Late for appointment

0:00Hey, this is Troy Berry. How y'all doing out there today? I hope everybody is doing well if you're not doing well. Let's find a way to get where I look well and be well. Yes, I would be on my podcast doing several episodes right now, but I'm waiting for my advocate to get here. They told me they'd be here one o'clock and they are not here yet. They are already but and I relate and I'm just sitting here waiting and waiting. And I mean, they act like they're not important. I mean, they scheduled to meet up with you. And just because it's the first day of spring, they act like you're not important. Like you some robot or AI or whatever. But you know what I did call them and let them know where are you? You know, I'm a human being. Treat me as such. You know, I matter in life. That means that if you schedule appointment with me, I expect you to be here for the appointment. I mean, 10 minutes late or whatever is tops or whatever,

1:01because it might be traffic or whatever. But at that point in time, give me a call. Oh, I'm going to be a little bit late or whatever. And I'll find that most people in the world that set up appointments to meet up with people with problems, disabled problems or whatever kind of problems they have. They act like it's not important to get there on time. Or whatever. You're going to be, you know, sitting at the door waiting for them all the time, just because you're disabled, don't mean that you have a plan in your life. Like I said, I want to be on my pockets. I want to do exercises or something. I'm not going to do these things until they get here or whatever, because then at that point, they won't have my full attention. So, you know, and basically that's why I tell people, I'd rather see you in the morning when I know that you're ready to be at your best, the work or whatever. Coming to afternoon and evening and all that, that is lazy hours.

2:03That's somebody that don't want to get up in the morning to do their job. And coming in the afternoon, they can't even get here in the afternoon. So, what are they looking at? Coming in the middle of the night? It's not going to happen. So, I'll get back to y'all when this person decides to come in and see how it pans out, because life is life. And I matter in life, and they should treat me as such. Not like, well, I'll get there when I get there, you know. And that's how they treat it. Like, I set up the appointment for one. But, you know, maybe I'll go shopping. Maybe I'll do this. So, maybe I'll talk to my friends or whatever. And then, I'll come and see her, you know, or him or whatever. But, I mean, it's life. And people should not be treated like that. I mean, if I knew who the call and reference to this, I would. But they act like, you're not nobody.

3:03And they just show up when they feel like it. Yeah, because I don't have a way too long. And what do you say you're going to dance in your car? That's what you know that's a poor excuse, right? No, no, no. That's not relating to, like, me being late, though. But that would have taken me just five minutes, anyway. No, no. Or less. I'm not a teenager. Consider it. Call me. I don't want to be late, or whatever. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Everybody, she's not a human. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. No, no. No, it's not. I wasn't thinking that. Thank you. I'm sorry that I sat down before I even asked you if I could sit. Can I have a good thing? No, you can't sit down. I can't sit down. I can't sit down. No, you can't sit down. No, you can't sit down. No, you can't sit down. No, you can't sit down. Thank you. Hello. It's my son, right? It's my peer-giver. Okay. Right, okay. Nice to meet you. I saw some people walking outside. I thought those were your legs. No.

4:03My daughter and her fiancee. Okay. All right. So you went to get jazz, huh? I have to think, oh, there's a y-y-y. I saw a y-y-y up here. So when I'm done, I'm just gonna grab some. It's stuff on the back of that, too. Okay. So was this what you got from your last doctor's appointment? I did print everything from 21 to 9. Okay. Everything to do. That's your copy. Okay. I'm gonna keep this one. Mm-hmm. Thank you. So I do have some things that you're gonna sign when we're done. This is, wow. Awesome. Yeah. That's me in the nutshell. You know, I live today, tomorrow, and the next day. And my son, he'll tell you. I talk to my children about every thing. So in his mind, I talk a lot of riddles.

5:06But I understand the riddles because he's intelligent. He's mentally gifted. And if he didn't get the riddles, he wouldn't be as challenging as he is today. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Wow. It's amazing. I have three children. Two of them are mentally gifted. One is disabled. One is disabled. But if you look at her, you would never know that she's disabled because I never treated her as a disabled. I treated her like I treated my son and my daughter. So her learning life, she learns as they learn. When she was in her classroom, I asked her to put her in life skills, too. So when she said we're her friends, that's disabled like her. They say that they wasn't that disabled class, but the teacher didn't come over to them to ask them things.

6:06They just said they were like, they was nothing. And then my daughter would have a lot to say about that because she learned different things having a life skill class. You understand? Mm-hmm. So she's in programs that help her be a better her for when I'm not around. And, you know, I say to myself every day, you know, I'm happy with who I am because he went to college. My youngest went to college. And she was at a job for 10 years in her life and so COVID came around. You know, so my success comes by helping them and being myself. So I mean, if it's a rainy day, maybe a little bit of tears are falling but nobody's going to make those tears fall just because they have a bad day.

7:11I mean, your bad day is not going to break me down. I mean, that it has to be something that's happening in my world that make me break down. I mean, if you go to work and they cut you out of roasts, do you have work? Oh, wow. That's terrible. That's the all you're going to get out of that. These are going to make me go into a scenario where it's all, oh, come here. No, I don't have pity drink because when I was down here, my pity thing was suicide. It was deep, deeper than petting you on the back. You know, so my attention to suicide helped myself because I called. I called now more one for myself. Other people didn't call this for me. That means that I saved myself. And like I tell you, Marge is my trigger month.

8:14I know what triggers me. You understand? So knowing is curing. So whatever happened that my dad hit birthday March 23rd, he also got shot in March by him and his best friend. He was dating the same Roman. And I was what, six or seven then. And so nobody never made me understand what's going on. But his best friend told him, this woman is in fear of me and your relationship. So you need to move on my front of her. I'm going to shoot both of you. And my dad, he did just that. He shot my dad and the girl. Both of them died. You know, close range bullets. And my grandma, I said, so what's happening with the guy?

9:14Oh, that was his best friend. So you don't get your best friend locked up or press charges for your best friend. Some of the best of us are accident. But it's not an accident. And if you ask somebody to move or you understand giving them a choice, that means you was in rage. That was in control. So in life, I have learned that what an accident to be, what a mistake can be. A mistake does not happen over and over. So you do that mistake, you apologize for that mistake. You do that same mistake tomorrow. It's something that you're going to live with the rest of you who like me, that you're going to continue doing it. And then it would be up to me to say, am I going to let this bring me down? Or I'm going to step over and say, it doesn't come nowhere close to me.

10:16You understand that? Yes. So I mean, that's amazing. That's me in a nutshell. And they say, when I'm on my podcast, they say, you talk for two hours. Like I let my daughter listen to me on my podcast and I went. And I did some things and came back and said, are you friends listening? You know, it ain't finished yet. And sometimes I don't even realize how long I talk. But when I put it on my podcast, I sit there and I listen to it. When I go to sleep, when I wake up. Like my husband said, why didn't he listen to you? Because I want to know what it is that I said about myself and to the rest of the world. So that when I hear it, I could not listen to it. I can understand it too. And I said, a lot of people in the world, they don't understand life.

11:17And life happens in an instance. You know, you don't need permission for life to happen. And that's when most people are waiting for it. They waiting for permission for the happen. But life starts, the minute you start breathing. And people don't understand that concept. That's what you have to learn to live with. Or you don't live at all. So I mean, here I am. I mean, this is better than asking these questions. I feel like I've learned so much. You can't express it to my son. He probably sitting here. She gave me her opportunity to talk. So this is me. Even if I was to go out with my family, and somebody asked me a question, I started talking. And they say to themselves,

12:17should I pull her away and save them? Or let her continue talking? And they would kind of let me continue talking because somebody would ask me the question. So what does your park has about something like that? And I tell them, and they go, you know, some people have a park has and they don't really understand what it's about, whatever. So me being me, I'm telling them what it's about, what it's for, not in competition with the other park has. Actually, I listen to other people, you know. And if I like them, I put them on my park has for other people that hear what they have to say. But the park has basically about me. It's about self-improvement. It's about depression. It's about being a sababra suicide. It's about letting my friends hear cancer. And people laugh at her, because she had to get all her hair cut off. And then somebody told her,

13:18I don't want to be friends with you, because I might catch cancer. So I'm like, how the world, the world, they all need to take over the world. And they say to me, why would you say that? I said, because if a person walks around and think they could catch cancer just by being next to somebody, or they could catch suicide from being with somebody, then they all need to take over the world so that you can learn that what you're saying is not real. You understand what I'm saying? So I tell people, don't put me on their bus to stupid. I want to stay on the bus that follows intelligence. They say we have choices anymore, but you can't sit next to me and catch suicide. It's something that has to be happening inside of your mind,

14:19and then you're like, put you in that scenario. People, their families and stuff. People say, oh, no, my family's good. They smile all the time and play all the time, whatever. But example, if you got a family of five, and before you all are sitting there playing monocle, and they're one, it's always sitting over there, sobbing on their phone or just sitting there asleep or minding their own business. I mean, they're not getting a new trouble at just sitting there. That's the one you're going to have to watch out for. I just want to try to kill myself because they have a family. The family don't involve them. The family don't talk to them. The family does so many things around this child and set discipline down. So when that child decides to look for attention,

15:19they decide let's discipline him. And so this child felt corrupt and wrong in the world because he's actually or she is looking for attention that he didn't get inside of the home. So when they push him outside of the home because he's bad news to them, he gets worse because what the family don't understand that if you can't get answers in your home, when you go out there, the world is different. Everybody personality is different. That mean when you take the shield off of that child and throw them out there, he has so many thoughts going in his head from other people which means that he's not going to be able to hold on to his own thoughts because his mind's going to be full with either somebody's bad thoughts, words thoughts, good thoughts, or whatever. And he's not going to be able to put it together

16:19because in his mind, this is going to be normal because this is how my family was. You know, and like, even with newborn children, you know, you're happy to have that child and you're holding it. It's a game changer and it really has to happen. I'm a stop. But you're holding it. She had to press it. You're holding it. You're holding that child. And as you're holding that child, basically, you know, you're right there, family over. And then you're like, oh, can you watch my child up? No, that's a no-no because you allow the family for your girl to watch that child up and they are a young infant all the time. They become the victim of that person because that child grows up on good time

17:20or aren't Larry and washing me up for years. On good time, aren't Larry? It's going to be planned with dumb and ways that they're supposed to. But you don't make it possible for this child to think that it's safe for them to do so because you gave them the opportunity to do these things while that child was young. You know what they say? You teach what you want your child to learn. So if you teach a child that the eye and the uncle and the cousins is all right for you to let them rule you, hold you in ticklish stomach and all that, if you teach that child that when they grow up and this person's mind is different than it's supposed to be. And I say, oh, you remember when I used to watch your child's going to relate to that and when this person do something that they didn't suppose to do, it would be all right

18:20because my parents stood there and let this happen for years. So now that I'm older, why would it be something different? And then they say, oh, because the child is depressed or whatever, we should put that child on drugs. I had brain surgery. I don't like drugs. He asked me what drugs I'm not on drugs because I tell the doctor, why would I want to be on drugs? I want to learn who I am. The drug ain't going to be a temporary thing to make you feel a certain way for a few hours and then where it's all and you go back to that place where you're trying to figure it out. What you're going to do, get addicted to drugs, get addicted, be out there on the street, you're still in it. And you're doing things that you're into positive because you want something that you don't really need. All you need is your mind.

19:20So you don't take any stuff about me now. I don't take it. My son, the doctor's telling him, your mom needs this. But you see who I am right now. If I was on some kind of medicine, I would be all slurried. I wouldn't know what my thoughts is going to be right now. My mom is clear. The drug, I mean, if you watch programs even, they tell you that the doctor gets paid for you to feel that prostitution. So that's why they push you on you. And they write a strip and you don't get to feel it. That doctor doesn't even get to feel it because he didn't get paid for it. So at that point in time, they harass you. You didn't get the strip filled with. What's the matter? Let me write you another one. You got to get it filled. And then you'd be like, I don't really write it. You go get it filled. They get paid. They get paid by the number of times the strip gets filled.

20:21That's like a patient in a hospital. It's called the handshake doctor. The doctor gets paid by the marijuana hands that he shakes when you're in a hospital. He coming there, shaking hands, shaking hands, hi, I'm Dr. Barbara Bob. Okay? Did the nurse come in and say, did the doctor come in and see you today? Yeah. But, you know, he ain't really talk about what he's close to talk about. They mark him down on the chart that he came. He gets paid. You don't see him until next day or two days. You understand? It's called the handshake doctor. So, there's no already know about the handshake doctor when they come in my room. I'm asking them questions. No, we don't have this. You got time to come in here and shake your hands so you can get paid. And then, at that point in time, they had the nurse come in and say, oh, well, we'll take care of it. We're whatever. They're giving the doctor away to get out of the room before I asked them what they

21:21posted no about me because they shaking my hand like they did something with me. And they didn't ask me what's wrong with me and why I'm in the hospital and just coming in and do this. And once you shake their hand, they get there. Then you notice the nurse sort of pre-nurs or whatever coming in they ask you that question. Did you see the doctor and you'd be like, yeah, they put their money on the chart and the doctor gets paid. And then they say, did the doctor come back and he ain't coming back to next two days or whatever unless you have a seizure or something major where they need their doctor to come in and even at that time, he's going to be somebody else. Yeah. Somebody else shaking your hand. I worked on the hospital briefly in this room. Yeah. That's how they behave. Wow. Okay. See, it's very good to learn to meet different people

22:21like your story is amazing and I want to learn how you do your podcast. But that's a different day. Okay. Yeah. That's so interesting. Okay. Let's get back to the questions. Would you say you have any cognitive challenges like remembering stuff? No. No. I thought that probably turned 62. I thought that I was starting to lose memory but then I asked my doctor to test me. She said, I don't even know why you think you're forgetting this stuff because like I'm talking to you, she said, there's no way. Sound. Yeah. She said, you're not close to that. Yeah. She said, she told me to just keep doing what I'm doing. And like, I take pictures. I love it. Every little thing. Yeah. And so I'm taking pictures of things. I write things down.

23:23And like I say, to my family, I take pictures. So when I look back at it, I can say, oh, this is what happened. That's what happened. You know, I can remember it, even if I do get Alzheimer's or whatever, and you put that picture in front of me, I'm going to have a thought to go with it. You know, most people, when they don't have a picture and somebody get Alzheimer's thing, wouldn't am I going to do it? How do I bring them back to who they are? I mean, I'm not going to be able to bring them back fully to what they are from what they miss. But a picture, a video, says a lot. Yeah. It does. I do that too. I always take pictures of everything. Yeah, I do too. Okay. So your memory is good, right? And for 62, you look great. I think you, I'm going to return 63 in September. September what?

24:2328. I knew you were September. Yeah. I didn't see it though. Yeah. September 28 and 29. It's my birthday. I have two birthdays. And I've been celebrating my birthday like this since I had a birthday. You see, actually, my dad says that I was born on the 28th. My mom says I was born on the 29th. So every year they give me two birthdays. My mom refuses to say happy birthday to me on the 28th. And my dad refuses to say it on the 29th. So they celebrated it like that, you know. And I'm rolled up. 28th and 29th was my birthday. Whereas I got older, I said, well, what day is an actual birthday? And he said, once it, 28, once it, 29. I asked my siblings, so that's three of us. I'm the baby. I said, what day was I born? They said, whatever day my mom said you was born.

25:23That's the day you were born. And I said, okay. So my birth certificate says the 28th. So that means that when my mom says, it's not right. You understand what I'm saying? So, he's what the hospital wrote, right? Well, they said in the 60s, he's writing things down with pencils. So my, my scenario is, I'm the youngest. When their stuff been messed up to my two other siblings, because they're older than me, things get better as time progresses. So why was my messed up and not there? And so then, you know, I went through a life of appreciating the two birthdays, which I still celebrate, you know, in my new life. And then, you know, my mom and my dad, they are passed away, like my dad passed when I was seven. But my mom, she just recently passed, that was 21.

26:24But, we needed one of them took the time to make corrections in City Hall or anywhere to fix my birthday. So they were satisfied with the two birthdays. So me, you're eight times 63. I'm not going to change it now. I'll write down, not you see what I put on it. Now, I'm 23. It's my birthday, because that's what's on my birthday. I don't have a birthday for the 29th, but that's what my mom say. It's my birthday. She didn't do the paperwork to change it. They mean that it's accepted the way that it is. You know, so I celebrate two birthdays. And, you know, then I asked her the scenario before she passed the way I said. So, but I wanted 12 o'clock. Now, I figured, you know, maybe I'm running 12 o'clock. And that's where the confusion is coming in at. She said,

27:2412 o'clock. Are you going to want that little 12 o'clock? You want it four, 30 in the morning. So, if I'm born already in the day that came past where did the two birthdays come from? Right. So, everybody can answer that. So, you know, I say to people, they say, um, happy birthday to me. Or you get some friends that you call friends. And they say, oh, I forgot the tidy and happy birthday. I'm sorry, I forgot it. I said, but in life, as you called yourself, my friend, you know that I have two birthdays. So, if you miss today, you know, my birthday is still tomorrow. You know, if you miss those days, you really not the friend that's trying to remember me in life. You know, if I'm sending you a car every year, on your one day birthday, you can't remember two days of mine. You're not much

28:24of a friend. Okay. So, I'm going to put down the days. Okay. I'm going to put down the days. I'm going to put down the days. I'm going to put down the days. I'm going to put down the days. I'm going to put down the days. I'm going to put down the days. I'm going to put down the days. I'm going to put down the days. I'm going to put down the days. I'm going to put down the days. I'm going to put down the days. I'm going to put down the days. I'm going to put down the days. I'm going to put down the days. I'm going to put down the days. I'm going to put down the days. I'm going to put down the days. I'm going to put down the days. I'm going to put down the days. I'm going to put down the days. on my way to the bathroom, but I didn't feel like I injured anything. I fell and it was like a door right there and I held on to the door now and my body twisted but me holding on to the door now, it stopped me from falling down here. The door now wasn't there, I probably would have been down here. Walking, my legs did give out this one especially.

29:30This one is a random lead just don't work. This one just gets numb when it feels like it. So when this one feels like it's working more than this one, it's a foam. So that's how I got this. Working wrist. Walking both legs decided you're not working well without work. You know, the body talked to each other and I felt broke my wrist. But up there I twisted my body and said, I'm alright. Now I'm still went to the bathroom and got begging a bit. I woke up the next morning and I said, I still feel alright. I guess nothing got broken. You didn't take any Tylenol nothing? No, I said, I feel the guy said that you knew this alright when you went to sleep and woke up. If I were to woke up and pain, then I would have felt like, oh, this fall was more serious than I think.

30:37Okay. How was your hearing vision? My hearing is good. I can hear a pen drop but that's me being losing. My vision is blurry. My work lasts. But I have the stem, what's that called? The stem is when your eyes don't, when you talk. So I have that and I'm sitting here and I'm watching my phone for a few hours. I kind of like lose the sight of my eyes. My eye doctor told me that when I wear my glasses, the glasses help me. But the thing about it is this way I don't well. When I take the glasses off, I lose my sight for an hour.

31:37So I accidentally said, yeah, because you had cherry malformation. That's when your brain slips into your spine and they call me zipper head because they have to cut, you know, my brain. So I said, why would I want to lose an hour of seeing as to where my glasses? He said, well, when you take your glasses off, you just sit down and relax for that hour and see your eyes come back. And so I say to myself, nope, I want to see what's happening all the way through. But then if I don't do as a doctor, say put those glasses on, that's helping me. You sitting there, all I see is your colors. Right now? No, I can't see you. That's the scenario. But I put my glasses on.

32:39The glasses help me. But like I'm avoiding them. So if I take too much time avoiding those glasses, I got three of them. Avoid those glasses. Like I said, look at you. I only see the colors. I don't see your face and all that. I know you're there. You understand? But I'm wearing glasses and then I say, what's an hour of not seeing? So I practice what it's going to be like if I lose my sight. And it's both eyes, right? Yes. Walk around in the dark and be down in there. And see what it is that I see without the light. It's me just trying to see what happens if I lose my sight. Will I be that person to say, I won't be able to do nothing right or will I continue with my light? Me practicing in the dark tells me that I'll be able to continue with my light.

33:46So recently I know you did mention depression. Are you anxious? And don't have you been in any sad movies recently? Really in the last three days? I wouldn't say I've been in a sad movie. I've been in a challenging kind of wary kind of movie. Waking up trying to figure out my day more than it needs to be figured out. So I'm overlapping because I'm as much and I'm trying to not leave a space in my day that says, I have room to be depressed. So I'm overlapping myself to the point where it's there. If it's time to go to sleep, I don't want to go to sleep until my eyes ask you to save your clothes. So you're keeping your body busy. You're being yourself very busy.

34:47Right. 12 boys, you know, any thoughts? Right. Okay. So what would I call that? That's that depression or what you said? I mean, that could be. That could be a tactic. It's a good tactic. It is working for you. Yeah. It does work for me because see if I take a day and I sit here and I pause and say, no, I'm not going to do that. But sit here and watch friends by. Then everything goes through my mind. Why? Why it is? Why they don't even have to be friends by. You know, if I sit there and pause without having nothing to do with my day, no politics, no poetry, just sitting here. Everything comes upon. And it's like, why would that happen? Who is that? I question everything that happened in my life at that moment.

35:47So I know that those are things that happen in my life. So like I said, I overloaded myself. But it's a good thing that you do, you know, you know how to distract yourself from those thoughts and you're able to do other things. Even without being one on a medication or any therapeutic like assisted. Doing that yourself is like really good. Have you found yourself being angry in the last three days? No. To be a positive, telling myself on somebody. Yes. Absolutely. Okay. Any verbal abuse, physical abuse and neglect? No. Okay. Wondering, do you find yourself wondering? Mm-hmm. About my day. No, just like wandering around, walking around. No. It is too much happening in this house. Just wondering what's happening in that house.

36:48Do you find yourself being angry that you have enough confidence? It's neutral. Mutual? Yeah. Sometimes I feel a way sometimes. I don't. Like sometimes it's, I'm sitting in a Ford don't come through. You know, the conversation that I want, I don't get, I feel like lost in myself. The people around me know that I matter. You know, even though they show me that I matter. But, you know, in that moment that I need to be noted so. Yeah. Reach the point. Do they know that I matter?

37:50Not just because I make myself known to matter. Do they know I matter without me approaching them? Mm-hmm. That's just this one. Okay. Do you, or have you ever had a therapist? Yes. You haven't had a therapist currently? Not now. My insurance, they called the therapist for me. And they had therapists call me. And the therapist called me. I had several before this one though. The therapist called me. Hey, my name is such and such. I'm showing people to call you. I'm going to be a therapist, you know, such and such. And they asked me that question. What kind of medicine are you on? I said, I'm not on. Stop it. Put it on. I'm not on. No kind of medication. You know. You all got it.

39:01Put it down. I'm not on. I'm not on new medications. Well, I said to the doctor. So he said, well, I'm sorry, Mr. Anderson. You know, the patient for me then. I said, what does that mean? He said, all my patients are on medication. And I said, that's focus. And then he said, what does that mean? I said, you're the doctor. You telling me you don't want to be my doctor because I'm on medication. But I'm going to tell you why you don't want to be my doctor. He said, what can you tell me that I can't tell you? I said, you don't want to be my doctor because one. I'm not on drugs where you can take advantage of my mind. So you're telling me you don't want to serve me because. My mind is tuned together for you to pay attention to me.

40:03So you want a patient that's already out of it, where you can dictate what they should and should not be. And he said, well, I apologize, but you're not the one for me. If I cause you any reason to be upset or anything, he heard it in my voice, but I told him why he don't want me. And he apologized and I reported to him to the short people. And you know, is that like I got started back before? Yeah, it's like I got split personality too. It's sharing Sheree and Sarah. And see, I already noted, it's me because I studied myself. Sarah's the crybaby. She cries all the time. Sheree is really, really aggressive. She's the one that managed everything. Make sure you don't get hurt. She's in charge. She's that person that knows this is not going to happen to you.

41:04Don't stand up to them. She's that sharing. Is that one? I'm sorry. I apologize. I'm this. You know, she's that happy person that can't stop thinking you enough. That's sharing. Okay. So I already know this and I tell people this. And so one doctor said to me, can you tell me when you're going to change personality? So I said to that doctor, you can't be my doctor if you need me to tell you when my personality change. I'm telling you who these people are. What they do inside of my life. Why they end my life? They end my life because I put them there. I know that they are part of me. Can you get rid of them? If I wanted to get rid of them, but see, I won't get rid of them because they have managed to make me come as far as I am today. You understand what I'm saying? So doctors like this, oh well, we can't really put a point on that.

42:12And these are therapists telling you to? Yeah. He can't really take care of me because I can't tell him when my personality is going to change. You got the certificate. I told you the guidelines mean that when these people inside of me do what they're there for, you got the certificate. That means you are there to get paid. So they analyze me, meaning that when they first diagnosed me with blood personality, they put a mirror there and set me in a lung to see how I react. And then they came back again to show me the different ways I was reacting. You understand? So they analyze me to tell me I have split personnel. And then they said, did you know you have split personnel?

43:13No, I just lived my life. So, you know, those cameras of Puerto Rican cameras, my husband and my family and everybody they decided to take pictures where it comes out, three people. So I named them. I gave them the names. And, you know, every now and then, today, my husband, he would say, we were sure we, because you don't want to do that. I'm a bit offensive, but he likes to ring better than me. But I'm all of them. I like that your husband works with you to kind of make it humorous. So, you know, you make a light of it. You can move on and do your daily life. Not feeling like that's not a good thing. It's not a bad thing. So that's good. Do you have all these coping mechanisms that I think you need to be commended for, doing all this by yourself? But, you know, on that note, the insurance people, the insurance that I have through my husband,

44:20the other insurance that I have through y'all, that doesn't work now. And I just carry that in my pocket and I show it. And they say, oh, we don't accept that. You've got these. Is that many care or anything? It's health choice or something. But they don't, they don't, they, none of these people accept it. And my other insurance, they accept. But you get stuff, I would call them stuff of doctors because they say stuff to me like, they don't matter if you change their name. We don't take anything that got to do with welfare or anything like that. We take this one because it's a police and fire. And so, I have a doctor still. This is other doctors. And so that doctor, the insurance people, they said, why don't you change doctors? I said because I've been with this doctor for a long time. And I don't feel like giving them the dictionary again of them trying to figure me out.

45:22I'm like 62, be 63. By the time they catch up to what I'm trying to tell them, I'm going to be here. Right, okay. You could actually cover it, everything. Okay, now we have to just talk about your activity and your hours. I know you get about 84 hours. And your son is your only caregiver? Yes. Do you have any other informal helpers? Yes, I help you but don't get paid. My daughter, my husband and he one sex. And how do you get up and oh, you understand? Yeah, I understand this. My son, he makes sure that my clothes and I get the heat in. He takes me to my doctor's appointment.

46:25And if I was on medicine, it would be his job to make sure that I take the medicine and whatever. He is kind of that person that makes sure that I do the right thing. And at the same time, he lets me breathe. And see, my husband would not be written down as my caregiver because you wouldn't have somebody be your caregiver. That's the one that's causing you depression. My husband cheated on me. And he cheated on me secretly during my marriage. He lived another life for 18 years secretly coming home smiling and laughing, curiously at my face as my husband. And secretly, he fathered two children which are 16 and 18.

47:30So, I mean, you say to yourself, do you want that kind of person to be in charge of your care or you want somebody that's not willing to take you to care? Right. We don't even agree for married people couples to be caregivers. It has to be, you know, another family member. Right. Okay. So you're still with your husband, right? Yes. Okay. Are you going to drive? No, I can't. I'm not allowed to drive. My husband's not my husband, my son. I'm not allowed to drive me to wherever I have to go. I wouldn't be allowed behind the wheel if I needed to. But I did give my permit like 20 times. I enjoy taking a test and passing.

48:32So, 20 times I pass a test and, you know, I adore their life for being chauffeur just as well. Wow. I mean, but I'm also that passenger that said it and said, why did they do that? I'm that passenger. Yeah. You know that driver says, you know, and you learn that you can't tell the car to come on because the driver has control of that, but I'm that passenger that makes it... You take all that? Yeah. I'm that passenger that can't keep quiet. You want to control the radio, but the driver controls the radio. Oh, yeah. I'm that one too. I want to control the thermostat. Yeah. It's too hot. It's too cold. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They don't... They don't get it. Like I say, they give you that armrest that sits there. And why don't they give you the button when you're assigned, too, so you can turn the stuff on your side.

49:33Everybody else can control it. They can make a car and make this sound hot and that's cold. See? And let me listen to Bob and you listen to Reagan. Right. That's a great idea. Okay. There's many of your adventures that come out when you throw that in first. Yeah. Yeah. LCC dial. Right. Okay. Taking showers, you did that independently or you did that? Yeah. I did help. I don't allow my son to come in because I was sexually abused as a child. I was sexually abused by my brother. It must have popped. It must have popped. He passed away. That's where my suicide started out with him. He was having heart attacks. And at the side, they'd take his pills. And when I think of suicide, I don't think of going out there running in front of a bus and cutting my throat.

50:40I think of suicide. I want to know that my body parts are still together. So when I think of suicide, I think of pills. I collect pills. And that's another reason why I say no. I'm taking no medication because I know that it's a weakness for me. I can't get that prescription filled. And I would collect it. And I was taking it. But if I'm depressed or whatever, they said this is for that. But like I was saying in my suicide, I'm that person that you get something wrong to me. You're a medicine. So I would take your medicine. So when they find me, they say, how did she get this? This is Claire's medicine. So Claire is the one that's responsible for her killing herself. So your name will be all over it because it's your medicine. And it will be my way of saying that if I'm dying, a person that's hurting me is going to be under the needle just as well.

51:47Meaning that they're not going to live freely. They're going to have to explain why did I have their medicine. And you said this was at what age? My first suicide started when I was 12. Were you sentenced to 2015? Since 2015, I haven't even been thinking about it or anything. I was in the hospital in 24. And I had basically learned about my husband's secret children. So I mean, at that state of mind, I was kind of depressed. But I had basically, like I'm talking to you, I said to the doctor, I said, any medicine that you're going to give me, don't leave it on the table.

52:49Make sure that I'm taking it, you know. And I showed my daughter that I say this because I can do this. And they gave me Tylenol when I came. And they let me put it in the cup. This is Tylenol. We want you to take this before we were midgeting to the hospital. Because your blood pressure is high. I knew my blood pressure was high because I was stressed about worrying about something. So I said, I didn't really need this. And so my daughter, she said to me, she said, what's your journey doing, Mom? I said, the nurse just left out of here and she left that bed. And took the thing out of the cup. I threw it like this. I asked for a napkin, put it in the napkin, threw it in the trash. The nurse came back and said, you feel better? Yeah. Well, much better. She said, well, I'm going to put down here the town on work. You stand there and you're going to give somebody something. And the word suicide is already on my chart.

53:50It means that this is something you wouldn't leave. Whether it's a pill or whatever it is, you will note to yourself, this is something that I wouldn't leave without making sure they take it. That's negligence. Okay. Because even when I was working at the hospital, they trained you to make sure that your patient takes the medication. Yeah, but they don't. That's not good. Anything else that I need to know? That was it. I don't know. Do you ask me another question? I might have another answer for you. You're a very interesting. I wish we could spend more time, but that's all the questions. But today, thank you so much for that. So what do you see me like once a year, three times a month? Yes. So we see you two times a year. We speak with you four times a year.

54:50So two times over the phone, two times in person. One is a shorter visit. That's your quarterly. One is a longer visit, which is this, your annual. So we just go over everything. And if you have anything in between that, if you know we give us a call, if there's any triggers, then we come out and we reassess and see what's going on. So do my son need more hours or are you good now? I think he might... I don't know. You tell me. No. He's good now because I mean where he's doing his life. And I'm going to say it. I need his help and every way possible, even though I mean, he knows that I mean because I raised him. You know, and I wasn't always like this. I got like this in 2012. So he knows who I am. So I respect that I've helped him appreciate that he lets me bring, you know,

55:53and be yourself and be myself. But a lot of things I need help with. Like, I got carpal tunnel too. So my hands, they lock when I do certain things. So I mean, he's that person that helped me with my hands. You know, my everything is not mommy, but he's that person. He helped me with my clothes, you know. But lay them out. Lay them out. I prefer to dress myself, even though sometimes I come downstairs and my daughter said, do you know your shirt is on backwards? Do you know this is the new you? This is what they wear in the day. You go wearing your shirt out backwards. I think you do many people wear like this. That's good love. When you wear your shirt backwards. You see? And I said, people walk around here, they think I just wear and smith my shoes now. Yeah.

56:53You're wearing about a short ring. Yeah. Look, I got a pen hole in my pants. I said, let me throw these in the trash. No, that's the style. You got to wait for it any bigger because she said, right now, you're not in style because it's on your pen hole. She said, mommy, wait till it get bigger and you'll be in style. I'm like, I'm ready to throw these away. You really got a little pen hole, man. We just got to know your skincare routine. You must be eating a lot of vegetables. I don't like to say I'm going to die because when you say you want to die, you kind of overlap the diet. You try to do things that say that you want to die. I mean, I'm going to not eat this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. So basically, I am going to die but I'm not going to die to put it in my mind.

57:54It just, I was healthy. I, I, you know, I don't want you to leave. I was two hundred and five pounds. I would say six or seven months ago. And I looked at the mirror and I said, who is that? She could grow and I bought what's a model. I took, like I said, I take pictures all the time. I was a model. Okay. And I'm, yeah. So with that, I looked at the mirror and I said, who is that? Who is that? Is that you? We are. Okay. The kids. Um. Um. That's me right here. Oh, behind the white ball. That's me younger. Yeah, that's me younger. Yeah, that's me up there too. Wow. And these are your kids. Yes. Okay. Nice. That's me over here next to you. Oh, okay. Every, every, every second, you know, you face change. Yeah. That's me up there too. Wow. And these are your kids. Yes. Every second, you know, your face change. And that's your husband?

58:54Um, yes. It's been okay. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you're great. Is that you? Who's that? That's your daughter? Where? She looks just like you behind the seat. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. That's me in the green though. Yeah. And then the blue is who? And the blue, blue, yeah. Oh, that's my daughter, Sarah Rose. That's the baby. Oh, that's your twin. And they, well, um, what's that word? F, F and F and E. A, F, F, I, and I T Y. How you say that word? What? A, F, F, I, and I T Y. How you say it? Affinity. Affinity. Okay. They, my, Affinity. They must forget it. Okay. And see, um, somebody asked me to write a poem on that. And I explained in the poem that they are must be getting with different personalities.

59:54And everybody always tried to chop them up to different sizes. We are the same. But we different. Our personalities, people tried those souls on us. We tried to put cheese on us and all that stuff. But they, they, they, they mine. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good, um, I have a unique analogy. Okay. And with the baby. Oh, that's, that's the oldest one. That's how. Okay. Beautiful. I mean, I have so many questions, but I don't think. You see, we got, they all up here, too. Yeah. They, they everywhere. And then I got like videos from each moment from when they was born. And I made books of, you know, things in their life. And he first started driving. And like, one of them was going to look for a job. And they were scared of what they do. We acted out.

1:00:54We put it on camera here. And then, you know, working out here. We was the people that was interviewing the person that was born to the job. We put it on video so that you could sit back and you could look and say, this is how I supposed to act at that interview. And it was, it was mind blowing a watch because he was the mastermind. And then, you know, he's a graphic designer. And my, my youngest one is an animator. That one, she does TikTok. So in a world like that, you know, it's different things that you discover. So I mean, they made like challenging, you know, like even a play. They would act that play out right, right here. And we would video it for us to be able to look back at it, go on dares and dares to come.

1:01:54And like I said, even with the interviews, you can get that boss, you know, they changed outfits and attitudes and personality and whatever. And you get that boss and say, you know, you're not the one. And you get that boss and say, okay, you go through the whole scenario. Or what your life is going to be like when you walk in the door to have somebody else in and watch you. That's amazing. And that's why I'm on my podcast. I tell people, stop sending your child in front of the TV. And then get mad at the teachers because the teacher is not teaching your child, but you want them to teach. The teacher's job is to teach them what you taught them, but a little bit more than that. They got to suppose you know the whole dictionary to teach them because they got other children to teach. When your child is home with you, you're supposed to take home,

1:02:55sit there, read with them, sing with them. Teach them the ABCs, teach them their colors. You know, new parents, give them three by five cards. And put those words on there. This is my child's favorite thing, pick a tune. So you write that word, pick a tune on every time that child touches it. You see the words, how to spell it. Same thing with her name. And every time she goes on her favorite toy, it has the words that I want. And when she touches it, you spell it out. D-O-L-L. And she know every time she grabbed that doll, it's spelled that way. She grew up here, she knows some words. They go to school. The teacher said, what is your name? And you're kids that day they go to school. What is your name? Well, my mom called me it. Well, what is your real name?

1:03:55My mom called me it. They don't know their name, because they're mom not taking the time. So they didn't teach it right to the mom. Your child don't understand. They don't know the name. They're going to put them in a special egg lad. Now that parents coming up there ready to beat their parents, beat their teachers butt, because they want to put their child. It's their parent. The parent has to take time to teach his children what they want them to learn. It's like, you don't tell your child you got to get out because you became pregnant. I mean, that child needs you more than anything, considering that they became pregnant. You have to put yourself in their shoes and say, when I first became pregnant, I didn't know what to do, you know, for the parent to say, you think I'm going to take care of your baby and you two, you know, get out. That is frustrating for a child to go out there on their own and try to raise themselves

1:04:58in the child. That parent needs to take time and say, we can work through this. We can get through this. Make that child feel safe and secure and a lot of parents think they throw stones at them before they even know what's happening. That child could be ready to tell you that it was right that something happened at the party. No, you raised before they even get the words of the sentence to tell you, like, the child coming in late. You are ready to unbash them and told them, they are ungrateful. And they can be ready to talk to you but then, at that point in time, they know that you are abashing them. They grow up and they say, they're going to make sense to tell her nothing or do no but download me. And then, you wonder, why do your friends know more about you than I do? And you get mad at that child.

1:05:58You didn't get parents that beat their children because they look like a man that no longer is with them. And then, you know, people say, oh, the teacher is otherwise not a teacher. The teacher is today possibly that safe place for their child to go but now the teachers are the ones get your phone number to have sex with you. So you'll be like, where do you go? Oh, wow. Yeah, the world is, I call the world sick. That's what I call it. Yeah. Every everybody is sick. They've been spreading the virus worse than they are. So real. Wow. Okay. That's your problem. Yes, I'm going to keep that. I need that. So this is just giving us access to your health information in case anything changes, any updates from your doctor with you to see it. So I thought you got back pain too.

1:06:59I have, I have um, back pain every now and then and sitting a long time but I just, I have just closed my eyes too. But a lot of times when if my pain gets real, excuse me, my pain gets real bad, I got crunched ice and I crunched ice because when I had my food children and I was having instructions, instead of them giving me something, they gave me a thing for the ice to hold me in my hand. And by the time the ice melted, the pain was gone. Really? Yeah. And they say, the ice, the time that the ice take the melt in your hand. That's how long that contraction lasts. So if you put a piece of ice in your hand and hold it like this, and count, you can go home and try and count the ice melts down. It takes like maybe five minutes

1:08:00or more. And then you no longer feel the way that you feel. You have a toothache to put some ice in your hand. Squeeze that ice in your hand. By the time the ice comes to water or nothing, you'll be like, do the tooth hurt anymore? Really? It took it away. Oh, wow. That's a discovery. That's right. Yeah. And so, I felt though, if the ice works for contractions and stuff like that, then it will work for others alive. Yeah. It will work for other things because they actually, do you need one or two ices? And if you really are in pain, they can tell you to grab your hand for the ice. Squeeze it. And this ice is cold though, but it's melting inside of your hands and it's taking away all that pain that you're feeling.

1:09:00And it don't take the pain away completely, but you don't feel as bad as you felt when you started. Nice. Okay. I'm going to thank you for that one. Okay. So here, do you want me to show you where the sun is? I'm going to come over. Oh. Okay. So, this one, you're just going to sign right there. Do you have the sun? No, he doesn't. No, he doesn't. Thank you. And then for this one, this is your freedom of choice. So this is just letting you know that you have the freedom to change any services at any time. And you don't have to. I wouldn't change that insurance because then I mean, now I'm going to get a new coordinator and a new, this, which insurance, the one that needs to be taken?

1:10:00Yeah, that helps choice, then. Okay. I have to look into that one. Because I know of Medicare and Medicaid. Amen. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Well, it doesn't do nothing. But they tell me to carry it with me. And I'm like, why? Because it doesn't do anything. It doesn't do it. Okay. Oh. And I'm doing nothing. And they don't accept it. They don't take it. I'll get co-payments and everything. And I'm like, so, I used to be able to do whatever you need with your other insurance. Yeah. I just get a co-pay. Okay. Yeah, I mean, I can look into this. So I'm like, I can look. They say, I mean, they say, you shouldn't get no co-pay. Yeah. You shouldn't get no co-pay because you got two insurances. You need to put them on my other insurance?

1:11:00No, that's fine. Just this one. You can just bring it down. I don't get you, please. You can just finish it. Yeah. It doesn't do nothing. But they say, carry it with you anyway. I'm like, it's just decoration. At least you have, you can just show them you have PA health and wellness. Yeah. So this one is the freedom of choice. Letting you know that, you know, you don't have to stay with any service you don't want to. So you can just sign up here. I'm our dating head. Are you dating it? Oh, you could date it. Today is the 20th. It's the first day of spring. It is. Why was there as you see? I didn't even think about it. I figured, that's why I should make it. The first day of spring. That's what I said. I need to work on that, right? Yeah.

1:12:00I always be, because I'm like, Jerry and so, we are not the best of the time. I don't know what it is. It's horrible. Sometimes I get angry at myself like, why are you so late? Because I was holding and doing this and doing that and running. But do you think you can do all these things? No, it's alright. If you won't be late the next time, just call me and say, yeah, I won't be late. Otherwise, then you get this. Yeah, no, for real. This is not the first time I've been schooled. But I've been schooled. No, but I've been schooled. You went on that night to bed on it. Wasn't that nice? It was a learning experience for me, for sure. Thank you. That's right. Awesome. So did I explain what this one was? I think this one is just showing you all the services you receive in. So H-D-M. You get meals delivered?

1:13:01I don't like it. You don't like it? I don't like it because they... They send me a bunch of vegetables that I am not going to take off the pills because my people are from the country. So I don't... They send you fresh vegetables? They send me fresh vegetables. And I'm like, this is none that I can do with this. Then they might send me... One day it sent me... One orange, one apple, the whole thing of fresh vegetables and two cans. And I'm like, two cans of oil. It'd be broth. So I'm like, what do I do with this? Do I just take all this and put it in a pot and do it a broth in there? It's not... You don't like it. Okay, I'm gonna... You're gonna note that you don't like it? They send me some more... Yeah, I mean... I even sent them outside. Let me go through it. Maybe I can pause them in a light and then to be like one orange,

1:14:01one apple, and then the rest is raw vegetables. And I'm like... I'm not pillin' no peas and I'm not... taking the skin off with a corn. That's... That's too much. Pros aren't getting used to it. But I can't use my hands. Like I want to, but that's... That's... So what would you prefer? What would you prefer something different? Um... Yeah, I thought it looks like this. Um... Wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels,

1:15:01wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, wheels, You want to, if it's something you want to say, you can. Jesus is Lord. That's all I have. That is all I do have. Yes, I'm camera shy, so. We can. But nobody can see your face. She always has a big screen on my computer. No, all I can say is you're a great person. I learned so much from you today, so so much. And you're a strong woman, you inspire other women too, because I'm very, very strong. Say something about your hometown. Oh, Nigerians need to work on their punctuality. We're always late. We think everyone's African time, but no, it's not. We need to work on that. Me, especially.

1:16:01And I think that she was very nice and punctual. I enjoyed my moments of talking with her. And being late wasn't as bad as I made it sound. It was a little bit adorable because she learned to appreciate my conversation, and I appreciated hers with the questions and without the questions. So then you have it. Don't judge people just because they're late or too early because you never know what they're going through or what you're going through. But in life, we all need to be treated like human. So live and learn because life is what you make it and enjoy every day that comes with today tomorrow and yesterday.