opposite is true when you tell them you're beautiful, you're successful You can do it, you're amazing And I love you so much, they begin to believe that And they are empowered and more confident, check it out You can see it So my brothers, my sisters, something amazing Is that a child is more like an empty vessel at the beginning And you feel that vessel with a lot of things Let them be good things The way you speak, the way you interact, the way you care for the child All has an impact in building the family unit to begin with

4:10You didn't have time for your child, you never were there for the child Listening to the issues, the problems communicating, developing a friendship As well as a relationship with your own children You would never be able to guarantee their beautiful upbringing You need to make good decisions regarding these children But still, when you've made brilliant decisions, you brought them up You've spoken, you've been very fair, you know, in the case of divorce And in the case of where someone has passed away A lot of the times there is a battle, there is push and shove People want to take the kids and prove a point Without looking at what is best for the children They want to be arrogant by trying to prove a point To the other spouse that I'm going to fix you, perhaps You're not going to see these kids Well, Allah, those kids grow up with the parental deficit That plays out later on in their lives in different ways Don't do that, it's your test You destroy the fabric of the family unit, completely

5:13In a very bad way, because divorce is permissible But the games that we play thereafter are haram May Allah help us, we should not play games with the lives of the children Not at all And vice versa, whatever the rights are, we fulfill in the most beautiful way We should help and encourage the child to visit That child's other parent You don't need to say nasty things When you have a problem in the family and you've broken up completely And you've divorced totally, you don't need to involve your children in it in a way that You start telling them about negative things about their own parent How do you think they will grow up? No matter what happens, say a few positive things, encourage them to have a relationship Unless they were total abusers And unless it is really and truly feared That these children will suffer a consequence of developing a relationship with that person Because of the criminal behavior of the person, then it's an exception

6:16May Allah grant us goodness Even if you've given your child the best of upbringing One thing you need to know is things could go wrong later on How? Because shaytan and external factors Give you the example of the first family problem that we know about from Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala As he mentioned in the Quran Is the story of herbil and kabil The children of Adam and Hawa may peace and blessings be upon them Habil in the English language known as Abel And kabil known as Kain They were brothers, they became jealous One became jealous of the other because Allah favoured one A little bit more than the other What was that favor? Well, a few things are mentioned to mention one Allah says in the Quran If qarrabah qurbanan Fatu kubbilan min a'hadi hima wa lam-mu'ta qabbal min al-akhar

7:18Qahla l-a'kul tulanak When they both sacrificed for Allah and one was accepted and the other was not accepted The one whose sacrifice was not accepted pointed at the other and said I'm going to kill you Oh, Allah wa akbar Does that mean Adam alayhi salam didn't bring them up well? No, he brought them up very well But it means shaitan tampered with the mind External factors came into play and this child became jealous of the other Jealousy is dangerous The Prophet's Rasulam says it will eat up your good deeds In the same way that fire consumes dry log In al-Hassada ya'kulu al-Hassanat Kamat akulu narul hatab be careful Don't allow your heart to be overtaken by jealousy Allah is the giver Allah distributes He'll give some more wealth than others He'll give some better homes than others He'll elevate some in knowledge more than others

8:20He'll give some more power than others He'll give something greater than others Don't be jealous, it's the choice of Allah Allah says we are the ones who have distributed their livelihoods for them in this world And we raised some above the others So may Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala protect us as believers So that we learn a lesson They became jealous of one another, one promised to kill the other This shows that extreme jealousy might lead brothers to hurt each other Well in this case the one says look if you're going to harm me I'm not going to harm you, I fear Allah So imagine the mindset This brother is saying I'm going to harm you The other one's mindset is such that no no no no you are my brother You are my brother, I love you Even if you want to harm me I'm not going to harm you In fact the verse continues to say

9:21If you're stretching your hand to harm me I'm not going to stretch my hand to harm you Because I fear Allah, Lord of the worlds Now which mindset is more correct? The one who is prepared to overlook the one who's prepared to make peace Or the one who wants to go to war Obviously the one who's prepared to make peace And what was the matter all about? Whose fault was it? It was not Abels fault, it was Keynes fault He is the one who threatened And guess what? He executed the threat He killed his brother He regretted it thereafter So regret comes when there is unchecked jealousy against someone And here we're talking of family members If you don't deal with this problem quickly And you don't resolve the matter and talk and think And related to Allah and the teachings of the messenger Salallahu alayhi wa sallam You are going to regret For us Bahamine and Dimeen

10:22He became from among those who regretted And in the verse Minal Khasirin from the losers He lost and he regretted too late Too late His life changed thereafter He was now a criminal He had to lead a different type of a life after that And those details we won't go into right now But we pay sometimes when we have unchecked hatred Now how does hatred come about in family members I've already made mention of wealth and perhaps elevation of status, knowledge, looks Sometimes a better spouse, better children, a better home, a better this and that It's okay, Allah gives each one a package It's a test from Allah Not everyone who has a better home is actually a better person Not everyone who has more authority is actually higher in status in the eyes of Allah Sometimes the one who has no authority whatsoever is the highest in status maybe In the eyes of Allah because of their worship and their closeness to Allah in relation

11:25In Akramakum, in Dallahi Atkakum The closest to Allah in honor are those who are the best in relationship with Allah Amazing So these problems need a mindset to be able to assist in navigating through them It is not that you won't have problems You will all face family problems at some point Difficulty, hardship, misunderstanding You know what, you have to have a big heart You have to overlook, you have to be able and not like came to say Let's not fight, it's okay In this particular case, it wasn't something he could give his brother because it was from Allah But he tried, didn't he? Who was the winner? He was, the one who was martyred was the winner Let me give you another example of a family problem mentioned in the Quran as well And it's all to do with a mindset

12:26Again jealousy, the brothers of the Prophet, use of Joseph may peace be upon him They became jealous of him when he was little Just because the father, they thought was closer to the brother than them So they started saying, well let's kill him Again killing, all the way up to killing Children of a Prophet wanting to kill each other Or wanting to kill one of them Out of jealousy of a relationship between the child and the father This teaches us a lot In order to avoid family problems, we must be fair with our children, boys and girls We must be fair, we must empower them with good words Do you know if you keep telling your child negative words? They begin to believe those negative words In fact, it happens with everyone If someone keeps telling you you're stupid, you're a failure, you're thick, you're ugly, you're fat You begin at some point to believe these things Be careful, don't ruin the minds of people Especially your children and even the children of others

13:28You're a schoolteacher or you're a parent or whoever you may be Say good words, don't say you're a bat and you're a this Those are dangerous terminologies that are written against your name Payable in this world as well as in the hereafter Repent from those Say good words You're lovely, you're beautiful You can do it, you will be able to do it Subhanallah Those are empowering words They begin to believe I can do it, I will do it, I'm beautiful The confidence levels are developed They will be able to resolve not just family problems But problems of the Ummah, the community and the nation and the globe Because you as a parent or an adult Empowered them to believe in themselves by the help of Allah And that's why I look at the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam He used to address the children with respect on them Give them the empowering words that helped make them beautiful sahaba

14:33Over time They became companions of note The little ones at that time, Abdullahi bil Mas'ud Radya Allahu an Huma Abdullahi bil Abbas Radya Allahu an Huma Those were little children And you know what? They were empowered because of the way the Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam spoke to them Coming back to the family unit, let's speak to each other with respect Don't allow your wealth to come in the way of your brothers and sisters, the siblings Don't let the wealth break your relationship Someone has more, someone has less, it's okay It's okay, they don't owe it to you And you shouldn't be jealous of them, but help each other Allah speaks about helping family before anyone else For art is al-Qurba haqqahu Well, miskin al-Hobna Sabil Before going to the miskin and the poor person and the waifera Allah starts off by relatives Give your relatives the due when you have wealth and you witness your siblings not doing too well

15:34Help them, give them allow will give you Empower them in a good way And don't let your women or your spouses come in the way of that relationship What that means is sometimes you have a spouse So both ways it could be the women or the men They say it happens more with the women They become jealous of what you have done for your brothers and sisters When she's not a member of the immediate family She came in and was introduced later But it happens, it can happen Like I say it's not only women, but they say it's more so Whatever it might be It's a lesson that we need to learn Don't get emotional about what we're saying It's a fact, it's just a lesson Don't allow a spouse of yours to come in and break a relationship with the rest of your family It's not good enough Yes, unless there is something toxic that has happened There was a rape, there was abuse

16:34There was for example a great crime that was committed against someone There was some form of negativity There was unacceptable In that case you may want to withdraw a little bit Depending on what exactly it is Family units are given so much of importance by Allah that Allah says Even if they're not Muslim you must fulfill their rights Bilma Aruf In the best possible way that is acceptable Fulfill their rights And Allah Almighty will open your doors So we must have this mindset If Allah is saying that be kind to your parents And if they're not Muslim and asking you to do something wrong Then you excuse yourself from that But still be good to them Although they're not Muslim Imagine how much of importance Allah gives this family unit Have that mindset in many countries So many people who are revered to Islam So many people whose parents might be Someful in their own way It doesn't mean you don't fulfill their rights But you don't follow the sin

17:36And you don't obey a wrong instruction Subhanallah So don't allow your wealth to divide you Because sometimes people have money and they become hoti Sometimes people become jealous of each other like I said And you need to train yourself not to be jealous When you're jealous the Hadith says It eats away at your good deeds Just like fire eats away at a dry log I tell you why Because you are questioning Allah's distribution We have distributed this sustenance between them in the world You have a problem with it Do you have a problem with it? Allah says I gave that one a million, I gave this one ten only I gave that one a billion and I gave this one a thousand only That's up to Allah Work hard, enjoy what you have Thank Allah, continue in this world And Allah will grant you Don't be jealous of each other

18:36Don't break a family, work hard to build a family unit So like I said, you need to have a big heart to be able to get along with the extended family You need to be able to sacrifice in order to be able to get along with the extended family And there are a lot of benefits of the sacrifice that is made in order to try your best to be together A lot of benefit, actually you see it later, especially in your children They grow up, they have cousins, they have this, they have relatives, they have family members, they have grandpa, grandma On either side, in most cases In many cases actually You are fortunate You know those who have grown up in an extended family want to detach And those who have been detached and been alone want to join an extended family How ironic, look at man, he is never happy A person living alone all their lives, they say, I wish I had a family And you have someone who has had a family, I wish I was all on my own Man, what do you want to make up your mind?

19:37Either way, but Allah says when you are together, it is better for you So much so that community also, Allah tells us through the blessed lips of Muhammad al-Ala Salam The one who mixes with people and bears patience upon their negativity Is better than the one who doesn't mix with them and doesn't have to bear any patience Upon their negativity That doesn't mean that you are not allowed to withdraw When it is toxic, you can withdraw When it is harming your mental well-being, you can withdraw You can and also it is your right When you get married for example, it is the right of your spouse or the right of your wife Or you as a nuclear, a new family To have a separate quarters without interference of the family members When you live a little bit separately, you will be able to fulfil each other's rights in a better way People say, well you know what, I need to look after my mum and dad So I am going to be living right here on my own

20:38I can't comment on that for everyone with one comment Because it depends on where you live, your circumstances, the type of community you are in, which society and so on But as time is progressing, the rule of Islam and the law that has been laid to say that a woman is entitled her separate quarters Not necessarily far away, but a separate quarters That is understood because I have found over time in this day and age that when you are a slight distance there is greater love I can serve my parents better from living half a minute away, a minute away or next door or somewhere very near I can serve them better, you know, I can perhaps serve them meals, I can help them, I can clean up for them, a lot of other things Sometimes when I am living right in their faces, there is no appreciation And this is why I say, if you want to live together, you have to have a big heart, you have to appreciate each other

21:40You have to acknowledge, don't make life difficult, don't be demanding and don't be unfair Unfair means when you delegate all of the work to one person and you think that person is a slave of the home, there will be a war There will be a disaster, have a mindset of being fair You do the work, I will do the work, we will share the work, we make sure it's fair and we rotate it So that everyone knows, we will do this, Mashallah, we want to live in a big family unit while everyone has to pick up And everyone has to work hard, everyone has to share the chores You can't have one person doing everything for everyone all the time and just because he or she happens to be a son-in-law or a daughter-in-law Whatever it may be, that they are conscripted to do this every day, no they will get fed up, it's torture, it is torture, I promise you So share the work, make sure that it's done properly and you will be able to live correctly You know the Quran gives a lot of importance to being fair and just, even when it's not family

22:44Imagine, the same Quran is telling you when your father is wrong, when your mother is wrong, your parents are wrong You must make sure you stood firm for justice against them, many people don't like that It's an injunction, it's in the Quran, someone says, well that's my mother, that's my father, I can't say anything Allah says, you stand up firm for what is right, whether it is against yourself, your parents or your relatives stand up for what's right, for what's just So sometimes the family unit is broken, simply because the mindset is such that I can't say anything to my parents, those are my parents Part of the respect of the parents, people wrongly think is to cheer them on when they are wrong Your parents are human beings, lovely people in Sharla but they need to be corrected at times, someone needs to do it You cannot just think that out of respect of my parents, I'm going to just keep quiet

23:45You can't say that, they were wrong, Al Amrubil Mahruf, Iwan Nahi Anil Munkar, to encourage that which is right and to stop that which is bad Starts at home, with your own family members, your children, your spouses, your parents, your relatives, your uncles and aunts When Allah sent Muhammad Salah Salam, he was sent in order to remind Quraysh to begin with and his family members to start with Andir Aashirataka al-Aqrabin, Allah says, won't first your family members, those who are close to you So remember that there are so many family problems that we do have, you know We need to navigate through them, financial problems that people are facing today are such that because of COVID and because of many other things people have lost jobs and so much more Let's help each other, like I said earlier, but let's not be extravagant, have a mindset of contentment with a little

24:46Say for a rainy day, you must budget, you must downgrade your life if needed, don't overspend, have a saving, have a little investment that would be over and above your income And inshaAllah things will improve You need to thank Allah and obey Allah When you have thanked Allah Almighty and when you have obeyed Allah Almighty He grants you Baraka in your sustenance may Allah forgive us Seek a lot of forgiveness because that will bring about goodness in your wealth May Allah forgive all of us, we are sinful human beings but we try And we will seek the forgiveness of Allah and He still gives us the Baraka and we are thankful for that You show gratitude through prayer, you show gratitude through obedience, you show gratitude through saying, O Allah I'm grateful for what you've done for me

25:46You know, people have health problems, we have COVID at the moment, we need to help each other, we need to be responsible Sometimes and I know of families where there was a dispute as to who gave who the COVID, no, we should take precautions And once the thing comes in, stop playing the blame game, that's okay, it's from Allah, it has happened Prior to it happening make sure that you've taken your precautions, you've done your best, you talk about it and be considerate of others Be considerate of other family members You know, sometimes when I travel with a group of people I always tell myself, when you're traveling with a group you need to be very, very patient Because you need to wait for the slowest coach, which means the last person and you need to make sure everyone is conscious of the other Don't waste too much of time, try and consider everyone else, imagine if we are all considering each other, we'll have a beautiful holiday or a beautiful trip But I've been on trips where you've got to wait for that one person who is irritating everybody else, someone like me develops the courage to go to them and say, my uncle, how were you?

26:51Hope everything is fine, you know, if you speed up a little bit in inshallah it will help everybody else, that brings me to another point There is a way of talking to people, you don't just blabber what you want, there is a way of speaking to people So your family members also, don't scream, don't yell, don't swear, don't shout, don't abuse Well, Allah, that's how it should be See the difference it will make in your lives, stop all of that even if you've been doing it for years, stop it Allah will grant you the blessings that you need, your family unit, have a mindset of the obedience of Allah Have a mindset of saying clean, cut beautiful words, coulou, coulou, and saddida, that verse was read in most cases when the nikah was officiated, when the marriage was officiated How come we stopped speaking saddid, how come we stopped speaking those straight words, beautiful kind words filled with love and goodness, we stopped it And the reason why we stopped it is because we are no more conscious of what Allah has revealed

27:53So we have family problems and we have so many other issues, don't allow that to come in Speak good words, choose your words when you are talking to one another So my brothers and sisters, in this way we would be able to resolve matters, sit and talk, try again, give and take People say, I want to break this, don't just break things, first try and mend it because you might get into another situation that's worse than this one Life is not easy out there, marriages are built on great sacrifice, great sacrifice And you have your children, try your best to maintain that relationship because one of the biggest gifts you can give your children is to be able to get on with the other parent of the same children As best as you can, they are exceptions, you are allowed to break a marriage when it becomes toxic and it's affecting your mental well-being and at a certain point But not just for every small thing like what's happening nowadays, in fact you need to choose a spouse that will be good

28:59Sometimes families are broken because of the choice of a spouse And for this we need to give advice to both sides, the parents as well to say try and be a little bit more accommodating, be guiding from the very beginning Not just coming into the lives of your children last minute and trying to dictate the pace, where were you all along? And on the other side, the children, when you are choosing a spouse, make sure it's a person who your parents will be proud of Make sure it's a person who can be the best parent, the other parent, to your children The choice of a spouse shapes your future to a great degree by the will of Allah Your choice of a spouse will make you or break you, factor In most cases, I mean that's through Allah's permission So my brothers and sisters, I really ask Allah Almighty to grant us the ability to have the correct mindset when it comes to the family unit so that we can solve family problems

30:03And we get together, we should not tell the whole world about our problems They should be within us, we should try and resolve them amongst us And you don't have to talk about them to everyone else Have a big heart, give and take, it's okay, I'd love to say, I'm sorry, when I'm not wrong I'd love to say, it's okay, here's the money, when I know I don't owe it And it's okay, this is my family, so what? I'd love to say, let me be the first one to help, when I know there are others perhaps who might be more able than I am to assist But it's okay, that's what family is all about Charity definitely begins at home, Allah speaks about those who fulfill the rights of their family members and says those are the successful And then Allah speaks of those who cut relations without reason and says those are the failures Those are the ones who are being warned of a punishment Because you cut something Allah asked you not to cut Allah says don't cut relations if you're not supposed to cut contacts with a fellow believer for more than three days

31:08What about your family members? Obviously without reason, if there is valid reason it's okay, you can withdraw And also one last point I want to raise before I end is Sometimes we have functions like Eid and Happy Days and so on, family functions It is not absolutely necessary that everyone attends but we should all try and attend So if someone couldn't make it for some reason two, three guys couldn't make no problem, they couldn't make it is okay, oh we missed you That's all, you don't have to make such a big deal about it But at the same time everyone should be making an effort to try and attend, it's good for your children They grow up knowing their cousins and everyone else, they grow up knowing their extended families In fact, interest sometimes develops among some of them and you find one has suddenly found an interest in another They want to get married, it's within the extended family unit, that's a blessed marriage It's more blessed to have something closer to your understanding in marriage than to have someone far off in every single way

32:15And you're going to come together, you're going to be dealing with so much because there is a dramatic change in the lives of everyone You don't even speak each other's languages and your mindset is completely different, although Islam brings everyone closer May Allah Almighty help us all and grant us goodness and may Allah Almighty forgive our shortcomings These are a few words I thought of sharing with you on this beautiful occasion I pray that next time we are speaking, it will be more of a physical tour of lectures and something that we were accustomed to prior to the COVID And may Allah eradicate this disease for all of us Mud, sand, snow, the track, different surfaces, same truth Every ground is our proving ground, ready, set, forward

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